tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post3610153909668111700..comments2024-03-28T19:25:37.448-04:00Comments on Betrayed Wives' Club: What do we really know about why our husbands cheated?Ellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comBlogger57125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-2382985352406383682016-12-23T17:22:23.182-05:002016-12-23T17:22:23.182-05:00Thank you. I like that perspective very much. He...Thank you. I like that perspective very much. He did have a negative view of the world. And he gas lights me most times we have an argument. I hope the MC can help us with that. It's one of the things that made it difficult for me to be intimate with him (we still had sex, just not the intimate kind we had in the early years) and that led him to take a whore up on her offer... Browneyedgirlnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-11582655308724397422016-12-22T12:58:19.641-05:002016-12-22T12:58:19.641-05:00Yes. That was in your post. I thought it was you. ...Yes. That was in your post. I thought it was you. <br /><br />I know I felt the same way as if all my memories were a lie. And then I read your post and I started looking at MY life through a new perspective. <br /><br />I learned my memories are not lies. They are real and good and worth cherishing. It was he who was the lie. His memories, his stories, his excuses were the lies. Not mine. <br /><br />Cheaters can take away a lot. But one thing they can't take is what's true and real. You are true and real BEG not HUS lies and gaslighting TryingHardhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11598084690617343428noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-81732703809987515802016-12-22T11:51:24.584-05:002016-12-22T11:51:24.584-05:00yeah, I did write something about memories. I'...yeah, I did write something about memories. I'll try and remember what it was and where to find it (ha!).<br />Seriously, it feels like having to rewrite history. And it's harmful to have someone who refuses to help you fill in the blanks with any accuracy. He is gas lighting you and that's emotional abuse. It's simply not okay. Your memories are yours. None of us remembers events the same way. We can usually agree on the basics but the rest comes from our perspective, our lived experience, our biases, etc. BEG, I suspect that if this guy has been gas lighting you for most of your relationship, you've learned to stop trusting yourself. And you need to trust yourself. You need to begin to find that inner voice and learn that it speaks truth to you. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-11721627604728666522016-12-21T15:21:55.230-05:002016-12-21T15:21:55.230-05:00BEG--- your memories are not a sham. Your memories...BEG--- your memories are not a sham. Your memories are real and they are yours. <br /><br />Elle--didn't you write a post about memories that would help BEG?? I know I read it <br />Somewhere and I think it was here<br /><br />BEG-- your h is gaslighting you and it's common. They do it to control the situation and repercussions but don't buy into it. Don't give him the power to take away YOUR memories. They are real<br /><br />TryingHardhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11598084690617343428noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-67327463846149622182016-12-21T13:05:14.920-05:002016-12-21T13:05:14.920-05:00Brown eyed girl
Elle is so right! My h wanted no ...Brown eyed girl <br />Elle is so right! My h wanted no needed for me to rush the process due to his own selfish need to be past the angry and hurt wife that he was left with due to his own selfish choice to cheat! It's two years for us and it's been up and down and I'm just getting my feet underneath me! Your h needs to grow up a bit and realize just how much damage he's caused and like Elle said begin to do anything and everything he can to help you through the mess he caused! I'm so sorry for what you are going through! This hurts like hell and if he wants your marriage to work he has to realize how much work it really takes! Hang in there! Keep venting here and just know we're here for you! Hugs!Theresahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11767712425596090138noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-25179745629683319292016-12-21T12:32:55.423-05:002016-12-21T12:32:55.423-05:00Browneyedgirl, It will take as long as it takes. Y...Browneyedgirl, It will take as long as it takes. You can't fast-track healing. But I've no doubt that listening to him blaming you for everything that was wrong in the marriage certainly isn't helping you. In fact, it seems quite cruel. EACH of you played a role in the state of your marriage before the affair. But HE made the choice to betray you. That's on him. And, to some extent, it doesn't matter how bad the marriage was because his deployment of the nuclear option renders anything else a lesser harm. <br />And you were pregnant, giving birth, dealing with a newborn, for heaven's sake. Might have been nice if he recognized what YOU were going through.<br />Browneyedgirl, he doesn't get to set the rules for this reconciliation. There isn't a timeline you can follow so that he gets let off the hook sooner rather than later. He should be working hard every single day to remind you that he will do everything he can to help you heal from this. Sure, he has legitimate anger about the state of your marriage. That's fine. But it needs to be talked about in a way that's healthy. Blaming won't work. Saying he hated you isn't helpful. And lying -- ie.changing his story -- certainly isn't helpful. You need to both be on the same team. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-68979278957522710802016-12-21T10:44:46.500-05:002016-12-21T10:44:46.500-05:00At MC last evening CH finally said some unflatteri...At MC last evening CH finally said some unflattering things about the AP. It felt so good to finally hear that. But then he turned it all around on me and how I am to blame for the bad marriage before the affair. I know we were both to blame. His story keeps changing. First it lasted a year and a half before I was pregnant. Then it was only a month before I gave birth. Now it lasted well after the birth. I had such happy memories of us as a young family. But during those times he says he hated me. I was definitely unhappy at times but there was so much more to be grateful for. I am so depressed. I can't stop crying. My happy memories are a sham. I want the pain to go away. We both want to move on and plan a future. But I can't process the past fast enough for either of us. Browneyedgirlnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-38541650520327568992016-12-19T11:39:12.526-05:002016-12-19T11:39:12.526-05:00Steam--I love your attitude and advice. I never t...Steam--I love your attitude and advice. I never thought of asking that question AND it's a great one.TryingHardhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11598084690617343428noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-87438425496610885722016-12-17T20:06:20.302-05:002016-12-17T20:06:20.302-05:00BEG you can recover in your own I promise. But we ...BEG you can recover in your own I promise. But we never know (especially at the start) if they will. I think your H is being incredibly cruel and if I were you I would stop asking Him questions. I remember after Dday 1, maybe a month or two in I asked him point blank to tell me something awful about his whore (real whore). I didn't want to hear anything he thought was good. I wanted something that sucked. I got it and felt happier that day and days to follow. If it's over and done with at least that's a relief. But doesn't it just suck that you were in the dark? Man I hate that part.! Hang in there. It's not easy work. But you can make it. Peaks and valleys. I'm still navigating both myself. But no one gets to push me off a ledge anymore. My balance is getting better. Yours will too. Work! Fight! Get it!!Steamnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-57870137761106163142016-12-10T13:22:38.066-05:002016-12-10T13:22:38.066-05:00We have been doing HB for the past few weeks. It&...We have been doing HB for the past few weeks. It's been amazing. But I haven't slept in a month. Every quiet moment I am consumed with thoughts of OW. What I I was told, the rest I assume. Last night I asked CH more questions. Questions I had been praying he would answer differently. He thought they had a future together and he thinks he loved her. I can't bear the pain. Thinking of him having sex with her was unbearable. That he thinks he loved her is so much worse. It was over a decade ago and he is the one who ended it even without me knowing and has not had contact in many years. But I don't think I can get past that he was emotionally invested. Especially because when I ask him questions he tells me the positive things he got out of the affair but never says anything negative about her. If he can't see what an evil person she is how can I recover? Browneyedgirlnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-25492766067857850022016-12-09T17:15:25.579-05:002016-12-09T17:15:25.579-05:00My motivation is to make her suffer like I'm s...My motivation is to make her suffer like I'm suffering..... as in my marriage and family are at risk so I feel so should hers!!! Because this is my primary motivation I have held off telling him as I'm not a destructive person and don't really want to turn into one! Also I don't want people to know my husband choose someone like her to have an affair with and am afraid it will become public if I tell her husband..... So I suppose I feel these are both selfish reasons on my part so best to keep quiet for now?? But I dream of ways to make her suffer......Womanlosthttp://gmailnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-66406590512405627412016-12-09T10:37:22.044-05:002016-12-09T10:37:22.044-05:00Beach Girl,
I am right there with you on flinching...Beach Girl,<br />I am right there with you on flinching when other people comment on how great our marriage is. On the one hand, they are right. They just don't know the great cost I've paid (we've paid) to build it, tear it down, and rebuild it again. I usually resist the urge to blurt out the dark truth.<br />I also refuse to forgive this again. In fact, I refuse to put up with a lot of things that I was putting up with in the past. My H's choices have freed me from the "until death do us part" vow I think. I will leave when I want to/feel I need to. I no longer imagine just one future for myself (retirement travel with a loving husband, being grandparent together...). Now I can imagine several scenarios for myself. Maybe I will have that (I hope to), but maybe I will have other adventures. Maybe I will live in a city I've always wanted to live in that my H isn't interested in. Maybe I will reinvent myself in any number of ways if things don't work out... It's freeing. It sucks too, but it's freeing. <br />I don't know what to do with popular culture views that creep out in conversation about infidelity, and I don't know what to do when people make incorrect assumptions about me or my marriage. Figuring out how to feel authentic about this is one of my goals in this new life. <br />Almost all the changes in me benefit my husband too, but not all. For example, now I bring stuff up all the time and want to talk about it to make sure I'm understanding his frame of mind. If my husband is too tired to have sex (doesn't happen often, but does on occasion), it becomes a conversation instead of me just shrugging it off as totally ok like I would have in the past. When my husband seems a little worn out with having the same "just checking" conversations, I have said, "I know. Sometimes I miss her too! That first wife of yours (me)... She was easy to be with! Not demanding at all! Your second wife (me) is healthier, and looks better, but she can be a bit of a handful." He either smiles a bit and hugs me, or at least gets less annoyed. I stop myself short of saying, "When you're looking for your 3rd wife, be sure to pick one that hasn't been cheated on with 5 other women in the past. Those chicks are batshit crazy!" I don't say it because it's a jab to him and calls me (falsely) crazy, but I do think it. --My sense of humor has always been dark, so I have to really try to consider that some of my thoughts would not be funny to others.annnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-74166484013326916162016-12-09T09:49:52.716-05:002016-12-09T09:49:52.716-05:00Womanlost,
I struggle with this same question. I d...Womanlost,<br />I struggle with this same question. I don't know the H of one of the OW, but they live in my town. I don't know what the right answer is myself, so I will be anxious to see what others think. At first, I decided to put off that decision because I couldn't be sure of my motivation. I didn't want to tell him to spread the pain around and get back at her. If I told, I wanted it to be in the spirit of helping him. I do feel a responsibility to him. I think about him and worry about him all the time. On Instagram, he appears to be a nice person (lol, what do I know? Maybe she cheated on him to get back at him for cheating on her!). After time passed (8 months now), I still can't be sure that my telling him is the right thing to do so I sit with it. If I bump into him, I guarantee I will need to say something. I just can't bring myself to message him on social media out of the blue with the sole purpose of telling. It opens up communication that is now closed, it stirs up things in his marriage that he may have already dealt with (maybe she told him and they are working it our like we are), and I would still take great pleasure in wrecking her life (and I don't want to feed that part of myself.) It's further complicated for me because the oral sex with his wife took place a year and a half ago. I found out about it a year after it happened. If she has a pattern going, won't she eventually be outed by someone or something else that doesn't require my risk of intervention? If she doesn't have a pattern going, maybe she has already healed herself through therapy? So many questions and so many things to consider. I do wish I could happen on to a face-to-face and just get it over with!annnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-66022261057350435812016-12-09T08:51:17.851-05:002016-12-09T08:51:17.851-05:00D day #1 I caught when it was just flirtation/plan...D day #1 I caught when it was just flirtation/planning. No sex yet but I still consider it an affair. They would have had sex had I not read the emails. Dday #2 was cyber. Although no physical I also consider it an affair. But they were all years apart. Dday #3 was discovering something physical happened in between those but years ago and he lied and I just found out.Browneyedgirlnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-76982566186086316612016-12-09T01:25:09.569-05:002016-12-09T01:25:09.569-05:00Brown eyed girl. I can only speak for me, but no. ...Brown eyed girl. I can only speak for me, but no. It's not good enough. He says he's sorry but also blames you and says he's only back for your child? No. not good enough. I am hoping your MC is calling him on his callous behavior. We ALL have parts of our relationships that are not perfect. You and he were in the same relationship. You didn't choose to go screw around. An adult would address the issues, so many of these men seem to miss that part of adulthood. One thing he's got right- this IS his fault. Another thing is he's doing. MC. It's shocking to me how many men won't. Going however is not the be all and end all--applying what he discovers there is absolutely necessary. I'm not sure how far out you are from d-day but don't rush yourself to forgiveness. That takes time, sometimes a lot of time. I'm 3 years out from d-day 1 and 6 months our from D-day 2. I approach forgiveness but can honestly say I have not fully forgiven my H. D-day 2 and the horrible trickle truth I got is going to take some time. Yet it's not anger fest over here. I don't hate him. We have a good time, we get along, we're a good team and have over 17 years of history together. My H takes FULL responsibility for his bulllshit and has yet to ask for my forgiveness. I'm not sure he wants to hear a "no" right now and even though I do love him, that's what he'd get. Steamnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-5979416022604123512016-12-08T23:46:10.902-05:002016-12-08T23:46:10.902-05:00Brown eyed girl, I just waited to see how it would...Brown eyed girl, I just waited to see how it would play out. I kept vigilant and still played detective. I wanted to see if his changes were going to stick for the long term. I concentrated on myself. who was I? What did I want? I had one Dday that I know about 3 years ago. I'm glad I waited to see how the chapter ended. My fear for you is since this is number 3, he is waiting for the storm to blow over then be back it again. He needs to own his shit and be accountable for your pain. Some things you say about him blaming you is gaslighting. Just from what you said I would be working on plan B and stashing some cash. It almost sounds like a man who hits a woman, says he didn't mean to do and he is sorry. He gets the woman to think it is her fault waits until she calms down to normal then hits her again. Stay vigilant, speak up, speak the truth see what happens. I was responsible for contributing to a sucky marriage. I did not take my husbands penis and drive it over to her house, unzipp his pants and put it in her mouth. He did that all on his own. Sometimes I think our H try to clean up affair talk too much. ( I appreciate when Elle let's me get raw on this site). I don't clean up affair talk anymore when I talk to my husband but I got off the subject. I'm sorry that your husband sounds kind of mean. You are strong enough to figure this out. Just take your time and don't run away or run to anything right now. Lynn Less Pianhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07430930678475537146noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-31488188772012421492016-12-08T23:32:01.590-05:002016-12-08T23:32:01.590-05:00I am so sorry. I know for me dday 2 was much worse...I am so sorry. I know for me dday 2 was much worse emotionally than dday 1. Dday 1 was a shock but dday 2 hurt so much worse. For me everything he did was bad enough but after all the discussions that took place in those five months it felt like a much worse betrayal.<br /><br />We are 20 months out from dday 1 and things have gotten dramatically better. I would say me going to therapy, being more assertive, and setting boundaries have all helped. It has been a lot of hard work and finally me taking the leap and allowing myself to be more vulnerable. Being vulnerable is the hardest part for me. I realized I cannot control him early on so it is scary. The boundaries make the biggest difference.<br /><br />I think it is good you are in ic and mc. Take care of yourself and figure out in time what you need and want. I know this will never go away and it will always be part of our marriage. It makes me sad at times but in the end it has brought us closer and my husband had more respect for me than ever. My husband never asked for forgivienwss. I can only speak for him but it was not something he felt he could ask for but would come with time. I forgave him when I saw him start to address his deep feelings and he able to express them beyond I am sorry. And he is working at earning my trust but that will take time. And I have been frustrated with my husband not having a set reason why he did this but they all sound like excuses to me. My therapist thinks based on how he is living and expressing his remorse that is sufficient. And he was basically immature, selfish and a taker. I think part of his personality played into it but that is where the boundaries have helped. And the good news is I really could care very little about the ow. That has faded a lot. I am so focused on me and our marriage.<br /><br />Hang in there and keep coming back to post. I know it has helped us a lot.Hopeful30noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-81027790164848084302016-12-08T20:38:19.439-05:002016-12-08T20:38:19.439-05:00Gosh I can't imagine d day number 3, yet at t...Gosh I can't imagine d day number 3, yet at the same time I've been through #1 d day of emotional/physical affair, discovery of Ashley Madison, Adult Friend Finder and various other cyber type shit. I'm exhausted by what I've discovered in our 19 years married. It's so hurtful. I'm 20 months out from d day and although I've healed sooooo much it's still just a weight. I wish it could just lift and remove itself from me. I shed 16 pounds in 3 weeks after d day and was 100 pounds and sick. Nerves/stress/lack of sleep all kicked in and I was a mess for a good 12 months. At the one year mark I regained some weight and sleep and today I feel better than ever. It just saddens me all the turmoil that my body went through and mind! <br />Browneyedgirl - it sounds like you are on the right track with him. I do think he needs to ask for your forgiveness and my H needs to too! We can move on and try and not bring up the past, but if they are not learning a lesson then maybe that's why it's repeating! Take a stance that you would like him to commit, ask for forgiveness and move on in a positive direction. How else can you move forward and close the book? As I type, it's making sense that I need to do this too. Almost 20 years of BS is too long! I hope you are doing well Browneyedgirl! This is so very hard and the ongoing pain is hard to manage at times. Heartfeltnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-84556574349424066642016-12-08T20:18:53.015-05:002016-12-08T20:18:53.015-05:00Hopeful 30, my husband and I spent several hours y...Hopeful 30, my husband and I spent several hours yesterday laying down, crying and talking about forgiveness and trust. Among other things I told him that I recently read that "forgiveness means giving up any thought of retaliation" and I told him I no longer wanted to do that. As for trust, I trusted him for 37 years and he blew it big time. He knows that and it hurts him deeply that I don't trust him. He desperately wants that and yesterday he said, "The biggest thing I want is your trust and it is the thing I always had from you and lost". Well, true. I don't know if I will ever fully trust him again. He is really doing well I think. Of course, now that he is retired and we are basically together all the time, he has no time to find porn and prostitutes in real time but he tells me that he will never go back to that ever again. Internally I'm skeptical but I keep that to myself. He promises me daily he will never ever hurt me or betray me again. I take that with a grain of salt because it is hard to imagine trusting him again. I want to believe him and his behavior is good. His actions seem sincere. We have fun, we laugh, we talk, we have great sex, we hold hands, we eat and sleep and do things together but there is still a part of me that wonders if he began experiencing stressors in his life again, would he talk to me about them or would he "act out"? I can't predict the future and he is afraid I might still leave him. I've told him I am committed to my marriage as long as he does not have a slip. I'm a zero tolerance person now. He had years to seek help, reach out to me and make different choices. I'm 65 now and I'm not going to go through this again. One chance. So far it has been worth the risk. I am a very kind, loving compassionate woman, friend, mother, wife and grandmother. This has been the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with including the loss of my mother. The world still thinks he is a stand-up guy who is kind, loving and devoted to me. Wow, having to keep that secret pisses me of so much at times. Our children and so many people in our lives continually say, "I hope I have your marriage" and stuff like that. Makes me blanch. He says, "Just say to people, well my husband can also be a toad but you don't see that part." Life is definitely getting better.Beach Girlnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-2245435096042684062016-12-08T19:27:26.379-05:002016-12-08T19:27:26.379-05:00I am one month since D-Day #3. I still can't s... I am one month since D-Day #3. I still can't sleep without taking something because I have night terrors of the two of them together and him sending countless emails bad mouthing me to her, adult dating sites and his mother and planning a future with the one he had sex with. I do think he feels guilty. And he keeps saying that it was his fault and he is so sorry. Sometimes I tell him how much I hurt. <br />Most days I suffer in silence. But he also blames me for the way he felt about our relationship prior to starting the affair. Told me he only ended it because of our young child. He has not taking accountability for his shortcomings in our relationship prior to the affairs or recognize that I must've been needing more from him too, but I chose to keep my pants on and put my focus on things like work. He is trying to be more romantic & complements me all the time. W e are in IC & MC and having sex as good as when we were dating and first married on a very frequent basis. Still with all of that I don't feel like he has really gotten deeper and understanding why HE was unhappy with HIMSELF that led him to the affairs. And he has said sorry many times but not yet asked for my forgiveness. I wish he would so I can be more confident in letting him regain my trust and love. Otherwise I need to protect my heart because I will not survive another affair even if it's cyber. I am in the "no decision is the right decision" for now, but if those things don't occur I don't know how/when I will know which road to take for the future. Or is what he is doing so far good enough. Those of you that are further out, I need to hear from you... Browneyedgirlnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-56575150131699451562016-12-08T16:22:05.408-05:002016-12-08T16:22:05.408-05:00It sounds like many of us are in the same place an...It sounds like many of us are in the same place and on the similar timeline. It is interesting how now we are able to see their pain. And I too would rather be in my shoes. I can't imagine and would never do what he did. I would struggle to get through that since I have now realized we are such different people. I do realize though it is much harder for him than I would have imagined. It has been a long road but I love we can connect here and talk about our ups and downs and progress.Hopeful 30noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-51478947688640632402016-12-07T18:10:31.767-05:002016-12-07T18:10:31.767-05:00I know it wasnt about me, i know she could have be...I know it wasnt about me, i know she could have been anyone willing and able and i know its one of the biggest mistakes of my Husbands life ... his words. 19mo out i can see it hurt immeasurable to be me and still stings but i have finally been able to see his pain too and while it sucks this happened to me id rather that position then knowing daily i was the one who did it thats his path which includes random acts of kindness and him still telling me sorry where i respond. I know. Staying in the day, taking care of me and focusing on us helps and knowing the next step is all i need to focus on ... looking back to reflect what change and looking to plan ahead is somewhat wasteful as nothing is guaranteed ... its taking me this long to get her and much of last year is a blur but im here ... standing. Woundednoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-27100088408713049182016-12-07T17:13:41.261-05:002016-12-07T17:13:41.261-05:00Thank you so much for the response...... We've...Thank you so much for the response...... We've had a rough week and yesterday he said he'd had enough..... He couldn't explain or answer any more questions and he felt hopeless about our marriage as I didn't seem to be able to move forward. At that point I realised I really didn't want our marriage to end and decided I'd have to stop obsessing on the past... Today is a good day and I've promised myself to try and just concentrate on today and being happy in the moment.... Might keep me focused!!! <br /><br />My other worry is ( sorry if I'm being a pain!!) should I feel responsible for telling the OW's husband?? Should I feel guilty for not telling him??? Is that my business??? ( I don't know him btw!) Womanlosthttp://gmailnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-65383568281359768632016-12-07T16:29:51.654-05:002016-12-07T16:29:51.654-05:00Beach Girl, It is so powerful when we start really...Beach Girl, It is so powerful when we start really working to live the life we want and deserve. My husband talks a lot about wanting to leave a positive legacy. He is ashamed and saddened every day by his actions. I know he thinks about it all the time. But he is on the right track living the life he feels he should and honoring me, our marriage and our kids and leaving that quality legacy.<br /><br />As far as forgiveness I felt it was about me telling him that I forgive but not forget. And it was at the point when I could tell he knew and felt so deeply how wrong he had been to do what he did. I think it was when he finally expressed to me how bad he was hurting. I figured that it was fun and exciting for him. Otherwise why do it over and over. Seems crazy to me. But when he was able to reflect and verbalize it to me I did forgive him. We still talk about it but I found that it was relief for me more than him. He will never forget and let it go completely. In fact I think he might hold on to it more than I will in the long run. But for me it allowed some sort of freedom and I felt better after that. <br /><br />Trust is another issue and that is something he has to continue to prove to me. He wants me to be happy and trust him so badly but we will see where that goes. So for me they were two separate issues/feelings. <br /><br />One thing my husband said to me that I thought about a lot is if I am giving him a second chance what does that look like. And he is right am I saying here is your second chance or am I taking actions to give him a second chance. Just like I expect him to take actions to restore my trust in him. So I am working really hard to give him a true second chance.Hopeful 30noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-42579126462391256862016-12-06T23:23:11.614-05:002016-12-06T23:23:11.614-05:00Elle, perhaps when you tire of writing you can get...Elle, perhaps when you tire of writing you can get your PhD in therapy? This post drives home such a deep and necessary truth for me on every level. Putting my own pain second and listening to his pain is the hardest thing I can do and thanks to you I've been practicing this regularly. My husband so wants my forgiveness and I've examined that from many angles. It is just hard to imagine "forgiveness" and figure out what that means. His pain (from childhood) led him to cheat, use porn and prostitutes and basically emotionally withdraw from our family. I am thinking that even if I get to forgiveness I may never fully trust him again. He lives a good life now. He is so happy about his life and choices. The past few days I've had triggers and thoughts that are hard to swallow but I think I've been able to rise above them. He is a broken man and he made terrible choices that he knows about and has to live with. He has to look himself in the mirror every day and know that. He is working hard to be the man he wants to be and the man I thought I married. Storm's advice that Hopeful 30 reminded us of about looking back at ourselves is so very important. I want to look back and see that I've lived a good life, I've lived true to my and I've loved all the right people in all the right ways. He has to deal with how he looks back on his life. We are two different people. I would have to say that he lives his life to make me happy, make us happy and he is a loving, kind and protective man in every way. I recognize that sometimes the hardness in my heart says, "that will never be enough" and I have to let that go. He deserves another chance and I don't want to blow up my children's lives or my future. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You rock.Beach Girlnoreply@blogger.com