tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post6458543540650536625..comments2024-03-17T12:13:33.772-04:00Comments on Betrayed Wives' Club: When a Cheater is Just a Cheater: How to Know When It's Time to BailEllehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comBlogger44125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-60228302539955183012016-11-14T02:01:49.236-05:002016-11-14T02:01:49.236-05:00This is me! Right now! Only my right now is like f...This is me! Right now! Only my right now is like four years down the line. H is in a shame spiral and has told himself he's a terrible person and that I don't love him and that he isn't in love with me anymore and that he "kinda fell in love with her". Really?! "Hey babe I think I kinda fell in love with you." Part of this was complicated by HER saying she loved him (because of course compared to her husband that hit her mine seemed like a godsend and was "the nicest person" she'd ever met) AND she was pregnant and miscarried. So he is trying to get past the shock of choosing to cheat, a surprise (and unwanted) pregnancy, his DEVASATED wife telling him she and his bastard could have him because I wasn't sticking around and then the miscarriage and the subsequent goodbye of the OW all between Sept 18 and October 31. And for some reason this dope thinks he should have a real solid answer and that he should be emotionally stable and that his in love feeling should be back. Can you see my eyes rolling?! Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-47494416795470920712014-05-21T11:35:14.764-04:002014-05-21T11:35:14.764-04:00My husband is conflicted too. Had a second emotion...My husband is conflicted too. Had a second emotional affair in 4years,after going through all the pangs,and subsequent healing,we seemed good again after the first one. All the way until tgis feb when he did it again! With an ex from long ago,who he professed to her,and then finally to me that he still loved her. But he also loves me. Is discontentbut has no plans. Wont go to counselling,or try in any way to fight for me,or fight with me,or talj at all. But he wont leave, cooks for me, kisses me on my hand,and wants comfort,as long as i dont talk about it. He is making me choose a path i still dont want by not choosing his own. His lack of effort and passiveness is forcing me to leave so i can focus on me and not be obsessed with what wants or doesnt want. This latest love happened only a week ago,but supposedly not physical. Am i still in shock because i dont feel anger or hate just disapointment that he did it again after all we went through. Side note he has depression and alchohol issues that run in the family. He refuses to address any of tgose things or admit he is to blame in sny of this. He can honestly say he isnt the one asking for a divorce so i can take the blame for his inaction and actions. I do love him but i cant stay if im disrepected eery 3 to 5 years because he feels dissatisfied but cant tell why or deal with it. Am i rushing into this out of panic and self preservation or should i wait out tge depressipn if thats what it is? Weve had a long relationship and get along great mostly,even with this going on. Im a roller coaster. I cant tell which diving board to jump off of into which pool. Sorry for typos,the editing thing doesnt let me fix mistakes on this phone.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-53990687506515514742013-03-18T09:20:13.125-04:002013-03-18T09:20:13.125-04:00I did a search and found the article and it opened...I did a search and found the article and it opened fine. I'll give it a read. Thanks for that! And glad you're finding the book helpful. It's a lifeline, I think. Was for me anyway.<br /><br />ElleEllehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-80559669557479441122013-03-17T22:37:50.878-04:002013-03-17T22:37:50.878-04:00Yes, he seems to be doing all the right things and...Yes, he seems to be doing all the right things and I'm really hopeful that he can recover from this, although at the moment he has such deep shame he can barely look at me. <br />You may not have been able to open the article because it's from a journal. If you know someone who can access journal articles (and you're happy for them to know what you're looking for!!), get them to search for "The Traumatic Nature of Disclosure for Wives of Sexual Addicts" (by Steffens and Rennie).<br />I've read half the book and it is so helpful already. Thank you :)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-75309346728516536862013-03-17T18:58:09.988-04:002013-03-17T18:58:09.988-04:00Anon,
Sounds as if he's doing all the right th...Anon,<br />Sounds as if he's doing all the right things for his recovery. The key, of course, is sticking to them and having a plan when temptation strikes. In my husband's case, he was so sick of himself and feeling so much shame that he describes his recovery as a huge relief. <br />Like you, it took learning about his sex addiction in order for me to "understand' the affair I first learned about. <br />And I'm glad you're feeling as though you can cope on a day-to-day basis. Hang on to those moments of clarity and hope -- they'll see you through the darker days because you'll remember it's possible to feel hopeful.<br />And I think you'll find that book really helpful. I can't seem to read the article you sent. Thanks though.<br /><br />ElleEllehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-59625193144142242072013-03-17T03:47:06.644-04:002013-03-17T03:47:06.644-04:00Thank you. Yes, my husband is seeing a psychothera...Thank you. Yes, my husband is seeing a psychotherapist who deals with sex addiction and has also been attending a 12-step group. I got the details over the course of a week - before the last instalment, I begged him to make it the last day of shocks, if he had any shred of feeling for me. I'm fairly confident I know everything now. He's told me many things that I never would have found out about (eg, prostitutes from before we were married 15 years ago). He has owned up and taken responsibility for what he's done, and he's paying the price now as I insisted we separate while he sort himself out. He is really missing his family (we have a young baby). Once he told me the full story, it started to make a lot more sense. Before, I was searching for reasons why he'd embarked upon a sexual affair when we had a 5 month old baby. <br /><br />I am still in shock, although there are more bright moments in the day now and some days feel easier (some days still feel like a giant step backwards, though). I've given up the detective work, and I'm glad of that. I feel like I can cope on my own now, whereas the week I found out I couldn't function at all, let alone take care of my baby. I am going to counselling, although I need to find a counsellor that deals with this sort of thing. I am amazed at my own strength, that I'm able to deal with this sort of thing. <br /><br />Thanks for the book recommendation. I have downloaded it to my Kindle, and am already devouring it.<br /><br />Here's the article - hope you can open it. <br /><br />http://tinyurl.com/aa8say4<br /><br />Thanks again for your comments and help.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-78873853786418304732013-03-16T08:03:02.207-04:002013-03-16T08:03:02.207-04:00I know the comfort of discovering you're not a...I know the comfort of discovering you're not alone. Glad you found us here...but so sorry you needed to find us.<br />If at all possible, arrange for an experienced counsellor to be with you for a total disclosure. You can then avoid the "dribs and drabs", which really does only exacerbate the trauma. <br />You are still very newly wounded. Is your husband doing anything about his sex addiction? Most experts insist that he needs to see someone very experienced in dealing with sex addicts and that he also attend a 12-step group. My husband did both. When his sex addiction counsellor moved away and my husband began with another counsellor who didn't deal exclusively with sex addiction, I think his recovery slowed down and suffered. <br />And, if you haven't already, find Stefanie Carnes' wonderful book Mending a Shattered Heart, written exclusively for partners of sex addicts. <br />I'd also love to read the article on wives of sex addicts if you could post the link.<br />Please feel free to continue to post here -- your questions and your thoughts. It's confusing and excruciating and can feel so lonely. Here, your among those who know your pain and can guide you through.<br /><br />ElleEllehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-2087570872000380802013-03-16T03:39:51.226-04:002013-03-16T03:39:51.226-04:00I'm just finding this blog for the first time ...I'm just finding this blog for the first time and I'm so relieved to find others in the same position as me - finding out about multiple women all at once (well, actually - in dribs and drabs, just to make the trauma worse). Yes, it's definitely a trauma, Elle. In fact, I read an article on the wives of sex addicts suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder.<br />My D-Day will be a month on Tuesday, so I am newly wounded. I'm really encouraged by the fact that your husband's sex addiction is now a thing of the past. Any comments you have or advice you can offer is gratefully received. Thanks.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-82138278290233051422012-12-12T10:10:55.392-05:002012-12-12T10:10:55.392-05:00Nope, definitely not alone. With my husband, it wa...Nope, definitely not alone. With my husband, it was also multiple women...and men. It was mind-boggling to me, who thought I'd married this "perfect" man (that should have been my first tip that something was wrong. ;) ). <br />And this is still very new to you. It helped me to understand that such a trust violation was, in fact, trauma. It allowed me to be easier on myself, to not expect myself to "get over" it quickly. It gave me permission to recognize just how deeply wounded I was...and to tend to that wound before anything else.<br />Six years later I can say that my husband's sex addiction is something that "was". He also sought help...most will say it needs to be with someone experienced in dealing with sex addiction. But I had to leave him to his own healing (as hard as that was for a control freak like I) and focus on my own.<br />It's not easy...but most important things aren't.<br />Hang in there. For now, just breathe and trust that you'll get through this.<br /><br />ElleEllehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-77981738051393253492012-12-11T20:17:39.588-05:002012-12-11T20:17:39.588-05:00Thanks a lot Elle, I appreciate that you replied, ...Thanks a lot Elle, I appreciate that you replied, well he has started going to therapy, i know that it is not my fault, but still i have a lot of anger and sadness, my tears are allways ready to fall, i dont know how to deal with it, especially because it's more then one woman, it feels like you don't know where to direct ur anger, but i am so grateful for finding this site where i can feel that i am understood and not alone, I will diffidently get this book, thanks a lotwifenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-26833180714238131102012-12-11T09:21:42.466-05:002012-12-11T09:21:42.466-05:00Dear Wife,
I'm so sorry for all that you'...Dear Wife,<br /><br />I'm so sorry for all that you're going through. Dealing with a sex addict is confusing and painful.<br />However, the more you can learn about addiction in general and sex addiction in particular, the more you'll be able to accept that this really had nothing to do with you or your son. Whether you choose to stay with your husband or not, please educate yourself so that you can be healthier yourself and choose healthier relationships.<br />Sex addiction is about using sex (in all forms, including porn, masturbation, etc) in order to numb feelings that are too uncomfortable or painful to experience. It's bizarrely not so much about sex as about intimacy. Or rather an incredible fear of intimacy. It's so much easier for these guys to engage with someone without any emotional connection because they can avoid intimacy.<br />If you haven't already read Mending a Shattered Heart, for partners of sex addicts, please do. It's a wonderful book that can move you forward in healing: http://books.google.ca/books/about/Mending_a_Shattered_Heart.html?id=mQqjNk-TrLwC&redir_esc=y<br /><br />Hang in there, Wife. Focus on yourself and what you need to heal and insist that your husband get help for his addiction as necessary for you to continue in your marriage. This does get better...<br /><br />ElleEllehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-37358716025629620352012-12-09T23:54:07.149-05:002012-12-09T23:54:07.149-05:00I am happy to find this blog, My D- day was 3 mont...I am happy to find this blog, My D- day was 3 months ago, and the pain is still there, some days i feel like i am numb, others i feel like going crazy, sometimes i just wish there was an easy choice to make, 4 years in marriage ! I thought i was the luckiest wife, just to find how betrayed i was, porn and acting out are just too much to take in, he shows remorse and is doing everything it takes, but still it is never going to be "fair", we have a son together as well, imaging him without a normal home breaks my heart, i just can't get the Y question out of my mind !! moreover i don't want to end up being a depressed wife for the rest of my life, am still young and attractive, i am focusing on my self more now hoping to get my old happy "me" back, because my child deserves a happy healthy mom.<br />Wife Of a sex addictnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-3158243526739461072012-11-12T14:37:36.903-05:002012-11-12T14:37:36.903-05:00Anonymous,
Thank-you for posting and I'm very ...Anonymous,<br />Thank-you for posting and I'm very sorry for the pain you're going through. Whatever the circumstances of the beginning of your relationship, it's devastating to be betrayed by someone you love and trust.<br />I have no idea whether his former wife would welcome your apology or not. Regardless, I admire your ability to recognize the pain you've caused and acknowledge that it never did feel "right" to you. As Maya Angelou reminds us, "When we know better, we do better."<br />I try hard not to judge, as I know I've certainly made my share of mistakes in life.<br />You're welcome here and I hope you'll find healing and help. <br />ElleEllehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-88870100440589828782012-11-12T12:50:13.513-05:002012-11-12T12:50:13.513-05:00I am both the OW, and a cheated on spouse (the sam...I am both the OW, and a cheated on spouse (the same man). I'm not looking for sympathy, I got what I deserved. I believe in karma so I know what goes around comes around. I also believe that there are some men (or women) who are cheaters through and through and will never change. I learned that the hard way. I had no business being the OW and I am deeply sorry for the hurt I caused. I'm not just saying this because of the hurt I suffered, but because it never felt right and I should have been strong enough to say no, and not get involved in the first place. I want to apologize to the woman I caused hurt to, but I think it would just look selfish on my part as it was almost 8 years ago. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-54945171986784038912012-10-31T10:21:53.360-04:002012-10-31T10:21:53.360-04:00I'm so glad you weighed in here. I love your b...I'm so glad you weighed in here. I love your blog!<br />I think with lying and sex addiction, the two behaviours are so intertwined. Generally what created the addiction also fuels the lying -- shame and fear. The lying becomes as natural as breathing but has roots in a desire to stay out of trouble. <br />I still find my husband lying, or suggesting I lie, about such incredibly benign things. I told him last week that I felt badly I'd forgotten a lunch date with a friend. He immediately responded with "tell her you're just so busy with the kids....". I said no, I'll tell her the truth. That I forgot to write it down in my planner. The truth often doesn't occur to him. In his head, he's forever trying to avoid conflict or guilt or shame...and lying is a whole lot easier than taking responsibility for behaviour. At least in the short term.<br />Our marriage counsellor is working hard to get him to see that being honest often doesn't produce the maelstrom he anticipates. I'm NOT his mother. I'm not going to berate him or shame him or punish him. But it takes a long time to rewire the brain.<br />I don't know what the answer is in your case. Are you seeing any progress at all? Is he able to see how the lying is at least as damaging (or more!) to your relationship than the acting out? I think, once these guys "get" that honesty will take them a lot further than lying, change can happen quickly. But it's getting past those old beliefs that can take a lot of time. He needs to learn to trust you in this case -- trust you to deal with his honesty maturely and without recrimination.<br /><br />ElleEllehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-57732598419981540892012-10-30T15:39:14.742-04:002012-10-30T15:39:14.742-04:00This is where I am right now... Trying to make th...This is where I am right now... Trying to make that distinction. I see shame and guilt and true remorse in my husband. I also see the desire to change and get better. HOWEVER, he lies about everything, and he's a sex addict. His efforts to improve himself up to this point have had minor successes, but on the major problem (lying) he is still barely past ground zero. I just don't know how long I can or should hold on to my hope for our marriage.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-75820979383258816552012-10-30T15:37:07.264-04:002012-10-30T15:37:07.264-04:00This is where I am right now... Trying to make th...This is where I am right now... Trying to make that distinction. I see shame and guilt and true remorse in my husband. I also see the desire to change and get better. HOWEVER, he lies about everything, and he's a sex addict. His efforts to improve himself up to this point have had minor successes, but on the major problem (lying) he is still barely past ground zero. I just don't know how long I can or should hold on to my hope for our marriage.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-70776501368487124672012-10-24T10:35:04.927-04:002012-10-24T10:35:04.927-04:00Came across this quote, Erica, and it seemed aprop...Came across this quote, Erica, and it seemed apropos to your situation:<br />“I think the reward for conformity is that everyone likes you except yourself.” ― Rita Mae Brown<br /><br />ElleEllehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-377687261882410792012-10-23T16:31:59.660-04:002012-10-23T16:31:59.660-04:00Thank you, Elle. I'm planning to re-read your ...Thank you, Elle. I'm planning to re-read your reply whenever I'm feeling down. :-) Ericanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-86616978982067074622012-10-23T14:09:36.579-04:002012-10-23T14:09:36.579-04:00Erica,
It can be tough to get past those feelings....Erica,<br />It can be tough to get past those feelings. I had them for quite a while, even though my husband was doing everything he could. <br />I think, in part, it comes down to a very human desire for punishment. We hate to think people can "get away" with something. There should be a penalty, we think. And we certainly believe that we're paying a price.<br />And I think, as you noted, there's a societal call for blood when somebody cheats that can make us feel as if we're being taken advantage of. Our culture applauds women who kick the guy out, and feel let down by women who don't. And yet...who are we to determine what's right for another person? Remember Kathie Lee Gifford? Her husband was caught with a hooker (if memory serves) and she stuck with him, famously saying that "he might be a jerk but he's MY jerk". Now, of course, I admire her for sticking to what felt right to her, even though many believed she should toss him. <br />And that's what you need to remind yourself of daily. Sticking it out is NOT the easy way out. It's hard work and it's, at least publicly, thankless work. But the value lies in rebuilding a marriage that has weathered an almost impossible storm. There should be pride in that. Stand tall, be proud. There is no shame is giving someone another chance to prove their worthy of it. And certainly no shame is allowing your children's father to be the man they need him to be.<br />ElleEllehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-37820957538067354942012-10-22T17:34:35.829-04:002012-10-22T17:34:35.829-04:00This resonates with me so much right now! My H is ...This resonates with me so much right now! My H is really remorseful and works really hard to try to make this work. As I think I've mentioned here before, both of us now 'get' why this happened - it took a lot of individual & couples therapy to get there. That is the head/thinking part, but my heart still hurts, and I feel humiliated. Like many of us here, I too always thought that if my H cheated on me I'd leave immediately. It was so theoretical way back when (I remember thinking that as a middle schooler), but *of course* that would never happen to me, and especially after I married an awesome man I never, ever expected this to happen. Middle school thoughts are hard to kick, as odd as that sounds. In my case, then, it's not so much "the world" but it's ME... ME feeling ashamed for staying with him, ME who feels like a doormat (even though nothing else in our relationship could be viewed that way), ME who worries whether I'll ever regain my self-esteem if I stay. I'm now 21 months out from DDay and this is my current struggle. I fantasize about getting a quickie divorce and then re-marrying. (Is a cheap, quickie divorce even possible with kids?) The divorce-then-marry-anew would actually make ME feel better, I suspect. But is that giving in to 'the seventh grade pseudo feminist' that's still alive in my 39 year old self? (There are great things about my 7th grade self. I still LOVE to dance, for example, but maybe not the 7th grader's stark view on infidelity.) Any thoughts? Ericanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-38466478854216641482012-10-21T22:22:35.354-04:002012-10-21T22:22:35.354-04:00Scabs,
"The world" doesn't have a cl...Scabs,<br />"The world" doesn't have a clue what's going on inside your marriage. And "the world" won't be there when you look back on your life and examine the steps and missteps over the year. You will be, though. So you need to make decisions based on what's right for you, not "the world". It's hard. "The world" tends to have a lot of opinions about things, but especially about cheating. But those opinions are generally narrow and stifling and judgemental. <br />Stay focussed on the "miraculous" changes...that will help guide you in the right direction. And try your best to shut out those voices (often coming from inside our own head) that say we're doormats, or humiliating ourselves. And listen to the truer voice that encourages us to do what's best for us.<br />ElleEllehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-61079279022833389932012-10-20T14:37:39.016-04:002012-10-20T14:37:39.016-04:00this has made so much sense to me. i hear the wor...this has made so much sense to me. i hear the world telling me all the time...once a cheater always a cheater...<br /><br />and i wonder, am i a fool of a girl to stay with him? it's humiliating enough, to be cheated on but to actually stay and work it out appears from the outside to be so demoralizing.<br /><br />but that is the world speaking to me.<br /><br />My heart experiences something else. He is remorseful and struggling with his own heavy guilt and self-anger. He is making changes, lasting changes. It is all really pretty miraculous.Scabshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13738638161899826056noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-45476253163929467642012-10-17T13:57:49.460-04:002012-10-17T13:57:49.460-04:00Liz,
I think an individual counsellor's mandat...Liz,<br />I think an individual counsellor's mandate is different than a couples' counsellor. His therapist is really there to help him work through his own issues, with no concern for you. But if your husband has determined that he wants to save his marriage, his therapist should be supporting that. <br />Re. his journal: I suspect there are things in there that would do you no good to know. I've kept a journal since I was nine, and though I've never had an affair, there are things in there that I would not want my husband, my children, my parents, etc. to read. Usually just me venting...and not necessarily my long-term feelings. Let your husband have that. It can be an important tool for him to work out his feelings and get clear on what happened and why...a process you don't need to be privy to. You just want to the ultimate result, which is a dedicated, honest spouse.<br />Hang in there. This is still really new for you so there's all sorts of emotional confusion. Hang in there...and keep asking questions.<br />ElleEllehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-26546403062096910372012-10-17T09:47:51.781-04:002012-10-17T09:47:51.781-04:00My husband's therapist also knew about the aff...My husband's therapist also knew about the affair and didn't make him tell me. My husband feels the therapist can't make him do things and tries to stay neutral. He really likes his therapist and it is a safe place for him so I don't feel I can take it away right now. As far as the therapist knew, the affair was over. But my husband was going to start it up again and that was only possible because I didn't know. But I do now and we have the marriage therapist also now so I feel okay with his therapist, I think. So complicated! My husband also has a journal for creative writing that I'm hoping he will let me read from at some point. <br /><br />LizAnonymousnoreply@blogger.com