tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post1133162576059823475..comments2024-03-27T21:50:33.178-04:00Comments on Betrayed Wives' Club: Shame on Me? Not Anymore.Ellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comBlogger56125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-62583249048020681482017-08-09T15:55:39.852-04:002017-08-09T15:55:39.852-04:00That's a beautiful answer.That's a beautiful answer.ariana vatumhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09201074326902879082noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-70964819642913961802016-10-24T21:00:09.871-04:002016-10-24T21:00:09.871-04:00Anonymous- Just keep coming here. Read all the p...Anonymous- Just keep coming here. Read all the posts you can handle at one time. Share your story- vent all you need to. There is so much wisdom here that I never found elsewhere. What I learned about getting through betrayal, I learned on this site. Rage was my friend for a few weeks, even though my counselor kept trying to get me to control myself (shh! don't tell anyone, but I don't regret the rage.) Still Standing is right- be prepared for more shoes to drop. I hope your H has been honest with you, but so often they are in la-la land for weeks or months after the discovery. Mine was. (I even watched him break up with the last woman over the phone- I kept thinking, "What? Is this high school of something????" And then who comforted him? Me.) So do be prepared. <br />The main thing I've learned, and I'm sure it would be echoed by others here, is that you need to trust yourself. You actually know what you need to do to get through this. Listen to yourself. If you need to ask questions, ask them. Redraw the boundary around your marriage. Husbands don't always know what we need to heal, so be sure to tell him what he needs to do. Hold him accountable. And know that what he did had NOTHING to do with you. It had to do with him. Only. <br />Trust yourself. And know that you will work your way through it. Hang in there. <br />C. CRBhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15391631449922722489noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-49878512399968326292016-10-18T10:52:34.999-04:002016-10-18T10:52:34.999-04:00Yep, Anonymous, everything that Still Standing sai...Yep, Anonymous, everything that Still Standing said. Please find yourself support through a therapist. This is excruciating and you need to have a safe place in real life where you can put it all down. I had three young kids when I learned of my husband's double life and it's damn near impossible to hold it all together. Be gentle with yourself. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-31252346385280642012016-10-18T08:34:52.850-04:002016-10-18T08:34:52.850-04:00Anon, I'm so, so sorry. I'm giving you a h...Anon, I'm so, so sorry. I'm giving you a hug. Just wanted you to know that you are heard. Go gently with yourself. Breathe, get through each day. Think about what you need to feel safe, what you need from your h to heal and move forward, if that is what you choose or however that looks for you. And, gently, be prepared to have more bombs dropped. You may not have all the truth yet. You may. But ask questions, check your gut. I'm going to tell you that you are strong, resilient and will get through this. You'll get suck of hearing it, but it is true nonetheless. So sorry you are here. So glad you landed in the best place I have found for support and healing. Much love...Still Standingnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-34588408316880546532016-10-17T17:10:02.762-04:002016-10-17T17:10:02.762-04:00I'm so sorry you're going through this too...I'm so sorry you're going through this too. I remember those first days as being extremely overwhelming. My head spun and I went from one extreme to another. I, too, did not cry really until later. I even comforted him while he was falling apart somehow. The shock is there to protect you a little I think. As is wears off, commit to taking care of yourself. Consider what you need (sleep, nourishment, someone to talk to...) and make sure you find a way to get them. This will take time, so be patient with yourself and get help from a professional if you can. This whole thing says so much more about him and the state of his soul than it will ever say about you, but you do have an opportunity (unexpected and unwanted though it may be) for growth here. You get to choose how you want to handle this (but not all at once). You are so much stronger than you thought you were. I promise you that!Annnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-29952382929647273282016-10-15T15:56:42.909-04:002016-10-15T15:56:42.909-04:00Thank you, Elle, Anon, and Sal for your replies. ...Thank you, Elle, Anon, and Sal for your replies. This process can be so lonely, so it is incredibly uplifting to have your support.Starboard79https://www.blogger.com/profile/00342593763227564835noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-69174098321838329052016-10-15T06:05:44.735-04:002016-10-15T06:05:44.735-04:00New here, I just discovered this club for the only...New here, I just discovered this club for the only reason I would ever google "how long to get over infidelity" - I just discovered a whole double life of the man I'm married to. And I've never felt more angry and ashamed in my entire life. I haven't even cried yet and it's been 4 days. I just shake with ... well I guess this is rage. Things never got physical between him and HER,but they would have if the were not separated by distance (let's just say I stumbled across them having sex through texts... Sexting, did I do that right?) But it is the emotional connection between them and the "I love you"s that cut deepest right now.<br /><br />I don't even have a particular point I'm trying to make, just thank you all so much for making this a safe haven. I have told only those closest to me about what is going on (so, like 2 people), and needed to vent somewhere. The post that google brought up was from years ago, and I cannot tell you how relieved I was to see this is still an active site.<br /><br />So here's looking forward to the days I can actually cry and wallow without having to be strong in front of the kids. I'm too young for this. (As if there were a better age for this to happen :/ )Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-10991989872553952902016-10-14T10:20:21.434-04:002016-10-14T10:20:21.434-04:00Thank you, Hopeful. I actually started working wit...Thank you, Hopeful. I actually started working with a therapist right from week one personally and we've been going to couples therapy weekly as well. Without those, I would have truly gone crazy. I have many close friends and I'm close with my family. Not telling THEM makes me feel disconnected and "fake" somehow. They all congratulate me on my amazing weight loss (35 pounds!) and tell me how wonderful I look. So calm... The weight loss was (of course) due to the fact that I couldn't eat food for so long and my "calm" nature is because I'm doing so much thinking under the surface. Seeing what others have said here is so comforting. I assumed I was the only one who struggled with feeling unauthentic to everyone except my husband now. At some point, I may be able to tell my story to a few I am close to. I think it's the shame (strong women would never stand for this) messages I need to tackle first before I can do that.annnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-52261528024489064712016-10-12T19:25:53.067-04:002016-10-12T19:25:53.067-04:00C, So true all of what you said. It is interesting...C, So true all of what you said. It is interesting how the new phase of this recovery starts. We are at 19 months. At times I find it hard since I do not know what I want or need from my husband. In the end I want him to make this effort above and beyond. Sometimes it happens and sometimes it does not. The first anniversary after dday he wrote me the most amazing poem yet this year there was no card. And I think do I say something? The last thing I want is him going out and buying a card out of pure obligation. But he throws away all cards he is given. He literally does not care about these things. If I say anything he takes it so personally since he feels like a total failure as a husband, father and he did the worst possible thing by having his affairs. He knows all of this and it still is hard on him. <br /><br />Doubt creeps in on me. It is hard for me not feel like most aspects of our lives revolve around this. I see everything as interconnected. The kids gravitate towards me and that can hurt him yet I was the one there for them. And a million other things.<br /><br />We work hard to create new memories as he calls it a corrective emotional experience. He is conscious most of the time when something will trigger or bother me. Otherwise I bring it up in advance. I find that it is just easier that way. He is aware then. He has been open and accepting of me talking with him related to that. I also find that it is hard for me and us to feel positive about our marriage when we get busy and over scheduled or stressed. We both feel this way and more distant. We make an effort to say no to things unless it is something we can do as a couple and we make those a priority. We say we are cocooning. And really we do we go through phases of spending as much time as we can together. It is not always easy but it helps when we make that a priority.<br /><br />I feel like I am waiting for an a-ha moment or something major for me to feel some great shift in our relationship. I really am optimistic and hopeful for this. It is so hard with timing and the fact it is dependent on both of us being in that spot at the same time.Hopeful 30noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-18452579618368962792016-10-12T19:16:49.135-04:002016-10-12T19:16:49.135-04:00Ann, It is hard when you are working through this ...Ann, It is hard when you are working through this and are not sharing with anyone else. At around 5 months is when I decided to find a therapist. It has been a major help and support for me. He is very experienced in what I am going through. And I agree being on here with a group of women that can say me too really is the best support for me.Hopeful 30noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-82902034286252321992016-10-11T23:03:46.789-04:002016-10-11T23:03:46.789-04:00Hopeful 30-
I can relate. It was so hard to decid...Hopeful 30-<br />I can relate. It was so hard to decide whether we would exchange cards on our anniversary (happened 3 months after D-Day), but FINALLY he got me a card with the right words and sentiments. Cards before had been funny and always with a hint of sex- this time- and since then- I end up with cards that say what he cannot (words elude him a lot!) but say what I need him to say. As for the cards he gave me during his 10 year set of affairs...they either have been recycled or they are in a separate place in the basement storage. They mean nothing to me, and only remind me of those awful years when I was blind to what was going on. And you're so right- technology has changed the way we all interact and it seeps into our lives in ways we don't want it to with disastrous results. <br />I keep struggling with the idea of respect and we're 2+ years out. I'm not sure how I work on this- or even if I should- is it something that is lying dormant while my brain works it out? And trust- I say I trust him now- he's earning it back...but do I really? I'm finding that after so many months of feeling like the worst is over, that a new phase is creeping in. Doubt. <br />And back to Elle's original post...this horrible stuff that's out in the political arena is just fueling it. I have to stop watching, listening and paying attention to any of it. It triggers stuff that hasn't been triggered in such a long time, and here I am on our site again. WHEN will society stop judging women who stay with (serial) cheaters? WHEN will the double standard for women disappear? WHEN can we openly talk about the damage done to faithful spouses and to our marriages from the behaviors of our spouses that all of us on this site are working to overcome? It's such hard work. I believe it's the most worthwhile work,however, or I would have given up on my marriage a long time ago. <br />But I want us to be better than we are now- I want the doubt to go away and be replaced by the warm feelings I used to have. I feel like I'm hibernating a bit. Waiting for a new springtime when things will feel refreshed and new. I know it can happen- Elle is the best example that it can happen again. Who else is here that can help us who are in this waiting room? Advice? Hopeful stories?<br />C.CRBhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15391631449922722489noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-78805545230207423102016-10-11T12:44:24.146-04:002016-10-11T12:44:24.146-04:00I needed to read this today. I am 5 months out fro...I needed to read this today. I am 5 months out from Dday myself and have found all the news lately so triggering. I am only just now looking at my shame about staying (even though I stand by my decision). That's a really hard one to talk about with my husband, and since no one else knows... complicated to work through. I feel so much comfort in reading that so many other people here have felt the things I've felt. annnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-86680765076106950412016-10-11T10:42:05.057-04:002016-10-11T10:42:05.057-04:00Hopeful 30
I too struggled with the beautiful card...Hopeful 30<br />I too struggled with the beautiful cards my h has given me in all these years! We've had long discussions regarding the boxes he compartmentalized the us/them. I'm not able to do that but I am able to understand that it's the only way he can live his life and meet all expectations of work and the struggles of life in general. My h also insists that he meant every word that was in the cards and yet, his cow had six months to put so much doubt in my mind that I'm surprised we survived that time period. Once I realized that she was/is delusional. I could begin to actually listen to my h and hear the new honest feelings from his heart. We are making such good progress despite the cow continues to stalk him on LinkedIn. We're busy making new memories and at times looking back to our favorite old memories. Just moving through time and hopefully I can get to the place where none of this will be in my daily life. This site is helping me move toward that place! Hugs! Keep moving forward!Theresahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11767712425596090138noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-84730256528898120962016-10-11T08:28:08.615-04:002016-10-11T08:28:08.615-04:00So true.
I recall thinking, "I wasn't ...So true. <br /><br />I recall thinking, "I wasn't given a vote" the day after discovering the reality of my husband's affair. It was truly galling to think that those two pathetic cheaters made a life-changing decision on my behalf. I think that a great part of the damage and a source of my rage was realizing that I was just "collateral damage" and expendable. Now I am left to sweep up the remains and make a new life and the two cheaters get to move on and ignore their past choices.<br /><br />Thank you for this site. I come here for sustenance and always find things of value in this long healing journey.<br /><br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-40264544679757970322016-10-11T03:14:35.507-04:002016-10-11T03:14:35.507-04:00A lot of helpful points in this article, Anon, tha...A lot of helpful points in this article, Anon, thanks for posting!Jennifernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-17279336290267308262016-10-10T20:23:58.730-04:002016-10-10T20:23:58.730-04:00Wow- that is one powerful quotation! Hits it righ...Wow- that is one powerful quotation! Hits it right on the head. Wish I'd thought of saying that at some time.<br />My favorite new H memory is when I started playing my musical instrument again after giving it up for 30-odd years- lots of reasons having to do with little to no support in household/child raising duties. After my first rehearsal, he was at the door when I came home, cheering and clapping for me. I loved that. So he's different now than he was during his two affairs. I just wish I could have more of those moments. They are few and far between, so when they happen they're special.<br />C.CRBhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15391631449922722489noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-4170428401121675752016-10-10T14:09:59.398-04:002016-10-10T14:09:59.398-04:00In Search of Me, I have found nothing I write and ...In Search of Me, I have found nothing I write and submit on my iPhone ever shows up even when it verifies it is submitted. My iPad and desktop both work. I have no idea why but this is what I have found. Good luck figuring it out since I think this website is one of the best resources.Hopeful 30noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-61844574958993368522016-10-10T14:08:33.419-04:002016-10-10T14:08:33.419-04:00Suzannah, This is pretty much how I currently feel...Suzannah, This is pretty much how I currently feel at around 18 months. I literally listen to my husband and I think he said those things then most likely hopped on his iPad and followed his affair partner lives on FB or texted or emailed them. Or ended up meeting up with them. My husbands affairs were sporadic so it was not obvious that he was engaged with other women. And I too asked him how he interacted with women when he went out with his friends. I asked if he got attention from them or flirted with them. He said never to my face. He gave me amazing gifts, his cards were filled with thoughtful words, he planned amazing vacations. So now when this year he did not give me any card for our anniversary and instead said he decided to clean up our first floor of our house while I was working I was kind of sad. But then the flip side is I thought to myself what does a card mean. I have a stack of cards from 10 years of our marriage while all of this was going on filled with amazing words. He will tell me it was not black and white but to me it is so hard to move past. It is so hard to truly trust again. Can it ever be there. I thought over time as he proved himself we would grow closer. For a while we did but now I feel like is this it? I just have to wonder the rest of my life if he is always being honest. And I feel like with technology it could come at us from so many directions. Other women, online communication, texting, porn, etc. Without our kids being part of this equation I am not sure if I could do this. It is hard to even know what to say to him. He says the most amazing things to me but I always wonder in the back of my mind is this the truth or just what he is telling me.Hopeful 30noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-28937213171273858782016-10-10T09:36:27.574-04:002016-10-10T09:36:27.574-04:00This quote resonated with me. I cannot get the ima...This quote resonated with me. I cannot get the image to upload, however<br /><br />https://www.pinterest.com/pin/233905774375114936/Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-79302537911249702862016-10-10T09:21:14.098-04:002016-10-10T09:21:14.098-04:00Anon, I too am struggling with respect and love fo...Anon, I too am struggling with respect and love for him. I think my biggest problem is that he was always the 'perfect husband', saying and doing all the right things, always made me feel loved and cherished. So now he says 'all the right things' again, in his recovery/atonement stage, and I am deeply suspicious, I tell him: "You sound too much like the 'other you'". He says he really felt that way then, it wasn't an act, because he compartmentalized the serial cheating and betrayal, but I'm still calling bullshit on that, I cannot wrap my head around how you can look into my eyes and lie that you aren't cheating (yes, I asked a few times when my Spidey Sense was tingling) and have compartmentalized your cheating so much you claim to have blocked it out while answering me. Not to mention how he has told me he couldn't forgive his ex wife for doing exactly the same to him when he asked her. <br />Ooops, I digress. Sorry. Obviously I am still working through this. I think I am blurring who he was and the respect I had for him before the pedestal fell (I like that, Anon) and the person he says he is now...damnit, they just look and sound too similar to me. It is definitely not fair to him now, if he is in fact doing all this work to repair the marriage, but my phoenix is rabidly cautious about trusting what I see. I tell him I do not love him, but I wonder how much of that is a self defense mechanism. I ran my first marathon yesterday and he was cheering at the finish and I was so glad to see him, in fact, I was looking for him as I finished. So is the fact that I was wanting him to share that accomplishment with me a good sign? Or is he just a habit with me at this point?<br />(Backstory: he is a wonderful father to our two young children and I don't want to upset their lives before I am 100% sure I am done, so I gave him aprox a year to show me he is committed to rebuilding).<br />I think it is only natural we question our love and respect for them, after all, they deeply fractured our faith and trust in our own perceptions. I keep telling him: "you didn't just kill our marriage, you killed my trust in myself'. I question everything now, what motives do others have, what lies beneath??Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-9426359922488903932016-10-08T07:14:07.274-04:002016-10-08T07:14:07.274-04:00Elle I'm doing a test post. I have posted on h...Elle I'm doing a test post. I have posted on her a few times and it doesn't show..I write out my feelings and they disappear..I was hoping for some feed back.In Search of Mehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17391372292945612871noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-64626002691281088742016-10-07T08:27:55.574-04:002016-10-07T08:27:55.574-04:00Here is an article I read on staying in the marria...Here is an article I read on staying in the marriage that really helped me stay strong. It also may give you answers for all the naysayers who have never walked even two seconds in our shoes! http://beyondaffairs.com/how-to-rebuild-your-marriage/is-staying-in-a-marriage-after-an-affair-stupid/Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-68790938011057916382016-10-06T21:24:15.950-04:002016-10-06T21:24:15.950-04:00So glad to read, Elle, that you've recovered r...So glad to read, Elle, that you've recovered respect for you husband. That's my main struggle and the main thought that pops into my head...how much respect I've lost for him. (And maybe love? That one scares me a bit.) The pedestal came crashing down and while it will never go back up, I was hoping by now (2+ years) that some of the respect would have returned, especially since he's done the hard work and continues to try to make things right. I know how ashamed he is, so why haven't I been able to regain some of the respect I've lost for him? Maybe it just needs to work itself out and I need to trust in my process- whatever that is. I know it takes from 2-5 years; it's such a slow, cyclic process. <br />C.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-47967751169961094782016-10-06T20:49:57.049-04:002016-10-06T20:49:57.049-04:00Thank you for writing this, Elle. I have been thin...Thank you for writing this, Elle. I have been thinking about this since I heard the comments about "enabling". It's disgusting and insulting to betrayed spouses on so many levels. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-23367413468079665682016-10-05T15:15:01.179-04:002016-10-05T15:15:01.179-04:00So true it is hard for me to accept the evolution ...So true it is hard for me to accept the evolution of this process. I feel like once I am done with one stage I should move on and proceed somewhat orderly. But it is anything but that. My husband and I had a long discussion about the secrecy we have now created. He feels like maybe I am suffering from the same issues he did keeping it a secret for 10 years. It is as if I have taken on his shame and now suffer the consequences. Yet I am cautious about telling others. I know that it might not all be positive. I have only told one therapist otherwise no one else knows. Hopeful 30noreply@blogger.com