tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post370796331257608198..comments2024-03-28T19:25:37.448-04:00Comments on Betrayed Wives' Club: To My Betrayed Soul-WarriorsEllehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comBlogger68125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-43143484489308189432020-02-27T12:34:21.025-05:002020-02-27T12:34:21.025-05:00Bonabeaner, now, 13 years later, I still miss her....Bonabeaner, now, 13 years later, I still miss her. But she taught me so much. And I'm grateful for that. She knew I was stronger than I realized.<br />You are too, even if you can't yet see it. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-21056187072138364332020-02-26T19:56:39.966-05:002020-02-26T19:56:39.966-05:00Elle you are amazing! I had no idea that you lost ...Elle you are amazing! I had no idea that you lost your mom in the midst of all this, i couldn’t imagine. Thank you for sharing your story. I had my first DDay on May 10, 2019 when he told me he kissed someone else but he was no longer involved with her. then on August 9, 2019 i caught him texting her and the truth started coming out. I‘m still destroyed and she called me to meet me not long after second DDay. He’s still here but i don’t know why. I don’t think he does either. I want myself back and i hope to get there soon or at least on more solid ground. Thank you for your blog Elle you’re awesome!bonabeanerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05978895080432180226noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-25652793540823212182018-06-07T15:33:24.683-04:002018-06-07T15:33:24.683-04:00Elle - I don't have sisters. But if I did ......Elle - I don't have sisters. But if I did ... I'd want her to be just like you.<br /><br />I told SS1 recently that I just simply wanted someone to sit down next to me, hand me a tissue and tell me everything would be ok. <br /><br />I've found myself clicking on links and reviewing old posts like mad the past few weeks. I'm amazed at the growth of so many of the women on this blog and I hold on to that like a security blanket.<br /><br />I will be ok ... with or without him. I will be ok. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-41455254911793502442017-08-09T18:23:11.397-04:002017-08-09T18:23:11.397-04:00Dawn, we're on a similar timeline out from D-d...Dawn, we're on a similar timeline out from D-day. I understand what you mean. Some days do seem like they're just as hard. But if I think about it, I'm really in a way different place than March 2016, when the trickle truth finally spilled over and it was all out. I'm not over it, not by a long shot. And I'm not even sure that this marriage is going to work out. But at least this is not the same place as before. Where I am definitely not is "our marriage is so much stronger now than before the affair", and I have serious doubts it ever will be. So, not sure what to do with that feeling...<br />Hang in there, sister!Periwinklehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12650541534444179504noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-78351453940254185422017-08-09T15:33:48.672-04:002017-08-09T15:33:48.672-04:00BEG, Totally hits home your last two sentences. My...BEG, Totally hits home your last two sentences. My husband goes on and on and tells me great things. Some days it is so hard to say I love you back or positive things. Then I am like why am I here. Ugh I go around and around in my head. I too wonder if I can get over all the years. He admits and takes full responsibility but I just don't know if it will ever be enough. Then I think am I settling because I cannot imagine trusting anyone ever again, friends family or otherwise. I was always the most optimistic person ever all the time. I always looked at everything as the glass was half full. Now I am so much more skeptical. He thinks that is bad and that I am letting this dictate my entire life outlook. I find bright spots but as I have told him I just cannot open up yet and be totally vulnerable with not just him. I find time with others is not enjoyable based on a variety of reasons. I find things that make me happy but all of them are things I do alone or only at the surface level. I feel fake with close friends and it never fails cheating and their judgments related to it always come up. My friends are a lot like me and would never do it themselves. This is a long road...Hopeful 30noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-56753335165364388902017-08-09T12:44:37.347-04:002017-08-09T12:44:37.347-04:00Sunflower, I have chosen to stay for the past 9 mo...Sunflower, I have chosen to stay for the past 9 mos and your feelings relate to me. I am honestly happier when H isn't around. He is doing most of the things a reformed CH should do. But I don't know if anything he could do would be enough to make me feel happy or lucky to be with him after what he did to betray me. I am fairly certain I would leave him if it weren't for the kids. We have so much marital dysfunction in both our families and basically no extended family, so if we divorce my kids are loosing a lot. H is constantly complimenting me & telling me how much he loves me. I have to dig deep to reciprocate. browneyedgirlnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-52546407316273784882017-08-09T12:32:33.688-04:002017-08-09T12:32:33.688-04:00Anonymous 7/31,
You are a very good writer. I ha...Anonymous 7/31, <br />You are a very good writer. I have been unable to read/write on BWC for the past 10 days and am just catching up and read your posts. I want you to know the first thoughts after "I am so sorry for what he has been through" was this: "this man should consider starting a blog for betrayed husbands". That may be the 'good' that comes out of your betrayal. Of course we welcome you here on BWC. Being a betrayed spouse is the same no matter your gender. I can not imagine getting through this without some support and I imagine there are thousands of other men who are looking for a safe place that is geared for betrayed husbands. browneyedgirlnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-2312501735670083152017-08-08T16:10:13.784-04:002017-08-08T16:10:13.784-04:00Anonymous
I'm so so sorry for the pain that y...Anonymous <br />I'm so so sorry for the pain that you are still dealing with! I wish I had magical words but all I can tell you is that it's a hard path to a healthy relationship! My h and I have had to go through hell and somehow still clinging to each other is what keeps us together. We had to go back to the beginning of our relationship and work our way through the good memories and then we had to face the hard work of the affair years and slowly get to the point of making a new relationship out of our old memories that were good years and we had to face the hard truth of what led him to make his choices. That took the better part of two years and now we've got to the point that we are making new fun memories with our adult children and now grandchildren! It's been rough at times but once we committed to rebuilding our relationship together, as time goes on it gets better. Our relationship isn't perfect by any means but we're completely committed to accept the good the bad and the ugly of these past six years. I'm hoping that you're working together and that she's as committed to your relationship as you appear to be! Keep looking up and for the positive when you can find it! One day at a time!Theresahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11767712425596090138noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-68236249098432434872017-08-08T09:29:18.399-04:002017-08-08T09:29:18.399-04:00(part 2 of 2)
Is that the optimal solution in a no...(part 2 of 2)<br />Is that the optimal solution in a nobody-wins scenario? I imagine, there really is no winning in this game -- I'm reminded of "Joshua" in 'War Games' who 'speaks', that "the only solution is not to play". <br /><br />I'm now a little smarter for reading "Your loyal", as is my wife. I remain introspective enough to know that my anger and thirst for some revenge is unquenched (where hopefully it stays). I don't subscribe to "living well is the best revenge" or certainly not the notion of karma -- heck, if that was the case, just my thoughts would've had the OM buried after a deluge of pain; While my wife has 'sorrow' and would love for anything to dismiss my pain, I'm too pragmatic that she doesn't/hasn't mourned the loss of her 15 year lover (yes, she was in love with him) or the mere possibility, that as I am reminded constantly of what was and wasn't real these past years, that she too has fond memories of the longest love her life has ever held. <br /><br />And so, if I believe the pundits, the therapists, the experts like you and I who add 'our story', I'm either a hero of untold courage, or an enabler who was ever too stupid to know what a fool I was taken for. Unfortunately for me, the latter is too often the victor -- come to think of it, outside of being strong enough to keep all of this from my adult 'kids' is the only sign of strength I can think of. <br /><br />I posted on 7/31 -- and didn't come back for 7 days. Yes, I was hoping that there was a group for 'men' which someone could cite -- more specifically, I wish there was one in the city I live. There isn't. I do (and have) thought about starting one -- I'm convinced that something 'good' needs to come of this much pain; it's not much different than me telling my wife (without sarcasm), "I really do hope that the affair was really that good for all those 15 years, that you enjoyed it that much to offset the" aggregated pain to all at this point. <br /><br />In (MC) therapy last week, I used the word 'resignation' -- I defy using Kubler-Ross' (DABDA) 'acceptance' phase -- it's fool's gold. And I was foolish (deceived of the truth) long enough. <br /><br />Thank you all for your insight in this thread and others.<br />Sadly,<br />"Anonymous"<br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-56038674362546311922017-08-08T08:05:07.050-04:002017-08-08T08:05:07.050-04:00Hello again. I'm the same 'anonymous' ...Hello again. I'm the same 'anonymous' who asked if it was okay me being since I'm a male. First & foremost, thank you to all for your words and your encouragement. Since my personal D-day, I've seen too many websites with everyone's "story"; despite everyone likely believing our personal horrors-come-true are probably the worst, there is some comfort in knowing the rhetorical 'you' are not alone. Yeah, I think I have the "drop the mic" tale too 28 (now 29) year marriage where my wife spent 15 years with a 'friend' who took advantage of coming to our home, my taking him to art/sports events and my wife all that same time; add to that more than 1 year of trickle truth accompanied by the same year of marital counseling (the same counselor we saw in year 3 of her 15 years, amazing, huh?) and that's my life. <br /><br />So for argument's sake, I'm 19 months out from realization and 7 months about from the last time she told me the truth. And my truth: for the most part, I think there might be nothing more for her to divulge save the details she is too shamed to admit/confess. And -- most of all, she is truly trying to fix it -- then again, I would have said exactly the same thing each of the 5+ times before she trickle-lengthened the affair's duration from 2 years to 3 to 6, then 7 -- then 11 -- and now (or at least six months ago) to 15 years. More than half our marriage. I really don't have a simple answer than to forgiving her, other than that I love her.<br /><br />"Random Thoughts" suggested looking 'Affair.com's' "understanding your loyal response". It struck this discomforting chord with me -- and I shared it with my wife. She said it was the best thing (of the likely 000's) I ever sent her and that she read. It's like reading an auto-biography which explains that everything I (all of us in the 'betrayed' or 'betrayer' communities) am feeling is normal. Sadly, while ever so true, it's difficult to read about the wreckage and trauma to all -- the betrayer, the betrayed, the entity of the marriage and luckily enough for me, not our children or families. The collateral damage, though so long over so lengthy time, has been contained to me -- and her. <br />(part 1 of 2 response)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-56080658564784115672017-08-04T11:09:53.508-04:002017-08-04T11:09:53.508-04:00Thank you, this was needed today. 15months out fr...Thank you, this was needed today. 15months out from dday... some days now are just as hard as those first days then.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03644547976516284551noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-25481950958729271742017-08-04T08:24:34.003-04:002017-08-04T08:24:34.003-04:00hi there SS, i am also SS. We can keep standing st...hi there SS, i am also SS. We can keep standing strong together, but to help our friends tell us apart I'm going to add a "1" after my screen name (I'm the SS who hangs out over on the separating or divorcing page a bunch.)<br />And the fact that your H was hooking up with a sex worker while you were recovering from delivering your baby blows my mind. Just shows how disconnected from reality they are. Mine was on "business trips" with the OW while I was ferrying our daughter around to various medical specialists to figure out why a teenager was having chronic kidney stone issues. Wow, right?<br />And i completely agree with you that to stay in the moment, be conscious of right now. I'd also add in there our favorite on here "be gentle with yourself, be kind to yourself" Much love! SS1Still Standing 1noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-59326489178571375942017-08-04T02:36:52.920-04:002017-08-04T02:36:52.920-04:00Hi Sunflower
Glad you had a great time away. You d...Hi Sunflower<br />Glad you had a great time away. You deserve it - and many more! I really get where you are coming from as my husband, he too lied repeatedly to my face! So, no. I can never trust him again, as he is not doing things that can rebuild that trust, which for me are MC and transparency for starters. Is your husband doing anything to prove to you he will not head down that cheating path again? Is he willing to do the work?<br />Hugs<br />Gabby xoAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-44385368068720076472017-08-03T23:36:13.653-04:002017-08-03T23:36:13.653-04:00Gabby, I'm gonna start by saying that I totall...Gabby, I'm gonna start by saying that I totally understand why he's not deserving a second chance, I mean who does he think he is? Mr irresistible, he really does need bringing back down to earth with a bang. Clearly he doesn't like being challenged in anyway, it's his way or the high way which must be extremely frustrating for you. Well done for working on you Gabby the less attention your h gets the better, his ego will eventually slap him in the face. Personally I think he sounds like a very insecure man who like you says needs mc to deal with his issues. Gabby please continue to work on you, your right to shut him if he's not worthy of your time or energy. You deserve so much better my love and I believe beautiful things are coming your way.. peace and strength coming your way.. lots of love xxxAnonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14621994625215389891noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-26773605349475763162017-08-03T03:07:13.552-04:002017-08-03T03:07:13.552-04:00Sweet probably dying...
My heart cries for you wh...Sweet probably dying...<br /><br />My heart cries for you when I read your story... what should have been the best time of your life ( enjoying wedding preps with your child, and worry only about trivial stuff like which shoes to pick etc- ) due to your husband's actions seems really tough<br />Unfortunately I can rely to that... in my case pregnancies and even birth of one of my kids was a hell experience ( 5 months pregnant, discovering porn, hook ups etc. complete denial on my husband.... and finall straw- chatting and hookibg up with a prostitute while I was recovering from my C section and my baby was still at ICU ��)<br />Please, remove any kind of pressure from yourself regarding making decisions... you are still frozen in a sense , you have a full right to feel whatever you feel...there is no right or wrong way... it's just the way it is... if you can shift your focus on your daughter and the wedding- great... it my case, when the whole hell broke loose- I couldn't afford to break down... talk to my therapist and we made decision to hold on everything ( snooping talking anything) for about month and a half, until I have time to deal with it.... somehow, consciously, I basically froze in time, pushed aside all the misery and focus on daily stuff.... consciously...Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03384938447197651846noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-25591514262381538792017-08-02T19:23:26.299-04:002017-08-02T19:23:26.299-04:00Rafaela
I'm so sorry to hear you are strugglin...Rafaela<br />I'm so sorry to hear you are struggling with it all. Do you have a good grasp of the language in your new country? Are you able to access MC/IC? Sometimes the heart ache in a marriage can be distracted by the joy your children bring to your life. I too really hate my husband and have had a roller coaster of emotions just like you. What has helped me through this is putting more energy into "me" time, if you can join a tennis club, yoga, book club, or even walking in the park - something just for you and your time. Also being busy with the kids having play dates and getting to know other mums is a great outlet. Have you got support with your family back in your home country? <br />Keep strong.<br />Hugs<br />Gabby xoAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-66342130988988668652017-08-02T19:11:24.799-04:002017-08-02T19:11:24.799-04:00Anon 31/07
You are "one of us". Betrayal...Anon 31/07<br />You are "one of us". Betrayal happens to any gender any where in the world. I'm glad to hear you are both in MC. That's a good step, and I hope you are happy with your MC. Most of us here have been blind sided for a long time. Just be proud of the fact that you are here dealing with someone who has had to lie, sneak and be deceptive for 15 years whilst you have been true to yourself and your marriage. That is something to be proud of, having integrity and strength to go on and deal with this. Keep strong and look after yourself.<br />Gabby Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-76039043205896459002017-08-02T19:01:44.520-04:002017-08-02T19:01:44.520-04:00Sam A
I forgot to say. He has always traveled for ...Sam A<br />I forgot to say. He has always traveled for work, and I never worried until I had that gut feeling, and then I found out about his affairs, which then I hated him having to travel. Now since our separation. The place I am with him - I no longer care, because I feel, with his lack of remorse, no interest in helping to fix our marriage and not being transparent, to me are all signs he will cheat again. It doesn't help with him having the nerve to tell me "in my job I meet a lot of gorgeous women". So whether he pays for it, calls back on his whore or a new one, for my peace of mind I have had to remove all feelings for him. He has always traveled, which meant I have had to do so much with the kids on my own anyway - so no difference there.<br />Hugs<br />Gabby xoAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-70584189912006043162017-08-02T17:53:34.347-04:002017-08-02T17:53:34.347-04:00FLAG, we grapple with the same demon. You said exa...FLAG, we grapple with the same demon. You said exactly what I am struggling with now. All I can think is, that's it's not time yet. If we're not to the place where we can let them back in, it's because it's too soon on our timeline to go there. And it cannot be forced. They caused this wreckage, so they can either put in the effort toward healing which includes a lot of patience, and a lot of "what does my LS need right now" instead of "what do I need right now", especially since the reason we're in this mess is because the second question was the only one they thought of before. Hugs, totally there with you in the trench. Periwinklehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12650541534444179504noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-33396878714452475452017-08-02T16:55:58.446-04:002017-08-02T16:55:58.446-04:00"Choosing to Stay" those famous words th..."Choosing to Stay" those famous words that have so little but yet so much power. Choosing=choice, which means we have more power and strength than we even know. We are not dead, we are not dying, we get to choose... I choose to stay today,I may choose to leave tomorrow. SBnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-70159696636178747962017-08-02T14:47:22.001-04:002017-08-02T14:47:22.001-04:00Gosh PD, hang in there!
Regarding anger, yes -...Gosh PD, hang in there!<br /> <br />Regarding anger, yes -- I do think it is inevitable. Within the first year after DDay our MC told me she didn't think I was angry enough. I thought she was nuts. I thought I felt angry enough for 10 women and I was exhausted by it. But I learned that what she meant is that I was rarely expressing my anger to my H, and when I did it scared us both so I stuffed it down. I wanted to be calm and reasonable and have deep, mature discussions. Ha. That wasn't really me. <br /><br />Really my soul was angry and had every right to be. I needed to hear that from a priest before I really trusted it. But once I did is when I truly began to get real. My H did too. Then the truth snowballed and our marriage started healing. Someone recently posted here about a Harriet Lerner book called "The Dance of Anger." I've ordered it and am hoping to learn and grow even more.<br /><br />I totally agree that you need to be in the "make no decisions" phase now. You have so much on your plate. I'm just letting you know that yes, the anger will soon come at you HARD, and yes, you WILL heal. Hugs!Salnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-80256159970691579502017-08-02T12:49:57.951-04:002017-08-02T12:49:57.951-04:00Anon Aug 1 @ 9:17a,
Love your letter. Love it. T...Anon Aug 1 @ 9:17a,<br />Love your letter. Love it. This is what I wanted to say but could never articulate. Oh the line "Girls like you have zero chance when there are women like me in the picture." Cheering over here. <br /><br />I agree with the other advice -- do NOT send this letter. No contact is best. But I've printed it out so I can read it when I need it :)Salnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-29130198130597680352017-08-02T12:14:25.549-04:002017-08-02T12:14:25.549-04:00Probably Dying ... I'm first sorry you are her...Probably Dying ... I'm first sorry you are here, me too and I'm more sorry this is invading your life at one of the most special times your kids wedding ... double fuck!!! But chaos and bullshit can strike on any day anytime. Try to enjoy and stay in the moment that day. As far as being angry thinking back I'm not sure I was in terms of rageful or squeezed fist? Some are though I believe the hurt was so great that I surely thought the gaping ache of my wounded heart would swallow me whole? It didn't ... I chant at low,times I'm wounded not broken. If you get angry more power to you .turn that into power not more poor choices meditate work out. long ago it was wrote your heartbreak your rules. True that. But in hindsight anger is,really a mask for hurt ... isn't it? You may still be numb or perhaps to many blanks in the story for you to just let it be and although you might find out shit that makes your head spin and heart sunk the mind movies fictional I first tried to create were way worse. Some things I'm still shaking my head and others I wish I didn't know... careful once you know something you can't unknown it. Sigh! Sit idle, do you and stay busy with the wedding but then once home allow yourself some me time maybe that's falling apart on the bathroom floor or maybe it's a long walk outside the warmth on your face can help along with pretty toes go ahead splurge. You aren't alone. We are all here. We know exactly how you are feeling! Woundednoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-14215614421650852972017-08-02T10:47:27.249-04:002017-08-02T10:47:27.249-04:00Probably Dying, many of us can relate. My husband ...Probably Dying, many of us can relate. My husband disclosed to me a week before my daughter was due to deliver her first child. I was in shock, had to manage a million feelings, cry at unlikely times and keep my cool. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. I gave myself a year to make any final decisions but told my spouse that one, just ONE, slip with porn or whores was a deal breaker. He was motivated to stop and change his life. Time will tell what your spouse plans. I make counseling appointments immediately for me and told him to find someone to talk to. It was awful and I did not find out the bulk of his secret life for months. We never had a full, professionally mediated disclosure so if you can find a therapist who understands sex addiction or someone trained in the Gottman method, please go for it.Beach Girlnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-64110725980839131602017-08-02T09:31:22.203-04:002017-08-02T09:31:22.203-04:00I just had 4 days away for an annual ladies weeken...I just had 4 days away for an annual ladies weekend - no husband; no kids; no dog - just sunshine and relaxation. It was glorious. The moment I drove home and pulled into my driveway I felt the most incredible weight and fog settle over me. It was the weight of his betrayal and the fog of my sadness. It has been TWO YEARS since I found out. I can't stand this feeling. I need it to stop. We are still together and I can't help but think I've made the wrong choice. I felt so free and relaxed when I was away. Coming home was an eye opener. I didn't expect the burden to wash over me instantly. He says he's learned his lesson and he'll never do it again. But, he was able to tell me those same words several times during the 3 years he was cheating. How do I trust him now? He had no problem looking me in the eye and reassuring me he would not be THAT guy all the while he was living the lie. I don't trust our future. ~SunflowerAnonymousnoreply@blogger.com