tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post5591295105775862225..comments2024-03-28T19:25:37.448-04:00Comments on Betrayed Wives' Club: Here's How to Really Respond When a Friend's Spouse is CheatingEllehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comBlogger33125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-51135156889884231292015-11-24T14:55:26.338-05:002015-11-24T14:55:26.338-05:00Pippi,
I'm so glad you're back in school p...Pippi,<br />I'm so glad you're back in school preparing for an exciting future, whether he's in it or not. And so glad you checked back in, even briefly. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-50892971054173329562015-11-24T06:20:27.281-05:002015-11-24T06:20:27.281-05:00Thank you Elle so much for standing up for all of ...Thank you Elle so much for standing up for all of us!!!! If only someone had that compassion for me.... However, a make co-worker of mine that is much older than I mentioned a year before I found out that he strongly feels I should consider looking into the chance. When I asked why he stated that he had friends who had and my husband's behaviors resembled theirs... Fast forward a year later when I found out the truth I asked him how he knew... He told me my husband wasn't kind to me and caring. It was shocking to him because he said I'm so kind to him and everybody loved me. So to this day I call him friend #1. I tell him because he was the only person in the world who had the strength to tell me the truth. So there is a piece of my heart that is forever grateful to my friend. When I went on my "self-imposed sabbatical of healing," I reflected on that conversation the day he mentioned I should look into the possibility. I remembered how hurt I was he would imply such a thing, but now it's completely replaced with gratitude and love for the person who loved me enough to tell me. Love you girls!!! It's been tough lately I'm so far along in my journey and it pains me to see more people,even Gwen Stefani as talented and beautiful as she is," betrayed. - Ann from TexasAnn from Texasnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-6982206104945212982015-11-23T13:46:12.049-05:002015-11-23T13:46:12.049-05:00The reason I suggest letting the other spouse know...The reason I suggest letting the other spouse know is because I would want him to tell me. We all deserve to know that our sexual health is being compromised, that our financial security is being compromised and that our emotional safety isn't there. It's not easy, I know. But I hope you'll think about it.Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-87617204047702839482015-11-23T13:44:35.177-05:002015-11-23T13:44:35.177-05:00Woo hoo, CheylRN. You're a warrior.Woo hoo, CheylRN. You're a warrior.Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-62722895527299864052015-11-22T08:28:47.692-05:002015-11-22T08:28:47.692-05:00Hello, Elle! Your remembering me warmed my heart ...Hello, Elle! Your remembering me warmed my heart . . . deeply. Thank you. <br /><br />I'm ok, coming up on five years from Dday and still married. Things are better (the drinking) and worse (the connection) with good days and bad. I still feel deeply broken by my husband's affair but am committed to keeping my family together until my children are older . . . most days. However, I have gone back to school to earn a Master's degree in preparation for whatever I might decide to do in the future.<br /><br />It's wonderful you are still providing your insightful words of healing and common sense to the betrayed. It is healing and hard to drop by and read them . . . like so much of this experience -- trying to move on is so nuanced and nothing ever appears black or white again.Pippinoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-60461586070793711632015-11-20T05:43:59.524-05:002015-11-20T05:43:59.524-05:00Thank you Iris, Denise, Out Of The Ashes, and MBS....Thank you Iris, Denise, Out Of The Ashes, and MBS. I really appreciate your amazing kind words. It has been a long time since I've felt courageous. I try my best to have compassion as I know what it feels like to be brought to my knees with hurt and pain. I wish I could say I feel compassion for this woman for being so obviously broken and heartless. I would be lying if I said I did. My heart was truly broken for her husband. Wishing peace and healing to all who meet here. Thank you again ladies for the words of encouragement.CheylRNhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06982058781998565054noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-88474649420343192782015-11-20T05:00:30.137-05:002015-11-20T05:00:30.137-05:00Brava Valkyrie!! It's always worth rememberin...Brava Valkyrie!! It's always worth remembering, cheating says nothing about us, it says a ton about them.Steamnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-29600021833045503622015-11-19T12:37:55.474-05:002015-11-19T12:37:55.474-05:00MBS and Anonymous, thank you for your comments and...MBS and Anonymous, thank you for your comments and those are good points, I do wish it would have spurred him to tell me sooner and/or that she had given him a deadline. In my case, I was studying for an intensive licensing exam for work, so my husband wanted to wait until after I was finished. Unfortunately for all of us, the very next day after I failed (because trying to study for something like that and deal with what I thought was my husband's emotional betrayal was beyond my capabilities), the OW's friend posted a picture of the OW gushing about her pregnancy, so I found out via Facebook while I was out shopping with my son instead of my husband, friend, etc., telling me. Neither of them had any control over that, so I don't hold it against them. Looking back, I'm not sure how any of it could have worked differently, I guess maybe there's times I wished she would have said something along the lines of "I've been hearing things, I think you need to talk with him further" or something to that effect, but it should have come from my husband, so you are right about that. Thanks for your input ladies, I didn't realize how much I've come to rely on this site until I didn't have a chance to check in for a couple of days. Out of the Ashesnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-76569881691750760322015-11-19T12:11:52.337-05:002015-11-19T12:11:52.337-05:00Cactus Flower, I don't think you're an out...Cactus Flower, I don't think you're an outsider. I'm in your shoes, my husband is a porn addict (in recovery), so it wasn't an affair with anyone he cared about, it was hundreds of other women in images, a few he chatted with online, and one he met with in real life. Betrayal is betrayal. I've sometimes tried to comfort myself that at least it wasn't someone he was in love with. And while that is in a way easier for me, it's still hard. I told my husband that I felt like I got a double whammy--not only did I find out he cheated on me, but I found out he was an addict as well and had been living a double life since the beginning of our relationship. Finding out even one of those things is hard enough, but both at the same time? Ouch!!!<br /><br />I think we have to remember not to invalidate ourselves. Being betrayed hurts, no matter the degree. And saying that someone doesn't have the right to be upset because someone else has it worse is like saying someone doesn't have the right to be happy because someone else has it better. It's nonsensical. You feel how you feel, and that's okay. Pain is not a contest.<br /><br />Hugs!Geenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-23257677223095670802015-11-19T09:48:36.745-05:002015-11-19T09:48:36.745-05:00Cheryl, you're amazing. I wish there were more...Cheryl, you're amazing. I wish there were more people with your moral courage and compassion xIrisnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-89710452543003846262015-11-19T09:45:24.807-05:002015-11-19T09:45:24.807-05:00echoed.. Kudos, Elle, for writing the letter. I ho...echoed.. Kudos, Elle, for writing the letter. I hope she revisits her advice SOON..Irisnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-14856658545770755462015-11-19T06:21:09.421-05:002015-11-19T06:21:09.421-05:00Thanks so much for your kind words ladies. I didn&...Thanks so much for your kind words ladies. I didn't have a doubt about doing it when I did, Later I was so sad to have given him such devastating news. In the end I still believe it was the right thing to do and you are right, I didn't break his heart, his wife and my husband did. I later sat down and met with her, about three months after D day. It was clear to me then that she was a souless creature that had no concern or even any concept of the damage she had done. I was then very sure that I had done the right thing. Her first affair was with a neighbor, her husband told me this the morning I went to tell him. The other family had children who were friends with this OW children and they were friends as couples. The other couple ended up divorcing destroying their family. As long as I live I will never understand how a woman can live with herself after infilicting such pain and to turn around and do it again. Souless indeed.CheylRNhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06982058781998565054noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-88973833282367287922015-11-18T21:23:52.156-05:002015-11-18T21:23:52.156-05:00Valkyrie
You said it so right! It's all on my ...Valkyrie<br />You said it so right! It's all on my husband his choices and it never was about me! That is so true about each and everyone on this blog! When we come to understand that, I believe healing begins!Theresahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11767712425596090138noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-47569818731543869712015-11-18T19:21:03.545-05:002015-11-18T19:21:03.545-05:00Lovely Cactus flower,
For me.....You are no outsi...Lovely Cactus flower,<br /><br />For me.....You are no outsider here you have been betrayed just like me. (My husband had a long term (married) second wife at work). And even if there wasn't one OW but dozens, thousands of impersonal emotional/sexual encounters....or what ever situation, betrayal is betrayal and we are all connected by that outrage and agony. That is why I would never in a million years condemn or judge another betrayed persons choices. It always saddens me when lines are drawn around infidelity, when it appears to cause such universal pain.<br /><br />You also touched on something else all of us are connected through experiencing someone's dishonesty, deception, secrets, lies - we have been deceived and have that in common - betrayal<br /><br />Those who 'knowingly cheat with other people's partners,' in committed relationships and marriages have theft and cowardice in common. Including 'sex workers,' who deny betraying their own gender. <br /><br />One of my Hero's told me that sometimes she see's people whispering about her (who know about her Cheating Husband) and says it makes her walk even taller, as she passes past them while looking squarely into their eyes.<br /><br />She say's "It's because I know it's on my husband, it's not at ALL about me."<br /> <br />Valkyriehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02185442228341503805noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-41518207799628044712015-11-18T18:52:54.723-05:002015-11-18T18:52:54.723-05:00CF,
I too have many others in my husband's pas...CF,<br />I too have many others in my husband's past and it took me a couple of years to completely get past my discomfort that there were many people out there who "knew" me but who I didn't know. Sometimes when a stranger caught my eye or looked at me directly, I would wonder... To be honest, though, I haven't really thought about it in years.Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-92212808706224404542015-11-18T18:44:14.009-05:002015-11-18T18:44:14.009-05:00Pippi! You're back!! How have you been?
Great...Pippi! You're back!! How have you been? <br />Great idea, V, but I suspect Pippi is right re. the anonymity contributing, for some, to trauma. I can imagine wondering:Was it her? Or him? Just who knows? And the compassion we can extend by simply saying "I am so sorry..." can be incredibly validating and healing.Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-23236976725259550542015-11-18T10:30:12.767-05:002015-11-18T10:30:12.767-05:00I received an anonymous letter. For me the anonymi...I received an anonymous letter. For me the anonymity was very much part of the trauma. I believe people should show true courage and compassion by telling the betrayed spouse with FULL DISCLOSURE as to their identity. <br /><br />The anonymity, in my opinion, supports the shame/ridicule feelings by keeping it all hidden. I understand people wanting to protect themselves from an acting-out-making-bad-choices-cheating-spouse but first and foremost the victim of the emotional violence should be protected. <br /><br />In my fantasy world do over, one of the many, many women who knew of my husband's affair would have called me on the phone and compassionately told me the truth of my life. I would have protected her identity to my death for the humanity she extended me.Pippinoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-79999833634332960512015-11-17T20:15:06.754-05:002015-11-17T20:15:06.754-05:00I agree with your comment. In my situation, when m...I agree with your comment. In my situation, when my friend confirmed that my H was having an affair, she confronted him and told him that if he didn't tell me by the end of the day, she would tell me herself. He begged her to give him more time to talk to a therapist to find out the best way to tell me, but she told him no, that she couldn't keep it from me. She couldn't see me and not tell me, that he had to tell me by that night. I was devastated,of course, but I believe it would have been worse if I had heard it from her or someone else. He came clean and even told me that he wished he was coming clean on his own accord but that my friend had found out and forced his hand. Who knows how much longer it would have gone on if she hadn't found out and pushed him to tell me. He had wanted to end it but couldn't find the courage. My friend finding out was the push he needed. And I am grateful to her every day. It was definitely better finding out from my H. Unfortunately for my girlfriend the reason she knew this was because her partner cheated on her and she found out from a friend. Ironically, he moved out and moved into the same building as my H's OW, which is how my H got caught. Did Fate step in or was it dumb luck that my friends ex moved to the same building and they saw him?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-57631820307751925702015-11-17T14:26:51.180-05:002015-11-17T14:26:51.180-05:00Out of the Ashes,
I am so sorry that your story ha...Out of the Ashes,<br />I am so sorry that your story has unfolded that way. But I honestly feel that telling your husband to tell you himself is a legitimate and respectful way to not take a blind eye. She might have said, "if you don't tell her by friday, I will tell her myself." I think it sometimes helps to have the confession come from the betrayer if at all possible. It allows him to take responsibility and fully experience the discomfort of looking you in the face as he reveals his behavior. The thing with affairs is that someone else is always to first to know, you are always the one in the dark, and you will be humiliated no matter what. Its a given, no matter what. I hope this point helps to soften the humilation just a bit.MBShttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10168863416317700184noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-47191801537979574802015-11-17T14:19:03.635-05:002015-11-17T14:19:03.635-05:00that's a great perspective Denise. I agree.that's a great perspective Denise. I agree. MBShttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10168863416317700184noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-4079282326678764502015-11-17T11:04:42.067-05:002015-11-17T11:04:42.067-05:00If anyone of the people the ow and my h knew would...If anyone of the people the ow and my h knew would have let me know about it I could have saved my h and me the extra 18 months of hell she put both of us through! She made sure the two people he worked with knew and neither have said anything to him or me! Looking back I understand why they seemed so nervous when they first met me! lol I'm just glad that part of the nightmare is over! Hugs!Theresahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11767712425596090138noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-17166203903336020882015-11-17T10:33:55.683-05:002015-11-17T10:33:55.683-05:00CheyIRN, stories like yours keep me from seeking r...CheyIRN, stories like yours keep me from seeking revenge. No kidding. I find that reading posts from other women who have the courage to confront these kinds of issues head on in a mature, healthy manner empower me to dismiss those budding fantasies about mass destruction and public humiliation. I can't explain it, but there you have it. Thank you.Denisehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10915572793316789254noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-78072951042540877162015-11-17T10:18:08.610-05:002015-11-17T10:18:08.610-05:00Cheryl, good for you. I absolutely believe you di...Cheryl, good for you. I absolutely believe you did the right thing in going to him. You absolutely didn't break his heart, the reality of his wife did.Out of the Ashesnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-70401080339871217672015-11-17T10:15:52.871-05:002015-11-17T10:15:52.871-05:00Oh Elle, nail on the head. Your response was perf...Oh Elle, nail on the head. Your response was perfect and I love that you state its the right thing to do, just not the easy thing. What a society we live in that so many others would rather take the easy way and not "butt in" as opposed to being honest. For so much time, I've wanted to just stay at home and lick my wounds because I don't know who knows and who doesn't (which will all be a moot point if this baby is his). My husband told no one about his affair, save his best friend who happened to stop by his shop when the OW was there, and he didn't know how deep it was. I'm not surprised that he didn't tell me, but apparently the OW is good friends with someone I considered a decent friend/acquaintance, my old hairdresser, who I also used to teach dance with. Here I am on Facebook gushing how grateful I am for my life and my husband and family... no wonder she's not liking my statuses or pictures... She was still cutting my husband's hair at the time and all she ever said to him (because while my husband didn't tell anyone, the OW told ALL of her friends, she was so certain he was leaving me for her) was "you should really tell your wife". Um yeah, but since that wasn't happening during the eight months, couldn't you anonymously do it? It frustrates me that in this culture of cheating, no one looks at the anatomy of an affair. Everyone that knew just assumed he would leave me, that if he cheated, there must be something wrong with me, not him (something that I still struggle with in my heart, but logically know the opposite is true). When I did confront the OW, she kept saying how the two mutual friends always told her how nice I am. Well, isn't that sweet of them?!? Did they by chance tell you I obviously had no clue and thought life was great? Or that maybe you shouldn't be pursuing a married man (not taking any responsibility off of him). UGH.<br />The hardest for me, and I imagine for everyone, is when it is someone close. My very close friend, the very first one I went to when my husband initially told me, found out the OW was pregnant about a month before I did. My husband refused to admit to her that it could be his, but she kept pressuring him to tell me just because obviously my head would go there. She texted him every few days to tell me. When again, she was the first one I went to when I found out about the pregnancy, her first words were "so he finally told you, I've been telling him to". It was almost like a double betrayal, the pieces of my heart sank, she was so "know it all" about it. Whether she felt that it was her place or his place does not matter, what I know is that for a month, I was telling her the details of our life and our reconciliation and all the while she knew there was another shoe that was going to drop, which was humiliating to say the least and has greatly damaged our friendship. <br />I so wish we could change the cultural perception of cheating and talk about the very real damage betrayal does to a person.Out of the Ashesnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-26258207952596681772015-11-17T10:10:34.823-05:002015-11-17T10:10:34.823-05:00Elle - Thanks for the great post. My H insists, t...Elle - Thanks for the great post. My H insists, to this day - no one knows or knew of his affair. Really - no one saw you steal away lunch for 2-3 hours (because they were at a hotel), your co-workers didn't see you with her.....didn't read your body language or the way you both looked at each other - interacted with each other. SURE. Out of town trips that OW just happened to be in the same town at the same time....no one suspected when you couldn't have dinner with your colleagues (because you were with OW). Oh and best of all - they only spent one WHOLE night together in the same hotel room the entire 18 years they were together. I am not DUMB.<br />The OW's H does not know about the affair - I am not going to tell OW's H. OW can just live in fear for the rest of her miserable life for all I care....just waiting for the other foot to drop.Anonymous 1998https://www.blogger.com/profile/09391299480227894025noreply@blogger.com