tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post3425019522993128629..comments2024-03-27T21:50:33.178-04:00Comments on Betrayed Wives' Club: Another Wednesday Word HugEllehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comBlogger63125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-68199035362504790602015-09-29T12:18:55.157-04:002015-09-29T12:18:55.157-04:00Hopeful 30, I understand completely. I struggle wi...Hopeful 30, I understand completely. I struggle with this as well. It sounds cliché, but I thought we had a great marriage. And yet the entire time (over 12.5 years), he was living a lie and sneaking around behind my back. Normal feels dangerous to me, because I thought we were normal, and we weren't. I thought we were normal, only to find out my life was built on lies. I thought I was normal, turns out I was codependent. I exhibited so many signs of being the partner of an addict without even knowing he was acting on his addiction. People don't realize that porn addiction is much harder to spot. You can't smell someone's breath like you can with alcohol. They can do it on the sly so much more easily than substance abuse. (If you are in this boat, I highly recommend reading up on co-dependence. A couple books that have really helped me are: Women Who Love too Much, and Is it Love or is it Addiction?)<br /><br />I want to believe my husband has really changed this time (his porn addiction was revealed 2 years into our marriage), but I remember that he swore to me for the next 10 years that he hadn't relapsed, and the whole time he was using. Whenever I try to let down my guard, there's a voice in me that says, "Yeah, he swears he's clean, but he's done that before, and it was a lie. You trusted him last time, and look how bad that blew up in your face."<br /><br />I really, really, want to believe that it's different this time. It feels different. But I have a hard time trusting him, and a hard time trusting my own perceptions.<br /><br />But underneath all this, I really do want ordinary. I swear that after this I will NEVER complain that my life is boring again. Any time I thought that, WHAM! Once it was a breast lump (thankfully that turned out to be benign), then it was a huge family fall-out, then it was D-day. I really want ordinary and normal from now on.Geenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-63536129722886146522015-09-27T11:21:09.033-04:002015-09-27T11:21:09.033-04:00So proud of you Dandelion ,) Allowing yourself to ...So proud of you Dandelion ,) Allowing yourself to "paint a new scene" over what was once there.... Creating "new scenes" is what ends up allowing us to be truly free of all the bad memories and triggers. So proud of you... Stay strong and paint a scene of peace ,) love you tons! Happy birthday my friend! There is only one of you in the earth and nobody can replace you so let the ones that love you truly enjoy you. - Ann from TexasAnn from Texasnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-80136475694059645812015-09-27T09:07:09.713-04:002015-09-27T09:07:09.713-04:00Yep, Wounded...time.
And while looking at her onli...Yep, Wounded...time.<br />And while looking at her online was stupid, it wasn't surprising. The key is opening communication so that he TALKS TO YOU about this stuff rather than hiding it. As long as he's hiding anything, he's falling back into a dangerous pattern and he needs to realize that. Preferring to hide something rather than deal with your hurt or your anger should be telling him something important -- that he shouldn't be doing what he feels the need to hide. It's the old story: If you wouldn't be doing what you're doing with your spouse standing right beside you and watching....you shouldn't be doing it. THAT is the lesson he needs to learn. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-15479851209124502662015-09-27T08:53:23.129-04:002015-09-27T08:53:23.129-04:00Being present is tough because it also means being...Being present is tough because it also means being present for the painful bits. But it teaches us that nothing is permanent. Not the joy, not the pain. It will pass. And, if we learn well, we're left with a deeper peace that helps us ride out the peaks and valleys. Mindfulness can really help with anxiety disorders because, with practice, it pulls your brain out of that spiral and into a deeper place of observing. Like watching a hamster on a wheel instead of BEING the hamster on a wheel.Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-26265664545052870342015-09-27T08:50:45.573-04:002015-09-27T08:50:45.573-04:00Dandelion,
Yep -- today is about celebrating your ...Dandelion,<br />Yep -- today is about celebrating your presence on this planet. What a stroke of luck, huh? To have been conceived at that exact moment, to have survived all the things that can strike fetuses, babies, children, teens, adults down and still be here to enjoy another sunrise, another sunset, another day on this earth -- well, that's worth celebrating. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-88030725899510770622015-09-26T16:48:46.408-04:002015-09-26T16:48:46.408-04:00Definitely taking into account what you ladies hav...Definitely taking into account what you ladies have said above. Today is my birthday and my husband is doing everything he can to make it a great day for me. Unfortunately, today while we were out we had to pass a few places that trigger me and I had to run an errand near where she lived. Before today, I would have made sure to mention it to him. Would have made some snippy remark about my day being great with the exception of the area I was in. But today, I'm not doing it. It will only cause me to spiral into negativity and hurt him. It's not worth it. Today is about me, not her. Dandelionnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-14727314385720127962015-09-26T11:22:54.247-04:002015-09-26T11:22:54.247-04:00I wanted to add he said the dynamic has changed wi...I wanted to add he said the dynamic has changed with ow now i know. And honestly he cany believe the time money and energy he wasted to keep hidden which just got him deeper in. He was looking too see what shes doing moved on. Weather that because he cares or hopes shes moved on to stop bothering us. I dont know some thing well never prob know or understand. He tired of talking about it. But understands we will have to when we take steps back he feels like he will forever be doomed to his nose rubbed in shit. Hope not. He said he was just feeling good like we were on the up and up ... hopefully we arent down to long. Time time time Woundednoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-36323095335714991422015-09-26T10:12:58.177-04:002015-09-26T10:12:58.177-04:00Very good poem, very impressed.Very good poem, very impressed.Irisnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-26793598635475406762015-09-26T07:15:23.560-04:002015-09-26T07:15:23.560-04:00Sighhh he did not deny looking up. What should ha...Sighhh he did not deny looking up. What should have been a calm quick talk was a drawn out argument, tears ... hurt .... but that ended with an apology from H. His answer of looking out of of curiosity steamed me??? It wasnt direct as why i had previously googled her and at first he failed to see what the big deal was ... since there has been no contact and hes blocked her on FB so really when he looked he could only see limited info since her page is private??? I could write a book and i maybe rambling. After he thought about it for awhile his defensiveness about how i knew, being under my thumb and feeling like he cant win no matter what he does ( btw i didnt stand for any of that stating he made bed we lie in) he agreed he sees why im upset and apologized for hurting me AGAIN. He was curious if she moved on? What she was doing he said because i looked previously he became curious. Hummm. Dont know how i feel about this other then on alert. And more so becuz he didnt mention he looked like i did to him. So now ... he feels upset 4 hurting me and feels we are 20 steps backs? I dont feel that drastic but i guess can sympathize either with him feeling all his efforts go unnoticed or perhaps hes more upset he did this to us and again another dumb thing we r dealing with. Another long weekend. We were feeling relaxed having fun and now weve hit a patch again. Big sighhhh big sighhhh big sighhhhhhhWoundednoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-4494837517309309432015-09-26T06:08:52.192-04:002015-09-26T06:08:52.192-04:00Thank you girls for sharing this.... I've kept...Thank you girls for sharing this.... I've kept that part of me hidden in my head and felt shame for thinking this way... I too am guilty of thinking like this. There was once a baby in a shopping cart in a different state that was adorable. She looked at my husband and was confused and called him "daddy". The mother looked up smiled and said something but I don't know what because I thought, "what you too" in my head..... Geez. I was so uncomfortable inside. I just felt sick. My husband smiled and said oh she is so cute. She was adorable, but all I could think was "you jerk" how could you change me inside so much? It's to where l cannot even enjoy a baby! Then it hit me.... "NOBODY CAN CHANGE ME UNLESS I LET THEM." So I started actively trying to rethink my thinking, and focus on my mental wellness also. That day hurt inside, because that was the day I realized "I had become my problem." Healing requires us to look at ourselves also, and sometimes we are stunned, shocked or disappointed..... Thank you girls for sharing this. Love you tons!!-Ann from TexasAnn from Texasnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-63897421311013717002015-09-25T17:35:17.047-04:002015-09-25T17:35:17.047-04:00I'm going to try that stop sign thing...becaus...I'm going to try that stop sign thing...because something has to give here. I know that they had no passion or intimacy, that the whole thing was pathetic, crass and sad, really...but the movies still keep playing. And as many of you know, those of us with anxiety disorders seem especially talented at driving ourselves crazy with worst case scenario visions....my own brain is doing this to me on purpose, lest I forget that life can start to suck at any moment, I guess.<br /><br />And that gosh darned TIME!! I wish it would hurry the heck up already...but then the intervening years would rush through our kids' teen years as well, so I need to be present and accounted for so I don't regret not living life to the fullest in the meantime. Dananoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-72344821668586598942015-09-25T11:22:20.767-04:002015-09-25T11:22:20.767-04:00Side note its not um scared to ask i so badly wan...Side note its not um scared to ask i so badly want to get to a point to stop giving ow air .<br /><br />Cut her out.<br /><br />I know elle only through it not around itWoundednoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-72194427378303179592015-09-25T11:01:41.907-04:002015-09-25T11:01:41.907-04:00Wow, Elle. I wrote 9 months and it never occurred...Wow, Elle. I wrote 9 months and it never occurred to me how symbolic that time frame truly is. <br />Dandelionnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-68753900501657354252015-09-25T10:55:51.055-04:002015-09-25T10:55:51.055-04:00Damn ... history shows he looked again. I am goin...Damn ... history shows he looked again. I am going to ask just not sure when. He gave me this beautiful card and a bag of lifesavers ... puzzled? I asked ... lifesavers? He said your my lifesaver thanks for not giving up on me ... i cried which felt good i felt all cried out ... havent cried in months ... after what felt like crying for weeks! The card surprisingly reflects what im feeling ... learning to focus on what matters and overlooking what does not .... and griwing together. cheesy maybe but for him he found a way to expresss his feelings which is what i want ... need even. So i still wait .... wonder ... hope hes looking for same reasons i sometimes do .... to be on alert not actually bcuz i give 2 shits about ow life. Day. Happenings. I know im in a far better place then shell ever be . Still hurting though ... looking for that marginal improvement and sparkle in each day ... but it is hard and im so fearful to be naive. .. his actions speak volumes though him looking at her FB screams to my broken heart .... on guard.... trying not to blow a gasket .... and if i ask and he lies. I will be crushed and have to decide to show how i know or tuck this in my pocket ...which defeats open and honesty goals we are striving for <br />.. right. . fingers and toes crossed. ... i may do as others ... think about this first decide how much it means to.me ... im guilty of looking sometimes too but he knows when i do. Slap me with the truth ... dont kiss me with a lie. Woundednoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-83776277776816235202015-09-25T10:45:36.423-04:002015-09-25T10:45:36.423-04:00Melissa
You can never know how your words have gi...Melissa <br />You can never know how your words have given me a boost up! Painting us a 'rainbow'of hope for our journey forward!Theresahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11767712425596090138noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-23480708900991601462015-09-25T10:44:14.468-04:002015-09-25T10:44:14.468-04:00My husband broke and touched my heart in a differe...My husband broke and touched my heart in a different way, softly he said, "just be nice to me that's all I want." Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17219895095283341385noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-3859838203663401332015-09-25T10:37:51.347-04:002015-09-25T10:37:51.347-04:00I love this poem thank you for sharing. It really...I love this poem thank you for sharing. It really helped me. If you get inspired to write again, please share. This is really good. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17219895095283341385noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-88865114795669156572015-09-25T09:45:45.661-04:002015-09-25T09:45:45.661-04:00Theresa,
I've heard of parents who text with t...Theresa,<br />I've heard of parents who text with their kids to have difficult conversations because then it removes the eye-rolling and the sighing and the little things that can trigger something in the other person and make the conversation go off the rails. So it's a good idea to try texting/e-mailing when things have been bad. <br />And glad to hear you're getting back to the "right place" for you.Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-3113647493714972022015-09-25T09:43:58.536-04:002015-09-25T09:43:58.536-04:00Dana,
It's a four-letter word -- TIME -- but i...Dana,<br />It's a four-letter word -- TIME -- but it can work magic. When we're doing the work we need to do, when we're doing what we can to stop feeding the beast, then time can often just sweep away a lot of those memories. I too asked for a lot of details...and I couldn't even tell you what most of them are now.<br />I loved what Melissa said on another post: Sex is for her and she'll be damned if someone else is going to steal her satisfaction. Intimacy with your husband is exactly that: Intimacy. Which is something he never had with her, and there's a world of difference.Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-9010850074975006422015-09-25T09:42:10.635-04:002015-09-25T09:42:10.635-04:00That's wonderful Theresa. May peace, love &am...That's wonderful Theresa. May peace, love & light be yours.Melissahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15625911085419338023noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-68108023996895946942015-09-25T09:35:31.492-04:002015-09-25T09:35:31.492-04:00Reflection...and a kick in the balls. That's a...Reflection...and a kick in the balls. That's a mirror I'd like to have in my house!Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-58703792130645417132015-09-25T09:34:19.363-04:002015-09-25T09:34:19.363-04:00Difficult yes, Dana. But what a difference it will...Difficult yes, Dana. But what a difference it will make, not only to your husband but to you, to learn to bite your tongue when you're tempted to make the snide remarks. I've always used sarcasm as humour and a shield...but it took seeing my kids' faces -- that bewildered hurt -- to make me realize that it's often just not funny.Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-59921307160970932072015-09-25T09:32:21.454-04:002015-09-25T09:32:21.454-04:00Thanks for that Gee. It is hard to become vulnerab...Thanks for that Gee. It is hard to become vulnerable to anyone after betrayal, but especially to the person who so deeply hurt us. And it's hard for us to remember that, in the midst of all this, they're hurting too. They often experience deep shame and self-loathing, which makes it hard for them to show up for us when we need them. But if we can be with other through this, the new relationship can be so much richer.Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-58991903483125748012015-09-25T09:30:15.926-04:002015-09-25T09:30:15.926-04:00That's really really good Dandelion. And I thi...That's really really good Dandelion. And I think it's incredibly fitting that it has taken nine months for you to birth a new you, from tiny seed to full being. I'd love to write more on this as a blog post. It's such an eye-opener.Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-80749893907033452802015-09-25T09:23:11.105-04:002015-09-25T09:23:11.105-04:00Dana
I know those mind movies well! Then I read an...Dana<br />I know those mind movies well! Then I read and read again the words that Elle says over over. Picture that huge STOP sign and then think about anything and everything that feels happy! I sat with a large cardboard box and as I began tearing it up for recycling, I placed each of those movies into that bin and if one begins, I look out my front window at the stop sign at the end of the street! This was repeated for about a week of movies and now I look at my stop sign and just seeing it returns me to my new happy place!<br />I learned this tearing up in group therapy at the age of 18 following a break down from years of abuse both mentally and physically. I have had to bring some of those painful memories back and use them to rid myself of this new and deeper pain.<br />I've also learned that it takes time to get through this pain and these ladies I've met here give me a strength I knew I had but forgot how to use! I continue to vent here and read others struggles and somehow I managed to get through those tough months! I have been reading this blog for more months than I posted but believe me when I say I would not be where I am on this road to recovery of my marriage without the support and love and understanding of these ladies! Hugs and love as you kick your way through the mud!Theresahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11767712425596090138noreply@blogger.com