tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post8797836909919902552..comments2024-03-17T12:13:33.772-04:00Comments on Betrayed Wives' Club: Responding to the Other Woman: Elle UnleashedEllehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comBlogger74125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-78538718097956585552021-05-22T12:17:00.358-04:002021-05-22T12:17:00.358-04:00What a great post and I am in full agreement. But...What a great post and I am in full agreement. But having been OW once, I wish to add my thoughts. Reconnected with a college love, separated by parents and youth. He was recently remarried (6 mos) and new wife was still not living in his state nor having regular sex). We began a whirlwind 9 mo. affair which ended abruptly upon her finding his phone with messages. She harassed me, until I blocked her. We had been old childhood romance friends from the same small town. The affair started because we were both lonely, familiar with the same old attraction and he was without sex from a newly married wife and realized he had made a mistake before me. He attempted contact again, I refused. He was in a high level military position with much at stake, and I let him go. She had children, divorced 3 times and he had none. So, sometimes the OW does the right thing when no one else does. We all still go back home to the same small town for reunions, memorials, etc. I make a point to avoid them. Sign me: 7 years ago Still Single and in Pain ForeverAnonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01965369914298576131noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-84858174674181362392020-10-03T01:44:38.581-04:002020-10-03T01:44:38.581-04:00People need to understand that it requires TWO peo...People need to understand that it requires TWO people to make a marriage work. Almost any problem CAN be worked out, but only if BOTH parties are willing to do the work. When I got married, I intended it to be forever. I worked HARD for a VERY long time to repair our problems. He, however, wasn't willing to work on himself. I found myself in a situation where my only options were to live in a toxic and unhappy situation for the rest of my life or leave. So I left. It wasn't easy and I didn't take it lightly.I was emotionally traumatized by his uncontrollable cheating habit,he lied to the point i was seen as a BAD wife,all thanks to 'hackingloop6@gmail . c o m' for their investigative and hacking service that helped me gain access to all his phone activities remotely and expo0sed all he was doing behind my back.It really takes two positive minds to make marriage work.People need to understand that it requires TWO people to make a marriage work. Almost any problem CAN be worked out, but only if BOTH parties are willing to do the work. When I got married, I intended it to be forever. I worked HARD for a VERY long time to repair our problems. He, however, wasn't willing to work on himself. I found myself in a situation where my only options were to live in a toxic and unhappy situation for the rest of my life or leave. So I left. It wasn't easy and I didn't take it lightly.I was emotionally traumatized by his uncontrollable cheating habit,he lied to the point i was seen as a BAD wife,all thanks to 'hackingloop6@gmail . c o m' for their investigative and hacking service that helped me gain access to all his phone activities remotely and expo0sed all he was doing behind my back.It really takes two positive minds to make marriage work.You can also reach hackinloop on +1 712 292-2655.Wholsomehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07842023347522615909noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-82008234238947341302020-01-19T02:46:34.045-05:002020-01-19T02:46:34.045-05:00Smug. The wife doesn't know this woman and vi...Smug. The wife doesn't know this woman and vice versa. They are just like anyone else. Some are skanks and some are sweethearts. The other woman doesn't want what the wife has. The wife has a cheating husband.electricpuddinghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13270340784306219454noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-47890023768858013092019-05-30T03:14:29.622-04:002019-05-30T03:14:29.622-04:00I was the other woman, he was with his girlfriend ...I was the other woman, he was with his girlfriend of 3 yrs and decided to start dating me. The thing is, why was she ok with it. She knew, she chose to ignore it. He eventually chose me. Though, I feel she was the other woman because she was complicit in the sit9and I didn't know, why would any woman allow herself to be an option. A back up plan ?! No no no. I'm no one's second choice. The OW are apparently ok with this. I don't get it.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-447831351158025152017-10-02T20:50:44.351-04:002017-10-02T20:50:44.351-04:00I had a guy give me a black guy once. The relation...I had a guy give me a black guy once. The relationship ended right there. Anytime a man is physically abusive to a woman and she takes him back the message to him at that point is it's okay. When you take back a cheating spouse you're telling him the same thing. It's okay to cheat. It's okay to lie. So the next time he cheats blame yourself. Don't blame The Other Woman. The moment you tell a man something is okay, I don't care how much hell you put him through, the only message he's getting is it's okay to do it.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-76895734860915824952016-04-13T23:10:04.247-04:002016-04-13T23:10:04.247-04:00I totally respect your comments but I stand by min...I totally respect your comments but I stand by mine and I stand by my way of thinking. If anyone had ever told me I'd wind up asthe other woman myself I would've never believed them.<br /><br /> My father married his other woman and she was the best thing that was ever added to our family. My mother was unkind emotionally selfish and felt the household revolved around her. My father and stepmother have been married 34 years and I always tell him thank you for giving me a mom.<br /><br /> I have learned that how we meet people isn't always the greatest concern. In my opinion the bigger concern is what are our intentions.<br /><br /> That is an individual choice and we can debate character all we want. But having sat on both sides of the table I have learned so much. And I think the biggest thing I have learned is you can't force anyone to do something they don't want to do. And right behind that I have learned that we often choose to be victims by constantly taking back someone into a relationship that probably should have ended.<br /><br /> I realize I played victim partly out of my own choice. And after having pursued a relationship in all the ways that people told me I was supposed to pursue one i.e. the guy should be single available preferably never married you should be highly educated fully employed blah blah I did all that.<br /><br /> I have made too many errors in my life to judge how anyone chooses to find a mate. But I do know that most of us choose to be a victim myself included partly out of fear of being single out of fear of finances and for those who have children out of fear of being a one parent household and the list goes on and on.<br /><br /> How we met is not important. But the best thing That being on both sides of the table has done for me is it has actually helped to heal me yes it really has. Because now I see how I contributed to my own pain being married to a serial cheater but I also see how I was in deep denial about my marriage and that it truly only existed on paper.<br /><br /> I won't debate with anyone what is right or wrong ... But I realize now that no one owns anyone and we are with people by choice. And if we choose to take someone back Who we know keeps stepping out on us then we are choosing to be victims and we do this by blaming someone else.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-21453864520145389712016-04-11T13:45:23.934-04:002016-04-11T13:45:23.934-04:00That you're willing to participate in the deli...That you're willing to participate in the deliberate deception of another person is revealing. That's you're able to do the mental gymnastics required to convince yourself that you have no culpability reveals more.<br />I suspect your cynicism is a mask for the hurt and disappointment you have in your own life. But without a willingness to excavate that and move forward with integrity, I'm sure life won't offer you much more than people who confirm your cynical world view to you. <br />As for whether you're a PhD or a waitress, any "Other Woman" who knows she's part of hurting someone else is cut from exactly the same cloth. This isn't about education, it's about character.Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-34785591587484428352016-04-06T13:31:38.311-04:002016-04-06T13:31:38.311-04:00Part 2 ... Time together does NOT owe you a lifeti...Part 2 ... Time together does NOT owe you a lifetime commitment to anyone - NOPE. Legal obligations .. yes... (bills /child care /etc.) But time and materialistic wealth does NOT owe you a lifetime of "we are not compatible but you still OWE me!"<br /><br /><br />Here is the bottom line - NO ONE (myself included when I was married) really wants to get to the root of the marriage problem... "Do we want to be married still to each other? Is serial cheating just a part of your desired life style?" <br /><br />These are pushed off by "staying together for the kids" and hiding behind the kids ... and since you can't blame the kids blame the OW.<br /><br />In reality - A dysfunctional marriage takes TWO people ... the husband and wife - one has to do the cheating and the other (victim ) has to welcome them back even when they find out over and over again they cheat. <br /><br />Eventually something will break it - and that is where the OW comes in and now SHE is the one at fault.<br /><br /> No... my husband's new wife (the OW) is NOT at fault... my husband and I were for being in a play called "marriage" where we were just acting the roles of man / wife... but neither of us really wanted to address the elephant in the room.... "Do we love EACH OTHER ... do we desire similar lifestyles?" not "Do you love the OW."<br /><br />The OW is just a mirror of yours (and what was mine) dysfunctional marriage to a serial cheater. And while I'm now an OW myself ... I can tell you there is no right or wrong to a marriage.. it is what works for the two people in the marriage... and if it doesn't work.. FIX IT or end it. Don't blame. I blamed - I sure did. And now... I see ... there are truly two sides to a story... and I realize that sometimes we are not meant to be with ONE person our ENTIRE LIFE ... from age 20 plus on ... but if we are .. great. ... then we will BOTH have that view and the OW won't even be a factor because he won't be on websites looking for "her" ... <br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-27177114926943782862016-04-06T13:27:59.439-04:002016-04-06T13:27:59.439-04:00I have been the wife (15 years) and the OW ... in ...I have been the wife (15 years) and the OW ... in that exact order. I'm nearly 50 and as a result I'm UNIQUELY (or maybe not so) qualified to speak my mind on the topic. <br /><br />First, having been married 15 years to a SERIAL cheater ... my views on marriage are forever changed - not for the better or worse .. they are simply "different" from how I used to view marriage. <br /><br />I think there is too much "possessiveness" of "MY husband ..." (or my wife... but we'll stick to husband for this blog / situation) ... when in reality we are each individual and we CHOOSE to be with someone. There is no such thing as "Hands off MY man..." he isn't yours. Nope. (And remember, I've BEEN the wife - 15 years ... loving /devoted). But we're taught "this person is OURS because they PROMISED US THE REST OF THEIR LIFE.<br /><br />Having been (and currently am) the OW... the marriage (lack of trust in husband / wife) has ZIP to do with the OW .. ZIP. And btw.. my spouse LEFT ME and MARRIED his OW> (Like I said... I'm uniquely qualified here to speak from BOTH sides of the table - and no one can convince me I'm not.)<br /><br />Here is how I see it and the way it was with my SERIAL cheating husband.... a SERIAL cheater is WAY different from the "oops.. ONE TIME .... affair cheater." <br /><br />A serial cheater ... this is their LIFESTYLE - if you can't live with the LIFE STYLE of infidelity DIVORCE - period!!! Do NOT blame the OW .. .it is not her fault for a LIFESTYLE that you have in your marriage that one of you does't like. TALK WITH EACH OTHER. <br /><br />If it is a ONE TIME incident ... still .. sorry... no blame on the OW either (and yup - I did lots of blaming .. and now realize it was MISDIRECTED... it should have been FULLY on my SERIAL cheating husband).<br /><br />I now view marriages as more desirable if they are OPEN - and quite frankly that is where my next marriage will be. Take the "cheating/ I own you .. you're MY MAN .. etc." OFF the table.... you are an individual - so is "your" man. <br /><br />His wife has called me 15 times (couple hang-ups ... a few v/m) and what does she expect me to do / say? Sure .. you can talk to me but you may feel WORSE (I wrote my ex-husband's OW a letter - ask me how good that worked? Like I said.. I've been on BOTH sides of the table.)<br /><br />I more attractive, more fit, more educated (like in nearly Ph.D. level) than the wife. I have my own retirement, I'm financially independent, zero credit card bills ... no kids ... in other words - your competition is not necessarily the "ho wearing slutty clothes..." it may actually be a very professional woman who... guess what.. may be a BETTER personality match AT THIS point in life than you and your spouse turned out to be after 15+ years together. <br /><br />Be prepared for that if you call her (When I knew about my exhusband’s OW .. I knew RIGHT THEN she was a better match than I was - yup .. hard to admit .. but I knew why he liked / loved her.) Are you ready for that? Because that MAY be the hard honest truth. <br /><br /> (part 2 is next)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-36273063642064217992016-02-02T14:15:24.045-05:002016-02-02T14:15:24.045-05:00Well said! I am in total agreement with every word...Well said! I am in total agreement with every word. This broken woman went out of her way to sleep with my husband and laughed at it when she was confronted. I know my husband stepped out on our marriage but it was not him alone that woman is to be blamed 100℅ too. The sad thing is that she works for Orange County public schools in Orlando interacting with our children.Very angry wifehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08821266790871150683noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-66550335187169702732015-10-08T18:25:50.938-04:002015-10-08T18:25:50.938-04:00I, too, was hit upon often. My response was, &quo...I, too, was hit upon often. My response was, "OK. If it's OK with your wife & OK with my husband, it's OK with me. Let's call them"! It never went further than that. If only my H & the OW had my convictions!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-61391157870967058022015-09-01T04:51:51.950-04:002015-09-01T04:51:51.950-04:00Hello Ellie. I'm not the ow I'm actually t...Hello Ellie. I'm not the ow I'm actually the fiance. We have a son, I recently caught my SO cheating. He said it was because he was high and addicted to drugs. He works away from home. He gave me access to his phone and bank. However I find on my phone a message from ow. And tells me he called her but wouldn't give me the number he called her from. He also changed his bank pass code. She kept going around and around even asked me for his number so she could call him and the she would show me the log to prove they matched. I said it should be there anyway. I wanted to believe my SO but he changed his passwords... But she wouldn't tell me the number. The tells me to stop texting her like I contacted her. What do I do!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-79002924649955102302014-11-03T13:42:59.571-05:002014-11-03T13:42:59.571-05:00Dany,
You're in a really unhealthy relationshi...Dany,<br />You're in a really unhealthy relationship. Unless your husband is willing to establish NO CONTACT with this woman and give you access to all passwords, etc. so that you can check his phone/computer, you can't really know. And even then, he can establish other accounts. <br />Are you and your husband in counselling? Is he truly remorseful and willing to do whatever it takes to earn back your trust? Is he willing to go into counselling himself to understand why he did this?<br />Without a genuine commitment to the marriage -- and to whatever it takes to rebuild the marriage -- there's little chance of ensuring this doesn't happen again. While I don't think you necessarily have to move, I do think it's important for you to determine what you need to heal from this betrayal and then to take steps to keep yourself safe and secure.Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-45166896965219363722014-10-28T17:03:11.017-04:002014-10-28T17:03:11.017-04:00I have been married for almost 8 years in January ...I have been married for almost 8 years in January my husband started cheating on me with his coworker I just found out in April he would just tell me lies so I confronted the ow and she said that they were just friends a week after I found the text messages saying I love you and naked pic she send him!! She was a liar like my husband my husband ask me to forgive him and I did because I love him and we have a 3 year old son! ! She got pregnant with the boyfriend and then she lost it in august and she quit the job I was relieve because I thought it ended!! in September I found out more emails they were sending each other! ! It broke my heart my husband even cry and asked me for forgiveness I did because again I love him and I think about our son but he lied to much to me and I can't trust him anymore! ! My sister in law keeps telling me to move to SC where she lives I think it's a good idea but at same time I don't want to leave my house my job and everything else because of this women! ! He send an email to the wo ending everything she thought it was me and said to my husband that she didn't wanted to deal with bi*** of wife!! Really after all she is making me go through I'm the bit**?? How can I be sure it ended and how can I deal with this feelings how can I be sure my husband loves me and not her?? This is very hard!Danynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-41492185451768816632014-05-20T10:12:31.720-04:002014-05-20T10:12:31.720-04:00Wow. I honestly don't know what to say. The gu...Wow. I honestly don't know what to say. The guy sounds like a loose cannon, which is always a bit disconcerting.<br />I'm confused a bit about the on-again/off-again ten-year affair. You were with this guy for 10 years? Huh?<br />In any case, it sounds as if this guy lied to you about his marriage, lied to his wife about his affair. I'm generally an 'honesty is the best policy" type of person because I think lies always come back to bite you in the ass. Your husband knows the truth, his wife now knows the truth. All you can really do is hope that she's not vindictive so I was do my best to not piss her off. Apologize for your part in her misery, ask her to please respect your choice to move forward in your life, make it clear that you did NOT know he was married, and then hope for the best. You might want to consult a lawyer because I have no idea whether she can do anything with the photos/info she has about you but forewarned is forearmed. <br />In the meantime, stay out of her marriage. He is clearly a jerk. But you've got your own family to protect as does she.<br /><br />ElleEllehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-13086886082471427112014-05-19T18:53:11.492-04:002014-05-19T18:53:11.492-04:00Ok I have a different situation. Met a guy in 200...Ok I have a different situation. Met a guy in 2003 who did not say he was married. I was married at the time but separated my husband was being totally abusive. The guy and I were friends only for almost a year without any intimacy. We were intimate a few times when I got pregnant. Approached him with the pregnancy and then he sprung on me he was not only married but going through IVF treatments with his spouse. So he told me he would not judge me if I had an abortion. His thoughts not mine, I would never do that. Anyway, ended up telling my husband of my mistake and we worked through it and had the baby. Somewhere around 2006 the guy calls me to apologize and desperately sorry he and he hoped I had the baby and that it was my husbands. He had a baby with his wife during this time. Anyway, long story short the baby is legally my husbands but not biologically which my husband knows. The other guy comes in and out of my life every year wanting to know about my son. Told his sister of the affair and my son. Fast forward to 2013, he contacted me several times and I did not respond at all. No text, emails etc. He sends a note saying my son is a blessing from GOD and he wants to know about him and how can he be in his life without hurting my family or his. I texted the wife and told her he was having an on and off again affair for 10 years and has another son 3 months older than hers. Supposedly he told her I was a one night stand and he nothing about this other son. Which infuriated me so I sent her an email stating he did not want her and I to ever talk and if she wanted to know the truth contact me. Finally, he tells me she knows everything and has photos of me and my family so I contacted her again to see if this was true and if so not to publish or do anything with the photos in order to protect my son. I will be the first to admit what I did was wrong I should have been divorced first and I feel terrible and for the pain I caused my husband but we have worked things out and have two beautiful children. We don't want this jackass in our life but at the same time what he has done and the lies I want so bad for his wife to know not to hurt her b/c from what I gather she is nice but very naïve. What type of jerk lies about being married and has another baby while you are going through IVF and then wants you to have an abortion to cover his tracks. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-79635228389524421752014-05-15T09:00:48.192-04:002014-05-15T09:00:48.192-04:00Wow. Woe to the fool who messes with you!
You'...Wow. Woe to the fool who messes with you!<br />You're clearly handling this beautifully. But I can imagine how much anger is building up inside you. You need to find some sort of outlet. Do you exercise? Running was my way to expend my fury. I'd hear my feet pounding on the pavement. <br />Meditation works too. You just focus on your breath, even when the anger is building. Let it build and trust that you won't explode. That it will wash over. It's just a feeling. <br />And finally, I'm a big fan of therapy. I think it's important to have an objective person to guide you through all the emotions. Often behind anger is hurt and fear. Betrayal triggers deep, deep feelings.<br />And then channel it constructively like you're doing. Allow it to motivate you to ensure that you get absolutely what you deserve in terms of support, custody. Of course, with kids, you want them to be free to love their dad and spend time with him. But you won't allow yourself to be pushed around.<br />It certainly seems as if, once this mess is cleaned up, you're going to be a whole lot better off without him. <br /><br />Elle<br />Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-57435386514687634712014-05-15T06:18:21.474-04:002014-05-15T06:18:21.474-04:00My husband gave me his email address and password ...My husband gave me his email address and password to "prove" that he wasn't hiding anything from me. What he didn't suspect was that I would sign into his facebook account using that same email and password (he uses the same password for everything). And what I found was an eyeful. <br /><br />A few years ago we were separated and seeing other people. I was seeing G, who was also separated. He was seeing P, who claimed to be in an open marriage. It was an awkward time and I was very unhappy. He was jealous that I had more dates than he did. I told him I was willing to work on our marriage if he would agree to counseling but he also had to stop seeing P, and I agreed to stop seeing G. I kept up my end, but he never stopped seeing her although he told me he did.<br /><br />When I logged into his facebook account, I saw messages going back two years where they discuss various fabrications - I'm mentally ill and he is going to have me committed, I'm going through 'the change' and that’s why I don’t want to have sex with him, I'm an unfit parent because I demand that he communicate with me - while also planning trysts and he has declared his undying love for her. I found out that P grows pot and sells it to my husband. He made arrangements to detour on his way to a boy scout camping trip with my son to a friend's house to sell her pot. And he documented all of this on facebook. I also found out that he has multiple facebook accounts, as does she, and they are all ‘friends’ with each other. How weird is that? <br /><br />But that’s not all I found. At the time I asked him to work on our marriage and end the separation, he had just started seeing another girlfriend. He didn’t give her up either. AND he told the kids that she was a friend from HS who shares his photography hobby. His facebook messages tell a very different story. The “photography” dates do include picture taking because that’s his cover story. But afterwards, they go to her house while her family is out and “wildly fuck for hours” (her words). He is facebook friends with her adult daughter, who is apparently unaware of their relationship.<br /><br />I locked him out of his account to secure the message history and in hindsight should probably have done the same with his other account. I confronted him and told him I wanted a divorce, but that I would be willing to work with him on a DIY petition so we aren’t paying lawyers for what we should be able to discuss in a rational, mature manner. I also suggested that he play nice because he wouldn’t want a judge to see the facebook message history. I don’t think he realizes how damning the messages are. He either believes it’s an empty threat or that I won’t be able to introduce the messages because of privacy laws. I consulted an attorney and there was no expectation of privacy because he not only gave me his login and password, but also used my computer to store the information.<br /><br />Until the facebook incident, he didn’t take me seriously. He has recently opened his own checking account and he had an appointment with an attorney (he doesn’t know how to unshare his calendar). I approached him again and asked if he’s willing to work with me on a custody agreement so that he could move out without giving up any future custody rights that would be settled in the divorce. He told me he has something “in the works” but he has no intention of moving out. I think he’s delusional if he thinks a judge would agree to let him be the primary custodial parent after all he’s done, or take children away from their mother.<br /><br />How do I deal with this and not explode?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-84921712891531093592014-05-02T09:59:32.040-04:002014-05-02T09:59:32.040-04:00part 4
Yes - my husband made VERY poor choices - w...part 4<br />Yes - my husband made VERY poor choices - which were mean and nasty, and he has to be responsible for those choices. But WHY does the OW / AP so often sing the tired story 'I didn't break any vows'? Perhaps not, but since you knew he was married (in my case and in many others) why did you get involved in the first place? You are equally responsible for being mean and nasty - those were YOUR choices, OWN THEM! I get that she must be hurting etc, but what the hell did she think would happen? If he was lying to me, why did she think he wasn't lying to her? Or if he wasn't lying to her and told her all along he wouldn't leave me, then what did she think would happen? <br />The reason I hate her more than I hate him, is because I don't know her - she is a total stranger who through no provocation from me, decided to take a dump right in the middle of my life. I have moments when I hate my husband, but I also truly, truly love him and it's all an entangled mess right now. I'm not simply returning to my old life - at the moment, this is seriously the hardest thing I have ever had to do/ confront. I have no idea what I'm doing. But I am doing my best. And so is he. And there is something comforting about being chosen -and in the dark times, I try to cling to that. I didn't beg, or even scream - I told him - and meant it - he can leave. But he chose to stay. He chose me. I also take comfort in the way he has / we have closed ranks. Times are not really ever going to get worse than times like these - even although he is largely the reason behind my hurt (I have to be realistic and find the part i played in the big story). I think were he not so sure of his feelings, were he not so active in facilitating a plan of action, and once I broke through, were he not so totally honest, I would not be here. It's only been 4 weeks - and who knows, maybe tomorrow I feel different, but when I'm calm and have a second of clarity, I know in my heart that my husband is not a bad man. He is a good man, that made very poor life decisions, that has issues he needs to work on himself (self esteem / self worth / ADHD / etc) and we have issues we need to work on together (improving communication / spicing things up / etc). And lucky for me (IF I can call myself lucky) when I'm in the black hole of despair and jealousy and hate, he comes to me in calm love. I sincerely hope, with every fibre of my being, that we can make this work.<br /><br />I have a close friend whose husband left her for his AP - he divorced her and stayed with the AP for something like a year after until it ended. She is years away from that and is now happily married (new man) with 2 lovely kids. She is my chosen friend & confidant, with whom I confide my deep, sometimes shameful thoughts. And she has in turn confided saying that the death of her sister was 'easier' to deal with than the affair and subsequent divorce. That she is so, so happy and wouldn't change 1 bit of her current life, but is still not entirely over the hurt that caused her. Luckily for me, she is level headed and fair, and loves me thereby wanting the best for me - whether it be to help me create a new relationship and marriage with my husband, or whether we part ways - she is such a great support, I fear I will never be able to repay her for her kindness and love.<br /><br />I've read a lot of your comments Elle - and like you, I don't think I'm ever going to be one of the ladies that say this affair was the best thing that ever happened to me. But I do hope that like you I can one day look back on this as a sad time in my life, in our life - as just one small aspect of our lives together, rather than it being the brush that taints every single aspect of our so far 11 years together. <br /><br />We've got a lot of hard work ahead of us - unless we find the reason for the infidelity, we will not be able to prevent it from happening in the future. <br /><br />As you can see - I am literally all over the place at the moment. <br /><br />Thanks for listening everybody.<br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-86701931861380353602014-05-02T09:58:53.923-04:002014-05-02T09:58:53.923-04:00part 3
I fear I've veered off topic - such is ...part 3<br />I fear I've veered off topic - such is my life these days - back to the original thought:<br />Other than the original immediate 5-10 times of calling, plus his calling her that morning - which she also did not pick up to, that was my very first boundary. First - before I said anything, he had to decide - was he staying or going. He knew already (since that was the source of much of their arguing - that he wouldn't leave me) - if I'd give him a chance, he was staying. <br /> <br />So, on that very first day of finding out, my first boundary was this - he is free to leave, that he cannot stay out of guilt / obligation / 'the right thing' etcetc - i.e. he had choice. If he was leaving, I didn't care to hear details etc, he should just leave. But if he was staying, then his first commitment to me was: break off all contact with her - and not to do it until he was SURE it would be the last time. With me in the room, he picked up the phone and called - again, she wouldn't answer, so he text her. I said after 3 odd years, can it really be done over text but his response was, she sent the text, if she can't then pick up the phone afterwards to talk to him (he called off his phone) and face up to her actions, then so be it, and he was putting an end to the situation there and then. He told her via text it was over, that if she wanted to hurt him, she could but that she shouldn't have hurt me. That they would have no contact ever again by phone/email/text / anything.<br /><br />So neither he nor I have contacted her since - but she sure has tried to contact us. First it was just to him - sometimes things like 'i know you hate me, please call me' another time a long winded explanation - I'd say a lot for my 'benefit' again. Either her or her flatmate / partner / house co-owner (whatever the hell their situation is) emailed our work email - to him about another job and swear at him about about how she didn't deserve it after she's put up with his shit for the last 3 years - in my eyes clearly again for my benefit (i.e. so that I know the job he went to for a week in January was with her) - because they know I am the 'office' part of our business. (and how stupid do you have to be not to know that if you play with fire, you might get burned - so don't f--k other people's husbands, idiot). I also got about 4 'hang up' calls on my own mobile. She also called his work mobile and as the number was unrecognised, he answered - and when he knew it was her said he can't talk to her and put down. Then the texts started saying (to him) 'please make the calls stop'. Then I got a text, something about to please stop calling her, she's sure I don't want to hear what she has to say and she definitely doesn't want to hear what I might have to say. Trembling voice message 'it's me, please call me back'. <br />And the last thing we heard (so far) to his mobile was to make the calls stop - that if he couldn't, she would - either by calling me or the police. All this carried on for around 2 weeks after dday. Although we both barred the numbers she contacted us with, so maybe she's been texting, but neither of us get it. (his second phone - the one I didn't know about is destroyed and at the dump) I seriously questioned my decision in not having any contact with her, even wrote a 'cease and desist' type formal notice from our work contacts (never sent it, junked it). Worried that maybe due to her profession she had stalker type things going on and thought it was me, therefore giving her satisfaction that i / he was hurting - when it dawned on me - who gives a toss what she thinks? Who cares if she thinks it me or him? More than likely it's another play to get a reaction - after all, all she had to do in the past to get him to come running was create a drama (knight in shining armour and all that jazz). <br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-33525120036085178142014-05-02T09:58:09.496-04:002014-05-02T09:58:09.496-04:00part 2:
I know some people may be reading this thi...part 2:<br />I know some people may be reading this thinking - there is probably more - but I promise you this, we're down to the nitty gritty - what he has told me is so, SO shocking, it just wouldn't make any sense to hold anything else back anymore. And whether it's right or wrong, I've asked EVERYTHING that has even popped into my mind. I know all the different types of sex / positions / toys etcetc , the fantasies (his and hers) - those carried out and those discussed, What they talked about, her needs, his needs, what she looks like (feels like / smells like) and all of the services she offers (twitter / website / adult websites she advertises on / reviews / what he knows), some of the stuff she does outside of her main source of business, what they call each other and how they connect up / how long it took from when she started suggesting no condoms until the first time they no longer used protection - i mean everything when I say everything. I also know where she lives, since she was a client of ours (we run our own business) in January this year. I know about their fights. I know about their joys. I know what she's told him about her past. I know her insecurities - both from what he's told me and by her actions during the whole sordid affair and by her subsequent behaviour.<br /><br />My husband doesn't want to tell me these things anymore (like when I ask the same question again and again), because he see's the pain the answers bring, but he understands now finally and fully, that it's not for him to decide what I do and don't know any more. <br /><br />We've both had our first round of tests (clear), and due to dates for some STI's, are booked in already for the second round. <br /><br />On day 2, I went to the doc for med help (I suffer with anxiety, so I knew already I'd need medication to help me) We've already had 3 mc sessions. On day one he insisted we go because he knew he needed help and that we needed help. He did some research and brought some suggestions to me, we then agreed on someone, and thank g-d, after seeing him that first time, something has gone right for us and he is great for BOTH of us.<br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-70368916700010260712014-05-02T09:57:07.664-04:002014-05-02T09:57:07.664-04:00Barring immediately following the text the OW sent...Barring immediately following the text the OW sent to me (to find out who this was), I have never contacted the OW. She never picked up on that first day, being the coward she is, having sent an anonymous text. Let's not pretend typing the sentence 'I thought you should know' was for my benefit.<br />It went exactly like: '(my name), (his name) is cheating on you, and on me too apparently, just thought you should know'<br /><br />My immediate reaction was that is was one of those scam numbers - you know the kind - phone it back and you're charged £1000 per minute type - so I went to my husband and showed it to him, saying 'look at this weird text I just got' - I seriously NEVER believed he would be the type and even in that instant, thought - no ways, never... We were talking about it maybe being a scam etc, but suddenly something just didn't sit right, so I started to push - and I pushed and pushed until he admitted to having 1 night with a prostitute around 8 years ago (at a specific event). It broke me then and there - I just couldn't believe my honest, caring, loving gentle husband could do this, but when I came up for air, I suddenly remembered the text.<br />I know that sounds weird; 'suddenly remembered' - but when stressed my mind moves a million miles an hour latching onto a billion thoughts at once and in the moment, I get caught up on certain things and forget others, until after I calm down again. <br /><br />And this is when I called the number - probably between 5 -10 times consecutively, but she never picked up.<br /><br />So, I started pushing him again - and it took freaking ages. Over the course of the same day, I found out that that 'one time', was actually just the first time. That there had been others - many others, all prostitutes, up until the one who had taken it upon herself to text me - the one he had been having an affair with for 2-3 years, the one he thought he loved - but kept saying he loved me - that he loved us both. The one he had broken up with twice, and then slept with other prostitutes during the break up. The same one who said she was 'clever' with the internet and could find my number etc the first time he left her. The very same one who made contact with him a few months after each of their breakups to rekindle the relationship.<br /><br />Over the course of the next 5 days, we had 'trickle truth', until on the 5th day, I gave up - I couldn't fight, cry, respond, ask questions any more. I completely lost my will - I screamed in a raspy broken voice that I could not take it anymore (after having spoken fairly calmly when not bawling). That the lying was NOT to protect me, it was to protect him. Each time I found out he had lied about something, it set me back to dday. I told him it was over, I couldn't do it anymore, because he couldn't come properly clean. Afterwards, I could only slump listlessly, staring blankly out of the car window while he drove me home. He hovered at the door not knowing if he should come in or leave - and I was at this low point: you've been doing whatever the f-ck you want for the last 8 years, so why stop now, just do whatever...<br />He never left home, but we slept separately (although experiencing hysterical bonding - but that's a whole other post) - he said he was staying until I told him to leave - because he definitely didn't want to leave and never ever intended to leave through out everything, and it was my decision if he had to leave. The following morning, I gave my second boundary - since he already had had 5 days of me trying, he had 24 hours to tell me EVERYTHING. I'm on 'team tell all' - I was not going to ask him any questions, he had to volunteer all info - and correct any incorrect info that had been given. To be fair, he had already told me the bulk of info during the 1st 5 days, there were just a couple of sticking points. But it was a definitely turning point for BOTH of us.<br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-74488793646563532312014-05-01T13:11:33.216-04:002014-05-01T13:11:33.216-04:00That was flat out amazing! No one could say it a...That was flat out amazing! No one could say it any better! Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14072641702018634823noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-18563993069942694822014-04-17T09:54:35.107-04:002014-04-17T09:54:35.107-04:00While I understand that, often, we get more detail...While I understand that, often, we get more details about the affair than are really helpful. But I also believe that, for too long while the affair is going on, the door is shut to the wife. It's valuable for your husband to open the door to that affair and let you in so you can get a sense of it. Your friends' advice to imagine the worst might be helpful...but it might also keep you believing that the affair was better than it was. <br />In any case, I'm a firm believer that the wife gets to the set the terms of reconciliation. If she wants information, then I think the husband owes it to her. I don't buy the "saving her from pain" argument. If they were so concerned about that, they wouldn't have cheated in the first place.<br />You, of course, need to determine what you need going forward. At this point, many of the details are irrelevant. And I'm glad you're feeling stronger each day. <br /><br />ElleEllehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-23426459756051378012014-04-16T19:46:27.265-04:002014-04-16T19:46:27.265-04:00Reply to Elle's original post: Wow! After 1 y...Reply to Elle's original post: Wow! After 1 year of pain and grief over the OW, your post, Elle, gives me some peace. The OW refused to give me details about the relationship that she and my husband shared. She said she didn't want to get involved. (It is crazy how you totally understand what I was feeling at this point.) I contacted the OW (3 months after it ended) I was rational. I just wanted to know details so I could have closure. I was so upset with her response not to help me. I thought she was being arrogant and aloof. I always hope for the best in people. Your response gives me hope that she did realize I was a good person and didn't deserve this pain (even though not telling me caused me additional pain.) My husband didn't want to talk about the details of the affair either. He said there was no point. All I got was the "trickle" facts of their relationship. After 23 years of marriage, I truly think in his mind, that he felt the details would only cause me more pain. He seemed to truly be sorry for my tears and heart break. Most sites have made it sound that if the husband is not willing to tell the whole truth then there is no hope for the relationship. In my heart, this information didn't seem right. We have been trying very hard to work out our marriage. My friends gave me advice. They said "assume the worst" and figure out if you can live with it. While good advice, this advice was not what I wanted to hear. <br />I am still challenged by lingering thoughts of the other woman. For a year, I have searched the internet for some explanation of his behavior (the affair itself and the aftermath). Your words give me peace of mind and hope. I think he just wanted a distraction and too feel young again. It doesn't make it right but it is an explanation. I was working hard and in a rut of my own at the time of the affair. However, I was not worried about my marriage. I thought he had my back. I was totally blindsided when the clues hit me in the face. My biggest fear was that he loved her and that he was so attracted to her that he would never really love me again. She is 15 years younger than me. I know I cannot compete with her physically but I can compete with her when it comes to the history I have shared with the father of my young adult children. Just to note...after I found out about the relationship, they secretly kept it going for another 10 weeks . I know he is not in communication with her now but the thought that he might be dwelling on his loss of their relationship has been on my mind. It is unclear who broke up with who, but the few text I did dig up between the two makes me feel it was a mutual agreement. Back to my point, your frank words, have provided some explanation for the most painful thing I have ever endured. The pain was intense for about 3 months. I finally stepped off the "the crazy train" 9 months ago but the pain and the thought of their relationship continue to haunt me. Thanks again for giving me a little perspective. I become stronger every day. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com