tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post3842730097092327149..comments2024-03-17T12:13:33.772-04:00Comments on Betrayed Wives' Club: Let's Talk About SexEllehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comBlogger67125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-91353450423743810542015-06-09T11:59:02.181-04:002015-06-09T11:59:02.181-04:00I was lucky in that my husband was always generous...I was lucky in that my husband was always generous in bed (ladies first, he always said), just that we rarely had sex at all. He wanted to, but felt too guilty because of the addiction. I often felt guilty for complaining that we rarely had sex, since he was always good about making sure I climaxed every time when it actually did happen.<br /><br />Glad you had a good counsellor on your side<br /><br /> Totally agree about him being lucky to still have you. I feel the same way (and he agrees.)<br /><br />~GeeAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-45754625842140622032015-06-08T15:22:23.200-04:002015-06-08T15:22:23.200-04:00Gee
My h didn't have a porn addiction he was j...Gee<br />My h didn't have a porn addiction he was just very selfish sexually. I think he may have been a sexual narcissist however at that age I had NO idea there was even such a beast. I had to get my pleasure FAST and if not with him by myself, if you know what I mean. He assumed since I didn't climax as fast as he did, yes he tends to see all the world thru his own lens, then I obviously didn't like sex. Yeah, I told, asked, cajoled, threatened, bribed you name it. Went in one ear and out the other.<br /><br />I hear you loud and clear because NOW my sex life with him is GREAT!!! And why because well he owes it to me. Now I demand it. There will be NO pleasure for him if I don't have it too, thank you marriage counselor, and it's ME first!!!!<br /><br />Thump on the head is right!!! LOL I have no problem reminding him how he has the best and he agrees :) Hey if we don't toot our own horn, who will? Truthfully, he's the luckiest man on earth to still have meTryingHardhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11598084690617343428noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-86366355040792458412015-06-08T12:32:16.612-04:002015-06-08T12:32:16.612-04:00Due to my husband's porn addiction, we had sex...Due to my husband's porn addiction, we had sexual anorexia in our marriage from day one until 12.5 years later when he attempted to cheat on me with a woman he met on the internet (he was unable to through with it). So post-betrayal, our sex life has actually been better than it ever was, even after hysterical bonding wore off. I suppose I'm "lucky" in that sense.<br /><br />What really gets me now is how great our sex life is now, and I sometimes look at him and just want to thump him on the head and say, "You idiot! We could have had this all along if you'd just gotten help! We could have had this without you having to tear out my heart and stomp on it first!"<br /><br />~GeeAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-60197850566495683742014-03-23T09:20:20.643-04:002014-03-23T09:20:20.643-04:00Hi Cat, You've done so well 6 months D Day, yo...Hi Cat, You've done so well 6 months D Day, you really have. Different things at different times come back to haunt us. After getting the awful images out of my head for part of the day, like you, I then was more angry by the intimacy. It took me a long while to realise that sometimes it appears as if we have bonded with someone when in fact we haven't. Think of the parents in laws that we normally wouldn't enjoy spending time with, but we look as if we're really getting along, the mum you cant stand at school but your son is best friends with her son so you make the effort, the health care workers that look after a loved one, we laugh and joke with them, buy them little gifts even though we think they are lazy and don't take a pride in their work but we want to make it better for our relatives they are looking after, the mechanic who looks after your car, we want these people to like us and feel that by being friendly and charming and appearing to be close to them, they will do a bit more or care a bit more. Well, its the same for the affair partner. My husband was a completely different man in front of her, these women are usually really needy and fishing for compliments and moments with our husbands. So they appear interested in things that they're not. My husbands mistress. according to him came out with such bullshit it was laughable, but he didn't care as he was never going to form a life with her, he just wanted one thing. They are only sharing one thing with the O/W: More bullshit and in return receiving it along with a few favours!!!!! My husband couldn't believe how naive she was and looking back after affair fog doesn't understand how he got away with the rubbish he told her. So hang on to that thought, you have done so well and so quickly.<br /><br />I wish you well.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-66572511772137972632014-03-14T18:00:42.328-04:002014-03-14T18:00:42.328-04:00First - thank you! Elle, for sharing and writing t...First - thank you! Elle, for sharing and writing this blog; everyone, for sharing your stories. You've all been a God send. We've been together over 25 years, and are 6 months post D-Day of a month long affair. We are doing so incredibly well in so many ways, it's hard to believe how terrible our marriage was before. The hysterical bonding ended around 3 months post D-Day, but our making love continued on a more 'normal' level. I was often bombarded with 'images', but was somehow able to work through them and still enjoy our love making. About 3 weeks ago, this took a turn for the worse. I'm unable to get past the feeling of how he 'shared' himself with her. Not the actual sexual acts, but the intimacy shared with her. He tells me it wasn't really like that, and nothing like the deep bond we share. But I'm really struggling. Help, please!<br />CatAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-55521231384567549642014-02-19T18:59:33.606-05:002014-02-19T18:59:33.606-05:00Sam
I agree totally! I can look at myself in the m...Sam<br />I agree totally! I can look at myself in the mirror ... and now I see a woman with a lttle more fear in my eyes but I also see someone stronger than I ever imagined...for that I sm thankful...but just today I was thinking of asking my husband who he sees when he looks in the mirror...I'll let you know what he says...<br />LAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-8738906496081722502014-02-19T17:26:18.700-05:002014-02-19T17:26:18.700-05:00After having been together for about 20 years, my ...After having been together for about 20 years, my husband night enjoy watching soft porn movies on cable TV as foreplay and even sometimes during sex. However, last night, as I was watching one of these movies, my head was substituting him for the man and the affair partner as the woman. I just couldn't stop picturing the 2 of them together as I watched . It really ruined the mood. I'm six months post today and this is the first time it really happened to this intensity. I hope I can get it to stop.<br /><br />-samAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-13460899466105377332014-02-18T21:46:43.401-05:002014-02-18T21:46:43.401-05:00I was a virgin when I met my husband & have ne...I was a virgin when I met my husband & have never been with any one else. He had sex with 3 women before we dated. But I used to think at least I'll be the last. But I never imagined that there would be another one DURING the time that we were together. Sometimes I wonder ( more so after the affair) if there's something I'm missing out on. But MY values are still the same. His cheating didn't change them -- I still believe that meaningless sex is just that-- meaningless & therefore I won't lower my standards just because he did. I am my own person have to answer to myself & look myself in the mirror every day. & I'm glad that I don't see a cheater looking back at me & I feel sorry for my husband that he does<br /><br />But I still wonder sometimes.<br /><br />-samAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-46696817406521240632014-02-17T14:28:26.904-05:002014-02-17T14:28:26.904-05:00Thank you for this post. I have read all the comme...Thank you for this post. I have read all the comments and I find comfort in knowing that there are others here who have only been with their husband. Up until his affair I was his one and only. Boy this messes with my head big time. He has said to me on many occasions there is NO ONE else here and while I believe him(he was really good at compartmentalizing) I still 'invite' her in. Oh how I hate that I am soo accomadating!!!! ; / I have heard different ways of dealing with this. I read somewhere to picture her in the room watching you. Trust me she's not laughing. (My husbands AP divorced her husband of 30 years during their 2 year affair thinking that she had a future with him. She was also my competition when we were dating in high school ) I struggle with her presence and all the 'stuff' did he say that do that bla bla but as my therapist told me SHE DID NOT KNOW HIM and I find peace with that. I also know he wishes we could hit the rewind button and has said how ashamed he feels. It helps so much that he is doing EVERYTHING right. Ps...we make love.....THEY had sex.<br />Here's to LOVE.<br />LAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-20899312913087124202014-02-13T10:44:28.987-05:002014-02-13T10:44:28.987-05:00J,
Yes don't withdraw unless you're findin...J,<br />Yes don't withdraw unless you're finding sex traumatic. However, what I'm hoping you can do is recognize that each of you is always changing. Whether it's something you see in a movie that makes you decide to rearrange your living room, or something you see in a magazine that makes you decide to try a new salmon recipe...we're always incorporating new ideas into our own lives. Yet many many couples have the same sex for years and years and years. We feel at our most vulnerable when we're naked with another person. It brings up all sorts of issues about our attractiveness, body image, performance. Our culture doesn't help by constantly reminding us that a normal body isn't gorgeous enough. <br />But, as I noted in my post, by trying to come back together with a recognition that perhaps you can begin to look at each as constantly changing people. Absolutely it's painful that your husband got some of his new ideas from other partners (as opposed to an article in GQ, for example). And you are completely within your rights to draw boundaries around what does and does not fly with you in bed. But if you can approach this as a chance to learn more about each other -- and it goes both ways; you get to suggest things that you might like to try too -- you might be able to reclaim "your" sex. Many of us have had sexual partners before our husbands and there's no question that we bring some of what we learned into our marriages. So it's the issue that this happened "during" rather than "before" that's really tripping you up.<br />As I said, of course I'm not glossing over just how vulnerable sex feels post-betrayal. So you could even ask your husband to just put the brakes on anything new until you feel a bit less freaked out by it. But try and eventually consider it as a chance to learn more about the man who's always changing...just as you are.<br /><br />ElleEllehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-48763442129999378652014-02-13T10:07:46.729-05:002014-02-13T10:07:46.729-05:00I am really struggling this week. The other night ...I am really struggling this week. The other night I felt like I was struck by a lightening bolt after we had sex. My husband for 8 yrs was having happy ending massages both during business trips to Asia, then continuing with "escorts" he found on backpage in our hometown. What brought me to tears the other night after sex, was realizing that "our sex" is no longer that....it seems to have been re-written to incorporate those women's methods and what was developed as his sexual preference for so long. I broke down at one point when he started to telling me to do something different....was it something she, or they did that he liked? Is this what led him away, am I not satisfying sexually? OMG, it was awful....<br />fortunately he was compassionate and we talked but I don't want to have to perform like someone else. I feel like I am in a competition now and that I have to learn something new to keep him happy. Of course it is all so confusing and since we are only 3 months past D-Day, I am still emotionally raw. Part of me wants to shut down and withdraw, esp. from sex, but I know how wrong that would be.<br />Thanks for letting me share.<br />J.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-40371171649997589212014-02-10T15:01:38.616-05:002014-02-10T15:01:38.616-05:00"I will not be defined by his affair. I do no..."I will not be defined by his affair. I do not care if he was thinking about me or not, I don't care how much compartmentalization he did. I don't care about the demonstrative women who say " once a cheater, always a cheater" What I care about is my life, my children's life and husbands life from this point."<br /><br />Considering that some of their encounters happened when he flew to see her on my birthday and when he opted out on a trip with the kids and me to go on a trip with her, I do still care about the fact that he was clearly NOT thinking about me, but I'm working to get past that. But like you, I too am determined - even through my tears and rage - that this affair will not define me, and that I too care about is my life, my children's life and husbands life from this point. She will not take my life. We're not broken, just (terribly) bent and we will get through this. - MYR<br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-60086893848485605352014-02-10T09:58:53.460-05:002014-02-10T09:58:53.460-05:00Anonymous,
Glad you're here and that you decid...Anonymous,<br />Glad you're here and that you decided not to go it alone. I think it helps to have those who "get" what we're going through, even if circumstances are different. What's more, it's nice for us to be able to escape into this blog without having to share our pain with our day-to-day world. We can unload here and then, bolstered, put on our "party face" (as my mom used to call it) and get back to the real world.<br /><br />ElleEllehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-32711133217964151112014-02-10T09:56:57.822-05:002014-02-10T09:56:57.822-05:00Sam,
We're happy you found us too...but I know...Sam,<br />We're happy you found us too...but I know each of us wishes you or anyone else didn't need this site.<br />Welcome to the club nobody wants to join! :)<br /><br />ElleEllehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-82644490099079154782014-02-10T09:55:39.158-05:002014-02-10T09:55:39.158-05:00Like you, I wondered what sort of choice I would b...Like you, I wondered what sort of choice I would be making if I left my husband. What would I be saying to my children? There are, of course, two sides: on the one, the message is that dishonesty and deceit and betrayal comes with a price. On the other, we each will make mistakes. Which is why, ultimately, I don't think there is a "right" response to this. We all have to make the choice that is best for us. Affairs don't exist in a vacuum. They occur within a larger context of the marriage, friendships, and so on. Our task is to determine whether or not the affair is symptomatic of a larger issue (which could continue to jeopardize us) or a horrible mistake that's unlikely to happen again. We get to decide, not our family or friends or larger culture.<br /><br />ElleEllehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-51814483228380023632014-02-10T06:45:41.698-05:002014-02-10T06:45:41.698-05:00Hi Sam,
There are literally thousands of us. I...Hi Sam,<br /><br />There are literally thousands of us. I'm glad that this site has helped. I was the person that wasn't going to join a blog, I didn't need people helping me with this, it was personal and we weren't like any other couple.... Well, it took me a few weeks to find out that yes, I did need a positive well balanced site, we were like other couples and although I remain anonymous, it wasn't that personal enough that I could remain without the nourishment and encouragement from Elle and other members. I have cried reading this site, I have literally laughed my socks off and I have gained valuable knowledge and ideas to help me cope. As we move forward, we may need to use this site less, but from time to time I will always come back to this blog to put a little something back to all the woman that gave me the helping hand I so needed.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-67303554379768432072014-02-09T06:23:38.026-05:002014-02-09T06:23:38.026-05:00Thank you so much for above post. You said what I...Thank you so much for above post. You said what I am currently experiencing beautifully. It really helps to know others are in the same boat and trying to reconcile, as we are.<br />SamAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-10698182120770717842014-02-08T11:23:03.404-05:002014-02-08T11:23:03.404-05:00Thank you so much for the above post. I am 6 mont...Thank you so much for the above post. I am 6 months post d day today and 2 years after the affair ended. This is EXACTLY where I am. It is so inspiring and encouraging to read what you have written.<br /><br />I never thought I would be a member of this club because I thought my husband was better than this, but I am so happy to have found all of you.<br /><br />Sharing really helps.<br /><br />-SamAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-90094868320617417612014-02-07T09:16:56.865-05:002014-02-07T09:16:56.865-05:00Think I just posted the last comment in the wrong ...Think I just posted the last comment in the wrong section, should have been in " What we he thinking"Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-86151286781152793042014-02-07T09:14:51.779-05:002014-02-07T09:14:51.779-05:00I will not be defined by his affair. I do not care...I will not be defined by his affair. I do not care if he was thinking about me or not, I don't care how much compartmentalisation he did. I don't care about the demonstrative women who say " once a cheater, always a cheater" What I care about is my life, my children's life and husbands life from this point. He knows how much he's hurt me, he knows what a fool he's been and he also knows how blessed he is that I will try and make a go of things. Its happened!<br /><br />I sometimes think it would make everyone else happier had I chucked him out, then they would feel that " their justice" was served. Meanwhile, I continue a life that will inevitably bring up disappointments and hurt again and what do I do then? Banish my children when they make awful mistakes, cut off contact with my parents when they fuck up? And thinking about it, what about when I, if ever, betray or do something awful to another.<br /><br />No one should be walked upon or taken for granted, but if you have a partner who can see the error of their ways, does everything in their power to lead a better life, then we should at least try and see what the future will bring. <br /><br />For the record, my husband said that he really didn't think about me during the affair, it was all about him, his needs, his addiction, his messed up mind. Yes, there were moments when he had to because he needed to make a call to cover his tracks, but it was his problem. unfortunately after discovery it was about us as a family and the consequences and heart break. But, couldn't give a shit about what he was thinking, I just know he did wrong, really wrong but we're working through it. Its a work in progress.<br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-72941342230247527162014-02-06T07:15:41.892-05:002014-02-06T07:15:41.892-05:00I showed this to my H and he asked me to print it ...I showed this to my H and he asked me to print it and stick it next to my bed ;-)<br /><br />Mara xAnonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00289516031793108727noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-51685547874570968152014-02-05T13:45:03.106-05:002014-02-05T13:45:03.106-05:00It's so interesting to me how quickly we belie...It's so interesting to me how quickly we believe negative things about ourselves and how we resist believing good things. Doesn't seem to matter how often my husband tells me he finds me sexy and beautiful, I don't quite believe it. But he once insulted an outfit I wore and I can remember every word of that insult. <br />Ask an author whether or not they believe the dozens of good reviews of their book...or the one that says the book sucks! You know the answer.<br />It's human nature to believe the negative because it confirms what we secretly think about ourselves. My daughter was once upset because some girls had said something about her (can't remember exactly what -- along the lines of she wasn't popular or athletic, both which she believed). I asked her if they were making fun of her for having purple hair, if she would be upset. "No," she replied, "because I don't have purple hair." Exactly, I said. It isn't what they're saying to you, it's what you're saying to yourself. <br />Your husband is telling you that he finds you desirable, attractive, that he loves the lingerie. But you're telling yourself that the OW was more exciting or interesting or provocative. If that's the case, why is he with you? Is it possible that he DOES find you sexy and provocative and interesting and exciting...and what's more, he wants to be with you when the sex is over?? My guess is that's far more true than any story you're telling yourself.<br /><br />ElleEllehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-25982065751744270712014-02-05T13:38:04.570-05:002014-02-05T13:38:04.570-05:00You're right in that it's not always the &...You're right in that it's not always the "same". Each of us brings our sexual repertoire to any relationship, sometimes especially an adulterous one because the OW is using sex as currency.<br />But it's important to note that sex isn't something one is inherently good at. Like being a good cook, we can learn.<br />That can be fraught, however, in the wake of betrayal because we feel like we're being asked to compete with the OW. If at all possible, try to look at it not as competition but a chance to explore your own sexual boundaries. <br />It can be one of the stranger bonuses of post-affair marriage -- the chance to discover each other as different than you were. <br />I tried anal sex during the hysterical bonding phase -- something I hadn't felt comfortable trying before then. I didn't love it...but I didn't hate it either. In a way I felt like I took it from being something that was part of "their" repertoire to making it part of my own.<br />That said, you both need to be able to say without fear of judgement, that certain things just aren't for you. <br />But it never hurts to ask yourself why. Why aren't certain things for you? What do they represent to you? What messages do you have around certain acts that make them off the table for you? There's no right/wrong. But it only helps a marriage, I think, to be able to talk openly and without fear of judgement about who we really are.<br /><br />ElleEllehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-31096261606509163862014-02-05T13:25:50.601-05:002014-02-05T13:25:50.601-05:00Yes, I can relate. The whole notion of sex as &quo...Yes, I can relate. The whole notion of sex as "dirty" has eclipsed my formerly healthy ideas about sex. My therapist insists I've experienced sexual trauma, which is what makes me view it as "dirty" now. I think she's probably right. <br />The challenge now is healing from that.<br /><br />ElleEllehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-73813297973090164192014-02-05T12:22:06.381-05:002014-02-05T12:22:06.381-05:00That makes so much sense, I think I'm think I&...That makes so much sense, I think I'm think I'm past the hatred stage. Im ready to rebuild something special with my husband and I'm sure there will be laughter and tears along the way. I might just ask my husband about the 'stare' see if he is up for it. I'm kinda intrigued : ) xAnonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10071329217675295943noreply@blogger.com