tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post3146656247949248641..comments2024-03-27T21:50:33.178-04:00Comments on Betrayed Wives' Club: Is Hope Lying to You?Ellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comBlogger32125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-64570047963477584572017-07-15T14:35:54.545-04:002017-07-15T14:35:54.545-04:00So true. My ex married his mistress one year after...So true. My ex married his mistress one year after our divorce. I still had hope. It has taken a few years of hoping we would still work out until I realized hope was keeping me stuck. Whenever I had a hopeful thought I would stab it in the heart by saying to myself "he's never coming back." Hope is sometimes not reality. Especially for us who have been left for the other woman.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-71748899779642375662017-06-23T01:45:32.710-04:002017-06-23T01:45:32.710-04:00This is really helpful, Christine. My h is now doi...This is really helpful, Christine. My h is now doing meditation, helpful household tasks and sometimes we manage real communication. However he is still "getting over" his break-up with the ow and is not emotionally available or affectionate to me. His words are few- except for talking about work or non-relationship matters. My hope is frittering away, but it's still there a bit. I'm leaving the apartment in 2 weeks with our daughter who is 2 years old. We're going to have 6 weeks (summer) to reflect. He may or may not come to see his child (I HOPE for her sake that he does). I do not know what will happen after the summer, but hope to nurture myself enough during that time to help myself see more clearly.Selkienoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-64978294779116153762017-06-22T16:01:01.361-04:002017-06-22T16:01:01.361-04:00Hugs, Periwinkle! ❤️
I'm with you on wanting t...Hugs, Periwinkle! ❤️<br />I'm with you on wanting to trust and feel whole again. I'm still fighting my own battles but I feel myself getting better. For a long time I worried about whether or not to trust my husband again. Over the past two years his actions have shown me how hard he's working. But for a long time, there was that little voice inside reminding me of what he was capable of. That voice has quieted down and there's a calmness inside me and I remember that nothing he could do would say a damn thing about me. <br />I have more work to do on my own. I still struggle with boundaries outside of my marriage, with learning to say no without feeling guilty and with self compassion. It's baby steps but I'm getting there.Dandelionhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07422695784998995973noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-75876776879807625292017-06-22T07:31:03.901-04:002017-06-22T07:31:03.901-04:00Periwinkle
I think I understand how that word is ...Periwinkle <br />I think I understand how that word is a trigger word for you. The cow in my world has the most common first name in the nation and I too tried to cut it out of my head but every commercial on tv seemed to have a person with that name so I did some fast clicking off for a while and I began to listen to the sounds of nature instead! I can agree that I too want to believe in my h again! It's taken a long time and I'm still working on it but he is truly doing the best he can so the rest is up to me! Sending you hugs because trust comes back slowly!Theresahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11767712425596090138noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-30119255166695874352017-06-21T17:20:34.083-04:002017-06-21T17:20:34.083-04:00My apologies in advance to Elle. You are wonderful...My apologies in advance to Elle. You are wonderful and what you do here is is truly, mind-bogglingly amazing. But I hate this post. I hate this post because that word, repeated over and over, the word that speaks of the thing most of you search for to keep going forward, stings like the jabbing of tiny daggers. It pierces and it hurts. "Is Hope Lying to You?" the post asks. Why, yes, in fact, she was. Hope is the other woman, that is her name. So I try to exorcise that terrible word from my vocabulary, twisting myself into linguistic contortions so as not to have to say her name. <br /><br />Optimism. That's what I try to find. Hope is indeed an evil let loose in the world by Pandora. Out of the box came this horrible, wounding creature called expectation. So, Hope--both the literal and the figurative--is to blame for my pain. The expectation that my husband would honor our vows, honor me, honor our family. And literally Hope, the pathetic married woman who needed to feel powerful or wanted or whatever it was she got from starting an affair with my husband without a care of what it would do to her husband and family or our family. <br /><br />I don't want hope. I want a better word. I want to trust. I want to relax. I want to feel whole. All of that, without hope and all she means. I want to believe again, and if I can believe again, then really, who needs the evil Hope?Periwinklehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12650541534444179504noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-71143504440847027772017-06-21T15:39:07.898-04:002017-06-21T15:39:07.898-04:00Hurt in Ohio, Elle is so right. My H is not emoti...Hurt in Ohio, Elle is so right. My H is not emotionally verbal. He has made so many changes it is almost like he had a lobotomy. Let me be clear, I still don't trust him. I lost - he has my back type of trust. I don't think I will get it back and that maybe part of my growth. Something's my husband does is - he communicates better his vulnerabilities. He also empties the dishwasher, washes the clothes, opens my car door, brings me flowers every week. If I express a need he stops whatever he is doing to meet my need. I love jewelry and he cashed out part of his retirement to buy iy it. He took money out of his retirement which leaves him vulnerable to financial instability to pay off the house. This is a guy who had his glass out and rattled it when he wanted more to drink. This guy was a casual sex guy. This guy had a two year affair. This guy never cleaned anything. My therapist said, "You married an asshole." He didn't read any books on infidelity but never missed a therapy appointment. If you H doesn't show positive signs that you expect to show he deserves a chance after he gets out of the affair fog, maybe you just married an asshole too. I caution you on gauging change by your ability to trust him. That maybe gone forever. Lynne Less Painhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06982712189370021716noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-18224598126698380772017-06-21T12:39:32.397-04:002017-06-21T12:39:32.397-04:00Hazel,
He's like a cornered dog right now. If ...Hazel,<br />He's like a cornered dog right now. If he does remember, then he's terrified that all the work you two have done to get to where you are now will completely blow up because of a visit to a coffee shop 18 months ago. If he doesn't remember, then he's still terrified that everything will blow up for an event that he can't recall.<br />Either way, he feels utterly screwed.<br />This is why I don't subscribe to the "if you ever do [blank] again, it's over" school of thought. I'm all for setting clear boundaries. But couples need to create space for each other to admit screwing up. It needs to feel somewhat "safe" to admit things. Otherwise, the stakes are too high and it's preferable to lie or dodge.<br />Are you two in counselling? This might be something to bring up with a counsellor who can keep things from going completely off the rails. I know our counsellor wanted a "disclosure" session where everything was put on the table so that there wouldn't be any secrets/lies/etc. going forward. I opted out. I knew everything I needed to know. But I can see how it's helpful to start again with something of clean slate. <br />However, if you truly believe he hasn't changed at all, then it sounds as if you're ready to separate. Giving someone that amount of time, if absolutely nothing has changed and he is simply incapable of honesty, then it's a losing battle. If, however, you think, as I do, that he's terrified and doesn't know how to deal with his fear, then try and talk about it. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-92221287494132420632017-06-21T12:38:51.856-04:002017-06-21T12:38:51.856-04:00Hazel, I was amazed at how many things I found and...Hazel, I was amazed at how many things I found and my husband totally "forgot". I felt like how could he forget a secret fake email, a fake FB page, IM'ing at least a dozen women??? For him the affairs were the biggest offense of all and the others were no big deal to him. Also there were things he said on dday and the months following. If I bring them up now stating exactly what he said he says no I did not say that and I know he did. Even though my husband ended his affairs 15 months before dday on his own he was still in that affair fog or minimize damage/compartmentalize everything mode. It is hard but as Elle said I had to sit down and say do all the details matter? It is something I had to think long and hard about. Sometimes things still get to me. What I did was say now moving forward this is what I need. I do not want to be a police detective and will not be in a relationship that requires that. I expect transparency, authenticity and no contact among a long list of other boundaries. It is still a work in progress but it can help.Hopeful 30noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-30173892366414489832017-06-21T12:34:04.127-04:002017-06-21T12:34:04.127-04:00Beagle Mom,
Where you are is a really good place. ...Beagle Mom,<br />Where you are is a really good place. Once you realize that you can create the life you want -- and he's welcome to join you as long as he's contributing to making life better -- there's no turning back. He's got a lot of shame to work through before he can be there for you emotionally. I suspect that's what's getting the way of being able to show up in front of friends and family. And while I feel sorry for him, it's on him to deal with that or accept that his shame will ultimately lead to losing you.<br />That's the thing with healing from betrayal. It's not enough to just stop cheating. The cheater needs to do the incredibly hard work of figuring out why he did what he did and how he's going to never do it again. He needs to dig deep into his beliefs about himself. And that's painful work. But it's the only way to a deeper, richer marriage (or a deeper, richer life). Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-58367145721760524772017-06-21T12:30:19.051-04:002017-06-21T12:30:19.051-04:00Hazel,
Not to make excuses for cheaters but he mig...Hazel,<br />Not to make excuses for cheaters but he might be telling the truth when he says he forgets. These guys become masters at compartmentalizing.<br />And here's the thing: What would it change if it he admitted to it? Would you throw him out? File for divorce? If it's really important, ask him to submit to a lie detector. There are lots of companies that administer them and they're quite familiar with infidelity.<br />But consider what difference it would make. If he's doing what he can to make amends, then it might be something to file under "affair fog" and move forward. I'm not saying it's okay. None of this is okay. But at a certain point, if we're interested in rebuilding a marriage, we need to decide which hill we're willing to die on and which we're not. <br />I like Beagle Mom's approach. He should know that any dishonesty from him going forward is unacceptable. And you should have clear boundaries in place to make it clear that there are consequences to any lies. This isn't about uncovering lies from before (of which there are likely plenty) but about lies now. You're giving him the chance to be better. If he can't/won't do it, then he's telling you what your future will be. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-9873073056041583772017-06-21T09:38:14.306-04:002017-06-21T09:38:14.306-04:00Hi Hazel, When did the A end? Can you get any othe...Hi Hazel, When did the A end? Can you get any other data from 18 mos ago - cell phone records, bank/credit card statements, personal/work emails? You may find information that makes it more or less likely that he is telling the truth or lying. browneyedgirlnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-84295602440508286122017-06-21T07:15:57.382-04:002017-06-21T07:15:57.382-04:00Of course he is. While I don't hold out a lot ...Of course he is. While I don't hold out a lot of hope for my relationship, I can believe him when he says he isn't seeing her. My security cameras show him getting home on time, unbeknownst to him, I have access to his email, phone records and social media. I too found something from his past affair and he "couldn't remember " when he got the bday card from her or why he kept it. Went to my therapist and she asked can I live without knowing the truth? I decided to let him keep this lie, but did put him on notice, no more lies, insults or he is out. I discovered his affair, told her boyfriend, her Dad and broke them up. He is either afraid of me going bat crap crazy again or he wants to feel like he gets to keep one lie. Not excusing his lie, but explaining it. It is probably the same with your husband. I'm sorry for you. Beagle Momnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-16481227523693060892017-06-21T06:27:00.417-04:002017-06-21T06:27:00.417-04:00Sorry...last night I was raw and mad. How do I ex...Sorry...last night I was raw and mad. How do I explain that I don't care about the details from 18 months ago. I know he was thick in the middle of the affair at this time, but thought it was texting. It is more the fact that he is STILL lying now. It is like he hasn't learnt ANYTHING. He honestly expects me to believe that he went to her city because he fancied it and...from all the 100s of coffee shops in that city he just happened to choose one 2 minutes walk from her work. Honestly...does he think I completely stupid?<br /><br />I am struggling to hold me temper. He won't admit to it...I have to let it go and move on, so does that mean that my marriage is done over one receipt?<br /><br />I am sick of this. Sick of the false hope. Sick of believing he has changed only for this type of thing to happen. He hasn't changed at all.Hazelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09905065891917553236noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-54539915400484627932017-06-20T22:16:18.688-04:002017-06-20T22:16:18.688-04:00Hi Hazel
I like you, have found things (photos, re...Hi Hazel<br />I like you, have found things (photos, receipts etc) that my H swears never happened - but HERE'S THE PROOF!! The lies are continuous with my h, as with yours. It's that gut feeling isn't it, that we try to suppress? I'm just sending you loving support, as I don't have any answers as no matter what I say to my h, he won't tell me all the truths. He is just a body full of disgusting lies.<br />Hugs to you Hazel<br />Gabby xoAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-58425800645304157172017-06-20T22:05:01.185-04:002017-06-20T22:05:01.185-04:00Yesterday was the one year anniversary of Dday2. T...Yesterday was the one year anniversary of Dday2. The day before was Father's Day and I had lost my father earlier this year. Was not in a happy place, and as I was journaling, I realized the man who is supposed to love me the most is not there emotionally. I traveled back and forth between my house and the hospital almost every day (50 miles one way)alone ,went to his funeral by myself,because he was concerned my friends or family might say something. The list of selfish actions was staggering. He is good at doing things,not providing emotional support. I wanted to talk about it, but he refused. I wanted him to understand how I was tired of the heavy lifting and feeling alone and unloved in my own house. I finally said my peace later in the day on Father's Day and told him no more. If he makes one more selfish, mean action or comment, it's over. He knows I am serious because I was crying, not yelling or demanding. <br /><br />Then yesterday as I was driving to work thinking about last year and haVing hateful thoughts about that horrid affair and how much I hate that whore, my car was rear ended. Nothing serious, just typical muscle aches, but it made me realize....do I want my last thoughts to be focused on some slutty former friend and neighbor who I still hate, or do I want to focus on my blessings? <br /><br />Realistically, he will fail in our relationship and it will end. But my hope is not in the relationship, but all the other beautiful people and places in my life. If he can change, he is welcome to enjoy a wonderful life with me. If not, I won't fall apart, but will never be held hostage again to the gaslighting and grooming.<br /><br />I have significant trust issues as we all do and that includes trusting God. In many ways I feel He let me down too. But I can walk my dog and be thankful for a beautiful day, or just list my blessings. Baby steps, but finding ways big and small to restore sanity and calm in my life. <br /><br />His affair has changed me, but I can no longer let it ruin me. Will we stumble, will I be unexpectedly triggered by something?<br /> Yes, of course. I am now choosing to live as happy and joyful a life as possible and not allow hatred to consume me. Beagle Momnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-49924540569871464192017-06-20T17:09:35.835-04:002017-06-20T17:09:35.835-04:00Ok ladies. I need advice. I found a receipt from...Ok ladies. I need advice. I found a receipt from a coffee shop 2 minutes walk from the OW place of work. It was from 18 months ago but he swears he didn't see her. I know he is lying...you were literslly 2 mins from her work and you didn't meet her? Even though you were supposedly at a place 2.5 hours drive a way?? It was 18 months ago but I only found it 2 days ago and he is denying it. Still lying!!Hazelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09905065891917553236noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-43391355452284919882017-06-20T14:37:25.890-04:002017-06-20T14:37:25.890-04:00I know. It makes me crazy. And it makes it all the...I know. It makes me crazy. And it makes it all the more important for those of us on sites like this to set the record straight. He didn't cheat because there's anything wrong with you. He cheated because there's something wrong with him. It's that simple. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-67790372642868898852017-06-20T14:36:19.062-04:002017-06-20T14:36:19.062-04:00That's it exactly. And it's liberating. We...That's it exactly. And it's liberating. We create our own hope when we take the steps necessary to create the life we want rather than passively wait for someone to give it to us. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-13195527116522333572017-06-20T14:35:32.557-04:002017-06-20T14:35:32.557-04:00Christine, you're a smart woman! You're ab...Christine, you're a smart woman! You're absolutely right that the remorse has show up in words AND action. Mostly action. When I hear about guys who don't "believe" in therapy or who have excuses about why they won't give up their guy's night out, or their complicit friends, or their after-work beer or whatever it is that their wife is begging them to stop, then it seems clear to me that they're not really backing up their words with action.<br />True change is uncomfortable, even painful. It's about taking a hard look in the mirror and holding oneself to account. But it's the only way to healing, individually and the marriage. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-34891524921403860232017-06-20T14:32:15.721-04:002017-06-20T14:32:15.721-04:00Your hope is tempered by a certain skepticism, I t...Your hope is tempered by a certain skepticism, I think. Sure, you hope that he's creating positive change that will stick. But you're wary and watching. Willing to give him a chance but certainly not blind. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-36979260311669759372017-06-20T14:31:07.202-04:002017-06-20T14:31:07.202-04:00Hopeful30,
I'm an optimist too. And I remain c...Hopeful30,<br />I'm an optimist too. And I remain convinced that people change. I see it all the time. Huge changes. Changes even when everyone else has even up. Addicts who get clean, drunks who get sober, cheaters who stop. The problem is when we hold on to hope when it's unwarranted, when the evidence shows us more the same and we don't want to see it. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-18494700439109972272017-06-20T14:29:02.274-04:002017-06-20T14:29:02.274-04:00You're right there Elle. But, how many women ...You're right there Elle. But, how many women will read this and believe what it said. They lose hope because they don't feel pretty enough, good enough or what ever. I hope that they find this blog and others to help them realize that this isn't about us it's about them.<br />CathyAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-16213567198959035972017-06-20T14:28:45.731-04:002017-06-20T14:28:45.731-04:00Yep. Yep. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-57723642585839156792017-06-20T14:28:23.411-04:002017-06-20T14:28:23.411-04:00Hurt in Ohio,
You don't believe until he gives...Hurt in Ohio,<br />You don't believe until he gives you evidence. What is he doing to show you that he wants to stay and love you more than ever? He has shown you that his words are meaningless without action to back them up. <br />People do change. It happens all the time. But lots don't. I don't know which category your husband falls into but I think you do. Look for evidence. Look for specific things he's doing to show you that he's working on not only making amends but taking steps to make sure he never goes down that road again. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-48137460344237870692017-06-20T14:22:14.495-04:002017-06-20T14:22:14.495-04:00Cathy,
That's absolutely true if by "hot&...Cathy,<br />That's absolutely true if by "hot", they mean "available." Or if "hot" means "willing". Or if "hot" means "desperate". Or if it means "morally compromised". <br />Give me a break, Yahoo. Men cheat for many reasons but to say they cheat because a woman was so "hot" they couldn't control themselves? That's not saying a whole lot for the male gender, is it. <br />There's a lot of garbage out there about cheating. Don't pay it any attention. It's sensationalistic nonsense written by people who haven't a clue. Stick to the opinions of those who actually know what they're talking about. <br />Men cheat because opportunity meets moral failing. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.com