tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post211022903973978323..comments2024-03-17T12:13:33.772-04:00Comments on Betrayed Wives' Club: Five Steps to Healing a Marriage After An AffairEllehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comBlogger159125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-88811290234433089322017-02-04T20:29:09.389-05:002017-02-04T20:29:09.389-05:00Hey, In August me an my partner broke up, we had b...Hey, In August me an my partner broke up, we had been together for nearly 8 years and we had grown apart , we was arguing a lot an I felt we was together for convenience, we split he moved out an I thought it was what I wanyed, I met a new friend an we was just friends baring in mind I worked hard to keep me an my ex going cause if I didn't make an effort there was none he took on to much an we hardly seen each other, anyway my ex found out about my new friend an he says I broke his heart an how he loved me this annoyed me Cause I needed this when we was together or the 1st couple of months we broke up, I was hurt an he appeared to be okay so I always thought we did rite breaking up, then the tears an the broken man appeared an this got me angry, he called me names looked for stuff to make me an my friend more than we was so I stuck the knife an put in a relationship on Facebook day after I realized it was a very low dig an wanted to sort things with my ex, he was having none of it, he hated me, in assured him.I've never had sex with this person, an I've said I wanna work things out an hopefully slowly become a family again, bit he says I broke his heart he nearly had a break down Cause of me and he moving in with his life but now I really want him back, what do do anyone any advice I'm really struggling, how can he go for me being the only lobe of his life an 2 weeks after not wanting anything to with me, lots went on whenwas together, I've always said we was both to blame for the break up but he says it was all me, I'm so confused. until i finally contacted Dr. Ikhine spell for help through email: agbadado@gmail.com and you can also call his number +2348056932230<br />Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06819263280369919513noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-30701193360481151712016-08-11T12:07:21.568-04:002016-08-11T12:07:21.568-04:00I have myself been living with my husband that had...I have myself been living with my husband that had an affair with his 1st ex wife ( they have 2 grown children together) for the 1st 5 years of our marriage. We have been married 10 years. We have no children together and this is both of our 3rs marriage. I just have to say I stayed and for the last 5 years it has been a nightmare of a ride. To this day I will never forget. I have good days O have bad. The most disturbing thing is I am not in love with him anymore. I don't even like him to touch me or kiss me. He works most of the time on the road so I not with him but 1 week a month. I am 52 and he is 59. I guess I will just stay with him til one of us croaks. It's sad but I stay for financial reasons and will die to never have known true love. Any thought?Tammyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05242632867188432655noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-9516083562535147072016-04-19T05:46:56.151-04:002016-04-19T05:46:56.151-04:00Yesterday I discovered that my husband has been ex...Yesterday I discovered that my husband has been exchanging sexually explicit messages with his "Ex". While I am devastated, feeling lied to, mislead, and like my heart has been trampled... He says he didn’t do anything wrong, because he’d had no physical contact with the other woman;<br /><br />To me it’s the lying that makes sexting cheating — physical contact has nothing to do with it. He spent yesterday lying, denying, and blaming me for invading his privacy.<br />JerzeyCatehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02560738922232335991noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-86622507559529497962015-12-20T13:56:14.208-05:002015-12-20T13:56:14.208-05:00Hate to say it, BUT you are a punk. Cheaters don&#...Hate to say it, BUT you are a punk. Cheaters don't value themselves or anyone else. Your wife is smart to dump you!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-19055115368011165402015-08-25T08:33:06.206-04:002015-08-25T08:33:06.206-04:00I really don't know where to start . I have be...I really don't know where to start . I have been married will be 40 years in November I guess the first betrayal was when the babysitter told me he was calling her to complain about me . then several years later I found out he had been calling and seeing my best friend behind my back caught them talking on the phone that was over 20 years ago then caught him again in the garage at 5 am on the phone about 2 years ago . I just returned from a vacation before I left I had asked him not to attend a party that I knew she would be there and he said no worries I wont go and then I called and he said he had gone he was watching my grandchildren and said they had asked to go . I can not function I feel so hurt and betrayed. he says he is sorry is that enough not for me right now I am not in a good play. should I got get more pills and go see someone . she has been a widow now for a year . there is so much to say sorry being so all over the place . I have been reading your posts and its is many feelings that I have . he has admitted not exactly what but says its over not goin to be doing that anymore . I told him if I find out anything again it over but I don't even know if I want it to be over . we have such a good life together and to find all this out its like a don't even know the man I married . I have talked to my friend and she said I had made my decision long ago another words you made your bed now you sleep in it . I don't even know what advice I am looking for guess just a ear and someone not to judge me . I feel like everyone knows whats going on except me and I am being laughed at . I am just not ready to give up my whole life it would be very complicated . as I read what I write I say to my help this isn't happening to me I would say leave him but we have history together he is a good hardworking man good father and grandfather I don't know why he feels the need to talk with this person . but they must have some connection . well guess I could go on but for what think I keep digging myself a hole . so happy I found this site I feel like their are people that understand I told him yesterday maybe I should do it to him so maybe he will feel the pain and we can be on the same page . I feel that I cant say or do what I feel anymore got to think of his feelings make him out to a hero to make him happy so he wont seek another woman what kind of life is that I want to be myself the woman who does do for him and says what she feels instead of trying to think of every word that comes out of my mouth . I told him last night a marriage is not 50 /50 its 100/100 guess he never thought of it that way . please help me save my marriage and feel whole again and stop this pain in my stomach and this crazy brain the I have . I feel if he doesn't tell me details its not over want to continue his deception .Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-39197587845999436762015-08-19T22:29:12.338-04:002015-08-19T22:29:12.338-04:00I cam across this blog as I am, sadly, part of the...I cam across this blog as I am, sadly, part of the "club" of pain, sadness, depression, and agony as a BS. It's been almost 9 months since DD#1...7 months since #2, and 6 months since #3. Trickle truth sucks. We have completed a 13 week course for infidelity. I have a library of books, articles, websites saved, and lots and lots of other materials that I've collected this year. My husband is a serial cheater...he started his behaviors 14 years ago by frequenting massage parlors. He did that once a year as a "reward" for himself thinking it wasn't really all that bad and certainly not hurtful, since he figured I'd never find out. That went on for many years...as he added to the number of visits for his "happy endings"...he then went on to websites and created profiles to text and meet other married women. He claims he met only a few women and only one for which he grew emotionally close to. Really? That makes me feel so much better...all the while, he's lived the life of a saint...the "best husband" ever, so says my friends and family. Our adult children know of his profile relationship, but not of the other behaviors. He claims he is done with all the cheating and he has dedicated himself to our marriage. I am deeply depressed even though I'm on medication. I look normal on the outside, but I'm a wreck. I am still triggered by many many things and he is growing weary of my dark moods. I know that i need to find healing for myself. I am a faithful woman,and have asked God for his grace in healing my emotional state...but, I'm deeply wounded not to mention that I just had a birthday that officially puts me in the "senior" citizen range. His AP was 15 years younger than me. That makes me feel all the more unattractive. The AP was also on a website for cheaters and has had multiple affairs. He tried to tell me that she was a "nice" person and I know he still holds her close to his heart. She lives less than 5 miles from our house though I have never seen a picture of her, nor know what she looks like, she knows what I look like and details about our family. What I would add to Elle's post is that the WS needs to continue to apologize, daily...for the hurt..wether it's a simple hug with a sorry attached or a more elaborate show of affection. My husband was very affectionate in the beginning but now he has grown sullen and non-expressive. I know that if he slips again, I'm out of the marriage. I have kept a suitcase semi packed for months...he knows it too. I don't use it to threaten him, and I know it bothers him...but not as much as what I have to mentally deal with on a daily basis...Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-8323634421960248272015-03-02T11:26:46.952-05:002015-03-02T11:26:46.952-05:00Melis,
Your story sounds like so many of the stori...Melis,<br />Your story sounds like so many of the stories on this site. Women dying inside while their husband's urge them to "get over it" and "move on." Do they really think we're not trying to do that??<br />Read this post...and ask him to read it too: There's lots he can be doing to support you through this. This is all still so raw for you. The pain does subside but there's lots he can be doing to help.<br />http://betrayedwivesclub.blogspot.ca/2014/04/my-letter-to-husbands-just-talk-about.htmlEllehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-30249749299400155182015-02-26T21:03:30.996-05:002015-02-26T21:03:30.996-05:00Thank you for your positive posts. I just discover...Thank you for your positive posts. I just discovered my husbands affair 5 weeks ago. I feel so lost and alone. I could sense something wasn't right and I confronted him. He denied it at first but I dug deeper and he admitted it. He said it was mostly an emotional affair and that he only kissed this OW a few times. He said had I not pushed for the truth it definitely would have escalated to a more physical affair. <br />We have been married 15 years. We have 3 children. I've never been so hurt in my life. I sought MC right away and we still go. Not sure if we are seeing the right one. but I'm still struggling with moving on because he still works with this woman. He tells me he ended it and he wants to rebuild our marriage. He has shown efforts to show me I matter to him. Although i have worked hard and we have had some great communication, dates, and just good times I find myself falling in a dark hole somedays (like today). I haven't confided in anyone because I thought it would be easier on our marriage and better for him if everyone wasn't aware of our/his struggles. I thought maybe if people knew it would be easier for him to leave us. He has been trying to find another job but we haven't been so lucky. I feel like I have died inside. He keeps telling me to stop focusing on the past and just focus on our future but I don't know how. I feel like he isn't patient with my healing, probably because it makes him feel bad. I want to heal, i hate that this is my new normal. I appreciate your positive thoughts on rebuilding a marriage. I love him and I want our marriage to work. I know everyone is different but Is there a time frame I can look forward to before I can feel peace again? <br />-MelisAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-28318970689477342142015-01-15T10:35:57.648-05:002015-01-15T10:35:57.648-05:00I'm so sorry for all the pain you're in. I...I'm so sorry for all the pain you're in. I've been there. It's hell.<br />There is no one-size-fits-all response to betrayal. Some guys really do acknowledge that they need help and become men who deserve us. Others don't. Or don't sustain that change.<br />Whether or not your husband falls into the former or latter camp remains to be seen.<br />Porn addiction is a very real problem and can evolve into sex addiction. As your husband notes, it's about using sex to momentarily relieve feelings of isolation or anxiety or fear or depression. But that momentarily relief is replaced by feelings of shame and self-loathing.<br />Your fear is justified. It's devastating to be asked to trust the person who's just broken our trust. And right now, he doesn't deserve to be trusted. Whether you stay or go is absolutely your choice and you get to decide. You can decide today or you can decide six months from now or six years from now. It's your path to follow.<br />In the meantime, your husband can get himself treatment for porn/sex addiction and face his demons. If he does the work and remains vigilant, he can absolutely "change his philandering ways". But like any addict, it's not easy. And like any addict's spouse, it's something you'll have to always understand it's an issue.Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-72803673048749123802015-01-14T00:42:04.171-05:002015-01-14T00:42:04.171-05:00Hi Elle, This is my first time on the blog and I m...Hi Elle, This is my first time on the blog and I must say for the 1st time since DDAY I don't feel so alone. My husband confessed to me 2 days ago about his affairs. He's had 6 affairs since we got married 4 years ago. He had sex with 4 and kissed 2. He says he confessed because he wanted to save our marriage and knows that he would never have been able to be the best husband for me and father to our 2 year old daughter if he continued to live a lie. He says he needs help and want to "fix" himself and our marriage. <br /><br />He is taking full responsibility and shows that he is remorseful and ashamed about what he did. Before we got married he confessed that he had had an addiction with pornography in his late teens but had overcome that addiction. He wasn't completely honest as he watched porn early on in our marriage. Which he also confessed to 2 days ago. Insisted that we go for an HIV test which we did and thank God we both came out negative.<br /><br />Cut long story short I know that my husband has had a bad relationship with his father always seeking validation and approval which he never got. He says these sexual encounters gave him validation for a moment but after wards he felt dirty and ashamed. My husband is super talented and good looking but has such a low self esteem. But I never thought he would ever cheat on me, not with 1 but 6 women. I think I want to stay and work on our marriage but I'm so scared. Can someone really change from their philandering ways or is it once a cheat always a cheat? I'm so broken.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-69339888360373765542014-12-09T09:10:49.185-05:002014-12-09T09:10:49.185-05:00Y,
It is NEVER the betrayed spouse's fault. It...Y,<br />It is NEVER the betrayed spouse's fault. It's that simple. There's no question that a marriage is made up of two people -- and there are going to be resentments and disappointments. So while both partners need to take responsibility for their role in a marriage breakdown, it is the responsibility ONLY of the cheating spouse for an affair. That is some HUGE nerve to blame you for HIS choice to lie to you, deceive you and be intimate with someone else. Seriously??<br />Until he's willing to completely own his choice to go outside of your marriage then you're going to be locked in a stalemate. And until he's willing to take a long hard look at the stories he's been telling himself that made him think it was okay to cheat, that he "deserved" it, that you drove him to it...then he's not going to learn a damn thing from this. <br />Does he have a pattern of avoiding responsibility? Is it always someone else's fault? <br />You're confused because you're being asked to take responsibility for something that isn't yours. Once he's able to accept responsibility, then the time will come for you two to both examine your marriage and figure out where it went off the rails, to BOTH be accountable for the breakdown of your marriage. But it is NEVER your fault that he cheated. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-44009088735796809192014-12-08T16:56:35.519-05:002014-12-08T16:56:35.519-05:00ok,
found out 5 months ago.
things have been all o...ok,<br />found out 5 months ago.<br />things have been all over the place and been through all of the above mentioned emotions.<br />The thing is, my spouse did make it personal and basically told me that its my fault, I didn't satisfy his needs as I went back to work after having our then two children, (now three) and I want to know how I move on from that???<br />How do you move on from being the one in the "blame" seat for my partners affair.<br />we made some decisions on how to move forward, some promises he is keeping, one of which treating me well, however when I say well I just mean with respect and caring for me as he should, nothing out of the norm...something which he is not great at!<br />Anyway, a few more promises which he is keeping, however, I cant get over the letter he wrote to me. the letter of Blame, I call it.<br />Imagine, he WROTE ME a letter, explaining the victim he had been of our relationship, and "that" and "I" is what drove him to doing what he did.<br />I cant get over this, I have made the decision of not kicking him out, and giving him and "us" a chance but I WANT a bit of responsibility taken BY HIM!<br />Is that fair?<br />Should I not just listen to his reason for what he did and accept it?<br />Or should I not accept being a victim of an affair (years of visiting prostitutes to be exact) and being blamed also.<br /><br />really confused and overly stressed and suffering.<br /><br />Y.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-35077823263773190932014-09-02T09:47:26.674-04:002014-09-02T09:47:26.674-04:00A big part of healing from a spouse's affair i...A big part of healing from a spouse's affair is having total transparency, which means you have access to his computer, cell phone, whatever. It also means that he discloses to you any contact (and there should be none) he has with the OW. You need to know that the door to that affair is closed and the door to you is open. If he won't agree to that, then it's a problem, even if he thinks he's "protecting" you. Honesty is the only way forward.<br />It sounds as if you've had problems beyond the affair though. If you choose to rebuild your marriage, then it must be done with each of you taking responsibility for the roles you've played in the breakdown of the marriage. You need to get on top of your anxiety and depression, which might mean meds. And then you need to get yourselves a good couples counsellor to keep you on track to a healthy relationship. I'm guessing neither of you knows what a healthy relationship looks like, which is why a counsellor is so crucial.<br />Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-66089835829062852152014-08-24T23:18:34.883-04:002014-08-24T23:18:34.883-04:00It has been a month since my husband told me that ...It has been a month since my husband told me that he had an affair. We have been married for 16 years. Our marriage hasn't always been the best I haven't always been there for him emotionally or physically. The affair started 3 months prior at that time I had told him I wanted a divorce and didn't want to work on the marriage. He then confided in his friend who was a female who offered him a shoulder to cry on. I then 2 weeks later told himi wanted to work on the marriage not knowing he was starting a relationship with her. At first he said he didn't want to anymore. He then later agreed to a trial sseparation that I had suggested to see if thatwas what we really wanted. During this time we went out together some and were intimate. He then decided after he was under an investigation at work and that he had the potential of losing his job which I was being supportive during that he wanted me to stay. He still has his job and the investigation is over. During this time he told me he had an affair and feels terrible about it and wishes he had waited to know for sure it was over between us before starting a different relationship. He said he feels guilty and like he hurt both of us. He also wants to work on the relationship and we are in counseling. I am also on antidepressants and antianxiety meds now. Which I was already deppressed before all this hapened. He has told me the details and even when she had called or text him after telling me about it. I told him I don't fault him for it since we weren't in a good place at the time. I don't think he immediately broke it off though because to weeks ago he took a secretive call and came back very upset and got drunk and then wanted to talk again about how he felt about the affair. We have over the past month been doing counceling, dating, and being intimate. The only thing is that bothers me is he dosent want to tell me her name and has denied it was the person I suspected it was. I discovered a letter in his truck she wrote him saying how much she loves him and will wait for him that was written a month ago. I am having a hard time getting over it and wonder if he dosent want to tell me who she is so he can try to stay friends with her. Should I confront him about the letter or trust that he isn't still in contact with her. I really hate her she got a divorce a year ago because she cheated on him with a different man who was married. And that person decided to stay with his wife and broke it off with her. I feel like she is a predator who when married men are vulnerable tries to steal them away. My husband is currently spending all his free time with me now and constantly tells me how much he loves me. He has been talking about plans after we retire and about vacations with just us and ones with the kids. I still have alot of anxiety and panic attacks about the affair and whether he still wants to be with her. She is alot younger then me. I'm just trying to figure out if I told him I know who it was he had the affair with and saw the letter if it would help heal or make things worse. I don't know I just am having a hard time with the fact he dosent want to say who it really was instead of telling me it was someone I never met. I don't know if he thinks I'll just not trusr him around his friends again or it is incase he decides to start up the relationship again once I seem more comfortable in the marriage. I just wish I could read his mind so I would know I made the right decision to stay in the marriage. I keep telling myself that he must have chosen to stay with me because he did have a way out and could've chosen to move in with her. I really need some advice<br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-26692361623806835442014-07-26T19:29:05.378-04:002014-07-26T19:29:05.378-04:00Thank you Elle for positive words on saving a marr...Thank you Elle for positive words on saving a marriage. I can't stand it when people say 'I hope you make it.' We both need to feel safe in our marriage right now in order to put it back together. We have been to counseling and I am not sure we saw the right person. My husband did learn that there was no way for me to live up to the fantasy he crated with the OW and that he would need patience and a lot of love and kindness to help me get through this. He does not want to dwell in the past but would rather work on making the now and our future better than before. How do I get past this though? I know he is here and doing everything right to make me feel secure but I can not get the images out of my mind of the two of them together. How do I not dwell in the past but move forward? My husband seems to have had the typical mid life crisis. Real feelings, embarrassing label. He admits he briefly went crazy. I can actually sort of live with that. I know I did not cause him to have an affair, but I can't understand how he got where he got. We will work through this. We are working through this. I believe we will be stronger on the other side. I just really want to be on the other side.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-65735458875157587542014-07-22T14:24:48.663-04:002014-07-22T14:24:48.663-04:00James,
The "mind movies" as they're ...James,<br />The "mind movies" as they're called, or those snapshots in your brain, are pretty typical. Mine faded with time. I also tended to replace them with more realistic images. We tend to imagine some sort of steamy porn, when the reality is usually more awkward (ie. flabby stomachs, gross noises) and, well, real. You can try behaviour modification techniques -- snapping an elastic on your wrist, for example, which will signal to your brain to not go there. <br />Mostly though? Time. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-35957351405778792812014-07-22T12:55:43.192-04:002014-07-22T12:55:43.192-04:00Maybe I'm crazy for going back and believing i...Maybe I'm crazy for going back and believing in this after what happened, but she keeps giving little things that give me hope, like wanting to come over (she's at her moms for now) normally after dinner to spend time together, wanting to go to therapy together saying i miss you so much and all... Anyway, I had another question hopefully someone can help me out with. While i'm angry at the situation, i honestly am not furious with her.I understand after looking into it it wasn't about me, or us even. but about her brokenness and finding things she wasn't getting(or didn't feel she was) here. <br /><br />But my question is how did you guys (ok, ladies!) get past the stuff randomly popping up in your head. IE the images.. i can be doing something and out of no where i get images of what she did (i mean lets be honest, I have a first person perspective of it heh) and then i feel like absolute garbage for the next while and the images just don't go away for who knows how long over and over. We were at the store yesterday getting something to make dinner (we made dinner and ate together yesterday and I think ti went well) but at one point she walked in front of me and all of a sudden in my head was the fact this actually happened, for that long... and then the images started of it :( <br /><br />Any advice to help get through those times, or help diminish it? I know it may sound absolutely stupid, and I know it won't happen, but its almost like in my head i think if we would be intimate it would help push it away slightly, since there would eb fresh memories of us. I know that may make is 100 times worse when push comes to shove if we tried right now, though.. and.. well just say it 'wouldn't work' :(<br />Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04521403163415500435noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-71537880241321856022014-07-16T09:56:19.543-04:002014-07-16T09:56:19.543-04:00James, We ALL get OCD around this. Our thoughts go...James, We ALL get OCD around this. Our thoughts go round and round and make us crazy.<br />I would urge you to get counselling yourself. It's understandable to get fearful that she'll leave. But I get the sense that your fear is deeper than that. Like real abandonment stuff. <br />Whatever she ultimately decides to you, you will be fine, I promise. That's not the same as saying it won't hurt. It will. But you will be fine. The key is knowing that you are enough, no matter what anyone else says. When you come to a relationship with that conviction -- that you are enough -- it changes everything. You can still learn to be a good partner. You can eliminate behaviours that are hurtful to your partner. But if you're always holding on to them out of fear, then it's not a healthy relationship.<br />Please also recognize that she has betrayed your trust. If she truly wants to rebuild a relationship with you -- to "have what we had" -- then she needs to do some hard work too, starting with total transparency so that you know the relationship is over and that she's being honest and open. If she's not willing to do that, then she's not truly willing to reconcile.<br />It's up to you whether or not you give her time and space. Have you read about the 180? You can read about it here: http://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/<br />It's a good way to get your own head clear..and make it clear to your partner that she can't have it both ways. That you're worthy of respect.<br />Give it a try. And please find yourself a counsellor who can help you through this. It's hell...but it can be easier with those to guide us along.<br /><br />Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-2370063925978466952014-07-15T13:54:47.143-04:002014-07-15T13:54:47.143-04:00I know i had a part of it, i can't try to deny...I know i had a part of it, i can't try to deny that nor do I want to, the initial situation that set it off, in a way. I know i have some stuff to work on, but I'm terribly scared because of the I'm not in love, nto attracted to you thing. She herself even said therapy can't bring it back, but maybe somethign we learn can.. does that seem far fetched? I want to communicate better yet, i want all of the better things but can any of it really bring back those feelings? We both want it to go back like it was before it got to this point, but those few words rip away 99% of the hope and light i saw. How can you want to work on it, have it go back, after 6 months of saying you have no feelings like that left and the actions? Maybe it's just me... The space part I am also concerned about. I know space can do good, and time. however because of those words she said Im scared shell leave again (1 night wont do anythign but get me out of her hair basically, and I understand) and after 6 months what would even make her truely want to? She said she cut everything off with him last night but i will obviously have my doubts and as much as I want her to stay home for the next while vs go out with her friends I know asking will only make it way worse. I don’t trust her, but asking her to stay will make it way worse because it will just be fight upon fight. Any advice?<br />As i was typing this she messaged me and said she wanted to come back and she missed our life …. that 'you’re part of my life.’ so took a chance and said i know but what about the feelings part (with me) and she said yes.. but it was a little unclear. yes she misses me, yes they ar evoking through… blah! The thing is, she said she misses our life, I’m part of her life,but that doesn’t mean she has those feelings (like no bit peeking through) i would think, because she could have left and not come back all those months ago but did.. Maybe I am over thinking this, I tend to get OCD with things that are important.<br />Thanks for listeningAnonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04521403163415500435noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-7691886436372622202014-07-15T11:31:02.885-04:002014-07-15T11:31:02.885-04:00You're not the only man here, though you are o...You're not the only man here, though you are outnumbered by the women. You're, of course, more than welcome here.<br />I'm sorry for what you're going through. Betrayal is excruciating. Everything you're feeling -- the fear, the pain, the confusion -- is "normal" under the circumstances.<br />It sounds, however, as if you're taking a good look at the role you played -- not in your wife's cheating because she has to take full responsibility for that -- but in the state of your marriage. When one partner feels unheard, unvalued, unimportant, he or she is vulnerable to the attention of someone else. Affairs, so often, are people falling for how they feel with the other person, more than the person him/herself. They like feeling sexy and interesting and exciting. <br />I hope you two can work it out. It sounds as if counselling will do you both a whole lotta good. There's absolutely hope -- but you two each have to be committed to rebuilding a relationship built on honesty and compassion and respect. You have to treat it almost like a new relationship and relearn many aspects that simply aren't working, as well as acknowledge your own baggage and deal with it. Hard, but not impossible.<br /><br />ElleEllehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-8646931758120836522014-07-14T19:47:37.009-04:002014-07-14T19:47:37.009-04:00It seems i'm apart of your club, except I'...It seems i'm apart of your club, except I'm the only guy in the situation. I recently had a weird feeling things weren't right when my wife no longer wanted to have sex, or even touch (cuddle, hold hands...) and then she gave me the i need space talk (which ended in a i need space world war 3). I left for a night to a friends and when I came back the next day, shortly after she got home and said she wants to go to therapy. However, 3 days later after saying that she cheated again (same person, about 6 months). She said she didnt know she was going to or anything but after she agreed to therapy we just fought more and I admittedly kept on her about the whole thing. I obsess about stuff, I can admit that now.). fast forward to today, 3 days later... we had another blow out when I confronter her about the whole thing with proof she could not deny about the cheating thing. Just to put a little bit into perspective she has borderline personality disorder and some stuff, which i don't completely understand and I hate that i'm defending her on this! Anyway, so she says she ended it with him and told him she can no longer see him and that she really wants us like we used to be, and wants to try & go to therapy and all. However this is where I'm scared, and not sure if there is hope and hopefully someone can give me some type of light or a shoulder... She also said that she is not in love with me anymore because of how it had gotten (apparently my teasing was real hurtful to her and she never felt my equal which i hate to know thats how she felt..it was never meant to be hurtful). I assume that depressed her, it would anyone, and on top of her other issues and depression it just got to a point where after crying int eh shower for she said for months she pushed her feelings out to where she doesn’t feel the pain or anything. But at the same time is trying and wants therapy together.<br /><br />Now we’re at the point she went to her mothers to stay. she was going to for ‘a while’ but after speaking to her mom it seems she only thinks she will 1 night; her mom and I are talking and her mom for once is completely understanding of my side. But as mentioned I am scared beyond belief about her saying she doesn’t know if the feelings will come back, that she’s not sexually attracted to me anymore…(said it wasn’t about him, it was that he made her feel good and i wasn’t) all whilst at the same time saying she wants to try therapy and wants to get back how we were... although therapy won’t bring it back is hoping something we learn will bring the feelings back. I feel they are still there, just buried deep in baggage.. my reasons are things like she came home to talk about it as soon as I found you and messaged her, she wanted to get her wedding band we sized and cleaned?, when i said i had gotten rid of a few smaller things (cards) she almost started to cry on the spot and went upstairs... Does this seem far fetched, honestly hopeful..? I am so confused, hurt and just sitting here staring aimlessly it seems. I am ready to start the long road to getting past this and working together to heal and become stronger and back to how we once were, but her I don’t know if the feelings will come back.. not attracted but wants to try thing has me confused and worried…. I know now, looking back, I messed up at times a lot and didn’t listen to her when shed say teasing was hurtful bc i couldn’t grasp how it was when i never meant it to me, or how somethings made her feel less then equal to me. I know we weren’t in the best place when it all started and maybe I was blind, stupid, ignorant and didn’t want to see who ti was, but I know how, and I know my effort is there for this. Im just so scared about what she’s said… not sure if it’ll come back, not sexually attracted.. can you can back in love? Can it really be there just buried deep and her pushing feelings out has ti super deep down…?<br /><br />Please help a lonely husband try to see if there’s light a the end of not=(Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04521403163415500435noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-60400296753258446802014-07-03T15:03:44.322-04:002014-07-03T15:03:44.322-04:00Anon,
I hope that for you both too. A year-and-a-h...Anon,<br />I hope that for you both too. A year-and-a-half isn't so long. But I hope she's taking steps to deal with her emotions. Depression, untreated, can get worse until she hardly remembers the possibility that she doesn't have to feel so down. Is she in counselling? Has she ever taken anything for her depression? Does she believe that things are better or is she just biding her time? <br />Are you two in couples counselling? It sounds as if there are things that you need to talk about. You don't want to create a situation where you're forever going over what happened...but it is important to ensure that each of you feels that the relationship is growing stronger and that you have optimism about the future. Couples counselling might be the place where you can discuss this stuff regularly with an open-minded, objective third party.<br />I'm sorry for all you've had to deal with in the past 1 1/2 years. But I admire your resolve and your desire to grow from this. That's the best any of us can ever do.<br /><br />ElleEllehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-35618436447454082082014-07-03T09:37:36.393-04:002014-07-03T09:37:36.393-04:00Hello Elle, well here I am a little over a year an...Hello Elle, well here I am a little over a year and a half later. My wife and I are still together. Here is an update since the last time I posted here.<br /><br />* I have been in a new career for a little over a year (first new job in 13 years)<br />* My wife has gone through several jobs in her profession. The counselor diagnosed her with PTSD, <br />* Our home was foreclosed on.<br />* My mother has passed.<br /><br />I still have to face my personal addiction EVERYDAY and deal with it with the help of close friends. She still struggles and rightfully so. I do wonder at times if she/me are so codependent, if that is the reason we are still together. We don't fight a lot, yet we don't discuss the past a lot either. One thing I do is try to be transparent with my emotions. I worrie about her at times because she shrinks back into her shell and does not open up to her friends. There is not a woman in the world who could be "God's little sister" like my wife. She is caring, thoughtful, a great mom, etc.. yet more days than not she is depressed. I pray that she is not just staying to be staying. My desire is that we can become best friends again as we are a couple of years away of becoming "empty nesters". I know that the hurt will never just go away, but as we continue to grow older together I hope that becoming best friends along with being husband and wife, will soon over shadow the dark past that i brought into her life. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-20923242910912972572014-05-09T10:17:44.891-04:002014-05-09T10:17:44.891-04:00I'm glad you found us. I know your situation w...I'm glad you found us. I know your situation well. I discovered my husband's infidelity has been going on as long as I'd known him. And I remember thinking my whole life was a lie. Part of moving forward, for me, meant going over history and layering my new knowledge on top of it. What I learned wasn't so much that my life was a lie -- it wasn't. My emotions were valid. My experiences were legitimate. And as I got clearer on my husband's feelings throughout, I realized that his cheating was so compartmentalized that, in his mind, it had nothing to do with his life with me.<br />Yes, it sounds crazy. It IS crazy. These guys are incredibly screwed up. And without him seeking treatment for it, you've got little chance to rebuilding a marriage.<br />However, if he's finally completely disgusted with himself and sick of his double life and willing to do whatever it takes to integrate himself into a healthy whole, then it's certainly possible to rebuild a satisfying marriage.<br />My life is something of a "before" and "after" though I think of it less and less like that as time goes on. My husband sought treatment for sex addiction, attended a 12-step group, sought personal counselling...all with the goal to be a better man, father, and husband. He has succeeded and nobody is happier about that than he is. <br />The choice of course is yours. But whether or not you stay together or not, it's in his and your children's best interest for him to become a healthier man.<br /><br />ElleEllehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-54579527547172682712014-05-09T06:18:10.827-04:002014-05-09T06:18:10.827-04:00In searching for answers, support and help I found...In searching for answers, support and help I found this site and I have to say its comforting to know I'm not alone. <br />I have been with my husband for 24 years since I was just 15, married for 18 yrs this year.<br />3 and a half yrs ago I discovered that he was engaging in online emotional affairs with at least 8 women from all around the world. I had known something was going on but spent 6 months biding my time and waiting for him to slip up and drop himself in it, which he inevitably did. My world collapsed, I was completely devastated. He begged me to take him back and try again which I did with the support of marriage guidance. I could not understand the root of his issues as i thought we had always had a good relationship? I gave my husband an opportunity to wipe the slate clean and start afresh, but only if he disclosed all his infidelities to me. He went into great detail about what happened but never admitted physically being with anyone else. My gut told me he was lying but without evidence I had to take his word for it.<br />We worked hard over the next 3 and a half years and my husband retired from a 22 yr career in the military and began working offshore as many ex military men do. I can honestly say that I had never been happier, we were starting a new life, madly in love, hopelessly romantic with an amazing sex life and plans for the future.<br />6 weeks ago he came home and admitted that he hadbeen in contact with 3 prostitutes whilst working offshore and was now concerned that he had caught something!!! To say my world was shattered would be an understatement! Over the next 2 wks I basically interrogated him and was astounded with the information I learned. For 23 years of our relationship I have been lied to and cheated on. He continued to lie his ass off through marriage guidance for fear of me leaving him as he knew the truth was too shocking. Over 23 yrs he has kissed groped and arranged meetings with over 50 women. 11 if these women he has slept with, one of which was a 4 month affair whilst we planned our wedding another over a 2 week period whilst away 3 weeks before we tied the knot. The military life has enabled him to facilitate his cheating and sex addicted lifestyle and moving to an offshore career has obviously re-ignited his need and given him opportunity to bed other women. Until he worked offshore he had not been away since the marriage guidance. He is obviously someone with poor self control and is a blatant opportunist. <br />He now is desperate to change and try and rebuild our marriage but if I'm honest how can we rebuild what was a lie from the beginning? ? I love him with all my heart but I just don't think I can ever trust him again? I know ( through my interrogation) more details than most women could handle, but I needed to know so I could assess if there had been anything that was just us? Or if he had done to them things that I thought were special between us? There is very little left on a physical level that only we have shared and even on an emotional level after the online affairs. Since the revelation he has had a complete mental breakdown and is now receiving psychiatric treatment, so discussing our relationship isnt a priority right now until he is better able to face the consequences of what he has done. Where do I go from here?? I love him and hate him all at the same time! <br />I am a strong and independent woman and being alone isn't something that scares me. We have 2 children and I know he will provide financially for them. I just don't know who I am any more let alone what I want?? I feel my whole life has been a lie!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com