tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post6667690896243598343..comments2024-03-28T19:25:37.448-04:00Comments on Betrayed Wives' Club: "How could he do this to me?": You may never understand. And that's okay.Ellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comBlogger59125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-2893849113902607072017-08-21T19:25:12.630-04:002017-08-21T19:25:12.630-04:00Jules, you're so right. This is about time for...Jules, you're so right. This is about time for me to heal. I'm approaching the 8 month Dday mark & our Anniversary is going to be tough. Going to San Francisco will help. He took me nowhere last year but he was busy screwing her. I'm glad you're in a better place & hope to be there someday. I've got to learn to love me. He's acting like the perfect husband now, but he fooled me before. Just call me Debbie Downer I guess, or doubting Deb, lol. Here's to healing! Thanks for the much needed pep talk! debawhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05355177601208117167noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-16107788964516678712017-08-21T19:14:07.146-04:002017-08-21T19:14:07.146-04:00Olive Mee, you are so right. I'm so damn insec...Olive Mee, you are so right. I'm so damn insecure anyway so you can imagine how damaged I am now. I'd love to be able to understand his past behaviors but I get lots of I don't knows & I don't remembers. It's so frustrating. I just went to buy an Anniversary card for our 30th is next week & it's hard as hell to pick out a card for someone that cheated on you that's full of things I don't believe in about him anymore. A year ago today he was at her house, the next day he was promising her a future together, exactly a week before our 29th in which he produced an extremely romantic Anniversary card, which obviously he never meant. I always loved his cards because they were romantic & the only time I receive any tiny bit of romances. Never told me things like that. But you're right! I've got to break out of this bubble because it's destroying my life & I've decided he's not worth it. But I am!debawhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05355177601208117167noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-88077034586212479072017-08-21T14:46:36.062-04:002017-08-21T14:46:36.062-04:00Olive Mee - so well said and what I am really tryi...Olive Mee - so well said and what I am really trying to do. Put me first, and let go of the past. I like how you said it is on the back burner, becoming a part of the fabric of your life. So well said and so true. For me, I will never like that they still work together, but the fact is - even if she left, even if husband left, even if we divorced - I would STILL have to heal from the past. That is up to me - I am in control of that and like you, I need inner peace. I need to live MY best life. All signs point to my husband is changed...I can't keep letting fear rule my life. Thank you for your wise words!Julesnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-77076425000236521612017-08-21T14:37:03.160-04:002017-08-21T14:37:03.160-04:00We may never know if they loved us at the time. W...We may never know if they loved us at the time. We should feel comforted that even if they said they loved the ow, that there is very little if anything that any of them did to demonstrate an A was love. Did they take care of the other when sick? raise a child? pay a bill? participate in family events? celebrate with friends? finish each others sentences? Nope. What we do know for sure is there is one person a CH does not love: HIMSELF. There is no way you can love yourself and make those choices. They were damaged. I don't know if my H stopped loving me or if he did love the cow. But I know that he could not have loved himself. At all. Unlike H, I did love myself. I don't love my circumstance and I question my marriage now. But I am healing enough that I love me again. I don't know how H can love himself after what he did but that is his hurdle to overcome. browneyedgirlnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-66299539015984281212017-08-21T14:34:07.940-04:002017-08-21T14:34:07.940-04:00debaw - I am right there with you, but recently - ...debaw - I am right there with you, but recently - 18 months after dday, have finally realized it is time to get a handle on me. I spend a lot of time like you holding on to what I saw that he wrote to her, what I heard that he said to her, what he said about me - all of that. It's so confusing to me because I wasn't living that side of things. No excuses for him - what he did was wrong - but as each day passes, I can see a bit more of what may have been happening, what he may have been feeling. Will I ever really know? no, I will not. But I am starting to realize that re-living the past is not helping me - that was then, this is now. It is not happening NOW. And even if it is, I can't control his choices. I have also been living the paralyzing fear that he is still lying, that a dday #2 is ahead, but all that negative energy was just pulling me down. I don't know what tomorrow brings. And I can't keep living thinking only negative thoughts about my husband, my marriage, my future. The time is now and the time to heal ME for ME is now. I am ready to HEAL. Hugs to you!!Julesnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-72302144583391177982017-08-21T12:04:52.387-04:002017-08-21T12:04:52.387-04:00Debaw 8/14. I feel your frustration and have many ...Debaw 8/14. I feel your frustration and have many of the same questions as you. Some have been answered and reanswered, some have opened up Pandoras box or reveal layer upon layer of shit, some will remain unanswered. What I've gotten out of the information was sometimes revealing but I found I came back to the question "how could he do this? and "who in the hell is this man?" Learning about midlife and being full aware of my husbands past (upbringing) I understand most of what got him to stepping out, and while it's not the path I would have chosen, I've come to understand and to terms why he did. I don't like it, It hurt like hell, He's an asshole for doing it. In a way, he is insane.<br /><br />What I do now when the questions arise, I take all the information I've gained in the past 9 months post D-Day, yea, I'm out just a little longer than you, and I remind myself that it is in the past, his changes may be sincere (they feel like they are), what he is doing now is like learning a new language and that it takes time to learn, I have no control of his actions but I do have control of mine. It's up to me how I will live my life. It's up to me if I want to let his shitty choice be the center of my life...it is not. It's up to me what I do with his changes for the better. While I am guarded, I have had to learn to take things as they are and make the best of the present. I didn't want to live in the bubble of his actions. It was robbing me of my life. He knows how pissed I was that he sext her and not me, even though I tried for several years to get that zesty stuff going. He knows how fucked it is to be disregarded for so many years only to find out that he gave her what I needed for 3 months, what I had been starving for for years. But I've made my peace with the past cause it's in the past, I can't change the past. He is doing all that now and then some, and sure it's got the shadow of the fact that he did this with her first, but I'm realizing and learning that I'm keeping myself in a prison of his bad choices which is clouding my vision of his current efforts and keeping me weighted down and I don't want that. First and foremost, I want a life of inner peace and I can't achieve that if I drag the past around with me. Of course it's there, but it's on the back burner. It's becoming a thread in the fabric of my life. I do what I want with my life now and don't put him first. I do what makes me feel good and happy and I live as best I can in integrity. IF you are in a space where you can educate yourself on why your husband has behaved as he has, It may help you to understand and start learning to let it go. Don't think we will ever be rid of this knowledge, but it doesn't have to be the center of our world. I certainly don't want it to be mine. I hope this helps you in the any way. Know that I understand and feel your pain, but you will transcend once you focus on you and not why he did what he did. YOU are all that matters and you are lovedMichelle (Oliveme)https://www.blogger.com/profile/03900006387862463633noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-48798879690042679512017-08-19T09:12:34.877-04:002017-08-19T09:12:34.877-04:00Christine, my sentiments exactly! How could he hav...Christine, my sentiments exactly! How could he have possibly loved me and done all of this to me. I do not understand and want to but may never be able to. It's extremely hard to believe him when he tells me he loves me, wants to be together until the end of time after putting me thru pure hell. He told her he loved her, but never meant it, do how am I supposed to believe he means it now? I don't, even though he seems to bend over backwards to prove he does. She believed it too, so he's obviously a good actor & good liar. He swears he'll never do again, but how many men have told that lie to their wives. You're so right, it's horribly sad to live like this. I hate itdebawhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05355177601208117167noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-71537331162492455372017-08-19T08:46:51.567-04:002017-08-19T08:46:51.567-04:00Olive Mee you are so right. I've got to stop w...Olive Mee you are so right. I've got to stop worrying about what if he does this again, and save my energy for ME. I'm stuck in the crap I've read that he wrote to her but swears he didn't love her. I just don't understand how someone can go to great lengths to tell someone how much they love them & not mean it. But I've got to think about me & take care of me! I've got to try and live in the present and stop wasting time & energy over something I have no control over. Thank you Again Olive Mee. debawhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05355177601208117167noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-85980318422902351242017-08-17T14:32:53.254-04:002017-08-17T14:32:53.254-04:00Jules sounds like big steps forward!!! Well done t...Jules sounds like big steps forward!!! Well done to you and your h : ) xxAnonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14621994625215389891noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-69320506437121612962017-08-16T10:00:21.384-04:002017-08-16T10:00:21.384-04:00Debaw,
Wow, sounds like you have been through conf...Debaw,<br />Wow, sounds like you have been through confusing times. I feel for you! I don't have advice but will be interested to hear what others have to say about your situation. Hang in there. Truthnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-13842067460850413122017-08-16T07:13:31.548-04:002017-08-16T07:13:31.548-04:00Bella, These are three questions that are the hard...Bella, These are three questions that are the hardest to answer. I'm not sure I really understood but I finally got enough information over 2 years. I can only answer from my experience which I hope helps you. If you can't afford therapy then give your H a book called, "How to help your spouse heal from your affair." 1. How could he do this to me? 2. Why wasn't I important enough to matter? Adulteress are selfish. My H justified the affair in his mind by - I didn't care about him anymore, I didn't appreciate him, he resented decisions we made about family matters and that resentment turned into a hate of sorts. He admits he twisted things in his mind that removed him from the love of his children even. He admits - he was an asshole and HE pushed everyone away. You can't do a terrible thing to someone without justifying that is ok, you deserve it. He wanted to escape. He felt old, irrelevant and nobody cared. Basically he made it easy for him to betray me. He did it to me because, he wanted to do it. He didn't care about me at the time. If you convince yourself that nobody cares about you anyway it makes it easier to do whatever you want. It justifies the act. Ask your H how did he justify the affairs? 3. How can he say he's always loved me if he had multiple affairs? How do I believe him?" This is a hard one because a serial cheater which from what I read is a damaged person in someway with specific needs that you can't heal. Maybe some of the other ladies can answer better. As far as how do I believe him, that is easy I'm 3 years out and I don't. He doesn't get that part of me anymore. LLPnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-45081688334990077042017-08-15T14:16:11.880-04:002017-08-15T14:16:11.880-04:00Dearest Debaw. Of course you are stuck. This is on...Dearest Debaw. Of course you are stuck. This is one hell of a trauma and it takes time to get through it. Everything you believed and trusted has been crushed by the one person you trusted completely, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel, even though you may not see it right now. I've had self esteem issues till I was about 40. I found my voice when I was 45 and it was grand. By the time I was 54, I was stifled by my own choosing, to a certain extent, in order to keep the peace, and yes, my H had a hand in it as he is a master manipulator and knows how to get his way. Looking back, I'm amazed that I let myself go almost completely, but I did. No regrets because I learned from it and that will never happen again. Understanding why the infidelity occurred has been my saving grace and restored me, my self worth and self esteem. I'm not saying it was easy to look at the ugly truth of it all but it was worth taking the step past the fear. Finding out that he was in a place where he convinced himself that the marriage was over, the shit he told her to justify the affair and ease his guilt, hearing him tell me that he hadn't loved me for years but didn't have the balls to tell me, hearing him say "I was hoping you would end the marriage so I could say I tried",to name a few, was all devastating/soul crushing/ego destroying/profoundly sad, but as time has gone by, oceans of tears became rivers, then streams, and now just a good cry, I've come to see how screwed up my H is. How much pain he has carried his whole life with all the trauma from his birth til today, and I understand why he chose that path. Doesn't make it easier, but it's made me stronger and wiser and more compassionate. For me, more good has come from the shit storm than bad. <br /><br />I don't allow myself to wade in the pool of "why did he do this to me? or how could he? or What did I do wrong/what's wrong with me? Why did she, my friend, do this?" for long. Ironically, she looks like me. I have all the answers to those questions but it takes time to deal with them. It's hard to step into fear. To look at the ugly truth of it all. It's heart breaking but it needed to be looked at, acknowledged and accepted in order to make a forward step. To become unstuck. Even if it's for a moment. Accepting what has happened is not saying it's okay, but I have found that once I acknowledge and accept things as they are, I have a choice to change them or leave then as is. I never gave him a reason to lie and cheat. That was all him. When I doubt my self worth, my esteem, my integrity, I remind myself the choices I've made and the ones he made and I feel good about myself. It's something I do most days. Some days more than others, but I'm determine to come out of this smelling like badass roses. I'm worth it and so are you. I don't trust him right now, and maybe never will, but I only have today to deal with and am learning to not live in future fear/worry. That's a time waster for sure. I'd rather waste MY time laying in bed all day reading. This is MY time. This is YOUR time. Be super good and gentle with yourself. It doesn't come easy but it gets easier. Women aren't taught to nourish themselves, but the payoff is worth it. Don't feel guilty for being selfish with your radical self care. Find yourself, your voice, your boundaries. It's all about you now. Sending you comforting love and hugs...♥Michelle (Oliveme)https://www.blogger.com/profile/03900006387862463633noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-29531399486957301962017-08-15T13:25:59.395-04:002017-08-15T13:25:59.395-04:00It sounds like you both made some great progress. ...It sounds like you both made some great progress. You seem on track and in a great place really learning to focus on you. It will continue to help you. And for my husband I think he did focus so much on taking care of me that he did not even deal with himself. Even at 2 1/2 years out he hates to talk about it all. We are in a different place now but at times issues arise and I will not be quiet or keep my feelings in. But he has verbalized how it scares him still. He says he knows he is doing the right thing 100% of the time but he has such great fears over me and our marriage. It is interesting since it feels as if the tables have turned. In the beginning I felt like he had control due to his decisions but I have learned I have the control over me and if I stay. I have said it before but I thought when I learned about the affairs that he was happy why else would he do that but in the end he was miserable. He still says it was his biggest regret and has to live with it every day. I am glad he sees it this way and takes it that seriously. I do not hold it over his head but it is important for me to hear the impact it has had on him. For me that is critical in him making the decision to not do this again.Hopeful 30noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-70944532305118752062017-08-15T09:59:49.244-04:002017-08-15T09:59:49.244-04:00Sam A - I know I already posted a "thanks&quo...Sam A - I know I already posted a "thanks" to all of you but I read and re-read your post above a few times just today. I remember reading it the first time and just hearing you say "stop torturing yourself" and I just keep saying YES YES YES! I feel like I have tortured myself for years...by my own thoughts mostly, but also by snooping, being secretive myself and being fearful to confront (all before dday). Now I am forced to keep memories - things I shouldn't have heard roll around in my head - and I'm just tired. It's all in the past, it's been done - his choices my choices - and it can't be changed. I have GOT to focus on the here and now. Just in the last few days, after talking over things with my husband, and then the great support from all you ladies here - I've felt much more clear. Are the thoughts gone? Hell no. This will be a long road. But I have done much better at some meditation time, some affirmation time, and thought stopping. The negatives pop up, especially around what he might talk to her about at work still - but if I focus on what he tells me and it feels like it is the truth, that he is trying and being honest....it is progress. Just because something happened in the past doesn't mean it's happening now. I have to not be an idiot or naive, but I can't keep torturing myself. You are so right! Thank you!Julesnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-57003794658155548022017-08-14T22:02:33.813-04:002017-08-14T22:02:33.813-04:00Part 2:continues
From the beginning of his flirt...Part 2:continues <br /> From the beginning of his flirting with her on Facebook how stunning, beautiful & gorgeous she was (she was f'ing ugly) which began in February of last year, turning into texting her several times a day how much he loved her until Dec 30th. He starting going to her house in May & in all that time had sex 4 times, & couldn't get it up another 4 times. She confirmed to me they were not intimate hardly at all. Never exchanged words of love in person, only via text & emails. He immediately dumped her when I found out, telling me he's glad because he was afraid she'd retaliate if he broke it off & had quit going down there the first of November because he was tired of her, but the texting had continued until dday. He is so romantic now & loving, more sex than the entire time we've been married. He has no clue why, what came over him. Regretting telling me he wanted a divorce immediately. I think he needs a shrink. How can anyone do a 180 like that? I have the husband I've always wanted but do not trust that he really loves me, even though his actions sure seems like he does, plus I'm afraid he'll do it again. He said I was a great wife, but he's either lying or he doesn't know what came over me. Is he insane?debawhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05355177601208117167noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-66009650587684628562017-08-14T21:59:52.380-04:002017-08-14T21:59:52.380-04:00Okay ladies, please explain this one to me. I foun...Okay ladies, please explain this one to me. I found out 12/31/16 that my H had a physical & very emotional affair for 10 months. To give you a little background, my H told me early on in our relationship that sex was just not that important to him. I had been married before to someone that wouldn't keep his hands off of me, and had been engaged so was pretty aware how men were, but my current H was different. He came from a dysfunctional family as far as I'm concerned. He kept putting if telling his mother we were getting married, so I told her as we were on our way for a shopping trip. He had to pull over & take a Valium. She was living with a married man & had been at that time for at least 10 years, yet she wanted to be the only woman in my h's life obviously. She was very beautiful and her man was 20 years older than she. Anyway my H was never very affectionate by any means. I got "I love you dear " on a regular basis, always kissed me bye even if he was going to the store, his compliments consisted of " you look nice dear". We will be celebrating our 30th Anniversary in 2 weeks. This man never flirted, never mad comments about other women, the last person I ever thought would cheat. His friends were as shocked. Back in November he told me he wanted a divorce and hadn't loved me in 3 years( which was the length of time we had zero sex.)Probably for 5 years prior to that we had sex on our Anniversary only. 2014 I had rented a very romantic condo on the lake, beautiful place. Had a meal catered in and he basically turned his back on me at bedtime. I felt humiliated. There was no way in hell I was going to instigate sex after that obvious rejection. So that was the end of that. I figured his little bit of sexual interest had run it's course. Well the divorce he wanted was because he was very angry over my $20,000 credit card debt. I thought that was weird because all he ever ask me before was will credit cards be paid before we retire. I'm 61, he is 60 and our retirement age is 67. I said yes, I am paying the 3 year amount. So I was shocked when he mentioned the divorce & asked him if there was someone else, which I knew was ridiculous & he said no & I believed him. I kissed his ass the next couple of months. I cashed in some of my retirement stocks to pay them off. He didn't speak to me during Nov and December. Treated me like shit. Well he didn't file for divorce but made it clear I went behind his back & betrayed him but running up credit card debt. So I had these dreams 3 nights in a row that he had a girlfriend. One night I decided to do some snooping. He always kept his phone in the living room charging. Sure enough under A name of a tire company were words that could have come from a harlequin romance novel to this woman. All I saw was the lady 2 weeks of the year but I was shocked & hurt beyond belief. 2am I got his ass out of bed & of course he denied everything. Just a friend, just talk. Well as the day went on he finally admitted to the affair. A girl he went to school with but never knew, he got aquatinted with over Facebook. Of course he lied about everything and as time went on I found some truths. He had promised her he was leaving his dark and painful situation for her. I never bitched at him, ever. He went golfing when he wanted, fishing when he wanted, unfortunately she lived st the lake, so guess where he was instead of fishing. April I found emails from the year before how he couldn't wait for their dreams to come true if being together. Mushy mushy mushy stuff. He swore he was feeding her full of bullshit the entire time, never planned to leave me, never had any intentions of having a future with her. debawhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05355177601208117167noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-30016263639433278042017-08-14T14:21:09.761-04:002017-08-14T14:21:09.761-04:00Christine, I am feeling exactly like you. How do I...Christine, I am feeling exactly like you. How do I know he truly feels about me like he says he does, no matter what he says I'll never trust that it won't happen again. I worry everyday. 7 months from my dday. He told the ow so much stuff that he swears was all bullshit, so how do I know he's not doing the same to me. I hate this constant worry. debawhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05355177601208117167noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-12339545095821816212017-08-14T11:06:19.870-04:002017-08-14T11:06:19.870-04:00Ladies....Elle, Sam A, Olive Mee, Anonymous, Hopef...Ladies....Elle, Sam A, Olive Mee, Anonymous, Hopeful 30, Theresa...and all of you - THANK YOU! I so appreciate your support last week. My husband and I had a few rough days...talking, dealing, stressing, pulling away, coming back together. I was gone overnight Friday for a family event and he stayed home and it was probably good to have just a little space. Bottom line - he is learning how painful it is for me that they still work together. But beyond that - he is really starting to see how deeply he hurt me. These past few days were the first time that he just seemed sad. And he voiced that sadness twice...once saying he just felt so sad that I was in so much pain. Then after I got home Saturday and we talked again - it came out as in he is just so sad knowing that he is the reason for all this pain. He has never voiced it in that way. I go back to our counselor Friday for some more help. I have fears that I can't control (what I don't know about the past - fear it was physical or he still told lies even after dday; as well as fear he is still in the emotional affair and/or lying or will do it again), and my fear I can control - my fear that i will sabotage our marriage because I refuse to move forward from the past. I have told him before how I wanted to let go of the past...but I didn't really feel it until now. This weekend I was sad over a few things, and really just tired....exhausted....with all of this. I'm not giving up, but I finally am starting to believe that focusing on ME - what I want, what I need, my healing - is where I need to go. Hoping the rest will follow. <br /><br />My husband also talked about how after watching a show recently about a father having depression after the births of his children - when we were watching it, I wondered if he was making any connections but didn't ask - just let him watch. Well, after we talked Saturday he said that ever since we lost our twins he feels there has been a mild depression around him. Not something he feels all the time, but something that has held him back and led to his choices. I added the led to his choices part - I think he is struggling with admitting the why he had the affair, but I don't think it's for lack of trying. I think he is working hard to heal ME, US but also himself. <br /><br />I think he is seeing that I hurt every day he goes to work. I stress, I worry, I hurt. I don't thin he realized how much, but I think he is starting to get it as best he can. I think I have been trying to control so much so I won't have any more pain and that just will not work. He has been coming home on egg shells wondering how I will be or how he should act...that is no way for either one of us to live.<br /><br />Thanks for the continued support. I know it is a roller coaster battle that is far from over, but I finally feel like maybe as painful as the past few days have been, it was some progress towards more healing.<br /><br />Hugs.Julesnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-6112185548295430092017-08-14T10:51:57.366-04:002017-08-14T10:51:57.366-04:00Ladies, you all rock! I can't stop wondering w...Ladies, you all rock! I can't stop wondering why? How could he do this? I thought we had a good marriage & he is doing everything he can to make it up to me. The guilt is eating him alive(yay!) but I'm terrified he'll do it again. Olive Mee I loved what you had to say and you were spot on. I'm 7 1/2 months from day and I've never had a lot of self confidence but I have zero self esteem. He talked shit on me & trashed our marriage to her, but swears he didn't mean it. He thought she wanted to hear stuff like that & wanted her to feel good about their affair. He never dreamed in a million years he'd get caught or see any texts or emails. He knew I trusted him with all my heart. I always said there are 2 men i trusted with my life & whole heart. My dad, (who passed 12 years ago & I miss every day) and my H. Now zero trust. I know I'll never regain my self esteem. Even if she was ugly & only a couple years younger, she was half my size. Like meth addict size. I know I have to work on this low self-esteem thing, I just don't know how. We are going to marriage counseling plus started counseling with our pastor & his wife who is also a minister. I'm totally stuck!debawhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05355177601208117167noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-27930171270890815212017-08-14T09:29:44.152-04:002017-08-14T09:29:44.152-04:00Hi Anonymous Aug 12, I have so much compassion for...Hi Anonymous Aug 12, I have so much compassion for what you are going through. I too have had more than one Dday. The #1 thing is to put yourself and your needs first. I am happy to hear you both have counseling apts. That is a hopeful step. And you have already made boundaries. It took me longer than a few days to do that so give yourself a lot of credit for that. You probably have already read this advice: H never has contact with the cow again. H gives you full access to all his devices & passwords. H goes to as much counseling as you need for tow reasons: a) to figure out what is wrong with him so he never does it again and b) to help you heal (as long as it takes). I would recommend you don't contact the cow or her bh any more, there is no benefit to you or your marriage by communicating with the whore. Two pices of info I needed to have for my own piece of mind a) I went to a lawyer to understand my rights and the divorce laws in my state (not because I intended to file but because knowledge is power) and b) to my Gyn to get tested for STD's (and later a short-term prescription for antidepressants). There is lots of good info on this blog. You will find the BW on here are compassionate and non-judgmental. No one will tell you what to do (unlike some sites that say you must kick him to the curb or others that say forgive faster than you are ready to). We will all hold you (and each other) up and remind you that you are worthy, you did nothing wrong, this mess is all on CH and to make your own health (and the health of your children if you have kids) your first priority. If you want to give your self a nickname to post again just click on Reply as: Select profile... Name/URL (choose a name and leave the URL blank).browneyedgirlnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-80155426040539002532017-08-12T09:32:16.124-04:002017-08-12T09:32:16.124-04:00I don't even know where to begin. I don't...I don't even know where to begin. I don't know if I consider this past Wednesday Dday or July 3rd, when he told me he didn't love me anymore. The OW and h have known each other since September, phone/text conversations didn't start until June. In July alone there is 33 pages of the their numbers sending text back and forth. He swears there was nothing physical. I don't know what to believe.....this is mumber 2. Just over 6 years ago he had a confirmed physical affair and subsequent pregnancy scare. I am an absolute mess, a friend gave me this site, I have just been reading and absorbing the stories and advice. Last night his world started caving in, his problems (which at least he is starting to realize are bigger than his thought his feeling have suddenly changed for me) and has an appointment with a therapist on Monday. I am calling today to get my appointment. Because of his job his is pretty much required to keep it up. I am thankful because if he had been willing to do this years ago we not be back here. I have turned into a crazy person I don't recognize. The term gaslighting I thought was for "other" people...I now realize this applies to me and I am devastated that I allowed this to go on...OW just filed for an annulment this past Tuesday, think she really thought H would file too. I found her and her now second ex, he helped me confirm some things. I wrote messages to her and a mutual friend, I exposed her for what she really is. I am in the beginning and I am so scared. He came home last night even after I had sent him a text saying he wasn't welcome home. Whatever your belief system I believe God had a hand in him not getting that message. We talked and made some boundaries. I am perfectly ok with him sleeping beside me but I am so broken and I pray for the day he begins to realize what he has done. Thanks for listening.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-64161107932230854022017-08-11T18:40:45.419-04:002017-08-11T18:40:45.419-04:00Bella. I'm so sorry you are here but I hope we...Bella. I'm so sorry you are here but I hope we can help you through this hellish time. First off, His choice to cheat was his choice. It's not about you. Please believe me when I say that. No matter how bad things were between you two, him stepping out was the wrong thing to do. This is not about you. I so relate to your feelings of comparison to how he spoke to her verses how he speaks to you. I've had that conversation with my H and am fully aware that our relationship was stale to a certain extent. We've been together 24 years and that happens if you don't work at it but it's a combined effort. He has told me that chatting with her was new, fresh, and taboo. Add a stale relationship that he convinced himself was over, midlife and he was intoxicated with this new woman that offered him an effortless release. He admits that he has put virtually no effort in our relationship regarding keeping things zesty. <br /><br />You are a very strong woman to choose to stay and deal with this shit. Never doubt that. This isn't a walk in the park, ya know. And don't dismiss in the strength you have to stay.<br /><br />As far as sex, Elle wrote a post where she refers to it as hysterical bonding. It's like you're making up for lost time or something...at least it was like that here, and then it seems to fizzle out. I don't remember the exact reasons why that happens but it happens. Your H losing his mom could be part of the reason why he has slowed down. You've both been/are going through the ringer with the betrayal and the death of his mom could have knocked the stuffing out of him. I know the voice of suspicion is a chatty bitch and we all default to 'what if" thinking. It's all part of the shit storm. My suspicion is not at an "all consuming everyday level" but still present in my life. I'm 10 months out from D-Day 1 and 9 months out from D-Day 2. It takes time to restore any amount of trust. My H dragged his feet for 7.5 months before he realized that I will never "get over" this but rather get through it/learn to live with it, and he's been fully present for 6 weeks. I have very little trust/respect for the choice and steps he took, although I do admire/respect him for finally taking the steps to heal himself and deal the weight that he's carried around literally all his life. I don't take his choice personal any longer. It does me no good. I take responsibility for my shit, am learning and living in integrity. I never did anything to push him to take the steps he did and nether did you. Please believe in that. <br /><br />Educate yourself about what is happening. Read all that you can. It's helped me so much to read about, and understand, why he chose to cheat instead of talking about our issues. He has recently shared how horrible he feels that he has followed his bio dads steps by cheating, his step dads propensity for lying and how he blamed and punished me for everything. I knew I had damaged goods when I hooked up with the guy, but 23 years later I'm finding out some very heavy and dark shit about him. Spend time reflecting without blame if you can. Be kind with yourself. Be selfish and take care of you. Worship your badass self for choosing to stay and work on you and your relationship and know that you will get through this. I promise. Sending comforting hugs and love to you.Michelle (Oliveme)https://www.blogger.com/profile/03900006387862463633noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-9935868513062927722017-08-11T17:17:51.499-04:002017-08-11T17:17:51.499-04:00Jules. These wonderful women have offered up the b...Jules. These wonderful women have offered up the best advice possible. You are not crazy. Your life was turned upside down by your husbands lies and betrayal. That in it's self is enough to make you feel crazy, but then add anxiety, a grief so profound you don't think you'll ever get through it, him working with the OW, everything else and there are months, years, that you feel crazy cause it is crazy. You are trying to make sense of it all so you ask questions. Everything you've believed and were socially conditioned to believe has been crushed, including yourself and your sense of self. I felt bad for months every time I questioned him about the affair, cause he would act all butt hurt and indifferent, and then one day I stopped apologizing cause I remembered he created this madness and I didn't care if he felt uncomfortable. I found my voice and I learned to love hearing it. I still don't give a rats ass if he is uncomfortable. You need to just think about you and your level of comfort. This is part of the shit storm he created and he needs to deal with it so you can heal. Elle wrote and incredible post about the men dealing with it and here's the link....<br /><br />http://betrayedwivesclub.blogspot.com/2014/04/my-letter-to-husbands-just-talk-about.html<br /><br />Read it and if you think it will do your husband any good, have him read it. I know my H has this bookmarked in his kindle, along with other posts. Educating myself about what is happening to me has been a life saver. This blog is a life line. We are all here for you Jules. Sending comforting hugs and love to youMichelle (Oliveme)https://www.blogger.com/profile/03900006387862463633noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-64484862021216392042017-08-11T12:17:47.092-04:002017-08-11T12:17:47.092-04:00For those who have done it, how do you get past th...For those who have done it, how do you get past the "How could he do this to me? Why wasn't I important enough to matter? How can he say he's always loved me if he had multiple affairs? How do I believe him?"<br /><br />I found out 14 months ago that my husband was having 3 affairs at the same time. 2 of them he had sex with and 1 was just emails back and forth. I also found out that these affairs were going on for at least 3 years. All 3 women live in another country. He went twice in the past 3 years over there "to take care of his mom". Which I'm sure he did but obviously that wasn't the only thing he was doing. 14 months ago I found the secret email account he used with them everyday and that's how I found out. <br /><br />So it's been a little over a year. My family got involved and so did his family. He was humiliated. I saw him cry, sob really, for the first time in our relationship and it made me feel like he deserved a chance to change and fix his mistakes. <br /><br />But every. single. day. since then I think "Did I make a mistake? Society says I'm weak for giving him another chance. People say only insecure girls would keep a cheating husband. Does that make me weak then? But it takes so much strength everyday NOT to divorce him. It takes so much strength to try to forgive him. Should I have been harder on him? Should I have kicked him out for a while? Does he see me as his partner? Or is he doing the same BS behind my back?" These thoughts consume me. I don't feel like the same me anymore. I feel crazy! I also find myself comparing how he talks to me to how he talked to them in the emails. He was so affectionate with them and talked about wanting to have sex with them. Why isn't he like that with me then? He has done so much since D Day to show that he loves me. He's also answered every single question I had no matter how many times I asked the same things. And he was supportive, comforting, and remorseful. I don't want to keep making him feel bad by going over the same things over and over. It really messes with him when I talk about how damaged I am. He has told me how much it hurts him to see how much he hurt me but he will still listen to anything I want to say. But how many times can I tell him the same things? <br /><br />My 2nd question is did your husbands show more interest in you sexually after D Day? My H did in the beginning and now, a year later, it has fizzled down on his part. His mom passed away last month. When I asked him about why we don't have sex he said it's because he's sad. But that little devil voice in my head tells me "Are you sure that's the truth? What if he's just cheating again and lying to you. You don't really know. So here are a million reasons why you should doubt him and fell less confident about yourself"<br /><br />How do you get past that? I wish I could go to therapy but I can't afford it right now. How do I kill those detrimental thoughts that seem to rule my life? <br /><br />-BellaAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-62931595725011233132017-08-11T11:41:03.758-04:002017-08-11T11:41:03.758-04:00BeagleMom,
You see him as weak and pathetic becaus...BeagleMom,<br />You see him as weak and pathetic because he's acting weak and pathetic. Not attending your dad's memorial? Not talking with you because he doesn't want to "ruin the weekend"? Puh-leeze.<br />He might no longer be cheating but it seems he hasn't learned a bloody thing about why he cheated. He's still telling you, in many ways, that his needs matter more than your needs. And that's not healthy or sustainable.<br />The question is "what about me?" And it's a crucial question. He continues to expect you to deal with his cheating in a way that doesn't make him uncomfortable or put him in a situation he doesn't want to be in. BeagleMom, it's time for you to start fighting for yourself, to start treating yourself with respect. What do YOU want? If you want him in therapy in order to rebuild a healthy marriage, then insist on it as part of you staying with him. If you want him at an event, even if it makes him uncomfortable, then insist on it. This isn't about making HIS life easy (he made this choice, remember, not you), it's about him being willing to do the hard work of helping you heal from his betrayal. If he's not willing to do that, then he's showing you what the rest of your life will look like. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.com