tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post2361713428710624813..comments2024-03-27T21:50:33.178-04:00Comments on Betrayed Wives' Club: Guest post: A Post-Betrayal Guide to Surviving the Holidays (or Just Surviving)Ellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comBlogger44125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-1762551937219066962015-01-03T17:02:39.183-05:002015-01-03T17:02:39.183-05:00To bittersweet, the statistics say that she likely...To bittersweet, the statistics say that she likely is not the love of his life. Something like 3% of affairs end up as successful marriages. He may think she's love of his life, she may think it, u may think it, but I don't think so. U sound like a pretty great person who is taking this a lot better than many of us. I agree with Elle-- he may come to realize this or he may not & if he doesn't ur better off.<br /><br />SamAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-41751027132873588312014-12-30T16:11:31.269-05:002014-12-30T16:11:31.269-05:00Bittersweet but you sound a whole lot more sweet t...Bittersweet but you sound a whole lot more sweet than bitter. I fear he'll learn too late that he lost the best thing that happened to him (you) but that's his loss. In the meantime, I predict great things for you. Keep us posted.Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-90259636526281647412014-12-24T07:42:56.912-05:002014-12-24T07:42:56.912-05:00I have no memory of last Christmas...cloaked in an...I have no memory of last Christmas...cloaked in anger and bewilderment, I have pretty much shut it all out. I learned about the affair, from the two of them together, the night before Thanksgiving 2013. It was cruel and terrifying. I could only resort to being a zombie. A few weeks later, I requested that they tell the betrayed husband. Which she did and he promptly left her, two weeks before Christmas. Their divorce is done, but I am still here with my husband, because he runs our business, and he could not survive without my income. It is all frustrating. Up until last week, there was still contact because he felt guilty about their marriage ending and he loves her. Meanwhile, I am the gravy train, working my butt off to provide for the two of us (no kids, thank goodness) and trying to sell the business. <br /><br />However, this holiday season has been joyful. I have thrown myself into the planning and preening and have found a new spirit. I attended every party and accepted all invitations. A big step forward.<br /><br />This morning, I am reading through the advice and wishing that I had seen this post last year. (I just found you all.) I wish that I had not told so many people. I wish that I hadn't been so patient with the both of them, waiting for their affair to run its course. I have come to the conclusion that in his heart, this was the great love of his life and I will never be enough. BUT...guess what? He is not enough for me. But, I will smile and have a good time with his family tomorrow, because I love them and this may be our last holiday together. Bittersweet. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-55593361292047482322014-12-22T09:19:31.773-05:002014-12-22T09:19:31.773-05:00Oh gosh, the temptation to tell on her is just soo...Oh gosh, the temptation to tell on her is just soooooo HUGE. So I will tell you what I think, instead of what I would like to do. Let it be. Let it lie. Unless you want to stir up the hornets nest. If it is her, she's obvious just proving she's an idiot. Makes sense that it was her since no message was left. Lovely people aren't they? (Silently I scream)Steamnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-7334148751852832072014-12-19T22:02:57.535-05:002014-12-19T22:02:57.535-05:00Hey Steam, thank you for asking. I called the num...Hey Steam, thank you for asking. I called the number and left a voicemail message for him to call me. It has been 10 days and he hasn't called. This makes me wonder if "she" might have used her husbands phone to call our home. Its the only way she can get through because my husband blocked all of her numbers on dday. This woman isn't very bright, so it wouldn't surprise me. I warned her on dday that if she ever contacted me again I would take legal action and also post her nasty video/photos anywhere and everywhere on the internet. That seems to have worked until now. I honesty can't imagine what she hopes to gain by calling my H. He realized early on that it was wrong and was trying to extricate himself from the situation. At first he tried to just be honest but her behavior made him think it wasnt going to be so easy. He tried to be kind and said he couldn't give her what she wanted. His breaking point came with a pretty disgusting video she made of herself and sent via text. He responded with an honest text about how disgusting she was, and then the threats came. Within hours of that came my dday, her revenge on him. His final text to her was very clear. He then blocked all of her phone numbers, changed his cell number and email address. We didn't do a no contact letter because he feels he had already broken it off with her way before dday. So, what on earth does this woman who advertises her need for no strings attached sex on CL want? Do you think I should continue to call her husbands cell phone or just leave it alone and block his phone number too? Random Thoughtsnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-17279176881973437902014-12-19T12:59:40.681-05:002014-12-19T12:59:40.681-05:00Random thoughts! I have been thinking bout your fo...Random thoughts! I have been thinking bout your for days. What happened with the man/voicemail?Steamnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-16917693963125430922014-12-11T00:00:47.097-05:002014-12-11T00:00:47.097-05:00I'm having a bit of an anxiety attack. We'...I'm having a bit of an anxiety attack. We've been doing well but today I felt something off all day. When I checking the missed calls on our home phone today I saw a number I didn't recognize. I called it and got a mans voicemail. I was pretty freaked out when I realized that its the OWs husband. I've wanted to contact him since dday but was afraid of putting my husband at risk. But now he has found us. I left him a voicemail but he hasn't called back. Part of me is glad he found us, maybe we'll get some closure, part of me is scared. I hope he isn't a violent man. I also don't know if he is calling for my husband or me.... Looks like its going to be another sleepless night. When will.it all just go away?Random Thoughtsnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-18451819839153875382014-12-10T12:26:15.308-05:002014-12-10T12:26:15.308-05:00To the woman worried about the awkward silences:
...To the woman worried about the awkward silences:<br /><br />1. Sometimes silence is ok. U don't have to fill it with small talk. It gives him a chance to talk. It lets him see u r sad, u r pensive, u r changed as a result of what has happened. It lets u both see some things & issues r so important it makes other things seem so trivial that u don't want to discuss them.<br /><br />2. I was never much of a loner, but since d day I have engaged in more alone activities that are just for me: taking piano lessons & practicing every day, resuming my crocheting, & reading everything I can about infidelity then moving on to other topics when it felt I didn't need the affair help as much.<br /><br />3. U & ur husband don't have to talk to be able to reconnect. It's fine if u don't feel like talking, but don't shun him or shut him out either. Some things my books suggest are going to movies or shows-- things u can do together without having to talk much (unlike say going for a walk).<br /><br />4. I have read in many books: fake it til u make it. Any time u feel loving feelings towards him, either tell him or text him or leave him a note that he will find later in the day. Expressing ur love will help u feel it.<br /><br />5. People respond to positive reinforcement so even on days u don't want to talk or can't stand to look at him, If he does something thoughtful let him know u appreciate it. Say thank u for doing this or thank u for askin that or thank u for suggesting this or it was thoughtful of u to do that. The more u show him u appreciate, the more hell do. The more he does the more positive memories u will create from this point that will go a long way to rebuilding ur relationship.<br /><br />6. Sitting in silence is ok. U can still connect physically by holding hands or cuddling or putting ur arm around him.<br /><br />7. Several books suggested engaging in an activity as a couple that ur good at. I found I had much more positive feelings about my husband when we did things as a family with my kids. That was mentioned in 1 of my books.<br /><br />7. U can try something new together which Weill give u something to discuss other than the affair/s or ur relationship. U will also make new memories.<br /><br />Good luck<br /><br />SamAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-41792940457016616502014-12-10T07:22:10.656-05:002014-12-10T07:22:10.656-05:00I am in the same boat.. i cant forget nor forgive ...I am in the same boat.. i cant forget nor forgive even if <br />I tryAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-42219362188661761752014-12-09T08:50:50.078-05:002014-12-09T08:50:50.078-05:00Anon,
Both Lynn (above) and Random Thoughts (below...Anon,<br />Both Lynn (above) and Random Thoughts (below) have good advice. Take care of yourself. Don't assume that silence is distance. You've undergone a shock and your brain needs to digest all the new information. There is no "normal", or rather, whatever you're experiencing is your new "normal". Give yourself time. Breathe. Take care of yourself. I know it might not seem helpful because we're so programmed to DO something, to FIX things. But that's one of the lessons hidden in this heartbreak. We learn that simply being is enough. We learn that stillness can heal. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-18055493198811357202014-12-08T21:53:10.797-05:002014-12-08T21:53:10.797-05:00anon,
i felt the same way. i am now 3.5 months, 1...anon,<br />i felt the same way. i am now 3.5 months, 110 days out from d day (but whos counting!) i spent alot of time with friends and family, none of whom knew that my H had cheated. alot of the time it was mutual friends, so we would go out together. it made me feel somewhat normal, and gave me a break from the most horrendous time in my life. make time to do things you want to do... just because you have decided to stay means that you must want to be around your H at all times... not the case! go shopping, get a massage, a mani, pedi. you deserve it. sometimes.not being around your husband and being reminded of what he has done to hurt you is the best medicine. <br />i found it took until recently to look at my husband and see a potential light of hope in repairing our relationship. its a LONG road ahead. i am by no means in a place where i can say i dont have pain, and sadness everyday, but i also have some smiles and laughs now... i know in time we will all prosper. time is all we need. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-47152183968050985342014-12-08T21:23:46.685-05:002014-12-08T21:23:46.685-05:00I found that the silence was absolutely normal...s...I found that the silence was absolutely normal...sometimes, I spent hours alone up in my room because I would rather be alone in silence.<br /><br />You are in the early stages, conversation will either happen, or it will not...be prepared for anything. You may not want to hear some things he has to say. <br /><br />The conversation doesn't always need to be about the affair itself. It's a tough journey. I am just at the 6 month mark, and for us, it has gotten easier, but there were times that I thought it would never work.<br /><br />I still have triggers, it is not perfect by any means. <br /><br />All the best to you!!Rachellenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-79848214834392359332014-12-08T19:04:50.852-05:002014-12-08T19:04:50.852-05:00I am a year out not all days are good but your rea...I am a year out not all days are good but your reaction is you are in shock but you are NORMAL! I was in shock for at least 4 months walking around like a zombie. It was only therapy that taught us how to talk to each other and open up. How long have you been married? How did you find out? The amount of the damage is the amount of healing and time it will take. Take care of yourself and only worry about yourself for the next few months. A bomb has just dropped out of the sky on your head you are going to be shell shockedAnonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17219895095283341385noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-2853291479767483822014-12-08T18:58:47.970-05:002014-12-08T18:58:47.970-05:00Jess, I loved your take on the view of the OW of y...Jess, I loved your take on the view of the OW of your husband. I never really thought about it. The OW thought he had money but it was really my salary. She looked at his new truck which I traded in my expensive car. made me smile thanksAnonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17219895095283341385noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-32349132912922472312014-12-08T18:55:48.622-05:002014-12-08T18:55:48.622-05:00I've only been dealing with this three weeks l...I've only been dealing with this three weeks longer than you. So, while my experience isn't extensive, it is recent. Here is what has helped us, though every couple is different.<br /><br />1. Spend this time doing things that make you happy and bring you comfort. Do more for yourself than you ever would have before. do something to lighten your heart, make yourself feel good, etc. You deserve this right now. <br /><br />2. Look into yourself and decide how far you are wiling to go to work on your marriage. Discuss what you expect from your husband and tell him what you will not tolerate. If he is still there, you have power, use it. Communicate often and honestly about what you need to continue to fight for your marriage. <br /><br />3. I know its hard to look at him and talk to him, but if you want to stay together you need to take this opportunity to explore where it all went wrong. My husband felt so bad about what he had done, he became an open book. We talked about the details of the "event" until we were both quite sick of it. But, we eventually moved beyond that to reminiscing about the good times and finally opening up about how we got to this point. If he is interested in fixing this he will participate in these conversations and also find other ways to reconnect with you. Honestly, after what he has done, he should he bending over backwards to help you understand how it happened and that it will never. happen again. If he isn't, I question his sincerity in wanting to rebuild the marriage.<br /><br />4. It really helped me to explore my options. I looked into our finances and did some research regarding selling our home, liquidating, etc. I realized that though my standard of living would be completely different, I could do it all on my own if I had to. That took a lot of the fear out of the situation. I knew I could make it on my own and that I had OPTIONS. Having options makes staying and fighting a CHOICE rather than a need and that makes you stronger!<br /><br />5. Take this opportunity to examine this broken thing, your marriage and yourselves. Keep only the most amazing pieces and build something beautiful.<br /><br />That's my two cents, for what its worth. Wishing you all the best!<br /><br />~Random Thoughts/ Legal Lass depending on my mood...... <br /><br />Random Thoughtsnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-13681259071639569572014-12-08T18:55:10.947-05:002014-12-08T18:55:10.947-05:00Jess I love you point of view of how the OW viewed...Jess I love you point of view of how the OW viewed your husband. I think the OW viewed my husband as having money ( my salary). I never really thought about it but this really helped me today and made me smile to think about it. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17219895095283341385noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-30895236832925840162014-12-08T12:10:10.325-05:002014-12-08T12:10:10.325-05:00I am 8 weeks out and I need to ask you ladies for ...I am 8 weeks out and I need to ask you ladies for help. I no longer know how to be with my husband. I have nothing to say. When we are together, I can't look at him. How am I supposed to be? What did you say and do with him to get through the days? It is so awkward and the silence is deafening. I have no interest in small talk and there's only so much we can say about everything that's happened. Help!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-87085384492185705042014-12-08T10:10:30.264-05:002014-12-08T10:10:30.264-05:00Lynn,
Yes, you will survive. Stay focussed on self...Lynn,<br />Yes, you will survive. Stay focussed on self-care, which is being responsible FOR yourself (keeping yourself safe and not doing things you resent) and TO others, to treat them with honesty. That's it.Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-23857112534882726882014-12-08T10:08:18.371-05:002014-12-08T10:08:18.371-05:00Jess,
Spill away. It's important to have a pla...Jess,<br />Spill away. It's important to have a place where you can let all the awful thoughts out. They lose their power over us when we release them from the shadows.<br />Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-76681042470894999372014-12-08T10:06:13.079-05:002014-12-08T10:06:13.079-05:00C,
Expectations have been absolutely the biggest c...C,<br />Expectations have been absolutely the biggest challenge of my life. They have stood in the way of so much joy. It's still hard for me but I'm getting so much better at just showing up and letting life unfold, trusting that, no matter what happens, I'll be okay. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-8617268673058988252014-12-08T10:04:08.535-05:002014-12-08T10:04:08.535-05:00Random Thoughts,
Sounds like you've got a rea...Random Thoughts,<br /><br />Sounds like you've got a really good perspective around this. I'm sorry you've had to go through so much pain to get there. <br /><br />Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-72590903976689602112014-12-08T09:51:36.766-05:002014-12-08T09:51:36.766-05:00Steam,
I think a lot of us get blindsided when we&...Steam,<br />I think a lot of us get blindsided when we're going along, things are looking up, and then - bam! - a date reminds us, or we hear something or see something. It can be easy to feel like we're backsliding but I don't think that's the case. I think we need to circle around these feelings over and over, each time getting a bit clearer on what they're telling us. As you noted, this year doesn't have nearly the same pain as last year. And it will, of course, continue to get better. But I think we all need to expect that there will be triggers or moments when it all feels raw. And to give ourselves permission to feel it.<br />Happy trails!Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-53462459123609873082014-12-06T19:04:40.319-05:002014-12-06T19:04:40.319-05:00I like your post gives us all hope especially the ...I like your post gives us all hope especially the I will survive regardless. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17219895095283341385noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-45105252937801524572014-12-05T21:47:57.666-05:002014-12-05T21:47:57.666-05:00I know the feeling of being depressed this holiday...I know the feeling of being depressed this holiday season. I am trying to keep it all together and not head on that downward spiral. I am now 6 months out from d day and feel I'm moving past the hysterical bonding phase to one of reliving the memories of him being with the ow. He at one point wasn't sure if he wanted to be with me or her. Before I was even aware of the affair she was pressuring him to leave me for her. Our marriage wasn't good at the time and there were discussions of divorce before the affair. I just feel it wasn't fair that I didn't have all the information about the affair when I made the decision to work on improving the marriage and going to counseling and the ow did of course. He made the decision to stay with me and we had started counseling before he disclosed to me about the affair. She got to willingly participate in the affair and even gave him a letter saying how she would always love him and would wait for him. I have been mentally rereading the letter in my mind and been thinking about him with her replaying in my mind. I think of the great prize I have won (I mean that sarcastically). He has ed, has high blood pressure, drinks to much at times, and isn't even 40 yet. Sometimes I think I should've let her have him with all his downfalls so she could see what a real winner she was getting. She only got to see the good parts and not the fact he is kinda a slob too and his meds for blood pressure makes him drowsy a lot. I mentally picture her perfect image she had of him crumble and how I could've laughed at her for trying to steal him. I am trying to not think about all of his negative qualities but they pop in my mind when I think about her. He really has been trying to be a better person nowadays and I'm sure I won't always just remember his bad qualities. The other thing I laugh at is the fact the ow is a very selfish and greedy person that if he had stayed with would have had them drowning in debt. I have actually met her a few times before she divorced her husband and know she spends well above her means. She got a divorce because he didn't want to stay with her after she had cheated on him with a different married man who decided to stay with his wife. Wow what a prize the b**** would've been for my husband as well. Sorry for my rants but I didn't want to just keep all of these emotions bottled up. On a positive note I only think about this for a small portion of each day and then focus on things to make me feel good about me. Thank goodness my husband tells me daily how happy and lucky he feels that I'm here with him. If he didn't make me feel like he thought he was the lucky one in the situation I would've told him goodbye and good luck with that selfish bitch.<br /><br />JessAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-84486681504399761552014-12-05T19:28:01.354-05:002014-12-05T19:28:01.354-05:00I love that everyone who is posting knows that it ...I love that everyone who is posting knows that it is ok to let this first Christmas slide. Thank you! That in itself makes me feel better. Like another writer, I wanted us to have our own Christmas- we never have had our very own, no one else Christmas. I've suggested a trip away, but know that it won't be this year. BUT...the good news since I posted- my H planned a surprise trip for us this coming week (!), and it's only because we got our wires crossed that I even know about it. He's never done anything like this- it's as close to spontaneous as we've ever come! All I know is where we're going- what we're going to do when we get there...he's keeping that a surprise. He said he wants to help me get my Christmas back, and he wants Christmas to be good. He's very upset that he's ruined this time of year for me. So he's really trying and right now, I feel so much better. My expectations for this Christmas are now very low and I'm going to take care of myself. Will there be a tree? I don't know. Cookies? Decorated house? I don't know. And now I know it will be ok if none of that happens. And if I need to get the flu, well, I will and not feel bad about it. I love that everyone on this site provides support for everyone else and helps everyone know what is normal and what to expect along the way to recovery. <br />And Dec. 5 anonymous- you are right- painful events are survivable- my H's lost years are painful, but we'll survive that, too, and our marriage is going to be better. I wasn't sure of that just a month ago. Maybe that's my Christmas present this year.<br />This site is a life saver. <br />C.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com