Tuesday, November 20, 2018

The Thorny Nature of Forgiveness

"...it is that wounded, branded, un-forgetting part of us that eventually makes forgiveness an act of compassion rather than one of simple forgetting. To forgive is to assume a larger identity than the person who was first hurt, to mature and bring to fruition an identity that can put its arm, not only around the afflicted one within but also around the memories seared within us by the original blow and through a kind of psychological virtuosity, extend our understanding to one who first delivered it. Forgiveness is a skill, a way of preserving clarity, sanity and generosity in an individual life, a beautiful way of shaping the mind to a future we want for ourselves; an admittance that if forgiveness comes through understanding, and if understanding is just a matter of time and application then we might as well begin forgiving right at the beginning of any drama rather than put ourselves through the full cycle of festering, incapacitation, reluctant healing and eventual blessing.
To forgive is to put oneself in a larger gravitational field of experience than the one that first seemed to hurt us. We reimagine ourselves in the light of our maturity and we reimagine the past in the light of our new identity, we allow ourselves to be gifted by a story larger than the story that first hurt us and left us bereft." ~David Whyte, from Brainpickings

Forgiveness remains a thorn in my side, though one that I'm scarcely aware of until someone asks me outright if I've forgiven my husband. My answer usually is something like "it's complicated."
But though I've never said to my husband the words "I forgive you" (I suspect I'd choke on them), reading David Whyte's description of forgiveness, I think perhaps I have.
Whyte's description of forgiveness is beautiful, isn't it? I love the notion of a more mature me, a "larger" me, putting an arm around the injured me and my painful memories and, in essence, saying "it's okay. You will get past this." And then this larger me also figuratively saying to my husband, the betrayer, "I will get past this. You hurt me but my capacity for healing is greater than the injury."
And that's the truth. My capacity for healing, which I couldn't imagine when betrayal first body-slammed me, is bigger than the injury. I can see that now, looking back from this distant shore. Yours is too. 
"Forgiveness is a skill," Whyte reminds us. Forgiveness, he's saying, doesn't just happen. It requires our participation, our attention. It requires that we want more for ourselves than to sit in our bitterness, that we are willing to "shape our mind to a future we want for ourselves."
Shape our mind to a future.
Easier said than done, isn't it?
The future can feel terrifying when we're in the muck of betrayal. It hurts to think about because we no longer trust it.
Thing is, we're putting our trust in the wrong place. It isn't the future we're trusting, it's ourselves. It isn't the betrayer we're trusting, it's ourselves. And it's trust in our ability to shape our future into one that includes forgiveness for ourselves. We "reimagine ourselves," as Whyte says. It's such a beautiful promise, it holds such possibility. To reimagine ourselves not as the weeping, aching, pitiful mess in a heap on the bathroom floor that we are right now but as someone who knows the larger story. The larger story includes our resurrection. It includes transcending the pain. Not denying it or forgetting it but incorporating it into a bigger story that includes healing from that pain. To be gifted by a story larger than the story that hurt us. 
I say it all the time, don't I? Our stories can heal us. Or they can hurt us
Forgiveness, even accidental forgiveness like I seem to have stumbled on, gives us the larger story. I can see now that I have extended that comforting arm around myself, the weeping agonizing injured me who can't possibly imagine that she will arrive at the place I am now. I have extended that comforting arm around my husband who couldn't imagine that he could forgive himself, nor that I might forgive him. 
I have incorporated that first story into larger one that includes – wow! – forgiveness. 

17 comments:

  1. I really like this description of forgiveness. It focuses primarily on the hurt person and their growth and well-being, and the offending person is almost an afterthought.

    I was always annoyed by the idea that you forgive someone to help yourself heal. It seemed like bullshit and a way to trick someone into forgiving someone else. (Trick might not be the right word here...maybe coerce.) This post helps me to make sense of that now.

    It’s my first Thanksgiving since DDay. Because we’re trying to reconcile and no one knows about the affair, I feel like a fake and a liar. Do any of you amazing women have a script that you’ve used in these scenarios to help you with well-meaning friends and relatives?

    What are you thankful for? (I’m too bitter and hateful right now to come up with something that isn’t snarky or mean.)

    Comments about your “perfect family”. (Though it’s a facade I’ve perpetuated for years, it makes me want to scream!)

    Thank you in advance and I hope all of you find a little bit of peace over the next few days.




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    1. Erin,
      I felt exactly like you. Forgive? You've gotta be kidding me. And I managed to move along just fine (well, maybe "fine" isn't exactly true but you know what I mean) without "forgiving".
      Which is why I too loved this description. It's about us and our ability to make our stories large enough to include the pain and our response to it. To recognize the growth inherent in healing.
      As for your first Thanksgiving, we are WITH you in spirit. We are an army of secret sisters who are there with you, eating turkey and mashed potatoes. You can be thankful for being safe in a world where so many are not. Though "safe" might not feel exactly right. Or you could be grateful for food in a world where many are hungry. You could be grateful for the beauty of nature, while so many are dealing with the devastation of wildlfires.
      I'm with you. I've never been able to be dishonest, even if I'm the only person who would know. But you strike me as someone who's capable of gratitude even while recognizing that your life isn't exactly what you thought it would be.
      I'm sure others will be along soon (unless they're in the kitchen getting ready!) to offer up their scripts as well.

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    2. Erin--LOL then simply be grateful for your snark :) Not everyone is good at snark so be grateful for your unique talent.

      Of course I'm being facetious. Honestly I hear you and been there. We actually had to go out of town our first Thanksgiving after DDay. I could not bear to be around family that knew everything. Ugh I felt like such a fraud.

      Go easy on yourself. Do not push yourself to forgive. It's taken me years and it's not lineal for sure. Some days I'm more forgiving than others. That's ok at least for me. I don't feel I'm boxed in with the whole forgiveness thing. Matter of fact that's how I've faced lots of this. Today I choose this but tomorrow I just may choose the opposite. I think that's just part of the PTSD. Man I loved that article!!

      So be your own best friend. It doesn't matter what you are grateful for. Heck some days I'm just grateful I'm having a good hair day!! Which BTW I'm having today just in case you wanted to know :)

      I know a year seems far out and you should be further along. Throw those "shoulds" in the trash. Don't try to find something in other people for which to show gratitude, find something in yourself instead. It's contagious. Once you start you will keep doing it and soon it will be for others. Maybe even your husband :)

      Happy Thanksgiving Erin. I'm grateful you wrote this comment.

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    3. A definition of forgiveness I like too is that it's not a feeling but a commitment to yourself. It's a commitment not to hold someone's actions over them anymore. I can't excuse them or allow them or approve of them in any way, but I can promise myself (not my husband) that I will not hold his affairs over his head to gain power or the upper hand or whatever it is we're after when we hold something over someone like a weapon. That doesn't mean I don't discuss it or have concerns about it though... talking about it still happens sometimes. I just committed not to end every argument with, "at least I'm not a cheater" or say,"you slept with someone else, so I'm not doing the dishes tonight." That's about as far as I've gotten with forgiveness (and I think that may be enough). It lets love and joy in and allows me to see my husband as a good (but flawed) person. It gives me some integrity and some values to uphold. This happened to me and I choose not to hurt anyone with it. That's basically it. I committed to that hourly at first, then daily... I'm confident I can keep doing it. I sometimes have thoughts of using it as a weapon, but I don't let it become hurtful speech or action.
      As for feeling fake, Erin, I totally get that. I feel it too sometimes still (especially when someone compliments our "awesome" marriage). I've learned to be cryptic I guess. I have said things like, "I'm learning that I have very few answers in life and it's ok." I know that confuses people, but was the closest to truth that I could find. I once told someone who complimented my marriage that no one has just one marriage in life. We've had other marriages in life and this one seems pretty good (meaning more than one marriage to the same person in my case). One time at work we had to go around the table stating what we were thankful for. A coworker simply said, "hard pass." It was great. Authentic. To the point. Direct. Not oversharing. I gained a ton of respect for her.

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    4. Erin,
      As far as a good response to comments about you "perfect family" or better yet "wonderful husband" (MIL's comment ha!), I find silence is the best response. You don't have to confirm or answer this line of conversation. Simply nod and change the subject. Your healing happens on your terms and timeline and you don't owe anyone anything.

      Holidays are especially hard because we feel we should be a perfect family, perfect couple, and have a perfect home. We feel like we're living a lie because everything is far from perfect.

      Be kind to yourself during this time. Find a different and new way to enjoy the holidays meaningfully whether it's volunteering or getting together with friends.

      It's a tough road but you have this. There are so many of us struggling, surviving, and getting stronger right along side of you.
      ~SRB

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    5. Thanks for the words of encouragement. It really helped me get through the last few days.

      Luckily, my kids are young and cute (5 and almost 2), so most of our relatives and friends paid attention to them and wouldn’t have been able to tell if I was more quiet and less engaged than usual.

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  2. So many things in here that I found myself nodding in agreement to. Recognizing. Not trusting the future. I'm terrified of the future. It used to be a thing to look forward too, especially when I was younger. You'd find someone eventually. Get married, have a family. Finally be safe. But nope. That's all gone. But maybe I am slowly replacing it with a sense that I am the one who keeps me safe now. Not by closing off , but by fighting to keep my heart open, even when that feels like breaking.
    I don't know what forgiveness looks like from here, right now. Right now I'm just salty.
    So Erin, be snarky. Be hurt. I recognize that fake and a liar feeling. We hate that we get turned into that by someone else's duplicity. One of the things that I leaned on in my work life and with my clients was "I'm having health issues. Thanks for your patience." And this was true. They were mental health issues related to PTSD but health issues nonetheless.
    You don't have to pretend that you or everything is OK. And in the worst of it, I was always grateful for my kids and for the fact that lots of people in my life know all the gory details and STILL love me.

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  3. Very thoughtful post. It is like forgiving without saying I forgive you. Maybe forgiveness is an action not just words. He is not begging for forgiveness so I'm not going to worry about it. In my heart, I have forgiven him but he will never
    hear those from me. So forgive myself for not forgiving him out loud. Only a betrayed woman will understand that logic. I'm grateful for this site. I'm grateful for my wonderful, hard working children. I'm grateful for the farm. I'm grateful that I can't out give God. No matter how much I give away HE boomerangs it back to me. I'm grateful for my dogs that live in the moment. I could learn from them. Right now I'm thinking about all those beautiful strong woman who are cooking for those they love and crying at the same time for themselves. I'm thinking about those women who have hungry hearts and souls for the truth. I'm thinking about as group how strong we really are but nobody knows this, we don't beat our chest and hang out the window.

    This is from my book I'm trying to write about the secrets women keep. "It is this strength we find that shapes us. A woman may give you her body and her heart, but there are parts she'll never give up. There are pieces woven into the very fiber of her being. Mysteries only hinted at in a brief, sly smile, tears or a laugh. These are the secrets of lovers past, hidden promises and unshared longings. I keep secrets in my heart. Where do these secrets find their final resting place? These secrets are worth knowing about. This is my hidden knowledge of secrets, choices, winning and losing. No one can fathom the amount of secrets which are kept hidden away in women’s heart. No one asks. No one really wants to know.

    It is not just single thing, event or circumstance that drives a tragic outcome but many of whirl constantly around a woman’s life from beginning to end. The whirling changes a woman, either for the better or for the worse. Sometimes the better or worse is based on choices sometimes there are no choices. These events circle the life drain and eventually come to a pinnacle many times sooner than anyone is ready to understand or can make sense regarding what these events really mean to our life. It is these events which shape the woman."

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  4. Thank you for this post. Forgiveness is something I've been struggling with for a long time. I've been told by friends, my therapist, and everything I've read that I must forgive to move on ... and I just ... can't.

    In my head forgiveness means a pass. It means it's okay for him to do what he's done. It means I'm over it. It's not okay and I'm not over it. I understand why he did it - the feel good, excitement, power, attention, escaping reality (We all would like to escape reality once in a while, wouldn't we? That doesn't mean our naughty bits should end up in someone else's. But I digress...) - but I cannot, nor will I ever forgive it.

    Given that, my silver lining... My "story larger than the story that first hurt us" is that I love the person I've become due to the betrayal. I've struggled over the leave or stay decision for over a year. I'm still on the fence but I'm still here. During that time I've grown and become more independent. I've traveled to Europe, changed careers and taken more chances than ever before. I've put myself first and decided to live my best life despite his betrayal. I refused to be a victim in his mess.

    Yes, the bitterness is still there. Yes, I want to rip his head off once in a while. Yes, my breath gets caught up in my chest and I hold back tears when my thoughts float into a dark place. But I now have the independence and courage to board a plane to Europe alone, grab a table for one in a restaurant, spend the day discovering a city on my own, and go after and get the job I want. I'm not sure any of that would've happened pre-betrayal.

    So if forgiveness is "...to assume a larger identity than the person who was first hurt, to mature and bring to fruition an identity that can put its arm, not only around the afflicted one within but also around the memories seared within us by the original blow..." then I suppose I have done just that, but for my benefit, not his.

    Thank you for all that you do, Elle. I don't comment much but I read every post. To all of the BWC sisters, during this season of giving, give to yourself. You deserve to live your best life. xo ~SRB

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    1. SRB,
      I'm with you. And I disagree with your friends, your therapist and everyone else who tells you that you have to "forgive" if by forgiveness, they mean you have to tell him that he's forgiven.
      Forgiveness, I've written before, isn't so much an action as a process. And I think there are those of us who might not think we've ever fully forgiven because, as you wrote, it feels as though we're giving our partner a pass. And hell no to that. My husband knows that what he did was not okay and will NEVER be okay. But I don't hold it over his head (though I'm tempted at times). I realize that he is not that person, and has worked hard to make sure he's not that person. So...my relationship is with who he is today. Is that forgiveness? Damned if I know. But I do know that David Whyte's description, that I wrote above, makes total sense to me. By that definition, I've forgiven myself and him. And I can live with that.

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  5. Hi SRB,
    Are you currently still with your H? I am ~ 5 months separated with my H and i also struggled over whether to stay or leave..Some said it's too early to make a decision now and some said since he show no remorse..just walked away.

    There's always in my mind to travel alone every now and then. I wanted to traveled to some place new and relax. Maybe one day...

    Lost_AA

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    1. Lost AA,
      Sounds as though your "choice" wasn't much of one. Kinda sounds like it was forced on you by his refusal to acknowledge how deeply he hurt you. But it also sounds, given that reality, that you are better off without him. I hope you'll take inspiration from SRB and plan that trip somewhere you've long wanted to go. Travelling alone can be incredibly restorative. It's like meeting a new you and getting to know that person. I hope you'll use this time to rediscover just how incredible you are. It's his loss, Lost AA.

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    2. Hi Lost AA,
      Yes, I am still married and with him. It's complicated, as all of our lives are. However, even though I chose to stay (for now), I prioritize me and the things I want to accomplish more so than ever before. I used to feel guilty about doing these things. Yeah, I feel no guilt about doing them now. lol

      As Elle mentioned above, traveling alone can be great therapy. It makes you realize how big the world is and inspires you in ways that are not possible in your day-to-day life. You should do it, it will do wonders for you. :) ~SRB

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    3. Hi Elle,
      I love this "It's his loss". I wish one day he will realize that.

      Hi SRB,
      Relationship is always complicated. Glad to know that you are still with him. Time will heal everything i guess...
      Yes, i will definitely plan a solo trip.

      Lost_AA

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  6. I can jive with this definition of forgiveness if it doesn't mean reconciliation or no more anger. Because I feel most of what you share, but I can't reconcile with my husband and if I let myself, the anger flares. I wish I could be more at peace with him but he dropped the ball so much on his part that I can't come back to him. He was fairly unable to try to bring me peace or solace. He didn't show me he deserved me. But at the same time, most days I understand him and me and I hold myself in higher esteem than ever... as long as I don't have to deal with him face to face on a daily basis. I guess my feeling of forgiveness, if it is really that, are complicated (isn't it always for everyone). Maybe it is not forgiveness but it is letting all the other parts of my life overtake this deep wound and make me appreciate what it means to live. Maybe that wound will continue to shrink enough so that I can achieve about a 75% forgiveness.

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  7. Sorry, but that's just not true of everyone. My capacity for healing is NOT greater than the injury. I was already dealing with an illness when I was ruthlessly emotionally abused as well as betrayed and heartlessly discarded. It was a deliberate, systematic destruction of my soul. I had nowhere to go so I was at the mercy of somebody who turned out to have very little capacity for mercy. The pain of that will never fully heal and the stress has worsened my physical condition. As a result I will likely not get better and eventually will die of my illness. The trauma is so intense that I have been having seizures and have lost my will to live. I'd have to be an imbecile to even contemplate forgiveness in this situation. Why would I forgive my murderer?
    It must be lovely to have hope, but only fools have false hope and I am no fool.

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