tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post1458041933247018165..comments2024-03-17T12:13:33.772-04:00Comments on Betrayed Wives' Club: Five Steps to Healing A Marriage After An Affair -- RevisitedEllehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-67309737755373604622017-02-06T06:44:34.334-05:002017-02-06T06:44:34.334-05:00I have just read this blog. Its intriguing to say ...I have just read this blog. Its intriguing to say the least. Like the last comment I feel like I made him go out there. But I only found out this December 2016 that he has a child who is a year and a half. I have a part in our marriage being in the state it is but I found out this now and he tells me this thing has been going on since 2010. It started out as a friendship and only recently it got physical. I found out myself about the child and when I ask about it for understanding, immediately he says he wishes we can start over and rebuild our family. I wanted to leave as soon as I found out, he begged me not to go. I then started to ask questions and I didn't get satisfactory answers so I became stone cold towards him, the silent treatment. He recently packed his bags and said my attitude shows him that I hate him and he can't bear seeing the look of hate in my eyes for him. But I don't hate him. Thereafter we talked. He stayed. But I am so confused on what to do, I am just an emotional wreck, just feeling useless. Wondering if he will do it again. When we were talking about leaving he even said if he is to leave he would start his life on his own and these women won't even be involved. I don't know what to do. I feel like he can go I don't care at the same time I know I still love him. How can I work this out. I have my faults which I admitted to him. This article helps but up to a point where it leaves me confused. Any advice will be greatly appreciated. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-9154603848809013022014-03-08T11:39:16.782-05:002014-03-08T11:39:16.782-05:00You've raised a really interesting issue re. y...You've raised a really interesting issue re. your mother. It's one of our biggest challenges as parents, to acknowledge that we don't get to control our children's actions. To understand that our job is to keep them safe while they discover who they are. And that, when they become adults, it's THEIR job to keep themselves safe while they continue to discover who they are.<br />Your mom is clearly struggling with this. And I know you know that she's coming from a place of fear -- fear that her daughter, whom she loves, is unsafe.<br />I understand that fear. I wish I could protect my children forever. But I can't. None of us can. And, frankly, none of us always know what's safe or right for anyone else.<br />It sounds as if both you and your husband have done a lot of soul-searching to come to the decision you have. What I hope your mom can come to understand is that her refusal to support you in your thought-out choice is hurting you. It's making it harder for you to stand solidly in your decision, and, perhaps, forcing you into a choice that you don't want to make re. whether your mom is a large part of your post-betrayal marriage or a peripheral part. <br />Your mom's anger toward your husband masks a deep fear that this person she trusted to value her child screwed up. No-one's disputing that he screwed up. But I'm curious what her thoughts would be had you been the one to screw up. Is she as unforgiving? Did she raise children who never allow themselves to make mistakes, and certainly don't allow those who do the chance to make amends? Those are questions for you to think about. <br />In my own case, my mother had been an alcoholic when I was younger. She became sober when I was about 19 and stayed that way for 25 years. By the time she became sober I was pretty done with her behaviour. I was close to writing her off. Instead, I gave her room to get sober and we ended up having an extremely close relationship for the rest of her life. She died 7 years ago and I don't regret for a second allowing her to stay in my life. It was better for her presence in it. So...she taught me forgiveness. She taught me that people could change and become better selves. Some don't deserve that second chance, but some do.<br />I hope your mom can recognize that it's your right to decide if your husband is one of the those that do. And that her job is to simply love you no matter what.<br /><br />ElleEllehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-7040345748116544432014-03-07T21:15:12.578-05:002014-03-07T21:15:12.578-05:00I recently found out my husband has been having an...I recently found out my husband has been having an affair . It was with a woman he met through his work. They became very close, very quickly and although he says their physical relationship only began a few months ago, the emotional relationship had been going strong for two years. <br />So my question is: Can a husband and wife work towards a healthier relationship if they remain living in the same space after the husbands affair? Can they stay married after he has done damage? The reason I am asking is, that I am very reluctant to separate from my husband of ten years. YES he had an affair. But it has ended, at my request and with his realization of how much we stand to lose, he stands to lose. There is alot more to the story; my hand in the beginning, or how he perceived my injurious behavior. Because believe it or not, I am at fault as well. How he felt when he met the other woman and how she made him feel. In the beginning it wasn’t a physical relationship. It began as a professional friendship. They found they had a common problem in their respective marriages and leaned on each other for moral and emotional support. It just progressed from there.<br />I am not excusing his behavior. What he did was selfish, cowardly, and destructive. But there are always two sides. A relationship takes two people be it friendship or marriage.<br />We have decided through alot of counseling, through alot of communication, through the love we still have for each other and our family, to try our very hardest to stay together. Not because we need to. Because we WANT to. We don’t what the future will bring. It may work out to be better and stronger than before. It may not work out that we stay married, but that we remain friends and move on with our lives separately. But we both feel the need, the desire, the want to try.<br />Elle, I have read most of your blog and have found so much of it extremely helpful. From the Five Ways We Hurt Ourselves..... to the Five Steps to Healing a Marriage after an Affair.<br />I even suggested my mom read your blog. She seems to be having a harder time than I am. Any suggestions how I can help her to understand why I feel the desire to rebuild my marriage?<br />As I told her "This happened to ME. Not you. Please don't act like it did." Because that is exactly how she is acting. Makes for a pretty tense relationship whenever she comes to see the kids. Besides I am afraid if I leave her alone with my husband I will return to find one less husband.<br /><br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-45426563121772312322013-12-23T13:07:27.814-05:002013-12-23T13:07:27.814-05:00There isn't much hope as long as he thinks you...There isn't much hope as long as he thinks you're going to just "forget about it." You can' heal from something by pretending it never happened. It did happen and he choose to make it happen. Now, if he's interested in rebuilding his marriage, he needs to do some heavy lifting to make up for that choice.<br />Counselling is a good start but he needs to do more than just show up. He needs to recognize how much damage he's caused and how the only way to rebuild trust is to work through what happened, understand why it happened and figure out how to ensure it doesn't happen again. Often guys are so shame-filled (about the affair but generally about previous family-of-origin stuff) that they can't stand the thought of sifting through their actions to get to the "why". But too bad. They detonated the bomb, now they need to clean it up.<br />The good news is that you really can have a relationship that's so much deeper and richer, but only if you work through the pain together and come out the other side.<br /><br />ElleEllehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-25827423145591095142013-12-23T13:04:35.357-05:002013-12-23T13:04:35.357-05:00It is often shocking to us when we finally underst...It is often shocking to us when we finally understand that this really didn't have anything to do with us. It really is about them working through their own issues with someone who's available and convenient. I'm glad you're finding support here.<br /><br />ElleEllehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-24490241518756010072013-12-22T12:11:29.362-05:002013-12-22T12:11:29.362-05:00I also found out that my husband of 14 years has ...I also found out that my husband of 14 years has been involved with someone for some time apparently. He says that he wants to work things out. We are attending counseling, but I do not see any effort on his part to try to mend the relationship. He thinks I should just 'forget about it'. I can't. In the meantime, I have been reading lots of books and searching the internet for some glimmer of hope.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-75557203510814925462013-12-18T23:50:19.359-05:002013-12-18T23:50:19.359-05:00It was Spring when I found out my husband of 17 ye...It was Spring when I found out my husband of 17 years had been having an affair for over 2 years. I was devastated and to this day it is still hard to believe he had been this selfish. It was also hard to believe when he said he was in a dark place and did not feel good about himself as a man and that it did not have anything to do with me but it was true. She was fat and not as successful and not as pretty as me. I just could not understand. It finally occurred to me that he needed someone that he could pretend like everything was ok; an escape from all the things he fely like he was failing at. I never made him feel less than a man. I always tried to encourage him. This blog has been a help as it helped me to come closer to my attempts to heal and forgive.<br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-6732234796374656872013-11-03T11:55:38.768-05:002013-11-03T11:55:38.768-05:00I have to say you have offered the best pearls of ...I have to say you have offered the best pearls of wisdom I have read. I have been pouring over books and websites but they didn't offer anything that spoke to what I need. They all addressed repairing the marriage. But what do you do before you can get to a place of safety to do that. I wish I read this a few weeks back. But nonetheless, it helps me to refocus on myself and not on him, what he did and how I can take away the pain.MsBnoreply@blogger.com