Wednesday, October 23, 2013

When you can't just "get over it"



Just as I think there must be a playbook for cheaters, I sometimes think there must also be one for husbands who stay in the marriage. It probably contains such lines as "You'll never let me live this down, will you!" Or "if you're going to bring this up every time you're mad at me, we'll never get past this." Or "I can't spend the rest of my life saying 'sorry'". 
Sound familiar?
One of the hurdles betrayed wives often have to clear is their husband's admonishments to get over it. It can be overt or, more often, subtle. But no matter, it's harmful either way. The thing is, we're trying to get over it. We want nothing more than to get over it. But, ultimately, we figure out that there really is no getting over it. We can get through it and get past it...but rarely do we get over it. 
It's not just a matter of semantics. To get through it, we need to process our emotions, to acknowledge the pain we're in, take steps to address the residual damage from betrayal. To get past it, we find that we've arrived at a place where we can accept what's happened and while few of us are glad for the experience, we can recognize that some good came out of it. Getting "over" it, implies leaping past all that damage to a new stage where our husbands are magically forgiven and their act of betrayal is never spoken of again. We get "over" the flu. We get "through" betrayal. 
A crucial part of getting through is exploring just how this has impacted us. We desperately need someone who can acknowledge our pain, who understands that each of us walks a different path, a different timeline. Someone who understands that betrayal changes who we are, and that we need to figure out who this new us is. It's one of the reasons I created this site. To give betrayed wives a safe place to process everything they're going through, with the benefit of the experience of those further along the path to healing. 
A therapist can be a lifesaver. Someone to help you examine the role you played in the breakdown of the marriage, without ever holding you to blame for your spouse's choice to cheat. My own therapist kept my head above water. But I've heard stories of therapists who, clearly, don't have a clue about betrayal. 
But there's another tool in your arsenal. It was a desire for a wise someone with whom she could talk – someone ideally who understood intimately the experience of betrayal having been through it herself – that prompted Laura S., a betrayed wife in California, to create the Infidelity Counselling Network, a free phone counselling service for betrayed spouses. Laura and I discovered each other on social media. Since then, we've talked personally and shared our stories. We've grown to appreciate and support each other's work, knowing how important it is to have that sense of community in the wake of betrayal. Her Infidelity Counselling Network has been busy training peer counsellors (who've been through betrayal themselves) to provide wisdom and support to callers. If you crave someone anonymous  with whom to share your experience, give Laura's counsellors a call: 650-521-5897, ext. 101.



204 comments:

  1. Elle

    This came at a very apt time...I had a fight with my husband last night, over something really small...and he started accusing me that I'm staying in this relationship only because he's forcing me to and that I'm not happy about it.

    Well, I'm trying hard to accept him back after he cheated on me for 3 years with my friend. Even after I found out, confronted him, he repeatedly went back to her. Now after 4 months, he's stopped all contacts with her, and swears he loves only me and wants to be with the family. Well, I'm not over it yet. The details of the affair is too fresh in my mind (having read all the graphic details in the emails exchanged between them), the repeated betrayal is too much to handle and I'm not sure if I love him anymore.

    I definitely need this!

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    1. Anyone who carries on an affair with your friend (some friend!!!) for three years doesn't have a leg to stand on. Factor in NOT stopping it when found out, and he's got a LOT to remedy. That fact that you haven't killed him (and her) makes you a saint.
      What he clearly doesn't grasp is just how incredibly deep the wound he inflicted goes. Four months is mere seconds in the healing-from-betrayal timeline. You're likely still in some sort of shock.
      And of course you don't quite know what you want to do and whether you love him. He's behaved in a detestable way.
      You need to give yourself time to sift through all this stuff and figure out whether you want to give him (and if he deserves) a second chance. He took his sweet time deciding whether or not he wanted to stay in the marriage...now he needs to give you the same chance.
      Most experts suggest not doing anything final for at least six months after finding out. It takes that long, they reason, to finally digest it all and figure out what's next.
      Hang in there. The ball is in your court. If he can't give you time without pressure or accusations, then he's being incredibly selfish. Again.

      Elle

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    2. Every site I go to talks about woman getting cheated on. Men hurt too. My other half destroyed me in one night. Its odd how every site thinks that it's just woman who hurt. It's not. I'm broken.

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    3. I'm so sorry for the pain you're in. No, it's absolutely not just women who get hurt. And I'm sorry you haven't been able to find somewhere that broken-hearted men can gather. Have you tried survivinginfidelity.com? I think they have a thread for men whose wives have cheated.
      However, you're welcome to post here, of course. The feelings of pain and grief and loss aren't limited to just women or men.

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  2. Thanks Elle such reassuring words, your right my son brings me so much joy, he makes me smile even when I don't feel like smiling. My self esteem has definetly taken a battering following the discovery of the A, however I am working on both my mind and body with a personal trainer and counsellor :) had my first session of counselling today and was telling her about this site and how it has been my saviour, thank you so much x x

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    1. Atta girl! Take charge of your mind and body. And I'm so glad you're able to feel joy in your son. Too many women have to deal with betrayal around pregnancy/birth and it's such a shame that they can't see past their pain. Your body nurtured and produced a perfect little being. That's better than tight abs!!

      Elle

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  3. I feel exactly he same my husband had an affair with a colleague whilst i was caring for my dieing father. Trickle truth is an over generous description of his ability to be honest i have done all the work to try to come to term with this hideous experience.They bith still work in the same place and i begged hin to change jobs. He is a passive aggressive bully and two and a hslf years on ive lost 5 stone and look great which he hates.He is suspicious of me and isnt often very nice to me ?

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    1. Can I gently ask why you're still with him? It sounds like the cheating was simply part of a larger package of abuse. He doesn't treat you with respect or kindness. But why aren't you treating yourself with respect and kindness? You deserve it. You are worthy and deserving of love.

      Elle

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    2. The truth is I dont know why. We have been together for 20 years and its nver been really right. He has no insight into the man/woman power dynamic inherent in domestic abuse and has assaulted me by hitting me on two occassions and during the time shortly after i fiund out when i was distraught and 'going on'as he terms it when i tried to cuddle him to make up he bit me.The grief in relation to dad is all mixed up and i cant bear that the OW knows the most intimate details of his dreadful death and funeral. Ellie i am bereft I have a close female friend who is almost like my carer and my husband hates her and thinks she influences me to be negative towards him .I spend a lot of time with her and hes becoming increasingly suspicous thinking seeibg someone else.When im with her i feel comforted and safe as when im with my children when im with him i dont but cant seem to find the strength to make him go .He did leave on two occassions but i asked him to come back -i dont know whats wrong with me?Thankyou for yaking the time to listen and reply.

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    3. Anon,
      Nobody has the right to hurt you. Not physically and not emotionally. You don't need him to understand that…YOU just need to understand that. He'll never give you permission to leave. But you need to give yourself permission to leave. Or to insist that he leave. You do have the strength. You just need to tap into it.
      I'm sure you're exhausted from everything you've been dealing with. Perhaps you could start by seeking counselling. What does your friend suggest? What would you say to one of your children if they were in your situation? I'm guessing you wouldn't tell them to wait it out. You would insist that they get themselves into a situation that is safe, both emotionally and physically. You owe it to yourself and to your children. One hit is one too many.
      So many women have been in your situation. Please just ask for help. You don't have to do anything more than simply get clear on your options. Start by contacting the National Domestic Violence Hotline at www.thehotline.org or calling 1-800-799-7233.
      You say you don't know why you haven't left (or told him to leave and stay out) but my guess is that, on some level, you don't believe you deserve better. I don't know what he's told you over the years or what you heard as a kid…but I'm telling you that are worthy of love and respect. We all are. You're clearly a smart, compassionate woman capable of great love. Please know that.

      Elle

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  4. Hi! I have a crazy story that seems unreal yet, it's my life. About a year ago a crazy husband comes to my house to tell me his wife and my husband had an affair. After confronting my husband, he denied that they had sex. He said it was inappropriate text messages. I was heart broken and shocked. My husband and I have a beautiful family and have been together for a long time. Everyone said he would not do this to me because he loves his family. After about a month of torture from the woman's husband (never ending text messages), the other woman called me and admitted to f--king my husband and those are the words she used. It was one time and it was her husbands fantasy( although my husband didn't know that at the time ). Crazy!! Right? This hit me like a ton of bricks. She was the one that I had to hear the truth from. My husband has cried and begged for my forgiveness. I am in a constant struggle to trust and believe that this is my new reality. Because I no longer had trust, I went digging. I found emails where he was soliciting sex with no strings attached. He says now that nothing ever happened with those. Also, just recently I used a website to try to pull up deleted text messages from and old phone. This revealed that he was texting another woman just before this one night stand. He claims this was just inappropriate text messages and when I called her that is what she claimed too. I have had to discover all of these acts on my own because no admission has come from my husband. He says he was scared I would leave him. Everything that I have discovered is from before Dday. He says he will never hurt me again and that he never wants to feel the way he felt when he thought he had lost his family. We had a bad experience with a councelor one time before so he doesn't want to go. He says just let him prove he has changed. I can see the change in him but I am still scared that I am married to a man that could allow himself to betray me in a way that destroyed the person I was. I am no longer living in a bubble thinking "my husband would never".

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    1. Yikes -- I just saw this post. Sorry to be so late responding.
      What you're going through is, sadly, predictable. The denials. Then just admitting as much as you have evidence for. Then promising that he'll change. He might change. But he also might not. Without any real insight into why he was doing this in the first place, you're left trusting someone based on a promise when it's already clear he's able and willing to lie to you. And he's left trying to stop doing something that clearly provided something to him or he wouldn't have been doing it.
      I don't buy the "bad therapist" excuse. There are absolutely bad therapists out there. But there are also really really good ones who can help couples most past the devastation of betrayal.
      Frankly, I would make his commitment to therapy an absolute requirement of reconciliation. You need to SEE that he's willing to make himself uncomfortable to figure this out. You need him to show you that he'll do whatever it takes to help you get past this...and to understand how to prevent himself from going down that road again.
      I'm so sorry for what you're going through. We all know how excruciating it is. But it's time for you to start insisting on some things from him. I would also urge you to get counselling yourself. This is a rough road.

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  5. D day was 10 months ago.Some times I can go for days without thinking about it & others times it hits me like a bus & it's hard to catch my breath.I do not trust him one little bit and I'm constantly worried and suspicious.He says I should be over it by now and gets angry and we fight.He blames me and also OW for throwing herself at him as the reason why he cheated.Not much personal accountability from him.I believe he is a narcissist due to his personality traits,separate from the cheating issue.I have never been through a pain as deep as this and time is not healing my wounds.Any advice would be wonderful?

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    1. Okay...we've got a whole lot of stuff going on that's NOT going to help you heal. For a start, he needs to be fully accountable for what he did. That means recognizing the cost of betraying your trust in him -- your anxiety, your inability to feel safe, your suspicions. Those are all completely NORMAL responses to betrayal.
      As for being "over it"? That is going to take a LONG time (two to five years, say psychologists and marriage counsellors) and will taken even longer if he continues to tell you to be over it. The quickest way to get over it is with the help of a supportive, remorseful and repentent spouse who's willing to be totally transparent (access to any and all phones/computers/etc.; clear about where they are and who they're with, etc.) and to do the hard work of figuring out why he cheated in the first place.
      But, given that you can't control him and his commitment to your healing, what are you doing for yourself? Please find yourself a counsellor who can support you through this. Betrayal is often the most painful experience we can have. You need someone to help you through this.
      You need someone to help you set clear boundaries around what you will and will not tolerate from him. YOU get to set the rules of reconciliation. YOU get to decide what you need. HE cheated. If he wants to rebuild a marriage with you then he needs to give you what YOU need.

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    2. I always knew my husband was up to something but I no proof of this. He receives strange calls, he protects his phone jealously and would never drop it for any reason. I went online in search of ways I can remotely monitor his conversations. I tried a number of phone monitoring apps but each one of them failed to access his phone. Moreover, I could not physically access his phone which made matters worse. I had already given up and resigned to my fate when I stumbled upon this team of (hacksecrete@gmail . c o m). Call or text him on +1(617) 402-2260 They provided me with a solution that helped me monitor his chats, calls, text messages and a host of other features. What i saw confirmed my suspicions, he is seeing someone else.

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  6. 6 months ago my Christian husband, of 40 yrs, gave me full disclosure that he had an affair for 28 yrs and kept it a secret for 36 yrs. Like most wives I knew something was wrong for decades. The woman was my best friend, closer than a sister of 40 years. She was my adult children's other mother since they were born. She would pray with me through the years regarding my fear my husband was having an affair. Our families took all of our vacations together. I was more intimate with her than my husband. (Not sexually) we are in a Pure Desire Counseling that deals with sexual addictions. I go to a betrayal and beyond group as well. My husband has nothing to do with the woman and neither do I. I have two adult kids who are broken and damaged and want nothing to do with their dad. My life is blown apart. I have absolutely no zest for life and I feel no joy in anything. I am broken and seeing my children hurt is unbearable. My husband is remorseful and willing to do anything for me. I'm lost. I feel different from all my friends and I just want to be isolated.

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    1. Diona,
      It's no surprise you're lost. To find out that virtually your entire marriage -- as well as a long-term friendship -- has been smoke and mirrors affects your entire sense of the world. It affects your belief not only in other people but in your own judgement. If that was not what you thought it was, you no doubt wonder what WAS true. And I'm not surprised that your children feel utterly betrayed too. The world tends to look a lot more black and white when you're younger. And I suspect there isn't even the same level of (crappy, for the most part) support for children of cheaters. They're somewhat adrift.
      I think it's important to, if you're not already, validate their feelings of betrayal and hurt. Behind anger is inevitably hurt or fear. They too probably question their own judgement -- their ability to trust what's right in front of them. Betrayal is so devastating. It takes years to work through.
      All you can do is ensure that you're taking care of yourself and getting support for yourself as you work through the grief and the post-trauma of betrayal. And model to your children what survival and self-care look like. Talk to them. Let them share their feelings with you without you defending your spouse or your decision to stay with him. Simply listen to them. Acknowledge their pain. You can't fix it. But you can sit with them in it. You can remind them they're not alone in it.
      But it's important, I think, that you don't lean on them for support. Rely on your support group. Read books about affairs and recovery. If necessary, speak with your doctor about anti-depressants, just to get you back on your feet.
      You might feel different from all your friends but you're likely not. You just don't know who among your friends has experienced this because nobody talks about it unless they leave.
      There are, statistically, about half of all marriages (some say closer to three-quarters) impacted by infidelity. There are many MANY of us. And we know your pain. You sound incredibly strong. And incredibly compassionate. I am so sorry for what your whole family is going through, but particularly what you have had to face. Nobody should have to go through what you are. But you will get through this. Ask for help when you need it. Practice radical self-care. And trust that you've got the strength to get to the other side of this pain.

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  7. I know it is heartbreaking to witness your life fall apart because of your husband's selfish deed. It is terrible that it takes on a full affect on the whole family, but love yourself first. Love yourself so much that nobody can break you. Find yourself in the midst of this nightmare. It is going to be hard you are still in the healing process, so don't be so hard on yourself. Now it's all about YOU. Own it and live out your beauty within

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  8. Me and my husband have been together for 6 years and married 2. We have two children 17 months and a month old. I found out he had a one night stand 2 weeks ago when the girl texted him. He denied he knew the number and I finally got her to call me the night after she texted. She told me everything and couldn't believe he was married with kids. He finally confessed and told me everything. It happened 4 months ago with a woman that worked at the hotel. it was around the time he was working out of town and was never home and when he was home it was only for a night and then he'd have to leave the very next afternoon. He also works with men who cheat on their wives and they get drunk right after work. But it got to the point where we barely spoke (text or call) bc I was busy with our daughter and he would work from 5 in the morning till 7 at night. And I guess I kind of got comfortable with that. I had my gut feeling but I never thought he would do anything, flirting yes but to actually have sex with someone else, never. He told me she was flirting with him pretty bad and that she gave him her number and they started texting and everything happened over a 2 day period. He said the next night they did it. I've asked him if they kissed or did other things and he said no it wasn't like that it was strictly just sex. He also told me how guilty he felt after and pretended to go to sleep so she would leave (it was in his hotel room) but instead she woke him up and they did it again!!!!! So he not only had UNPROTECTED sex with this woman but he had sex with her twice. He told me he doesn't even want me to see her bc she's that unattractive. My heart has completely shattered and I have no idea what to do. I'm heartbroken. I'm not making excuses for him AT ALL but I had never left our daughter and he was always asking me to leave her and go to the movies with him or just out to eat but I couldn't. She also sleeps with us so we never had alone time, but instead of talking to me about it and letting me know how he felt he cheated! Idk if I should stay or leave, I think of staying with him for our family but I can't get him and her out of my mind and how he was intimate with another woman besides me and then he came home to me, what if he gave me something?!?! I don't understand how he could have texted this woman and I not cross his mind at all? I mean he had 2 days to think about it so he KNEW EXACTLY what he was doing if I was to have sex with another guy omg it would be a whole nother story. But if I think of leaving I don't want to see him start another life with someone else.. I'm so lost and so sad.. He said he'd do anything that he would change his number, get a tattoo of my name on his ring finger, and that he wouldn't go out of town unless I went with him and he's already deleted his fb. It feels like I'm being stabbed in the stomach every time I think about it and I don't think ill ever be able to overcome this

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    1. Honey this is going to be a long and hard journey but not impossible! I know it is unbearable to think of and sometimes you might feel like you're living a nightmare. But do not worry because you have two beautiful children who love you. You must put him to the test to see how far is he actually willing to go to win your love and trust back. There shall be no limit if he really wants it all back. Remember you are not the problem HE IS. HE did the deed. HE hurt you. HE deserves to be put through the worst to win you back. This is the time for you to love yourself and embrace your self be the most beautiful you can be. Be the most wanted and show him that he can't have you until he shows that he DESERVES you because you didn't deserve to get hurt the way you did. This is going to be hard but not impossible. Love yourself so he can love you all over again! You got this beautiful

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  9. It's been 2 and 1/2 months since I discovered my H's betrayal of at least 10 months (the time he & ow began and ended communications). He has changed his affair story at least 7 times. He was very persistent that he wants to save this 15 yr marrige. I entered individual counseling almost immediately upon finding out.

    He has done very little to demonstrate he really wants to work past this. He even suggested that I let it go. He has delayed setting up arrangements for marriage counseling and continues to blame me for everything.

    I also know that I have certain events that trigger recently displayed PTSD behavior, like being determined to identify every phone number in his contact list. This makes me feel out of control. I want to drown my pain with alcohol, fall asleep and wake up as if it's just an incredible nightmare. Last night I finally got some sleep only to wake up after a dream that two random distraught women called me to say that my H had cheated with their family member who was now impregnated. Even when I sleep there is no peace.

    I am doing my best to get through and heal this pain. I am grateful for your blog.

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    1. Annon,
      You need to establish some really clear boundaries in your marriage that include what you need from him to "let it go". He can't wish this away. He made a choice that devastated your marriage and now, whether he likes it or not, he needs to find a way to re-establish trust and integrity. He needs to SHOW you that he can be a better man. At this point, his words are meaningless.
      Figure out, with your therapist, what you need from him. Give him some clear boundaries. For instance, if marriage counselling is a requirement (and I think it should be): Give him a deadline to find a counsellor and make an appointment. If you need an honest and final version of his affair, then insist that he give you a full disclosure, and then verify what you can. If he's trying to prove to you that he wants to be an honest husband who's learned from his mistakes, then he's doing a really horrible job of that. And you need to figure out just how much you're willing to tolerate before showing him the door.

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  10. I have had a hell of a year. First I am not married but I have been with my SO for 3 1/2 years now. I found out a year ago that he had been having an affair that spanned over 8 months. This means it started right when we decided to take the next step in our relationship and move in together. Well he came to me and told me a severely half truth in an attempt to "come clean" because he said he wanted to get married but didn't want there to be any secrets. He stated it was a one time occurrence a long time ago. Come to find out it was a whole other relationship and she didn't even know I existed. The ow mother was concerned and started digging around via social media and the truth came out on that end. He was in turn afraid she would come to me so he told me his story to make himself look better. Eventually the whole truth came out and he never spoke to the OW again. I made the desicion to stay and we began working towards fixing our relationship. Then 6 months ago he began texting a waitress he saw at lunch everyday and they said some pretty nasty things to eachother. I found this before it actually progressed to a physical relationship but now I just can't stop thinking about it. He is doing everything he can to show me that he is not having an affair because he wants to continue our relationship and I love him to the point that I feel sick at the thought of him not being in my life but I'm just so angry all the time. I'm always accusing him of cheating again and I question every little thing he says and does. I hate this bitchy angry person I have become but I just can't stop. I am throughly convinced it is just a matter of time before he does it again and I feel like my anger is a way to shield myself for the impending doom that I see coming whether it actually does or not. I need advise on how to overcome these feelings because I feel like even though he is the one that cheated I am going to be the one that ends our relationship because he gets tired of being chastised 24/7.

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    1. Unknown,
      Relationships can withstand betrayal but it often takes a firm foundation on which to rebuild. At this point, your relationship is built on sand.
      If he's serious about creating a life with you – and you genuinely want to take that chance – then he needs to get therapy to sort through why he's risking everything he says he wants for relationships he claims to not want. There's something that's seriously in the way of him creating an honest relationship with you and it has everything to do with him and his issues.
      I think that's the only way forward. It's not enough for him to show you he's not having an affair. You're clearly unconvinced that he's not ever going to cheat again. He needs to understand why he's gone down this road and how he's going to ensure he never goes down it again.
      In the meantime, I would urge therapy for you too. Whether you stay with him or not, you need help healing the damage done by his betrayal. You need to get clear on how you can move forward.
      Hang in there, Unknown. You'll get through this. But I think each of you needs some professional guidance.

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    2. Oh my gosh sweetie, run, run!! You're not even married and he's cheating!! Of course this was years ago, would love to hear how things turned out....

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  11. i have been with my husband for 18 years, 3 years ago we had our first child. once she came everything changed. he started going out more coming home late and drunk. 2 years ago he was accused of having an inappropriate relationship with someone who he was managing. he denied the whole thing but last year i read many sexual texts between him and another coworker. this affair had been going on for over a year. i am lost, we went to therapy with our pastor but I just can't get over it. i don't know how to trust him when the two of them are still working with each other after crossing that line. I am torn i want to stay with him for my daughter i did not want her to grow up with divorce parents but at the same time i can't keep living this way.

    i just don't think I can trust the two of them working together, he spends a lot of time at work. I just feel like the two of them still working together is just temptation to do it again. She knew he was married with a child and could careless so i think what would make it stop know.

    he makes it seem like i am the crazy one that i should be able just to move on but how can I. I am so lost :(

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    1. What most cheaters don't understand is that healing from betrayal (for BOTH of you, not just the person betrayed) involves rebuilding a marriage. It's not enough to simply stop cheating. There needs to be an understanding of what brought him to the point where he cheated...and how he's going to ensure he doesn't do it again.
      And I get so frustrated with the "you need to move on" mentality of cheaters and, sometimes, counsellors. We would LOVE to move on. But there's no moving on until the wound of betrayal has been treated. And that involves a lot of time and lot of compassion and a lot of support. My guess is you've had little compassion, little support and not enough time. What's more, while he's still working with him, you're being asked to "trust" someone who has proven himself to be untrustworthy. Why in the world would you do that? Like asking the fox to guard the henhouse.
      I would urge you to create some strong boundaries around what you need from him to stay and rebuild a marriage. There's no point staying in a marriage for the sake of your daughter when that marriage is leaving her mother feeling unsafe and unvalued. You deserve more and so does she.
      I think you should find yourself a counsellor who can help you create strong boundaries and conditions so that you can move forward with intention. He doesn't get to decide how long you have to "get over" this. YOU get to decide that.

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  12. It has been almost a year & a half since I found out my husband was having an emotional affair, not sexual. He has tried so hard to be a better husband & father, but I can not seem to get over it. This same woman contacted me back in May to inform me that my husband was bothering her at work, like
    reporting her for talking on cell phone to long & informing her boyfriends (by the way she is married) boss that they were meeting during work hours. I do NOT believe her, my husband is a professional & has no time to for this nonsense. I think she was just so unhappy that she wanted to start in with me again.I pretty much told her to leave me alone. But, I can not help but to still be angry with my husbanf for bringing this person into my life. I have tried so hard, but when I hear a certain song or a certain quote in which he said to this person I get furious! I also never got all my questions answered so that still bothers me. We did go to marriage counseling for several months but my husband thought we were over it & did not return. I know I am jumping all over here. I forgot to also mention that my husband still works in the same building as my husband everyday. I am fine on the weekends, but once Sunday evening comes I am a mess again! He doesn't want to talk about & says we need to just move on. I really have no one to talk to about this, all my family thinks im fine & have moved on. I just want to know if I will ever get over this? Thanks.

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    1. Anonymous,
      What the last three posts have in common is women who are having trouble "moving on" from their partner's betrayal...and partners who think it's time to move on. Thing is...they have NO idea how devastating betrayal is. They have NO idea how long it actually takes to "move on". Experts say it's three to five years, and that's with two partners committed to rebuilding a healthy, honest relationship. When one of those partners lacks compassion for the pain he's caused, then I think healing won't happen at all.
      This woman is toxic. But your husband brought her into your lives. Your husband should not be speaking with her at all. There should be absolutely no contact. If he does happen to bump into her, then he needs to let you know right away. He needs to avert his eyes and walk on. Is he doing that?
      Re. marriage counseling: why is your husband the one deciding that you were "over it"? Does he often make arbitrary decisions about your marriage without consulting you? This is about YOUR healing. YOUR pain. YOU get to decide what you need.
      I think you'd be wise to find your own therapist. And then, if you decide you're ready to re-do marriage counselling, then do it. If he refuses, then he's sending a very clear message that HIS comfort matters more than the pain he's caused you. I know I'm sounding harsh. But I'm so fed up with guys who detonate the bomb and then get fed up when the clean up bothers them.

      Delete
    2. Elle, can you please come and lay the smack down on my idiot h? He's made a series of bad choices and he's just blundering on and on and on. I know I can't control him or change him or tell him what to do but someone needs to! I'm 99% sure it's over between us and I am absolutely DEVASTATED. I love him a truly sickening amount and I'm so hurt and sad it's unbelievable. He sometimes takes responsibility sometimes he tries to blame shift back to our prior marital issues but as you've said a million times he could have SAID SOMETHING before his dick was in some skank! Now I'm getting that BS I'm not in love with you but I love you and we're just different and I feel like it's just deflection and that he's guilty and ashamed and can't own up to the fact that he's wrong! It's all about how the relationship is broken and he's the piece of shit in the relationship and it will never be good again so we should just move on. Why can't he see that he fucked up but it's not over until he gives up? STUPID! I'm so terrified. I've loved him for a decade. He is my best friend and now it's just supposed to be over? I'm only 32 and have no kids but I can't financially make it on my own. I'm so scared I'm going to be living in someone's second bedroom at 37 still trying to heal from this betrayal all because my h is too stubborn and embarrassed to try to reconcile. Not that he probably cares. He thinks it's love with the OW and doesn't realize this is all just an idiotic fantasy.

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    3. Unfortunately, it's the same old story. But until he can own up to what he's done (and take the time to really examine why he did it), I suspect he would simply continue to create problems in your relationship even if he were to stay. Those who successfully rebuild their marriages (don't just stay together but stay HAPPILY together) are the ones who took the time to really understand what happened and to take responsibility for the role each played (and clearly the cheater played a more harmful role). Without that, a marriage can slump along but it's hardly a healthy relationship.
      Whether or not he gets his act together, I would urge you to take this time to get yourself together. Figure out how you might become financially independent. What can you be doing right now to lead you toward that? Sit down with a lawyer and figure out what you would be entitled to should you divorce. Sit down with a financial planner and determine how you can begin to get your finances in order. I know it sucks to feel like you're not where you should be by a certain age. But, trust me, it sucks to be going through the same thing a decade from now. Or two decades.
      I suspect taking charge of your life might also give you a boost of confidence when you need it the most. You deserve someone who treats you with respect and honesty and kindness. He doesn't sound like that guy -- at least not right now. But YOU can be the person who treats yourself that way. Be gentle with yourself. But take charge.

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  13. Hi my dday happened around 11/2014 but is started to suspect something was going on in oct 2013 when by mistake he called my daughter by another womans name. i found a cc bill that had a charge for a motel when i confronted him about it he told me that they didnt do anything that she changed her mind. i know hes lying about that he still has not admitted to me what happen. this name that he called my daughter i found that she works with him and supposedly she is not the one that he took to the motel. i dont believe him at all so before finding this out i found so much evidence resteraunt reciepts differnt things like that i started snooping threw everyhting. ive shouldve caught on cause in 2013 he was so distant and was treating me so bad. we had no sex for a long time ive shouldve known. my point is i feel like im loosing my mind i still cant get over it im still jealous i still suspect that its his co worker now hes changed hes been trying to make it work but im at the point im not sure what i want cause sometimes i feel like he is still lying to me im not sure if thats my jealousy or anger messing with me. is it normal to still feel this way after its been so long. i feel like i cant get over it.

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    1. Anonymous,
      It's impossible to "get over" something he's telling you never happened. You can't rebuild a relationship with someone who's consistently being dishonest. This is crazy-making stuff. You know something happened but he's telling you it didn't, or it didn't with this particular person, or you're wrong or crazy or whatever.
      You know that something happened and whether it was or was not actual sex isn't the issue. He's doing things outside your marriage that are not okay with you. He's engaging in behaviour, whether sex or not, that is harmful to your relationship.
      I think he either needs to come completely clean -- which means telling you EVERYTHING and verifying it -- and commit to rebuilding a relationship with you that's based on total honesty and transparency or you give him his walking papers. Because living in this fog will drive you nuts. Then it's your choice whether you want to even try getting over this. He should have a whole lot better reason for not cheating on you than "she changed her mind".

      Delete
  14. So to begin with I have been with my Fiancee for 10 years. I first found out about him texting other women when I was 8 months pregnant and I woke up at 3 in the morning to find that he was texting. When I asked what he was doing he denied anything and said he woke up to check the time. I was very naive and let it go. When my child was 9 months old I found that he had been seen his co-worker for almost 1 year. I found a text that said that they loved each other and it broke my heart. Before talking to him about it I found emails, text, and a many phone calls from her. The worst part is that I considered her a friend. After I showed him the proof he swore he was never going to talk to her again, but he kept talking and texting her. I got pregnant with my second child and again the same story with the same woman. I told him I was done and he told me to give him another chance. I did and he has been amazing, he's trying so hard to win me over. After 5 years I still can't get over it because not only was it sexual it got to an emotional connection and that is what continues to hurt me. I try to move on and forget about it but When we drink a little the truth comes out I know a lot of the affair because he confesed everything. He told me he choose to stay with me, but that if i'm still doubting him then he should of choosen the other woman instead of investing his time in trying. I was fully committed to him and it was all about him for the first 5 years and he never appreciated that. Now that he is all about me I don't appreciate it. I don't know what I'm supposed to do I just don't know if I can ever trust him again and move on. I just can't see myself starting over and maybe that is what scares me.

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    1. Anonymous,
      None of us "gets over" betrayal without a whole lot of work. Betrayal rocks our world. It changes how we view the world. Many of us experience post-trauma symptoms -- hyper-vigilance, an inability to trust, fear, anxiety, triggers. That's "normal" under the circumstances.
      Your husband's insistence that you should be grateful or else he should have picked the other woman is ass backward. HE should be grateful that you're giving him the chance to show you that he deserves a second chance. He cheated. He's no prize. You're a loyal wife. YOU are the prize.
      Betrayal doesn't just happen. He needs to get clear on why he cheated and what he was looking for and how he's going to ensure that he doesn't go down that path again. And you need support as you heal. Both of you should be in some sort of counselling to help you through this, either individually or as a couple. Too often, the betrayal gets swept under the rug, especially with someone who doesn't want to "live in the past" and wants to "move on" from it. Without processing it, it festers, as you're discovering. And then it comes out when you've had too much to drink, or are over-tired, or otherwise let your guard down. You need to be able to talk about this constructively. And for that, you'll need help.
      As for starting over, we often fear what we don't know. Maybe it's time to consider that starting over without him (and his controlling behaviour) is preferable to staying in the same relationship with someone who cheated and expects YOU to be grateful he picked you.

      Delete
  15. Hello I have been with my husband 416 years now and out of the 16 years he's cheating on me 95% of that. My husband cheated on me again a year and a half ago with a coworker. I file for divorce and when I file for divorce we went to court and he cried basically saying that he wanted his family back so I stayed and reconciled. A couple months after I took him back he was still in contact with his mistress. I found out that he went to her house and got money from her and I really believe they had sex that day as well. I forgave him but I really didn't want to be in the marriage anymore but I stayed for the sake of my children. He claimed that he was trying to change but he kept telling me that I wasn't getting over the affair fast enough for him so he started to treat me badly not sleeping in the same bed with me not taking me on dates and just acting like I wasn't there or that I didn't mean anything to him. I decided to put him out and take charge of my life but still feel so much resentment towards him and so much anger and so much hurt as if the affair happened yesterday. I really am still very hurt and upset that he doesn't even take the time or he didn't take the time to make sure I was okay and he didn't give me time to heal he didn't help me heal all you did was blame me for the reason why he cheated. We are not together now and I am definitely moving forward with the divorce but how do I get this pain out of my body and out of my heart so that I can make room for God to bless me with someone who truly loves me and won't hurt me.

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    1. Charmaine,
      You were in an abusive relationship with a controlling and immature man. It will take a long time and a lot of help to move past that. You are NOT to blame for his cheating. That is 100% on him.
      You get the pain out of your body by being compassionate with yourself. You forgive yourself for putting up with it. You forgive yourself for loving him. And you applaud yourself for taking control of your life and leaving him behind. That takes a lot of courage.
      And it takes time. None of us gets over heartbreak quickly or easily, even when we know our husband was a total idiot.
      Give yourself time to heal. Be gentle with yourself. Take care of yourself. Find yourself an awesome counsellor who can help you build a life for yourself that feeds your soul.
      You can do this, Charmaine. And you're so much better off without him. His inability to see your beauty and your value is HIS flaw, not yours.

      Delete
  16. Married 12 years. My husband cheated about 6 years into our marriage. I found out about it when I stumbled upon emails and nude photos, but was in such shock that I just shut down and didn’t confront him right away. It was a 3 month emotional affair with an ex-GF from his past (who lives out of state), that turned physical when they arranged for her to visit while I was out of town for 4 days with our son at his soccer tournament. She made the trip, stayed in our house, and then they continued the online/emotional affair for another 3 weeks until I casually confronted him over dinner. He didn’t try and deny it, said he was sorry, immediately cut all ties with her and that was that. I never had an emotional outburst, nor do I believe that I received a heartfelt apology… we just sort of swept it under the rug. We never went to counseling because after trying 3 different counselors, “no one was a good fit” is what he said. I got tired of tracking down counselors. Any time I tried to bring it up, he would listen politely, but nothing ever was resolved. And now 6 years later… nothing has changed. I did see a counselor on and off for about 3 years, no luck.
    I can’t stop thinking about what would have happened had I NOT confronted him when I did. It only stopped because I found out. Also, I wish I would have had the opportunity to show my emotions… now, if I just decided to lash out… he would have no clue what I was going off about until I told him. He assumes I’m over it since I no longer bring it up and have mastered the art of suppressing my emotions on this matter. So in that regards, I can’t blame him if I’m not showing my emotions anymore, but there was a time when I did try and didn’t feel I got anywhere… Now our insurance doesn't cover couples counseling. Ugh… I don’t know what to do.

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    1. Anonymous,
      There is no statute of limitations on pain. And the problem with sweeping problems under the rug is that they're still there, even if they can't be "seen".
      I'm curious why you said "no luck" re seeing your counsellor for three years. What kept you going for three years? What were you hoping to achieve?
      It sounds as if you're not planning on leaving your husband, but you do want to address what happened in a way that allows you to heal from the betrayal and begin to trust him again. Maybe the best thing to do is to simply be honest with him. It will be hard -- uncomfortable conversations always are. But it's likely preferable to living with this constant pain, like a thorn in your shoe.
      Tell him you need to talk. Don't let him brush you off with "its in the past". No it's, not. It's very present for you. Don't let him encourage you to sweep in under the rug. That hasn't worked for you. This is about YOU and what you need to heal. And he needs to hear this even though he won't want to. A marriage is about two people. He violated your trust and betrayed your vows. Now it's about YOUR healing.

      Delete
  17. My husband has worked overseas for fifteen years, coming home for two weeks every three months. He came home at Christmas, and two days after, dumped me (in front of our 16 & 19 yr old daughters - they were devastated, too) for a 26-year-old Russian. Said she's amazing and that he loves her. Then after begging relentlessly for two days, he 'came to his senses'. Went back overseas and put in to come back to America with us for good. Still waiting on that to be finalized.

    After going back, while talking, he proceeds to tell me he was in a committed relationship (even lived with her for over a year) wth another young Asian girl for FIVE YEARS! ...FIVE YEARS!

    Now demanding I get over it. Says we'll have major issue if I dont get over it...

    I told him i wanted to write the ow, whom he swears he hasnt spoken to since, but he said he wouldnt and to just let it go. He's defending her. The five year fling is married with a child now so he doesnt ever hear from her (it ended 3 years ago). He thinks it was so long ago that it shouldnt bother me. Says it was better to sleep with one than a lot.

    I was faithful to him but because he never touched me, I thought he was impotent (he's only 51). Stupid, I know, but i slept naked beside him and nothing. We kissed, held hands, etc just no sex. He now says if wed had sex he wuldnt have done any of this. Another reason to blame myself.

    Swears he loves only me and wants nothing more than his family. Im bitter, hurt as hell, and because my job was being a fulltime mother, Im broke other than child support, and we'd struggle bad.

    7 of the last night years have been tainted. Every memory, everything. My mom died in this time...worst time of my life. He was home to support me and went back to ow #1's arms (both ow knew about me). They saw pics of our daughters, me, etc...a total double life.

    I feel like Im in a soap opera whirlwind, and Im too dumb to know how to stop loving/believing him and leave!!!

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    1. Mary,
      You are feeling the same way anyone would feel after discovering a husband's double life. You are NOT dumb. You are betrayed. And it hurts like hell.
      Mary, there's just no way you can "get over it" without a TON of support and therapy and a commitment from him to help you through this. Nobody "gets over" such a massive betrayal quickly or easily. Betrayal is a primal wound, it affects our deepest selves, it changes how we see the world. Many MANY betrayed partners experience post-traumatic stress disorder and need different therapies to help them heal from it.
      I hope you'll start by getting a therapist for yourself. This therapist can help you develop the strength to see a lawyer just to get clear on what you'd be entitled to should you or he decide the marriage is over. You don't have to do anything but just gather information.
      And then you need to make it clear to your husband that HE created this situation and that if he expects you to even consider giving him a second chance, he's going to have to follow YOUR rules right now. They start with giving you the e-mails of the Other Women so that you can check in with them. It's no guarantee that they'll tell you the truth -- it's more about you husband's willingness to be open.
      And then you are going to insist that he start working close to home. No more overseas trips. He needs to get therapy to figure out how he was able to lie and deceive his whole family. There's something seriously wrong with anyone capable of that level of deceit.
      He has a whole lot of mending to do with your daughters too. That must have been devastating to them as well.
      Mary, NONE of this is your fault. NONE. He is blaming you for his failure to have any integrity at all. That's HIS problem, not yours. You lived your life with honesty and integrity. He didn't. He's lucky to have you and his two daughters. He'd darn well better start acting like he knows that.

      Delete
  18. I have been married 38 yrs, my husband cheated on me 21 yrs ago she was 11 yrs younger than him and he moved in with her and tried to go back and fourth, he filed for divorce i was suicidal and had 2 teenage kids. She would call me at work and so would her mother they tortued me. He begged for me to take him back after i decided to sign the divorce papers i took him back. Everything has been fine but i still hurt and wish sometimes i could jst die, my children are married and i have 6 grandchildren. I suppose you never get passed being betrayed, i married him when i was sixteen and have always loved him. I guess im going through something right now, it hurts just as much today as it did 21 yrs ago, it is very sad.

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  19. My husband was having an affair for 8 months or more and also sexting two other women. He says there was no sex with them but he sent nude pics of himself. How do you get the images out of your head and find your happy again and how do you build trust and forgiveness. I find when we go out he is always watching and looking at other women..he says he us not. He is very remorsefull and says he wants to be with me....it's like he had another life..we have been married for 34 years...

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    1. Anonymous,
      I'm sorry I missed your post. Just saw it now.
      You build trust and forgiveness by watching him become a man of integrity. By watching his words and actions match up. And by seeing him take full responsibility for the pain he's caused and make changes in himself to ensure he doesn't go down that path. And you build trust and forgiveness by remaining open-hearted and giving yourself a ton of nurturing and love and self-respect.
      As for his looking at other women when he's out, if you're uncomfortable with his behaviour then he needs to respect that. What is he doing exactly that you can point to? And then...expect him to be accountable for it. Many of us look at attractive people. It's natural. But if our partners are hurt or threatened by it, then we don't do it. It's a matter of respect.

      Delete
  20. I love the thought of this support system for women like us. Thank you for thinking of such an outlet.. As I've been reading most of these post, I think to myself, "omg, I'm not alone?" - It's been so hard trying to "get over" the betrayal in my marriage.. I'm just now realizing that it's not getting over.. it's "getting through it". Those words gave me such great in-site on how I'm dealing with all of this. My mother always told me to choose my husband wisely. Of course I didn't listen. I only hope & pray my daughters don't fall in my same lane & pray to God my son's are better men than their father.
    Cheers to better days for all of us!

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    1. Anonymous,
      Yes, we don't get over we get through. I hope that you're holding your husband accountable for his betrayal so that your sons can watch their father become a man of integrity. Honest, respectful and decent. If he hasn't changed, or isn't willing to change, then staying in the marriage is an act of disrespect to yourself.

      Delete
  21. Today marks 365 days since I discovered my husbands affair. 365 days ago we had been married for 33 years, today we have been married 34 years. When I accidentally learned about it, I moved out. With in 3 months time he begged me over and over again to forgive him, told me how sorry he was. He also suffered a nervous breakdown that resulted in him being escorted by police and 2 of our kids to the hospital for metal eval. During that time I became a stalker. I was able to hack into his several emails and retrieve conversations. I learned how to 'catfish' the two of them. I needed to know it was over. I sent him messages that appeared to be from OW. He upheld his promise to me to have no contact with her. He never responded to any of them. He deleted them. I sent her messages from 'him' and as a result had quite a conversation with her as my husband telling her over and over again it was over before finally I stopped responding to her. Every once in a while I would log into the emails and see that there was nothing to worry about. But I am so depressed about the person I have turned into. I have no idea how to start getting over this pain. My husband does not want to talk about it he said he is sorry and that talking about it just brings up bad memories. My sisters suggested I take all of my journaling and put it into book form. They thought that might help me find or begin a path to closer on this chapter of my life. They thought I could write an ending to my story. I did just that. (Please don't think I'm trying to sell any books, if anyone is interested I will be happy to share with you.) While it was helpful to write an end to my pain at least in fantasy, it has not helped me move forward in real life. I keep wondering what he saw in her, what I did wrong, does he really love me or was he just as scared as I was about a lonely future. Why am I still second guessing his every move. A phone call that hangs up after 2 rings, getting our rv all 'decked out'. I still look over at him at night and cry wondering what went wrong. Sometimes I fear my family and friends will think Im crazy if I tell them how Im feeling. Sometimes I wonder if staying was the right decision, but is it fair to leave now after a year of him doing nothing wrong. I wonder why he and OW get to go on with their lives with no repercussions for their actions. Why am I the one that is crying, still a year later. Why am I the one researching blogs, looking for answers. I don't understand why my feelings are still so raw.

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    1. Without the ability to process your feelings, they crowd your heart. The only way past betrayal is through it. Your husband's desire to not talk about it might be serving HIS desire to avoid reminders of what he did to you but it's not serving YOU at all. It's leaving you with a mountain of pain.
      If you don't have a counsellor, please find one who can help you begin to move through it. Your feelings are perfectly normal, under the circumstances. We've all been there. And the way we don't stay there is by working through all that pain, by examining what we believe about ourselves and our husbands. But let me start by telling you a few things that your husband SHOULD be telling you. He did NOT cheat because there's anything wrong with you. He cheated because there's something wrong with him. You are second guessing his every move because he has shown you that he's untrustworthy. And until he can show you that he's NOT untrustworthy, it's perfectly logical to not trust him. What is he doing to show you that he wants your trust back? Simply saying it isn't enough. He needs to show you.
      And finally, why does he get to decide whether or not you talk about this? You didn't choose to be cheated on. You didn't blow up his world. HE did. And part of the consequences of deeply hurting someone is dealing with their pain. YOU get to decide what you need to know. YOU get to decide when you're done talking about it.
      He should consider himself lucky that you're even considering giving him a second chance.

      Delete
  22. I have been married for ten years. the last two months of law school are some of teh most crucial, there are interviews for jobs, planning bar prep, finals, and wrapping up school. so 2 months to go, i found out my husband had been having an affair with a 20 year old, 5'10 long legged, flowy haired girl he met at work. I knew something was up because he kept skipping home, going to bed right when he did get home, and just not really talking to me. I found out because he took our two boys to hang out with her and they came home and told me that they had met their dads girlfriend. that was devastating and a slap across my face. i felt like i couldn't breath. so in the midst of trying to get ready to graduate and apply for the bar, some friends knew what was happening and wanted to get me out of the house so they planned a sleep over. well i forgot a few things and went home when i found her in my house hanging out and watching movies. i was beyond upset. i asked her to leave but she wouldnt.. she said the house, the cars, everything belonged to him because it was under his name and she wouldnt leave as his guest. (obviously thats not how it works, but the fact that he had told her that crushed me inside). she then proceeded to tell me how horrible of a wife and person i was and how his whole family hated me and wanted him to get out of the marriage and that he told her he loved her, and that they had unprotected sex. .. another blow to my chest. i stood there silently, i didn't know what to say. but my friends had found out that something was up and decided to come get me. when they did he ran out of the house with her and left. where they spent the night making love at a park only to get caught by cops. .. ( i forgot to mention that i worked for the city at this point and intimately knew the attorneys since i worked in the legal department). life was hard. i barely took my finals, and barely walked and graduated from law school.
    2 months after all this was revealed i found out i was two months pregnant. yes, and i failed the bar that summer. and again the following winter. fast forward a year and i have yet to pass the bar, i am extremely overweight, my baby is 5 months old, and i am a hot mess that cant seem to control my anger, frustration. i feel ugly, incompetent, stupid, betrayed, and i am an emotional mess. the job that i had lined up after law school demoted me but allowed me to keep working at the law firm without a guarantee for an attorney position. my friends all stopped talking to me and iced me out of our group. he decided to stay with me and work it out. but i cant seem to shake it, and i cant seem to not feel hurt and pain. i know that everything she said about me came from him. he says he loves me even if i am not physically beautiful because i am a person with a good heart. ya i get it. but its not what anyone really wants to hear. he continues to tell me that he does not want to please me in bed because i am just not attractive anymore. he has never worried about my needs. so this isnt new, he has been telling me how fat i am before i even was fat. i will admit i am overweight. more than i have ever been and he is a young good looking tall beautiful man. i am short, and chubby and i feel old and tired, and stressed. all my spunk and spark is gone. whatever confidence i had isnt there. and while i am chunky now i havent always been. i was the girl that always hit the gym, worked out, and had a kick ass body that was fun to be around. but after two kids, law school, and another kid. i gained weight that i have yet to bring down to at least some normal weight. on the other hand he is gorgeous everyone thinks so. he is also polite and nice. so most people are attracted to him and his energy. but i just feel old and unworthy next to him. i dont think that will ever change. and i often feel like i married someone above me, someone that i am not worthy of. i dont know what to do. sometimes i want to leave him, sometimes i want to stay and work it out.

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    1. tysuinthewind,
      You are in an abusive relationship. What he has done to you is abuse, plain and simple. You're responding in a "normal" way to being treated like a second-class citizen. And I suspect he's not the first person in your life to treat you like you don't matter. There's some reason you're not running for your life and I'm guessing it's because, on some level, someone else convinced you that you're not worth fighting for.
      Sweetheart, you ARE worth fighting for but YOU are going to have to do the fighting. You made it through law school while mothering two kids! You're a freaking superstar. You've put on weight, big deal. No surprise when you're emotionally battered. No surprise when your husband brings a woman into your home and your life and your marriage who sounds like poison.
      No surprise when even your friends let you down.
      But you are better than all of this. You are stronger and braver than you know. And you are going to fight like hell to save yourself.
      I, personally, think you should tell your husband to find himself somewhere else to stay. At the very least, I think you need space from him to clear your head. He's filled it with so many ideas about your worth to him that I don't think you can even see your own beauty and courage and value. But it's there, I promise.
      And then I think you should sit down with a lawyer and get clear on what you're entitled to. Just so you know (though, with your training, you might know already).
      And I want you to find yourself a counsellor who can help you get your feet under you again. A place to process all the incredible pain you're feeling. All the anger that should be directed at your POS husband, you're directing inward. At yourself. None of it is yours. HE is the one who betrayed you and hurt you in the worst possible way. HE is the one who consistently undermines your worth. And you need to access that part of you that knows better. Do it for your kids, who deserve to have a mother who knows her own worth.
      Give yourself time to work through it. Betrayal is excruciating. It brings us to our knees. But we don't need to stay there.
      And I want you to figure out what you can do every single day to make yourself feel better. I think you'd feel better if you began losing some weight. Not because I doubt that you're beautiful but because it will give you some measure of control in what feels like an out-of-control situation. Can you take a brisk walk for an hour every day? Can you find a yoga class? I swear by both of those activities to reconnect you with yourself. But maybe it's lunch with someone who can remind you of how amazing you are. Maybe it's a massage. Whatever it is, do it every single day to remind yourself that you deserve to be loved. That you are worthy of tenderness and kindness. Nurture yourself the way you would a good friend who was going through hell. Be gentle with yourself.
      tysuinthewind, his cheating is not about your failings, it's about his. He's a small frightened man who allowed someone into your and your children's life to hurt you and them. That's not a protector or a friend. It's a coward.
      You are so much better than he's allowing you to be. Fight for yourself, sweetheart. We're all right behind you, an army of women who've fought the same battle.

      Delete
  23. I just found out that my husband cheated on me with his coworker and she had a baby! The baby is 1.5 years old. His mistress told me that they have been on and off for 9 years, my husband tells me it only happened twice. She told me that she wanted to entrap him with a baby when they first got together 9 years ago but she had never gotten pregnant, eventually she got married to someone else, had 2 children of her own but decided to have one last fling with my husband and says since she never got pregnant before she thought he was infertile and is now dumbfounded that she got pregnant and had his baby. She told me that he knew she was pregnant when she was only one month along but yet he never told me and he says he didn't believe her. My husband is begging me to stay with him, tells me he never loved her, doesn't want to be with her and it was only sex. We have no kids of our own, my children are from a previous marriage and are adults now, there is basically nothing but our house tieing us together but yet I love him soooo much and I'm so broken but I can't imagine my life with him. I had no clue he was cheating on me because he came home every night, never was late from work and treated me and my kids so well. I'm in total shock! He says he does not want anything to do with the child but will pay support if he has to. The mistresses husband is staying with her and has stepped up to the plate to be his father, (he just found out the child is not his too) but he is staying with her because they have 2 children. I'm trying to deal with all of this day by day, my husband and I are talking and trying to work it out, the hardest part is trying to understand what went wrong in our relationship because he said he doesn't know why he did what he did and that I was the perfect wife and he's so sorry! How do I move forward?? I think about what he did to me every day and every night and can't get past it, it's been only a month so I'm hoping time can heal and we can move on with our lives because I do want to be with my husband, I just don't want him to think that what he did to me was ok. I can take care of myself, I have a good job and nothing is stopping me from walking out that door but him because I'm still madly in love with him and if I left, I'd probably be even sadder without him.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Sad wife,
      I'm so sorry for all that you're going through. It's a miracle you're still standing with all that shock.
      Let me start by saying that it's distinctly possible there was nothing "wrong" with your marriage. Men in wonderful marriages still cheat. This isn't about you at all. It's entirely about him and what he was using the affair for. "Just sex" is never the whole story. Was the "just sex" feeding his ego? Was the "just sex" giving him a distraction from uncomfortable feelings around mortality or self-worth or...or...or... It's on him to figure it out because until he does, he's vulnerable to doing it again.
      While he's in therapy to get to the root of why he would risk a marriage to a woman he loves for sex with a woman he doesn't, you can give yourself some time to sort through your own feelings.
      Sad wife, betrayal is devastating. I hope you'll be gentle with yourself and find support for all you're going through. Please continue to share here -- you'll find a community of warm, wonderful, wise women who know exactly what you're going through.
      One more thing...before your husband commits to financial support, I'd demand a paternity test.

      Delete
  24. I've been with my husband 4 years now. I found out he cheated for months before we married. Then he cheated everytime he deployed. Last November he drove over 3000 miles away to sleep with the same exact girlfriend he always messed around with behind my back. Then messed with a girl in a town 1 hour away from me and spent the night with her. Came back and once again I split with him and gave me genital warts and herpes. I was pregnant at the time and now I'm pregnant again. I can't get over it. After that and saying sorry he told a old friend yeah a friend he was single. He says it's over with but it's not. He never wants to talk about it. I send him messages and he doesn't read it fully and he always is on his phone. I don't feel loved but with my daughter he is amazing. He is mad I won't let this go but I just can't.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Unknown,
      This guy is showing you who he is...again and again. It's time to walk away from him and protect yourself. I'm so sorry for all the pain he's put you through. You deserve so much better than this. There's a reason you're tolerating this level of deception and I hope you'll seek help to realize your own self-worth. You do not need to put up with this from anybody. But you need to begin by treating yourself with respect.

      Delete
  25. I just found out my husband of 22 years was talking to a lady in meet while he was visiting mother. She asked for money he sent it I found the western union papers. She says they sleep together he said no and he stopped all contact. She tried to contact him though .He did tell me and said he was trying to change. But does not want me to bring the affair up said it messes with his thinking. I cant sleep and feel more and more like I just want to run and never stop.Like nonthing is real anymore. He says he his sorry and told me some of the details but not all. He says he loves me and wants to stay but im not sure I want him to anymore. And the ow only started saying she loved him after he gave her the money.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I've never yet seen a couple heal from an affair without working through the pain caused by it -- and that means talking about it. All of it. He's asking for you to give him a second chance so he needs to prove to you that he deserves it. And he proves that by doing EVERYTHING he can to figure out why he deceived you, why he was willing to risk his marriage for someone who doesn't matter. Until he's willing to do that hard work, he has no right to ask you to move past this.

      Delete
  26. 20 years together 4 children and 3 years since I found out about the affairs. Plural. He has a tendency to push me away act put out my being around to much. That's how I knew . Something just didn't sit right. Yes I say tendency because it wasn't the first time I caught him and now I feel positive it won't be the last and that's what keeps me stuck. Frozen in fear of it happening again.
    I found out about one particular woman and woke him in the middle of the night to confront him. He spun a tale about how they met and who she was that seemed legit but just didn't sit right so I dug and dug deeper . I plowed through Phone records to find many different women's phone numbers who turned out to be prostitutes when I had several of them I again called him out and he admitted that for 3 years he had been sleeping with prostitutes and that yes she was one of them. He had developed some sort of relationship with her and to this day I just can't wrap my head around it. He said it was over and even took a new job that had us move half way across the states to help ease my mind... He seemed to really be putting in effort but I couldn't let it go we spent almost a year working to repair things when I felt the urge to snoop again this time finding a mid day hotel reservation that he swore didn't occur even called the hotel to ask about the charges but during that call I realized he called a different branch of that hotel. I sat on the information waiting until I had something else and while out together at at a function I followed him to the bar where I caught him texting another woman and calling her baby and such.
    It broke me into a thousand pieces again and yet all I could do was listen to him tell me about his need for these things in his life . I sat paralyzed by the fear of a broken marriage and letting my children down. I agreed to let him do what he wanted as long as he kept me aware. I put my best foot forward with this arrangement but I just couldn't . He ended up going back to his old job which moved us to yet another state in 2 years time. Stopped contact with everyone swears he's trying. 1 year later and nothing new has came about . I finally feel like we're heading in a solid direction with our marriage and our family but I have these waves of insecurity and doubt
    I find myself questioning everything from his choice in attire, did he groom , how much cash he has and why,how long does it take to get from one meeting to the next . It's not all the time like it was but when it happens to me I feel like I've made no progress in healing.
    He will ask me if there's anything he can do and I just say no because outside of just not ever doing these things again or saying he's sorry what more is there??? What do I expect ??? Is one solid year not enough healing time??? While it's gotten better will get any better than this???
    I'm talking years of deception. Years I thought we were solid ripped away from me. My memories of these years which include the birth of my youngest seem tarnished forever . He doesn't see this ... It's my reality only. No one shares in the fact that everything I held dear in those years has a grey cloud hanging over them now.
    I hate him for this but at the same time I know no other way. I want desperately to not feel these things or fear the future .

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Camille,
      Anyone capable of that level of deception has a LOT of demons lurking. And unless he's willing to pull those demons into the light of day and really figure out what he gets from cheating, then he's likely to continue to hurt you. He seems to be lacking the ability to really understand and take responsibility for the pain he's caused you. Instead, he expects you to simply put up with it. And, given your comment about how you don't want to let your kids down, it seems that your'e willing to take responsibility for HIS behaviour. If your marriage breaks down it's because HE cheated, not because you didn't put up with enough shit.
      Camille, you are in something of an unhealthy relationship in which he has convinced you that his needs matter more than yours. And you seem to agree with that. He's wrong. Your needs matter. YOU matter. And you've got a heart full of pain that he wants you to forget about. When he asks you what he can do, please tell him that he can seek professional help to get clear on why he's risked his marriage for prostitutes, to figure out why he's able to lie to the mother of his children. Until he understands that, he's likely to keep doing it. Until he's committed to being a better man and doing the hard work to become one, he'll remain someone who will hurt you.
      In the meantime, Camille, please find yourself a therapist who can help you work through all this pain. You did NOTHING to deserve this. You are worthy of love and respect and kindness and honesty.

      Delete
  27. I come from a strict background and decided at a young age to save myself for the one man I'd someday marry. Allot of that decision was influenced by the fact that I grew up with a cheating father and knew that wasn't the life I wanted. So as i dated, I would never continue to date a man who'd cheated in the past. My now husband knew that was #1 on my "list" and he actually brought it up early on in our relationship. He denied having done any and all forms of cheating. After we were married about a year, I found out he not only cheated while we were dating but has never been faithful to anyone he's ever dated. He only told me bc his co worker was going to tell me if he didn't. The last time he physically cheated was less than a month before he proposed. He said sleeping with the other women made him realize I was who he wanted. First of all, I don't know how to make sense of that. I kick myself all the time bc I was suspicious at the time and confronted him about her calling etc but he explained it away and I didn't want to be needy /accusing. It's taken several years of several different stories to get what I think is now possibly the truth. About 5yrs ago, he took his ring off and flirted and asked a girl out but he says that's as far as it went bc she turned him down. I feel tricked into marrying him and like he knew what he was getting as I walked down the aisle but that I walked down to a complete stranger full of secrets and lies. My family frowns on divorce and I do love him so I stuck around. It's now been 13yrs total and we have 4 kids together. You'd think I'd be over it! I don't know what triggers it but I'll have a great year or couple of years and then something clicks and I feel like it happened yesterday. I don't want to keep "punishing him" over it but I can't figure out how to get past it. I literally feel physical pain and heaviness on my chest when I think about it out talk about it. I feel like he's trying now more than any other time in the past but I'm struggling at times just as much as before. I feel like if I completely let go that I'll be the fool that it happened to twice. When it gets bad for me like this, it can be something so small as a movie, sometimes a name, driving through a city, someone's piercing, etc that immediately sends my mind into a tale spin. He doesn't/won't do counseling and just about refuses to talk about it. It's turns into a fight every time. Sometimes, I feel like I just need to deal with the cards given (suck it up buttercup) and other times I feel like I deserve the life I always dreamed of which he can't give me. We used to laugh and I felt loved which I'd love to get back but that was all fake. I feel like I fell in love with someone who doesn't exist

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    1. Struggling wife,
      Your letter is clear proof that what we resist persists, as the saying goes. It sounds as if you've never really worked through the pain of his betrayals. And his level of deception was undoubtedly traumatizing.
      Please find yourself a therapist who can help you work through all this pain. You're a strong woman and that's surely how you've been able to get past so much hurt. But it's still there, rearing its head when you're triggered. That's trauma that needs to be processed.
      I hope you'll make your own healing a priority. You don't deserve any of this. You were clear about your values when you met him and he deceived you. That's not your fault. But it's time to examine how to heal from such deception and to get clear on what you want and need going forward. You don't have to suck it up. You get to decide what "cards" you accept and which ones you don't. This is YOUR, life.

      Delete
  28. My husband only had a one night stand (that I know for sure, I have suspicions it's not the only one) 9 years ago. It literally broke my heart. He was emotionally and physically abusive to me at the time so I didn't feel strong enough to leave him even though he was also a drug addict who managed to get our house repossessed because the mortgage money was going on drugs. I phoned the police about a year after his one night stand because he was being violent with me, he got prosecuted and told to stay away from me. It was wonderful! I felt so free! But it didn't last long, he started creeping his way back in, he knew I wouldn't phone police coz I didn't want him to go to jail. And I soon realised while the kids were young I would never be free of him. But since I allowed him back I am so much stronger, he wouldn't dare hit me now! But he still does drugs and he stalks women online. I just behave as though he is a lodger. We don't have sex. I have asked him to leave numerous times- it is my house we're living in, but he refuses. I'm just waiting until my youngest goes off to university then I'll be gone too. I have hated him ever since he cheated on me all those years ago, I will never get over it or through it, I put up with so much crap and then he does that to me?!? Oh and we've never talked about it, I've never been allowed to ask questions, or even be angry about it because 'it's not fair' on him apparently!!
    Just a few more years living in hell and then I'm off

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Anonymous,
      I strongly urge you to get him out of your life now. You don't need to live like this. You're not doing your kids any favours by letting them see you disrespect yourself like this. And you're not doing your husband any favours by letting him off the hook for his behaviours. You felt FREE, remember. You don't have to wait years to get that feeling again. You can show him the door right now and free yourself and your kids of having to live with this (sorry) loser. Show them what self-respect looks like. Show them what boundaries look like. Please. Now.

      Delete
    2. Thanks for replying to me, I really thought people would think I was over reacting because I didn't include the worst bits- I find it too embarrassing. I'm glad you can see just from what I did write that he's a loser. But I can't leave- it's my house I pay the mortgage and all the bills; I'm basically his cash cow! I have asked him to leave numerous times but each time he refuses promising things will get better. Even though I tell him I no longer love him, don't like him, can't forgive or forget all he has done and that I'm no longer sexually attracted to him- it's like it doesn't matter to him, that he can somehow 'fix' it all, but of course he can't and he doesn't really try to either! So I have resigned myself to the fact I have to either wait until the kids have left because I will have no qualms about just leaving my home then or he meets someone else and leaves on his own accord- I pray for this everyday! I realise I am probably beyond help, I know how hopeless this situation is. I am constantly filled with anger and sadness but I hold it all in- If I said anything to him I'll just get a long monologue from him about 'what we need to do to make things better'! He is so delusional I wonder if he is mentally unwell? How can he really think this is ok when he knows how I feel plus the fact he obviously doesn't love me- he did say this once and I thought hallelujah we can finally start separation proceedings, but then he took it back and said he didn't mean it. I can't decide if he's a sociopath, narcissist, a lost little boy, or whether he does actually love me??

      Delete
  29. I found out my husband cheated on me 16 months ago, he began emailing this girl that worked in the same building he did when I was 6 months pregnant. He continued emailing her and seeing her during the day and before work as often as he could for nearly 3 years. She knew everything about my daughters birth she even sent gifts he claimed where from another co-worker. Believe it or not they never had sex they kissed a couple times but that's it she wouldn't have sex because he was with me. They had thousands of emails he told her he wanted her missed her desired her ect ect. He would go to bed late emailing her get up early to see her before work. The minute I found out he ended it but since that day I've felt like he took everything from me. I'm a miserable person I am not who I was before I discovered his emotional infidelity. I'm broken I feel worthless and ashamed and I don't know how to get past this. I know I'm depressed anxious and just not well but I don't know how to feel better. I stayed with him because he's a great dad and step dad he has dealt with me treating him poorly for all these months even when I try not to I am so bitter I can't stop. I don't know what to do but this feels like a mental hell.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Lislie,
      The craziest part of infidelity is that it's so often the betrayed partner that feels worthless and ashamed. I want you to know that you did NOTHING to make him cheat on you. You are worthy and loveable and do not deserve any of this pain. But YOU need to believe that. Please find yourself a therapist who can help you process the excruciating pain of betrayal. You do not need to live like this. Motherhood is tough enough without factoring in betrayal. You are not broken, though I know it feels that way. You are stronger than you know. There are thousands of women on this site willing to listen to you, to support you, to remind you that you can get through this and emerge whole and strong. But you need to take that first step. Read the posts on this site. And please, find yourself someone in real life who can guide you through healing.

      Delete
  30. My husband of 12 years cheated me, not the first time but 5 times that I know i caught it red handed.It seems he's a habitual cheater & a big liar too. he lies about everything. But the fact is, I cant get over him, I love him so very much. I can't take insults like this anymore when he's chatting even though he knows am awake at nights & still continues & when he's in office, he's almost online on whatsapp the whole day. What do I do? Please be realistic & don't advise something which is out of the world....I really want to know what do I do with my life....everything's dark out there.....

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Monalisa,
      What do you do? That depends on what you want. You cannot control his behaviour. He will stop only when he realizes that continuing to do what he's doing is going to cost him something he wants more. He will stop only if he's willing to get help for himself to understand how he's not only hurting you but also himself. He might never stop. The compulsion might be stronger than his desire to stop it.
      But you can control yourself and what you're willing to tolerate in this relationship. Only you can decide what that is. But let me assure you, nothing "out there" is as dark as the relationship you're in right now.

      Delete
  31. It has been just over a year since I stumbled upon text exchanges between my husband of 19 years and a co-worker who is 20 years younger than him. For two months, he continued to see her, but I was unaware. I had gained an excessive amount of weight and finding out he was with a 25 year old athlete just about wiped-out the last bit of self-esteem I had. Since that final d-day, he has done everything possible to make amends and show me that he is now faithful. (I have made a commitment to myself and lost 60 pounds.) Our marriage is actually better now than it ever was; we talk so much more, tell each other when something upsets us, spend much more time together, plan ahead and look forward to things, but I can't seem to let the affair go... I think about it all the time and cry all the time. I picture him with her. In my mind, I go through the texts I had seen, and I continue to put things together, having "aha" moments. I asked a lot of questions once I discovered the depth of his relationship with her, and I sooooo wish I had never asked them. Having the gory details is what I believe is keeping me from moving on. It's all just revisiting an awful past, but I can't stop for some reason. What do you do when the person you love the most in the world is also the source of your greatest unhappiness? What do you do when you look at them and are overcome with love and also with pain?

    I find myself, just as lots of these other ladies, feeling weak and silly for not ending our marriage over this, or at least taking a break. I told myself from the time I was young that I would never stay with an unfaithful spouse. I watched my mother devastated by the infidelity of two husbands. I still find myself giving thought to "taking a break". I don't know if this is how I truly feel, or if I am seeking some way to punish him. I feel like a terrible person sometimes, as I know he's going through his own version of hell (he always prided himself on his integrity), yet I find myself wishing he could experience the pain I am experiencing. I seem to go through this in a cycle of sorts, and just wish it would go away.

    I don't know if I'm just keeping myself from being happy, or if I, unfortunately, will never get "through" this completely.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Anonymous,
      I think it's both. I don't think any of us every truly gets over being cheated on. That doesn't mean it dogs us for the rest of our lives, rather that it becomes part of our lived experience. The world is simply different afterwards. But I would urge you, as part of "working on yourself", that you seek out a therapist to help you process this. Growing up with infidelity, using food to numb yourself, and then the kick in the teeth that is betrayal all need to be examined so that you can choose how you act going forward. There is absolutely no shame in choosing to stay in a marriage with someone you love, even when that someone has betrayed you. But it's wise to use that experience to help you create a healthier relationship with yourself and with your spouse. There's no "right" way through infidelity. But the wrong way is to expect ourselves to put it in the past and ignore the pain that's left.

      Delete
  32. In May I caught my husband having an affair with his co-worker. Our son was 5 weeks old and we also have a 3 year old daughter. I was suspicious for a long time, but didn't spend much time hunting around because I guess I'm just a trusting person and didn't want to put any credence into my suspicions. The affair began while I was pregnant. I woke up one night to take care of the baby and heard him on the phone with her. I sat on the stairs and listened to every word. It completely broke my heart.

    The affair began emotionally around December. I confronted him and asked him to stop contacting her because it was making me uncomfortable. This just lead him to sneaking around about it. Then in March he started sleeping with her and then I finally caught him in May. He would leave and take our daughter to daycare and then go over to her house - arriving late to his NEW job. He also went out with her one night when I was about 38 weeks pregnant. He didn't get home until 2:00 am after i had called him over 20 times and texted him about 15 times trying to find him. I could have been going into labor or had a serious problem - but he just ignored me!

    We have been to TONS of counseling, spent hours and hours talking and working really hard. I just don't know if even after all of that I'm okay. I have found myself completely booking my schedule up from morning to night, and I'm starting to think I might be doing that so I don't have to stop and think. Every time I stop to think I find myself angry, untrusting and honestly not that into him.

    I just don't know if time will heal this, or when I will even know that. I realize it's still early (it's been 5 months) but everything in our relationship is now carrying on as usual. We've only been together 5 years and I'm concerned that if he can do this to me so early in our relationship, it will happen again. He swears it won't, but I just don't know.

    He's been working a lot on himself. He is a super negative person by nature and pretty angry with life. He's also (I guess clearly!) self centered. He's working on those things very diligently and making huge strides! I feel like I had started to fall out of love with him before the affair because of these things and then after the affair was so freaked out that I was desperate to fix it. I'm starting to think maybe I stayed for the kids (especially because I had just given birth to our son) instead of for myself. I don't know though. I guess I'm still just so confused by the whole thing.... I hope one day this will all be clear.

    Has anyone else been through something similar?

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    1. Anonymous, Pretty much all of us have been through something similar. The details might be different but the feelings are pretty universal. It's really hard to rebuild a marriage after an affair. And you don't have to if that's not what you want. He cheated on you. He broke your heart. The timing of the affair is particularly painful and you've got a ton of pain to work through.
      You can choose to give it some time, you can choose to separate to give yourself some space. But please do give yourself the time and space to work through your feelings. They don't go away simply because you keep yourself too busy to notice them. They go underground and fester and get in the way of all sorts of healthy relationships and possibilities for joy.

      Delete
  33. It's been 2 years since I found out my husband cheated on me for the 4th time in 18 years. I've forgiven him. I had to be able to move on with my life. The problem is I haven't forgotten and I just can't. I can't get past this one. My husband gets mad because he said I apparently haven't forgiven him. He doesn't know my heart and basically it's between me and God. He kind of has nothing to do with that part. My husband is mad because we seem stuck because I can't move on. How do I do that? Who cheats on a relationship 4 times and still claims they want to be in it? Personally, I think it's because he doesn't want to deal with the embarrassment of it and the truth actually coming out of why we would get divorced. I can't get past the like of archived Facebook messages of old girlfriends he was trying to contact. He was that desperate to get away from me. And I'm just supposed to forget that and move on? I gave him everything and the best of me and it wasn't obviously enough for him. Yet, I'm the bad guy for "getting over it" and moving on. Am I the crazy one? Am I the horrible person for not just dealing with it and moving on? I can't be the bigger person right now! I'm so miserable I don't even know who I am anymore.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Sweetheart, you have been through hell FOUR FREAKING TIMES. And he's mad at YOU?????? Seriously??
      He is asking you to forgive his quadruple betrayal. And what is he doing to help you do that? What is he doing to deserve this second, third, fourth chance? Seriously...what is he doing? Is he going to therapy to figure out why he can't remain faithful? Is he supporting you as you work through the pain by promising you, over and over, that he will work hard every single day to show you that he will NEVER do this to you again? You don't need to be the bigger person. You were the bigger person by being faithful to your spouse. You will always be the bigger person because you're willing to forgive such pain.
      This is on him. He needs to step up and show you that he deserves you.

      Delete
  34. Hi , I have been with my husband for 17 years . He has cheated on me the whole time , for the first 14 years he had me beleiving I was crazy and would actually make me feel guilty for questioning him and thinking of him like that . I knew in my heart that he was unfaithful but wanted so bad to beleive him. It was three years ago he started traveling for work , he freaquented strip clubs and had girls numbers . From the club and from the hotels he would stay at . I has suspicion that he was involved with a staff at the hotel . I knew by the way he was acting and a strong gut feeling . Turned out I was right . He works for the rail road so they stay in a town for a few months a time but home every week end. He actually had affairs with 3 different staff at 3 different locations , not to mention he started staying at the lounge every night till close , 2 of the girls were front end supervisors and one the bar tender . Not including all the probably random women at the bars . He is 40 and acting like he is 20. I knew in my heart it was going on , he would delete numbers from his phone , delete all text messages and I stayed at home with our 4 kids every night crying as I knew what he was doing . I tried to better myself and get him to notice me and remember what he had . When he arrived home he was a different man . My feelings meant nothing to him , he was very mentally abusive through it all and physicall abusive .. I thought when he got home he would realize what he has done and seek help. Instead he acted the same way here. I don't know if I'm traumatized or not but I am consumed by the things he has done and said to me , I know I should be moving forward and not playing the victim , yet I'm shackled by my own thoughts and the realization that I just wasn't enough . That they meant more to him then his family .. I filed for divorse because I feel such extreme guilt for setting such a poor example for my kids . I know better than this . I realize the I need to be a role model for them so they have a higher standard of life. So that is what I'm doing . But it's killing me inside . He is moving out this weekend and I'm devistated , I know I filed for divorse , and I know it's best but it's eating me up inside . I don't really know what to do , I'm consumed with grief and hurt ..I feel I should be getting better but I'm not .. I feel overwhelmed and I can't think straight . I'm trying to be a good mother but I feel they deserve a mother who can function and show them happiness. I fear I will not make it out of this hell ... please help

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    1. You WILL make it out of this hell and I'm so proud of you for taking the steps to make your life better. It will hurt. It will hurt like hell. But you are doing the right thing. You are standing strong for yourself. Nobody deserves to be treated like you've been cheated. And his inability to see your worth is HIS failure, not yours. A diamond is still a diamond even when someone else only sees it as a stone.
      You have four kids who are watching you to see what it means to treat yourself with self-respect, to learn how to stand up for themselves. So you show them what it looks like.
      Cry when you need to but please know that this absolutely will get better. You've survived mental abuse and trauma for years. Find yourself a counsellor who can help you work through all this pain. You deserved NONE of it.

      Delete
  35. Thank you for this site, it's been like a friend who doesn't judge. I don't have any family support and I have lost my best friend because she can't support my decision to stay. No one knows about the affair,its lonely. It's been 20 months since I found out. I still struggle daily but not at such a deep level, it doesn't consume me like it used to. I find our biggest issue is how quickly I feel disconnected from him. We are able to reconnect but we have to go through the process quite often:
    #1 me expressing my issue (triggers, fears, thoughts, questions etc.)
    #2 him not being defensive and putting my feelings ahead of his
    #3 me allowing my wall to slowly lower
    #4 him slowly encouraging me
    #5 me crying
    #6 him holding me and wiping my tears
    Sometimes we don't follow the steps and it causes a huge divide. I would like to get to a place where I don't need to talk about it all the time but, for now, it's what needs to happen. If I hold it in, all hell breaks loose! He has COMPLETELY changed though his old defensive habits poke through every so often. He goes to a men's group which helps him understand himself.
    See it goes to show... I had stopped writing to head to the gym. Half way through the bootcamp, I was having the hardest time holding back the tears thinking of my husband dating another woman (the affair I mean) the happiness he felt, the eagerness to see her etc. Now I feel anxious about going home (he's there, I'm all sweaty, red faced) I'm sad and pissed...again. We made a deal that I would warn him (when possible) so he can prepare himself to be supportive. So here I am in the gym parking lot, half of me wanting to go home and pack my bags and the other half wanting to be held by my husband. It's such a tug of war. Thanks again for a way to allow me to vent.

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    1. Angie,
      Nope, no judgement. There is no right way through this, there's only what's right for you. I'm sorry your friend is more focussed on her discomfort around this than on your pain. Her response is, sadly, not uncommon. Your experience is triggering some deep anxiety in her. But that is not YOUR problem, it's hers. Nonetheless, I know it hurts. I experienced it too.
      It sounds as if you have a good plan in place. And though it might seem like you're not getting anywhere, I think you are. Each time your husband is able to support you in your pain, remind you that he's there and that he's doing everything he can to never hurt you like that again, then slowly, inch by inch, you're building a bridge of trust between you. It's hard to see the progress when you're in the midst of it. And you shouldn't hold back. It's crucial for you to process this grief and good for both of you that he is the one who's helping you.
      But when you start going down that rabbit hole of imagining the affair, it can help to have a plan to distract yourself. An elastic band on your wrist that you snap, a big stop sign that you picture in your head. Something to remind you that there's nothing to be gained to creating (and they are creations based on your imaginings) these mental movies in your head.
      It will get easier, I promise.

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  36. I have been married to my husband for 40 years. He had an affair with a woman 10 years younger than me back in 2006. They were caught out after a year. The OW and her husband divorced and myself and my husband decided to work on our marriage. We were ok for a couple of years after alot of talking and crying. Fast forward two years my husband hits me with the bombshell that he'd been seeing the same woman again for another 8 months. I hit the roof, rang the OW who delighted in telling me what a pathetic loser i was for believing that he was sorry the first time around. After a lot of soul searching and me feeling slightly better that my husband had confessed himself this time so must be truly sorry we moved forward again. So here we are 2016, a decade later and guess what i have just found out .... he's seeing the same woman again and has been for at least 12 months. He has no idea that i know and i'm beside myself. He must love her .... he must??. How could he do this to me again .... 3 times with the same woman. A decade of deceit. She's still single so it's not like i can take revenge and tell her husband or partner. Help ???

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    1. Anonymous,
      I'm not a huge advocate of "getting even" but, in this case, before you say anything to him about what you know, I would get to a lawyer and make sure you will get what you're entitled to. This is beyond the pale. Whether or not he's in love with her (keeping in mind, he's keeping her hidden in the shadows unable to truly depend on him) hardly matters. He has shown a longtime pattern of deceit and a refusal to be honest and decent to you. I can imagine how devastated you are. And this woman, given the glee with which she delights in your pain, hardly sounds like a prize. They deserve each other. Two self-centred toxic people incapable of behaving with decency and kindness.
      Forget revenge in the way your'e thinking about it. Get yourself out of this relationship, heal yourself and go on into a life surrounded by good healthy people. Watch the two of them stew in their own poison. That will be satisfying enough. Once they can actually have each other (there's some reason he hasn't left you for her), I suspect they'll discover it's not what they wanted at all. However...not your problem. You'll be living a far brighter future.

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  37. Speaking of still not over it. I'm PRETTY SURE that infidelity is the one get out of jail free card for killing your husband! Or at least it should be! Mine needs a speeding car to the ass right now.

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    1. A lot of them do. Should be an Uber service for that.

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  38. I have been married for 8 years and together for 16 years. September 2015 my husband told me he was done with our marriage after I questioned his behavior for the two weeks prior to him telling me he was done. Prior to that in our relationship he was always very loving and caring. He was a wonderful husband I had no complaints. He began to act different towards me very rude and would do things to cause a fight. The day I asked him what was going on he told me he was done with our marriage and this entire time he was pretending. I told him if he was done he would have to explain this to our two children and he did and left. I found a phone number on our iCloud account and it was another girls number. He denied there was ever anyone else. 11 days later he joined us as a family tonchurch and announced he was coming home as if he was some sort of hero saving the day. I had no choice but to allow him to come home as him leaving was very traumatic for our kids. Again I asked if there was anyone else he denied. For the rest of October and November 2015 he was still acting strange I didn't know what it was I chose to believe there wasn't anyone else. In December 2015 he began to come back to his old self I think by then I was over it. I decided to call the phone number I had found the first night he left from his phone and her name came up and she answered. She said she was married and was just a coworker and I was such an insecure woman no wonder he couldn't have friends. I confronted my husband and he admitted they were just "talking". He quit his job within 2 weeks. After that I started to look at our phone records and found the phone calls and texts. He talked with her for hours during those 11 days. After 6 months of dealing with the fact that my husband had an emotional affair he reached out to his old boss and congratulated her for her new job. I flipped out and called her and asked her what she knew about this OW and my husband. She told me the OW had no shame and was only too happy to discuss the details of their affair. During the 11 days he was out of our home he met with her while her husband was at work and they had sex. He claims it was only twice he had sex with her. I called her and she still denied it and said I was crazy. She still denies it, I want nothing more but to expose her to her husband. My husband and I have done counseling and he is doing everything he can including buying a new truck Bc I couldn't be in the same vehicle they had their fun in. I am consumed over this betrayal I feel like I had to go through this twice. My husband tells me he is so sorry every single day. I wish I didn't love him and I could walk away but then feel selfish because it would be at the expense of my family's happiness. I am completely broken.

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    1. Anonymous,
      I'm so sorry for the pain you're in. Your story sounds, sadly, very familiar. Is there a reason you're not exposing her to her husband? My personal feeling is that every spouse deserves to know who they're married to in order to make the choice of whether to stay. I think it's perfectly reasonable, as someone who knows all to well the pain of betrayal, to want him to have that same freedom -- to choose whether to stay or go. At the very least, he deserves to know that his wife's cheating exposes him to the potential of sexually transmitted diseases.
      I'm glad you and your husband are in counselling but I would urge you to also have a personal counsellor to help you heal from this. Betrayal is an incredibly deep wound and it takes a long time to heal. You need support as you're going through the pain.
      You also need support as you make the choice of whether you truly want to rebuild your marriage or whether you would prefer to move forward without him. You don't need to make that decision now -- you can take your time. But it helps to get clear on your feelings around this.
      Hang in there, anonymous. You will get through this.

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  39. I found out 1yr ago that my husband had an affair for 4yrs. We were married 8 at the time. The OW called me anonymously at work one day and within 6 months brought me all the evidence that I needed to prove it. She talked to me for 2 hours one day and told me everything from day 1. She was so intertwined in my life and how I didn't know is beyond me (talk about feeling stupid). She set up to meet with him so I could catch them and even when I did he still wasn't going to admit the depth of the affair until he knew that I already knew everything. We have two daughters that are young and I have tried staying but the more time passes the more I'm sure I can't forgive and forget. He made promises of change and therapy but so far has made no effort at therapy and I'm starting to see old habits slip back in. I do love my husband but I'm not sure if it's a deep as it once was. I keep thinking about the betrayal and deception such as creating state letters to explain weekend training out of town to spend with her, or buying her a car out of the insurance money when out house burnt down while I was pregnant with our 2nd child, or when our 2nd child was born she was in nicu bc she swallowed fluid and I had a c section and he spent three hours with the OW that day. She has been in every house and every bed we have had and even our vehicles. She has been around our children until they were big enough to pick up on it. And he swears there was never any emotion involved just sex. I am as confused about what to do today as I was the day I left him. We are still married at the moment but I just don't know anymore.....

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    1. Unknown,
      I'm not the least surprised that you don't know whether you want this marriage or this man. He betrayed you over years and isn't doing much to convince you that he'll do whatever it takes to be the man you deserved all along. He's asking you to give him another chance...and then he's squandering it by doing...not much of anything. What, exactly, does he plan to do to rebuild your marriage? How can you create a second marriage if he's not willing to examine why he blew up the first?
      His lack of effort speaks volumes to you and it's telling you that he's not willing to do the heavy lifting of making amends and facing the truth about himself and what he did.
      I suspect, that if he was making a bigger effort and you saw genuine change in him, you'd be able to feel some respect for that. But, as it stands, it's hard to respect someone who is asking you to do the most difficult thing -- trust someone who's shown himself to be untrustworthy -- without showing you why he deserves a second chance.
      I'd be inclined to lay down some really clear boundaries. Either he gets therapy and faces down his demons or you'll separate.

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  40. About 6 months ago I received a graphic text from someone about my spouse's infidelity. At first he denied it and then the next day he started a conversation by saying please just love me and forgive me. The text you got was right. I have been cheating on you. I was stunned silent, emotionally blank. He had been in a relationship with this ow for 3 years. Even during the pregnancy and birth of our miracle baby. Now we've been together for 16 years including high school. I was the quiet shy girl with image issues. He was popular and was never alone. I was so happy he chose me. I've since come to find out I'm empathic and he is a narcissist. I don't do anything I used to and have no friends outside of our marital group. I ended up committing emotional infidelity because he would ignore me as a young mom, first time doing anything on my own and he would be out playing or flirting. What I did was horrible. But he blames me for what he did. It's my fault. I'm not allowed to read the things I like, do anything that involves other people. All because he thinks I'm going to cheat on him. I take heavy anti depressants and still feel overwhelming despair and hatred. I can't even listen to music anymore. He expects me to move on and just be ok. I'm not my own personal anymore. I'm not allowed to be. Ever. As an empath it's overwhelming.

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    1. Angela, I'm glad you're coming to understand how unhealthy your marriage is and the impact he's having on you. You're not that high school girl anymore. You're a woman and a mom with agency. You want better for yourself and that's a good thing. You deserve better. I hope you'll continue to share your story here, to read the wisdom from so many other women who've been where you are and to find the strength to keep fighting for yourself. You did nothing to deserve this pain. And you don't need to put up with it.

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  41. Today is the day I found out. I can't breathe, I can't think, I don't know where to turn or what to say. The woman sent me a facebook message saying it was years ago but that he sent her a message recently and thinks telling me is the only way. In a way I am glad I know. He claims it was to say happy birthday and he hasn't seen her in years and that is lasted six months four years ago. I don't know what to believe. Crying and praying is all I can think to do. He says he will do anything to repair and has found us some counselors to check out. We have our problems but I thought we were a happy little family. I never want my little girls to know. I don't know if I can ever get past this moment. I am so glad I found this place to just type and vent. If you read this please pray for me and my family. Any advice is appreciated. I want my family to survive.

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    1. Anonymous, Every single one of us (and there are thousands and thousands on this site alone) has been exactly where you are. The incredible pain, the stomach knot, the difficulty breathing, the inability to eat, to sleep. The crying. The emptiness. We've all been there.
      But know this: You won't feel like this forever. The pain will dissipate. But you're going to feel like you're in hell for a while. So you MUST take care of yourself. Get support from family and friends if they're able, from a counsellor or therapist. Get as much sleep as you can. Eat what you can (smoothies or soup and toast were my go-to meals). But trust that you will get through this. Trust that your family can survive and can, in fact, grow stronger but it takes two partners willing to work like hell. The heavy lifting is for him because he's the one who made this horrible choice. I would urge him to seek help to figure out why he did -- and how he plans to ensure he never goes down that path again.
      When you begin to see the real changes in him, the ability to listen to you, to deal with issues as they arise rather than run from them, the willingness to hear your pain without shutting you down or defending himself...then you'll begin to feel safe again with him.
      Hang in there, Anonymous. You've got this. It's absolute hell, I know. Focus on your kids, find joy where you can.

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    2. I know how you feel my husband did the same I pray everything goes well for you I don't have any advice that's actually why I found this page in search of advice but I can tell you your not alone

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  42. I married my husband when we both were 40, my first, his second. I left Australia to move into his home (where he had lived with his wife), and where his 8 and 13 year old girls lived half time. I can't deny it was hard, having to fit myself into his life, which was unbendable and denied us any starting fresh as an "us". He didn't want me to have children and when I asked for a dog, he wouldn't allow that either, all the while, being the shining armor who would support me financially. He worked a lot and it was hard even to get him to do any recreation, and I found myself losing my own spirit. I've always been a bit of a wanderer, with lots of friends, a few close ones, but also a great comfort in doing things on my own. After 15 years he started having an affair with a 26 year old Cuban, who chose to share with me photos of them together and their conversations. He'd not come home many nights, saying he'd stay over at his hotel for meetings in the morning, and yet expect sex with me when he came back, knowing I knew he'd been with his affair. He'd say he'd left, and then I'd get her notes begging for him, saying our marriage was dysfunctional, and being angry at me that he couldn't talk to her when I was with him. I should have been able to say she was crazy and cruel, but instead it made me hate myself and believe there was something terribly wrong with me. It went on and off for over 2 years, and has supposedly been over for about 6 months. I just can't seem to shake it. Not the forgiveness part, that was easy as I blamed myself the entire time and wondered why he'd stayed with me. None of our friends know about it, as appearances are hugely important to him and everyone adores him, thinking he is one of the nicest men in existence, and he really is, he's deeply caring and takes on the world's problems like his own. His own family don't know and he's devastated that I reached out to my family back home for support. I find that I've just slipped into a deep depression that I am seeing a therapist for and taking medication, but I just can't shake this feeling of there being something wrong with me. I'm becoming isolated, and can't talk to anyone around me as they all know him. It's hard to get up in the morning, yet when we go away somewhere I find myself wanting to stay there and not come home. His daughters are both out of the home now and living away, so now we have no joy around the house. I'm tempted to go and see his ex wife, to help me understand why she left, that I'm not crazy, and just get some common cause. A part of me thinks I should leave him for his sake, so he doesn't have to be with me watching me be so unhappy. He wants to make me happy with things and outings, when all I really wanted was open emotions, romance, building a life, none of which he seems capable. I don't know what I expect by writing this, I'm just tired of being on the verge of tears all the time. If anyone can help, I'd be most happy.

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    1. Anonymous, You are in an abusive relationship. Imagine a friend telling you that her husband was openly cheating, demanding sex, controlling the household and refusing to include her as an equal partner. Would you think there was something wrong with her? Of course not. You would think there was something wrong with HIM. You would wonder why your friend was with someone who disrespected her so openly.
      I hope your therapist will help you see that you did NOTHING to deserve this sort of treatment. Your husband is a sick man who seems to derive pleasure out of humiliating you. You are wiser than you give yourself credit for. He can't offer you romance or time together because behind the money and the glamour, there's nothing there but a hollow man.
      You should leave for YOU, not for him. You should leave because you used to be a wanderer, with friends and an interesting life. You should leave because you still are that person until he well and truly convinces you that you don't deserve better. You should leave because he appears to have no ability or desire to become a better person, to create a marriage based on mutual respect and honesty and integrity. You should leave because nobody deserves to be cheated on and believe themselves deserving of such cruelty.
      Anonymous, you're on the verge of tears all the time because you've been betrayed by someone you were devoted to. You're responding to betrayal the way we all do, by grieving. Let yourself grieve. Spend time with your therapist getting clear on what YOU want from your life. And then trust that you have the strength and the wisdom to get it.
      Imagine what you would tell your friend if she was in your shoes. I suspect you would tell her to get out of such a destructive relationship. I hope you will do exactly that.

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  43. Unlike everyone I hadn't been married very long but the hurt is still very real for me my husband cheated on me for what I'm thinking is a year at least he won't tell me how long it lasted exactly the night before I found out he told me he loved me and I told him that I'm glad we're doing so well he promised me he wouldn't leave or cheat or anything like that well in the morning I woke up to a message from a stranger with pictures of him kissing another girl texts of sexual things things he told me before he lied saying they were old and deleted them but I saw my name in the texts saying how he would tell me he was going out with the guys some of the texts were even dated so that's how I got my timeline he would also look up girls and talk sexual with them over facebook it's been almost a year since we decided to make things work but I still wake up with nightmares still find it hard to trust on some days but we have a child toghter I love him and he's trying I don't know what to do he's trying and so am I but it's so hard to trust some days I need help I tried therapy but it didn't help I don't know what else to try

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    1. I'm so sorry for what you are feeling and I could tell you it will get better. I'm sure skmetimes it does and there are men that truly realize never to risk their family again for an affair and are strong enough to understand that you are mourning and will have a good days and your trust will have to be earned. I truly hope you get past the storm and find true happiness at the end of it all. I still believe true love exists and is worth fighting for.

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    2. Anonymous, Your boyfriend is showing you who he is -- someone who will cheat on you, lie to you about it, tell everyone he's going to lie to you about it and the wonder why you're not over it. Unless you want this to be your life, I would RUN not walk as far away from this guy as possible. As my daughter says, "stay away from people who make you think you're hard to love".

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  44. So hard to put this on paper and realize what my marriage has been. Of course there have been great moments I have three kids that are my greatest treasure. However, sometimes I feel the pain has overshadow some of my happiness. I have been with him for 12 years. The first affair was 4 years into our marriage it was online where he was chatting, texting, and calling with at least 2 other women while I had given birth to my 2nd child who was born premature and was at the NICU at the time. Second affair was with a coworker 2 years later with whom he moved in for 4 months and during this time I filed for divorce and got the divorce finalized. We were separated for 8 months total. I took him back because through all this of course he begged to be back, promised to change and that I was the love of his life and our children and our family were the most important thing for him. 10 months into our reconciliation I found out about the 3rd affair with my own aunt. This estranged my mother from her own sister. He has always been there if I need any support in my family emergencies, unemployment periods, or when I need car or home repairs but he has caused so much pain to our family with his infidelities. I took him vavk 14 monyh later after his affair with my aunt. The last infidelity I suspected has been going on for at least 3 years with a coworker who is also married and I finally corroborated this last affair on 12/10/2016 when I found two Disneyland tickets in his pocket one with her name and the other one with his name for the week that he claimed he was in business travel. Of course, he denies it and tells me that they went for work to Disneyland as a reward but he didn't want to tell me because he knows I would be thinking it was something else. We were going to spend Christmas as a family in Disneyland but obviously this just ruined our plans. Of course, God works in mysterous ways and in a way it is good we didn't go to Disneyland because my mother unexpectedly passed away 12/23/2016 and if we would have gone to Disneyland I would not have been here. Of course, he has been very supportive emotionally and financially due to my mother passing but he doesn't realize that doesn't erase what he has done. I'm in great pain for my mother but his stupidity throughout our marriage doesn't help. I think I have reached the end of my rope and will leave him as soon as I save enough money to move out. Another good thing about our reconciliation is that we had our third child who is almost 2 years old and a blessing. Any comments and advice will be greatly appreciated. I'm at a cross roads and wish that for once he would be brave enough to admit to all of his affairs and really face the truth of who he is so maybe someday he can truly change not because of me but because of our children. He is a good involved father who also provides for them financially but as a husband I truly believe he is no longer worth it. I don't even know if I truly love him anymore.

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    1. Anonymous,
      Your idea of coming up with enough money to leave is a good one but I would you to try and find alternative arrangements in the meantime. I fear that, with time, this guy will talk you into taking him back like he has before. He is showing you who he is. And he is someone who will break your heart, over and over. And if he thinks that cheating on you isn't also disrespecting your children, then he's a fool. He's cheating his whole family out of a decent, respectful husband and father.
      You need to get away from this guy. Please find yourself a counsellor who can support you as you emotionally prepare to walk away and stay away. This is emotional abuse and it's likely gone on so long that you see it as normal. It's not. It's cruel. It's abuse.

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  45. Oh Anonymous, I am so sorry for your pain. Are you going to MC/IC? I have learned the hard way we can NOT do this on our own. That's how I ended up with Dday #2 (2015 cyber affair ) and #3 (2005-200? physical/emotional affair discovered in 2016). I tried to get through Dday #1 (2002) without help (there was no sex yet and I believed him when he said he would never do anything like that again). I love my CH, but I am not sure I can ever "get over it". One day I will either have forgiveness in my heart or I will be in attorney's office and that crossroad is completely dependent on what I see (not hear) from my CH.

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    1. It is hard to be going through this but as you say I'm strongly considering counseling so I can go through this. My husband doesn't believe in counseling and when we tried it after his first affair I felt that the counselor was excusing his behavior since she said men tend to deal with stress sometimes by having affairs and since our son was 2 months in the NICU that was his way of dealing with this. I'm going to be honest and say I haven't truly trusted him since that first affair and as you I hope to someday fully forgive and hopefully trust him again or have the strength to really move on. He has never admitted to any of his affairs even when confronted with proof and in away I feel that if you never accept your mistakes how can you really overcome them. I truly hope that you also find your way soon and a resolution. It has taken me years to realize but I truly believe we deserved to be happy and treated with respect and love. We deserve to know that the person that we love can be trusted with our hearts. Best of wishes Browneyed girl.

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    2. Anonymous, I'm always suspicious of people who don't "believe" in counselling. I think the truth is that they don't "believe" in being held accountable for their actions.
      Your first counsellor might not have been so much "excusing" his behaviour as trying to make it clear to you that he didn't cheat because of you or anything you did or didn't do. He cheated because HE can't handle stress or uncomfortable feelings. That's not an excuse. That doesn't mean he's off the hook. It simply means that his cheating wasn't YOUR fault, it was his. Don't be afraid to challenge any counsellor who's saying things you don't agree with just to be sure you understand each other.

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    3. Thanks Anonymous. We had a bit of a breakthrough last night. I cried and he held me and said he couldn't stand to see me in so much pain and that he is so sorry and my pain is all his fault. So a good step toward accountability. But I cried all evening and as we sniggled in bed he got teary and said he was sorry again. I asked how he could plan so far in advance to have sex with her knowing this is how I would react and he said he didn't think I would take it so hard because he didn't think I loved him then. Seriously? The woman who you knew for SO long. The woman you know is all about family and generous and kind and forgiving. True, I probably wasn't "in love" with him then, he was hard to love with all his anger and addiction, but I did love him and was committed. I was 8 mos. pregnant with his 2nd child. Working my ass off in a high profile high stress job to pay OUR bills. Cooking him dinner every night. I was sometimes dismissive of him but never mean or angry or vengeful. We went on dates and had sex more frequently than any of our married friends. All our family photos from that time and are happy and smiling. Even if he wasn't 'in love with me' how could he intentionally disrespect me so much? The girl he fell in love with and married, the mother of his children. Just because you think someone doesn't love you doesn't mean you won't crush their spirit forever. Oh how I long to have the happily ever after story where one man honors me for life. I will never have that. Whether we repair or separate I will never have that. I think I am mourning that ideal because that's what I have given him and I thought he was the man I could trust. I want a husband who knows my heart. I'm coming to think he doesn't even know his own. So much grieving & tears.

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    4. Completely understand sometimes it's so hard to understand how could the one you have your heart to hurt you so bad. Through all these years sometimes I hurt too thinking of the girl I used to be the one that believed in the happily ever after and he has crushed with all his lies and deception. I know that fairy tales don't truly exist and perfection is not what I wanted but I do think we deserve love, respect, trust all of those things that should make you feel safe in a relationship. I continue to struggle with the pain of his multiple betrayals but as I go through it I realize I don't want this anymore. I hope that God will lead you through these tough times and lead the way to the happy life you deserve. Hang in there as they what doesn't kill us makes us stronger.

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  46. My husband and I have been together 25 years, married for 23 of them. We three children. I found out in July that he had been having an affair for about 2 months. I believe it is the first one. He acted so differently. Weird things started happening. The first was a planned poker night with the guys. He hadn't done anything like that in a long time and he kept telling me he was bored so I was ok with it. But, he kept acting so weird and excited about it. On the day of, I got a funny feeling and begged him not to go (this was planned to be an over-nighter). He went any way and turned his cell phone off. I couldn't reach him all night. The day before this, someone texted me that I better be careful.....I just thought someone had the wrong number. I texted it back, but didn't get a response. A week or so later, he decided he wanted to set up a facebook page. He hated computers, etc., so this was strange, too. I ended up finding messages and a texts about the overnight. Turns out he stayed with a woman in a hotel room just a few miles from home. She was also posting relationship statuses and love notes (not using his name). I confronted him. He didn't deny anything and even admitted going to her house on two other occcassions to have sex. He said she was just for sex. We were still sexually active at the time. He moved out in the next week. The very next day he was with her and she has been at his apartment almost every day since. It's been six months. We've talked about reconciliation, but every time I think we've made progress, she turns up at his apartment. During one of those times, she stayed away for 5 weeks. I have filed for divorce, but I am so sad. I can't seem to get through it. There are more details I've not put on here; just needed a sounding board.

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  47. My husband and I just celebrated one year of marriage. We had dated 7 years before marriage and we are super close and really good friends.

    Nine months into our marriage, he came home drunk at 1am and past out on the bed. He had told me during the evening that his boss was in town and he was taking all the guys out for drinks after work so I expected him to be home late. When I saw the state he was in when he got home, I knew something was not right.

    Anyway, long story short.... He was cheating on my with a coworker for a few months. I confronted him the first time he said they were just friends. In October I found some more incriminating texts and he confessed and said he would break it off. I still wasn't trusting him so I put a spy software on his phone where I saw the calls he received and was able to read his all his texts. I confronted him again but this time I was hysterical and starting packing things and told him I was leaving. He begged me to stay and said he loved me not her and that she meant nothing to him. I told him we had to see a counselor. We saw the counselor once and the session was very helpful but unfortunately, we have had some medical expenses come up and couldn't afford to go any more.

    Anyway, he's been good now for two months but last night he had car problems (which I know he has because we have spent hundreds the last several months trying to repair) and one of his coworkers was going to help him after work since he's good with cars. Long story short, he said he was spending the night at the office. I offered to pick him up (1 hour away) he said he was really tired (it was 10pm at this point) and was just going to grab a sleeping bag he had in the car. I could NOT fall asleep last night.

    Today after he came home, car fixed, I found some texts between another girl that owns a sewing studio in the same building. Shortly after the affair months, I had picked him up from work and this girl was coming out of the building and he mentioned that she was a weird girl. And I even made a comment like "good, she better be!"

    The texts are innocent but it looks like they have been having lunch together for a few days the past couple weeks. And I found a receipt for a bar the night he stayed at the office 2 coronas and 4 Jim Fires. Seems like drinks for 2 to me.

    He knows I'm very hurt from the last affair but I don't understand why he would be hanging out with this new girl, if he respected me. One of our agreements was that he would never be alone with a girl even in public. I can't say he was with her two nights ago at the bar but for sure he has been having lunch with her. I just don't know what to do! Do I stay quiet or confront him? I'm so over this pain I feel inside. I've been wanting to have a baby but I have been terrified thinking he would cheat on me again and then we would have a child stuck in the middle. So here I am again, crushed, numb, feeling like my heart can't handle any more hurt. Ugh, what do I do??

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    1. Anonymous, I'm so sorry for what your husband is putting you through. What has he done to rebuild trust with you? You tell me he's saying some says but what is he DOING? When you told him you'd pick him up after car trouble, did you tell him that you felt uncomfortable with him not coming home? This isn't, of course, your responsibility to rebuild your marriage. But it is your responsibility to yourself to always be honest about what you need and what you want from him. Right now, you need honesty from him and total transparency. If he had agreed to never be alone with another women and he's having lunch or drinks or whatever with this girl, then he has violated that agreement. It doesn't matter how you found out so don't let him make that an issue. He's violating an agreement you two had.
      I understand the desire to not bring about any more pain but isn't it better to know exactly what you're dealing with? And I suspect you're dealing with someone who's betraying you, whether physically or emotionally. He is not being honest with you. And that's a HUGE problem.
      So...what do you do? Well, is this a deal-breaker? Do you want him out? Do you want him on the couch? Do you want to leave? Don't worry about a week from now or next year. What do you want right now? I would urge you to start seeing that therapist on your own. If he can afford lunch with other people, he can afford to cover your therapy bills. But burying your head in the sand to avoid more pain isn't the answer.

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    2. You're right. It is a big problem. And Yes I did tell him I wanted him home. I got out of bed the night I read the texts and slept on the couch. He noticed I was gone and came to ask me what was wrong. I could tell on his face he knew I had seen something.
      He straight up said, "I know what you saw and I'm sorry. I know you may not believe me, but there's nothing romantic going on. I'm not interested in her. She has a boyfriend and we only had lunch together two times and for drinks that one time. I got too drunk to drive and I was embarrassed so I didn't want you to pick me up and see me. I slept at the office." He went on to say, "I'm really sorry, I know I should have gone to lunch or have drinks with her but I don't know why I do these things. I want to do good but I end up doing the opposite. You are so caring and loving towards me and I turn around and treat you as if I don't care about you which is far from the truth. I can't imagine my life without you. At this point, I can't stand seeing you hurt but I don't k ow how to stop myself. I understand if you want to leave me, I have shown nothing to prove that I'm worth staying for. I feel I can't ask you for another chance because I have broken your trust way too many times."
      I was speechless. I don't know what to do. I know that he DOES love me. And I love him deeply too. I just don't know how to fix it. I will try to get a counselor for myself but I don't know what to ask from him to prove to me he's worth fighting for.

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    3. You're right. He's not being honest. I did tell him that night I wanted him home and that I was uncomfortable that he was not coming home.
      The night I posted here, I got up from bed and went to sleep on the couch. I just needed some time alone. He noticed I was gone and came to ask what was wrong. I could tell on his face he knew what I had seen.
      So he confessed right then and there without me saying anything. He said "I know what you saw, and I'm sorry. I know you may not believe me but its not romantic. We had lunch two times and drinks that night. I got too drunk to drive home and I didn't want you to come pick me up because I was too embarrassed for you to see that way so I slept in the office."
      He went on to say, "I don't know what to do. I feel like I just keep doing things I don't want to do. I love you so much yet I keep messing up and acting as if I don't. You are so caring and loving towards me and I cause you pain. I can't imagine my life without you. But I know I've caused you too much pain. I understand if you want to leave me. I feel like I've messed up too many to be worthy of you."
      I don't know what to do. I know he loves me and I love him deeply. I do believe him and I don't want to give up on our marriage. I just don't know how to keep him accountable.
      He did say to me, "I can't imagine how you alone must feel, not being able to talk to your mom or your friends. I'm sorry."
      So I think I will try to see a therapist for myself. It's really hard to keep it all in.

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  48. Hurt too many times,
    If he wants to become the man you deserve he will go to MC and IC with you. Insist on it. If he won't, you need to consider separating and hold off on introducing children into the marriage until you are certain HE has done the introspection and hard work of understanding what allows him to betray you so easily. If he won't do the work it is very likely to happen again. Glad you are going to IC and put your healing first.

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  49. I am glad I found this site and can relate 100% in one way or another to the same emotional feelings, thoughts and pain . It feels nice to know that I am not alone and that although all this makes me crazy, I am not crazy. My husband and I have been together for 8.5 yrs and married 7 yrs now. Went through 3 deployments together. Have two small children and on his third deployment had an affair with a Japanese woman he met at a volunteer group on base. Half way into this deployment I was blessed to afford a trip and take vacation from my business to travel 24hrs with our two kids to go see him. I met the woman and got a bad vibe. I told him I didn't approve of the contact with her and he was to no longer talk or see her. He said ok although nothing more than a friendship was happening and assured me I had nothing to worry about. Two weeks before he heads back home the lines were crossed which resulted in two sexual encounters. One unplanned and the other planned. Long story short I discovered it a day after he got back and that day he came clean before I was able to confront him. He has been doing the work with spiritual counseling and comes with me to see my counselor too. I am trying to forgive and want to move on with my life, but each day has its struggles. I have questioned my appearance , the way I do things and even my very self in general. I've also have been shopping online for new clothes , going to the gym and skin care spa appointments. And although I know that there are benefits to my new activities I wish I didn't always have to feel that I need to Always be on point! I pray that one day I will find balance again and bring a sense of peace again.

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  50. We were married for 19 years when I found out. He said that he had been having "happy endings" for a year, there were also two women in a bar that he kissed, and finally, an affair with a woman he met during his business travels. I married the love of my life and we raised two kids. One is in college and one is a junior in high school. It has been 5 years. 5 years!!! I am not over this. Are there people who don't get over it? He has done "everything right" since then. We have both been in individual counseling and couples counseling. I don't think he will do it again and yet...I don't feel comfortable and safe with him. I have no reason to believe he has done anything since or will in the future. Its just that I don't feel I can move on. Not in a way that feels like an intimate committed relationship. We are kind to one another. But I am always holding back. I feel like you have one chance with me. I give my heart and soul and once that is ruined, you've put the nail in the coffin. I don't want to be that person, but no matter how much I logically try to see it, I can't feel it. It's all good on paper, but not in my heart. Should I stay and keep hoping that it will get better or realize that after 5 years, it probably won't and just call it quits for both our sakes. So lost and confused....still.

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    1. Anonymous, Yes, I do think there are some people who don't "get over" it. But what you're describing sounds more like someone who's dealing with PTSD (lack of safety, hyper vigilance, irrational fear of event happening again) than someone who simply can't or doesn't want to move past what happened. PTSD is quite common among women who've been cheated on. And it's treatable. Consider speaking with a professional who deals with trauma and see if that might help.
      Or examine your feelings more closely. Sometimes the feelings that we want in an intimate relationship (trust, respect, pleasure) just don't come back and we can't make them come back. In which case, it's better to cut ties and dissolve the marriage. But see if you can discern which it is -- a desire to live without him or a desire to eliminate the feeling of being unsafe in your marriage.

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  51. My husband and I have been together 7 years, married for 4 years.. In the first 2 years before we were married and had babies I cheated on him, I could give you a million reason why it happened and explain the situation but in the end it is what it is. I cheated and I lied. Well almost a year ago this month he found out. He had a six sense that something was off and pressured and pressured me till I finally cracked and told him, I took my time giving him all the details because I knew it wouldn't go well based off his personality and I was right. He hit me a few times, called me every name under the sun and left our home twice. I begged and pleaded and allowed him to yell at me and spent many days and nights trying to apologize and explain. He threatened divorce on daily basis for awhile. He also cheated on me with three separate ppl and told anyone who would listen about what I had done and with some detail. Well after threatening to kill himself a few months back he decided he wanted back in the house. I told him I wasn't ready. He got extremely upset with me and every time I thougth we started making some ground he would reverse and start the I hate you and we are getting divorced song again. Well he tok a firm stand a month ago after a very long weekend and made me give him his key back so he could move in. Since then its been an up and down roller coaster. I have been told to get on board or get out. I love my husband, but I don't believe im in love with him anymore. We have two kids together and he has been my oldest child as well. Part of me feels like we could both be happier apart but at the same time Im afraid to give up for fear im just being silly and I should just get on board. We had other issues before all this but I had always chosen to muster through them because we were married. I didn't get married to get divorced but with everything that has happened I just think all the feelings I refused to feel before I feel now times 10. Am I crazy, it was my wrongs that started this horrible cycle, should I just get over it already?

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    1. Update: So he sent me an email the other day explaining he had things to get off his chest. One was he had never cheated on me....He only told me he did to hurt me. This is the second time he has told me cheated and then backed out of it. The first time he told me he cheated on me twice while I was pregnant with our now 5 year. Then he said that was a lie. The he turned around and said he cheated on me with 3 ppl and now says it never happened.
      #2 a few months ago he took a few pairs of my underwear from the house while he wasn't living there and had them tested for semen. I have not been with anyone but him in 6 1/2 years. Well the test came back saying I had. I told him it was complete crap because I had not been with anyone else. Well he stills believes the test.
      #3 he apparently also believes our children are not his. He says he has been carriing around a Dna kit with both of our kids samples in it to send off.
      #4 he wants me to dig deep and share anything else I could be holding back. So we can deal with it. I have nothing else to hide.

      Then the night before last as we are laying in bed im watching tv he is reading he gets upset with me and starts in me keeping secrets. I told him I had no more secrets. I told him I am not and have not been with anyone else since I told him I had. Then he got upset with me saying he hates that I can remember certain things but not things he wants me to. The problem with this is that I have answered every question he has asked over and over again. I told him the truth and told him when he was wrong with assumptions he had. I have apologized over and over again and I begged for him to forgive me for months. After being called a whore and slut and worthless for so many months I have lost my give a damn. I hate how depressed he has made me feel. I stood there day after day letting him tear me down because I believed I deserved it. I hurt him horribly and I can never undo what I did. It will haunt me forever, but in the same hand I worked hard to try and move forward and asked him to stay both times he left the house. Now I feel pressured to just move past the emotional roller coaster he put me on or destroy my family because I cant move on when he says he is. How can I believe he is moving on when he clearly still doesn't believe me. He checks my phone records daily to see how many times I text my co-worker. I have shown him my phone to prove it is all work related as we work in sales. He gets upset if I don't talk to him enough during the day and doesn't understand why I don't talk on my cell while at work. I have done every I can to be transparent and honest but all he sees is that I'm not moving fast enough and not meeting the mark. I know I'm probably in the wrong group asking ppl who have been in his shoes to give me advice but please am I being stubborn should I put my hurt away and just get over it?

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    2. No. You should not put your hurt away and just get over it. You should file for divorce. This man is abusive. Yes, you cheated. You lied. And while nobody is going to reward you for doing so, his reaction to that -- to physically and emotionally abuse you is just wrong. He clearly has issues that go WAY beyond your cheating.
      Please, show him the door. And then please also get yourself into some sort of counselling so that you can deal with your own issues -- understand why you cheated and understand what makes you think you have to put up with such abuse from your husband. You do not. You do not deserve abuse. Please don't put up with it. Your children are watching you to see what it means to be a wife and a husband. This is NOT what you want to teach them. Show them instead a woman with self-respect and the dignity to refuse to allow this.
      And please keep us posted on how you're doing. We're rooting for you.

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  52. Update #2 Thank you for not judging me. Im still struggling with everthing, just yesterday he asked again to see my phone. I unlocked it and gave it to him. While doing so tho I accidently pushed a button, well it brought up a screen I hadn't seen before and when I tried to look he yackd it away and accused me of deleting things. I didn't delete anything, honestly. So we get past that after a few minutes. Well he got past it, I was upset for awhile and decided to just clean the house. He offered to stay home with our kids while they were napping so I could go run errands. I told him it was ok he could go to the gym first and I would go after he got back. He decided he wanted to talk and asked what was bothering me I didn't want to talk and said nothing. Well he pushed and finally I told him that I was mad at him for accusing me of lying when I was not. Well fast forward and the conversation goes its usual way where he reminds me of what I did again. Telling me that he knew I had been texting my co-worker on Friday and I had honestly told him he wasn't at work but it was all about work. He told me that he needed validation, so he looked through my phone to get it. Then he went on to tell me how he didn't cheat on me and I told him that I saw his email as I had not responded to it before yesterday. I told him he was hypocrite and then he brought up the DNA test. He is convinced our 5 year old is not his. I have asked everyone that knows our situation who they think our kids look like and up till now everyone thought they looked like him. They are just starting to look like me. He makes me feel like shit because of what I have done. He does make efforts I can see it but every time there is any sort of fight he is quick to remind me of what I have done. We can be sitting quietly and he will bring up my phone calls or text from that day or week. Its like a constant shadow hovering over me that I can never escape. And now that he has told me he never cheated im the only one in the wrong here. I feel like a horrible person already and now I feel like im destroying my kids lives knowing that I will most likely be taking them away from the house they call home and putting them in an apartment away from their dad and most of everything started because of me.

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    1. Part 3......So the other day my car was having issues so I told my husband I was going to take it to my brother and borrow my moms car. So the next day I did just that, however on the way to the auto parts store and I told my supervisor at work that I would be late because I was dropping my car off. He offered to give me a ride to work because I didn't tell him I already had a ride worked out, so I said no thank you and went on my way. My husband has been searching my phone records on a daily basis so he saw I text my boss and asked me what he said. I told him and from there he started telling me I would start cheating again and that he doesn't trust me ect ect... That night I came home and he wasn't home, I asked him where he was and got no response. He came home stumbling drunk and past out immediately, in fact he got up in the middle of the night to throw his guts up. Well I happened to making the bed and saw the box of condoms we use and decided to count what was left, well I count 8, this morning I looked again and there are only 5....Where did the other 3 go? So I looked into his account and saw a message where he told his friend he messaged some girl and how the other night he went to a strip club. He keeps telling me all our problems are my fault because I haven't just moved past the incredible amount of verbal abuse he put on top of me the last year. Yes he is right to a degree this all started because of me...but I feel like I have been suffering some form of ptsd from his response to finding out everything regardless of how long ago it was. He keeps telling me that he wants this work but he keeps lying and playing games with my head.

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  53. My husband and I have been together for five years. We recently got married this past December in a beautiful ceremony. These past couple of weeks we have been fighting over stress. However, I thought everything was fine because we could overcome anything. I went overseas two weeks ago for a small study abroad trip and we talked daily with messages and phone calls. Three days before I got back he started acting weird and wouldn't respond to my messages. Well the day after I got back I confronted him about his behavior and this is when he told me about the OW. He told me that he loved me but he had strong feelings for this OW as well. He feels like we have been drifting a part and that the marriage was rushed. In that moment my whole world came crashing down. Right now, I would say we are in this limbo place because we haven't figured out our next move. I want to work it out and get through this together but I feel like he stills feels connected to this OW. I really don't know what to do or how to handle the situation. I can't turn to anyone because if we work this out I don't want my family and friends to hate him for the rest of our lives. Please help.

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  54. I've been with my husband for 17 yeas. It's been 2 years since his affair but 10 months since he admitted it to me. He's doing what he can to repair the damage but he just wants me to move on and get over it. I have PTSD from this affair and deal with triggers and flashbacks. He says they are my issues that I need to deal with and it's about me dealing with it. It's not a we thing, it's a me thing. I think it is definitely a we thing. How do you overcome ptsd that was caused by the affair?

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    1. Anonymous,
      I'm sorry but I need to side with your husband on this thing. PTSD (or post-infidelity stress disorder -- it's really a thing) isn't a rational thing. It's essentially a misfiling of the traumatic experience in your memories so that it feels immediate rather than in the past. In order to heal from it, you need someone to help you "refile" that memory so that it doesn't have that same sense of immediacy and re-trauma.
      EMDR is a bizarrely effective treatment. It seems like woo-hoo stuff but it works and has plenty of clinical trials and peer-reviewed science to back it up. See if you can find an EMDR specialist in your area.
      That doesn't mean your husband can't support you. He absolutely should. And it doesn't mean that he gets to outsource your healing to someone else while he moves forward without ever addressing what he did. He needs to be able to listen to you when you need to talk. He needs to be able to reassure you as often as you need it. Healing from betrayal is a long, exhausting road and he's the one who put you on it.
      I hope you'll seek help. I was in the same situation as you after years of trying to move past the pain and EMDR was a lifesaver. It usually only requires two or three sessions. But worth the time and money.

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  55. I found out six weeks ago that my Husband of almost 24 years decided to take his wedding ring off at work two years ago in order to flirt at work(he is an Exercise Pysiologist at a Gym);the catalyst was a very attractive woman coming up to him and flirting with him and asking him if he was on facebook.So he set up a facebook account deliberately omitting that he was married and started liking and commenting on her sexy pictures and flirted with her when she came to his work twice a week and also openly told her on facebook that her butt looks great and that "he hates to see her go but loves to watch her leave", how "very nice" her breats are etc. I'm not on facebook and I just happened upon a comment he made to her on his feed a couple of months ago and investigated further.This first betrayal was just one of many over the last two years.He flirted with another very attractive girl and tried to 'friend' her on facebook.He flirts with a colleague at work and tells her how 'hot' she is in her sexy facebook pictures and has also made the comment how 'lucky'he is to work with her under a photo of her with her breasts spilling out of a bikini top. He tells women who come into his work how nice their tops are with their breasts spilling out of them. He banters with his male clients how hot someone's 'tits' are or how great and 'tight' their butt are.
    My Husband has never been remotely anything like this and it was so totally off my radar that he could ever be capable of making one innappropriate remark. He has been so trustworthy and honourable all our lives. I've been with him for 27 years.We have 4 children,the youngest was two years old when he started this betrayal.
    This has come right out of left field,I can't believe this is happening,I truly trusted him and believed in him with all my heart and soul.This is so unbelievably out of character for him.
    I am in the most intense constant pain.I can barely sleep or eat.He is so remorseful after I discovered his betrayals.He is totally disgusted with himself and tortured for what he is putting me through.He thought what I didn't know wouldn't hurt me and the line in his mind was to not have a physical affair.
    I thought we had a beautiful love that was so very special and a precious family that we went through so much together to conceive.
    I feel totally bereft and heartbroken.
    Thanks for reading this long post.X
    Any advice would be most welcome.
    I love him so very much but feel he disrespected me,betrayed me and trashed our wedding vows when he decided to take his Wedding ring off so that he could act single at work and flirt to feed his ego.

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    1. Anonymous,
      Those things -- that you love him and that he disrespected, betrayed you and trashed your wedding vows -- are not mutually exclusive. They are all true.
      And therein lies your work. To reconcile that a man you loved and trusted was capable of doing all those things and still be a man you love. You are under no obligation to stay with him, of course. As we often say on this site, there is no "right" response to betrayal. You get to decide whether to give him the second chance he wants.
      But, if you do decide to stay (or simply don't have the energy to leave, which was the case with me), you also get to set the terms of reconciliation. It sounds as if he's willing to go along with that. And part of that is him doing the work of figuring out just what the hell he was thinking. He clearly didn't anticipate paying for his flirtations with his marriage or his family. He didn't want to lose that. So, then, why? What was going on in his head that made what he was doing okay? Those are things HE needs to figure out.
      You need to focus on you. You need support and compassion as you work through the pain of his betrayal. There are no shortcuts. There is no way to undo what he's done. And I know you likely can't imagine ever feeling okay again but I promise you that you will. The day will come when this is a bad memory, a lousy chapter in your life together (assuming he smartens up and doesn't do it again).
      Part of working through the pain is recognizing that his behaviour doesn't mean he didn't love you. He doesn't mean that you didn't have something special. People make mistakes. And part of this is accepting that someone you loved, someone you thought would never make THAT mistake, did make it. He screwed up. Big.
      Give yourself time to figure out what's next for you. But insist that he seek therapy for his own issues. And I hope you'll also find a therapist to support you as you work through this. You're, of course, welcome to post here. There are so many wonderful, warm, wise soul warriors here who know your pain. We've been there. And we can guide you along.

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  56. To be honest, I feel really crazy and unstable. I feel weird that I'm sharing my story with a bunch of strangers. But I can't open up to anyone and I'm private with these sorts of things. 8 months ago I found out my boyfriend cheated on me during our entire 5 year relationship with at least 7 different women. Some were quick flings and some lasted over a year. He also abused me emotionally by making me feel like I wasn't good enough for him and I was the only lucky one in the relationship. His ego was the size of the titanic and he never missed a chance to keep me under his thumb. But here is the part you all won't like. I cheated on him too. Not that it makes it right, but it was the last few months of our broken relationship, he kept threatening to leave me, and he moved me into his friends house hours away and would only visit me every other weekend. Yes I cheated on him with his friend. When I told him what I did and that I didn't want to be with him anymore he finally confessed out of anger. At that point it was over. A few days later he sung the tune they a sing. I can't live without you. I didn't realize until I thought I was going to lose you. I've been making plans for us. Money doesn't mean anything without anyone to share it with. He didn't eat or sleep for days. He gave me money. Paid for me to go on a trip with a girlfriend. Did a public apology in front of my family and close friends. Gave me a ring. And most importantly forgave me for what I did. He helps around th house, pays most of the bills. Doesn't force me too cook. Doesn't force me to work a job I hate and allows me to grow my small business. He stops calling me a bitch and respects me. He supports me. He takes me out when he's tired. He's pretty fucking amazing now! But I'm broken, I'm crazy, I'm a mad woman! No matter how hard I try I can't trust him blimey. This evening I embarrassed him and he said that was the last straw. I called him over ten times and he didn't answer the phone. Turns out he was at the gym with coworkers and didn't hear his phone ringing. He even put the coworker on the phone and I cursed at his conworker. I even accused him of being gay until I came back to my senses. I don't want to let go of our relationship. But I don't know if I will ever heal. I don't know if I'm good enough for him. He was the one begging me. Now I am begging him. Am I really that crazy? I feel pitiful. : (

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    1. We have all been where you are. It's crucial to have a place where you can talk about what you're going through with women who've been there.
      What you're going through is "normal", under the circumstances.
      It's not as simple as him promising he's changed, even when he's showing you a different side. Unless he's done the hard work of figuring out why/how he could treat you so horribly, then this change likely won't last. He needs to learn a different way of coping. He's been on his best behaviour.
      And, I suspect, your intuition is telling you that you're still not safe -- emotionally or physically. Pay attention to that. You were abused. And that does severe damage to your self-esteem. Please find yourself a therapist who can help you work through what you've gone through and figure out what you want/need going forward.
      Both of you are expressing emotional damage (him with abuse, you with neediness) and you both need to heal. It takes time and work but is so worth it. Please find yourself someone who can help you with this. I suspect you've been hurt a lot in your life, likely long before this boyfriend. You've been taught that you're not worthy of love and respect and kindness. But please know you are. Nothing you have done makes you unworthy of love and kindness and respect. But you need to find a way to believe that. And a therapist can help you with that. Please, please reach out.

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  57. My D Day was 7 years ago and I still wish I had divorced him at times. He had an emotional affair with everything physical except intercourse. He took her on our boat, he brought her to our house. She met my youngest child. He lied and continued the affair a month after he said it was over. Then her crazy husband found out and threatened to kill him and burn down our house. I ended up counseling the husband and talking him down. I had to clean up the mess my husband made. We had been married 16 years at that time. He then admitted he had previously had a similar relationship about the time my 2nd daughter was born. He also admitted having a couple of fondling sessions with 2-3 other women I knew. I kept him because of our impressionable teenage daughters. They have no idea. He's very good to me and acts remorseful. Problem? I care for him but I don't think I really love him anymore and I have zero sexual attraction toward him. I'm 46 now and we almost have our home paid for and our youngest is a high school senior. I need some help. I can't bring myself to be sexual with him anymore. It disgusts me. Please tell me what to do.

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    1. I can relate completely- we have only been married 10 years and he cheated 5 years ago and I still think and cry over it daily - we have 3 young daughters and they are the reason I stayed. I don't think I am in love with him anymore- I keep hoping it will come back one day ... but it hasn't yet. He is a great father and I don't want to turn my daughters world upside down - but sometimes I get so lonely... I just don't feel that connection anymore. Sometimes I think by staying I am missing out on someone out there who can love me and be faithful

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    2. I'm sorry...I think some women can push it back and still have a sexual/close relationship with their spouse, but I struggle with it so much. I still have an unbelievable feeling of shock when I think about everything. I was so caught off guard and stupid.

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    3. ac I’m just wondering how you’re doing? Are things better?

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  58. I submitted to "share my story" a couple of weeks ago and I honestly do not know what to do. D-Day was 12/31/16 when I found texts. Very loving texts. Since that time, everything he has told me has been a lie & the truth comes out later. I am sick of the lies. I believe he is not seeing her and hasn't since that day of discovery, but I cannot get it out of my head. we have been going to a therapist for about 5 1/2 months but I just can't get over this. He is literally the last person in the world you would ever expect to be a cheater. He apologizes over and over, but I am having great difficulty getting over it. He told me last when when I was unaware of the affair that he wanted a divorce because of credit card debt. He said he immediately didn't mean it (in his head) but never verbally told me he didn't mean it so for 2 months, all of November and December I walked on egg shells, kissing his butt, telling him I will take care of it. It wasn't even a huge amount, nothing I couldn't take care of, but little did I know he was cheating on me & using that for an excuse, then treated me that crap on the bottom of a shoe for the next to months, suffering terribly, so afraid he was going to leave me. Of course after discovery, a few months down the road he said he never had any intention of leaving me, that he knew he loved me then, love of his life, blah blah blah. Yet he never told me that. He didn't speak to me those 2 months, never wanted to go anywhere with me, acted like he hated my guts. Told me I went behind his back & betrayed him by running up credit card bills, all the while knowing what he was doing to me. I cannot forgive him for that. what he did was a million times worse and said he realizes that now, but how cruel doing what he was doing, yet letting me feel like crap for running up bills. My daughter & husband had legal fees, they almost divorced, so I was paying for attorneys for them. He had a job change that he hates,& said he was trying to figure out how to get out of the relationship with her, so he said he took it out on me, yet he sent many loving texts to her daily. He didn't lose his job, he didn't take a cut in may, he was wanting me to feel bad about credit card debit to ease his guilt. I cannot get over any of this. I told him that it was like he murdered someone, placed the gun in my hand to take the fall & go to jail instead of him being found as the guilty party. Yet he always loved me. You do not do stuff like that to people you love. I need help evidently more than just a therapist. I think of this 24/7. This is all I talk about to him. I don't know what to do

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    1. debaw, I know you've also posted elsewhere but I'm just seeing this post. I'm sorry for the pain you're in but glad that you've found us. Everything you're feeling is "normal", under the circumstances. We don't get over betrayal within months. It takes, literally, years. That doesn't mean you won't feel better and better. But to feel well and truly past it, is years.
      In the meantime, however, there are things you can both be doing to help you heal and to rebuild the relationship. Do you feel that your therapist is helping you move forward? Do you feel that your feelings around the betrayal are being honoured and acknowledged? Is your husband doing everything he can to better understand why he made the choice he did?
      It can be hard for a lot of us to understand that someone who loves us could betray us in this way. It seems crazy. And yet, most men who cheat have absolutely no desire to lose their wives/families. It really isn't about you at all. It's about the escape. The fantasy. The reflection they seem in this new person's eyes that makes them forget their pain, or their loneliness, or their mortality, or their disappointment. Affairs aren't unlike alcohol or drugs or gambling in that they distract people from uncomfortable feelings. They make life seem exciting again. The affair partner is less important than the feelings that the affair inspires. But it's not reality. And the real-life consequences are devastating. And it's often only then (and sometimes NOT then) that these guys realize what they've done and the damage they've caused. They risk losing everything that actually matters for someone who doesn't.
      Read what you can about affairs -- Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass is a great start. It can also help you understand your feelings around this. Betrayal is devastating. His "I'm Sorry" is only the beginning of helping you heal.

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  59. Well I see this is for women who are already married. I'm not married yet but I really want to be married to my child father. I feel like I'm fighting for the marriage before I even get a ring. He's cheated with ex on more than one occasion. I found out and he continued it. She works not far from our home and he go to her job to purchase things at least 3 times a month so there is still communication with her. I want to walk away but just so concerned about my child. He's a great guy, a provider, a protecter, my friend, caring, giving and considerate, as well as a great father. I've grown use to him so I'm trying to figure out how to become one with myself again and remove him from the equation. I feel like I'll never be able to move pass it and if I can't what's the point of marriage?

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    1. Hi Cooper,
      Not just for married women, though most who come here are married. But it's for anybody dealing with betrayal.
      And I'm so sorry for what you've been dealing with. Is he still having an affair? Why do you want to be with someone who had an affair and continued to even after you found out? How does he think this is okay? And how do YOU think of him as a "great guy" when he's openly defying your relationship?
      Honestly, Cooper, this sounds like an unhealthy relationship. Or a relationship in which your needs/wants don't matter. He isn't protecting you from pain. He isn't providing you a safe, stable, emotionally healthy relationship. And it's impossible to "move past" betrayal is one partner is refusing to acknowledge that he's done anything wrong.
      Of course, it's your decision what to do next. But I would urge you to seek therapy to help you work through the pain caused by his betrayal and to better understand why you want a marriage with someone who disregards your feelings.
      I completely understand your concern for your child. But I'm curious what advice you would give your child if he/she ever found him/herself in the same situation? Would you advise them to stay with someone who disrespects them like this? Or would you encourage them to leave and find someone who treats them better?

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  60. I've been with my fiance' going on 8 years. He proposed when we hit the 5 year mark. We got pregnant 3 months after getting together, we barely knew each other. While I was pregnant with our first child, I found messages between him and his ex about their past together. Shortly after that, I heard him on the phone and he openly told me it was with an ex, a different ex, talking about my and his baby I was carrying. When our son was about 2 I found messages from him and a co-worker that he would keep deleting and lying about. He would leave to go to friends house til 6 in the morning. My son and I hardly seen him. Not long after that, he left me. Was suppose to be permanent, but we got back together after about a month. Shortly after getting back together, I found naked pictures of his front and back that he was sending over Snapchat and vice versa. Then soon after, I found messages of him talking inappropriately to other females. He said that's how he always talked. We've been together 5 years at that point, and not once did he ever talk like that with me knowing and being ok with it. It's been almost 8 years together now, and not long ago I caught him talking to a different ex about how I wasn't good enough. That one stung the most. I became numb after all the other times. This time, though, I can't seem to get over it. I can't trust him. I find it hard to enjoy spending time with him. We now have two kids together, and I'm a recent stay at home mom so he could pursue his career. I still feel lost. I'm angry that he's made me not be able to trust him. I get just as angry, upset, and numb every time I'm reminded of everything that he's done. I just don't know what to do to trust him. To fix what he's broken.

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    1. I'm so sorry. Your comment got buried since this is an older blog post.
      I'm not sure where you are right now but I hope you've found a therapist to help you sort through your pain. Your fiancé is treating you with incredible cruelty and disrespect. But, on some level, you've shown him that's okay because you've tolerated everything up to this point. This is NOT at all your fault. I suspect your fiancé is treating you similarly to how many men in your life have treated you. But it's not okay. You deserve so much better than this. But you absolutely must insist on it. You mustn't tolerate such cruelty and disrespect.
      Please find yourself a therapist who can help you through this. It will be really hard but the reward is a life that you feel good about, surrounded by people who've earned their place in your life. Your husband might smarten up once he realizes that he's going to lose you if he doesn't. More likely, he'll get angry at you for "changing the rules". No matter. If he can't be a good husband and father, then better to know that now and get on with your life.

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  61. My story is different but not any less painful my husband doesn't change any of those behaviors at home hes a great guy and great provider but he spends most of his time at work where he cheats on me and the thing is I'll never be able to get over it because he'll never be able to changes job

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    1. R Williams, It's not the job that's the problem. It's your husband. The job isn't making him cheat.
      Until you insist that things change -- and he realizes that he stands to lose you if he doesn't -- then this is your life.
      Please treat yourself with more respect than that. You deserve so much better.

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  62. I am going through the same thing my husband who was the my boyfriend then cheated on me about 5 years ago. He does not call it cheating that there i levels he was "sexting" a few girls. He said he don't know he was just bored at work. We got married 3 years ago he says that should of eased my mind which it did not. He didn't have a cell phone for a long time up til 3 years ago when he switched jobs I finished school and we both we're working. We have 3 kids so he needs one. Soon after he got his job he had a girl he was texting just a friend I seen nothing out of the ordinary but it still bothered me cause the past plus we work in the same hospital and I got word she slept with a married man. That did not help I felt uncomfortable so we got through that. Recently almost a year ago my oldest daughter said he left the house the other two kids said he didn't but his frequent locations on iPhone said he was at a certain address at that time. There was a bad storm and there is some type of power grid near them at street. I let it go so then miles started to not add up while I was at work. Then a number text him one incoming one outgoing he deleted it. Says it said what's up he said who is this. Then why delete it? He says cause the issues we were having but I know him he wouldn't he loves to prove me wrong with things like this. Then on Snapchat where I use his number on my old phone the same girl who text him added me on snap chat she told me if she wants my husband she could of had him lucky for me she didn't want him then blocked me. Then another girl who works at our job added him to Snapchat by contact not knowing I use his number. When I ask who this she says Hey Terrance it's Portia I began to tell her this is his wife she claimed if I didn't trust him why be with him they are just friends. He claims it's a hi and bye thing in the hallway. She went a little crazy on me on how she don't talk to him like that. Later on I calmly message her back saying look we got 3 kids I been through this with him before I would like the truth. She said the same thing as my husband it's a hi and bye thing. Which I'm paranoid about him cheating I feel like he told her to say that he says I'm crazy. Then one night at work after this died down a number had called him 2 times. He has my old phone I can see useage. The calls were 2 minutes. I called it back the girl said she didn't know him and never called number I said I'm looking at it you called him 30 minutes ago. She began to describe him and ask if he drove a black car I said yes. She said he was stalking her she was 19 I could tell she's young. So i ask if he's stalking you why take his number and call him. She said so my husband could talk to him I said ok well let me talk to your husband she said we're getting divorce. I ask for his number she said it's cut off I said that don't make sense. So I call him he says that someone's playing games with me I'm crazy I should believe him. So we finally get over that but occasionally I see more miles on car than usual and a friend spotted him somewhere when he was suppose to be at home. Kids said he was sleeping but on his find my iPhone it showed him just pulling in. He says he didn't leave. I'm trying hard to get over it but it's just not adding up. I love him I'm afraid I'm wrong and if I am and we divorce I'll regret it.

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    1. Ashbabi,
      Honey, you're getting played. Trust your gut. You know exactly what's going on but you're surrounded by people determined to make you think you're crazy.
      You can't "get over" cheating without a whole lot of work (and, usually, therapy). Guys who cheat rarely just stop for any reason other than they finally realize they're about to lose everything that actually matter to them.

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  63. One Year post Discovery of my husband's lies and betrayal. Two teenage children that will not speak to him and want him out of there lives despite many efforts on his part to make this right. Counseling intensive therapy can a family really heal from this? I still feel so much pain and cannot even focus on whether or not I can make the marriage work when my children are in so much pain. My husband has gone way outside his comfort zone for therapy and insists he is changed but how do I really know this ? Feels like all the individual therapy is dividing us further but kids are not interested or ready for family therapy. I try to present him in the best light and they get angry at me for defending him. How to show them I am not a doormat but also model forgiveness and grace? Will anything he does ever be enough? I prayed for healing and tonight I just feel hopeless and alone. Questioning myself on whether I am just too afraid to leave him or the voice inside that loves him is worth more patience ? Am I hurting my children with indecision? Feeling so torn

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    1. Anonymous, This is a complicated situation. I'm having trouble figuring out if your desire to leave is your own or to spare your children having to be with their father. They're clearly deeply wounded by what he did. And I'd be inclined to insist on therapy. Anger is a mask for hurt and fear and they've likely got plenty of that.
      I'm curious about your kids' refusal to accept that people make mistakes but they can take responsibility for them and change. Have they ever screwed up in life at all? What has been your family's response to mistakes?
      You say your husband says he's changed -- are you seeing evidence of that?
      I'd be inclined to stop presenting your husband in the best light and just be candid with your kids. Let them know how you came to a place where you could even consider forgiving your husband. Explain to them the challenges of it. Discuss how they might respond to times in their own lives where they make a mistake -- how might they want people to respond to them? Even if they maintain their hard line, you might give them something to think about. More importantly, has your husband asked for their forgiveness? Has he outlined what he's done to try to make amends, all while knowing he can't undo what he did?
      And finally, see if you can figure out where you want to be right now. If you want to be with your husband, then you don't need to make any excuses. Teens are notoriously contrary so your actions are speaking volumes. If you behave as a model of forgiveness and grace (and it's authentic), they'll see that.
      Again, I suspect their deep hurt is coming out as anger. Feeling hurt feels weak, especially to teens, when in fact it shows strength to be able to feel it and move on from it.

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    2. Thank you so much for taking time to reply I see a lot of wisdom in your words throughout the site. I'm not surprised you saw can Fusion because I am confused about how I feel about my husband there are times I see him trying and times I see character flaws that seem outside of his power. I do love him but I am struggling to figure out if it is healthy to keep trying I think this blog really serves a purpose to connect people who might have a difficult time talking about these subjects with people they see day to day. thank you for the support this offers.

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  64. Thank you so much for taking the time to reply...I find myelf looking at this blog daily for support and wisdom. The kids counselors say they are having a difficult time because they are the ones who caught his lies. They believe him to be selfish and untrustworthy and are setting boundaries against him. They think he is regretful because the consequences are negative for him not because he's truly sorry even though he has apologized. Their counselors tell them it is their choice whether or not they want to have a relationship with their father but I don't know how much they speak to them about trying to have a relationship with her father. Sometimes it feels like the individual counseling is just pulling us all apart.

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    1. Anonymous, "Pulling us all apart" might actually be about your kids learning to enforce their boundaries. Sometimes the best thing, even if it's just in the short term, is to remove toxic people from our lives. It can be empowering, especially for kids, to realize that they can do this -- that they can put their own emotional health first. That's what you want them to do, always. It's just especially painful when it's a parent who's hurting them.
      Your husband is dealing with some brutal consequences from his choices. But if he's able to accept responsibility, day in and day out, and to consistently show with his actions that he's using this experience to become a better person, he's also then teaching them that people can earn their second chances.

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  65. I write this letter as a cheater and not to be ridiculed or rebuked, but in the sincere hope I can gain some insight as to how I can make life better for my wife and I as we have remained together (12 mths on). The affair had already ceased and everyday, every week I have in some way, let my wife know I care and love her so much. I made the fatal err after we hit a financial rock bottom, and my wife turned to alcoholism. I felt like she no longer cared, I felt like it was my fault we were in the dilemma and I felt it was me who HAD to fix it and I had ZERO support. I felt like a failure to my family. Needless to say, our sex life also became abysmal. I'm sure looking back depression had engulfed me and from there it got worse resulting in my BAD decision which led to lives being thrown into hell. Yes, I should have seen a psych, Dr, councillor etc... But I didn't. Instead a manipulative, scheming woman saw an opportunity for a life that she wanted and I saw an escape from reality and someone who didn’t see me as a failure. It was never anything serious in my eyes, but that soon changed to manipulation and blackmail from the other woman. I never saw this coming and I had no concept in my wildest dreams of the hurt my act would cause. To cut to the story, I told my wife that I didn’t want to separate and would do whatever to make us better. We have our good days and we have many bad ones. We had never argued in our 20 year marriage!
    What I’m finding very hard after 12 months are two things;
    The repetitive questions…. maybe at least 100 times asking the same things over and over with the same honest answers being given.
    The berating of me….. I’ve been told how disgusting (and more) I am so many times I’ve lost count.
    My question is, should I allow this to continue, is it helping?
    If it does continue then sooner or later I will have no self-esteem or energy, if that happens and I stop trying then we have no chance to rebuild.
    Please don’t say you should have thought of this before the affair. I didn’t, and I can’t rewrite the past. What I can do is make today and every day hereon the best I can but, it’s getting really hard when the above keeps reoccurring.

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    1. Anonymous,
      I'm genuinely sorry for the pain you're in. I've often said that, no matter how much it sucked to be me when my husband cheated, I still think it was better than being him. I applaud your attempts to make amends for the pain you've caused. And I do have some thoughts about where you go from here.
      For a start, are you two in any sort of couples counselling? Is your wife in individual counselling? If not, I would urge you to consider it. I think couples counselling (with a GOOD counsellor) can give you both a place where you can discuss things with someone who can keep you both from going off the rails. While I understand your wife's sentiments (which, as you no doubt know, come from her deep deep pain), they aren't helping and sound as though they're veering into verbal abuse. You do not have to tolerate being berated. It's important, of course, to listen to her pain. And to, yes, answer her questions over and over and over. It's incredible how many of us suffer from a sort of post-trauma after infidelity in which we, honestly, can't remember things. We're literally trying to rewrite our story in a way that incorporates this new information and it's exhausting and confusing. Try and be patient.
      But can you have a conversation with her in which you explain that, while you understand her pain, you cannot tolerate being berated. Tell her that you will do your best to listen to her when she needs support but that you will have to walk away if she begins to verbally abuse you. This will, of course, feel horribly unfair to her. She no doubt feels that what you're having to endure is nothing like what she has to endure. And she's right, to some extent. But this isn't about levelling the field. It's about two people working to rebuild their marriage and adding insults and cruel comments to the mix will make that impossible. Again, this is where a good couples counsellor can help you.
      So, in short, listen to her pain. Try to understand it (though it sounds as though you are doing this already). But do not tolerate abuse.
      One more thing: Is your wife sober? Has she sought help for her addiction? It's possible, of course, to be a "dry drunk", meaning even if she's not drinking, she hasn't dealt with the emotions that people often drink to escape. 12 step groups can be helpful, as can counselling.
      Again, I'm sorry for both of you. Infidelity can be devastating for everyone involved.

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  66. there is 37 days I found that he has an affair. It lasted for 5-6 months, he actually wanted to leave me and tried but couldn't, decided to stay (I didn't know about affair, I thought our marriage has simply came to the end), and the night after I caught him on the phone with her.
    I wanted to get him out. He begged me to let him stay. We are 10 years together, he loves me, yes he wanted to leave me, then realized he can't without me etc. So, I those first weeks we stayed. He broke off every contact with her, called her in front of me and ended things. He keeps repeating I am his whole world...
    But I can't do this any more. I can't forgive him his betrayal, I went through very tough period and he is the one who was suffering and who took care of his needs. I can't forgive him the hurt he caused, his selfishness. All the sites I read tell the same, things in your marriage were not good, he felt this and that, but what about me. I wasn't in a great place too, but I haven't decided to go out and take the most devastating path. He could've left right away, he could've had sex with her and end it right away. He didn't. He continued to see her, sleep with her, talk to her while having me and our little daughter at home. He decided to ruin me. Now he adores me, he can't go without me. How's that possible? How do you forgive something like that? Is that possible at all? How to I let go of this resentment and despair? One day I want divorce, another I don't. Is it possible to let it go? I feel like I am drowning. I love him. I know he loves me. I don't understand a lot of things, because my feelings have always been black and white, there was no grey zone, but I love him. I just don't know how can I move on with all this hurt in me. With him or without him, I don't know how to move on...

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    1. Anonymous,
      First let me say that everything you're experiencing is "normal" under the circumstances. The "stay or go" debate raging in your head, your total bewilderment about how anyone can cheat on someone they love, your pain. We've all been there.
      But I often urge people not to make big decisions in the first 6 months to a year after betrayal if they're not sure what they really want to do. For that period of time, you're essentially in a state of crisis and shock. It's not the time to make life-altering decisions. If you need some time away, perhaps consider a separation. But mostly, this is the time to focus on you, to get yourself back on some sort of solid ground. And you do that by letting yourself feel the pain, by being gentle with yourself, by not trying to understand anything other than getting through each day. In the meantime, this is HIS time to figure out why he risked everything for someone who, ultimately, didn't matter. What stories was he telling himself about his marriage, about himself that made what he was doing okay in his mind? How did he rationalize this? Chances are, he was telling himself some lies.
      And while he's doing that, you need to remain focussed on you. Don't get ahead of yourself -- do your best not to worry about a month from now, or six months, or six years. You will be in a different place emotionally at different points. So just sit with your uncertainty right now. It will feel uncomfortable but you can do it. You want to make a deliberate choice, not simply react.
      Hang in there, Anonymous. We've all been in that horrible stage you're in. You won't be there forever. Keep yourself as well as you can. Spend time with your daughter and with people around you who can support you. And trust that you will get through this.

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  67. Ive been married for five months, my husband and i was in long distance relationship prior to getting married . We had family issues that put stress on our long distance relationship and he broke up with me, come to find out he met someone, so to me that was the reason we broke up. I became involved with someone, but him and i remained best friends. He called me sayingbreaking up with me was a mistake and he wanted me back.wegot back together , i left Chicago to move to Texas and we got married. I waslooking through his email a couple weeks ago and read email to his ex, saying he was thinking about her and he will always love her. I confronted him and at first he said he didnt know why he did it. We had a talk and he said he felt like a failure as a husband because he wasn't making me happy. Im very close to my family and had separation anxiety from my family and my adult sons. I didnt think how i was making him feel, because i was wrapped up in my feelings. I don't know anybody here, but his family. He did email her and said him contacting her was a mistake and he would not contact her again. He didn't say what i wanted him to put in email, which was his marriage is his priority and he loves me, and we just hit a rough patch which is why he reached out. From reaading her emai , they didn't speak on phone just email. He works long hoursand i have thoughts in my head, about if he really loves me, do i have his heartwhich is torture. I promised myself i would never allow someone to treat me like thus again and i feel like i broke that promise. We agreed that i would be more focused on marriage and start fresh. A part of me think i should start planning an exit strategy because its so hard getting past this. People who betray the person who loves them have no idea the heartache (And it is a physical pain) they cause. Emotional affair hurts just as deep as physical.

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  68. D-day was December 20, 2015. A lot has happened since then. I'd love to say everything is awesome now but it's not. I tried 4 separate counsellors.... all of them were morons- first one couldn't keep an appointment; second one wanted to tell me how to live my life.... a one hour conversation was me saying 1 sentence and listening to this dingbat prescribe what i was going to do for the rest of the conversation; third one said call me when you need me so I did then he told me go back to the referral service if you're not going to hire me privately and fourth one was more concerned about writing a biography on my husband and asking about his fucking childhood than focusing on the pain I was in. No family to talk to. Don't have friends because to be honest.... I find most people suck. Where am I at now? My husband cheated; I went into complete shock; he has done all he can at this point to prove he loves me and wants to be with me (ended the affair, no contact, moved, changed phone number, gave me all email and acct access, etc. and we are always on the phone - very transparent). Do I trust him? No. Am i stil with him? Yes. Do I love him? Yeah but it's not like it was. What have I learned? I have had to look in the mirorr and rediscover myself; rebuild myself.... I'm still here. I still have bad days. I will always wonder and worry and I know that. The trauma of an affair just doesn't go away and if you think it does, you're bloody naive. I have accepted that I love a man who is capable of cheating on me. I have set boundaries and one is that if he ever does it again I'm gone. Period. I have a career and a life and he is welcome to be a part of it. We have a child. But the reality for me at least is that I am alone. I can only truly trust myself and I'm good with that. If I rely on me alone, there are no surprises. So... to all you men and women out there who are in the hurt locker right now.... keep going. You are stronger than you realize. You will get through it. Just don't give up. I don't need anyone or anything but myself and that empowers me more than I can possible describe. If you need help from therapists, family and friends DO IT..... I didn't have that luxury but I wanted to post to let you know that if I can do it alone.... you can certainly get through it and especially with help. Eventually, you will see the light at the end of that tunnel. Just never quit.

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  69. Been with my husband for 5 year we have 2 kids he cheated on my once about 3 year I left him for 5 months he did everything right after and I for gave him because I love him and I felt that my daughter deserves to have (in her life but we got back together and now three years later it happened again today he told me a month ago he cheated on me I could just look at him and think to myself I feel absolutely nothing Why ? Why ain’t I feel anything right now it’s like I feel like I should be crying but no tears why ? !!! Why do I look at this men with no feeling right now !

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  70. I have known my husband for 3 yrs and been married 4 months. He has had many female friends with questionable motives at best. From the moment we moved together and eventually married it got worse. He dropped the many skank duckfaced Facebook list he had and has only friended those he works with. I've seen many suggestive conversations and caught him many times with porn or illicit attempts that the other women ignored which always put him in bad moods or he'd rant about it on his page. He always tells me he's new to this marriage and serious relationship thing because his past gfs weren't decent people and he expects me to be ok with his destructive learning method. He's emotionally cheated more than I can count. I've become a shell of who I was and can't find any happiness because I'm consumed by the negative feelings that developed towards him. We don't talk without arguing and sex doesn't happen because I don't want him touching me. He's done a lot to leave many triggers with me and gets mad if I bring them up. He expects me to heal without any signs of trauma. I've never found concrete proof on him physically cheating but no man fights to go sit with a female friend at 2a. Even though it's all past I can't get beyond it and his apologies no longer matter because he's said sorry and repeated or did worse the next time. He's doing much better but I don't know how to get through my hurt and anger. It's all I feel towards him now. Anger when he's around and tears when he's away at work. It's been less than two months since he's stopped most of the behavior but I'm still triggered. Tonight we fought and we don't see each other's side. I'm ready to throw in the towel and he's fighting me on it. Am I losing it because I can't get over how bad it hurt and that I don't trust him or see him as the man I love anymore?

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  71. Hi..I am sailing in the same boat.Have been with my H for 13years with an almost 10yr old son.My H travels a lot for work and even when in country is hardly home.On one of his travels he met this woman and started talking to her often.He says he felt that our relationship was that of just friends and not of husband and wife though we were having sex etc but due to his coming home late almost every night he slept in the guest bedroom. The sex has always been good for both of us.However he strayed and had a 4month relationship with the woman. Wherever he travelled he took her along,paid obviously for her rent and food etc whenever he was in town too..kept on telling me that he was going for business meetings but went with her. In Dec she fell pregnant and had been preasurising him to divorce me and that is when they broke the relationship. She threatened to tell me everything and also put everything on social media which she did. She did everything to get back with him from blackmailing to social media but he says he will never get back with her. I have decided to give it another chance for my son's sake but with H travelling again and late night meetings I am getting panic attacks. I feel I have lost something within me,keep on crying for no reason It has been 2months since I know what had been happening but the trust isnt coming back and the hurt and pain are not going away
    My H says he is really sorry and is telling me to forget and forgive which isnt possible...The entire relationship has changed and I dont know why are we together. I do care for him but I dont know if the love and respect will revive or will we just live like this for our son.

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  72. My husband had an affair for 3 years with a co worker it’s been close to 3 years as well that I found out. Ever since he has tried to fix our marriage and I was so pleased as to the things he was doing that I gave our marriage a chance but I still have nightmares and I find myself anxious all the time now. Anything makes me question my marriage and his loyalty. I look at him and feel anger and disgust at times. I do love him but I ask myself is that enough and can I get over this feeling? He gets aggravated when I bring up the topic. Just tell me “don’t mention that b**** to me” ot he’ll say “I’m crucified forever”. He tells me he doesn’t want to loose me but his mom had told me she knows he loved the women he cheated on me with and his mom told him to stay with me for our daughter. Which he swears is not true. I also found out I HPV which makes things worse in my mind because I can’t help but to blame him for it. I’ve had a colposcopy done and several other procedures for months. I don’t know what to do. We have a 6 year old together.

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    1. To you, Ana, and to the others who posted here recently (older posts tend not to get noticed as much as newer posts so I'm sorry your comments were missed!) -- Getting over betrayal takes a long time. And it takes even longer with a partner who refuses to allow you to talk about your pain. It's like running over someone in a car but then getting annoyed when they complain about their broken leg, or their sore back. Of course, you need to talk about it. And, counter-intuitively, talking about it doesn't make the pain last longer, it helps both of you heal. If your husband isn't in therapy, he should be. Or should you be in couples counselling. A therapist can remind him that he created this situation and if he wants to rebuild a marriage that is deeper and more honest, he absolutely needs to support you while you heal -- which includes letting you share how painful this is. The appropriate response, over and over, is "I am so sorry I put you in this situation. What do you need from me right now?" Maybe it's a hug. Maybe it's just to listen. Maybe it's to reassure you that he'll never do it again. Whatever it is, it will help you heal because your needs are being acknowledged and your pain is being recognized.
      And, for the record, his mom sounds toxic. Why the hell is she telling you this stuff? She needs to butt out of your marriage. And I suspect, he likely needs therapy to figure out not only why he risked his family but how to deal with a jerk of a mom.

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    2. My story is almost the same. She was a coworker. First he denied it continually. Then after I found out, he wanted me back. But I wasn't allowed to talk about it either. He eventually went back to her. It's over now. We are going through a divorce. I just can't get over it though.

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  73. I was married for 21 years. My husband cheated on me the first time after about 5 years of marriage and gave me an STD and HPV. WE had a 5 year old daughter. HE left for several weeks and showed extreme remorse so I forgave him. Our relationship was also complicated by a 9 year age difference ( he is younger) and I had two boys from a previous marriage. There were several times through the years that we had difficulties and heard rumors or had suspicions that he was cheating. However, he denied it and no matter how I tried I couldn't find out anything concrete to say for sure he was cheating. The last 4 or 5 years, I noticed a change in his attitude toward me. He was colder and distant. He always complained that we didn't have sex enough. However, when I tried several different things he was not responsive and if we were away for a night or a weekend he did not even want to have sex. After a year of ups and downs including an anonymous phone call and letter, things came to a head. He quit speaking to me and moved to the couch and then the attic. He rarely spoke to our daughter as well. She was a senior then. I tried repeatedly to get him to tell me what was wrong and he would just totally ignore me. In July, I took his cell phone and told me to give me the pass code or tell me what was going on. Again, he walked out without a word. While I had his phone, his mistress texted him. That's how I found out who she was. They both denied that anything was going on. I told him I wasn't living this way and he had to talk to me or leave. He again ignored me. I then packed his clothes and threw them in his truck. He left without a word. HE went right to her house. I found out a few days later. A week later I received divorce papers in the mail. Naturally, I was devastated. He immediately said he had changed his mind and did not want a divorce. I told him it was too late. You can't give someone divorce papers and then say I changed my mind.

    He stayed with her for a week and then moved in with his mom and dad. Our daughter and his dad told him if he wanted to get back together he would have to do this. He began calling and texting me begging me to give him one more chance. He convinced several of our friends that he was sincerely sorry. After about a month, I again gave him another chance. Although I didn't let him move back in, I did have sex with him after several months. Within a few days, I caught him at her house again. I then filed for an absolute divorce. He had filed for a limited divorce, which is more like a legal separation.

    That was in October of 2017. I am still devastated and depressed. I don't miss him or even feel like I still love him. It's the betrayal I can't get over. I have found out that he had an affair with her years ago. He worked with her. HE left that business and worked somewhere else for several years and then went back. He started up again with her after he went back which was about three years before I found out. Since then, I have found out from several people that he had been planning to leave for years and was waiting for our daughter to graduate from high school. Which is about when he started changing.

    I am writing this because I just can't get past it. I cry every day still. I just can't understand how someone can lie to you continually and have sex with her and then come home and be with me. It hurts so much. How do you move on??? Will it ever stop hurting. I can't take it anymore

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    1. Vicky,
      I am so so sorry for what you've gone through and for the pain you're still in. Betrayal is trauma. And when it's dragged on, over years, our bodies and minds have a hard time recovering.
      In fact, many people who are betrayed as you've been suffer from post-traumatic stress. They feel unsafe in the world, they feel jittery and easily triggered.
      And, of course, the pain is devastating. And it can hurt for a long time. However, it sounds as though you are truly stuck in time, as if you're not able to move on, even though you feel well and truly done with him.
      Which tells me that it's the wound of the betrayal that's got you stuck. It's not uncommon. Sometimes the betrayal itself confirms for us things we already believe about ourselves -- that we're not lovable, that we're not enough, that we're fools. In any case, Vicky, I would really urge you to find a therapist who might help you process this pain. A safe place where you can unload all of this confusion and fear and hurt and work through it, where you can remind yourself that you didn't deserve any of this and that his problems are his to deal with.
      You can get past this, but it takes a lot of work. It doesn't need to continue to hurt so much. It sounds as though you're genuinely better off without this guy but you need to heal from the wound he's created. Hang in there Vicky. Keep reading here. Often the newer posts generate more response so if you want to get others' input, share your story on a newer post. The women here are incredible. They know your pain.
      But I really hope you'll also find yourself a therapist who can help you through this. You don't want to continue to live like this...and you don't have to.

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  74. Hi there everyone. For one I'm so grateful to have found this site. My marriage is incredibly broken. The first time my husband cheated was 9 yrs ago. The second was about a year ago. We've been married now for 10 yrs. Both times he chose the other women over me, later came crawling bk. The second time he cheated he broadcasted it all over my hometown, I live in Hawaii with a big family and many friends. So the embarrassment was unbearable and the cheating came from left field. I was so hurt, still am hurt. I think the second time hurt more firstly because everyone knew about it and had so many questions that I didn't have answers for. And secondly because I seen the conversations and intimate pics they took together. Now, my anxiety Is through the roof that's I take medication for as well as antidepressants and sleeping meds. Although he swears it'll never happen again, that's also what he said after the first time. I constantly struggle between hating and loving him. I still feel extremely confused and although he wants to make things work I somehow always revert to the past. I dont know what to do. My heart hearts for my 2 young keikis and I love him but I literally live through thoughts about his cheating daily! A song, a movie, a road, a building, an item, a person........anything reminds me of how I felt when I was going through this rough time. Please any advice is appreciated. Thank you :) Aloha

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    1. Aloha to you our Hawaiian warrior,
      I am so sorry for the pain you're in. And we all know that horrible feeling of being triggered by almost anything.
      The first thing I want you to absolutely know is that everything you're feeling is perfectly normal. Of course, you don't believe him. He's revealed himself to be a liar. So believing him would be an act of betrayal to yourself. And of course, you're feeling anxious and depressed. Of course, you're having trouble sleeping. Betrayal is trauma. And that's how our body responds. Trauma. We're terrified of this happening again, we feel unsafe in the world. The person we trusted to NOT hurt us is exactly the person who broke our heart. So your response is normal. And your response is trauma.
      Do you have a therapist who can help you heal from this? A safe place to open up about everything you're going through and who can remind you that YOU have nothing to be embarrassed about. HE is the disloyal one. HE is the one who stepped out. YOU are a loyal wife and mother. Being betrayed shouldn't be embarrassing. Being the betrayer is the embarrassing part.
      So...what next?
      Well, I want you to be easy on yourself. I want you to realize that you are responding to emotional trauma. I want you to do what you need to begin to heal. Your husband, if he wants a second chance (third!!) with you has a whole lot of work to do. For one, he needs to get himself into therapy to begin to understand why he keeps risking what matters to him for people who don't. He needs to understand what he's seeking by cheating and why he thinks what he's doing is somehow okay. And he needs to REALLY understand the pain he has caused you and how he can begin to support you in healing from it.
      You are reverting to the past because it's unresolved for you. He is giving you absolutely no reason to believe that he's changed other than telling you he has. And he's already told you that before and then cheated. So his words are meaningless to you. That doesn't mean he shouldn't still try to reassure you but he needs to SHOW you that he truly understands that what he did was damaging to your family and excruciating to you. If he can't or won't do that, then he's telling you that HIS comfort matters more than YOUR healing.
      My dear Hawaiian friend, you will get through this. But time can't work its magic without a whole lot of work along with it. But please start by realizing that NONE of this is your fault. You did not deserve this treatment. You are worthy of love and respect and kindness. Begin by giving that to yourself.

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  75. I'm reaching out to this site because I'm broken. I was married a year ago and I notice my husband looking up his ex girlfriend. I don't have proof of anything going on but he look her up mutilpe times since we been together 6years and I can't put a grip on why. We might have a random conversation and he use her in example in a bad way. I'm not sure if more been going on then a look up because he knows a lot about someone that he broke up with 6 years ago. I feel betrayed and angry and I don't trust he telling me everything.

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    1. Anonymous,
      What is his response when you ask why he's looking her up online? And what is it about his response that makes you not trust it? Is he untrustworthy in other ways?
      Might be time for both of you to go to a marriage counsellor in order to learn how to communicate honestly with each other and to get clear on what you each expect of your marriage. I can't say whether he's cheating or not or whether his curiosity is innocent or not. But your level of fear (you call yourself "broken") indicates that you don't feel emotionally safe in this marriage and that's a huge problem. I hope you'll take steps to find help as soon as possible.

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  76. When my husband and I were in our early 20's, my husband used to message "friends" and even his ex wife and would flirt with these girls online, I would forgive him over and over again. Then months later we started fighting about a person who I thought was my friend because they would flirt in front of me and text each other behind my back and when I would bring up how I felt he would get angry and say "Im still going to talk to her" months later it comes out that he wanted to begin a relationship with her...I didn't find out because he wanted to tell me but because this girl told her parents so he had no choice but to tell me. I chose again to stay and try to forgive him but instead ended up hating him our sex life and friendship was over, one night we got into a huge fight because I could not forgive him, he ended up leaving that night to a bar where he met a lady... not sure what happened with them but he says it was just kissing, So that also added more to my anger. But again I chose to stay (I was very naive). A year after he changed and started to show he was ready and willing to make our marriage work but my anger would not subside I unfortunately I began an emotional affair with an old flame, Justifying it to myself that my husband too had affairs, like everything done in the dark... I was caught. We both decide to remove all social media sites from our lifes, he forgave me and for a couple of years our marriage was a dream. To this day he does not throw it in my face. But a year ago we decided to let each other get back on social media and now my feelings of suspicion are back I have talked with him, it makes me feel good for a week and bam... it comes back. He also started talking with a friend online (I have seen and heard this friend) this friend is married to one of my husband ex-wife best friends this friend also knows women my husband was flirting with when we were young. I have not found prove I am too scared to even go through his phone and find something. I am always in a bad mood I feel so small and unwanted. I love him but I do not trust him should I stay or should I leave the marriage.

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    1. Unknown,
      It sounds as though you feel emotionally safe when he doesn't have temptation available to him via social media. So the problem isn't the social media -- it's the lack of trust you have in him. And, from where I sit, of course you don't trust him. He has shown himself to be fundamentally untrustworthy. He has betrayed your trust repeatedly.
      So here's the thing: Whether or not you stay or go in this relationship, you need to understand healthy boundaries in any relationship. And so does your husband. Your marriage sounds as though you've never had that. You've 'forgiven' each other without really any indication that you've learned from what went wrong. Does he have insight into why he flirted with women, openly and secretly? Do you have insight into why you forgave him repeatedly when he really gave you no reason to?
      I hope I don't sound harsh because I don't mean to. I know how much pain you're in and I'm really sorry. But I really just think that what's happening with your husband is likely a running theme in your life. I suspect you've never been taught healthy boundaries and have no idea what they are. Don't be ashamed of that. I was exactly the same. I grew up in an alcoholic home where I had no idea what a healthy relationship looked like. My job was to just keep forgiving people for treating me shitty.
      I'm wondering if you had a similar job as a kid.
      Unknown, before you decide to leave your marriage, I would strongly encourage you to find a therapist who can help you learn how to keep yourself safe emotionally. That doesn't happen by closing yourself off or walking away, it happens when you learn to respect your own needs and wants even when it's hard. It happens when you refuse to accept disrespect. It happens when you stop accepting bad behaviour.
      You're operating from a place of fear. The problem isn't that you might find he's flirting/cheating again (although that would be painful), the problem is that you don't trust yourself to take action when you discover that. The problem is that you would then have to do something about it. And that's terrifying. I know.
      But Unknown, you deserve so much better than this. You deserve to feel loved and cherished and valued. But it starts with you. It starts with you loving yourself and valuing yourself. And that begins with therapy, with a counsellor who can guide toward that.
      I hope you'll take my advice. Cause no matter whether you stay or go with this guy, you'll be with yourself for the rest of your life.

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    2. You got it right, I did grow up in a very abusive home. I will definitely take your advice, Thank you.

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  77. It two months since I realized my husband betrayed me with his ex who we had a quarrel about her some 2years ago though he say he didn't have sex with her they only kissed and he allowed her touch his private parts but she went half way but never touch him I don't believe him especially after reading his love messages with her saying how she will suck his dick and how she felt after kissing it pains my heart alot but I have find my self asking him a lot about what happened that night and he keeps repeating the same thing but I still feel he is lying to me after how I see him feeling good talking about what happened between them that night he seem to enjoying talking about it and it pains me a lot and am 28 pregnant for our second child am confused I don't know what to do because I feel he is still in love with his ex please help me I feel confused and lost

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    1. Confused and Lost,
      Kissing and having someone touch your private parts is, essentially, sex. It might not be intercourse, but it is sex. And it is most certainly a betrayal. And that's the issue here. He betrayed you. He was intimate with his ex.
      So...what happens next is up to you. If he wants to continue a relationship with you, he needs to have zero contact with his ex. NONE. If you want to continue a relationship with him, I would urge both of you to seek out a couples counsellor who can help you work through the devastation of betrayal. It takes a long time to heal such a trust violation.
      I'm so sorry for the pain you're in. It's time to set some clear rules around reconciliation.

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  78. I've been married for 35 years. I found out a year and a half ago my husband cheated with a co-worker for about 9 months (his words). We went through extensive counseling and he says there has been no reoccurance of his affair, no texts, nothing. I believe him, because he is so devoted to me now. He leaves work and immediately comes home, and is very attentive. I am still imagining the two of them together, and struggling with did I make the right choice. Am I past the point of getting better? Will it always be this uncertainty? I'd like to hear from others who have been through this after so many years.

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    1. Anonymous,
      No, you are definitely not past the point of getting better. And no, I don't think there will always be uncertainty. I'm not sure if others will weigh in because this is an old post that most won't see. It might help to post your question on a more recent post.
      However, I will weigh in myself. Betrayal is devastating. It is a shock to our system. And that shock takes a long time to wear off. A year and a half probably feels like an eternity but most experts say it takes anywhere from 2 - 5 years to heal from a "trust wound" as infidelity is called.
      But there are things we can do for ourselves to help us heal. It sounds as though your husband is doing what he can to assure that he's not cheating now. But do you feel you have the answers you need about why he cheated in the first place? Are you comfortable with his own understanding of and accountability for cheating?
      Is he able to support you in your pain? Can he listen and comfort you when you're having a particularly rough day or if you've been triggered by something?
      Is there anything in your marriage you'd like to see happening that isn't?
      Rebuilding a marriage after betrayal is essentially a second marriage and it's the time for your to create something that meets both partner's needs. There needs to be total honesty and transparency.
      As for imagining the two of them together, there are cognitive behavioural techniques you can use to try to eliminate those "mind movies" as we call them. Snap an elastic on your list any time your mind goes there. Picture a big stop sign. Focus in her least attractive feature and imagine that instead. Or try replacing the image with something fun you two have recently done together. If none of that works, maybe it's time for you to see a therapist on your own to help you through that. Those mind movies can be hell.
      I'm more than a decade beyond my husband's cheating and I can promise you that I don't often think about it. It's there, of course. It will always be there. We can't erase the past. But I hardly ever think of the other woman and I don't picture them together at all. But, honestly, it took me close to five years to feel well and truly past this. That's not to say it was five years of hell -- each day brought me closer to peace. But at 1 1/2 years, I was still trying to decide if I wanted to stay or go.
      So...you're certainly not alone.

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    2. Thanks for the quick response. I tried re-posting on your Part 5 site, we'll see if there are any responses. It helps very much to know this can get better. Yes, I am still wondering if I should stay. I feel like I accepted him back too easily. Do you have children? My 3 adult sons don't say much now, but I think they're still struggling with me accepting their father's infidelity. He works with the woman, and tells me she's moved on and is now living with someone else, and they only talk when necessary. He will retire in January, but it's been difficult knowing he sees her every day. He receives a large financial bonus in December which is why he's stayed. January can't come soon enough for me!

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  79. My husband cheated after 16 years. He seemed to think it wasn’t as bad because he didn’t have intercourse. They did everything else. Then I find out there were a couple more women he engaged in touching or oral sex with. He’s been working for 7 years to try to convince me he’s trustworthy. I will never trust him again. I stay with him because of our family and he enjoy each other’s company on a friendship level. I fear that’s all it will ever be.

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    1. Maybree,
      I'm sorry for the pain you've gone through. You say he's spent 7 years trying to prove he's trustworthy. Can I ask what, exactly, he's been doing? And I'm curious too about your refusal to ever trust him again. Betrayal does change us, for sure. I don't think any of us will ever have that blind trust we might have had. But your insistence that you'll never trust him again sounds, to me, like there's still healing work to be done by you. Not for his sake, but for yours. It's exhausting to hold on to pain.
      You say you "fear" that's all it will ever be. And I suspect that, unless you do some work to really excavate the pain you still have around this, you're right. You cannot have true intimacy without trust. But that will mean letting go of this refusal to let him fully back into your heart, to trust that he has learned a horrible lesson and will do everything he can to ensure he doesn't hurt you again.
      I can't guarantee that my husband will never cheat again. But I do trust that he has worked hard to figure out why he went down that road and how to stop himself should he be tempted again. So...I trust him today. And that's all any of us have. Today. Who knows where we'll be one, five, ten years from now. But can you trust him today? Can you work through the pain that keeps your heart closed to anything deeper than what you have?
      It's really hard, Maybree. I know. A lot of us experience post-trauma after betrayal and it sounds as though that might be what's keeping you stuck. If you haven't already worked with a therapist, I would encourage you to. I wonder too if your husband's betrayal re-opened any old wounds you might have had around abandonment and trust. It seems harder for those us who've already experienced it as children to move past a partner's affair.
      In any case, I hope you won't settle for what you have right now. Working to rebuild a marriage that's based on true honesty and intimacy is rewarding and worth it.

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    2. Thank you..I’m stuck because the man I married I has two sides. The selfish emotionally weak cheater who convinced himself he was helping these women, and the family man who would die for me and his daughters. How can you be both? He is so capable of separating the two personalities I’m terrified I will never know what he’s doing. He had no problem with these scattered infidelities for at least 10 years. I’m usually good at reading people but I think I had a block with him because I had so much trust.

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  80. My husband and I have been together for 17 years.i just found out 3 weeks ago that he had a affair.I had my suspicions,I asked him about it but he lied and said that I was over thinking.The reason why I had suspicions were because late last year until March we were not intimate he thought I was cheating on him because I didn’t want to have sex.I honestly didn’t know what was wrong with me I just wasn’t in the mood.So fast forward to this month I thought we were fine we had started having sex on the regular.Well that wasn’t enough I found out he had an affair with his step dad niece..the betrayal alone has me lost for words.How am I suppose to go around his family knowing what he did to me.I feel like that was to close to home.I cried for a week straight,I know he is sorry because I see it on his eyes but I don’t think I can get over it.I feel so humiliatied,embarrassed.they texted for 2 months straight planning the affair which hurts even more..and of course she was friends with him on social media which makes it worst..I feel like they had a inside secret right in front of me.i love him so much the thought of living without him gives me anxiety,but on the other hand I think he got off to easy and I probably should of at least separated from him for about a month or so.. to punish him..I just don’t know what to do.

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    1. Anonymous,
      That desire to "punish" puts a lot of us in positions we don't actually want -- like separating when we don't actually want to.
      You get to decide what you want going forward. But please take some time to sort out what you really want and how to achieve it. Punishing for the sake of making a point will often mean you're hurting yourself, too.
      Here's what I'm suggesting based on one of our favourite slogans on this site: My heartbreak, my rules. He betrayed you. He's asking you to give him a second chance. You get to decide if that happens but it sounds as though you're willing. Now...what does that look like? What do you need from him in order to give him that second chance? Does he need to seek counselling to figure out why he risked his family for someone who doesn't matter to him? What stories was he telling himself that somehow made the affair okay in his eyes? Do you need access to all electronics so that you can ensure he's not in contact? (I would urge you to insist on NO CONTACT and to check, in the short term, his texts/e-mails/etc.)
      As for how you're feeling, of course you feel humiliated and devastated and incredibly sad. He did something horrible and he did it under your nose. You have every reason to feel all those things and more. So let yourself feel those feelings. They're legitimate. It's great that you can see remorse in his eyes but what else do you need from him? Do you need support from him when you're sad? Do you need him to steer clear of his family in the short term and support you in avoiding them altogether. I don't blame you for not wanting to be around them. It will be incredibly painful. You might get to a place where you can handle it but don't force yourself before you're ready.
      Here's the thing, Anonymous. You didn't deserve this. This has nothing to do with whether you were/were not having sex. If your husband wanted sex and you weren't feeling it, a mature man would ask you what you needed. He would want to help you figure out where your libido went. I suspect your lack of desire was already telling you that you didn't feel emotionally safe with this guy.
      But he wants a second chance. So figure out what he needs to do to deserve that second chance. You hold the cards here, Anonymous. Draw your boundaries. My heartbreak, my rules.

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  81. I found out last year my husband cheated on me while I was pregnant with his other child's mother. I had suspected it because of social media every time he would be out late the next day she would post about a sexual inter counter with a man.He would always deny it being him because I would question him and I would only do so because I know her. She only made things public for me to see. Things finally came out after I had my baby her and I got into a fight only after 2 weeks of my baby being born. Two months later she spilled the beans all over facebook. The text, call logs. SO much inappropriate stuff. At first I was denying it was him because of the way he was speaking to her. I wasnt familiar with that man in those messages. He made a fake text line to contact her. But he was brutality saying it was him in the text. He even spoke on leaving me for her, saying he love her. Crazy part is that I have to see her every weekend. How do I get through this? How do I stop this hurt. Its so deep buried into me. It just seems impossible to get past, to forgive him, to want to help him with their child. I treat her as she is mine, I have always done so. But its just seems so impossible. I want to get through this I want to be happy, I don't want to feel this hurt anymore. Its like I like him some days and others I cant stand the sight of him nor his voice. I want to get past this so bad but the sight of her just brings some type of anger in me I didn't even know existed in myself.

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  82. My husband and I have been together for 13.5 yrs and we have two young kids. About 4 months ago I found out he was having an affair. He is a functional alcoholic and during one of his alcoholic outbursts he confided about the affair. I have been heart broken and completely crushed with this information that night. I felt betrayed and felt like I got shit for everything that I have put up with in the past due to his alcoholism.
    After the discovery of the affair, he promised to end contact with that person and quit drinking through therapy. He has ended his affair, but never went to therapy. He tries to quit drinking on his own, but won't commit for therapy. I find it extremely hard to trust him again. How do I know he won't have another affair?
    I personally don't see much remorse or guilt in his behavior or body language about the affair. This makes it all the more difficult for me to get over it! He expects me to forget everything, forgive him and move on. He has completely denied couples therapy as well.
    I have tried to put it altogether for the sake of our kids as kids are extremely connected to him. But I feel wronged in every sense and feel like I have to make too many sacrifices to keep it all together.
    But I am not ready or sure if divorce is the right thing at this moment. Don't know what is wrong with me? There will be days when he will be mad at me for no reason other than I won't let him drink. I find this behavior very immature and selfish. But why can't I just kick him out? I also worry how the divorce will affect my kids who are 9 and 6 right now.
    I have a very well paying professional job and I am financially independent, so I know I can handle all the responsibilities on my own. There has been emotional abuse and two instances of physical abuse in my relationship. I am still confused as hell!! I don't love him anymore and hate myself for putting up with his shit. But then why don't I leave him either? I find it very hard to make that call. Please help me!!!

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    1. Anonymous,
      You ask why you're putting up with this and why you don't leave? My guess is that because being married to an alcoholic has essentially groomed you to put up with it. Being married to a functional alcoholic means being constantly gaslit -- constantly told that up is down and right is wrong. That YOU are the problem, not him, not his drinking. You call him out for his drinking? What's wrong with you, you're always in a bad mood. You refuse to cover for his bad behaviour? What kind of wife or mother doesn't stick up her husband? And on and on. I grew up in an alcoholic home and it's crazy-making. It makes us question every thing we think/want.
      But this is simply unsustainable. It's also unhealthy for your children. Leaving their father isn't severing any connection between your kids and him. They will still be free to have a relationship with him. But YOU are drawing clear boundaries around what YOU will and will not tolerate. And you will not tolerate a relationship in which your partner cheated and then refused to seek help for himself. You will not tolerate a relationship in which you watch your children's father self-destruct. You will not tolerate a relationship in which his addiction is more important that you. And that's the thing with an addict. Until he seeks help for his addiction and until he learns how to replace that self-medicating behaviour with healthy self-care, he will always be remote. Shame plays a huge role too, which gets in the way of healthy intimacy.
      So...he needs to get help. But since you can't control him, you need to focus on what you can control, which is you. I would strongly urge you to seek therapy yourself to help you process the pain of his betrayal and figure out what you want for yourself.
      I suspect what you want is a life free of this pain -- this abuse, this neglect, this merry-go-round of dysfunction.
      You deserve better. Your children deserve to live in a home where they don't have a chronic knot in their stomach because of the unspoken tension. (I know that knot well. It's awful and it sets us up for a lifetime of denying our own pain in favor of keeping the peace.) Anonymous, you can have so much more than you have right now. You're not doing your children any favours by staying.

      Delete
    2. Thanks a lot for your reply! It makes a lot of sense and gives me immense hope about my situation.
      You are right, although I have studies a lot of college and make right decisions at work, I have a hard time differentiating right from wrong because I feel like I am so much in the thick of it. I have been seeking counseling and going to Al-Anon and it definitely has made me a stronger person. What makes it tricky in our case is that my husband doesn't drink everyday, so he thinks he can control it as long as he wants and I am the one who has a problem with his drinking. It is a vicious cycle.
      So much has been expected from me to keep the peace in the house that it is not even funny! I am to the point of giving up now. Your response came at the right time!
      Will my kids be OK?

      Delete
    3. My other was a raging alcoholic for ten years (to the point of hospitalization). My father was a "functional" alcoholic. What saved me was that when my mother got sober (thanks to AA), she got me healthy with her. She talked to me about addiction, she bought me the little green "meditations" book beloved by AAers, she paid for therapy for me. Living in a dysfunctional home teaches kids all sorts of behaviours that help them survive the situation but that set them up for unhealthy relationships later in which they either expect their partner to accommodate them 100% (like their father), or lose themselves in the dance of pleasing their partner/not rocking the boat (like you). I'm so glad you're in counselling and at Al-Anon. That will absolutely help.
      Key for you is not beating yourself up. You've done your best with what you've known. Now...you're going to know more and better. So now, you will make different choices.
      Your kids will be okay. But please talk to them about what's happening. The worst for me was doubting my own eyes. I was constantly being told that things were "fine" when they weren't. That mom was "okay" when she wasn't. Even today, my dad minimizes what happened. So does my brother. It has taken me a lot of years to learn that my instincts are usually right and that my senses can be trusted. So teach your kids that. To trust themselves. To be able to talk about their confusion, their pain, their fear, whatever. Listen to them. You don't need to fix it, you just need to give them a safe place to work it through themselves.
      Anonymous, you'll get there. You're taking really important steps to reclaiming the life you want. He can either step up and get healthy (don't fall for his "you're the problem" stuff. That's straight out of the addict's playbook). Or he can be left behind. HE is not your responsibility. He's an adult. And so are you.

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    4. You have no idea how much your response has saved me from the turmoil I have been experiencing in my heart and mind! I am taking the steps one day at a time to leave him. The fear that will kids be ok is always lingering in my mind, but like you said they are not going to be ok in this atmosphere either. I need to start life afresh. Thanks so much!

      Delete
    5. Kids are incredibly resilient. And by creating clear boundaries around what is and is not acceptable behaviour for you (ie. what you will and won't tolerate in your life), you're giving them permission to do the same. You'll likely get pushback. You might hear "you're ruining my life", etc. But that's because you're rocking the boat. And anyone in a dysfunctional family learns to blame the boat-rocker rather than take a hard look at the dysfunction created by the addict. I used to feel really sorry for my parents. It seemed far easier to suffer myself than to watch them suffer. Which is twisted. It was their job to keep me safe, physically and emotionally.
      Which is all a long way of saying, you will get countermoves and pushback (you can read more on this site and in my just-released book: https://www.amazon.com/Encyclopedia-Betrayed-Elle-Grant-ebook/dp/B07GGNHTB4/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1535042748&sr=8-1&keywords=Encyclopedia+for+the+Betrayed). So be ready for it. Lots of people will push you in that tender place -- the one that's full of fear and doubt and shame and "am I doing the right thing?". So brace yourself for it. Your only job is to take care of yourself and your children. Not to make everybody happy but to make the best choices you can for you and your children. NOT the popular choice. The best choice. And you can do that.
      Please keep us posted how you're doing. You'll often get more response/readers by posting on the most recent entry. Some of these old ones don't get read much anymore.
      But hang in there Anonymous. You're going to be just fine. But you've got some rough terrain to navigate first.

      Delete
  83. I have been married almost 10 years. I found out my husband had an affair with his sister in law by accidently finding an email 3 months after we married. He assured me it was before we married and was over. It took a very long time to get through the emotions. We lived next door to the tramp. About 6 months ago, husband & I had a fight. For some reason I knew the affair was not before we were married, and I blurted it out. He admitted it. I keep replaying all the events in my head. It's like I've gone insane and am obsessed with everything. ie We had been married a few days and had just made love in the morning. There was a knock on the door. It was her asking my husband to help her with something. He left our bed and went across the yard to hers! I know I am crazy for doing this to myself. I really had mostly forgiven him until that fight. The bandaid didn't just rip off, the wound reopened and I can't get past it because he won't discuss it. He tells me I need to leave the past in the past.

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  84. My husband cheated 14 years ago. I stayed, but I regret staying with him because I don't love him anymore. My family pressured me to stay with him and not divorce. I stayed out of duty. I have dreams where he leaves me for good and they are the happiest dreams I can imagine. I wake up elated until I realize I'm still with him. I'm still trapped. I think about the affair everyday, after all of these long years. I'm not healthy or happy. My advice is to leave if you can. That way at least you can tell yourself you didn't take crap all your life.

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    1. Anonymous,
      Why not leave now? You're not happy or healthy, which is reason enough to leave a toxic relationship. It's not like we have some finite amount of time post-affair during which we have to make a choice. We get to leave a bad marriage any time we want, betrayal or no.
      Why don't you meet with a lawyer and figure out an exit plan. This is no way to live your life.

      Delete
  85. I have been seeing this guy for 3 years and we thought we were sly hiding other people we were seeing on side. He didnt want to commit to me bevause I had kids already. I didnt commit because I felt I new he was a player and I wasnt 100% over my ex of 12 years. August 2017 found out I was pregnant but I didnt know if was his or one other guys. He new this and decided to stay with me and kinda be a good guy. Then just few weeks ago he confessed to me after 9 months we been living with each other and building our famil he was to scared to tell me as in fear of losing me & family. He had a 1 year old son with his ex-girlfriend and found out by paternity test 5 days before our twin boys were born. Telling me 10 days also before his court hearing for child support and more mess he got into. Let me know this is why his phone was on lock and I was not able to see or know anything because I would of found out. After told me all this and his misleading of being at work but really trying to visit the kid at her house and figure out longer how to hide it from me. It has only been few weeks and I'm doing my best to support and help him through this. Putting my feelings, wants, needs and hurt aside. It has been a ruff few weeks and then he tells me one other reason he had been neglecting our intamacy and sex life besides the secret he held, also I need to fix my girl part maybe with kegels or find a way to make it more pleasurable for him. FOR HIM? 1st off I have been begging and trying to do stuff to fix our sex life and tell him what's wrong and needs fir 15 months then dont do anything g to change or fix but then say that! I just dont know how much more secret's, B.S, betray,lies I can take anymore. I feel like I dont want to be in a relationship with someone who can day they love you but think it's okay to put this kind of stuff under the rug. Act like nothing is wrong and not even care to make things better. I cant get over all this so easily & ignore another child that might be in a custody battle soon and joining "our family ". The sweet words, the I love you, cuddles, kisses and being a good dad but no intamacy or want to make me feel wanted in other ways puts me at my end. I feel selfish to tear up my family over this but I dont feel right at the end of the days and cant get over this stuff. I am at a lost.

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  86. Over six weeks ago. Never thought in a million years been married over 30 years found txt. Struggling these deep thoughts of what I know. He is doing great on his part O Jesus help me move forwards this is soooo hard. I know God is helping me and I will come out on the other side victorious.

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    1. I'm so sorry, Unknown. We know the pain you're in. And how lonely it feels. Yes, you will come out the other side but in the meantime, it helps to have an army of women who can support you. Please continue to post here (the most recent posts tend to get read the most and generate the most comments) and take in the wisdom of those who've moved through this.

      Delete
  87. It is heartbreaking to see how many people have been lied to and hurt. I have been with my other half for 13 years and married for for the last 2. Long story short I found out 8 months ago that he has been cheating on me for at least 5 years. Majority of the infidelities have been prostitutes but also other married women. He was also on various websites, chatting to various women ect. I found out by accidentally readibg his emails.. I was absolutely heart broken. He has been diagnosed as a sex addict. He said that he has changed and he would do anything to keep me, that it wasn't the real him, that he loved me and they were just cheap women filling a void. I believe that he loves me and he has proven that he is trying hard, going counselling, buying tracking devices so I can see where he is. Home filters for internet, he has just basic phone so not able to go online...all his doing,I never asked for any of it. And I truly believe that right now he wants to make it work and would do anything to make me stay. I cant even count how many times he has cried and begged me not to leave. But somehow I just cant let it go. We will have a few good days but then I will just go into a state of despair. I am still so angry with him, I feel like I will never let it go, such a level of deception!!! I want to forgive him, I truly loved him! But somehow I just can't. I keep on remembering all the things he has done ,all the lies, all the empty promises ( our wedding vows). I have done counselling and it did help but I just don't think I cant move on with him. I dont know what I should do,how can I make myself better, how can I move on in a positive way? I don't want to become an angry and miserable person!! Even if he never doest it again and he has truly learnt his lesson how can I go over what he has done? Am I a difficult person? He has done so much in trying to reassure me. He has never said anything bad about me, he says he was just
    a stupid man, an idiot, that I am the best thing that ever happened to him, that I am the most beautiful and amazing woman. But still he cheated ( and he paid to do that ). And whatever he says it doesnt seem to make a difference to how broken and angry I feel. And I just want it to stop. I want to be the old happy, confident self....i want to feel love and admiration when I look at him like before, but now I just feel anger, disgust and sorrow.Thank you for your time!!!

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    1. Unknown,
      I'm so sorry for the pain you're in. I, too, discovered my husband was a sex addict and I, too, felt everything you describe -- pain, disgust, deep sadness.
      Time will help. You need time to grieve. To fully absorb this new reality, this new history. And it might turn out that you're done with the marriage. But allow yourself time to figure that out. In my case, watching my husband work so hard to become a better person helped me gain new respect for him. I came to a point where I could somewhat understand the pain he was in when he acted out. I finally got that it wasn't about me at all. He was self-medicating, just like a drug addict, an alcoholic, a gambler.
      But for now...rest. If you don't have a therapist, I hope you'll get one. It really helps to have that objective person to guide you through.
      And continue to post here. The women here are incredible -- wise, compassionate and they know your pain. It can be incredibly healing to have a community of women who can remind you that you are enough, you did nothing wrong and you will get through this.

      Delete
  88. - [ ] This is a bit different to some posts but it’s something that has broken me, 5 months ago I found a text HB sent to a co-worker, he said it was just banter and a joke from earlier that day , it was typed jokingly but also inappropriate joke or not and it’s hurt me badly, I want to get thru this and thought I would have by now but everyday I think about the text and it triggers extreme anxiety and I’m constantly sad. Since it happened Iv used alcohol as a crutch which has gotten out of control, I have been flirty in text messages with another man, not because I want to but because it hurt that much it was like an in my head revenge.My husband is a good man and great father and husband , he has done everything to try help me and was distraught he had hurt me so much but promised it wasn’t anything but can see how it would look to me.The other woman had also told me it was a joke and her partner wasn’t bothered by it. I can’t get the words from the text out of my head tho , joking or not I never expected this of him as it’s so not him. I want to get past this and be a happy family again

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    1. Anonymous, It doesn't matter if it was a joke or not. To you, it has clearly triggered something deep down that needs examining. If you don't have a therapist, I would urge you to get one. Given your response to this (excessive drinking, emotionally cheating with another man), there's an important message in this for you. I suspect this is unearthing some deeper trauma you've had -- a betrayal in the past, whether by a partner or a parent or a friend. In any case, I hope you won't just let this go. It's time to set clear boundaries with your partner and let him know that this feels like a violation to you. It doesn't matter whether other people think it's a big deal or not. It matters that it feels harmful or threatening to YOU.
      And I hope you'll continue to examine why you're responding like this. As my therapist used to say to me, "if you're reaction to something feels out of proportion, it's about old stuff". That doesn't mean "old" as in "no point in worrying about it now", it means "old" as in "unhealed."

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  89. Thank you , no I don’t have a therapist I was due to see one before we got put in lockdown I was gutted! he is aware of how much it has hurt me and knows how much of an insecure person Iv always been and has always tried to reassure me and never once made me feel crazy for feeling like I do, I have had a lot of betrayals in the past, he is supportive and knows what he did was wrong and not once tried to make me feel I’m being unreasonable over it so I can’t fault him with that, he’s the perfect husband and has stood by me thru a lot so I really want to get past this. Do you think it’s some underlying issue with me then? I wish someone would tell me it’s not that big a deal as then I might feel better haha, Iv had so many different bits of advice from friends and netmums that my heads been a mess, some say it’s totally out of order I can’t believe this leave him etc and some saying otherwise. The thought of the text is the trigger for everything and I just want it to stop and me not or at least rarely think of it anymore. I started struggling and drinking after having my daughter as as much as I love my kids I find it harder than I ever thought I would, OH had to get another job for more money he works long hours 6 days a week and his one day off is one of my days to work. Iv found that really hard aswell. Thanks for replying and me getting some professional advice for once :)

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    1. Anonymous,
      As betrayals go, his is one of the lesser ones, I would say. BUT it is a red line that he's crossing -- flirting tends to be one of those things that, in hindsight, people who've cheated can see that they slowly gave themselves permission for things that led to worse things. So my rule is, if you wouldn't do it with your partner sitting beside and watching...you shouldn't be doing it. Whatever "it" is.
      As for your other question, I think your reaction to your husband's mini-betrayal is telling you that there is unhealed stuff from former betrayals. And that's worth exploring so that it doesn't continue to get in the way of your relationship right now.
      As for the drinking, I grew up with an alcoholic mom so I am really urging you to get that under control now, before it becomes a bigger problem. Motherhood is exhausting. I know it!! I have three teens right now. It was nothing like I thought it would be. My eldest was what they call "spirited" and every day felt like a failure to me. So please know that you are NOT alone in finding motherhood exhausting and draining. It sounds as though you're also missing time connected with your husband. So it's worth a conversation about how you two can find time to reconnect as partners, not just parents.
      Anonymous, I hope you'll see if you can find a therapist who can do online sessions. I really hope you can get to the root of your fear re. betrayal and deal with it so that you can continue to have a good marriage.

      Delete
  90. My husband and I got engaged February 2019. We started trying to get pregnant and eloped in May and 3 days after I found everything. He had been on drugs since January 2019. He had been messaging DOZENS of other women through deleted texts, Facebook messenger, Snapchat...on our wedding day alone he snapped a dozen different women. He tells me it was all harmless, but I have had some of the women send me the messages and while some are just friendly, I’ve noticed that’s how it starts and once the banter goes back and forth a bit is when it would get inappropriate. He’d tell women he dreamed of sex with them, tell them they should get something snazzy from Victoria’s Secret, or talk about our lacking love life. All the while we were having sex almost every day! One night I left on an overnight cub scouts trip with my children (from a previous marriage). He remained home because he had to work. Late that night I spoke with him before going to bed at 9:30pm. He said he was also going to bed. When I got home the next day I found out he had gone out with a coworker, a FEMALE coworker. A month later he lost his job for sexually harassing women at work by getting their phone numbers off the employee roster and sexting them. He lied and gave me a different reason for his being fired...

    When I found out I immediately kicked him out. He stayed in a hotel and got clean and started to go to NA meetings and marriage counseling. But he played the victim saying he only did all of that because he didn’t feel like I really loved him. He’s completely turned it around on me to the point that the therapist basically told me that I either get over this and move on in our marriage or call it quits. She also suggested a book about borderline personality disorder and that it may be a reason I can’t get over all of this. I also know that he isn’t telling me everything, but there’s no way to prove it and he keeps getting mad when I bring up the past. It isn’t fair!!! Tomorrow is supposed to be our 1 Year Wedding Anniversary but we had a fight last week and he left on Friday to stay with his mother. I just feel so defeated.

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    1. Of course, you feel defeated. This is utterly exhausting. And you're being gaslighted. He's not telling you the truth and, on top of it, he's blaming YOU for his choices. He is not even remotely healthy enough to be in a marriage, especially one that has children in it.
      You do not need to decide anything right now if you don't want to. Keep him at the hotel or wherever -- don't let him live with you. Stay in touch as much or as little (or not at al) as YOU want. You get to decide how this moves forward. If he is worthy of a second chance, he will show you that. By being honest, by taking full responsibility for what he did, by getting and staying clean. But I suspect he has a long road to walk before he gets to that point.
      In the meantime, you continue to see your therapist and work through the pain of betrayal. You'll begin to see patterns where, likely, you ignored your gut instincts, gave him benefit of the doubt, etc. You'll learn to trust yourself again. And then...don't ever mistrust yourself again. You deserve love and loyalty and respect and honesty. If he can't give that to you, I hope you'll give it to yourself and move on.

      Delete
  91. I am facing the exact same issue. My husband cheated on me the 2nd time. The first time he cheated was when we were dating and he confessed to me about cheating 1 month before we were getting married. I let it go because he had confessed and it felt genuine. 1 year into long distance marriage after I landed and a month within living together I read messages exchanged between my husband and his work colleague about sleeping together. They have been fuck buddies during our marriage and I had no clue. While I was trying to pay off his debts back in home town, he was fucking around behind my back. This time there was no confession, and it was ongoing. After I found out about the affair, I confronted him and wanted to leave him. He begged me to stay and give this relationship a last chance. Its been a month I found out about this cheating and now I feel I am broken completely. I cannot trust him again for the 3rd time. I feel bad about leaving, I do want to save my marriage, but the foundation is so weak. He cheated on me twice in our 2 year relationship. I question my standing in this relationship altogether. What should I do? Should I stay and make it work? how do i make it work? I don't want to keep watching over my back for the next stab. Help

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    1. Anonymous,
      No-one can make that decision for you. And no-one should. This is your life and you get to decide. Thing is...you don't have to decide right now. You can give yourself the time to feel strong enough to leave. You can give yourself time to see if he's worthy of another chance (though he is on THIN ice). What I would do until you're sure how you want to proceed is to insist on having all access to his phone/computer/whatever. He needs to tell you where he and with whom. If he lies, you're done.
      In the meantime, please see a therapist who can help you process this pain and learn that his cheating isn't about you at all. His cheating is about his own issues, his own brokenness. I would also insist that he seek counselling to get clear on why he's risking what matters for someone else who doesn't matter.
      You'll see a tagline at the top of this site: My heartbreak, my rules. What this means is YOU get to decide what's right for you. Some of us stay, others leave, others separate and reconcile, others separate and realize it's over. There is no right way out of this except a path that takes you toward self-respect and honesty and integrity.

      Delete
    2. I am trying to give this marriage a chance but am unable to decide. I was previously married and my ex husband cheated on me too. The same thing repeated this time again. I am just so tired! I have told him to keep me informed but I cannot always be on his case, I will go mad if I keep an eye on him, also I have never been this insecure, stalker like personality and I feel I have turned into one and I hate this version of me!!! I have been seeing a therapist and she knows my history, she also told me I need to take my time and decide. If I feel I cant take it anymore. I can walk away. He does not believe in seeking therapy and I don't want to be the one telling him this, not yet.. Thank you so much for your help!!! I hope with time I can decide what is better for me.

      Delete
  92. I found out a few months ago that my husband had been cheating on me for a year and half with another woman. He knew her from his band he played in because she was friends with one of the members and his wife. He stayed with me, says he loves me, and got us into marriage counseling. The problem I am having is he never officially ended it. He unfriended her on Facebook and stopped talking to her. He still is friends on social media with her kids and is connected to her on Instagram. He has contacted her twice since I found out and she has contacted him once. The problem is she still comes to his shows and makes it a point to be "Seen" taking pictures and video of the "band". It upsets me and our oldest child (an adult) to see her there. Now she is threatening to file harassment charges against us if we go near her or speak to her. My husband knows how much this upsets us and yet he does nothing. (He is spineless). I forgave my husband but the fact he will not do the things I need him to do to make me feel better about this makes me question if he has other intentions (leaving the door open if we don't work out). He told me he loved her and had a strong connection unlike any he has had before. He did have several opportunities to leave over the time of the affair but he never did. Each time he chose me. I want to move past this but how do I when I have to continuously see her knowing she thinks it is OK since he does nothing?

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