Monday, September 21, 2015

Silver Linings Playbook: My Husband's Affair Was the Worst Thing That Happened to Me...And Here's What I Gained

I've been thinking a lot about a comment that Lynn Pain made on this post, where she wrote:
Does there always have to a happy ending, something to salvage from a wreck or look for the silver lining? Are we just saying something good came out this to make us feel better? I had the illusion of certainty about my marriage and about myself, I guess. Then push came to shove. Regardless, I think whenever something bad happens we automatically question everything about it, circumstance, ourselves, other people, was I wrong, was I good enough, did I say the right thing - you get the idea. Betrayal is something bad that happened to me but it is the not center of the universe. I have to disagree this time Elle, nothing good came out of this. Nothing. 
And then Mandy, a woman who was conned by a man she didn't know was married into believing he would marry her, a woman who is questioning whether it's ever worth trusting another man with her heart, asked this here
"Some questions for you all – considering what you have gone through, is marriage really worth it (beyond having children)? Would you marry the same man again?"
So I've been thinking a lot about what I write on this blog. 
Thing is, my husband cheated and it was the most devastating experience of my life. There's no changing that. I've also said often on this site that I refuse to say, as another Betrayed Wife puts it, that my husband's affair was the best thing that happened to me. It was not. It was the worst thing that has happened to me and I wish it never had happened. 
But...and this is my point: that doesn't mean that good hasn't come of it. And it doesn't mean that I can't celebrate the good that came of it. It forced me to do some reckoning re. my past. It forced me to consider what kind of marriage I wanted and create that with an intention that I was lacking. It helped me connect with some really incredible women – both in real life and on this blog – that have enriched my life in so many ways. It gave me the strength to cut some people out of my life that were not good to me or for me. 
Those are all really positive things that have helped me create a life that I love.
Of course, I might have achieved those things in other ways. Lots of people do.
But that's not what happened to me. I can't change what happened to me and wishing I could kept me in a state of misery for far too long. This is the hand I've been dealt. 
This is the hand we've all been dealt. And yes, we can be outraged that our husbands cheated on us. We SHOULD be outraged that they cheated. We did not deserve this pain.
But at some point we have to stop wishing this never happened and accept that it did. And then, we get to decide where we go from here. 
Some of us feel that our only options range from lousy to worse. And when our choices are stay in a marriage with somebody who we can't imagine ever trusting again and leaving someone we still love because we can't imagine ever trusting him again, it's true: The choices do suck. Either way, we're left with a whole lot of pain to wade through. 
I wrote to Mandy that I can't really answer her question because it assumes that any alternative would have been better than my husband's cheating and I have absolutely no way of knowing that. It feels like a fool's game to believe that any other option would have guaranteed me greater happiness. 
So I'm back to accepting my reality and figuring out where I go from here.
I've chosen to stay and create, as Esther Perel puts it, a second marriage with my first husband. It has not been easy. But I have yet to meet the wife or husband, even in marriages without infidelity, whose marriages have been easy. And, to date, our marriage has a deep love and an ease that many don't. Who could have imagined that? Not me way back when. But, as I've often said, storms make better sailors. Unless, I suppose, if the storms kill you.
I hope, Lynn, that something good does come out of this for you. And if it sounds as if I'm suggesting that you make lemonade out of lemons, well I'd rather be drinking that than the salt of my own tears. I've made the choice to focus on the good that came of this, even if that good came at a huge cost, and I have no regrets. That's not to say that staying is the right choice for any of us. I would be walking the same path, I suspect, if I'd left: My story has as its center the place where I'm free, not the place where I'm stuck.
Lynn and Mandy, you're both still drowning in the pain of this and it can be hard to see any silver linings. They might not be visible yet. Nothing prepared me for the agony and trauma of my husband's betrayal. And frankly, I could have written both your comments when I was still writhing. What the hell?? I couldn't begin to understand.
But I paid attention to the silver linings when I did begin to see them. I saw no point in ignoring them. 
And I see no value in hardening your heart toward any possible love. It will save you from pain, sure. But it will remove you from anything else worth feeling. 
My hope for both of you, Lynn and Mandy, is that you continue to work through this pain. That you keep your hearts soft, that you slowly learn to trust yourselves thoroughly enough that you can recognize those in your life whom you can also trust. And I hope the day comes for each of you when the silver linings become clear and even if, like me, you can never believe that this was a good thing, you can still acknowledge that good things can come of horrible things. And that the suffering you've experienced has carved in you spot big enough to hold your enormous hearts.  

60 comments:

  1. As I approach 1 year since dday in only a few days I find myself feeling like my emotions are all over the place. I am sad and hurt and even though I remind myself that he is doing everything right now I can't help thinking that he did something so wrong and that he is only doing what he was always supposed to have done. The pain feels different to how it did a year ago but everything still hurts so much. I don't really want to think about dday and I don't want to give it any significance. I want it to pass like all the other days because the thought of making it seem important makes it unbearable. That's the day my world was broken I don't know if this is the right thing to do but I'm not sure how else to get through the day. I have been thinking about it alot and why should that date feel any worse than the day before or the day after. I still ask myself why? Is it just that 12 months isn't long enough to heal from this that I wonder why still, that I wish I could turn back the clock. Will these thoughts seem insignificant one day? I'm not sure if the pain is less or am I just learning to live with it? I still check his phone, I still feel anxious but I have stopped asking for details. I do what you suggest and wait for 24hrs before I ask him, the details hurt and they don't change the fact that it happened. Sorry for rambling on, my head just feels all over the place at the moment. I do love him. I know he loves me, I just wish he had shown me how much by not letting this happen to us. Sometimes I wonder if I'm not allowing myself to be happy like I was because I'm scared that he will forget how much what he did hurt me. I know if I don't I'm letting her steal my life. She already stole this past year and the year that he was with her. It's just hard to try and leave the sadness behind even when you know you should. Thanks for listening and I hope you all find some happiness in your day and that the dark clouds start to shine a little.

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    1. Alone,
      Yes, I think 12 months seems long...but is rarely long enough to get close to the edge of the dark woods. Keep doing what you're doing. Pay attention to the little things that give you even a sliver of joy. You'll get there. There's no "right" way to respond to this. If ignoring D-Day feels like the thing to do, then do it. If acknowledging it feels like the best way to deal with it, then do that. We each walk our own path toward healing.

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    2. I agree. 12 months seems like forever, but it isn't. I'm at 15 months, and even that is far better than where I was at 12 months. Anti-versaries also hit very hard. The one-year of the night he cheated I cried like I hadn't cried in weeks. I had my face shoved in the mattress and pillows over my head, trying to muffle my screaming sobs because I didn't want our son to hear me crying. My husband just lay there holding me, saying, "I'm sorry. God, I'm so sorry. I can't believe I did this."

      Alone, I remember struggling with the exact same thing: that if I get better, maybe my husband will forget just how badly he hurt me and he might do it again. Maybe he will take it for granted that since I made it out okay, what he did is no big deal, when it was the worst thing that I've ever endured in my life (and I'd already been through a lot of crap!). But I've realized that I don't want a man who only stays faithful because I'm sad. If that's the only thing keeping him from cheating again, then he can GTFO. And I know deep down that's not why he's staying faithful now.

      You will leave the sadness behind, a little at a time, when you are ready. Please don't beat yourself up because it's taking longer than you would like. ((Hugs))

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  2. Elle, you describe the tangle of emotions so well.

    My husband's confession was the catalyst for me to finally discover myself and learn to love myself like I never did before. And like you, if someone had told me that would happen in the wake of D-day, I would have said, "Are you effing kidding me?" because at first, I hated myself like never before. I could not accept that this was nothing to do with me, after all, I'm the woman he cheated on!

    I wish that my husband had never been a porn addict. I wish he hadn't spent 12.5 years lying to me and starving me of sex and affection. I wish he hadn't cheated on me. I wish none of that had ever happened. But I will take what I can out of this. That doesn't mean I will ever think that what he did was a good thing. But I will move on. This stole so much of my life. I refuse to let it steal the rest of it.

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    1. "I refuse to let it steal the rest of it." Hallelujah for that, Gee.

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  3. What have I gained? I was reminded how strong I am in times of great stress and yet how vulnerable I was in 'blind trust '.
    I gained a new found depth of respect from my h for me for how I responded to the ow the many times she made contact!
    I have some days where I question the reason he felt he needed the affair but for the most part I accept his mid life crisis and the fact that we did marry young and for the wrong reasons.
    I have put forth a great deal of work towards forgiveness to myself my spouse and the ow.
    Do I still have days that I feel the anger and pain of it all yes but not as many and not as often.
    I spend one day a week taking my mother to the store or her different dr appointments. I busy myself with gardening and walking my dog or painting clouds and sunrise pictures. I mostly stay busy with happy work to keep my mind from the bad thoughts! That stop sign at the end of the road we live on is in my view all day! Thanks for that one Elle!

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  4. I don't know why but this post reminded me of Steel Magnolias the movie Shelby talks about having 30 minutes of wonderful instead of a lifetime of nothing special and although her reference was to a baby I guess it could relate to us to my husband brought me a lot of joy some moments I wouldn't trade for the world and with that now some heartache too but nothing in life is perfect and some of the most perfect moments are ones with imperfections so although this is not the path I would have chosen Nora heartbreak that I would ever want to feel again or one that I would have felt in the first place this is my journey I can't undo the past I can only look to the future which is going to take a lot of time healing and hope to find the sparkle in the little things it seems to be my mantra these days

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    1. Thank you Wounded. You reminded me how I have always felt that if you do not know sadness, you do not know if Joy. As much as I've always believed this in my day-to-day life… Somehow I didn't apply it to my marriage… Until now. Your post helps me to see that my marriage and all of those joyous, wondrous moments in my marriage prior to DDay and even during the affair ... they were - and are - real and true and cherished. And I feel good. Thank you.

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    2. I went through a period of numbness for quite a while -- around year two, I think. It was my therapist who pointed out that I'd done such a masterful job of bottling up my pain in order to get through my days...but that also meant I'd bottled up every other emotion too. You can't have joy without also opening yourself up to pain.

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  5. Thanks Elle--thank you. It is SO hard to explain the difference between the two things because they are intertwined so deeply, but you've done it. you've done it. Maybe the affair in ITSELF was the worst that could happen, and finding out FELT like the worst thing that's happened- that's my story. Living Hell comes close to describing it--almost. It's what I have learned after finding out which has made the difference. If he had not been discovered and the affair had never been on my radar I might still be sitting here with a vague feeling of something just not right and thinking "well, this is just how these things go" But armed with the knowledge I had a choice on how to proceed. Has my relationship changed for the better? YES but more importantly maybe, I have learned what makes me tick, what makes me react, what makes me--me. I don't know any other catalyst that would have worked, and would probably change it for many other things, almost any other--- but this is that catalyst I was given. That is a fact I cannot change, no matter which star I wish on.

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  6. Thank you Elle. I live my life by saying that everything happens for a reason and it all happens for the Ultimate greater good of the universe. ( having said that, I cannot even begin to imagine what it would be like to have a loved one murdered or something so tragic ). And if the good is not apparent, I will make the good. I work with geriatric clients and I am so fortunate to hear and see and feel their view of the world. One cents client, 90 years old, I am exceedingly close to… She knows of my husband's affair. She said to me the other day, enjoy every moment of life that you can, even with everything you're going through Dear. She also said something very cute to me one day… She said, you ask too many questions… You get too many answers. :-)

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  7. I wish I was where you are and Elle you are the only reason I'm trying to travel light. I never travel light. I carry everything when I'm going somewhere or nowhere. I carry a flash light, chips, barbecue grill, lip sticks, electric curlers, anger, pain, pity, spare tires, cooler, extra underwear, satellite and a electronic device that flashes incase I'm without a life raft in the middle of the ocean. I have a huge designer purse full of doubt and a flat bed truck on the farm full of fear. I'm in a race to save myself but I have to drop some stuff. I know it but just can't seem to let go.

    You are the virtual yet real person Elle who says "set that down, I'll carry that one". "Hey you there, yes, I'm talking to you, I think that one is too heavy, let us help you." "Aren't you getting tired, that bag isn't even yours, are you nuts?". "Let me take that one bag while you hold on to the rest and let's talk about ways to travel light". "How can you hug anyone when your arms are so full?". "You are pulling more stuff than a train please set that down before you hurt yourself."

    Elle, My mind is exhausted by the end of the day. If I let go when I set down the load, looking for the good in this mess maybe I can stretch instead of being stooped over, look up at the sky, see that silver lining you and others are talking about. I believe you Elle.

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    1. Lynn,
      Maybe there's the silver lining right there. The need to put down so much of what you carry.
      We can only control ourselves. Not our feelings but our actions. And that is enough. That is a huge lesson but one that pays huge dividends.
      Empty out that "huge designer purse full of doubt" and your "flatbed full of fear" one bit at a time. Loosen your grip just a little. You'll have days when you revert to those time-worn survival strategies. But when you can, try and let go. It will feel terrifying. But it might also feel the teensiest bit exhilarating. And it will give you a taste of what life is like when you live it on your terms. When you release yourself from having to hold so tight to what matters out of fear that it will slip away. Trust that you don't need to hold so tight. What matters will stay close...or it won't. But you never could control even when you thought you could. And you can stand strong either way.

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    2. And this Lynn: The moral of the story? Pay attention to the sunshine. Notice the singing birds. Put down whatever woman you keep carrying:
      Two monks were strolling by a stream on their way home to the monastery. They were startled by the sound of a young woman in a bridal gown, sitting by the stream, crying softly. Tears rolled down her cheeks as she gazed across the water. She needed to cross to get to her wedding, but she was fearful that doing so might ruin her beautiful handmade gown.

      In this particular sect, monks were prohibited from touching women. But one monk was filled with compassion for the bride. Ignoring the sanction, he hoisted the woman on his shoulders and carried her across the stream--assisting her journey and saving her gown. She smiled and bowed with gratitude as he noisily splashed his way back across the stream to rejoin his companion.

      The second monk was livid. "How could you do that?" he scolded. "You know we are forbidden even to touch a woman, much less pick one up and carry her around!"

      The offending monk listened in silence to a stern lecture that lasted all the way back to the monastery. His mind wandered as he felt the warm sunshine and listened to the singing birds. After returning to the monastery, he fell asleep for a few hours. He was jostled and awakened in the middle of the night by his fellow monk. "How could you carry that woman?" his agitated friend cried out. "Someone else could have helped her across the stream. You were a bad monk!"

      "What woman?" the tired monk inquired groggily.

      "Don't you even remember? That woman you carried across the stream," his colleague snapped.

      "Oh, her," laughed the sleepy monk. "I only carried her across the stream. You carried her all the way back to the monastery."

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    3. Lynn Pain, TryingHard

      Lynn I have read your above passage 5 times today, out loud to my husband and also to a dear friend (another veteran of betrayal) sitting across from me at my kitchen table. We laughed and also cried we get it. And I feel the exact same way....and also that Elle has often with her writing.... pulled my ponytail..... more than once....so I have to turn and look at the leaf falling and put down my machete! And Lynn I still carry the image of you alone behind a locked bathroom door crying. I will forever hold you tenderly in my heart. As I do everyone here.....

      Elle and people like her provide a safe place, and compassionate outlook, so that we can as Judith Herman says, "Share the burden of our grief."

      And Tryinghard below painted the perfect picture of what I also experienced, earning my private Ph.D. in infidelity and all those years and all those tears......Me Raccoon faced and ritualistically washing the data and facts, hearing the stories.....

      Recently I have struggled with my own hard headed stubborn self righteousness. (I still want to kill the OW five years out). And the flip side of that coin - of my husbands narcissism and sense of entitlement (which allowed him to maintain decades of lies and deceit) is my own face. Yeah me on the other side outraged......not letting go of my hatred......Stiff necked and placing idols of vengeance on the alter. Who am I God? Don't I UNDERSTAND I can't change other people? I AM THE STIFF NECKED MONK Elle was talking about I will not put my sense of outrage, injustice and need for retaliation DOWN.

      So I am Working on it by starting to get back on my knees and while praying for others, practicing handing it over.....

      Underneath of course is anguish, pain and pleading "Please don't shame and humiliate and please hurt me this way...and how could you do this to someone, who can't even kill a spider?"

      Love to all
      val

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  8. Beautiful response Elle. You always mention Brene Brown, and I just got Rising Strong, her latest book--- and it speaks exactly to this.
    Here is a great link to the new book and a podcast about the qualities that allow for people to rise up from a deep fall.
    http://us2.campaign-archive2.com/?u=13eb080d8a315477042e0d5b1&id=a06f2bb48a&e=b2dbad0745&mc_cid=f044b3eacc&mc_eid=bc7d1a7c43

    As painful as it is to recognize, I am missing some of those qualities, and unfortunately have many of the qualities of people who have a harder time finding happiness and what she calls "whole hearted living." So rather than continue dwelling on my suffering and what was done to me, I am working on learning new ways of being in the world that will help me find happiness and wholeness.

    MBS

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    1. MBS,
      Me too. Vulnerability is still so tough for me. I've spent so much of my life with a hard shell. It became more aware of this when my daughter was feeling so sad re. that idiot boy (see blog post "Heartbreak at Any Age". And I remember how I refused to let myself cry over my own teen heartbreak. I just refused. I thought it was weakness. Took me decades to realize that vulnerability is strength.

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  9. I'm so different from the day before I found out. In a way I've been set free to become the me I had always kept hidden.... I am always a lady but I hid an edginess that said I stood for something more than what was being given. I realize now that I am worth so much more than I ever had imagined. Yes, my pain was excruciating, but with time it's been being replaced with strength. Sometimes I do miss the naive me that was even kinder, but today she came back in an act of kindness and caught me off guard.
    Who knew..... I'm becoming an even better version everyday.... A work in progress.... I can't change what happened but I can change how I let it affect me and his I live my life. Building sand castles after the hurricane hit the beach so to speak. I gave up control and have gained an even firmer grounding. Love you girls- Ann from Texas

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  10. Ann from Texas,
    I LOVE that you're becoming an even better version every day. Sandcastles after a hurricane is a perfect metaphor.

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  11. I was about 2 weeks out of DDay 1 when I saw Mr. & Mrs. My Husband's Affair was the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me on the Today Show. As my un-bathed, not eaten for 10 days, puke breath, tear swelled eyes, scared shitless self stood in front of that television drinking a cup of warmed up coffee from the previous day's brew because God knows I didn't have the strength to even make my morning coffee--I swear to God it was everything I could do to keep from pitching that coffee cup and it's vile contents at the television. I swear had I eaten even a single saltine that morning I might have had the energy to do it. I stood there gobsmacked, Who the Fuck were these Freaks???

    How dare they go on television and minimize MY pain, MY fear??? How dare they make an industry built on pain, and lying, and betrayal. How dare she say she barely even thinks of the affair again! I wanted to smash both their smug little faces. Oh no Mr and Mrs Goofball, this event would be seared into my psyche FOREVER.

    So what do I do that afternoon? Ha, I ordered the effing book!!! These people were insane. Six years to get over it?!? Are you kidding me? I could get a PhD in that time. Aren't there better ways to spend your time? But curiosity got the better of me and I ordered and read the book. Ok, not exactly the best advice and written pretty simplistic, but it did offer a little glimmer of hope. No, I was not the betrayed that was going to take construction paper examples to the OW and explain how she interfered in my life and to kindly butt the fuck out! Oh no I was going to put my bad ass, big girl panties on and deal with it MY way. I was not going to write a book and go on television and make light of it. This was a bullshit deal and would never give it the credit as being something "good" that happened to me. But decided then and there to get really smart about infidelity.

    So OK that book and the 20 ensuing books I read taught me A LOT. This was before I had ANY idea there were blogs like this one out there. I read plenty of expat blogs about people living in different countries and cooking blogs etc but I had no idea a simple Google search would bring me to so many people that were in the same boat I was in weathering this impossible storm.

    What I have found is I have gained INCREDIBLE wisdom reading your stories, feeling your pain and strengths. There are so many sides to this process. Yes we are still mad, some many years out, yes we still experience triggers at times, yeah we don't want to let go of that gold brick as we swim for our lives because God knows if we do he will def do it again!!! Yes we all have convoluted ideas about that. And oh how we know how to give just the right advice to help someone else move on from the experience but have a helluva time taking our own good advice.

    All of you have such great words and great stories. You all have added so much depth and dimension to my own healing experience. When I read Lynn's pain it teaches me to embrace my own and know it's normal. She puts my hurt into words. When I read Elle's beautiful encouraging words it gives me hope and faith that life will be ok if it actually isn't already. When I read of the newly betrayed's pleas for help it softens my heart and makes want to reach right thru this screen and hug them and reassure them it.will.be.ok. All our experiences are valid and relevant. All of us matter. There is NO wrong or right way to go through this. There is no real time line. Timelines, like everything else, acceptance, forgiveness, peace, satisfaction, ebbs and flows. Go with it. Move with it and know yourself first. Then and only then can you deal with your husband and marriage.

    I love the saying Elle used here, "Storms make better sailors". It's true. I am a better sailor!!!

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    1. TH,
      Wow. That's an incredible post. Thank-you for that. I do believe the value of this blog lies in the compassion and support that each of us expresses for the others. There's huge healing in sharing your burden and having others hold you up until you can stand again.

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  12. I just wish it didn't have to be this hard and take this long. I feel like I take steps to move foward -let's spend the day at the park, visit the zoo, create new, genuine memories for our family- and next thing I know, a woman is walking by wearing a bracelet similar to the one my H got the ow and now I'm once again at that place where i see him walking into the store, looking at the jewelry, picking one out for her. It shatters my soul and it ruins the beautiful day we have been having. It seems to undo all the peace I knew during the last couple of weeks and I'm back sobbing every night, angry. I hate that as much as I know I'm better than her- there's still a part of me that feels vulnerable when it comes to sex. I hate that he pursued this relationship and now there's someone that I compare myself to- that he chose over and over again instead of me.
    How are two broken people supposed to rebuild a marriage? I want to tear myself open and let all this pain out. I hate that I love and hate him so much. I hate that I know so much because I asked questions and I hate that if I didn't ask- my imagination would have killed me. I hate that part of me asking so much is because of shit he said when he was having the affair. I hate that my husband has such capacity to be an asshole. I hate that my babies see their mom crying- I'm supposed to be their safe place- how safe can they feel when I'm so messed up. God help me because I can't do this on my own. God help me.

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    1. Lea,

      I can hear your pain screaming out of this page. I know I felt the exact same way for many months. It will get better. It does get better. The triggers are intense, that is ok, they do get less but man I had to work hard to get to see , it's just a bracelet, chair, truck, house, courtyard, (which I still hate by the way), farm, mule, restaurant, I even dreaded coming back to my town! I would say I don't want to go home and start crying. My whole friggin town was a trigger. Do what you need to do to feel better, let it all go, I threw away every piece of clothing and jewelry that touched him which may have touched her. I did whatever made me feel good at the time. My outlet seem to be destructive stuff like tearing up, trashing, breaking, throwing it felt good to me than I spent so much money on me he had to cash in some of his 401k. But even all that did not even the score. The worst in my life already happened so there was nothing left that bad that could be worse so I just let it rip. I can riled up just thinking back. There will be days that start out perfect and end up in a mess, that is ok. I momentarily felt bad but not that bad.

      As far as competition with the OW, I think everyone has to find their own way to reconcile this burden. I put the OW address in my GPS off to her house off I go. "Grandma what big eyes you have? The better to see you with. "Grandma what big teeth you have?". I was the wolf but I got what I needed to bury her in my mind. I'm so much better than her in all ways and confirmed his tale of woe. Their stories matched.

      Hang in their it is pain like no other but keep venting here, it was my only outlet. And it helped me. Hey, I'm still messed up but working on it. One more thing I wanted to throw my husband off the balcony then go catch him. UGH.

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    2. And catch him? I would have wanted to see him splatter all over the sidewalk.
      I perfectly remember lying in my bed, another sleepless night, while he snoozed beside me. I thought of how good it would feel to just cover his face with a pillow and...poof...the source of all my pain would be gone. Fortunately for all of us I didn't act on my fantasy. But it made me smile in that most demonic of ways. Still does. ;)

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  13. Everyone on this site talks about change. Both of the affairs my husband had were devastating to me! I don't thing me changing will help. He needs to change. His affairs have made me question my looks, my personality, my own self esteem. When I decide I am going to leave (each time) I am petrified!
    Of my comfort zone, change, failure etc.
    I hope soon I can have the courage and strength that you ladies have all had. Just really not sure why I have not left.

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  14. Oh yes you can Lea. You can do this. And you know why? Because you have to and you want to. Yep agree with all you said. It's shit!

    Maybe look at it like this. If you have a jar of clear water and then you add a couple spoonfuls of dirt, ok A WHOLE LOT OF DIRT. And you shake that jar up and you bump it and the dirt will forever be mudding up that water. It starts to settle, the water starts to even look a little clear when you put the jar down, but soon you come back and shake it up again and there goes all the dirt swirling around in that clear water.

    You have to let the dirt settle and eventually you will. You will not reach for that hurt or when that trigger visits. You will only give it temporary residency in your head and then let it go. Let the dirt settle if that's what you want, but if you can't let that dirt settle, throw that jar out! It does take time, it does take patience and knowledge and reading and therapy and a whooooole lot of painful introspection about what you want out of life, a marriage and a partner. And there is NO wrong or right answer. This shit doesn't go away any other way. There's no short cut and like I said before I could have gotten a PhD in the time since DDay. What a waste of time and energy infidelity is on everyone.

    You'll get there, I promise you. Hugs

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    1. That's such a brilliant analogy! Let the dirt settle. Doesn't mean it's not there...but it's not longer obscuring your vision of what else is there.

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  15. Lea
    My heart aches for your pain! I know that deep pain and I know it takes a long time even if our h does all the right things, it takes time to really feel the pain and then let it pass you by and enjoy the small things in your day! I found it is ok to love him one minute and the next hate and anger spew into my head and heart. I just don't choose to let the anger over power me like it did the first six months she was constantly texting me and my h. I truly didn't know if I could ever feel good again! Reading this blog has given me such courage as I listen to the other ladies who are much wiser and further along the path to healing. I've taken the advice and applied it to me and slowly but surely it is getting better. You have to believe in yourself! You are stronger than you think remember how easy childbirth was or how hard it was...different for every birth but you did it and you can find your inner peace again! I have days where it's not so good but then I find myself a piece of happy space somewhere and soon I find i have made it through the day. Remember you are the one that has integrity and dignity! On the days you need to cry get those tears out! Holding them in just prolonged it for me' I'm a very emotional person to begin with. I can cry at commercials. This pain had me in tears for months! I grieved for my marriage as I was grieving for my sister. I had days no weeks that I know I did the house work but I also had those where I didn't do anything but cry all day. I started walking my lab for her health and ended up losing weight and gaining my mobility. I have severe arthritis and several degenerated disks. I allowed this to turn me into a sit around do nothing kind of woman. All I'm saying to you is we all feel your pain and know that each of us have had to find the path that works for me. I learned that I am responsible for me and I want better for me! You will find your path! There really is a day coming for you to feel better! Believe in you! I believe in you!

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    1. Me too, Theresa. Me too! And that's great re. your mobility. Funny though that you began walking for your lab's health. Honestly, we women. What does it take to get us to put OURSELVES first!!

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  16. Every post I read reminds me of why I keep coming back to this site. Whether it's someone expressing their pain and reminding me that I am not alone in this or someone offering advice from the perspective of having been where I am now or even someone years down the road showing me what it can be like when you and your spouse do the work to repair or even reinvent your marriage.
    I'm 5 months out from the last D-Day and in a place where I can see a lot more light than dark, but the dark still has the capacity to bring me to tears and to fall back into unhealthy self-doubt. Even when I'm in the midst of it, though, i know it's wrong. I know deep down that while I wasn't a perfect wife, it didn't warrant this. I know my husband loved me through it all and that she was never meant to be a replacement for me, merely a diversion and an outlet for the ego stroking and sex he wasn't getting at home.
    My biggest struggle is acceptance. I have to accept that none of this can be undone, no matter how hard he or I wish it could be. And I have to accept why I react the way I do when I know full well it's not my fault. I also need to work on accepting and acknowledging that I am worthy of the love my husband is trying to show me on a daily basis. I need to accept that neither of us is perfect, our marriage wasn't perfect and that not being perfect is ok.
    This process is requiring a lot more introspection than I've ever been willing to do. Prior to my husband's affair, I outwardly appeared to have it all together... great job, "super mom", great marriage. But inside, I was exhausted, often angry and resentful. I've learned things about myself, both good and bad, that I honestly believe would never have come to light without my husband's affair. Who knew it would be his infidelity that would force me, at nearly 45, to face emotions I've been avoiding for years. All of it hurts. There's no denying that. But despite the hurt, facing and then letting go of those old emotions is like having a weight lifted off me and I believe it's helping pave the path for a more honest existence. Sometimes I just need the reminder to be more patient with myself because none of this happens overnight.

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    1. Thank-you for this Dandelion. Like you, I outwardly projected this superwoman persona. Inside I was terrified that someone was going to pull back the curtain and see the fear inside.
      I was 42 when I had to face my reckoning. And yes, I feel a whole lighter now.

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    2. Your story is so familiar .... I am 45 and D-Day was 3 mths ago and it revealed so much about myself as well as about him. 'Supergirl' .... Listened to the song the other day and totally crashed ... It is about me 'Supergirls' do not cry, they just fly. So yes, it is healing and helping to learn from you all that I can fail from time to time and I can not deliver 'up to standars' and I need others to help.
      Like Elle I grew as a girl who had to do much on my own due to toxic father ... And what I learned is that I gained from that experience. And today when he is not here for 16 yrs, I did forgive him and I only talk about positives about him to my kids. So I will grow stronger out of that experience, not yet today but it will come because this is who I am and I refuse to be bitter, unhappy, not trusting the husband, etc.
      Thnak you for sharing Dandelion ... It resonated sooooo much

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    3. Same here. I was a "success story", or so I thought. I came back from an abusive childhood, got married, had a child, had a fairly comfortable life, etc. But underneath it all I was unhappy, and I wasn't even sure why. Those who say "ignorance is bliss" have no clue. Even though my husband's confession tore my life apart, I still prefer to know the truth than to live a lie. I don't have everything together, and that's okay. I'm not superwoman, and that's okay too. I will no longer tie myself into knots trying to appear like I have the perfect life. I don't, but I have an authentic one now.

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    4. Gee
      I hear you! Until the truth hit me up side my head, I thought I had the most wonderful life, just like the movie! My h fell off his pedestal and I may never see him up there again! How ever I can say I see changes for the better in this broken man! No I don't want to go back to ignorance of his situation! I too feel myself becoming a better person! Love and hugs!

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    5. Gee ... amazing your words speak to me ... maybe perfect is overated. Authentic. .. now that's some word worth trying to soak in. Thx u.

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    6. Perfect is over-rated. It's a fantasy. Giving yourself room to be flawed and for others to be flawed is the only path to true happiness.

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  17. Dandelion, your post is just about perfect. It's so not about you, it was never about any of us, it was our partners (husbands or wives) who chose to run away instead of facing an issue. That's what got us all here....to this horrible world of self doubt and anger that we played no role in. But it also landed us here at BWC to see how NOT alone we are. To quote lthe movie "Swingers" --"you're so money and you don't even know it" You are worthy.

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    1. Steam, that was my laugh for the morning. And today I do feel "money"! ;-)

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  18. Dandelion, well said! I share a lot of your same feelings. I feel so good one moment and the next moment I am falling apart. I have such a hard time recently with everything he did. And our marriage was not perfect. But lies for so long and such negative treatment. When I confronted him he always said it was my fault. I don't know. Intellectually I get it all. But emotionally I am struggling still. It has been 6 months since first d day. 1.5 months since d day two. I was doing really well up to d day two and it is just crushing me still. I am trying with all my might to get through this and nothing seems to help.

    Ugh this is so hard and I am tired. How do we heal from 10 plus years of this and is that possible? Even though I am told none of it had meaning and he never wanted to leave me. But as so many have said how do I regain respect for myself after all that has happened much less respect for him and our marriage too?

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    1. Hopefully,
      All I can say is that, at six months out (and then with a second -Day 2 weeks later), I was sleep-walking through my days and NOT sleeping at night. I felt like an empty husk.
      Focus on you. Be gentle with yourself. Know that you're getting stronger even if you can't yet see it.
      Your respect for yourself comes from the deep knowledge that you did your best. That you have integrity. That you are a loyal person.
      Your respect for your husband comes from watching him do everything he can to become a better man, to use this as the chance to know himself more deeply and create an honesty and integrity in his own life. Whether you choose to stay with him is another matter that will become clearer with time. But it's possible to respect someone for fully acknowledging the pain they've caused and doing what they can to make amends and become a better person.

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    2. Hopeful, I hear you. The head and the heart don't always work on the same schedule. I think for those of us still early in the process, it's expected to still hurt. My therapist has told me (and it's been reiterated here and in my readings) that you have to "be with the pain". I initially thought she was crazy and there was no way In hell I was doing that. I was going to rush through this like every other painful experience in my life. But when I learned to stop fighting it and feel it, knowing that it won't last forever, it was a big turning point for me. Keep embracing the good moments and know the bad ones will pass.
      As far as respect, Elle said it perfectly.
      Hugs!

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  19. Well said, Dandelion and so true, all of it.

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  20. A year since DDay today. Finding things hard! Just needed someone to share it with.

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    1. Alone (and Theresa below),
      Anti-versaries can be so tough. I created a day where my husband and I did something fun together. My D-Day was before Christmas so he and I would drive to another city and spend the day Christmas shopping and having lunch and just having fun. It was amazingly effective. What was a day I dreaded because a day I looked forward to.
      You might also want to use it as a day to take stock. You might not be where you want to be but I bet you've made some strides toward that life you want. Give yourself credit for what you've survived this year.

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    2. Thank you Elle for a great suggestion I think I will try that next year. I was worried that if I gave the day any significance then it would be like giving his affair significance. I realise now that acknowledging it is actually giving the day back to us and taking the significance away from the affair. I look back and I have come so far and still have a long way to go but I can see the light now.

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    3. Alone,
      I'm so glad. Focus on that light and it will get brighter.

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  21. Alone
    Just so you know you are not alone! I feel your pain! Mine is coming up in October! Right after our anniversary is the bad one! Hurts like hell! Hugs for your pain!

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    1. Thinking of you. Try and make it a day about the two of you. I think Elle has a good suggestion.

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  22. I loved reading this post. I love that out of my horrible.....something good can come.....even if the horrible never gets better. My now ex-husband....didn't just cheat....once.....he was a full blown sex addict and was arrested. It devastated my world. I was living one life one day....and the next.....I was Alice in Wonderland....wondering if life would ever, ever feel happy again. I am not at the joyous happy ending....and I have days when I cannot see the silver lining very clearly.....but just accepting that this was the most horrible thing that ever happened to me has ben a start. Just accepting that it can become good....I can take stock and find things to work on in me....I can let go of the anger and bitterness....I can find strength to move forward....and I can take this long, meandering tract toward healing....and good......all that has allowed me to begin to move forward towards the silver lining. Thank you for continuing to point women towards what can come of it...instead of focusing on what happened that they have no control over. I didn't choose his life....I only get to move forward in mine. (mybeautifullybrokenlife.com)

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  23. I'm two days out from my world being shattered. I've never cried as much as I have in the past 48 hours in my whole life combined. And aside from crying when I made coffee this morning(because he bought me the mug I guess) I now just feel numb. Like this can't be real. This can't be MY life. I'm trying to feel encouraged by all of you powerful, beautiful women that have been dealing with this for months and years and not just two days. I truly hope I can look back and see a silver lining as y'all have. But right now the night has never been so dark and my life has never felt this empty. I will keep reading for strength. Thank you for this site. At least I don't have to feel so alone in the loneliest time of my life.

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    1. Anonymous,
      You are so NOT alone. There are literally millions of us, each walking through this darkness. But here is a place where we can share our story, where we can support each other, cry together, laugh together. It's where we can remind each other that we might feel broken but we are still whole and that, if we allow ourselves to feel the pain, it won't swallow us. That we will get through this.
      Cry. Be gentle with yourself. Sleep when you can. Eat what you can (I became the queen of smoothies and soup). Avoid alcohol. Avoid drugs. Avoid toxic people. Surround yourself with people and activities that remind you of your value. Support yourself with counselling and with the wise wonderful women here. And trust that the day will come when you are offering support to others just finding out.

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  24. Thank you Elle. It's really encouraging to see women who have made it through this and repaired their marriages. I don't want to give up on what I've worked so hard for but right now I can't imagine ever trusting him again. He says he will do anything to repair what he has destroyed but I don't want to spend the rest of my life second guessing and questioning everything. I suppose only time will tell. I am going to try to find a counselor and I appreciate all of your advice. You're such an encouragement. Again, thank you.

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    1. It's so hard for us to imagine, when we're in the thick of the pain, that we'll ever feeling anything but this despair. It's one of the lies of depression. And yet...feelings are constantly changing. Constantly. You simply won't feel the same way in a month, or two, or a year. So give yourself the space to feel what you're feeling now...but know that it will shift and change, depending on how you process it.

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  25. Do you ever stop feeling like he's still cheating? Every time I see him on his phone or computer I fear it's happening again right under my nose.

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    1. Yes, you do. In the early days, my motto was "trust but verify". If I had any doubts, I checked his phone. Or his computer. Or made oblique inquiries with people he worked with. Eventually my husband's reassurance took hold and it became clear that he had no desire to go back down that path. He traded self-loathing for self-respect. But it takes awhile to trust that change.

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    2. Thanks for the reply! I'm just under two years from when he moved back in and said he's "in" but it's still hard for me to trust he's just on his phone and not sound something to harm our relationship. I can't seem to get past it.

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    3. Consider that you're experiencing PTSD, which is surprisingly common among we betrayed spouses. The world feels unsafe, we're afraid to let down our guard, we're hyper-vigilant to anything that might/could happen. Are you in therapy? Consider talking to someone about this. It's a horrible way to live...and there are ways to help you through.

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    4. Never thought of it like PTSD but that's an excellent point. I'm not in therapy anymore but have considered going back, maybe now is the time!!! Thanks for the support. ��

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