tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post6246361498799126033..comments2024-03-17T12:13:33.772-04:00Comments on Betrayed Wives' Club: Marital Magic Bullet?: Experts Propose That Cheating Can "Save" a MarriageEllehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comBlogger56125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-57355766941283429602016-11-13T02:18:20.632-05:002016-11-13T02:18:20.632-05:00Hi,
I found out about my husband's infidelity...Hi,<br /><br />I found out about my husband's infidelity on Christmas eve two years ago 3 days later I found out I was pregnant. We had only been married for a year. Two years later I feel exhausted nothing is getting better and I can't get my life together I'm a stay at home mom and have no support outside of him. Lately I've been thinking of just ending it all and taking my daughter with me.<br /><br />I'm really tired, there are no women's shelters in South Africa and so I have nowhere to go to. My family isn't helpful. I'm just tiredAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-40574673270834341972015-07-08T09:50:56.050-04:002015-07-08T09:50:56.050-04:00You are in an abusive relationship. I think you kn...You are in an abusive relationship. I think you know that. I think you wish it was different but wishing something was different doesn't make it so. You need to see a lawyer and get clear on your rights. A husband can't take a child away from his mother because the mother has suffered post-partum depression. That's simply not true. It sounds as if he controls you through threats and intimidation. I'm unclear when you say you "took a fairly good beatdown)" whether you're talking physical violence or emotional violence. <br />Sweetheart, this is incredibly unhealthy for you and your child. He has shown you repeatedly that he won't stop, despite promising he will. He has shown you repeatedly that what he wants is more important than you what you need. How much more do you need to know?<br />Please...see a lawyer just to get clear on your rights. And then get yourself to a counsellor to help you through this. I think you should leave him (and I think you should tell the husband of the Other Woman he was texting) but I suspect you'll ignore that advice.<br />So, at the very least, find a counsellor -- someone who can build up your emotional strength. You need to develop really strong boundaries around what you will and will not tolerate. It's the only possible way for you to find any happiness. <br />I wish you strength and determination to get your life back. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-19573439007214635412015-07-05T13:38:53.342-04:002015-07-05T13:38:53.342-04:00I also have had 4 d-days I know that in its self i...I also have had 4 d-days I know that in its self is crazy. The first while we were dating there was some sexton exchanged between my husband and another woman it supposidly lasted for a month then he called it quit I guess he was tired of it because when it quit i found out quick through the grapevine. He lied for 4 months about it and said it wasn't true then at the worst time a day after I had surgery I found out it was true he asked for forgiveness and I gave it and it will never happen again....so here I am today about 5 and a half years later and he did it 3 more times. The second d-day was June 18 2014 about 7 weeks after the birth of our son I found some text exchanged between him and Google eyes (she is a fairly ugly person inside and out) she had been in out life since the beginning of our relationship a "friend" only after I seen those text I found out during my pregnancy they had been carrying on he denies sex and she won't talk to me at all she is also married and doesn't want to hurt the relationship hers. So I had realized at that time the affair took a lot out of me it took my feelings of belonging and my sexy. See the night I finally found those my husband was to wake me up so we could have intimate time together so I stead he traded me for her. So time goes on by September 24 2014 I found more text from another woman where he called her baby and talked to her about his business and I had later found out when he went out of town for business he text her over two hundred times a day me and my son got 6 text the whole three days he was gone. When I confronted him about the text and relationship he went ballistic I took a fairly good beat down he threatened to take my son due to I was diagnosed with post part depression during this so I was scared very scared I thought it was a possibility he could so I stayed he lied and said I made a big deal out of nothing and that it was a test kept saying that for nearly 8 months till April 25 2015 which also happens to be the day after my birthday and the day of my our sons birthday when I find out that between that night and morning he had 160 text sent to yet another woman. He didn't understand why I was so mad and again it got crazy at home and he tried to kick me out. Now I am having all kinds of horrible feelings. I feel used betrayed and I am afraid I am starting to out and out hate him I don't want to hate him we have a 14 month old but I don't know what to do anymore. He has made some change he quit running with the people that kept him around other women but he hasn't came to terms with why I am distant and cold and I am having a hard time not being distant and cold that is for sure sometimes it comes back in waves he also has a porn adiction that now totally flattens me. What do you do when they don't seem capable of stopping he says nothing physical happened between them but I don't know. Hel0Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-63451489480748240282015-05-28T10:55:59.436-04:002015-05-28T10:55:59.436-04:00Way too far. While I can see that I've grown i...Way too far. While I can see that I've grown in ways that, frankly, are good, I would have preferred to NOT have to go through hell to get there. The negative impact of betrayal lingers on for a very long time. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-65595690257029772392015-05-27T13:41:07.327-04:002015-05-27T13:41:07.327-04:00I'm very thankful to you for saying this. Whil...I'm very thankful to you for saying this. While my husband and I are working to build a stronger marriage, I am never going to think that his cheating and porn addiction were a good thing. We may have made something good come out of the whole mess, but that doesn't mean the betrayal was in and of itself a good. I think people try too hard to make that case.<br /><br />I like your sense of realism. That you have rebuilt a better marriage, that you are happy you stayed with your husband, but you aren't going to pretend he did you a favor by cheating. I think that takes it too far.<br /><br />~GeeAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-86238786012746154432013-12-28T21:56:06.521-05:002013-12-28T21:56:06.521-05:00Thank you so much you are a great inspiration for ...Thank you so much you are a great inspiration for other my like is finally getting together and closer communication I also definitely improving as well as trust it just one piece missing and is sex.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-29014117769423128242013-12-27T17:08:51.157-05:002013-12-27T17:08:51.157-05:00At two months there's still a lot of pain to w...At two months there's still a lot of pain to wade through. That you can both be honest about what was wrong in your marriage is a good start. Give it time, continue to communicate with each other. I suspect the sex will improve as the raw pain diminishes.<br /><br />ElleEllehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-42408387898145635792013-12-23T22:37:56.735-05:002013-12-23T22:37:56.735-05:00You think??....Our relationship was really bad pri...You think??....Our relationship was really bad prior the affair we had a lot of problems so he is I guess trying to get over it ...we hurt each other and our communication was completely lost....now things have changed we are definitely closer than ever but sex is not as often just in the beginning was a bit weird he was a bit aggressive not in a bad way but it was different then it stopped....it has been almost 2 months Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-45961520657125198482013-12-23T13:32:32.745-05:002013-12-23T13:32:32.745-05:00I can imagine it's quite hurtful for you to ha...I can imagine it's quite hurtful for you to have him reject you sexually after betrayal. Sex can be a great way to reconnect.<br />I'm curious what he's not "feeling it". Is he still shame-filled about his actions? Has he worked through why he cheated in the first place with a therapist? I suspect there's something more than simply "time" needed.<br /><br />ElleEllehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-82499811987124137302013-12-22T12:56:17.421-05:002013-12-22T12:56:17.421-05:00I believe is true an affair could save a marriage....I believe is true an affair could save a marriage. It has been 9 months since d - day and we are going strong our communication has gotten a lot better but there is only one things it is still bothering me and is the fact that he doesn't want to have sex because he says he doesn't feel it and he needs time it is discouraging at times and it angers me sometimes but I don't know what to do....any thoughts? Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-53625358183723587572013-12-13T16:47:46.272-05:002013-12-13T16:47:46.272-05:00I am realizing how important it is for betrayed sp...I am realizing how important it is for betrayed spouses and cheaters to rid themselves of opinionated people during this time. Most people subscribe to the soulmate fiction and fall into the hollywood romance of illicit relationships. I just learned that in talking to his guy friends, my husband was getting very different takes and feedback on his affair. One of his friends who is recently divorced, was feeding the "soul-mate" fantasy in their conversation. My husband admitted that it helped feed the "love" addiction (as did Google and Facebook) which contributed to him still calling the OW. He owns his behavior but when you are vulnerable and weak, your mind can easily be contorted and twisted. <br /> An acquaintance of mine suggested to me that maybe our relationship had run its course and we just needed to move on, and others imply that maybe people aren't meant to be monogamous. If people are bringing such beliefs to you, it can hurt your recovery. It is so key to get rid of the the naysayers until you know what you want.MBShttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10168863416317700184noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-86379199720051251142013-12-13T09:25:31.157-05:002013-12-13T09:25:31.157-05:00One of the hardest parts for me was not micro-mana...One of the hardest parts for me was not micro-managing my husband's recovery (have I mentioned I have a bit of a problem with control??). Letting go felt terrifying. But it was ultimately liberating. Wow…to actually let other people do their own thing without worrying they would do it wrong. To realize that taking care of myself is a full-time job. It, eventually, felt great. So stick with your Zen act as long as you can. If you slip, no worries. Just get back at it. You'll be amazed at how easy life can actually be. Not that bad things won't happen…but realizing that hanging on tight doesn't stop them from happening. And that you've got the resources to handle whatever comes. <br />As for punching him in the mouth, no doubt he deserves it. But channel your inner Ghandi and opt for non-violence. :)<br /><br />ElleEllehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-59916979071769225692013-12-12T16:54:19.263-05:002013-12-12T16:54:19.263-05:00I think he may have realized he hit rock bottom. O...I think he may have realized he hit rock bottom. OUr therapist laid it all out. If he slips again, there is no chance of recovering our marriage. The next day he started 12 steps for love and sex addiction. He is talking to his friends. He is finally saying the things I was waiting to hear. He wants to go deep in his issues. He sounds way different than I ever heard. On my part, I am not doing the talking or the directing. I am hurting the situation by trying to push, prod and drag. Just insisting on my bottom line for safety, honesty and transparency. But otherwise I am taking my time, listening, doing yoga, and crying. Lets see how long my Zen act will last.<br />Still waiting to see if the other, other shoe will drop (its a four legged animal here :). I do still believe is is capable of self awareness but has to be proactive about getting over his hurdles. <br />Thank you all for your kind words of support. They are keeping me from punching him in the mouth.MBShttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10168863416317700184noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-22557562197397267802013-12-10T22:58:46.447-05:002013-12-10T22:58:46.447-05:00MBS, boy what a holiday's we are going to have...MBS, boy what a holiday's we are going to have.... I am sad to read your new posting.. I am having a sobbing free moment and enjoying it, hopefully I can sleep tonight and hopefully tomorrow I don't cry all day...... let's hang in there together all this support on this blog is really helping me thank you all.until my saga (soap opera) goes on ~u~Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-30873446521974184792013-12-10T16:20:08.966-05:002013-12-10T16:20:08.966-05:00Mbs
Thinking of you at this difficult time x xMbs<br /><br />Thinking of you at this difficult time x xAnonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10071329217675295943noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-41285795635094156072013-12-10T09:35:18.277-05:002013-12-10T09:35:18.277-05:00MBS,
You don't have to eat anything. I'm s...MBS,<br />You don't have to eat anything. I'm sorry he's acting like such an idiot.<br />You sound incredibly calm and strong, which is good. Think of the first D-Day as a warm-up for the big game, which is now. You know that you will not tolerate this behaviour. You know that begging and pleading isn't going to work. He needs to absolutely understand that everything that really matters to him is threatened if he doesn't pull his head out of his ass. If he's acknowledging that he has an "addictive" personality, insist that he get himself into therapy or into a 12-step program, or both. <br />So…yes, a very damaged individual. Draw your firm line. Take time to figure out what it is and what you can reasonably live with. The rest is up to him. I hope he rises to the occasion.<br /><br />ElleEllehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-64889701982620264852013-12-10T00:11:56.502-05:002013-12-10T00:11:56.502-05:00Uh, sooo I have to eat my words. Or some of them. ...Uh, sooo I have to eat my words. Or some of them. My husband has been telephoning his AP since the "no contact" letter I made him write in mid Oct. I had asked him numerous times to tell me if he was contacting her and he looked me straight in the face and lied, numerous times. Her estranged husband finally emailed me to tell me they were talking, as recently as yesterday. I feel so utterly humiliated but not defeated like I was when I first found out. I am a bit relieved to know who I am dealing with and what he is capable of. Our relationship had been going too well and I was feeling like the other shoe was about to drop. Well it did and thus ended all the good work we have been doing for the last 2 months. I don't know what else I feel, but do I feel sorry for him for his lack of integrity. Sad to know that my children have a self absorbed a$$ as a father. I don't think the affair was rekindled, he just has an addict personality and has a hard time saying no to thrills and feeling high. He claims he is obsessed and can't control it. The calls were more like check ins and keeping tabs on her--she just got herself a boyfriend BTW, 2 months after the NC letter and still living in the house with her estranged husband--a real class act. My husband still has good qualities and I believe in his capacity for growth. But I also know know that he is also very capable of self sabotage and mental gymnastics (my favorite phrase from Elle). In other words, a very, very damaged individual.<br /> Still letting it sink in but I am all for drawing a firm line (not sure what it is yet) but planning that he will have to go. Not sure if he has it in him to be better than this. sigh.MBShttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10168863416317700184noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-77548223239140831992013-12-05T10:30:02.248-05:002013-12-05T10:30:02.248-05:00U,
Yes, he's deep in his fog. And to some degr...U,<br />Yes, he's deep in his fog. And to some degree, you're helping him. Get really clear with your boundaries. He can NOT have both of you. You are going to move forward, with or without him. <br />What trips many of us up is thinking that, if we're doing the "right" thing, it will be easy. Or feel good. It won't. It will hurt like hell. Of course, you miss him. Of course, you want your marriage. But that doesn't mean that moving forward without him is the wrong thing. It might end up being the only thing. You want a marriage with a committed partner. Not someone who's wishy washy and expects two women to fight over him. This is intoxicating stuff for him. To have two women?? Nirvana. Ego-boosting. He's a rock star.<br />Except he's not. He's a cheater and he's betraying his vows and his partner. That's not okay.<br />So…feel the hurt. But trust that it won't last forever. Don't hold your breath. Stick to your boundaries (you're right re. letting him break it off on his own. He needs to do it simply -- "I am working on my marriage and will have no further contact with you." and with you present). Don't be accommodating or easy-going. He's cheating on you, for God's sake. Get angry. Stand up for yourself. You do NOT deserve this. I'm not saying that you go batshit crazy, just that you refuse to be treated like runner up to the prom queen. If he wants the benefit of a lifetime with you, then he'd better smarten up. And plan to do a whole lot of work to make up for what he's done.<br /><br />ElleEllehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-84490160163294683602013-12-04T20:42:54.138-05:002013-12-04T20:42:54.138-05:00Me again, bad speller ~u~...... This is just so ha...Me again, bad speller ~u~...... This is just so hard. I miss my marriage and my friend. I undestand it's all long gone but I still miss him and us. I keep repeating over and over in my mind how he left me again. One day, last Friday he commited and wanted safe our marriage and then Saturday evening he is texting with her again, Sunday morning he goes for a drive to call it off with her, (couldn't do on front of me,,, silly me to let him go..) comes home and tells that he just can't leave her. What did she say to him?? Why did he run to her again????? He is on his fog, right? I am really starting to lose hope. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-56290170191364649582013-12-03T09:00:16.984-05:002013-12-03T09:00:16.984-05:00U,
Nope -- don't send him anything. People hav...U,<br />Nope -- don't send him anything. People having affairs are like teenagers -- they think they're the only ones in the world to ever feel like this. Life is so DRAMATIC. Stay calm (on the surface), cool and collected. Make it clear that there's a price to pay for his actions…and that price is that he's lost you as an ally. At least for the time being. It's not game-playing, it's about setting healthy boundaries. <br /><br />ElleEllehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-31598597613291263932013-12-02T20:27:31.857-05:002013-12-02T20:27:31.857-05:00Thank you again!
MBS and Elle it all makes sense ...Thank you again! <br />MBS and Elle it all makes sense now. He is acting just like in the book about affairs. Should I tell him about "affair fog" (send link on email) or will he just get mad again? Plus I am trying to not to contact him (first day).... I do love him and still want to try to recover....but I love myself more!!!! ~u~Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-74671607010138956112013-12-02T14:12:48.640-05:002013-12-02T14:12:48.640-05:00I am so sorry Anon,
Get a lawyer for sure. Let him...I am so sorry Anon,<br />Get a lawyer for sure. Let him go for the time being. Most importantly please protect yourself and take care of yourself. Let him go for now and figure out what you really want. Does he deserve you, anyway? <br />It is helpful to learn about affair fog. Affair fog keeps them blind to what they really want. They are not able to make rational decisions so don't let him run the show. Try to keep control of what you can. As a housewife and mother you are powerful. You are valuable. You took care of the home and kids, he couldn't have acheived what he has without you. It hurts so bad to be rejected like this. But it is not your fault. You didn't cause it.<br />Do your best to not beg him to come back. If you still love him, let him know but don't let him take away your dignity. <br /><br />MBShttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10168863416317700184noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-76774084604451660802013-12-02T13:41:11.912-05:002013-12-02T13:41:11.912-05:00U,
A minute at a time, if necessary!
He sounds p...U,<br /><br />A minute at a time, if necessary!<br /><br />He sounds pretty deep into the fog of an affair. Some guys feel as if they can't extricate themselves so it seems almost easier to just keep going. They figure their wives will never forgive them so the OW seems like the path of least resistance. And certainly, rebuilding a marriage is not for the faint of heart.<br />Hang in there. Take care of yourself. Get to a lawyer to ensure you're clear on what you're entitled to and so you can figure out a path forward, with or without him.<br /><br />ElleEllehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-87417718288964598292013-12-02T12:57:46.101-05:002013-12-02T12:57:46.101-05:00Thank you thank you both. I am a house wife two te...Thank you thank you both. I am a house wife two teenagers, with no income so I feel totally under his power and control.., luckily he is not using it...yet.. He is saying he will take care of us.... I feel helplesss on this situation. He didn't even try to work our marriage, well first and then one day... he just can't do it and he keeps focusing for all the things thaw were "wrong" in our marriage. We had a lot of good too. I will talk to a lawer soon. Now all he has is two messed up ladies crying over him and messed up mind. He needs medical help. Day at the time , day at the time. Thank you! ~u~Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-89811906961035865962013-12-02T09:12:04.361-05:002013-12-02T09:12:04.361-05:00Is that you, u? I'm so sorry. But insisting on...Is that you, u? I'm so sorry. But insisting on boundaries is still the only way forward. He was either going to cheat with your permission or cheat without your permission. At least by creating boundaries you've insisted on being treated with respect, which is crucial to your own healing. You might not see it now but he's done you a favour. You don't need someone who would treat your love like it wasn't valuable. <br />Focus on getting through this. Take it a minute at a time. I promise you will get through this. You are worth more than a million OW. Treat yourself as such.<br /><br />ElleEllehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.com