Tuesday, October 17, 2017

Guest post: Time – and you – can do amazing things

by StillStanding1

Time can do amazing things. A deep wound scabs over, and the scab becomes a scar, and then one day you look for the scar and it’s barely visible. ~Neil Gaiman

I’ve been noticing a theme in some of the comments lately, where many of the warriors here are feeling like they should be able to let go and forgive or their partners are pushing them to “get over it” and they feel badly for a) not being over “it” yet, or b) bringing “it” up all the time, or c) not feeling ready to forgive, or d) for still being triggered unexpectedly.
As if there is a timeline for healing. As if there is a set path that we all must follow to get “better” (i.e. healed). As if we are not allowed to feel our feelings. As if we are not allowed to grieve.
So many of us, in the wake of betrayal, rush to forgive. We want the pain to go away. We want this to never have happened. We think, “If I can just put this behind me, if I can just forgive, everything will go back to the way it was. Everything will be better.” But what does putting it behind you really look like? What does that even mean? And what is forgiveness?
I think there are some mistaken assumptions out there about what those things are. That once you get there everything will get and stay fixed. Destination. End. No more worries or pain. We get fed the same ideas around happiness. It’s just not how those things work. Happiness and forgiveness are not destinations. They are choices and places you pass through again and again. The past? This stuff we need to put behind us? Well, it already is in the past, but we will carry it with us until we deal with whatever unfinished business we have back there.
Before we get to forgiveness, there are some other stops we need to make first.

Grief. 
I mean goddamnit, we just had the rug pulled out, our lives were turned upside down, the person we most trusted completely and utterly failed us, broke our trust. When, exactly, should we magically be over that? It’s one of the most traumatic things that can happen to you. So much so that the trauma response gets its own acronym (PISD – Post Infidelity Stress Disorder). When someone gets a cancer diagnosis, we don’t walk around saying they should be over it already. So why should you be over “it” before you’ve processed your grief. You’ve experienced a loss. You get to grieve.

Anger. 
F#@k this sh!t. Amiright? What has happened in our lives, the hurt, the shame, the disappointment, the fear, the loss of safety, the health risks, all that garbage and our partners’ crappy choices are a big steaming pile. Be. Mad. About it. You are allowed. Sit with your anger. Let it rise and pass. You need to have it and then get it out of your body.

Acceptance. 
(Wait. What?) One of the most important tools that came my way early post d-day was the practice of radical acceptance. Because when you stop fighting reality, you suffer less. For me it took the form of accepting the conflicting feelings I was having and stopping the war inside myself. Accepting doesn’t mean agreeing, minimizing or letting our partners off the hook. It means moving from “this isn’t fair”, “this should not be happening” to "this is what happened". It is the first step in healing. In the early days I had to say things to myself like “I accept that I don’t want him to continue contact with the OW AND I accept that I have no control over whether he does or not.” “I accept that I don’t want to deal with this AND I accept that I am doing my best to deal with this.” “I accept that I love him AND I accept that I hate him.” “I accept that I am afraid AND I accept that I don’t want to be afraid.” I did this over and over until the list was exhausted. And I found that after I engaged in this practice, I felt less stressed, less pain.
Radical acceptance takes practice. You can start with little things AND you can begin to target your conflicts and ruminations around betrayal. Little things: sitting in traffic. Late for a doc appointment. You can rage against the cars, the people in the cars, the red light, but none of that changes your situation, doesn’t get you to the appointment any faster. All it does is increase your stress and pain. But if you tell yourself “I accept that I really don’t want to be late AND I accept that I have no control over this traffic that is making me late,” you’ll arrive less stressed. (This also ties in to the practice of compassion for self. You are doing the best that you can to get to the doc on time.) Around betrayal it could be: You are having an epic internal battle. “I will never trust him again… but I want to trust him.”  “He has hurt me so much… but I want him to make me feel better.” “I always thought I would leave if he cheated and now he has I don’t know what to do.” The next step is to accept your inner reality, that all these things are true.  “I should leave him AND I don’t want to leave him.” The reality is that it is OK to be feeling ambivalent.
You’ll pass through grief, anger (and depression, sadness, exhaustion, FTS) and acceptance more than once and not in that order. It’s different for each of us and such a personal process. Don’t worry whether you are doing it right. If you are breathing, you are doing it right.

To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you. ~Lewis B. Smedes

A word on forgiveness. There’s a lot to it. It is complex and deserves its own post. What I will say here is that you have a lot of places to pass through before you even need to think about forgiveness. Forgiveness may happen, may eventually be something you do for yourself, but there’s a mess to sort and some healing to do first. Whether or not your partners can see that, support that or understand that. They do not get to decide what is best for you or where you should be emotionally at any given point. (Perhaps they, too, need to practice some radical acceptance. “I wish I didn’t have to see how much my choices have hurt my partner AND I need to support her healing, so I will have to witness how much I’ve hurt my partner.”) You are allowed to focus on you, what you need and your own healing process and not be beholden to their expectations or wish to avoid dealing with the harm they have done. Be kind to yourself. Accept not only that you are where you are but that you are exactly where you need to be.

Time. 
It can be a four letter word, especially when it comes to grief. But it can also do amazing things. Time on its own will not heal you. It’s what you do in that time and for yourself that heals you. But I promise, if you take care of you, in time you won’t feel like this. In time, you will have a day where betrayal is not the first thing you think of when you wake. In time, you will feel joy. In time, you will feel ready to let it go, to forgive. Just don’t rush to those things before their time.




50 comments:

  1. I love this post. "If you are breathing, you are doing it right." In the beginning, breathing was all I could commit to. Even that was labored and I questioned if I even wanted to. Now that I'm 18 months out, I'm left with feelings exactly as you describe. I'm practicing self care, have boundaries in place, and good communication with my H. He is doing his part. I am doing mine. I feel how we care for each other, but I know that could change on his whim. I expect no contact (and will inspect what I expect), but I am not in control of his choices. I don't want to leave, but I know I can and will if needed. It's a tension. A limbo. But it true and real. I live in a spot where I have to accept 2 realities at all times. I envy people with just one reality sometimes. I could have lived there happily ever after. I radically accept my "tentatively ever after"! It's the only choice I have, and some evidence in my life points to this being a healthier life for me anyway. Even if it's not as comfortable, or maybe BECAUSE it's not as comfortable. I love the radical acceptance practice you describe. I think I've been doing it, but not with intention and clarity. That helps! Thank you.

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    1. Ann, I feel the same way (11 mos from Dday) and I love your "Tentatively Ever After"! Good label.

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    2. Oh Ann I love that. "Tentatively ever after". I may have that monogrammed on a pillow for my bed :)

      So much wisdom here

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    3. Same! Love it "tentatively ever after". So true.

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    4. And she lived "Tentatively Ever After". Love it! It is always a choice.

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    5. I like tentatively ever after, too! That "change on a whim" can happen whether you stay or go and end up in a new relationship. i'm an anxious attacher, and I'm not gonna lie, infidelity has caused me to worry where in the past I would have trusted. I don't talk about that much here, but even with my new relationship, even though I accept and want him to have a life and friends outside of our relationship because that is healthy, I still sometimes panic a little when he tells me he is meeting a friend for dinner. What friend? Is it a woman? How long has he known her? what are they doing? why haven't I gotten a text from him in two hours? ... and then I'm like Oh, wait. That's my brain on betrayal talking. I have no reason to believe this man is double dealing me. In fact, I've got a bakers dozen of little moments that tells me he is not. So that panic is all about me and I need to accept that it is a part of me for the foreseeable future and that its my responsibility to handle. So, long story short, I'm not even in a tentatively ever after (though I look forward to it someday) I'm in a tentatively right now.
      And Ann, I love reading your comments. You seem so balanced.

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  2. Great reminder ss1, exactly what we need to remind ourselves.. went to my cbt session today 1st session so nothing much to feedback other than she tells me there is a fine line between love/hate (true) plus the fact I still have feelings for this guy is the reason why I can’t come to any conclusion on the matter (that’s true too). So for our next session she wants me to brainstorm where I would like to be. That’s easy on a desert island with a big hunk who will succumb to my every need lol. You know what ladies you need a sense of humour to get through this shit, its taken me forever but I can see the funny side to some of his stupid antics. Anyhow I better think of what I really want going forward whether I get there or not is another story. Thanks ss1 you are the voice of reason and we love you for it xx

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    1. Sam A I've come to believe that love and hate are different sides of the same coin. We don't hate where we don't care intensely about something.
      Humor is an essential survival skill. XOXO

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    2. Still Standing 1-
      I read your post a few days ago, and have continued to think about your words on acceptance. I accept the fact that I don't want him to suffer anymore and I accept the fact that I do not think he could ever suffer enough for the pain he caused me. That is the beginning of my list.

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    3. Amen mel, I don't want my ex to live in shame forever AND I want him to understand every day how much pain he has caused me. The whole accepting reality as it is, not as we would like it to be is an amazing gift to ourselves. It also means accepting things that seem to be in conflict but fact is, feelings that seem opposite can coexist. Hope you are doing OK mel. xo

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  3. Oh yeah one more thing the therapist told me today is that given I chose to have my second son to my h in all the disarray means I feel something about him as a person. Hmmmm I guess it does.. I think I look to these therapists for all the answers but they don’t have them no one does .. think I’m more confused than ever lol xx

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    1. Sam A-- I can relate to your sense of humor. My sense of humor has gotten through a lot of this mess. So rock on with that sense of humor. I get it :)

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    2. Therapists are VERY human, and often bring their own "stuff" to therapy. I don't think they have answers and good ones won't tell you what or how to do, but they will guide you to your own sense of what is right for you. I'm always up for giving a new therapist a chance to find their sea legs with me, but if its not working or if I don't think they have the chops to handle my "stuff" I am allowed to end that therapeutic relationship. This used tobe hard for me because I didn't want to hurt their feelings (?!!?! - hello codependent) . I had been seeing a therapist for just a few months before dday, and it had been pleasant but directionless and unfocused. I knew once dday hit that she had her own baggae aroundx infidelity (based on her responses) and that she just didn't have the training to help me. So I kept seeing her (just any port in a storm) until I found someone I knew could really see me through. So give it time, just know that if you end up feeling stuck or like no progress is being made, you are allowed to seek a different therapist.

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  4. StillStanding1 - Wow. Once again, I am so amazed by your words, your honesty and how much I found myself just saying YES, YES, YES over and over and over. And I am still pretty early in this. I have already written down your words that you repeated to yourself about acceptance - “I accept that I don’t want him to continue contact with the OW AND I accept that I have no control over whether he does or not.” “I accept that I don’t want to deal with this AND I accept that I am doing my best to deal with this.” “I accept that I love him AND I accept that I hate him.” “I accept that I am afraid AND I accept that I don’t want to be afraid.” - and added my own. Those are powerful and I feel I need to really say them to myself over and over and over....and over and over and over....

    I commented on the last post from Elle from Saturday, so I won't repeat all of that here, but I find that I just torture myself with so much of the past. Or even with the worry of the future. There are things I know that just torture me and they are in the past but I can't just erase my memories. My husband still works with the former OW and I know that is huge in my feelings/anxiety. But your statement - “I accept that I don’t want him to continue contact with the OW AND I accept that I have no control over whether he does or not.” - really hit home with me. That is the reality - is it good that they still work together? No. I think my husband doesn't realize how hard he is making it on himself - even putting my feelings aside - by still working with her, but while I could give him an ultimatum, and maybe I will - there are choices he has to make as well. Some of his choices are helpful and healing, and some of them are causing me to still be on guard. But I realized that the reality is much of what you and others have described here - at the end of the day, whether they work together or not, he still has the choice if he will remain in contact with her or not. If he wants to, whether they are coworkers still or not, he could find a way. I have to - I HAVE TO - let go of what I cannot control and I cannot control him.

    I am okay, just the way I am. I am okay, choosing to stay with him when he still has contact through work with her. I am okay, even if I am carrying a few extra pounds. I am okay, if I have a bad day. I am okay, even if I choose to do something for me and me alone. I am okay...and I am worthy of love.

    Thanks for letting me ramble. Hugs to you all!

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    1. Jules I'm so glad it helped. The radical acceptance thing I found when I was floating out there in post dday hell all on my onw. It was this sweet little book by Paul Coleman called "You, Him and the Other Woman: Break the Love Triangle and Reclaim Your Marriage, Your Love and Your Life" This is an awful title btw and probably forced on the author by his editor, but it does get his book into the hands of people that need it. It makes no false promises about helping you win your wayward husband back. It really truly focuses on helping you survive, getting some sanity back and self care. Its gentle, compassionate and also helps you come to grips with reality. In addition to radical acceptance there is a great section in there about important conversations with your spouse and how to frame them, calling time outs to de-escalate. Really some gold nuggets in there. And like here, it honors both decisions, to stay or to go. It's free on Kindle unlimited...

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  5. I wish I had this 2 years ago when I first found out about this mess in our lives. But it is helpful for me today. My situation isn't like the rest of the people that read this blog. My husband wasn't a porn/sex addict and wasn't someone who was in his right mind. (being slipped ecstasy in his coffee, suffered from severe sleep deprivation and mixing up his medication because he couldn't sleep, suicide attempt) I know that my husband's choices were made in this brain fog because some of the nurses in the hospital explained that to me. Truthfully, I'm not sure if in his right mind would he have done this. I have no control over him and what he says or does at work. The grief is still the same though but, the forgiveness is different. Forgiveness for my husband was easier but, FORGIVENESS for a group of women who planned the whole thing out is something different and they followed this plan step by step. And that is where I get stuck. I've tried having compassion for these women, empathy, sympathy, anger and hate have all been emotions I have experienced. Anger is the one that hangs on the most. I've been practicing self care as has my husband. I love Brene Brown now and I've been reading anything that I can get my hands on. I've even listened to her on YouTube. But, sometimes I feel like the prisoner that went to jail for something I didn't do while the real criminals are laughing, going on with their lives and playing the ultimate victims so well. And come to find out what we went through really isn't that uncommon. You just don't hear so much about it unless someone has been injured or died. Like a young autistic man who was found recently in our state that some woman prayed upon and took what she wanted and disposed of him. They found him dead two weeks after he disappeared. People tend to keep that hushed up. How I found out about it was through my boss. Her husband knew this young man through church. Control is an interesting word and has interesting actions. How can we ever determine the behavior of people and situations. I guess that is left to our intuition. My husband's counselor told him a few months after D-day that if I can't get past this that he should consider divorce. He stopped seeing her, she told him that her only job was to make sure that he didn't want to harm himself anymore. So much for compassion on her end and I was to have no say in that matter either. Thank God he didn't listen to her. And it took time to get past that too. I felt like everyone had made me out to be this awful evil person who didn't deserve my husband's love or respect. I know different now. Focusing on me is not being selfish it's a necessity. Time will tell what will happen in the future. But I think finding my new self is key to my healing as well as his and our family's. Hearing about that young man today made me aware of how serious what we went through really was and how lucky we really are. Sorry for all the rambling I just needed to get that all out.
    Cathy

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    1. Cathy, ramble away. That's what this space is for, getting it all out. Sounds like your H had a mediocre counselor, at best. It's never a therapists place to give advice about when divorce should or should not happen. Its wildly inappropriate in my opinion.
      And sometimes, as awful as it is, tragedy around us, gives us pause and we can smell the flowers that remain to us.

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  6. Thanks SS1. Yep. That was my h. He wanted me to get over it, to not bring it up, not go over things. Which was really all about him not owning up to his shit and being accountable. He didn't like feeling bad. #$%$##!!!!! I would not let it go. He had disrespected me long enough and he wouldn't give me the time to answer my questions - or make time for us to go to MC. Now I need time to heal. I quite often wished time would pass quickly and I would heal quicker, but, life goes too quick anyways so now I need time to go back to enjoy the long days of life.

    Ann. Keep breathing. When times were getting stressful for me just recently, I just stopped and concentrated on my breathing. It's frustrating isn't it to be living with doing this work to try and heal and not really knowing where their mind is at, not knowing if they will take off at a whim. Glad you are looking after yourself.

    Sam A. I love your sense of humor. I'll book a passage to that island too.
    And of course you would feel something with your husband and to give your older son a sibling from the same parents is very special indeed.

    Jules. I feel for you with what you have to endure with your h and the OW working together. UGGG. Do people at his work know? For me, it was easier said than done, to letting go of what you can not control. Still working on it, so I hope you can find peace here. And you're right. Even though my h had physical and emotional affairs with ho workers, when they were no longer working together, he was still in contact with them. I had no control over him repeatedly making bad choices or no control over these women who would continue to overstep the boundaries of someone else's marriage.

    Elle. Any chance you can have a spot for BWC dictionary so we can have this as our point of reference. Especially for newbies who are hearing a lot of things for the first time (eg gas lighting, triangulation etc and for acronyms)
    Sam A - what is CBT??

    Hugs
    Gabby xo

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    1. Gabby,
      Gulp. I've had a "frequently asked questions" type of post that I've been picking away at for months (years?) but that I never seem to finish. It would include exactly that kind of stuff. But you know what?? Time to f=do it, though I think I'll crowdsource it -- let everyone weigh on various acronyms, topics, etc. and then compile it. Thanks for the nudge!

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    2. I love the dictionary of terms idea, I can help! :)
      And yes, Gabby, emotional immature people do not in any way wish to he held accountable for their actions. They might have to grow up if they did!

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  7. These points are all so helpful! Good work SS1. Another point that helped me, although it was hard to find at the start was instead of "Why did he do this to me" i turned it into "why did he DO this" period. end of sentence.

    The problem was and is HIS, I was simply a clueless bystander. yes he lied and yes he screwed around and in the end, both times he was caught red handed.

    When I asked him early on, what the hell he was thinking about me when he was doing all this shit, he said "i wasnt". I believe that, he had most def created his own world, compartmentalized the hell out of his life and I was not part of it. I never thought that i was, i never took the blame, i never thought that it was my fault, but the thing i had to let go of was that he did not do this to hurt ME, (although he did) he did this for himself and it hurt HIM. Such ridiculous behaviour. It took a while but I to found that humor, Thank god for that.

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    1. Steam I know are d day’s were very similar my problem is/was it was with the same woman. My therapist said it was interesting he went back to the same woman, stating that he obviously gets something from her, of course he does, her undivided attention, she stroked his ego and made him feel special. My therapist then asked if I could do that I replied ‘no’ I really can’t I don’t respect him
      Enough for 1, and secondly I have 2 children to think about firstly she didn’t, the kids come first end of. So I guess looking at the situation from that angle the probability of him starting again with this ow is high. But whatever will be will be like you steam
      I caught my h ‘ red handed’ each time I have faith that if he does it again I will find out. My only issue is I’m not sure who I’d kill first if I did him or her. Xx

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    2. Sam A I am fully convinced that my H went to hookers because he knew they would not say no. Seriously, these girls are good. I was SO mistaken early on when I wrote here and and truly believed that it was all very "wham bam, thank you ma'am" with these prostitutes. MANY offer a GFE--a "girlfriend experience" and it is exactly that, if only for two or three hours. They give out their phone number too so you can keep in touch (all the better for the next round of money). My bet is that your husbands fall back on this OW is the same thing. No real life, no complaining, no take out the trash, no be a grown up. Although my H actually does turn heads, I don't think he had the balls to try to find a normal everyday woman who could reject him and that fragile ego.
      ALLLLLLLLLLLLL prostitutes.

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    3. That’s exactly what it was steam, I wouldn’t be surprised if he had a few prostitures on the go too. That would be harder for me to prove. I’m disliking this man I call my h more by the day. Looking forward to my therapy session tomorrow so I can slag him of some more ..

      thanks steam . Xx

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    4. Steam I agree that shift from "why did he do this to me?" to "Why did he do this?" is so important and it took me a while to truly get there, because his narrative of justification revolved around how awful I was and our life was and how fraught our sex life was. All my fault apparently. So when I came to realize that it had nothing to do with me. That likely, given his past, he would have been here regardless, that I was able to shift away from feeling victimized. He did this to himself and it did so much more harm to him. Fragile egos, amen...

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  8. I've commented before on this site and I realize while I diverged from the view about reconciliation, I strongly agreed with the sentiment that time, and oneself, can create a new, better reality. In the three years since I last saw my husband, I have plunged the depths (finding he lived a double life for much of our 20+ year marriage) and not long after that, and starting to appreciate the utter financial, relationship and parental betrayal my children and I had experienced,I chose to be a survivor, not a victim. Three years on, I have a hard-won divorce and no contact since then; three young adult children who respect my choices and with whom I am very close; a vastly improved financial situation. But, most of all, I have peace and self respect. I have a new partner - that is a wonderful bonus, not my reason for being. I went through it all - multiple partner, fraud on a grand scale, lies, deceit and, ultimately, abandonment. Time had healed; time has offered perspective and personal forgiveness - it is truly a gift.

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    1. I'm so happy for you. It really sounds as if you've found your peace with this horrible chapter in your life. There is no "right" way to respond to this. While we talk a lot on this site about rebuilding your marriage (in part because I had a hard time finding info about this that didn't feel patronizing or un-feminist), we absolutely support women to respond in the way that's right for them.

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    2. Hi Anon-- I am so happy you are in new satisfying relationship with a new mate. That is wonderful. It sounds like the rest of your life is going well and that is the point of living right? Sometimes we have a choice and choosing what is right for you certainly a personal decision.

      I do have a question for you. If your life is going to well and you no longer have to deal with betrayal why is it you still come to these sites? I'm not sure but I think if I'd have divorced and moved on with my life that didn't include betrayal these would be the last blogs/sites I would follow. Or maybe it's that it's an old habit or a crutch to check back? I'm not judging I'm just very curious.

      I'm so happy you have gained a life that works for you. I'm pretty sure you hope that for all of us.

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    3. I think it's great to see your perspective. I too have learned a lot and grown a lot and I really never lost my self respect. i really have learned that I am my own person and not just half of a couple. Walking away however is always an option if this ever happens again, so it's good to see what can happen in that scenario too.

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    4. I'm gladx to hear about the improved financial situation (and the happiness of course) because the financial stuff terrifies me as I finalize my divorce. he makes significantly more money than me and though I get paid plenty in alimony for a number of years, I am looking at a SIGNIFICANT change when that runs out. Plus the burden of selling a ginormous effing house that we both still co-own. My half of that sale is part of what I will need to survive on in old age... I invested so much in his career, to the detriment of my own and am at an age where people increasingly want to hire someone younger for less (and there are tons of those available in my line of work) that I am now trying to forge a different way for myself. of all the uncertainties I've needed to come to grips with, financial uncertainty is the one that terrifies me the most. (my mom's family had all their shit blown up in ww2 in the UK and they were poor, and I mean charity hand outs poor, as a result - I think the fear of that coming around again is in my genes). SO it is good to hear form someone further down the road, where tenacity and persistence have paid off in a better life. I know I will survive and can enjoy whatever I have. I just want to have "enough" and need to think about what that looks like.

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    5. Hi Anon, I am so happy for you, too. You sound like a very strong and courageous woman.
      When you said your ex-husband lived a secret life for 20+ years, it sounds very similar to what my husband did also. He had a secret life of watching porn daily and saw over 80 prostitues for over 28+ years of our 38 year marriage.
      I am 2 1/2 years from D-day, and I am still having so many images, triggers, and feel so much disgust for his behavior. My struggle now is whether to stay with him or not. I am not even sure anymore if I love in the way a wife should love her husband. I guess I thought by now I would have decided whether to say or divorce, but I am so mixed up and confused. He has changed and claims to love me deeply and wants to be with me forever, and all that is healing to me.
      BUT .... then there is the fact for 28 YEARS this went on, and when I feel that pain and hurt, I feel like perhaps it is just too much to heal from, and too much to try and make a new life with him.
      Anon, I appreciate your post, and also all the comments made by everyone. The perspectives and insights are tremendously helpful. Anon, I like that you have gained peace and self-respect; that, I think, is what I am so desperately seeking, too. I keep reading things and posts, and this forum is so wonderfully helpful and I am so grateful I found it, and I keep trying so hard to find anything that will help with my indecisiveness. I guess I need more time and need to keep working and reading and listening, grieving and accepting the past, and perhaps peace and the answers will come.
      Thank you for listening, and thank you Still Standing so VERY much for your post- so very, very helpful.

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  9. Hi gabby cbt is cognitive behavioural therapy not sure how different it is from ‘normal counselling’ I’ll let you know when I’ve had s few more sessions.

    See you on that desert island Gabby : )

    Xxx

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    1. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is very common. Most Doctoral schools teach this type of therapy that are accredited programs. And accredited internships and fellowships follow this. They might have exposure so they have an understanding of other types but this is the main method being taught in recent past and currently.

      It is not so much being analyzed but working through your problems. And my understanding it is a lot about setting a plan up. Not this therapy that is talking for perpetuity. But what are your issues, let's address them, help you to cope of find a solution. And all done within a reasonable amount of time. And if things cannot be resolved what is the issue do you need to be referred or is it not working for you. I would say more a problem solving approach instead of someone to talk to for as long as you need it.

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    2. Thanks Sam A and Hopeful 30
      Gabby xo

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  10. Thank you. This post is just what I needed today. I get overwhelmed that I am 12 months out and sometimes feel like I am not progressing. Like time has stood still. Like I can't decide on anything or any direction. And I get frustrated I can't see the way forward. But I am breathing. I AM doing it right. x

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    1. Luly,
      Twelve months out, I was barely able to tie my shoes. And it's so hard for us to see that we're healing when we're in the midst of it. And it's never happening as fast as we think it should.
      Honor your feelings. Overwhelm is a cue that you need to take it easy on yourself, that maybe you're doing too much, or putting too much pressure on yourself. Frustration means that your reach exceeds your grasp...for the time being. But it also means you're healing, maybe in inches. But it's happening. When you can't see the way forward, stop. Rest. Await instructions from your heart and soul.

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  11. This seems timely. Just read it and continue to ponder the depths of emotion required to achieve forgiveness for my own healing.
    https://www.gottman.com/blog/forgiveness-can-transform-marriage/?utm_source=Marriage+Minute&utm_campaign=d8ccc94cbf-MM_10192017&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_56abe07ac5-d8ccc94cbf-135770425

    I am so triggered by the current news.

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    1. It's tough, isn't it? So much news of men behaving badly. SO MUCH! But, and I take strength from this, there are so many incredibly strong and brave women saying 'no more'. We're realizing that there's strength in listening to each other, to supporting each other, to believing each other.

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  12. Thank you for this post. It describes every emotion I've had since I found out about my husbands affair. I found out 3 weeks ago and I'm having a hard time just functioning, I've taken a leave from my job I'm so scared I will have a break down in the office around co- workers. I'm so ashamed of what's happened I don't want to tell anyone not even the people closest to me. I question everything about my life how could I not have known, am I a masochist for wanting details of the affair, has he been honest about everything, will I ever get over this heartache.

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    1. Keeping it together, So sorry you had to find us here but this is a great resource. For me it was just what I needed when I was at your point in this journey and still over 2 1/2 years later I find it to be beneficial. This is the hardest thing I have had to work through in my life. It is challenging. Give yourself time, do not set a deadline or put pressure on yourself. Take care of yourself. I think that is smart to take a break from work. You decide who to tell. I have told no one except a therapist and that was all my decision. Read through posts on here. I also read all of the Gottman books and Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass was great. For me reading helped. My other tips were we set up once a week to talk when the kids were not around. This helped us so much. Even I did not want to talk about this every day. What I did was write my thoughts daily. It was paragraphs, words, thoughts, questions or whatever I felt like. Before our weekly meeting I would look over my notes and see what kept coming up in my thoughts. It helped me address what was bothering me most vs skipping around. By doing this I felt better after our talks and less scattered. As far as needing details a lot has been written about this. Figure out what you really want to know and hear. As many have said you cannot un-hear things. My husband was not 100% honest on dday. He minimized everything. It all came out in more detail 5 months later. I can see why he did that now but I was not happy about it. This was a really hard time of the process. For the first year I focused on me. We only did the essential things we had to do. We focused on ourselves individually and also as a couple. After a year he started focusing on himself more. I totally understand questioning everything. I have those thoughts too. In the end these were my husband's decisions he made without thinking about me or us. I was here for him and our family. I am proud of who am was and am. I still stand by that. He knows I have never wavered. We have gotten to a good place. Not perfect but good and we have done it together. This took a lot of time but there is hope and it will always be a part of our story.

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    2. Keeping it together - I am so sorry this happened to you, you have found a place of love and support.

      No you are not a masochist for wanting to know the details. I liken it to walking through a forest and shining a flashlight in the dark woods. You don't want any surprises and need to know what monster (details) may be hiding and ready to jump out at any moment. You want to protect yourself. I think we also want to know details so they don't have any more secrets together. I wanted to know every detail BUT I caution you because what you hear, cannot be unheard. I personally did not stop asking until I thought I had every truth but the truth is, I don't think we will ever know every detail - there is too much shame. I filled in the blanks when what he said/says makes absolutely zero sense.

      I am 10 months from D-Day #1 and 7 months from D-Day #2 and I can assure you that you will not feel as you do in this very moment forever. Each day will change; some days you will feel worse than the day before but as you start to process what has happened, the wound will start to heal. You will have days/moments/minutes/seconds where triggers open the wound a little, but it will be more healed than in the beginning.

      You will need to heal regardless if you and your husband are together. Take some time to figure out what needs to happen for your healing and peace today. Be easy on yourself, take a walk, call a friend, meditate, see a therapist, read, write, knit, - whatever feels GOOD for YOU.

      It is time to look after yourself, please please please. You are traumatized, I understand and I'm so so so sorry. I'm sending you a big HUG xoxoxo

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    3. Keeping It Together,
      You ARE keeping it together. And that's a miraculous thing. Betrayal is devastating. It shifts the ground beneath our feet, it makes the world seem utterly unsafe. If we're wrong about our partner, then what else are we wrong about? If we can't trust him, who can we trust?
      Like the others have said, now is the time to be gentle with yourself. I'm glad you've taken a leave. Let yourself cry, let yourself rant and rave and punch pillows. But take time too to try and open up to what's good in your world. Try and notice the teensy things that give you even a sliver of joy -- a sunrise, or a song, or a good coffee. Hang onto those things because they will lead you out of the dark. Take care of yourself, like you would a dear friend in pain. And trust that you will get through this.

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  13. Keeping it together, you sound exactly like me when I was at that stage. It is smart of you to give yourself time and space to start processing all this. Your life will never be the same. There is a “before D-Day“, and there is an “after D-day“. No, you’re not a masochist, you are trying desperately to understand the situation. You are trying to make sense of this thing. It is impossible to understand the trauma of betrayal if you have not been through it. But we have. We have been there. We know how you feel. It happens to strong women. It happens to beautiful women. It happens to good women.
    Has anyone recommended “Not Just Friends“ to you yet? It was the book that helped me the most in the first few months.
    Still Standing is right, acceptance was the first step for me. It took me a long time to actually really believe that this had happened, that it was not a nightmare. Once I accepted my reality, I was able to begin processing it, and making decisions that were good for me. I discovered a strength that I had never suspected within myself.
    You can do this, sweetheart. You will get through this.

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  14. ....and there it is. Oh well, no biggie. I have to admit, I’m a little fuzzy on how this whole blog thing works, anyway!
    SS1, my precious friend, so much wisdom here. And things I need to hear. I tried so hard to leave the past behind, but fate - with a lot of help from two selfish, stupid people - has decreed that my wounds will continue to be reopened from time to time.
    I did try to forgive, early on. I kept a whole Lenten journal on it, back in 2016, Unfortunately, there was still more injury and wounding to come.. It was definitely too soon. And then, several months ago, I decided that I was through feeling like I had to forgive. I stopped trying. It would come, I decided, when the time was right. Two,years and (almost) two months after D-Day, nearly sixteen months after my divorce, I still struggle wth the anger, the bitterness, the loss. Not all the time. It doesn’t dominate my life anymore, thank God. But it is always there. And sometimes it still overwhelms me. It’s harder to heal when there are constant reminders. But I will. Eventually.
    Thank you, sister, for reminding me, for reaffirming that I can grieve and heal on my timetable.

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    1. I'm sorry Phoenix. I'm doing things in far too much of a rush lately.
      It's hard to see from the outside but I have a friend who always reminds me that if I feel better than I did, isn't it possible that I will continue to feel better? Isn't it possible that the day will come when I these negative feelings are gone? And, of course, it's possible. It's even probable. So, yes, grieve on your timetable. Nobody is keeping score. Your heart is healing on its own schedule.

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  15. We're still separated in the home. He did a 10 month study at Celebrate Recovery but he's been getting caught with porn a lot lately.

    I'm going to see a lawyer. 11 years of this shit and I'm done. He said he'd leave and let me heal and stayed gone one night and then said he's not leaving. I don't even recognize him anymore and he's no the man I married.

    The fights and triggers are making my blood pressure rise and I can't heal with him here.

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    1. Hi Anne, I'm so sorry your H continues to hurt you. Although I haven't filed for separation or divorce I am so glad I went to see a lawyer early on after Dday. I am very analytical and I needed all the information and I'm glad I met with an attorney. Sending you a big virtual hug.

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  16. TY for the kind words. My D Day was Christmas 2006. I'm a homeschooler and my kids were small so I had no idea what to do. I thought he'd quit ya know.

    I've got Covenant Eyes on his phone but guess what, it doesn't work well with Android phones. Someone was finally honest at CE and told me that b/c he kept getting around it.

    I'm switching cos. I'm to the point where I don't police his phone, but if he finds a way around it using a google maps (which he did) porn videos came up on our ROKU when I visited youtube as a recommendation.

    And it's going on my youngest two. My almost 18 yo son is balking but hey I have it on mine.

    I start therapy next week. And I'm going back to Celebrate Recovery's Friday night 12 step meetings.

    I've been sleeping alone for THREE years.

    I'm sorry to hear that you're going through the same thing. When was your D Day?

    Hugs back atchya.

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