tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post3202246525812494928..comments2024-03-28T19:25:37.448-04:00Comments on Betrayed Wives' Club: How much is enough?Ellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comBlogger41125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-22012437425983512972016-08-31T00:32:11.340-04:002016-08-31T00:32:11.340-04:00Anonymous 8/27 you haven't failed. What is goi...Anonymous 8/27 you haven't failed. What is going on here is about what is missing in your husband. Two months is so new and raw. Your emotions are all over the place and often, daily, minute to minute you feel like you've had enough. Please do yourself a kindness and just give yourself a chance to take a deep breath. Don't make any long term decisions right now. They may be fueled by emotion rather than a clear perspective on what is right for you.<br />I feel you on the scared to be alone. But challenge that thought. Even if you are or end up without your h, are you truly alone? You have your child and I am almost certain you have other family and friends to reach out to, who can be there for you. It's early days yet and it is a hell of a roller coaster ride that you didn't sign up for. Please take a deep breath and focus on what you need to survive day to day. Stay out of the future ( what if) and the past ( if only) as much as you can and find those folks who will circle the wagons with you. Like the amazing women here. I'm sorry you are going through hell. I mean it when I say, it will get better and you will be amazed with yourself. Hang in there. Still Standingnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-28221266031482848552016-08-27T18:22:03.161-04:002016-08-27T18:22:03.161-04:00I think I've reached my limit. I can't ben...I think I've reached my limit. I can't bend or stretch anymore. I only 2 months past d-day. 2 short yet excruciatingly long painful months. I never imagined this would happen to us. We were not in a good place for a little while in the marriage. Communication breakdown for sure. He was travelling for work a lot more. I found out after the affair lasted 3 weeks. A lot of trickle truth all of which I discovered. He was still in a fog and I found out they were still talking 3 weeks after he claimed it ended. I believe when he says that he doesn't have feelings for her- she just filled a void. I agreed to give him another chance for the sake of our family- we have a three year old daughter. We started marriage counselling. He said he was willing to do whatever it took. Unfortunately his actions didn't match his words. He was only willing to bend a little. If there was anything I wanted that he felt was unreasonable, he was quite reactive. He's definitely not an emotional type of guy, but I desperately needed to feel as though I could regain trust and feel safe again. He couldn't do it. We fought. We were silent. Our MC was even so exasperated talking to him to try to have him understand a different way of looking at things, but he was just no hearing it. <br /><br />At this point, I've reached my limit. Enough is enough. As soon as I mentioned a separation/ divorce, he ran out to look at condos and secure a mortgage. Even though he stated he still loved me. Not much of a fight in him. It's devastating all over again but I need to find the strength and courage to get through the next few days, weeks, months. I'm scared to be alone. I'm scared to be without love. I am humiliated that I failed. How can do this??? Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-43025730196393356542016-08-26T16:54:42.019-04:002016-08-26T16:54:42.019-04:00Hi Ann,
Good luck with taking steps towards clear ...Hi Ann,<br />Good luck with taking steps towards clear boundaries. In the end, it is not just a win for you but a win for your children. They deserve to learn that they can have boundaries around people treating them badly in their lives too. <br />I hope you realize that regrets aren't useful because you can only start with where you are and the choices you make now weren't necessarily available to you then. You might not have been ready or the financial situation you were in made the risks too grave. Honor who you were then and celebrate who you have become now and keep looking for the next small step you can take.MBShttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10168863416317700184noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-10384796134391543392016-08-26T11:24:42.130-04:002016-08-26T11:24:42.130-04:00Anne from VA,
Nice to hear from you but so sorry t...Anne from VA,<br />Nice to hear from you but so sorry that you continue to struggle with those around you. It sounds like you're setting some clear boundaries re. your daughter and your husband. I hope you can let go of the regrets and keep your eyes focussed on today and the path slightly ahead. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-1515586772282505332016-08-26T08:46:03.047-04:002016-08-26T08:46:03.047-04:00I haven't been on for a while. It's been ...I haven't been on for a while. It's been crazy this past year.<br /><br />As you all know, my daughter smoked pot laced with spice. I stayed since finding his porn habit in 2006. I think once the marriage is destroyed (he kept doing porn UNTIL I installed PB software but even then he finds ways to do it and I don't want to be the porn mommy). Then I think once Satan has destroyed he marriage, he starts in on our children. <br /><br />My oldest, who is 19 has a SEVERE eating disorder and is still smoking pot and drinking. We had to evict her in April and then she moved in with a friend and worked for a while and then blew off a 2nd job in two years. My husband brought her home when I told him not to and he did this w/o even talking to me or the two younger children. <br /><br />So after four days of this shit with her in the house, I told hubby I was separating and that he and my oldest could figure things out. So she's chosen to live homeless in Richmond, VA. I have to pray for her safety every day. I saw her on Sunday. She seemed more clear headed and she's seeing where her life will end up if she doesn't make life changed and quit blaming us. She has a BF who is 6 2 200 pounds who she met on the first night away. They are happy together although still homeless. <br /><br />There are times I regret not leaving 10 years ago. But I was a homeschool mom and I also couldn't afford this mortgage and I can't work b/c I have pain issues my whole life. <br /><br />But, then again, my daughter has to learn to make the right choices in life. I'm in a holding pattern. He's still here, but he's not going to Celebrate Recovery like he's supposed to on my boundary list. <br /><br />I've gotta go. Wish I could talk more today LOL. Good luck ladies. <br /><br />Anne from VA<br /><br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-34355995105762474422016-08-25T14:33:00.451-04:002016-08-25T14:33:00.451-04:00I never ever leave. I've been plagued my work ...I never ever leave. I've been plagued my work and maladies all month, can't always post but always read. I wil be so happy to see August end!!Steamnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-58934634823998537702016-08-25T02:20:43.219-04:002016-08-25T02:20:43.219-04:00Glad to have you back steam : ) xxGlad to have you back steam : ) xxAnonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14621994625215389891noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-59823148385081443452016-08-23T22:23:03.860-04:002016-08-23T22:23:03.860-04:00SS as soon as I get some spare minutes, I will joi...SS as soon as I get some spare minutes, I will join you, and Sam, you are stronger than HELL--if he wont FIGHT like hell to get you back, then WHAT the hell?<br />LLP-wow, like OAPM I'm going to read that a few more times, it's such an incredible essay on post betrayal. Just Wow. Hopeful--you are so right on about HIS insecurities, it's NEVER about us, and ALL about them. Teresa, thanks for the reminder of the strong woman inside of us--mine was LOST to me for quite a while until she was forced out of hiding, and damn if she isnt pretty MIGHTY!!! and Elle? what a place you have created. One million thank yous!Steamnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-16533337698951868552016-08-23T13:19:56.643-04:002016-08-23T13:19:56.643-04:00Through talking with my husband recently I find wh...Through talking with my husband recently I find what is hardest for me is I have always known what is enough for me personally and how to be true to myself. It is hard for me to understand how my husband did not have that ability. I honestly feel like as I sit here today I have the same internal feelings I did as a kindergartner and throughout my life. Of course I have grown up and learned throughout life but what makes me "me" is still the same. And I knew who I was then. I did not care if I was alone or only had one friend. And I grew up with few material possessions. My life was never defined by those things. Where I struggled was the people pleasing and if I did the right thing then wouldn't everyone else especially those close to me. And really for all of my life my family and closest friends were the same way and still are to this day. My husband by all outward appearances is this way plus a million times more confident and fulfilled than me and others in my life. But through all of this I have realized he had such huge insecurities and he was so unhappy it lead to this. <br /><br />For me I struggle with the idea of if I act a certain way then in some way others will and I have control over all aspects of my life. But that is not true as I have found out. I think that feeling of being let down is so hard. But now my husband is happier than ever. It is great, he is affectionate and kind in so many ways. I feel like this is what i wanted and deserved in a way for all those years. I feel some level of guilt though since I do not share his excitement and happiness. He says he totally understands. He said that he thought he had thrown away everything good in his life and this is his second chance a new lease on life and he could not be happier. He said he can see how my world was shattered and it will take time but he is not going anywhere. I keep saying I will give it time and I continue to think about what is my version of enough.Hopeful 30noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-76728655778085292802016-08-23T09:56:46.172-04:002016-08-23T09:56:46.172-04:00Thankyou guys for your kind words, they go a long ...Thankyou guys for your kind words, they go a long way.. Lots of love xxxAnonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14621994625215389891noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-90983451056829855512016-08-23T09:33:57.910-04:002016-08-23T09:33:57.910-04:00And us, SS. We love you too!And us, SS. We love you too!Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-11169019105157613052016-08-23T09:33:31.806-04:002016-08-23T09:33:31.806-04:00Sam A,
It sounds as if you can see your own streng...Sam A,<br />It sounds as if you can see your own strength but, from the outside looking in, it's so clear. However this plays out, Sam A, there's little doubt that you are going to emerge just fine. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-15710669775360162082016-08-23T09:31:23.976-04:002016-08-23T09:31:23.976-04:00One-armed pie maker,
I know that horrible vacant l...One-armed pie maker,<br />I know that horrible vacant landscape well, that devoid-of-all-feelings wasteland. I'm glad LLP's post stirred something. Try and sit with that feeling. See if you can read the post and then follow that stirring and see where it goes. I had to start cataloguing the little things that stirred me. Small bits of beauty in my world, until I could reawaken feeling. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-60026297837483749352016-08-23T08:54:50.895-04:002016-08-23T08:54:50.895-04:00Hey friends, Becky, Sam A, Steam anyone who is in ...Hey friends, Becky, Sam A, Steam anyone who is in or contemplating separation, I started posting on the new tab (thanks so much Elle!) if you'd be interested in joining me. Hope everyone is having a lovely day. The sun is shining over here and lots of people love me, including me. Hugs. Still Standingnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-90074961135549543102016-08-23T08:19:26.449-04:002016-08-23T08:19:26.449-04:00Lynn Less Pain--I am printing out your comment and...Lynn Less Pain--I am printing out your comment and I will carry it and re-read it until I free myself from my vacuum of ambivalence. Your post stirred something in my spirit and as I wrote in an earlier post I have been devoid of any feeling for months now. Thank you LLP, thank you Elle and thank you to all the Sisters of Anarchy here--it feels like you just keep saving my life. one armed pie makerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04784774515266390529noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-47835252506187358682016-08-23T08:03:55.432-04:002016-08-23T08:03:55.432-04:00Gabby--I am 17 months from D-Day. The Man in My Li...Gabby--I am 17 months from D-Day. The Man in My Life (who since D-Day I will NOT call my H until or if ever we renew vows), has worked hard at being a new person. Sometimes he has fucked up royally, more often than not an observer would say he is busting his ass. I am fearful I have entered what Elle refers to as the lethal plain of flatness...I literally feel devoid of feeling. Did anger cauterize my emotion? Did trauma turn me into an emotional zombie? I'm afraid that I have permitted myself to linger in this stage so long I may be a citizen of nothingness. A nurse in my support group is encouraging me to take anti-depressants and I cannot even formulate an opinion on that. Please, each one of you who may be in this place, drag the numb parts out into the light. Ask for help, demand things of yourself. I'm to the point now I would choose the pain of early days as opposed to this nimbus of nothing. one armed pie makerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04784774515266390529noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-30346276957430434282016-08-22T21:31:56.443-04:002016-08-22T21:31:56.443-04:00Elle,
You are right again, I just never broke it...Elle, <br />You are right again, I just never broke it down like that. I don't think you realize you are superwoman. Luv ya. Lynn Less Painnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-51928431342554411992016-08-22T16:12:16.061-04:002016-08-22T16:12:16.061-04:00Sam A
I'm thinking of you too! Proud you are f...Sam A<br />I'm thinking of you too! Proud you are finding the strong woman that went into hiding for a while. Or at least that's what it felt like to me as I was first learning the whole truth of who my h was. I felt very small and weak and then I found me again and it feels so much better! One day at a time strong lady warrior! Hugs!Theresahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11767712425596090138noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-81443537235561896192016-08-22T16:11:54.865-04:002016-08-22T16:11:54.865-04:00Thank you dandelion.. hugs right back to ya xxxThank you dandelion.. hugs right back to ya xxxAnonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14621994625215389891noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-10332740882001691432016-08-22T15:44:04.606-04:002016-08-22T15:44:04.606-04:00Hugs, Sam! I admire the strength you are showing....Hugs, Sam! I admire the strength you are showing. You are doing what's right for you, even if it's not easy. Dandelionhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07422695784998995973noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-41868672574342695832016-08-22T14:27:12.452-04:002016-08-22T14:27:12.452-04:00LLP,
God, I love how your brain/heart works. You h...LLP,<br />God, I love how your brain/heart works. You have such an incredible way of analyzing. I do think it's both -- that you've revealed the real you and that your marriage is healthier. I would imagine that all of your relationships are deeper and richer because you're showing up wholly. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-65241342631406656202016-08-22T14:24:00.413-04:002016-08-22T14:24:00.413-04:00Meg,
Glad you found us. I hope you will share your...Meg,<br />Glad you found us. I hope you will share your story. We learn so much from each other here. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-62620862756132573452016-08-22T14:23:32.185-04:002016-08-22T14:23:32.185-04:00Lori,
Understanding that his affair about is about...Lori,<br />Understanding that his affair about is about HIS lack of integrity and not your lack of worth is HUGE. <br />And that's what will give you the clarity you need to move forward. If he's not gaining integrity, if he's not doing the work to really prove to you that he deserves a second chance, then he DOESN'T deserve a second chance. You don't owe him anything but honesty and decency. And that can include honestly telling him that you're moving on. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-10845240199412164762016-08-22T14:20:54.186-04:002016-08-22T14:20:54.186-04:00MBS,
My eldest, this past weekend, told a sorta ki...MBS,<br />My eldest, this past weekend, told a sorta kinda ex (he moved away but planned to return to our city in the fall) that she was done with his wishy-washy bullshit. He admitted that he "wasn't being a good person" to which she responded "yeah. I'm gonna go now." He requested a face-to-face meeting to talk things over. She didn't see the point. She knew everything she needed to know. So...yay for her. <br />Which is a way of saying, all we can do is keep modelling boundaries and reminding our kids that any relationship needs to be built on respect and honesty and integrity. Without that, you have nothing.<br />So much of our work is learning to hear that voice we've spent a lifetime silencing. And reminding our kids that they know what's right for them. And that it's always right to treat themselves with respect. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-20975283168721520202016-08-22T14:09:38.692-04:002016-08-22T14:09:38.692-04:00Hi ladies what an insight .. I've been away fo...Hi ladies what an insight .. I've been away for a week with the kids .. I went to the place my h took his whore for a week .. Wasn't planned that way just decided last minute so me and my sister took the kids and went.. Had a lovely holiday kids enjoyed themselves and funnily enough I came away not disliking the place so much now I had made my own happy memories .. It pissed me of some of the places I went I know my h went with her but i was there with my children by my side so I was happy..<br /><br />So back to the subject of when enough is enough that's something I'm dealing with right now been separated around 3 months nothing much happening h not trying hArd to win me back and I'm not trying at all other than for the kids.. I have been thinking recently that this is what a marriage looks like when it's at the final hurdle.. Never been here before and it's scary to think this really could be it.. We've outgrown each other we are very different my h lives like a single man I'm a responsible mother of 2 (say no more) so for me this is my enough I'm at that place where nothing may sway my decision of being on my own.. I've made the initial step of separating so I'm one step closer.. I'm sorting my finances so I'm able to hold my own which is really important to me right now .. Things are looking up for me I'm in a good place as good as I can be considering and I count my blessings in life big and small .. Thanks Elle and everyone for offering up your support... Thinking of you all xxxAnonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14621994625215389891noreply@blogger.com