tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post1509650992886245023..comments2024-03-17T12:13:33.772-04:00Comments on Betrayed Wives' Club: My Christmas Wish to YouEllehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comBlogger46125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-21568321188838648922014-02-12T22:32:30.654-05:002014-02-12T22:32:30.654-05:00What u say is so true. From what I've read wom...What u say is so true. From what I've read women cheat up men cheat down. That's why we can't understand whom they cheated with, but they didn't really choose, it's just who offered. Evolutionarily speaking they just need to sow their oats. Women on the other hand evolutionarily speaking need a good provider. <br /><br />I also compared myself to ow in an email to my husband where he emailed me back no contest, that I blow her out of the water. <br /><br />U r also right about no turning back. It sounds crazy, but once it happened it was the path of least resistance to keep it going rather than break up with her.<br /><br />-samAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-59441437816229837802014-01-08T12:04:41.005-05:002014-01-08T12:04:41.005-05:00MYR,
Well done. It's crucial to establish clea...MYR,<br />Well done. It's crucial to establish clear boundaries around what you will and will not accept (this is a lesson we should all know from childhood but few of us actually do). It's now up to him. You've made clear your wishes.<br />Now…make it a "good day". You're actually doing really well. I think I was still curled up in a ball at this point post-D-Day. That you're able to form a coherent sentence is a miracle. Give yourself a hug.<br /><br />ElleEllehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-80288121752348385132014-01-08T11:39:14.060-05:002014-01-08T11:39:14.060-05:00After thinking about it I called WH back at work (...After thinking about it I called WH back at work (on a very busy day during which he has important conference calls and things due) and told him not to call but to send an email, going on to remind him that his only obligation is to me and our marriage. Our vows said "forsaking all others"(even though we are where we are because he broke that vow). Her being hurt is not my concern and has no bearing on our marriage nor does his guilt regarding hurting her. That is something he will have to live with, just like I have to live with the hurt he caused me. <br /><br />He was choked up and could barely say "ok" before hanging up the phone. I emailed WH later reiterating what I said about emailing OW, but told him in the end you make the final decision he needs to CHOOSE which action he thought is wisest and best in helping us move on. <br /><br />I should add that all of this is happening on what started out to be what I thought was going to be a good day after the first truly restful night of sleep since DDay 2 weeks ago following a really good talk during which WH tearfully apologized for as he said "being an ass the last week" and not being sensitive to my being hurt and upset. <br /><br />I didn't feel that way. It seemed to me he was rather patient (maybe not right word) as I would run away from the dinner table at the restaurant to the restroom or from our hotel room to the restroom in the lobby so I could have my crying fits without my kids seeing. <br /><br />MBS - there have been a couple of times that I went somewhere with the kids and he went traipsing off with OW, literally seeing us off at the airport minutes before greeting her flight, then getting on another plane for a romantic vacation. <br /><br />MYR<br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-38081028583995431302014-01-08T10:11:44.945-05:002014-01-08T10:11:44.945-05:00MYR,
I think, too often, the cheating spouse is mo...MYR,<br />I think, too often, the cheating spouse is more worried about the OW's feelings than his spouse's feelings. I think you need to present a united front to the OW -- make it clear that you two stand together and that she is not welcome. That's what copying you on an e-mail or including you in a phone call does. It isn't for "closure". It's simply to state that there is to be "no contact" going forward. That's it. Simple and quick. And then you two get to the business of rebuilding your marriage as a team.<br />I'm sure your husband hates feeling like the bad guy and hates having to be cold and clinical. But this is about helping you. It's about making clear his allegiance to you. That's the thing about affairs -- somebody is always going to get hurt. Better her than you.<br /><br />ElleEllehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-59406312297083556342014-01-08T08:42:21.926-05:002014-01-08T08:42:21.926-05:00In the comments of Marital Magic Bullet post you t...In the comments of Marital Magic Bullet post you told someone that the WH needs to end things with OW with the BS' awareness (either there when he makes the call or copied on the e-mail). I suggested WH email and copy me, but he wants to call, saying a call can take care of everything, she can say what she needs to say and it will prevent back and forth (though I say Blocking her from your email and all other sites would do that) and it will take away some of the guilt he has regarding OW (who knew he was married and what she was getting into). If he calls with the idea if also letting her respond should I insist on being there considering she might divulge things I probably don't want to know? He has agreed to my demands that I access to all his electronics and passwords, he wants to go to counseling and has said he wants his family and to make things right. He says if I insist, he'll send the email instead of calling. What do you suggest? <br />MYRAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-52476073494040617722014-01-08T00:28:04.682-05:002014-01-08T00:28:04.682-05:00MYR- I feel you.
DDay #1 (told me about the then ...MYR- I feel you. <br />DDay #1 (told me about the then 4 week long affair, no sex, fooling around,) was 4 days before son's birthday party. I had to email the OW and tell her don't bother coming. <br />DDay # 2 (he slept with her while I took the kids on a trip so he could have time to "think") was 2 weeks before my daughter's birthday party. I was desperate to cancel but a few guests knew by then and showed up for support.<br />I didn't think I could survive the parties but I did, somehow. So like Elle says, hang in there. And keep reading this blog!MBShttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10168863416317700184noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-74521913515764776532014-01-07T21:52:18.087-05:002014-01-07T21:52:18.087-05:00MYR,
Glad you found us. Hang in there. When you...MYR,<br />Glad you found us. Hang in there. When you're ready, feel free to share your story. I too found out right before Christmas and it was really hard to "celebrate" for my kids when I was falling apart inside.<br /><br />ElleEllehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-7159242455333723742014-01-07T21:51:27.523-05:002014-01-07T21:51:27.523-05:00I've no doubt he would be proud, Sam.
ElleI've no doubt he would be proud, Sam.<br /><br />ElleEllehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-40759757401801577922014-01-07T13:10:44.687-05:002014-01-07T13:10:44.687-05:00DDay was Christmas Eve, followed a few days after ...DDay was Christmas Eve, followed a few days after by a family vacation. Falling apart inside while trying to not let my kids see was difficult. I've spent the last two days since returning and the with the kids back at school devouring this blog. It has helped me make sense of so much. Thank you for sharing your story and helping others get through this devastating situation. <br />MYRAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-45325113429865473632014-01-05T23:00:51.466-05:002014-01-05T23:00:51.466-05:00I lost a dear friend 1 month after d-day#2. She wo...I lost a dear friend 1 month after d-day#2. She would have been the person I would have leaned on the most during this but I couldn't because she was in her last days of her battle with cancer. I even missed my last opportunity to see her because I was reeling from d-day #1. I had no idea that she was so short of time. I am still bitter that my husband's behavior caused me to miss seeing her before she passed.<br />But nonetheless, her life was so vibrant and positive that I found courage from remembering her and mourning with her other friends. Several weeks ago she visited me in a dream and gave me a deep hug that I could feel in my body after I woke up. It was amazingly healing.MBShttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10168863416317700184noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-1788290008298193492014-01-05T17:45:59.088-05:002014-01-05T17:45:59.088-05:00My father passed away when I was 15 and I still mi...My father passed away when I was 15 and I still miss him terribly, but do not discount the grief of the affair...in many ways, the affair was HARDER to deal with because the emotional wounds are repeatedly re-opened, whereas a death is, well, final - and allows you to grieve without it being ripped open over and over and over, especially if the spouse continues seeing the other woman. I've heard others say the same. Beware of expecting it to hurt "less" than a death and undermining your own healing.<br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-10485122107758922522014-01-05T13:33:58.209-05:002014-01-05T13:33:58.209-05:00We buried my father yesterday, something I never i...We buried my father yesterday, something I never imagined doing. The one thing that keeps me going is knowing he has gone to a better place where he will be with his parents again. The last few days have been exhausting, confusing and very very sad. In all this trauma I must mention how brilliant my husband has been he arranged all the funeral arrangements and has been a rock to me and my family. He has proved his worthiness to me and I'm so proud of him. 14 weeks post d day and I'm pretty damn sure I made the right decision by giving him another chance. Time doesn't stand still for anyone so whilst we are recovering from infidelity we are now dealing with the loss of my father which is a lot to deal with for any couple. <br />My father god bless his soul is a feisty character and fought for every minute of his life. I vow to do the same, dad would be proud x xAnonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10071329217675295943noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-65842200724413984902014-01-04T02:34:34.965-05:002014-01-04T02:34:34.965-05:00Elle,
That's not nuts at all Elle, I hope I ...Elle, <br /><br />That's not nuts at all Elle, I hope I get a 'visit' from my dad at some point in the future. We are holding the funeral in 4 hours so it's going to be a difficult and tiring day ahead. I don't feel as lonely with family and friends around me it's when they go that I will really feel the pain, but as I've learnt on here we have to keep going through the pain. Thank you for all your support you can't imagine how grateful I am xAnonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10071329217675295943noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-49779011861491206242014-01-03T22:15:50.442-05:002014-01-03T22:15:50.442-05:00What a beautiful wish! And you are doing so much f...What a beautiful wish! And you are doing so much for us virtually! It was a huge source of strength and validation for me when I found this blog! Have a beautiful year!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15010178221551399935noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-44815036402390049502014-01-03T21:09:46.646-05:002014-01-03T21:09:46.646-05:00Sam,
I'm so so sorry for the loss of your dad...Sam,<br /><br />I'm so so sorry for the loss of your dad. I'm glad he was able to go surrounded by those who love him best. Lucky man indeed. But yes, you're left to live in a world without him. <br />I hope, with time, you'll hang on to all the gifts he gave to you and recognize that he's still with you. I had an incredible dream not long after my mom died in which I woke up (in my dream) and she was in my bedroom. I told her "mom, I don't want to wake up because everyone will tell me you're dead." She looked at me in that way she always had and said, "But sweetie, you and I are both know I'm right here." <br />I woke (for real) the next morning feeling like I'd actually been with her. And ever since then, I've believed that she is with me, even when I can't always feel her. My cousins, who also dream about their mom, call these dreams "visits". I hope you get a "visit" from your dad. And yes, I know I sound nuts. But I really don't think I am. <br />Hang in there, Sam. Tested indeed. <br /><br />ElleEllehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-422992402136023582014-01-03T16:49:01.448-05:002014-01-03T16:49:01.448-05:00Elle,
My father passed away shortly after I wrot...Elle, <br /><br />My father passed away shortly after I wrote the last entry, I didn't want to let him go but I understand that the time was right for him. All his children were with him. He wasn't in any pain. 6 hours after losing him I am in total shock and disbelief. Who'd have thought I would be going through this. I can't compare this to the affair, the affair does not come close. God only knows how the next few days/ weeks will be for us as a family. Thanks for your support Elle, I now understand how difficult losing a parent is. So sorry you had to endure such pain so soon after d day. God def knows how to test us x xAnonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10071329217675295943noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-49036557137004458142014-01-03T16:20:31.710-05:002014-01-03T16:20:31.710-05:00Sam A, I am so sorry. It is so unfair that infidel...Sam A, I am so sorry. It is so unfair that infidelity doesn't make us immune from more tragedy. It doesn't even grant a temporary reprieve.<br />Wishing you peace..MBShttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10168863416317700184noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-71060408713483817172014-01-03T13:49:48.012-05:002014-01-03T13:49:48.012-05:00Sam A,
I'm so sorry for what you're going ...Sam A,<br />I'm so sorry for what you're going through with your father. It's hard to lose a parent. My mom passed away just weeks after D-Day #2…and she had been my absolute rock. However, I was ready to let her go and I think that can make a big difference in how one views death. I knew I would spend the rest of my life missing her…but I also knew that I needed to let her go. Time will tell whether it's your dad's time to go or whether he'll find his way back. Either way, I know this has been difficult for you. Sounds like you have a great dad who raised a great daughter. That's a legacy to be proud of.<br /><br />ElleEllehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-63751675294861005072014-01-03T13:46:28.126-05:002014-01-03T13:46:28.126-05:00Iris,
Thank-you…and to you and all the women here....Iris,<br />Thank-you…and to you and all the women here. I love my community of betrayed wives. Here's to 2014. A year in which we'll all make it a bit further along our paths.<br /><br />ElleEllehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-46710559406368033552014-01-03T13:45:35.415-05:002014-01-03T13:45:35.415-05:00Anon,
As Barb says, we've all been in your spo...Anon,<br />As Barb says, we've all been in your spot. I honestly believed I'd never feel joy again. That I would never go a day without crying. And that was true for a long time. But slowly, with time and a dedication to healing, I got past this. And you will too. <br />As Barb (above) says, focus on breathing. It sounds ridiculous…but slowing down your breathing and just staying in the moment can go a long way toward keeping you grounded and reducing anxiety. <br />Barb is also wise in suggesting that you seek counselling. It's great that your husband recognizes how hurtful his actions have been but without a positive strategy going forward, the apologies will wear thin. <br />As for being a sad miserable woman…I've been there. I remember telling my husband he had "ruined me". Turns out…not so much. In fact, I often write here about how my husband's betrayal (though I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy) has taught me so much about who I am, what I stand for and forced me to face down some of my own demons. <br />I promise the light is indeed waiting at the end of the tunnel. But you have to do the work of getting there.<br /><br />ElleEllehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-5800557668519467142014-01-03T08:05:24.201-05:002014-01-03T08:05:24.201-05:00Hi ladies,
I am 14 weeks post d day, I thought t...Hi ladies, <br /><br />I am 14 weeks post d day, I thought there was no pain like the pain of finding out about the affair my husband had. On New Year's Day my father was rushed into hospital with multiple organ failure as a family we were asked to make a life changing decision. The doctors made it clear that my dad was nearing the end of his life. Right there I felt a surge of pain straight through my heart something I'd never experienced before. I was faced with losing my father. I believe in god and i asked friends and family to prayer for my father. The strength of prayer got my dad through the night something doctors said he wouldn't do, he is still here and fighting today so my request to all you btw is that infidelity is cruel it's heartbreaking it's one of them situations you want to avoid at all costs, losing a parent or fear of losing a parent is another one of them situations. We learn how strong we are when we are faced with these difficult situations, be strong, have faith and know you will get through this I promise x xAnonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10071329217675295943noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-70573972304144949262014-01-02T00:19:13.304-05:002014-01-02T00:19:13.304-05:00Sam,
I can't tell you how much that helps. I ...Sam,<br /><br />I can't tell you how much that helps. I really appreciate the support! And it's always such a relief to know these feelings are normal. <br /><br />You're right about just needing reassurance. I remind my husband that once I a while, and maybe it's time to remind him again.<br /><br />Yes, let's look towards a better and happier new year. :)mountainsailinghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07045817177532673787noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-72846736991132956512014-01-02T00:09:10.017-05:002014-01-02T00:09:10.017-05:00I'm blown away by the fact that this happens t...I'm blown away by the fact that this happens to you, too. That we can be SO unsure of our husbands, still. And these are the good ones, the husbands who are remorseful and doing their best to make things better. What a debilitating thing this is!<br /><br />Sorry, I've been a bit depressive the past couple of days. Time to try to pull myself up out of the muck.mountainsailinghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07045817177532673787noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-53781307206639281812014-01-01T18:11:19.038-05:002014-01-01T18:11:19.038-05:00Dear anon... Exactly one year and 15 days ago I wa...Dear anon... Exactly one year and 15 days ago I was in your exact spot. Yes, you will make it through this. It's rough going and the blackness is sometimes overwhelming. But I'm here to tell you that you WILL survive. Breathe. The insane train will stop. Give yourself time and be gentle on yourself. You are in trauma. Get help and get into counseling and let your husband keep apologizing. Let him see your hurt and your pain. He must understand how his poor choices have affected you. I don't know if you are a woman of faith in God, but if you are, then let Jesus help you carry this burden and trust that you are a beautiful and wonderfully made creation that the Heavenly Father adores. You are loved and accepted here thanks to Elle, and I'm sure she will have words of comfort for you. She always does. You are tougher than you think, and you will have the light at the end of your tunnel. Barbhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16169883243159008581noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-9449746670334049342014-01-01T04:55:43.124-05:002014-01-01T04:55:43.124-05:00Happy New Year to everyone here and especially to ...Happy New Year to everyone here and especially to Elle, who through her wise words and her warmth has made our progress a little easier and a little safer. <br /><br />Irisnoreply@blogger.com