tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post4533842052146375212..comments2024-03-27T21:50:33.178-04:00Comments on Betrayed Wives' Club: Wednesday Word HugEllehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comBlogger46125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-78210297420781941512017-01-11T14:38:10.285-05:002017-01-11T14:38:10.285-05:00Re:the OW. Since 1981 I felt I was living in her s...Re:the OW. Since 1981 I felt I was living in her shadow. Last spring I spent 1 month in serious shape due to chemo reaction. The 1 thought I couldn't rid myself of was I DON'T WANT TO DIE NOT KNOWING WHAT SHE LOOKS LIKE! I took Anne Bercht's advice from her book. I made flight & hotel reservations for myself. Yes, I was planning on walking to her front door! I spent 2 months composing a letter since I didn't think she would let me say what I wanted to say before slamming the door on me. In that letter I wrote that I forgive her for me to get rid of my hate & heal from cancer. I did not forgive her for her adultery. I told her, though I was pursued by married men when I was younger, I never crossed the line like she did.(She put it in my H's head that I probably was cheating, too!) I wrote that a year ago my H found a lump in my breast (Yes, I wanted her to know that we were still intimate!) & he was my loving caregiver throughout it all. I wrote that it was I who wanted a divorce when he returned home 8/11/1981 after their "vacation" together & he begged me not to leave (She called me after & said he was only staying with me for the 3 children!). I wrote that during the years since, I went to college, got my degree & now work as a volunteer counselor (another dig, as she didn't graduate HS). With the letter 1 enclosed an article about forgiveness & cancer, 2 sayings about forgiveness I have in my office & an article about the work that must be done after an affair by the cheating spouse. Then I offered my forgiveness, if she accepts it or not, as I have a bigger foe to fight, cancer. I signed Carol, the first<br /><br />PS Not only do we share the same name but she married a man with my husbands name, too! More to come.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-33759294397895198882017-01-10T19:06:41.025-05:002017-01-10T19:06:41.025-05:00Elle that is really powerful and learning to accep...Elle that is really powerful and learning to accept that we are both very different people. And also accepting that my husband was not who I thought he was. It was hard but once I moved past that I felt stronger as an individual. It helped me along with the boundaries to be assertive in a positive way. All of this just makes my husband be more drawn to me. And in the end he is so thankful and appreciative to me. And I feel proud that I worked through the hardest thing I have faced in my life. There is something about the acceptance and moving past that is so powerful, freeing and liberating.Hopeful 30noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-51042422428323098432017-01-10T15:48:50.725-05:002017-01-10T15:48:50.725-05:00"Healing has no deadline" I love that.
..."Healing has no deadline" I love that. <br /><br />Because there is no time line for how this goes. It is different for all of us.<br /><br /><br />My journey has just begun. I can only say again thank to the BWC. You all have shown me there is hope. <br /><br />Some days I have felt like there was no hope. Others I have spent sending nasty emails and comments to the OW so she knows exactly want a slut she is.<br /><br /><br />None of this is healing.<br /><br />Today I went outside in the sunshine. Just for a bit. I sat and felt the breeze and the sun, listened to the world. A step in the right direction I think. <br /><br />Maiden of the shieldnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-6811984397236505732017-01-10T10:17:27.222-05:002017-01-10T10:17:27.222-05:00Wow. Think I'm going to have to try Insight Ti...Wow. Think I'm going to have to try Insight Timer!Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-22030556688898290052017-01-10T10:17:03.621-05:002017-01-10T10:17:03.621-05:00Wow LLP, This is great and so impactful. I can'...Wow LLP, This is great and so impactful. I can't even tell you how glad I am that the gun jammed that day. A world without you is unthinkable. I'm wondering if I could re-post this as a main blog post so that more people will see it. Would you mind? I think there's so much hope and wisdom in those few paragraphs. <br />And Lynn, I hope you know that YOU got yourself to this place. You might have had a great team of cheerleaders but YOU did the work. You opened your heart enough to let the compassion in. And you've unfailingly shared that compassion to others on this site. I suspect that might have played a role in where you are now too. Each time you stretched out your arms to pull a hurting wife into your embrace, it softened you too. We heal in community. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-84198917428188453332017-01-10T10:10:15.346-05:002017-01-10T10:10:15.346-05:00Maiden, yet again the incredible women on this sit...Maiden, yet again the incredible women on this site have given you really good responses. I know it feels like an eternity but this is still so raw for you. Lick your wounds, be gentle with yourself. Find whatever support you can, particularly a therapist who can help you navigate through all the grief and the anger. Continue to share here -- as you can see the wives on this site are smart and compassionate and so quick to share their experience with others to guide them toward healing.<br />The hardest part for me was believing that the day would come when I wouldn't be consumed by pain. In fact, I didn't believe it. I accepted that the rest of my life would be agony but that was the price I would pay to keep my kids' lives stable. I was so wrong. For one thing, I don't think anyone should sacrifice their life so they can feel like a martyr. For another, the day will come -- I guarantee it -- when this is a painful experience that colours the rest of your life but doesn't define who you are or your entire marriage. It becomes a chapter in your life, not the whole book. But that takes time and it takes a commitment to healing yourself. <br />You'll get there Maiden. In fact, I would say you're right on schedule in the way you're coping with the worst shock of your life. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-91136993735412669522017-01-10T10:04:06.352-05:002017-01-10T10:04:06.352-05:00It's sooooo frustrating to me though when some...It's sooooo frustrating to me though when someone sails along and I KNOW their treacherous hearts but everyone else seems to think they're perfectly lovely. Took me YEARS to be able to just wipe my hands of people like that. But that other old adage is true: Wanting revenge is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-40005242585142875462017-01-10T10:02:20.391-05:002017-01-10T10:02:20.391-05:00There's so much wisdom in the above responses....There's so much wisdom in the above responses. I'm particularly struck by what Theresa said. It's frustrating for those of us ruled by logic but we likely will never really understand how our husbands could have done what they did (whatever range of activities that includes). Affairs are fantasies and those involved tend to ascribe all sorts of emotions and behaviours to the other person based on, well, nothing. Delusion. Wishful thinking. An overactive imagination. Sometimes the best we can do for ourselves is accept that we'll never really get it...and that's not a barrier to our healing. It's an acknowledgement that our husbands are/were broken people. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-52164147234499024712017-01-10T09:57:26.181-05:002017-01-10T09:57:26.181-05:00Selkie, I think it gets easier as we get better at...Selkie, I think it gets easier as we get better at enforcing our boundaries and taking care of ourselves. Once that becomes "normal" to us, anything else starts to just feel wrong. Pay attention to your body's signals that something doesn't feel right. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-80580219082710277772017-01-09T12:16:05.945-05:002017-01-09T12:16:05.945-05:00LLP,
What you wrote about becoming attached to th...LLP, <br />What you wrote about becoming attached to the circumstances hit home. Thank you for putting it into words. As part of this healing, I've been trying to live in the present. It's been a struggle. The hurt and fear became sort of like a security blanket. And I guess in some way, I've chosen not to admit how much hanging onto the past is holding me back. <br />I'll re-read this post a few more times. Thank you for this!<br />Dandelionhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07422695784998995973noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-13359974752460152622017-01-09T11:58:26.476-05:002017-01-09T11:58:26.476-05:00Icequeen,
So glad you got some comfort from his an...Icequeen,<br />So glad you got some comfort from his answer. Getting those exaggerations out of your head is one way to take good care of yourself. Asking was my best way to do that most of the time. Sometimes it was exercise or therapy. Elle had an excellent post a month or so ago about considering the source of your information. Almost all the things that were invented in my brain turned out to be a very poor source of information in the beginning. Most of the time the escapades experienced by our Hs involved so much stress and shame that enjoyment was difficult to find. Some Hs tricked themselves into believing and finding some, but it involved emotional acrobatics. Affairs are not all roses, champagne, and puppies like I imagined. At first I worried about measuring up to the awesomeness of the OW. Now I am in a place where I know in my heart that if my husband ever thought any of them were better than me, he was wrong. Also, if I ever think of women as stackable and ratable by worth again, I will be wrong about that too. His affair was dark and desperate. Whatever pleasure he got was not worth it for him. I am worthy and always have been regardless of anything my husband chose or chooses in the future. (and so are you!!) Stories that enter my head about how "great" the affairs were are much easier to dismiss now because of my new knowledge and understanding about myself, my worth, and what was real (not imagined) for him. annnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-43924652506144799712017-01-09T11:27:50.786-05:002017-01-09T11:27:50.786-05:00Insight TimerInsight TimerBeach Girlnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-74828346124755956052017-01-09T11:25:04.109-05:002017-01-09T11:25:04.109-05:00Cheers lovely ladies yes that's the one .. tha...Cheers lovely ladies yes that's the one .. thanks xxAnonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14621994625215389891noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-24616038011554538592017-01-09T11:23:53.580-05:002017-01-09T11:23:53.580-05:00I second that thought Ann. Thank you LLP, for this...I second that thought Ann. Thank you LLP, for this lovely statement. I put it at the top of today's Gratitude list to remind me to keep focused on my life.Beach Girlnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-8981636330928744392017-01-09T10:49:55.487-05:002017-01-09T10:49:55.487-05:00Sam A, IDK but you can get EMDR on YouTube. I'...Sam A, IDK but you can get EMDR on YouTube. I've used it outside of my IC's office and it helps a little.Browneyedgirlnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-4296038482925538342017-01-09T10:49:09.436-05:002017-01-09T10:49:09.436-05:00Lynn Less Pain,
Thank you for sharing so much of y...Lynn Less Pain,<br />Thank you for sharing so much of yourself. In doing so you really are helping other BW heal. My CH gets a B on helping me recover and I know at some point I need to decide if I am willing to settle for anything less than an A! Browneyedgirlnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-26585572793119905302017-01-09T10:41:02.602-05:002017-01-09T10:41:02.602-05:00Maiden, I am right there with you. I have cut eve...Maiden, I am right there with you. I have cut everyone else out of my life that has hurt me. Some days my CH really shows me his remorse and his love. Other days he blurs the line of placing part of the blame on me for the marriage problems into placing part of the blame on me for the A. What he did, who he did it with, how many opportunities he had to make a different choice, who knew about it - all of it is SO ENORMOUS. It was over a decade ago. He untimately ended it and he suffered the pain & guilt but decided to keep it from me forever. Then the OW's H got angry and told me 2 months ago. So now CH wasnts me to get past it - move on - stay or go but live in the present and future. Put the past behind me since he did so long ago. I wish he would not take my desire to forgive him (still working on that) for granted and pursue me. I worry he doesn't have the patience to see me in pain for much longer. So here I am, still stuck. Staying hurts so much, leaving will hurt worse. I keep praying for him to become more of a Godly man. I think that is our only hope.Browneyedgirlnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-66492251194898633942017-01-09T10:21:19.660-05:002017-01-09T10:21:19.660-05:00Maiden,
You sound like me at 16 weeks. The questio...Maiden,<br />You sound like me at 16 weeks. The questions were terrible. The answers were terrible. I didn't think I could ever respect myself or stop feeling like a fool. I had a gut feeling that staying was the right thing to do at the time, but I couldn't figure out why I was doing it or how I would ever get over the pain and feel like myself again. Couples therapy, individual therapy, and a whole lot of running (do NOT underestimate the power of exercise to help with some of these feelings!) helped me slowly get my pieces back together although in a brand new way. I am becoming someone I'm even more proud to be than I was before. Any shame I felt in staying is gone (it was misplaced to begin with!) I am looking in the mirror and liking what I see despite anything my H chooses in the future. We are closer than we've ever been, but I also know where I end and he begins in a way I never did before. His choices are not my choices. I still have panic days, down days, days where I am not as strong as I'd like, but those are fewer and far between. You are absolutely going to be MORE than just OK. You have the potential to be more beautiful, more empathetic, more of the true you. I recently saw a quote that pointed out that in Japan, broken objects are often repaired with gold. The flaw is seen as a unique piece of the object's history, which adds to its beauty. Hard to see that when you're first broken though!annnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-41713558389447198572017-01-09T10:01:16.050-05:002017-01-09T10:01:16.050-05:00"In our culture marriage is viewed as a final..."In our culture marriage is viewed as a final destination. It is not true. It’s a middle piece, not an ending or a beginning." This is great. I saved it to my inspirational quote document I keep. I add quotes that will help me in a dark moment. This is so true and so well said! Thank you!annnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-10194658666961976262017-01-09T09:57:09.921-05:002017-01-09T09:57:09.921-05:00LLP-
Thank you so much for spelling out the desper...LLP-<br />Thank you so much for spelling out the desperation so well. I too, for the very first time in my life, entertained the idea of finding a way to end things that way in the early days after discovery. It was a horrible, empty feeling. I got as far as trying to work out the best way to do it. What would have the least impact on everyone else (my parents, my son, my friends...) I could never find a way that would not destroy someone else in the process so I hung on. I'm so glad I didn't take it any farther than that in my mind. I have so much happiness now that I would have missed out on. Even happiness in my marriage (which I felt was impossible at the time). We can't be alone in our initial reaction that life needed to be/was over, so there may be someone else struggling with those feelings right now. To them I say look at LLP and myself. We both felt that way and we're so glad to still be here! It took some work, time, and love to get here but it is possible. My life is actually better now than it was post Dday (which I would have never thought possible at the time). annnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-42533512313443234132017-01-09T03:01:51.444-05:002017-01-09T03:01:51.444-05:00Maiden,
You too are so early in this process. It ...Maiden,<br /><br />You too are so early in this process. It is really hard and I honestly paired everything back for 1 year. We spent so much time focusing on us. And I worked hard to take care of myself. <br /><br />One thing we started was picking one time a week to talk. This limited the focus for me on when to bring things up and his anxiety of wondering when it would be brought up. I would write in my journal often about what was on my mind. Before we would talk I would look over what I wrote and I would be able to see themes or questions that kept popping up. This helped us a lot.<br /><br />It was rough but I decided fairly early on that I was going to work hard since I wanted to fight for our family. I was not sure if it was realistic but I knew I had to give it a try. I questioned him a lot. With the help of this site and my therapist we established boundaries and it made the biggest difference. But this took time and they evolved. As time went on I became more firm and actually had more expectations. My husband has stepped up but it has taken a lot from both of us. I did get to a point where I decided I should have what I deserve.<br /><br />This is the hardest thing we have ever dealt with. What I did not expect was that my husband was having as hard a time as I was. I just figured since he had ended both affairs one over a year before dday that he was over it. And he had lived it all that he dealt with it. Well I was wrong. He was so focused on me getting better I would say he did not even truly start facing it all himself until 1 year past dday. That was when I really started to feel better. Now if I look back I wonder if he was not able to make himself that vulnerable when he did not know if it would work or not. It is hard to know. But he had to go through a lot but I am glad. I saw him open up like never before and that made me see how much he loved me and wanted to make it work. <br /><br />As far as being yourself I had to work on that too. For a while I felt the need to be super wife. And then I realized I had done that and been everything for the affair years and it did not stop him then. I looked great, took care of our house, took care of our kids, had a great career, I did it all really well and I was positive. In the end it is about him and his issues. My husband could not come up with one thing I did wrong or that I was the cause of his affairs. He had a million other options and he did the wrong thing. So focus on what you like to do and what makes you feel good. I think when I am in a good place I send out positive energy and it makes me feel better and better. <br /><br />Just make sure to be kind to your self. I have realized that it will always be pat of our marriage. And I have realized that it is important for us to focus on us and working on our marriage is our biggest priority long term.Hopeful 30noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-41103016957724425292017-01-08T23:10:02.301-05:002017-01-08T23:10:02.301-05:00insight timer?insight timer?MBShttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10168863416317700184noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-44270954803469751992017-01-08T22:29:18.490-05:002017-01-08T22:29:18.490-05:00Anon,
You're right. We will be fine. Some day...Anon, <br />You're right. We will be fine. Some days I see it, and some I'm too busy drowning in the pain to be able to see past it, but ultimately we will be fine. <br />For now it's a hard road to travel, but I am so grateful for the women on here who are proof that it won't always feel this difficult. <br /><br />Also, Ann, I had plenty of mind movies of all the amazing orgasms he was having with her, but I had never even thought to ask for a number. I'm so glad you mentioned it, because I did decide to ask and the answer shocked me. He said there was only once, and even that was only with the help of porn. It still hurts, but it's a small comfort to know their relationship wasn't as wonderful as it seemed. Icequeennoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-8728540562436509062017-01-08T22:07:32.932-05:002017-01-08T22:07:32.932-05:00Sam A,
I'm pretty sure it was Insight Timer. ...Sam A,<br />I'm pretty sure it was Insight Timer. I downloaded it and LOVE it. <br />Hugs!Dandelionhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07422695784998995973noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-5882488732204165382017-01-08T21:45:41.723-05:002017-01-08T21:45:41.723-05:00Icequeen,
Theresa hit on exactly what I was going ...Icequeen,<br />Theresa hit on exactly what I was going to post about in response to,your question about emotional attachment. Affairs are built on fantasy and lies and many people involved are able to compartmentalize their real life and the affair fantasy. This was very difficult for me to process early on. Now, at about 2 years out, I can understand the concept although I can't say it makes sense. I'm not sure it makes sense to anyone but those who have actually been involved in an affair.<br />It sounds like you're processing your thoughts with a great deal of clarity for only being 3 months on.<br />Hugs!<br />Dandelionhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07422695784998995973noreply@blogger.com