tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post735021978236397978..comments2024-03-27T21:50:33.178-04:00Comments on Betrayed Wives' Club: Cultivating Hope When All Feels HopelessEllehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comBlogger45125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-59798381249444546682017-02-07T14:52:20.042-05:002017-02-07T14:52:20.042-05:00Still Standing and Brown eyed girl. I can't th...Still Standing and Brown eyed girl. I can't thank you enough for your up lifting words and loving support. It was nice to be at mom's. She gave me space when I needed it and hugged me while I cried. I spent a few days in bed thinking and reading and it was good medicine. I tried welbutrin with no success. It made me feel worse than I did but I realized that I don't really need it. I know my anxiety comes from the uncertainty of the future of my marriage and I realize that I will/can survive without him. My therapist really focused on that fact...that I am much stronger than I give myself credit for. I also now know that he is going through midlife so I did much reading today about it. I had no idea men experience midlife so differently than women and all the things he's been expressing to me about his confusion and the "black hole" he feels he's in puts all the disconnect and recent bullshit in a whole different light. Makes me feel empowered somehow. He's been asking me to come home everyday and this pasted weekend we had a good time together. We went wine tasting on saturday and I came home on Sunday and we did stuff around the house which is something we enjoy doing together. Yesterday at cc the therapist said "you can't work on the marriage and with each other if you aren't home" so I came home. It's been a peaceful few days. He's been more present and it's nice. I just have to learn to be me again and feel comfortable doing that around him...not worry whether he approves or not. I'm actually going out to get my hair cut in a few cause I need it bad and I'm happy to be doing it. One day, one moment at a time. Love to you allMichelle (Oliveme)https://www.blogger.com/profile/03900006387862463633noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-72939203868000029212017-02-03T11:44:07.299-05:002017-02-03T11:44:07.299-05:00This comment has been removed by the author.LizBhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03334157702862160992noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-23311891443795727422017-02-02T14:14:01.726-05:002017-02-02T14:14:01.726-05:00Olive Mee,
I think we are in a similar spot. I ...Olive Mee, <br /><br />I think we are in a similar spot. I too have been on sleeping pills for 3 months and finally caved and started bupropion and can't wait for it to kick in. CH has been doing all the right things: asked for forgiveness, took accountability, going to IC/MC, cried with me, etc. However, he has also broken my trust a few times since dday. And the betrayal was big & complicated. So I am still crying and in pain every day. I also realize at some point seeing me like this every day is going to hit a tipping point for one or both of us. I was one of the strongest got your $h!t people together I knew and it is what made me love myself and attracted my husband to me in the first place. Unfortunately as he started having his own issues my success also became the thing that made him feel inferior to me. Now after dday I am a shell of who I was. I don't know the person looking back at me in the mirror. <br /><br />I think I am finally beginning to have a deeper understanding from all these amazing women on here who advise us to take care of ourselves first. I have always put myself last. Putting myself first in this recovery has not been a priority for me yet. Try to take a walk, find one friend you can confide in, see your IC, take the meds, do nice things for yourself, pray. I know it's easier said than done (I am right there with you). I hope I can get to a day where I no longer physically feel my heart broken in two. <br /><br />Browneyedgirlnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-38491985647759560502017-02-02T12:35:51.778-05:002017-02-02T12:35:51.778-05:00Olive Mee, I'm so sorry for all the pain and d...Olive Mee, I'm so sorry for all the pain and darkness and anxiety. Can you imagine for yourself, that all of us here are standing around you holding you up? Lean back, we've got you.<br />What a brave, brave woman you are to decide to leave, even just for a while, to take the space you need to begin to think about recovery, whatever that may look like. Bravo for putting yourself and your needs first. That takes incredible strength and courage.<br />On your anxiety and sadness, please give yourself time and space to feel it, sit with it, experience it and let it works its way out of your body. Move slowly, be gentle with yourself. Meditate, walk, breathe but don't fight those uncomfortable feelings. You are having them for a reason. What wisdom do they have for you? Feeling them all the way through, grieving all the way through is the path to healing. Be as kind as you can with yourself, they way you'd treat your dearest friend if she were going through this. Much love, SSStill Standingnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-84291053628745485112017-02-02T08:53:14.291-05:002017-02-02T08:53:14.291-05:00Hi Phoenix - yes, we have been walking together fo...Hi Phoenix - yes, we have been walking together for quite a while and your faith and courage have often given me hope! Thank you for your support and kindness. Lots of love to you and your girls!!<br /><br />Becky Beckyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11509536058879775787noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-31734519767632992402017-02-02T07:47:00.213-05:002017-02-02T07:47:00.213-05:00Theresa, thanks for the lovely comment above. My h...Theresa, thanks for the lovely comment above. My husband chased me too, at the start (we met, he was 19, I, 20)and it wasn't plain sailing at the start either, we were friends, then dating, then I moved across the country and said we should leave it for a while etc etc. As you say, real relationships have a lot of normal and feeling irritated etc as well as long term closeness. And yes, the stresses add to tension between people and its been a rough few years outside the affair. It's good to hear your perspective on it all, it really helps. Fragments of Hopenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-21847245960894781792017-02-02T07:39:10.789-05:002017-02-02T07:39:10.789-05:00Hopeful 30, thanks, really great points there, my ...Hopeful 30, thanks, really great points there, my husband shuts down too with the emotion and he does feel really bad about it. Interesting to hear about doing love languages as a family, I think it would benefit my kids too to look at getting on as taking other's perspectives.Fragments of Hopenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-36087739613670707392017-02-02T07:33:09.304-05:002017-02-02T07:33:09.304-05:00You have nailed it exactly Elle! My husband does f...You have nailed it exactly Elle! My husband does feel intimidated and that he will make a mistake with the words or use the wrong ones. He says just that! I guess I'm not much good at fixing engines or writing software but I'm not under fire for that! Fragments of Hopenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-35374676242419062872017-02-02T06:07:07.592-05:002017-02-02T06:07:07.592-05:00Hope. I desperately need it. I feel so stuck in th...Hope. I desperately need it. I feel so stuck in this pain, sadness and anxiety. I want to so much to rise above it so I left home today to stay at my moms and give him and I a break from this darkness I feel stuck in. I went to the Dr and asked for wellbutrin and xanax to hold me over til the wellbutrin kicks in. I am so stuck and want to unstick so I can begin to heal. He is trying but my vision is blurred by the pain and it feels like it's not enough, and the cycle continues. A cycle I want to break. We both have work to do and me taking this step is a start. While I feel so sad at taking this step, I know it was what I needed to do for my salvation. He wept when I left and asked me to stay but I know in my heart I had to leave. Im going to therapy today as well. I hope she can give me some guideance to help me move forward to a more optimistic reality with or without him. All I know right now is anxiety and sadness and I'm so over that. I miss who I used to be and long to feel joy again.Michelle (Oliveme)https://www.blogger.com/profile/03900006387862463633noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-72456087686151738322017-02-02T06:00:58.710-05:002017-02-02T06:00:58.710-05:00Selkie 3 to 5 mo my h was also in the fog and i nu...Selkie 3 to 5 mo my h was also in the fog and i numb a deer in headlights I had enough give a shit about us and show it or lose it all! Worked on it daily lots of ups and downs id say it was at least 7 mo before it looked up and said I'm an idiot everything I wanted is here and then we began to walk slowly together before then I felt exactly like you. Listen to ur heart or sit idle until u feel u know the next right step without a participating husband things might be damn right impossible or at least they feel that way. Been there done that and u have a choice and voice everyday even if at first it feels uncomfortable... maybe if unsure take focus off him do you ... a pedicure a walk something!!! I'm rooting for u and at 21mo and just beginning to feel alot like me but also new and still dips in road. U get to decideWoundednoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-14651351789643398142017-02-02T05:53:28.042-05:002017-02-02T05:53:28.042-05:00Same ladies ... i recall earlier on telling myself...Same ladies ... i recall earlier on telling myself this sucks it's bad but somehow someway it could always be worse. Staying in the day helps now that I have better wits to focus. Still ups and downs but as long as I see efforts from us both .. im still here. Woundednoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-56703875802209846222017-02-01T22:06:21.557-05:002017-02-01T22:06:21.557-05:00I havent been back to my favorite place in awhile ...I havent been back to my favorite place in awhile and not at all since a ddayear where I learned he took her there one weekend this is not just our destination but where I spent family time as a kid. We toggle with going there i fear I might be triggered to give it up and ban it forever feels like a loss too ... afterall like my H and my favorite spot it has always been my she was just a temporary fixture and could have been anyone! But still the hurt shes been to my favorite place and done an activity we did together burns. Asshole ... it makes me mad to he was there last with her .. but whatever it sacked anyways everything that could go wrong did on their weekend away. Ha! Karma?Woundednoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-81984834921743288622017-02-01T12:54:44.365-05:002017-02-01T12:54:44.365-05:00Elle
I like that! We have different speeds on gett...Elle<br />I like that! We have different speeds on getting there! Theresahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11767712425596090138noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-86205169117061200072017-02-01T12:49:13.860-05:002017-02-01T12:49:13.860-05:00Selkie,
What do YOU want right now? Why are you co...Selkie,<br />What do YOU want right now? Why are you continuing to give him five MONTHS to decide if he wants to stay?What, exactly, is he doing to help with his decision? What is he waiting for? And what are YOU waiting for?<br />I can't help but worry that you've handed over your power and your agency to him. YOU get to decide what happens. If he can't figure it out, then maybe he needs a little push off that fence. If you're letting him stay out of fear, then that's only setting you up for a fearful position in your marriage. You can't control him, Selkie, but you can control you. And you deserve much more consideration and respect than this. Hope isn't about crossing your fingers and waiting. It's really about creating the circumstances to help bring about what you want in life. <br />Of course, you're lonely and of course, you're sad. And I don't want to bring you down. I just want you to fight like hell for yourself. You are a loyal wonderful wife who deserves so much better than this. <br />Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-4801307231022099212017-02-01T12:42:13.390-05:002017-02-01T12:42:13.390-05:00I would describe myself the same way. I was an opt...I would describe myself the same way. I was an optimist -- even ridiculously so. Now, I'm a skeptical optimist. People need to work a bit harder for my loyalty. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-14545837741660213402017-02-01T12:40:58.204-05:002017-02-01T12:40:58.204-05:00Maiden, That's a really incredible thing to no...Maiden, That's a really incredible thing to notice -- that those feelings are about the past, not the present. And that, by holding back on lashing out, you're reclaiming control. <br />You will one day carry the scar but it won't crush you or define you. It will be something that happened to you. Something that you had the strength and the wisdom to survive. <br />Start today by giving yourself that pat on the back. None of this is easy. But you're handling it with dignity and courage. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-90805134108364961742017-02-01T12:38:46.474-05:002017-02-01T12:38:46.474-05:00Beach Girl,
As painful as those experiences are, I...Beach Girl,<br />As painful as those experiences are, I do think that, as you express that pain and move through it, it takes you further toward healing. It's so hard to believe but you won't always feel this way about that scenery and that place. You might come to, some day, reclaim it. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-75232087903766133742017-02-01T12:36:10.009-05:002017-02-01T12:36:10.009-05:00FOH,
My husband gets really frustrated with my abi...FOH,<br />My husband gets really frustrated with my ability to express myself so I wonder if it's similar with your husband. When we have such facility with words, it can be intimidating. My husband feels as though he can't find the right words and then I pounce because I'm soooo precise in my own words. It has taken us time to just go easy on each other, to realize that we both, ultimately, want the same thing. WE just have different speeds on getting there.Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-37010521772813873522017-02-01T07:59:23.336-05:002017-02-01T07:59:23.336-05:00Fragments of hope
I understand those feelings well...Fragments of hope<br />I understand those feelings well. I too have confidence when I'm around my children and friends. I feel like me. The me that isn't needy as you feel.? I feel overly needy with regards to my h as well. If he could pursue another woman chase her for sex, by God I deserve some of that kind of attention too. Not realistic in our relationship. We've been together too long for romantic games. My h chased me in our dating years. We were together since I was 15. I told him to take a hike several times in those dating years. However, he could always sweet talk his way back into my life then. He had the right words as a desparate teenager. In the early months post dday, he found the right words to give me hope to continue our marriage. Now, his words have dried up again. We discuss the foods we eat. I still do most of the shopping cooking and cleaning. He still works, I'm retired. We are finding new things to do together but the easy banter and teasing we used to share is strained. His fear of triggering me. That's happened several times. While I'm not having the stress you have with your son, I'm stressing through the care of dementia with my mother. These stresses add tension to an already stressed marriage. It takes work everyday to keep the peace. I love my h but there are also times when I can't stand to be in the same space with him. I reflect back and I realize there were always those kinds of feelings in the past as well. They aren't directly caused by the affair. Just part of the day to day stress of marriage no matter how good a marriage is. Usually I can get through these stressful days digging dirt/weeds in my garden. Or lose myself in a watercolor painting. But sometimes, I just have to let it out in tears. Like you, I'm hopeful with time this gets easier. Hugs!Theresahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11767712425596090138noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-53109134671916509722017-01-31T22:08:05.098-05:002017-01-31T22:08:05.098-05:00Becky, you are amazing. We've been walking tog...Becky, you are amazing. We've been walking together on this road for some time now, and it makes my heart so glad to hear your words of hope, to know that you are on the path to healing. You are such a strong and beautiful person. Thank you for your positive message!Phoenixhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13408004849930367780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-40733932312283761942017-01-31T19:42:26.291-05:002017-01-31T19:42:26.291-05:00Thank you Sisters,
I think we all learn that this...Thank you Sisters,<br /><br />I think we all learn that this journey often includes some hard fought battles with ourselves. Let's never give up the high ground where hope is always there to give us reinforcements!! <br /><br />Love and support sisters <br />Becky Beckyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11509536058879775787noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-63140255636419145872017-01-31T18:55:40.337-05:002017-01-31T18:55:40.337-05:00This was exactly what I needed to read at this mom...This was exactly what I needed to read at this moment. Crying and feeling so lost and rejected after yet another mealy-mouthed non-conversation with my h who still (five months on) "can't decide" whether to stay or leave. Hope, which had been my one link to calmness, was flickering low. Elle's post, Becky's encouraging update and all your comments have lifted me up again. I don't feel so lonely any more. I'm still very sad, but I also have tulips on my kitchen table (and a few little shoots poking up in a pot outside).Selkienoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-49007061394133066722017-01-31T15:02:25.692-05:002017-01-31T15:02:25.692-05:00I feel like many times I have to make the choice f...I feel like many times I have to make the choice for hope. I have always by nature been a very optimistic person. I would say this betrayal has made me more skeptical but not pessimistic. I try to keep that perspective and move towards optimism as much as possible.Hopeful 30noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-56127033669737382292017-01-31T15:00:16.826-05:002017-01-31T15:00:16.826-05:00FOH, I think Elle's advice is excellent. I thi...FOH, I think Elle's advice is excellent. I think for us it really was two pronged. We both needed to work on ourselves. I had to face all of the disappointment, sadness, hurt and pain. He had a lot more work to do facing all of that plus letting me down, plus changing how he lived many aspects of his life. Then I would say since about 15-18 months past dday it has been more about us. His issues I would say still come up since they are connected and come out from time to time. I think though as we got to 18 months past dday we had a major discussion since at that time I needed more. After dday his efforts were good but once we had more time under our belts I really needed him to step up more. Also I found as we were past our weekly talks it left me feeling like I was floundering. So we have made an effort to still talk but more focused on us and our marriage now. That has helped me a lot.<br /><br />We did take the love language quiz online and my kids did too. So we looked at it more as a family. To me it was all obvious but I think it allows people to see how they interact with each other and to not feel disappointed if someone is not giving them what they need. My kids have total opposite 1 and 5 languages. It was very useful for them to see that. As kids being egocentric and wanting what they want they can see why each other is the way they are. <br /><br />In the end it has just taken me time. My therapist said that my husband had to deal with and basically accommodate any of my needs or requests. Of course he suggested finding a positive way to interact but if that meant no golfing or hanging out with friends for two years then that is what it takes. Basically he said he has had a lifetime of trust and getting to do what he wanted and he was the one that ruined it and gave it up. So now if he wants this to work between us then he will have to sacrifice. In time things will loosen up but really it is up to us. I found talking with my husband in as neutral/non emotional way helped him process. If I am emotional, upset or crying he shuts down. Even more so with this topic since he feels he is the cause of it all which he is. <br /><br />Coming on here is excellent but if you are feeling stuck at all or like you need more help I think a therapist is so helpful. It was my lifeline and gave me the courage to be more assertive and speak up for myself. It was the best decision I made.Hopeful 30noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-23357438400883223822017-01-31T14:07:33.548-05:002017-01-31T14:07:33.548-05:00You seem to have the perfect words for me today El...You seem to have the perfect words for me today Elle. <br /><br />I am in a place where moving forward is more of a goal than striking back. But that's not to say the urge isn't there. Daily I fight the urge to lash out. Most days now tho it's just an urge and it passes. Some days it's stronger and harder to shake off and focus. <br /><br />Today I am just taking life for what it is right now, in this moment.<br /><br />I am learning that when the switch gets flipped and the anger and hurt and desperation take over, that those are feelings that are not for today. And the fact that I can even say that gives me hope. Not hope for a happy fairytale ending, but hope for myself. Maybe I will one day be able to carry this scar without it crushing me and defining me. <br /><br />One day I hope that I look back at myself right now and give myself a big pat on the back for not giving up. <br /><br />Today I can say with certainty that I know this was not my fault. I cannot say I feel beautiful or confident... I cannot say that everything is going to be alright. I can say that I have surprised myself and am proud of myself for being stronger than I ever thought I could be. <br /><br />So I guess hope finds a way to make its presence known. <br /><br /><br />Namaste <br /><br /><br />Maiden of the shieldnoreply@blogger.com