tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post9179582956916560657..comments2024-03-17T12:13:33.772-04:00Comments on Betrayed Wives' Club: Where Does the Hate Go?Ellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comBlogger118125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-56947430240962854182016-10-31T14:50:28.472-04:002016-10-31T14:50:28.472-04:00If there's any constant in the first few month...If there's any constant in the first few months (at least!!) post betrayal, it's that you're moods will be all over the place. Anger, rage, sadness, pity, compassion, and on and on. Don't judge yourself. Just feel the whole range of it, even when it makes you feel like a crazy person. Trust that you'll move through each feeling without having to act on them. You'll stabilize and likely reach an emotional compromise in which you realize that none of us all are all good or all bad. Hurt people hurt people. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-4968918990374424562016-10-31T13:59:48.119-04:002016-10-31T13:59:48.119-04:00I am at post week 8. I was really calm and ration...I am at post week 8. I was really calm and rational about it at first, hated him more than anything else for everything he took from and had done to me. he destroyed me, took away who I was, put at risk my home my family my friends and my health , stole everything I thought we were and had. Yet I didn't hate her felt sorry for her, believe it or not wanted to send her a care package with chocolate and a note saying she could move on from this.....(yes this all being so nice after shaking and breaking down on the docs table as I got an std test, yes after throwing up so violently after the test.) Then something changed about 3 weeks in I guess the last of me died or least the nice person I was then the hate came in. I mean scary wanting to destroy anything that was important to her.... Like her job her image that her friends and family all have of her as this nice person. To warn everyone of what she really is. A lying, sneaking, disgusting bitch who has no respect for other women. A stealing bitch who had no issues with what she did. I still struggle to no act on the anger but I know it would stop me from getting back to who I was. Guess I never will which is kind of sad in a wayAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-71951916740912061252014-02-21T12:22:24.846-05:002014-02-21T12:22:24.846-05:00You are so right. My ow was married herself with a...You are so right. My ow was married herself with a child. She used to right him all sorts of letters & card that they were destined to be together & they were soulmates. All this while they were both married to other people with children from other people. What kind of sane self-respecting person does that to themselves & their family & someone else's family. How selfish & self centered!<br /><br />& as an aside, everyone keeps talking about weight loss. Yes I stopped eating & sleeping but the few pounds I initially lost I have now regained about 6 months post d day. I wish I had lost weight! Instead about 3 months post d day when I went to have my hair highlighted I discovered I had been losing patches of my hair. I told my husband just my luck. My body can't even react to this stress the way I want! So as I'm sure there are others of u out there-- u r not alone & I hope it will grow back!<br /><br />-samAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-90002126756028708072014-02-20T12:01:59.600-05:002014-02-20T12:01:59.600-05:00I think it is important to not dwell on comparing ...I think it is important to not dwell on comparing yourself to the OW. Trying to list all her superficial bad qualities (looks, job, bad breath, bad sex) will just perpetuate the cycle of competition and judgement/self judgement. What if the other woman was a yoga instructor with a hot bod. Or had alot of money for nice clothes. It isn't the point. It is important to understand the deeper ways that our spouses are most definitely "affairing down." They are choosing people who lack integrity and self respect to require a man to not be attached to another woman if he wants to be with her. He went with someone who is easy--easily gives up on herself and her integrity. Someone who lets herself be used to fullfill a man's ego. She wasn't his dream girl, she was just available. I got this quote from another blog and it says it all: "My husband is mirroring himself. He is a mess so he found someone else who is just as messed up."MBShttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10168863416317700184noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-30970635958463112392014-02-19T15:01:54.189-05:002014-02-19T15:01:54.189-05:00I want to go to a lot of those same places to take...I want to go to a lot of those same places to take them away from her. U may just need time before they r no longer triggering. This way we create new memories & his old ones may start to fade. After 2 years ther is a lot he really doesn't remember. I found a 3 year old movie stub in his wallet with her name on it from a movie they apparently saw together right before their relationship became sexual. Not only did he not recall seeing the movie but he actually said he thought we saw it together. I told him he found the whole experience of the affair so unpleasant that he subconsciously may be trying to forget or even rewrite some of those memories himself. When he says he had no idea of what he had gotten himself into, I believe him. Why not rewrite that history together?<br /><br />-samAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-66840586050743520442014-02-19T14:55:55.201-05:002014-02-19T14:55:55.201-05:00My husband hates the other woman. I see it in his ...My husband hates the other woman. I see it in his eyes & in the disdain in his voice when he says her name. He hates her for tempting him & actively pursuing him for multiple years. Of course he was a willing participant no one forced him but he does feel that she manipulated him & she did. But my husband is 2 years out of the affair fog. But my point is ur husband may hate her too & u just don't see it. U may be transferring feelings onto him that as a woman u think u would have for an affair partner. Give him a chance. Also, admitting he hates her may make him feel even worse about himself--that he risked u & his marriage for something & someone so not worth it. Reading books helped me see the affair more from the male viewpoint which is totally different.<br /><br />-sam Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-30700679858507503812014-02-19T14:46:53.633-05:002014-02-19T14:46:53.633-05:00Here r my bad things about the other woman:
My hu...Here r my bad things about the other woman:<br /><br />My husband is an ass man & she had a saggy ass;<br />Totally flat (I'm pretty flat myself but apparently she was even worse)<br />She died her hair<br />She was a slut (he told me she was after multiple docs in his hospital)<br />She was AWFUL with money (I handle all our finances & pretty well I might add-- we r both pretty frugal<br />He always brags about me to others-- I graduated College with a perfect 4.0, got all honors in med school, & scored 99% on my specialty board exams;<br />She failed her specialty boards multiple times.<br />I'm a pretty great cook & apparently she was awful or just didn't do it.<br />Once the relationship turned sexual, she pretty quickly turned into a class A bitch-- he constantly says now how unique I am, forgiving, & accepting of him. We talk about wives of some of his friends & he always says how I'm unique<br /><br />-samAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-9350364039751796672014-02-11T13:12:08.005-05:002014-02-11T13:12:08.005-05:00Smm89,
There's honestly no point in trying to ...Smm89,<br />There's honestly no point in trying to get them to understand our pain. I think in order to be an OW, you need to be able to think of yourself and your wants as more important than integrity. You need to be able to convince yourself (or be convinced) that the wife somehow doesn't deserve courtesy and respect and kindness. So trying to get someone like that to feel compassion for you and what you're going through is an exercise in futility. Better to shift focus completely off of her and onto yourself. Be gentle with yourself, kind with yourself. To hell with her.<br /><br />ElleEllehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-53283525706104201252014-02-06T07:51:28.200-05:002014-02-06T07:51:28.200-05:00I will never forget how kind I was to the OW. Then...I will never forget how kind I was to the OW. Then one day she had the nerve to tell me that I should stop with the pity party because she was hurting too. Hahahaha.. I about died rightthere. I never got to tell her how I ffelt except that they both hurt me and I wish I had told her EVERYTHING I felt.<br /><br />Smm89Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-5071476124195344292013-12-24T11:56:35.663-05:002013-12-24T11:56:35.663-05:00My husband kept asking me the same thing. We had t...My husband kept asking me the same thing. We had this very long period of limbo, and he would look at me as if he was waiting for me to say "its over." As if he didn't want the responsibility of making a choice. In fact, he said he wanted me to do it so he wouldn't have to be the bad guy. Definitely a Peter Pan move. They want you us to be Wendy/mommy--the person who takes responsibility for their behavior.MBShttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10168863416317700184noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-82093049896696865782013-12-20T20:42:24.933-05:002013-12-20T20:42:24.933-05:00About 3 months after finding out about her and 3 w...About 3 months after finding out about her and 3 weeks post-D-day (when the lid blew off!), my husband came home one day and asked me if I wanted him to move out. My position on that is twofold: (1) if HE wants to move out, he can - don't make ME the bad guy by "kicking him out" because he can't or won't make a decision. (I'm intrigued by the Peter Pan thread above - my husband has many of those traits and is also quite passive aggressive). and (2) moving out implied he did not want to confront any of the so-called problems in the marriage (he was running away because he didn't want responsibility). He stayed. I had begged for counseling which he had refused - then all of a sudden it was a go (if I set it up)...I still don't know to this day what tipped him back in favor of the marriage. I suspect it was partly pressure from his parents finding out. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-77478911095148586852013-12-17T14:05:44.464-05:002013-12-17T14:05:44.464-05:00Sam,
You'd be hard-pressed to find anyone on t...Sam,<br />You'd be hard-pressed to find anyone on this site that didn't go through absolute hell to get past this. Rages, crying jags that lasted days, thoughts of suicide, depression, weight loss and gain, the list goes on. There's no blueprint for how to survive hell. We just do the best we can with others to light our way forward. <br />Hang in there. Each day gets you a bit closer to that moment when you realize this is well and truly behind you.<br /><br />ElleEllehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-4008242071827429542013-12-17T14:03:27.451-05:002013-12-17T14:03:27.451-05:00U,
I hope the therapist can support you through th...U,<br />I hope the therapist can support you through this. I didn't kick my husband out (well, not really. I threatened…). He immediately stopped the affair and gave me access to all channels of communication so I would know what he was doing. I'm glad you can see that he's the messed up one. As for you, just take it one day (or one minute, one hour…) at a time. Stay focussed on you and what you need to move forward. You'll get there.<br /><br />ElleEllehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-81845108334587421212013-12-17T11:31:56.185-05:002013-12-17T11:31:56.185-05:00Elle, yet again you talk from experience and knowl...Elle, yet again you talk from experience and knowledge. It's comforting to know you also went through this anger and hate. My emotions are very much up then down. I will try vent my anger elsewhere and when I'm calm tell my husband how I'm feeling. Thank you Elle you make me feel a whole lot better . XAnonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10071329217675295943noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-46850587079331245792013-12-17T11:02:11.601-05:002013-12-17T11:02:11.601-05:00Hello Elle, on my way to my first therapsit meeti...Hello Elle, on my way to my first therapsit meeting, finally! When you kicked him out did he go and how long did he stayed away? My H is still staying out of the house living who knows where (not with OW I know now, still not letting her go or choosing marriage). He's so messed up it's not even funny......what to do now I just don't know. I am 12 weeks for D-day #1......~u~Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-81713265412699390412013-12-17T10:46:45.916-05:002013-12-17T10:46:45.916-05:00Sam, I can't count the times I kicked my husba...Sam, I can't count the times I kicked my husband out, told him I hated him, told him he "ruined me", called him unpublishable names. Not that I would recommend my particular approach. But just to assure you that your feelings, under the circumstances, are normal. Not helpful necessarily but normal.<br />Is there something else you can do when that rage hits? Go for a run? Beat the shit out of a pillow? Scream until you're hoarse? Make yourself an appointment for a massage or a pedicure? Write him a letter in which you detail just what a horrible waste of skin he is…and then burn it in a ritual ceremony? The confusion is simply part of it. Wait until you're clear. If you truly want out, then you'll proceed in a way that ensures you get what you want. If you're trying to punish him, then figure out a way to let him know of your pain without pushing him away. Time honestly does offer clarity.<br /><br />ElleEllehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-25807230180115063092013-12-17T06:04:43.377-05:002013-12-17T06:04:43.377-05:00Having a pissed of moment whereby I text my husban...Having a pissed of moment whereby I text my husband telling him to leave me and go to the ow, In these moments I feel like I would gladly let him go. I simply hate what he's done to me to our family so go with the person you so wanted for a year and half why should I now pick up the pieces you have left. 10 weeks post d day and counting waiting for something not sure what just want this mess out of my head, wish it never happened how date he?? Part of me wants punishment I want to throw him out so he goes to her or do I really want that so confused any help is so appreciated xAnonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10071329217675295943noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-76169389178994913352013-12-16T14:28:50.717-05:002013-12-16T14:28:50.717-05:00Andrea, my husband told his OW that he loved her t...Andrea, my husband told his OW that he loved her too. My husband is a passionate guy as well as having a major midlife crisis so I am not surprised he "fell in love." But I knew in my heart that it wasn't real love. My husband has a highly addictive personality and did not stop contacting her until a week ago. Even though I believe he loves me deeply and more meaningfully than the lust for this woman, the chemicals of sex and attraction take along time to leave. It is extremely painful but he is finally coming out of the fog and the bubble is bursting--6 months since the first revelation.The infatuation can be an addiction and his behavior cannot be counted on. Read up on love addiction and the wayward spouse fog. Give yourself time to absorb what has happened but also make sure that he is agreeing to no contact and monitoring. I would take caution to not assume that he is ready to move on and will now behave with integrity. <br />Hang on. It is bumpy but you can come out of this intact.MBShttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10168863416317700184noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-80192056119515375622013-12-16T13:01:34.808-05:002013-12-16T13:01:34.808-05:00Thank you Mara I will try doing just that : ) Thank you Mara I will try doing just that : ) Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10071329217675295943noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-91328434385892966062013-12-16T11:50:33.218-05:002013-12-16T11:50:33.218-05:00Thanks Mara for offering up your thoughts. I think...Thanks Mara for offering up your thoughts. I think you're exactly right. These guys fall in love with the reflection in the other person's eyes. They feel interesting and sexy and fun. That's intoxicating. Like Mara's husband, most wake up and wonder what the hell THAT was all about. Like coming out of a dream…or a fog.<br />Don't knock yourself out trying to make sense of this. It's nonsensical. Just keep yourself this side of crazy.<br /><br />ElleEllehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-43882120824739751182013-12-16T06:54:59.630-05:002013-12-16T06:54:59.630-05:00Hi Sam,
You will probably have more flashbacks in...Hi Sam,<br /><br />You will probably have more flashbacks in the time to come. It's perfectly normal. Tell your husband about them and tell him what he can do to comfort you. <br />I tell my husband I don't tell him because I want to punish him, but because I need him to comfort me.<br /><br />Mara xAnonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00289516031793108727noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-8993349166779059452013-12-16T06:53:04.927-05:002013-12-16T06:53:04.927-05:00Hi Andrea,
I'm so sorry to read your story. ...Hi Andrea, <br /><br />I'm so sorry to read your story. And it's only been two weeks since you found out. <br />Regarding your question about loving/being in love with two women....I'm almost certain that he doesn't LOVE the OW. He was/is in love with her. And yes, that can happen at the same time as loving you. Love is something you work on and that builds up. It's not something that just happens.<br /><br />Being in love is like a drug. It can take a while before it's gone. It took my husband (who had a 2 month affair) about 3 months to come completely out of the affair fog. Only then did he fully realise what he had done. He now knows he didn't LOVE her, it was how she made him feel about himself. It was lust and infatuation. Not love.<br /><br />I hope you can hang in there. Take good care of yourself! Eat and sleep. I wasn't able to sleep and eat for weeks. Excercise. Find a councelor. I'm sure Elle has more tips for you. <br /><br />Just wanted to assure you that it can't have been real love..<br /><br /><br />Mara x<br />Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00289516031793108727noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-22902741120368076692013-12-14T21:03:19.764-05:002013-12-14T21:03:19.764-05:00Just had a lovely evening with my husband, then I ...Just had a lovely evening with my husband, then I get a flashback of what he did and I hate him, I know 9 weeks is still raw but can I ever move on from this I really don't know. Why am I letting this get the better of me and spoiling precious time we have set aside for ourselves away from the kids ??? This really sucks. Sometimes I just want out xAnonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10071329217675295943noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-60597821262310579262013-12-14T13:16:07.520-05:002013-12-14T13:16:07.520-05:00Hi…thank you for this blog. I found out over 2 wee...Hi…thank you for this blog. I found out over 2 weeks ago my husband had a 6 week affair. He confessed to me (tears and all). He claims they only had sex once, but I know he fell in love with her. That is the part that is killing me…he ACTUALLY loved her or so he thought. Its obvious he had strong feelings for her. It's a knife to my heart. On top of it, he had begun playing daddy to her young son. We have 2 young children (2 and 5), and I am heartbroken. He loved this woman….what am I even fighting for at this point??? I mean, it is possible to be in love with 2 woman???Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02973954211317479958noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-85609877333428823852013-12-13T16:33:51.053-05:002013-12-13T16:33:51.053-05:00I find that because my husband didn't have a p...I find that because my husband didn't have a prolonged sexual affair, I find it easier to ignore her existence. This didn't have to do with her, though originally he made it sound like it did.<br />Alas, if I try to think of negative things about her looks, I won't get far--she is attractive, small, and in shape. However, I am lucky enough to be an eye catcher, myself. And I don't want to fall into the misogynistic tradition of women hating on each others appearances. Though I can say without a doubt that she is clearly a damaged, extremely narcissitic, childish, selfish personality--obvious from Facebook and anyone I know who knows her. <br />Also, in my case, my husband was the OM (though the other couple seemed to be more flexible around fidelity and her husband was also a serial cheater) so if I fill myself up with hate, I will have to hate him with almost as much intensity. For now, I am just trying to keep the hatred to a manageable level.MBShttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10168863416317700184noreply@blogger.com