Thursday, October 9, 2014

How Trauma Breaks Open Our Story

People usually only come to this frontier when they have had a terrible loss in their life or they've been fired or some other trauma breaks open their story.  Then they can't tell that story anymore... they hit present reality with such impact that they break apart on contact with the true circumstance."
~David Whyte

They hit present reality with such impact that they break apart on contact. Sound like you? It sure as hell sounds like me.
I hit the reality of my husband's cheating with such impact that I shattered.
And it's hard, when you're shattered, to recognize that this breaking apart might, one day, be exactly what you needed. It's damn near impossible to understand that it's only when trauma has broken open your story that you're able to write a new chapter.
From my stop farther down the road, however, I can see that my husband's cheating – the trauma from that betrayal – meant that I couldn't keep telling myself the story I had been. It meant that, once I was able to pull myself back together, I had to admit that my story wasn't entirely based on fact. It was up to me to begin writing my own rather than let others dictate it to me.
Until then, my story had gone something like this:
I married a wonderful, principled man who adored me. We had three wonderful healthy children. Life was good, better than I expected or, frankly, deserved. The end.
What I tended to ignore because it didn't fit with the storyline I wanted desperately to believe was that it disappointed me when he wasn't able to acknowledge the casual cruelty of his family towards me.
It hurt me when I felt emotionally abandoned after the birth of our first child.
I felt invisible when I would express fairly mundane needs (please walk the dogs in the morning, please have breakfast with me instead of sleeping in...) and he wouldn't. (His modus operandi, which he'd used for years with his own family, was to agree to whatever they wanted and then do what HE wanted. I, a firm believer in taking people at their word, took years to see what he was doing. Which might mean I'm either a) a hopeless optimist or b) kinda stupid.)
And it was confusing to me when, sometimes, I felt like a blow-up doll during sex. As if I – a fully present human me – wasn't supposed to be there, and certainly wasn't supposed to have my own needs.
But by not allowing those truths to be part of my story, I was living a fiction. The fiction of my adoring wonderful husband who would never-not-EVER cheat on me.

Shattered.
Broken Open.

In the wake of that breaking open, we begin writing our new story.
I realized fairly quickly that my marriage hadn't been quite so polished and perfect as I had wanted to believe. I could see just how broken I was even before his betrayal completely shattered me. One of the hugest revelations for me was to recognize just how much I'd already betrayed myself.
I had assumed that my needs were less important than everyone else in the family.
I had accepted that, if his family rejected me on some level, it was because I wasn't deserving of their love.
I had been living my long-held deep conviction that I wasn't enough.
I accepted love that was, frankly, not so great and told myself it was more than I deserved.

As I healed, I began writing my true story.
And in this new story that has emerged, I am learning that I am enough. Have always been. Always will be.
I am learning that, in a healthy relationship, nobody's needs trump another's. That we all matter and can negotiate a family in which that's the guiding principle.
I can now spot the myriad ways in which I betray myself. My clue is a spark of resentment (which, left unexamined, grows to a roaring house fire of anger). When I begin to hear the voice in my head muttering "look how much I do", and "I'm exhausted!", and "why doesn't he...", and "why won't they...", I know it's time to take good look at how I'm NOT taking care of myself. When you hear yourself saying one thing when your heart and soul are screaming another, you're betraying yourself.
But what's clear to me is that all of this stuff, these rich lessons that have shaped my life in wonderful ways and deepened my relationships to friends and family and my children, arose out of my shattered self, my broken story.
It can be hard to see when you're surrounded by wreckage. It can feel like warmed-over platitudes ("out of suffering comes wisdom") that make you want to bash in the face of anyone offering them up.
But it was through my broken story that I gained the control to change the narrative of my own life into something that is far more likely to give me a satisfying ending. An ending, of course, to be determined.

40 comments:

  1. hooray. What a wise and courageous creature you are x

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    1. Iris,
      Not sure why I read your comment as "wise and dangerous creature you are." Wishful thinking, perhaps. :)

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  2. OMG I REALLY needed to read this today (I just posted parts 1 & 2 of how I have betrayed myself over the 10 years of our marriage & his infidelities in the I'm stuck section). Elle, I had goosebumps reading this because this is how I'm feeling now.

    Thank u so much for everything u do & write. Your ability to articulate what so many of us are feeling is amazing.

    I too feel like a changed person. I wholeheartedly agree with ur resentment comment. I resented so many things about our relationship & tried to bury those feelings which led to festering & cold rage. Instead I should have discussed then with him but also should have relied on myself to take care of myself, not expect him to be able to read my mind not expect him to fix everything.

    Sam

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    1. Love your phrasing "cold rage". Man oh man, was that me. Maybe that's why I shattered. I was ice.

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    2. I'm not creative enough to come up with cold rage myself. It's from one of the last books I read. I'll check which one & let u know.

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    3. I found it-- it's in infidelity a survival guide by lusterman. That was definitely me. He describes: the hurt partner is not conscious of the affair but his/her behavior is affected by it. As evidence of the affair mounts, even if confronted by it, the offending mate denies it. The hurt partner believes the denial. A patient describes being irritable & not knowing why.

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  3. A powerful piece of writing. Thank you. Brings to mind John Bradshaw's ideas of toxic shame and how families impact self- esteem. Of course it's hard to be a healthy relationship when you don't feel good enough, worthy of love. As a child , I was so ashamed, embarrassed of having a mentality I'll parent. Even now having an alcoholic parent is more acceptable than having one with mental illness. And yeah, you learn to accept the crumbs of kindness from your partner because after all weren't you lucky to find the prince.

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    1. For me, having a mother who was both alcoholic and struggled with mental illness meant that a "prince" was anyone who wasn't an alcoholic. I was so busy congratulating myself on "breaking the cycle" that I didn't even recognize his other addiction. Sex.

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  4. When u say u had assumed ur needs were less important than everyone else in the family that really resonates with me. I think a lot of that is societal/cultural where girls are raised to be martyrs. That is exactly how I felt. I resented my husbands job because he had such long hours it meant I was always stuck w kid stuff. I actually felt guilty complaining to him because his hours are much longer than mine, his job is more rigorous & physically taxing, & he makes much more than I do. But what I have learned is my wants & needs matter & it's important to show that to our kids as well.

    Sam

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  5. I can relate to your entire story! I feel as if I betrayed myself as much as he did me. I feel really resentful toward myself. I put everyone's happiness in front of mine.

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    1. It's so important to forgive ourselves in this. Almost more important than forgiving our spouses. When we know better, we do better...

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  6. I appreciate you Elle and your awareness of the need to take care of yourself. I am right now in counseling to help with my personal issues I had prior to the affair as well. I have a dissociation disorder brought on from childhood and poor self esteem. I think I finally found a good counselor after many not so good ones. My husband seems to be doing the right things post affair and is more tentative to my needs. I wish it didn't have to get to that point to make us more aware of eachothers needs. We are now 3 months out from disclosure. He opened up about it not me discovering it. Part of that was me not caring what he did at the time so I ignored the warning signs which looking back were there. I just hope that this isn't just all crisis mode that turns into me changing my mind again about being married to him. I had kicked him out prior to the affair at one point. He really is a good person aside from making a horrible decision to have an affair.

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    1. I hope, with the help of your counsellor, you can unpack some of that childhood stuff and refile it where it belongs. Then you and your husband can move forward in creating a healthy marriage, without old injuries opening up.
      At the very least, you'll get clear on what you need for yourself.

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  7. Oh my goodness.this spoke to the depths of my broken life, self. I want to copy it and post it everywhere. Thank you for this!

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  8. I too know that I lived inside a beautifully painted shell of illusion. Did we look happy? Yes! Did other people comment on it? Yes! When others were falling apart did they ask me for advise? Yes! That's how good we looked from the outside. With all that praise coming from the outside I was sure that there was something wrong with ME, because I could not see it. I convinced myself, and so did others, that I might be a bit ungrateful because I was not happier. We were content, I thought, and settled, I thought, so of course the fireworks were not necessssry. Not every day was the 4th of July. I prided myself on the fact that we never fought, ignoring the fact that we never talked either. My H is a bit of an introvert, not prone to grand sweeping gestures or emotional highs and lows. I learned that if he were moved by something good or bad he refused to talk about it. He was so so shut down. I missed when this "shut down" moved to depression. I only thought his escalating drinking was his alcoholism moving into and end game...which was true, but I was so focused on the drinking that I missed the fact that he was looking for satisfaction somewhere outside of me, and even outside the bottle.
    we were both so used to the way things were, we could hardly recognize the problems, let alone address them.
    But that day that I was metaphorically thrown against the wall broke me RIGHT open. Shaken to the core, the soul,shivering in a heap on the floor. You cannot get up from that unchanged. I hate nothing more than the absolute FACT that it was his affair that changed me for the better. That this absolute TRAUMA was the only way the universe could get my attention and let me know there was something better, and I could be someone better, and so could he. I hate that THAT is how deep my denial was, that t took the biggest betrayal on the planet to shake something loose in me, remind me that deep down inside I was right..we were not perfect, I was not perfect, but I deserved better than this. so did he. I don't know how I would have reacted had he ever said to me, "I am unhappy and want to have an affair" ( or a blow job or whatever). In all honesty I think I would have said "well, haha good luck with that" never thinking for one second that he would. No, sadly, my denial was so deep it took a head on collision to wake me up and realize that life is worth living...more happily, more deeply, more connected, less dismissive, less conflicted and way more open hearted. I knew it immediately, but it took a while to putt it into action. I now try to tell other women, "remember to be his girlfriend, forever", in the hopes that they never ever ever have to feel what I have felt. I remind them that they need to talk if they are unhappy...or if their husband seems unhappy or withdrawn. It may fall on deaf ears. It would have fallen on mine. But what I would not give to spare one woman this trauma. To get to a better place without going through this...maybe we can all be the whisper that gets someone's attention before the damn situation has to go off the rails to wake us up.

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  9. This really spoke to me. My husband works 3rd shift, from 7 pm to 7 am, Sunday night through Tuesday night and then 7 pm to 1 am on Wednesday. I rarely see him, so I have a lot of time to doubt myself and to make my feelings invalid. He sleeps so long because he works so much, he works so much over time (even when it isn't required) because he wants to make money for our family. There was never any time for us. No dates, nothing. Now I'm seeing that my "Love story" wasn't so perfect after all. Thank you so much for this blog. I recently shared my story in the multiple affairs section because this is not our first time.

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  10. I think I have almost reached the end of the book that I found here. Last night I actually shed tears of regret. I know none of us can go back and relive the past but in our case I don't know if we can even finish living in the future. I don't want to pretend or complain that my husband was the only one at fault. This book has really opened my eyes that we haven't spoke the same love language since we've been married. We never have talked about anything that slightly resembles our problems. They've only came out in big fights. Like I've said in most all my posts sex had been the only thing that we never fought over. I can't say my head was buried in the sand because I was aware of the problems I always chose to find ways of coping. My theory was if H. was happy then everyone was happy. Back in the day when the kids was home and now with just me it's waiting till the next shoe to fall. Over time he has got so much better that I took it that things are better than they use to be. My husband is also a work alcoholic. He never stopped now that we are together 24 - seven and he's taken over the hole house I let him. It's so much easier than a fight. He waits on me hand and foot so I can't complain but in my mind I know it's another way of control. Even thoe I know this I don't let him know it I just set back and enjoy the fringe befits. Yes when we have pot lucks it's very hard unless I just buy something but after all you can't have your cake and eat it too. Yes even knowing what was happening I let it go on because I refused divorce. Our twins is so different one wishes I would have left there dad and the other tells me if I had it would have destroyed her. I stay I know God hates divorce but He doesn't expect us to be destroyed by another person either. I think that's why I'm writing this post is I had no clue what kind of life I've lived in all these years. I'm not complaining I would do it again. When H. is good he's really, really good and when he's bad he's really, really bad but he's so much better than he use to be. I've been very blessed for I've learned how to pick my battles. I pick them very carefully. Also I've learned that the battle isn't mine it belongs to The Lord. Don't get me wrong prostitutes was in no way my choice but they were the cards I was delt. So whom am I to hold them. If The Lord didn't know that I was capable of playing with the full deck I would have been given something else. Thank you Lord for allowing me to be the one to carry this burden. If H. can see the wrongs in this and repent it would be worth every tear I've shed. Sorrow of the night will turn to joy in the morning.

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    1. Lossing,
      You have such wisdom. You're very aware of the ways in which your husband tries to control you...and I hope you'll both get to a place where he won't try and/or you won't tolerate it. But that will take time for both of you.
      As for divorce, I don't honestly think God has an opinion on it. The God I believe in wants each of us to be able to extend compassion and dignity to all humans, to show love. That does NOT, however, mean tolerating abuse. We can't be our best selves when we're being disrespected.

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  11. I hope I'm not posting to much but lately if I write to much I lose my post. So I thought I would finish up my story on a new post.
    Yeasterday afternoon H. and I went to Wendy's. He took me out for supper. He uses the buy one get one free coupon he always gets the free one. We have both by passed DQ this hole summer knowing what I know now we would have by passed it the last three summers.
    After we ate we went riding around. Going up Main Street we past a hooker or so H. said. I tried to get a good look at her. She wasn't no knock out but seamed to be a sweet enough girl. Even tho we don't talk about em any more I did ask him if she was one of his. Since he brought her up. He said he was going by the way she looked that she was a prostitute. He seamed to know her name. Couldn't recall it but said it was the one I saw that had been arrested that was in the paper. Lord please forgive me but what I saw on the Internet not the paper was guys who wanted to take her out. It was on Topix. I want tell him I don't want him to know that there is such a thing on the Internet. Anyway we passed her and went on up the st. drove around some came back a different way. Well lo and behold there she was standing on the corner ready to cross the street in front of us. H. was going to make a left turn but had to wait for the light. When he saw her he decided to turn right on red. That's when I said well now if she's not one of your girls set here. She want know you. She was getting ready to go behind the truck to cross the street but I know she knew who he was because she stopped and went in front of the truck instead of behind it. Not only was I watching her face with the smile it held but I was watching his face he was doing all he could to hide his. There was a white car pulled in the gas station and she ran over and got in it. There isn't a dough in my mind that she wasn't a prostitute. If she was one that H. had been with I don't know but if he found away to keep me at home it's worked. As of now I'm here most of the the time. I am working on now not letting them make me a prisoner in my own home. Last night I noticed later that I didn't have a panic attack. So I am getting better. I still don't want to be out and see one when I'm alone. Unless we decide to have meat I want have to worry much but I refuse to let a prostitute keep me from the best hamburger in town.

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    1. Please don't worry about posting too much. Share as much as you need to share. Your story just might be helping someone else through their own hell to see there's a way out.

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  12. Sorry just need to get this out but IS ANYONE ELSE HERE SUPER FREAKING ANNOYED BY PREVIEWS FOR THAT NEW SHOWTIME SERIES THE AFFAIR? I can't watch tv without this stupid ad playing again and again for yet another sleezy show that just helps people put this twist on affairs in their mind that supposedly makes it okay for all its romanticizing. Christ there are other ways to be human.

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    1. I try not to watch tv -- it's all crap.

      Sam

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    2. Yes, better half. I keep seeing ads for it and it does trigger me. I'm afraid they're more focused on the cheaters and their perspectives than anything else, from the little I've read about it. No one wants to see or know the reality of what betrayed spouses go through... it's way beyond the understanding of anyone who hasn't experienced it, anyway.

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  13. I don't know if it's just me but since my Dday I can't watch TV any more. We have watched one movie since then. The only thing we can watch together is the news. This I know sounds crazy but I can't seam to do anything that I use to do. My best friend, you name it nothing. I fill so bad for my friend she's always been here for me but I just can't seam to do anything with any of my friends any more. I just want to read. I have no idea how many books I've read. H. Is working on the house and I read. One day I think about the cloths I need to wash, the next day I take them to the basement. The next day I get them washed, then they set in the basket for a day or two then I fold them and put everything away. Then it's time to start over. Now H. on the other hand has almost got the basement done. It's rained here like crazy and no leaks yets. It's a good thing he tore the wall down yeasterday it had mole behind it he cleaned and painted it and put the wall back up. Maybe in the next few days I'll see if H. and could watch a movie together. I have been wondering what his reactions would be watching a drama like we use to.

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  14. Yes better half! I am horrified by them. What kills me is that I KNOW without a doubt, if I had not gone through this I would be setting my TIVO. Here is what I hope...that the show shows the complete and and utter devastation we go through. Not a tear here and there and then wistful "I forgive you's". I want the wife's point of view. I want the camera to catch the utter crushing blow we took when we found out. I want the wife on th floor. Not calmly packing his or her bag and leaving, I want her to get back up and talk and talk and talk and then thrive.
    I want anyone even toying with the idea of having an affair to understand the horrible ramifications that last not just a day or a week, but months, years, even a lifetime. I want it to open some eyes. I don't think I can watch. I know I will not watch with my husband. I know he has no desire to watch, it brings it all back to him and he is very ashamed of what he did. If he did not feel like that, I don't think I would be with him.

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  15. I saw the first episode and I was intrigued. I think the creators are looking at the darkside of affairs (with references to Anna Karenina and Peter Pan). There is no romanticizing or idealizing. Rather, it all has a sinister feel. The 2 cheaters are telling their stories to a police interrogator many years after the beginning of the affair. Two very different stories--highlighting to me, that affairs aren't a joint romantic fantasy but something more complex, painful and ugly.
    There is no aftermath dramatized, yet. I don't know if we will see the real impact- the crying on the bathroom floor, punching of walls-of the betrayed spouse. But I don't expect a glossy portrayal of the effect on the betrayed spouses.
    I used to be a big fan of Scandal and The Good Wife but no longer can watch even though I think the 2 leads are great. This show I was intrigued by and would watch again. But I don't take a black and white view/good or bad perspective on my H's affair, so YMMV.

    -MBS

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  16. Along the lines of two very different stories and of trauma rewriting my story, before I had a somewhat naive view of people & what they are capable of.

    My view now is quite negative & jaded. I still see the good in people, my h included, otherwise I wouldn't be with him.

    I texted my husband last week that what life has taught me is that men are stupid selfish creatures who would do anything for sex & women are sneaky & manipulative & think they can use sex to get what they want.

    A sexist oversimplification yes, but I'm sure a pretty good rule of thumb.

    Sam

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    1. Sam,
      I hope you're able to get through that cynicism. I had a chat recently with Laura S. who runs the Infidelity Counselling Network (a hotline for women dealing with infidelity) and we both noted how we view the world differently. We'll never trust so blindly again. But recognizing human flaws is not the same as condemning them. It's possible to allow that acknowledgment of our shortcomings to create compassion in us. Best of us, by opening us up to compassion for others' failings, we're so much easier on ourselves.

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  17. Yes, they are either one or the other, they are stupid or they think we are. LOL I honestly don't know which. I don't think we will ever get the truth during this life time. No man can be as stupid as my husband was. I love the ground he's walks on but I'm sorry he is totally stupid. Come on you big dump a $$. How stupid do you think that I am? Husband, tried to tell me he didn't know that he could catch anything from having unprotected sex with prostitutes. He tried to tell me he it was the police's fault for allowing that kind of stuff to go on, come on it's after all it's going on right around the police station. Then of all the stupid stuff he even had the nerve to try and blame those poor girls. Then if that's not bad enough he said it was that old creaply a$$ old man who told him about how he was having sex with prostitutes. Even he told H that he used condoms. Even he told my husband that they carried all kinds of diseases. He came home 3 winters ago telling me about that creep. Where was my head while he was telling me about how bad this old man was. And how he hated to run into him up at the gym. Oh have I mentioned to you all that while this was going on he was cleaning my kitchen from top to bottom. Oh well I guess he was trying. lol

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    1. Lossing,
      No matter what happens in your marriage, I envy you the incredible makeover your home is getting. Wish my husband expressed his remorse with a hammer and chisel!

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  18. I can't wait to see my sewing room. I got my closest put back last night. It's far from nice or pretty or decorated. It's hopefully just going to be clean and organized.

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  19. We watched a movie off Netflix called "Thanks for Sharing"....a look at sex addiction.There were moments for me that were triggers but there were some honest views into post-affair life. Such as: The cheater had a hard time having normal sex, the cheater did not want new girlfriend to dress up in sexy lingerie which was a trigger for him. There were some good things about this movie and enabled my WH & I to talk afterwards.
    J.

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    1. J,
      It's great that you're able to talk about it. The movie felt very honest to me, but I went to see it with a friend, not my husband. Not sure he could have managed it without it triggering all sorts of issues.

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  20. This is my first wedding anniversary that I will be spending without my husband. At this point, I have been able to come to the conclusion that my marriage is well and truly over. It cannot be salvaged, nor do I feel that even a friendship is possible with the man who was the man I loved. In the past month, I have had the opportunity to face part of the reality that was my marriage, and contrast it with the illusion of happiness. Like many here, I gave up much personal freedom in order to create a place of comfort for him. I stayed home and raised children for many years before going out and getting a job. I cooked and then cleaned up the kitchen. And all of this was what I was happy to do because I didn't feel as if I were being taken advantage of.

    But I was being taken advantage of! Apparently, the nights that I didn't keep the supper hot for 3 hours after dinner so that he could get a hot meal when he came home, he took offense to that. He even took offense to the fact that I found out about his affair. And even though he at some level knew what pain I was going through, he didn't even bother to really stop the relationship with her.

    In the past 2 weeks, I have managed to climb out of the deep grief I have been feeling. Anger against this person who treated me and our marriage so callously helps. But even more than that, I have been realizing that I am not living a life of servitude any more. I am not going to have to worship at the temple of The Husband and His Needs any longer. I can make choices for myself and my daughters without having to feel apologetic that I really want something different from my husband.

    It's empowering, actually.

    My therapist has counseled me to stick to the things that are familiar and do things that have meaning to me. This means keeping my habits as best as I am able, spending time- and holidays- with friends and family. I have put up a few new pictures, and have put away things that belong to him. So far, I feel that it is working for me.

    But honestly, I am looking forward to the day when I really know that I am through the worst.

    Jen from Ohio

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    1. Jen from Ohio

      I am so sorry to read your post about your marriage. I was just reading older post and saw the other one you left about him suddenly changing his mind and moving out. It sounds as though you are dealing with it in the best way you can. Glad to hear you have a good support as well. I hope you continue to post even as you start feeling better it gives others hope that are dealing with a similar situation. At first that was the same direction my husband was going to move out and pursue that new relationship. We are currently working on the marriage, but it is all still early on. One of my biggest fears is him reconnecting with the ap down the road. It does sound like he didn't appreciate you like he should've and all that you did. You deserve much better then that.

      Jess

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    2. Jen,
      You sound incredibly clear-minded about this, which will serve you well. Many of us make compromises in our relationships, assuming our spouse is also making compromises for us. Sounds in your case as if you were the only one doing that while he did exactly as he chose. I'm sure it will feel liberating to recognize that your loyalty is to yourself and your own and children's needs. No adult man should dictate such terms to his wife. Pity the soul who's saddled with him now.

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  21. I'm so sorry. I know you have tried to make it work. And yes H. is quite distance now too. We worked on the basement yeasterday together but the day before he got so mad at me he blew up at me because I took to long to get my part done. I had needles , thread, bobbings , and the like to put up he had boxes there's a big difference. He seems to not want to touch me any more but he's never been a touch ee person but now it total service. He carries me my food he's cooking breakfast now. He just don't get it. I need to be with him. I truly think it's gone. I guess I need to learn how to handle it. I know he's here. I'm so sorry for you. I will be praying for you. Yes sometimes we have to make big changes that we really hate but why us. We stayed home, cooked , cleaned just like you said but not ENOUGH. What else can we do? Keep us posted and stay with us. We will be with you in spirt. We aren't that far from each other even in distance. Praying for you and your family from KY. Debbie

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    1. Lossing,
      You are enough. None of us should ever feel that it is our duty to cook, clean, care for. That might be how we express our love for our family but failing to do those things doesn't make us any less worthy of love and respect and loyalty. Their cheating is about THEIR failings, not ours.

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  22. Elle, you are an absolutely amazing caring person. You always know what to say. You are providing a great service and a safe place fir all of us. Thank you

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