tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post5676010304389569722..comments2024-03-27T21:50:33.178-04:00Comments on Betrayed Wives' Club: What does healing look like?Ellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comBlogger39125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-56238949837109856642021-07-04T14:20:14.523-04:002021-07-04T14:20:14.523-04:00Reading these old posts as I am struggling with fe...Reading these old posts as I am struggling with feeling like I am healing. I'm not even 2 mos out from D-Day but i am a high achiever and perfectionist and want to fast track this. Yet I know in my head that I can't. And pity party? Oh that is where I seem to be living these days. I can't stop going back in time - not to the day I chose to marry him, I would do that again, but to the day 15 mos ago when they had their one time encounter (in his words awkward and unsatisfying for him as he lost his erection) to say "please don't go, please don't do this. I'm here, right here and I see your pain and depression and want to reconnect". He never loved her it, it was a friend and he was depressed and desperate to feel something different. The novelty/excitement lasted a few days or week and then the guilt and regret and remorse set in and they decided to not do that again and just stay friends - which they did for 14 mos before I discovered everything in the trickle of truth phenomenon. So I just want to go back 15 or maybe 17 or 20 months and pay attention and get us back on track. That's all it would take. And I can't help thinking if I did this or that he did this or that, we could have healed without this terrible life-altering pain. I was starting to do my work and we were getting to a great place when I suspected something and found all the texts. I hate that he couldn't tell me. Even when I confronted him I had to say it out loud so he knew what I was talking about. And I am sorry but I will never, ever be grateful for any of this. I just can't. I hope I can accept it and heal myself and maybe in a couple of years I will forgive him (he is doing all the right things, doing the real work he needs to do) but I can't ever imagine gratitude is part of this picture. Acceptance maybe, gratitude never. I will heal and become stronger in spite of but not because of this awful torture and pain. At least that's where I am today, and don't see that changing.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-1759342536547084562018-07-18T12:25:27.743-04:002018-07-18T12:25:27.743-04:00I find myself drawn to these older posts. And rea...I find myself drawn to these older posts. And reading the comments and seeing familiar names and knowing that years later their story is X ... it's both reassuring and heart breaking. Reassuring because ALL of them are thriving in their own way. Heart breaking because some have come to a path in their road that they didn't see here in 2015 but are still trudging down the road.<br /><br />Elle - I've said it a million times ... THANK YOU for this forum to come to. Thank you for giving a place for voices to be heard. For a place to sit and feel like finally someone understands. Thank you for providing hope in the darkness.<br /><br />And yes - Healing feels like all of those things. Thank you for being that amazing "big sister" who isn't afraid to tell us this ... but also to gently prod us to let go of our assumptions and to get out of the comfort of the pity party that we sometimes stay to long in.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-41287615123766123942015-09-15T13:46:26.325-04:002015-09-15T13:46:26.325-04:00It has been 2.5 years since D-day. Yes it does get...It has been 2.5 years since D-day. Yes it does get easier and we have a much better marriage now. My concern is if I will ever be able to trust him 100% again. If not, can I live the rest of my life like that?Pink Shoeshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06120380068756906234noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-89231128850838607722015-08-13T08:00:47.936-04:002015-08-13T08:00:47.936-04:00Atti,
I am new to this site. My D-day was June 2...Atti, <br /> I am new to this site. My D-day was June 28th. What you wrote here is the first time in all the reading that I have done that I have felt like "finally , this is exactly how I feel!" <br />Some days I feel more like I'm stuck on a one way road full of detours, and end up hopelessly lost. Other days I can see way down at the end of the road, if I squint my eyes really hard, that the sun is shining. <br />I just wish that I'd stop falling into the potholes! <br />Thank you for a wonderful analogy, and making the sun shine for me this morningAnonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09680319996657904405noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-66942046187528638342015-08-11T12:25:15.011-04:002015-08-11T12:25:15.011-04:00I tried to post this before, and I don't think...I tried to post this before, and I don't think it went through. My apologies if you end up with a double post.<br /><br />Thanks ladies. I know if I have to stop playing the "what if?" game with myself, it keeps me stuck. In fact, it's one of the biggest things I worked on with my counsellor. I honestly realized the one decision I could have made when I was 16 that would have changed everything (this was long before I met my husband). But you know what? Now that I've figured that out, what difference does it make? I have no way to go back and change it now. Although in a strange way, figuring out that crucial moment gave me some sense of closure about the whole thing. <br /><br />Emotions are so complex. It's weird to love him so much and at the same time regret that I ever met him.<br /><br />At any rate, this is my life now, and I feel like there is something in my marriage worth saving, I guess I just have to hold on to that. Just keep swimming, just keep swimming...<br /><br />~GeeAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-47164421610481631122015-07-29T13:59:05.583-04:002015-07-29T13:59:05.583-04:00Anonymous,
It's really hard to get through whe...Anonymous,<br />It's really hard to get through when no one knows. I felt like I was living a lie... every single day. I told my aunt, who lives in another state, immediately, but those who saw me on a day to day basis had no clue. Fortunately, we were already in therapy and I could speak openly there. Eventually, I broke down and told a friend/co-worker.<br />But this site has been an amazing outlet for me and, aside from theraoy, a great source of support. No judgement here, just people who have been down this road or are just now finding themselves on the road. Having a safe place to vent has been huge for me. <br />Hoping for some relief for you. Hugs!Dandelionnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-71527526165275886842015-07-29T11:08:41.749-04:002015-07-29T11:08:41.749-04:00Good perspective hearing your struggles im having ...Good perspective hearing your struggles im having very emotional day today. Taking evetything in me to not cry at my desk at work ... no one knows . My heart aches for all your trials and its helpful to learn from all you girls.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-14858406900485452292015-07-28T22:48:41.103-04:002015-07-28T22:48:41.103-04:00I so feel your pain! Both of you! I did not lose m...I so feel your pain! Both of you! I did not lose my mother while this mess has been happening. I lost my sister. My first BFF! I didn't have time to grieve my loss of her when I had to deal with the loss of my marriage! They happend within a month of each other! I pulled myself up by my bootstraps to get my aged mother through the toughest loss of her life! She has lost already all of her closest relatives her siblings, her parents her spouse! But to lose a child is a pain that surpassed the pain that my spouse hit me with when I learned of this mess! So if all the pain I have seen this year, I can do this ad it was not my choosing! I can get through this too!Theresahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11767712425596090138noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-82867498952779246482015-07-28T19:30:25.617-04:002015-07-28T19:30:25.617-04:00Gee
I am almost 2 years out & for a long time...Gee<br /><br />I am almost 2 years out & for a long time I imagined what I would tell myself if I were Peggy sue went back in time and had the opportunity not to marry my husband. Many times I thought I shouldn't have. If I had married someone else I wouldn't have had my 2 great kids but I prob would have had other great kids. However, if I had married someone else there is no guarantee HE wouldn't have cheated. As a matter of fact the statistics say he prob would have, given the fact that 50-70% of men cheat. <br /><br />There are no guarantees. knowing the outcome of how close we are now, at this point I prob still would have married him.<br /><br />Samnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-40605931706078493372015-07-28T15:17:38.385-04:002015-07-28T15:17:38.385-04:00Gee, thank you for putting into words the thought ...Gee, thank you for putting into words the thought Ive been longing to say out loud. We labor over hypotheticals, don't we? If I had it all to do over again, I wouldn't. We're working hard to fix this big sordid, evil mess he made, but I wouldn't choose this. Absolutely not. For whatever reason, Ive found voicing my pain aloud gives me some measure of relief. We meet with the marriage counselor tomorrow. Maybe I'll get this off my chest. It will hurt him to hear it, I'm sure, but I'm ok with that. Denisehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10915572793316789254noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-69899804351563256172015-07-28T14:34:08.636-04:002015-07-28T14:34:08.636-04:00Thank you, Elle. I am sorry for your loss, as well...Thank you, Elle. I am sorry for your loss, as well. My mom will have been gone 12 years in November. I miss her all the time! <br />Realizing that healing takes time and I've got to experience the pain to get through it. It's tough work, but I'm still standing. :-)Dandelionnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-34295513533680955442015-07-28T13:49:55.943-04:002015-07-28T13:49:55.943-04:00Hey Melissa, I'm here for you!
It's tou...Hey Melissa, I'm here for you! <br /><br />It's tough when they go away after Dday, I don't think I will ever have the blind faith I had before this, and I've told my H that this is the price of his fling. He understands, or says he does.<br /><br />I've purposely not been on here or any other sites as I wanted to "think my own thoughts" for a while. I'm trying to decide how I feel about the future, and sometimes reading other people's pain makes me question whether hiding and becoming a hermit wouldn't save me from ever being hurt again!!<br /><br />You will spend a great deal of his time away in knots...I know I did. The solution was to keep busy busy busy. I nearly exhausted myself, but it was worth it just to stop my brain from going into meltdown.<br /><br />I feel for you - I hope it goes well xxClovernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-729438530681611992015-07-28T12:10:44.599-04:002015-07-28T12:10:44.599-04:00Dandelion,
My mom passed away just weeks after my ...Dandelion,<br />My mom passed away just weeks after my second D-Day (where I found out the WHOLE story). So my grief at losing her is tied up in my grief of losing the marriage I thought I had. It's hard to me to separate the two.<br />But, like you, I want to be my usual overachieving self and fast-track this whole healing stuff. <br />We can't.<br />And that's been a lesson I needed to learn. That you can't "think" or "earn" your way through this. You simply have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. You have to pause and sit with the pain when it arrives -- to pay attention to it and feel it. And the days also come when you can smile at some great memory but that's just as true as the loss. <br />I'm sorry for the loss of your mom. Mine passed away eight years ago this month and I still miss her all the time. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-58899617296352424732015-07-28T12:06:33.978-04:002015-07-28T12:06:33.978-04:00Gee,
I think it's a bit of a fool's game t...Gee,<br />I think it's a bit of a fool's game to try and imagine a different life. If I had walked the other way, I might have married some guy who got us in a car accident and killed our whole family, for instance. It becomes a "who knows?" what would have happened.<br />If I had walked the other way, I wouldn't have my three incredible children. What would life be if we could see our futures? Not sure I want to know. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-87223344295005595652015-07-28T12:03:49.294-04:002015-07-28T12:03:49.294-04:00Gee,
It's not a straight trajectory. It's ...Gee,<br />It's not a straight trajectory. It's ups and downs and spirals and recoveries. Pay attention to the fact that thing are improving. Because if they can improve even a little bit, that means they can improve a little bit more. And then a bit more. When you have a bad day or two, just trust that you're re-processing some more of the pain and that it won't last. You'll get there, Gee.Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-68837501324582242502015-07-28T12:02:10.272-04:002015-07-28T12:02:10.272-04:00How are you, SS?How are you, SS?Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-5222601880526668832015-07-28T12:01:55.769-04:002015-07-28T12:01:55.769-04:00Rose,
It's almost impossible to explain, isn&#...Rose,<br />It's almost impossible to explain, isn't it? I wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemy...and yet, like you, I've now got a life that feels so much better for the storms we've survived. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-41704066301750221672015-07-28T12:00:40.479-04:002015-07-28T12:00:40.479-04:00Melissa,
That's not unlike what my parents sai...Melissa,<br />That's not unlike what my parents said to my husband. My husband was terrified of seeing them post D-Day and my mother arrived at the door and when he opened it, she hugged him. My father gave him the "everyone's entitled to one mistake, only a fool makes more than one" speech (which I didn't entirely agree but, oh well). My husband was stunned. He'd been raised in a family in which nobody was allowed to screw up or they were completely shunned. One of those families in which this person doesn't talk to that person who still isn't talking to someone else. The result, from what I can see, isn't a family in which nobody screws up but instead a family with severe problems that nobody talks about. <br />I'm glad your husband is disappointed in himself. If he can hold on to the belief that he doesn't have to be defined by his mistake but can, instead, redeem himself, then he's on his way toward a more honest life.Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-28812479516829308992015-07-28T10:57:58.710-04:002015-07-28T10:57:58.710-04:00Thanks so much, Ann! That gives me hope.
~GeeThanks so much, Ann! That gives me hope.<br /><br />~GeeAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-62177697240107044732015-07-27T14:36:14.942-04:002015-07-27T14:36:14.942-04:00I have to keep reminding myself that I AM healing....I have to keep reminding myself that I AM healing. It's typical of me to just want to rush through the uncomfortable part. I experienced the same thing when my mom passed away and I think it took me years to really acknowledge my grief as a result of that. I just wanted the pain to stop and I focused on taking care of everyone else rather than taking care of myself. I didn't acknowledge how much her loss impacted me.<br />And the pain I'm experiencing now is a lot like what I went through when my mom passed away. I told my husband just that this morning. I was trying to give him an example of what it feels like. I remember waking up the morning after my mom passed and thinking it was just a bad dream only to get snapped back into the reality that she was gone. And then a week later, I just wanted to pick up the phone and call her and it would hit me all over again that she wasn't there. And even months after, I would want to share something and the permanence of her death would hit me like a ton of bricks. My husband's infidelity is a lot like that. Our marriage will never be exactly what it was. We can't go back and undo what he did and I will have days where the reality of his affair knocks me backwards a bit. I will have to learn to accept that fact, put myself back on course, and keep moving forward. Because unlike a death, he and I do have the opportunity for a second chance at our marriage, a chance to make it better and stronger. And unlike the old me, I'm facing the pain head on. So while it hurt (sometimes more than I think I can bear) I know I'm acknowledging it and hopefully making something positive out if it.Dandelionnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-57347517014539529572015-07-27T14:24:14.440-04:002015-07-27T14:24:14.440-04:00Gee you have asked a great question. I'm almos...Gee you have asked a great question. I'm almost 2 1/2 years out and just recently like the last 2 months have I gotten to where I don't feel like going back in time and "running". I'm so relieved you said that because I've said the exact same thing in my mind time and again, but only verbalized it to my parents and one friend. So your thoughts are actually something that makes me feel so much better inside. Do your answer is yes. You do kiss that thought goodbye eventually. One day two months ago while I was talking with my 19 year old son it hit me that I didn't want to go back to the day I met my husband and just walk the other way. Just because I was so hurt many times over didn't mean I want to give up all my precious memories for good. It's my life and the only things that define it are what I allow. Love you girls - Ann from TexasAnn from Texasnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-7450354162975675402015-07-27T12:05:32.917-04:002015-07-27T12:05:32.917-04:00A question that's been weighing on my mind: la...A question that's been weighing on my mind: ladies who are further down the road of healing than I am (it's been 13 months since D-day), do you ever get to a point where, if you had to make the choice all over again, you'd still marry him? Do you have to come to that point to be successful in healing? Or is it possible to be happy and healing and still have that regret?<br /><br />I ask because there's a big part of me that says if I could go back and relive my life, I would have run like hell the other way. If I'd have known the pain he was going to bring into my life, I wouldn't have married him. Is it possible to be healing and still feel that way? Or do you have to get to the point where you think it was all worth it, and that if you had to make the choice again, you'd still choose to be with him?<br /><br />Thanks in advance for sharing your thoughts.<br /><br />~GeeAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-8957617938866214302015-07-27T11:53:02.108-04:002015-07-27T11:53:02.108-04:00I think I've been driving myself nuts because ...I think I've been driving myself nuts because all the painful stuff is still in there (not to the degree that it was in the beginning, but still there) and I feel like that means I'm failing. But you're right, I'm healing.<br /><br />I needed to read this today. Thank you.<br /><br />~GeeAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-87789046089453603442015-07-26T11:54:18.917-04:002015-07-26T11:54:18.917-04:00Yes the road gets bumpy, but I am in to the end of...Yes the road gets bumpy, but I am in to the end of this road no matter how many 'potholes' of doubt, anxiety, and what if pop up on the way! Melissa, I understand how you feel about h taking a 'boy trip'. My h went to play golf for four days right during the time ow was stalking us! I was safe from her as I stayed at our lake house and had grand baby time! I still struggle when he makes 'out of town trips' for work! I do know his mind is in a better place that when it was before!Theresahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11767712425596090138noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-33970355287908352172015-07-26T07:49:03.117-04:002015-07-26T07:49:03.117-04:00Melissa
how very very hard anxiety stricken for su...Melissa<br />how very very hard anxiety stricken for sure! Im currently in no position to talk .. see my post under word hug .... but it seems like u can lean on ur mom ... do it ... excercise if you can ... walk sun on ur face ... long showers ... maybe a manicure or dinner out while hes away ... or 2 weeks to try and process more lay low movies in bed order pizza or ceral for breakfast cause u can. I feel for you .... i think its so cool you both do these family trip... bucket list w parents! Xo sweetie<br /><br />Ps anxiety is said it cant kill us only feels that way!!! Hope thats true.<br /><br />Overwhelmed xoAnonymousnoreply@blogger.com