tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post4259866756289863012..comments2024-03-27T21:50:33.178-04:00Comments on Betrayed Wives' Club: From the Vault: I'm About to Wage War Over My BoundariesEllehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comBlogger55125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-45188810480126881362015-05-18T12:15:59.682-04:002015-05-18T12:15:59.682-04:00I'm still around, reading. Hope to be more pre...I'm still around, reading. Hope to be more present soon!Irisnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-55075091388097986062015-05-16T14:33:50.287-04:002015-05-16T14:33:50.287-04:00My heartfelt thanks and gratitude to each of you ....My heartfelt thanks and gratitude to each of you ... and of course ... a fierce hug too!Melissahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15625911085419338023noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-26981543229964346972015-05-16T11:41:16.712-04:002015-05-16T11:41:16.712-04:00Iris,
It's these guys' damn "bananas&...Iris,<br />It's these guys' damn "bananas" that are getting them in so much trouble! ;)<br />I love that "not my circus, not my monkeys" proverb. Important to remember.<br />And...Yay! You're back. We've missed you. <br />Fierce hug indeed.Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-15504672687645359732015-05-16T11:38:43.087-04:002015-05-16T11:38:43.087-04:00TH,
Please don't ever worry that you're &q...TH,<br />Please don't ever worry that you're "hijacking" anything. I've always imagined this is as a community, with me as something of a gatekeeper to keep the haters out while we get strong. <br />I think it's really important to have many points of view. You're right in that so many of might have different circumstances but similar experiences dealing with it. <br />I do try hard to never encourage someone to choose either reconciliation or divorce, but rather to encourage them to figure out for themselves what they want from a place of clarity and self-respect. In some cases, it's clear that the person is in an abusive situation and I won't hesitate to tell them to get the hell out (no idea whether they take that advice or not; I suspect it's not quite that easy). But in so many cases, we really have no idea what's right for somebody else. Some of us need to try everything before we're ready to throw in the towel. Some need to know that it's possible to have another option than to leave. <br />In any case...thank-you. And to you and everyone on this site, please don't ever hesitate to offer up your heartfelt guidance, hard-won wisdom, gentle compassion and support. I take such pleasure seeing you all helping each other along. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-25860860862038561962015-05-16T11:00:18.946-04:002015-05-16T11:00:18.946-04:00Thanks Elle. I don't mean to hijack your blog....Thanks Elle. I don't mean to hijack your blog. I hope I'm giving reasonable and good guidance. All of us have the same experience. Maybe a little different details and maybe different depths of pain but in the end we are all in the same leaky boat. <br /><br />I think sometimes as betrayed spouse we see hope where there may not be any. I do think in Melissa's case there is hope. People get very confused in the early days, betrayed and cheater. There are so many wrong turns. I hope I am helping if just a little bit.TryingHardhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11598084690617343428noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-14692201000457759582015-05-16T10:56:45.795-04:002015-05-16T10:56:45.795-04:00Melissa,
'I said to him people who love each ...Melissa,<br /><br />'I said to him people who love each other and get along and call other pet names they don't get divorces.' <br /><br />This is why this whole business is so sad. So sad that people are selfish and unkind. The loss won't even be understood until much later, when it hits him what he's done.<br /><br />May I add my voice to those praising you for your courage and strength. They say 'fake it till you make it,' and that's something you can do. You've put everything in place and will have legal advice as you take the next few steps. Perhaps you'll feel the women here supporting you when you feel most alone, because I know any one of us would be there in person if we could be. <br /><br />I bet you don't know your own strength. Well, you're about to find out how strong you are. Whatever happens, you'll have reason to be proud of yourself for staying above the madness. I've seen this on other sites - the Polish proverb "Not my circus, not my monkeys." Did you order the monkeys? I think not. Either he wakes up and puts down the banana or he does not; meanwhile you're not keeping your life on hold while he works out which species he belongs to.<br /><br />Fierce hug for you.<br />Irisnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-61049002815888081152015-05-16T10:55:38.191-04:002015-05-16T10:55:38.191-04:00Melissa,
From what you've been writing, you so...Melissa,<br />From what you've been writing, you sound more centred and certain that previously. That is you operating from a place of strength and self-respect. Hang on to that no matter what he does. Your job has always been to come to the relationship with respect and honesty; that's always been his job too. He has let you down. You're right to insist upon a plan from him about how he's going to make amends...and become the person you deserved all along.<br />Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-55298300328895640402015-05-16T10:52:04.924-04:002015-05-16T10:52:04.924-04:00Melissa
This sounds good. Just please proceed wit...Melissa<br />This sounds good. Just please proceed with caution. Keep your eyes wide open. Trust but verify.TryingHardhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11598084690617343428noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-24547228979704606722015-05-16T10:51:48.494-04:002015-05-16T10:51:48.494-04:00I echo everything TH says!I echo everything TH says!Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-30220800110499183592015-05-15T21:11:04.348-04:002015-05-15T21:11:04.348-04:00Thank you ladies… I saw my husband this evening an...Thank you ladies… I saw my husband this evening and he asked me how I felt about us getting back together ... about him moving home. I didn't answer right away… In fact, we were leaving a restaurant and found a homeless man whom we did our best to help. Once we got back to our home… I said in answer to your question ... I believe we could have a better marriage then we had before and it was pretty darn good ... I asked how he felt? And he said that he was scared… I told him I was scared too. I reminded him that a long time ago he taught me in regards to scuba diving ... I said to him that I was scared and he said you don't think I'm scared? Courage is moving forward even when facing fear. I did tell him… We need to both determine what us getting back together looks like. I want to put the ball in his court and ask him how is he going to allow me or provide me with the opportunity to trust him again. What does that look like to him? Obviously my deal breakers would be no contact with the OW and some form of treatment… I'm not certain myself what that looks like yet. Individual counseling? Marriage counseling? Reading the books that were recommended by our previous marriage counselor? We have a date scheduled for this coming Tuesday… We plan to go to the beach and we are going to discuss what our getting back together looks like for us. Yes, I could feel that something had changed in him…I believe something has changed in me too. And I believe the support and the love that you all have shown me, as well as the support and love from my family and friends has lifted me to a place of strength. I am not certain exactly where I'm going from here… In regards to my marriage… I do know this though, I am one blessed woman. I strongly believe that everything happens for the greater good and everything happens for the growth of our souls .... I can't say exactly what that is right now… One day I will be absolutely certain. Peace, light and love. Melissahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15625911085419338023noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-45636419915369295802015-05-15T12:52:55.494-04:002015-05-15T12:52:55.494-04:00Wow you sound strong, determined and sticking to Y...Wow you sound strong, determined and sticking to YOUR plan. He chose the OW even after Dday so now your in control of the choices not him and you sound great. Stay strong either way it gets better and you already sound better. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17219895095283341385noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-33593881980083329712015-05-15T09:07:30.418-04:002015-05-15T09:07:30.418-04:00Bravo Melissa. You are doing the right thing. Lol...Bravo Melissa. You are doing the right thing. Lol I get the looking good and then being, what I like to call, FIRM:). <br /><br />If HE chooses not to come home and make an earnest effort AND absolute NO CONTACT with the OW then you will choose your own destiny. Not him, he will be choosing his own miserable destiny.<br /><br />I truly believe he is starting to see the light.. He thinks he needs time to make sure he's making the right choice. I call bullshit on that. You are not an option!!! But I agree during this time apart you get your ducks in a row. Let him go on wasting time and energy playing the high school boy, having his proverbial cake and eating it too. I know you want your marriage but make him beg to come home. Make him prove your value to him. Do not allow yourself to be an option so don't push your hand and insist he come home before May 25. All the balls will be in your court, I assure you, one way or another. I've been including you in my prayers everyday. Know you're cared for and loved. We know exactly what you are going through. Stay strong and be kind to yourself. This is NOT your fault.TryingHardhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11598084690617343428noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-8335006656636887272015-05-14T21:47:39.874-04:002015-05-14T21:47:39.874-04:00Thank you TH and Elle. It did in fact make me fee...Thank you TH and Elle. It did in fact make me feel empowered… I am seeing another attorney this coming Wednesday. I'm taking the same friend with me. I also spoke to my husband in regards to his contact with the OW and the fact that doing such is disrespectful to me. Adding, I do not disrespect you. As well, it muddles his mind as far as the clarity he needs during this time of separation. I find myself being a combination of "carrot and stick" I am positive and enticing at times, looking good and feeling good in the presence of my husband…and in the same visit I give him a piece of my mind, without drama, just very clear stating what it is I expect. At one point I told him you're not going to just wake up with a lightning bolt to the brain that gives you a decision you need to make a decision and commit to it. Adding, you need to put on your big boy panties and figure it out. I have noticed a definite change in him… He is texting and calling and visiting more often… As well, I can simply feel the difference in him. Our six-week separation is over on May 25… My intention is to have seen both attorneys by that time. If my husband has not been able to come up with his decision my intent is to tell him that I Will no longer continue in a separation. If he asks for more separation time I will tell him no I cannot continue to do this it is not progressing our marriage and is unhealthy for me. if he does not want to come home and put his all, 100% into the marriage I will tell him that I have consulted with attorneys… And that I believe it's time for us to sit down and divide our assets. If he feels he wants to come home and work on the marriage… there will be conditions, of course. I am certainly hoping for the reconciliation and both of us giving her all in the process. get a least I feel better having made some decisions and a plan, rather than living in limbo. £>£>£>Melissahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15625911085419338023noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-39128989413308675482015-05-14T10:53:56.408-04:002015-05-14T10:53:56.408-04:00Good advice, TH. And glad you've taken that st...Good advice, TH. And glad you've taken that step, Melissa. Whatever happens, you're taking control of what you can. And that's empowering in itself. You're nobody's puppet.Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-20424545659978697482015-05-14T09:23:53.690-04:002015-05-14T09:23:53.690-04:00Melissa
I know yesterday was a hard day. I remembe...Melissa<br />I know yesterday was a hard day. I remember it well and I'm glad you thought to take someone with you for a second set of ears. I'm not even saying you will end up getting divorced but it is very wise to get all your ducks in a row. <br /><br />Fact is your husband isn't thinking right. He's playing his options and he's lying. It's very difficult to create some peace when you are getting mixed signals and it cannot go on. It is imperative that you take care of yourself financially and emotionally. I could leave because I don't have small children or a job at that time. My lawyer adamantly told me not to find a job. Even if I had I was a mess and probably couldn't have found one. But you can do small things for yourself and I suggest doing them. Just try everyday to do something positive and feel good for you. I also walked, ALOT. <br /><br />You're going to be tempted to tell you have secured council. Some folks will say not to. I'm not sure about that. He needs to know if he continues the affair it's a deal breaker and you are moving forward with what you need to do. DO NOT however talk about the legalities. You guys should talk about the state of your marriage however never get into a discussion about legalities. He will try to bully you or sell you on something else. <br /><br />Stay strong. We are here for you. Hugs and prayers to you.TryingHardhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11598084690617343428noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-91954039392556729532015-05-13T16:22:17.871-04:002015-05-13T16:22:17.871-04:00Ladies, I know it's been said over and over bu...Ladies, I know it's been said over and over but I will say it again thank you all so much for sharing your stories and for offering support it means the world to me. I went to see an attorney today it was very difficult I did have my friend there and she took copious notes that's why chose her. I like the attorney very much and got a lot of information. TryingHard ... it seems as if your husband's behavior is much like my husband's… And I love the fact that you went on trips on your own how absolutely empowering that must've been. And and from Texas you are a doll :-). <br />I had told myself after I found out about the affair that I would not make a decision until I was stronger. And now I've been forced into a position where I'm going to need to make a decision even though I am not feeling strong or empowered at this time. I simply know that if my current circumstance - us being separated and him potentially in contact with the OW and I don't even know… Is causing me emotional distress that is not healthy for me. I certainly know that a divorce will also cause me stress… However at least I would know in what direction I am going, rather than living in limbo. Okay, I'm so very tired… Hugs to everyone (((. )))Melissahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15625911085419338023noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-42851374735866469472015-05-13T14:52:48.635-04:002015-05-13T14:52:48.635-04:00Thanks Elle. And that was the edited down version...Thanks Elle. And that was the edited down version!!TryingHardhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11598084690617343428noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-60763675401070067922015-05-13T13:48:54.110-04:002015-05-13T13:48:54.110-04:00Wow, TH, what a story. What an epic journey you...Wow, TH, what a story. What an epic journey you've been on. So glad you told us about it.<br /><br />Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-39797077190122354112015-05-13T13:42:11.020-04:002015-05-13T13:42:11.020-04:00Hahaha love it!!! Don't be sorry. If peace is ...Hahaha love it!!! Don't be sorry. If peace is not in your surroundings seek it. Make decisions to make change happen. I know I did ,) you can too and do it with dignity and respect. Love it- Ann from TexasAnn from Texasnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-44748122348023213512015-05-13T13:18:45.605-04:002015-05-13T13:18:45.605-04:00During that trip HE called and we chatted. He sai...During that trip HE called and we chatted. He said he was very confused. Still loved me wanted to be with me, but there was so much damage he had done. He was scared. He called me constantly and had NO idea I was in SB. Got home and he came to visit. We started talking more but it was back and forth and he was still out of the house. Started MC the first of June. Very frustrating as he was still being totally dishonest. So a couple weeks into it and I was dealing with more dishonesty and manipulation I left again middle of June and drove to my friends house in CO for a week. It was great. Went to the Food and Wine festival, walked, freaking hiked for miles BY MYSELF in the wilderness, I was scared shitless. But I really challenged myself. Came back mightier and angrier than ever. Told him I was done, over it, moving on with the divorce, had enough of his manipulations and fake words etc. LOL I blew. Drew the line in the sand. I had challenged myself and knew I could take care of myself. I was ready for the court battle, ready for anymore crap from him. Turned deaf to his words. I had a bad ass attorney who empowered me, great counselors. I was moving on and up. Matter of fact the night I got home from CO is when I told him all this and I was getting ready to go out and meet some friends who wanted to introduce me to a male friend of their's who was interested in meeting me :) I looked fantastic. I had sun, I had exercised, I had challenged myself in ways I had never challenged myself and I was ready for the fight. Next day he came back crying begging forgiveness etc. He moved back home a couple days later UGH and the end of July we went back out to CO. On the trip out there is when all the truth came out and how he had just been with the OW the day before we left for our trip!! Had been with her 3-4 times after he moved back home and swore he wasn't seeing her!! That 12 hour drive never went so fast. We hiked, and fished, and talked and talked and cried and fought and yelled. YOu name it. Anyway when we hiked he made sure to never wander too close to the end of the mountain!! <br /><br />So 4 years later here we are. We went to Paris and renewed our vows in the same church my parents were married during WWII. It's been good. He's been great but it is NOT easy. I'm almost there. Blogs like yours helps. I hope whatever knowledge this experience has given to me I can pass on to others. All I know is you cannot be a wimp. At least I couldn't and setting the boundaries and getting mad as hell is what changed the current of a very miserable existence.<br /><br />Yikes had to do this in two posts. Sorry Elle :/TryingHardhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11598084690617343428noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-8472597002154076682015-05-13T13:18:11.307-04:002015-05-13T13:18:11.307-04:00Elle,
I agree and thanks for that validation. It ...Elle,<br />I agree and thanks for that validation. It was crazy. He left the middle of March. I was in shock and despair. Didn't eat, literally, for 2 weeks, nothing. There was craziness and fights and more craziness. Every crazy episode left me back to hiding under my bed. One morning the middle of April it was like a voice that said "Get out of this town for a while". I seriously thought someone was in the room. So I started trying to decide where to go. Every place I thought of I had been with him. I had friends who offered up their vacation homes etc but I knew I had to go someplace different. Santa Barbara showed up on my FB page and I decided that's where I would go. So I booked a flight, rented a car, booked a hotel room, bought a Garmin and off I went. I landed in LA, had never been there and drove by myself to SB. Now that was harrowing, but just what I needed. I couldn't mindlessly drive a car. I HAD to concentrate on where I was driving. LOL I was so thrilled when I arrived at my destination 3 hours later. Yes, little old me drove in LA traffic with my trusty Garmin by my side!! I went out to dinner by myself, sat on the freezing beach, walked all over, went to the show, shopped, drove the Santa Ynez mountains, went to Solvang, watched the Royal wedding in my room which was quaint and cozy, I took care of me. I prayed my ass off!!! I begged for guidance. I found my own strength and fortitude and knew I could do this. <br /><br />TryingHardhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11598084690617343428noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-13794088112987925482015-05-13T12:12:41.969-04:002015-05-13T12:12:41.969-04:00Oh yes I was judged 10 times over, but that's ...Oh yes I was judged 10 times over, but that's the toxicity that I'm saying no to. I realized people judge what they are afraid of. Many times they are afraid of allowing what is right to happen in return. I on the other hand seek out what is good and pure and run to it. This brings me peace inside. So never hesitate to do what is right because of what others think. Be the leader God made you to be. Fill your heart with hope and he will lead you through the rest. My husband was a little more like Elle's. He sought out his inequities and I saw this for what it was. That's why only God in Heaven knows what went on inside us to heal us. We are working on it but it's been totally worth it. He is now my best friend again. We laugh in the middle of the night my my daughter says kids kids stop laughing and go to bed. ;) Only Love could get us to this point. - Ann from Texas Ann from Texssnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-53957640466252019362015-05-13T12:11:22.959-04:002015-05-13T12:11:22.959-04:00TryingHard,
The OW, it's safe to say, is gener...TryingHard,<br />The OW, it's safe to say, is generally not in a position to offer up an objective assessment of the marriage. So please disregard pretty much anything that comes out of her mouth as self-serving lies.<br />I'm curious about your "retreat" to CA and Colorado. That must have felt quite mind-clearing. Would love to hear more about it.Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-91478223906306014372015-05-13T11:28:47.508-04:002015-05-13T11:28:47.508-04:00Ann from Texas,
"Hell no" is my new mant...Ann from Texas,<br />"Hell no" is my new mantra. What a story. Thank-you so much for that. Glad to have you among us.Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-32923406220764673432015-05-13T10:45:09.716-04:002015-05-13T10:45:09.716-04:00Ann from Texas
Your story is compelling. I lost a...Ann from Texas<br />Your story is compelling. I lost a lot of weight and subsequent hair loss, I'm shocked I'm not bald, and the horrible anxiety that kept my heart racing day and night. I cannot believe I don't have real health implications from the physical stress I went through for 2 years as well. I have had physicals and my docs assure me I'm ok. I do have to have STD tests every two years. Charming right? Infidelity, it's the gift that just keeps giving!!<br /><br /> While I didn't relocate I did leave for California for 12 days and Colorado for a week where I hiked and really thought about my situation. I don't know if I would have actually had the nerve to completely relocate but maybe :) You're my hero for having done so and furthered your career in the process. Very impressive.<br /><br />Do you feel people were judging you for seemingly giving him an "ultimatum"? Which by the way I do not think you were. I was recently accused by a family member of holding people hostage. Did not know where that came from other than a divorce would have resulted a decimation of a family business while I would have been suing for what is legally mine. I do think some folks think if the cheater comes home and reconciles it's only because of fear of the severe financial loss incurred when dividing up assets. At least the ignorant ones do. The OW has even told people I know the reason he is back with me is for financial reasons. Well she doesn't have a camera in my home so she's in the ignorant camp. That's another story though :)<br /><br />Anyway just curious on your take. TryingHardhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11598084690617343428noreply@blogger.com