tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post7883641530077114690..comments2024-03-17T12:13:33.772-04:00Comments on Betrayed Wives' Club: Revenge Is Rarely SweetEllehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comBlogger13125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-14086486298017704132012-05-09T09:34:08.645-04:002012-05-09T09:34:08.645-04:00The thing is...you could never trust him in the fi...The thing is...you could never trust him in the first place. But you did. And that was a choice based on a belief that he wouldn't lie and deceive, despite knowing that all people are capable of that. Now he's shown that your trust in him was misplaced. If he wants to be trusted...and you want to be able to trust him, he needs to show you every single day with every single choice he makes that your trust is well-placed in him. It takes a lot of time...you need to see again and again and again that he is where he says he is, with who he says he's with, doing what he says he's doing. In other words, he needs to be someone who's true to his word, no matter what. No little white lies. No lies by omission. <br />In the long run, he'll be a better person for living that way. And you'll have learned a really tough lesson and that is that the only person we can every truly trust is ourselves. We can never ever know that another person would never lie to us or deceive us. We choose to trust that we're safe with that person...but trust is like faith. It relies on a belief in something we can never know for sure.<br />For now, ask him if he's willing to do what it takes to earn back your trust (which is so much harder than simply accepting someone's trust in the first place). And ask yourself if you're willing to give him the chance to prove to you that he's a better person now. And then, if the answer to both questions is "yes", give it time and the opportunity to unfold. In the immortal words of another Betrayed Wife, "Trust...but verify." Check his cell phone, if necessary. Look at his computer history. Confirm with friends. Do what you need to do to ensure that he is telling the truth. You won't need to do it forever...but do it for as long as necessary. And he's doing to have to accept that by lying and deceiving you, he lost the right to total privacy. If he can't give that up...then there's your answer.<br />ElleEllehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-36387050108030914032012-05-09T09:03:05.794-04:002012-05-09T09:03:05.794-04:00My question is how can you ever trust him again, w...My question is how can you ever trust him again, when there were so many lies and deceptions?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-36043150080958745822012-05-01T12:11:50.836-04:002012-05-01T12:11:50.836-04:00Elle:
Could not say it better...you summed it all...Elle:<br /><br />Could not say it better...you summed it all up on just how I feel......and the sad thing is , I do not think I will ever truly know (if I would be better with him or without)....I do believe happiness is a choice...just wish i did not have to keep telling myself that over and over and over again!<br />I do believe that I 'know' myself in a way I did not before the affair....I kind-of like who I am (other then the above mentioned struggle).....so where does that put me? Not sure....other then to say I am putting one foot in front of the other...taking care of me...not looking at others to fulfill me...finding ways to laugh and smile and enjoy.<br /><br />~~ SAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-59763578527556917372012-05-01T03:14:52.537-04:002012-05-01T03:14:52.537-04:00i see the same things...we didn't have a solid...i see the same things...we didn't have a solid marriage to begin with. And man, I can see how I was trying to manipulate his love into what i thought i needed. we were both so weird.<br /><br />thanks for indulging my top ten! lolScabshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13738638161899826056noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-40750192047864607212012-04-29T22:10:29.505-04:002012-04-29T22:10:29.505-04:00Am I happy? Some days, yes; others day, no. But I ...Am I happy? Some days, yes; others day, no. But I can't help but wonder whether I'd feel that way no matter what. My mom died. I lost my closest friend. I feel somewhat adrift in my career. It's impossible to separate out how much of my struggle is just...life. It's easy some days to think that, if I was with someone else...or on my own, I'd be happier. But that's the kind of thinking that gets people into affairs. I think happiness is a choice. Circumstances can make it easier, I suppose. But a miserable person will find a way to be miserable no matter what. And a happy one will find a way to be happy.<br />Not sure if that's an answer or an evasion...<br />:)<br /><br />ElleEllehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-10545160285251292652012-04-29T16:28:14.550-04:002012-04-29T16:28:14.550-04:00#1 is a Biggie! Richard was fixated on #1 for the...#1 is a Biggie! Richard was fixated on #1 for the longest time! If I wanted to talk about the affair, if I was asking questions about what he did, before he would answer he would say, "Do you want to know this because the answer will help our marriage?" I would tell him yes, but most of the time I asked for details just to fuel my anger. Had to top off the tank. Keep my fury running strong because I was not gonna wallow in self-pity! (I tried to be such a toughie-pants! Geez!)<br />Even now, he is fine with my blog because he knows it is helping me heal and that is good for our marriage.<br />Once I gave up on the revenge thing, I realized his question was crucial. Did I want to save our marriage? Writing my blog & the Healing Heart message boards helped me realize...yep, I really do.<br /><br />Elle: I have another question for you. It really is a question that all of us in the club should ask ourselves. Are you happy? And if not, what would make you happy?<br /><br />Hope & Hugs, Shawn<br />http://ayearaftertheaffair.blogspot.com/shawnthewifehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12655900090203024578noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-41412319910248151602012-04-28T17:56:44.232-04:002012-04-28T17:56:44.232-04:00Frankly, I'm not sure if my marriage has survi...Frankly, I'm not sure if my marriage has survived. Legally it has. Emotionally...well, still figuring that one out. Our sex life is non-existent...and though I would say we're friends, it frequently doesn't feel like we're partners. We're working on that part with our marriage counsellor. And perhaps that's part of it -- we only recently (last fall) found a marriage counsellor whom we felt comfortable with and think she's really helping. But it's a long road...and we spent a long time simply getting from one day to the next. <br />Nonetheless, I will create a post on how to at least keep your marriage legally intact, which allows you to work on the rest. <br />It is tough. Marriage itself is really tough. Factor in infidelity and the post-trauma that creates for the betrayed spouse and it can take years and years to rebuild a healthy relationship...if you even had a healthy one in the first place (which I'm learning I didn't). We may have looked good on the outside, but our marriage was shaky was the start. So now it's really a matter of building a solid foundation. Not easy with all the baggage we need to let go of.<br />But here's a start:<br />#1: You have to both commit to putting the relationship first. Before your needs, before his needs...you serve the needs of the relationship, almost as if it's a child you're both nurturing. Once that is in place, you're far more free to hash stuff out without fear that one of you has one foot out the door.<br />#2 through #10 to come...<br />ElleEllehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-91131176864718827862012-04-28T01:38:03.284-04:002012-04-28T01:38:03.284-04:00Elle, i'm dying to know cause it sounds like n...Elle, i'm dying to know cause it sounds like not only did u heal from the infidelity but your marriage healed too.<br /><br />If you could pare it down to the top 10 concepts, actions, whatever that healed youre marriage. What would they be?<br /><br />It's so hard to find a healthy surviving marriage and i'm looking for some help.Scabshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13738638161899826056noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-82566145028014615222012-04-27T20:40:26.382-04:002012-04-27T20:40:26.382-04:00I think you made the right choice. :)I think you made the right choice. :)Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-6588997304759307022012-04-27T18:37:52.338-04:002012-04-27T18:37:52.338-04:00I explored the idea. My spouse cheated with lots ...I explored the idea. My spouse cheated with lots of Asian prostitutes and i wondered if an orgy of Asian gigolos would make me feel better...but in the end. I've kept my dignity. No regrets. :)Scabshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13738638161899826056noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-62298324580653463722012-04-26T15:30:38.399-04:002012-04-26T15:30:38.399-04:00Shawn,
On the one hand, I thoroughly admire your c...Shawn,<br />On the one hand, I thoroughly admire your chutzpa. I wish I had a bit more of that!<br />On the other...a restraining order? I can't imagine an orange jumpsuit and shackles flatters anyone's complexion! <br />Glad you abandoned the dark side in favor of healing. While I think a certain amount of plotting is almost inevitable...and at least it keeps your mind nimble rather than numb with pain...you're right: We can never truly even the score. <br />Thanks for sharing your thoughts...and hard-won wisdom.<br />ElleEllehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-47298392409094160092012-04-26T11:39:42.206-04:002012-04-26T11:39:42.206-04:00Never heard of REVENGE sites! The first year afte...Never heard of REVENGE sites! The first year after DDay, I could have been the Queen of a revenge site! But, really, when you're hell bent on revenge...who needs a web site? I have always had a wicked, vengeful streak. WH knew that. If you hurt me or one of my peeps, you better be ready to rumble!<br /><br />I spent hours thinking up ways to make OW's life miserable. Thought about that almost as much as I thought about her doing my WH. Worked myself right into a restraining order.<br />Threw down with WH more times than I can remember...but the worst time was when I went into his office yelling, "WHO HERE KNEW WH WAS F***ing OW??" So not attractive.<br /><br />My point...even if I was the ultimate evil genious, I could never find a way to hurt them the way they hurt me. Took me over a year to figure that one out. <br />My energy is much better spent healing myself, than damaging them.<br />Hope & Hugs, Shawn<br />http://ayearaftertheaffair.blogspot.com/shawnthewifehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12655900090203024578noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-34671032163262065552012-04-26T04:53:34.769-04:002012-04-26T04:53:34.769-04:00They say revenge is a dish best eaten cold - but e...They say revenge is a dish best eaten cold - but even then, it's not something I have any appetite for.<br /><br />One usually lives to regret actions taken in anger. Far better to sit back and let karma have its effect.<br /><br />As for revenge sites? One word - undignified.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com