tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post1165298643048562648..comments2024-03-27T21:50:33.178-04:00Comments on Betrayed Wives' Club: Wednesday Word HugEllehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comBlogger45125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-46045282117937818832016-06-29T14:28:32.996-04:002016-06-29T14:28:32.996-04:00Steam
Thank you for your words. It is a hard proc...Steam<br /><br />Thank you for your words. It is a hard process to go thorough. And you are exactly right I need to trust my gut. If I am overprotective then so be it. I have said this before my therapist says it is good if I error on the side of caution at this point and my husband has to deal with it.<br /><br />As with all of us so much has been uncovered. It was not just two affairs, secret fb account, secret email account, im, pornography... Of course on dday he disclosed what he felt would do the least damage. I got the gloss over about fb. He stopped using it but I wanted to get at the root of these things. And the pornograohy. Of course another secret thing and really no way to know how often he used it for sure. Everything was minimized. And I had to hear his plain vanilla take on porn. Well I understand it for some people but for someone who has done what he has. We had a lot of discussions about it. Too much to detail here. We went through cutting back whatever that is to now not using at all. It is the honor system of course but he swears that he has not used it. And what is interesting is he says sex is totally different now for him. i had two major issues one was he lacks sex drive and everything I have read talks about that being an issue for men as they age. And the second thing is related to affairs, online relationships to me it seems obvious that it is a practice that mimics and could feed into affairs and all of those types of behaviors. I even feel like his affairs were very much like porn for many. His affairs were sporadic and went through cycles even though they lasted 10 years. I could go on and on. I find it challenging since he has a tendency to minimiz everything. I get it as related to of course he wants to do it he hates himself for it. And also due to his profession he has the "professional training and background and what he has seen in his practice". Well I have just said to him we need to deal with these things if you want this second chance to continue. At one point he had the nerve to tell me that watching porn is just want guys do and there is no difference in today's porn compared to magazines back in the 70's. Well that did not go over well. And I have done my research. And I made sure to not pull from religious sources but credible sources. It just drives me crazy coming from his profession, I feel like why am I in the role as the counselor. <br /><br />As far as records go I have access to everything. All passwords etc, phone.. When dday came he had been done with the one affair for over a year. I could only get 18 months of phone records and text only went three months back. In a way though it is a false sense of security due to the fact that his work phone and computer are all 100% confidential. I will never have access to those and his work email. So no matter how much I check who knows what happens there. He would have to be a sociopath to be doing anything right now based on how he treats me, how much time we spend together and what he says to me. But if there is an off day I bring it up. I have brought up that if someone contacts him he better tell me. If he thinks he can deal with it himself and save me upset that is a huge mistake. Better to be upfront. And he agreed that we will decide as a couple how to respond to any contact. <br /><br />We are due for some conversations as we have been sailing along. It is a lot of work and worth it. I will not back down and just ride along. I am exhausted but I am persistent.Hopeful 30noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-57417898675165901492016-06-28T04:06:55.320-04:002016-06-28T04:06:55.320-04:00Hopeful I only bring this up, and I am NOT saying ...Hopeful I only bring this up, and I am NOT saying your H is a sex addict. But come to find out three weeks ago mine is. And funny because two things that DID help me were close to 10 years old. I just KNEW in my body soul and gut that 2013 or even the chaos of his 2015 were not his only transgressions. So after 2013 disclosure and the more recent (we are we are separated ) disclosure of the last few weeks. Nothing formal-- he FINALLY gave up the details he would not cop to before and gave me another I did not know. 2 more actually. His pain is freeking DEEP. so is mine. But I know where mind is coming from and he is just exploring his. After reviewing my journals from 2015 it's true he had come SO far. Had changed SO much but it was not enough. It was NOT everything. Like you I remember everything, except I didn't. My journal my own words BLINDSIDED me. I can't believe the things I discovered. (Tiny) and the things I had felt (larger) added to to something too HUGE to be contained in this writing space. <br /> Hopefully, Hopeful this time my husband and yours take it seriously enough to get to the root and then learn to TALK. And listen and hear and understand. and not just RESPOND to me. They need to Be PROACTIVE (they sure were with the side whores) not reactive. If you feel uneasy write it down. Later you can decide what's important. Really important. And do not. Do NOT let him off the hook. He can do better even if he' looks like he's doing the best he can. I suggest phone records. Not kidding. They give cold hard dates. Just my two cents. You're worth imore than that, woman. Steamnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-28796473396688647492016-06-27T15:57:58.105-04:002016-06-27T15:57:58.105-04:00I'm with you, Steam. It's a process, of co...I'm with you, Steam. It's a process, of course. Someone who has spent a lifetime avoiding uncomfortable feelings likely won't be able to suddenly talk about everything, even with the risk of losing their betrayed wife hanging over their heads. But any who doggedly refuse to talk about what happened, who refuse to be fully accountable, who insist that they need to " move on" even with the spouse desperate to know more, to share her pain, etc. is a HUGE red flag. It shows that while they might not be cheating at the moment, they've learned nothing that will stop them from doing it again. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-43050872092940892142016-06-27T12:09:00.999-04:002016-06-27T12:09:00.999-04:00This is so simple yet so complicated. For me it wa...This is so simple yet so complicated. For me it was simple. I am someone that remembers details of every aspect of my life. My husband lacks this skill even good things from childhood he has no memory. His memories are vague of the best of times. My therapist said I should get whatever answers help me get to the point of moving forward with or without him. He said some people need very little and others want every detail. He did caution against getting stuck or into such great details since many times the betrayed regrets it in the end and ends up more hurt. But he said at some point there has to be a reasonable amount of disclosure. <br /><br />I demanded to know as much as possible. It focused on the beginning and ending of the affairs. The one thought he still to this day cannot tell me which year it began. He knows it was the fall and between two years but no clue. He can tell me the last time he saw the one but no idea of the exact week or day they stopped texting. The other Ap he only saw three times in 10 years so that was easier and all on trips. What I forcused on was how it started, what led up to it, how did it continue, how did they communicate, how did it end. As he told me he hated it deep down and dreaded every time he heard from them yet he did not stop. He tried to block it out and of course is great at compartamentalizing which helped him get through his day to day life without feeling like a total jerk. <br /><br />At times I wonder do I know enough, I think at this point if I demand more our marriage will end. I am a more type a person and would love to have a list typed up of when they were together and all their communication. I know that is not possible since this stretches back 10 years. And as my therapist said will this really help you. I guess the only thing is and I have said it to my husband is if a "shoe" drops it would be a major or permanent setback. He swears there is nothing of substance he has not told me. We have moved past all of this and I have really demanded and we continue to discuss where he was in his life that this became an option. For me that is the heart of all of this. These women exist everywhere as I can see now with my eyes wide open. He is very transparent now and tells me everything in order to build our trust and the foundation of our marriage. Things are good but it feels like at times I am on my own. Hopeful 30noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-42398400395448591202016-06-26T06:13:09.922-04:002016-06-26T06:13:09.922-04:00Shelley When the guys won't talk this is a big...Shelley When the guys won't talk this is a big red flag in my opinion. It hurts them, what they have done, and they want to avoid the pain. Well they have to claim that pain, face that pain, deal with the pain and get to the root of that pain. My h did EVERYTHING except deal with the root of his pain. With the help of a therapist I would advise a full disclosure. I know now my h held two thing back and then started up again a year later. Full blown sex addiction. He is now dealing with the origin of that pain. Look under "books" here and take a look at the disclosure link I posted last week. Know that you deserve answers. But ask yourself first what you really WANT to know. Because you want to protect yourself too. I have spent the last two and a half weeks compiling the questions I want answers to and the reasons why. You deserve as much truth as you know what you can deal with. Be gentle and careful with yourself . You cannot continue to be shut out Hugs to you Steamnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-30764249348614762392016-06-24T09:18:09.667-04:002016-06-24T09:18:09.667-04:00Shelley ... your story is exactly mine ... some of...Shelley ... your story is exactly mine ... some of my husbands explanations to a tee! I get it ... 4mo out still sooooo raw hang in there. Woundednoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-74618782672898700342016-06-23T23:27:43.616-04:002016-06-23T23:27:43.616-04:00That's so right! I get mad when he tells me he...That's so right! I get mad when he tells me he doesn't want to talk or answer my questions. <br /><br />It's important. <br /><br />Shelleynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-33250668138321145472016-06-23T23:24:11.008-04:002016-06-23T23:24:11.008-04:00I've had those moments. My thing was hoping he...I've had those moments. My thing was hoping he would die. I was like me and my son need an in ground pool and the life insurance would more than cover that. <br /><br />While I don't wish he would really die, more for my sons sake, those thoughts have been there in anger. <br /><br />Like we should get some reward for this nightmare they put us through. <br /><br />Shelleynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-85162482343902082582016-06-23T23:19:43.626-04:002016-06-23T23:19:43.626-04:00I came to a realization about the OWs.
They walk ...I came to a realization about the OWs.<br /><br />They walk into a situation knowing they are not the only woman. Making a choice to share. <br /><br />There's something deeply wrong with them. <br /><br />They lack many things to include basic self esteem. They are desperate and selfish. <br /><br />My OW was waiting to be with my H. Of course he was promising that although he insists he never meant it. Was just initially to get the constant attention. Later she started the threats to tell me so he did it to keep me from finding out. <br /><br />She told me because he finally pushed her away. At least that's his story. <br /><br />And she was heartless and cold to me. She told me he didn't love me and only wanted her. That he didn't care about our son even. That actually made me laugh. <br /><br />She said that I was stupid for staying (even tho at the time I had told him he had to move out and I was done) with a cheater when she walked into this knowing he was married. <br /><br />I informed her time and and again that all he had to do was leave....IF he only wanted her it was that simple.. Yet he never did. <br /><br />And everything in our life is in my name and financially I don't need him. I flat out said he could have packed up his shit in an afternoon and left. <br /><br />Still she insisted she was the only one he loved and had a bunch of reason why he hadn't left. She had no clue about the amazing life we had started together yet felt like she was the love of his life. <br /><br />He insists he liked the attention as he felt like I no longer loved him. And things were bad. We had not even slept in the same bed in months. Not excusing him, just explaining. <br /><br />We knew we wanted to be together within 20 mins of meeting and were head of heels in love for many years. <br /><br />We went thru some hard times, fought and lost that connection. <br /><br />He said she filled the void but all he really wanted was me. <br /><br />Who knows. It's hard when there were so many lies. <br /><br />But he says all the time he's releived he's no longer having her threatening to tell me. We eventually got back in the same bad and he is never far from my side. It's at times like it was back in the good days.....expect moments I want to kill him for not just coming to me. I would have gone out of my way to fix things. <br /><br />If only we could go back..<br /><br />Sometimes when it slips my mind briefly, I have moments I'm so happy yet I always remember and it ruins it. <br /><br />It's such a process. <br /><br />Reading others stories helps so much. <br />. <br /><br />You all have a good night! <br /><br /><br />Shelleynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-31818413587699078512016-06-23T10:55:33.204-04:002016-06-23T10:55:33.204-04:00"We think everybody thinks like us."
T..."We think everybody thinks like us." <br />That is so true and I had to really come to grips with this. And then I am learning to let go of expecting people to be better than they are. Then figure out the extent to which I can have a relationship with them.<br /><br />The thing I am realizing is that it is a near impossible task for people to see the hurt, pain or wreckage they cause. Those of us who open our hearts to ourselves, are more likely to be able to do that, but it is not an easy thing and certainly not something that happens suddenly. People, especially OWs and cheaters, who walk through life mindlessly, are especially stuck in this mire of being blind to others and to themselves and do miss out on living a full hearted life.MBShttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10168863416317700184noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-27283007354125949662016-06-22T10:40:19.001-04:002016-06-22T10:40:19.001-04:00No worries, Beach Girl. Thanks for understanding. ...No worries, Beach Girl. Thanks for understanding. Who is the writer? Happy to link to her Web page if you think it's good information. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-81441538615743899692016-06-21T15:50:48.229-04:002016-06-21T15:50:48.229-04:00Elle, thanks for that tidbit about the Huffington ...Elle, thanks for that tidbit about the Huffington Post. I had no idea. The SW who wrote that article has a new book on triggers. Unfortunately, I cry when I start reading it. She also has a class coming up online. I am sure others can search for her name and find her web site. No offense taken. This is a learning experience for me. Love and Peace, Beach GirlAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-58284249074052892822016-06-21T13:26:21.908-04:002016-06-21T13:26:21.908-04:00Those conversations are tough but a big part of he...Those conversations are tough but a big part of healing is, as they say, "closing the door to the affair partner and opening a window to the spouse." We need to see what the affair looked like before we can decide how to move forward. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-36975413676573756982016-06-21T13:23:15.597-04:002016-06-21T13:23:15.597-04:00Sam A,
I don't know how old your kids are but ...Sam A,<br />I don't know how old your kids are but it's really tough to hold onto yourself when kids are young, especially if you're a stay-at-home mom. I was so focussed on wiping butts and cooking meals, that I didn't know who I was or what I wanted. I just went along...until my life blew up and I started realizing that I was allowed to have wants and needs that didn't serve other people. The pool boy might be fun until you realize he speaks in emoticons and LOLs. That will get old...fast. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-35092137444699430752016-06-21T12:59:15.672-04:002016-06-21T12:59:15.672-04:00It is interesting since my husband's affairs w...It is interesting since my husband's affairs were long but sporadic both around 10 years. So neither if them meant much. He knew as little as possible about these women. The one he only saw three times. She texted him one time after dday and he said stop contact not me, leave me alone and that as it. Zero contact in way over a year. The other one I am less sure of he did "break up" with her but they did keep texting for a month or two he is unsure since it was a year before dday. As he said he did not want to remember these details since they were the worst memories of his life, nothing to celebrate. She found a new guy right away and he heard from her one time when the person that introduced them died. We discussed what he should do and we decided he would not reply and he did not go to the funeral in case either of the ow would be there since this friend who died introduced them both to my husband. And from what he has told me there has been zero contact. They were both single but who knows dating others and he says he has no idea what they wanted. He says there was not discussion of me or our marriage and he has no intention of leaving. In general it was a selfish, immature, escape for him. For them who knows. I have no idea if they cared or not really. I guess at a certain point I let it go. It was not worth wasting my energy on when I am not sure I would get realistic answers from anyone. And the last thing I would do would be to contact the ow since why would I believe them. My husband and I had some honest conversations about what these relationships were like and meant since exact details were sketchy. I am a type a person wanting to know the exact details but over time and our discussions I realized it was not possible. So as I said we had long discussions about his relationships with them and me and our future. It was a lot to work though but it worked for us be we keep moving forward.Hopeful 30noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-49437597169310794442016-06-21T12:43:00.440-04:002016-06-21T12:43:00.440-04:00Interesting that is my husband's measure for h...Interesting that is my husband's measure for himself in what he says and how he behaves. He says it is the easiest way for him to self assess. And he says it is easy he wants to live his life that way and that it has been freeing. A friend was begging him to go to a strip club after dinner and watching the bball game and he said it was the easiest decision ever. It is interesting how he sees everything differently now. I have really sat back and washed him make these changes. We do talk a lot about areas of concerns, triggers and boundaries. Even still before he goes out he brings up his plans and I like that he is intiating it. And he is thinking about it days in advance. It is to the point I do not have to bring up these things. What a process but it is easier seeing him as a major active participant and driving the change.Hopeful 30noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-50533951666795999332016-06-21T12:34:07.737-04:002016-06-21T12:34:07.737-04:00Ditto Elle, Ditto Elle, Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14621994625215389891noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-33742083902924964652016-06-21T12:32:11.869-04:002016-06-21T12:32:11.869-04:00'Running away with the pool boy' sounds gr...'Running away with the pool boy' sounds great Elle : ) <br /><br />Your right though Elle, I really have lost that fiery person I used to be, yes I'm a mother of 2 now, a wife but I'm so much more too... I'm gonna give this some thought and see what I come up with..there's so much more to me, more to life than I'm creating...,. Watch this space and thanks Elle this is just what I needed today.. Love and light my dear friend xxxAnonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14621994625215389891noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-63308862476549482272016-06-21T12:20:04.780-04:002016-06-21T12:20:04.780-04:00"Isn't someone I want to hang out with.&q..."Isn't someone I want to hang out with." Oh Melissa, THAT is the crux of it, isn't it? That's just so not me. I turn over everything and examine it from every angle. I LOVE thinking about why we do things. I read everything I can get my hands on that reveals humanity in all its complexity. To some people, I'm undoubtedly hopelessly dull or a buzzkill or "unchill" (my kids' new favorite word). To me, what could be more fascinating? You! YOU are the women I want to hang out with!!!! Who bring such compassion and intelligence and thought to all of us. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-48100524125690326592016-06-21T12:17:00.208-04:002016-06-21T12:17:00.208-04:00Sam A,
Maybe this is a signal that you need to cre...Sam A,<br />Maybe this is a signal that you need to create a situation (financially and emotionally) where staying feels like a choice, and not a prison term. What could you do to even begin creating that situation? It's hard to rebuild a marriage when you feel like you have no choice but to stay with a selfish bastard. And level-headed isn't such a bad thing. But maybe you need a bit more spontaneity in your life. Maybe you need to reconnect with that fun person who thew caution to the wind a bit more. I'm not suggesting you run away with the pool boy but maybe a night out with some girlfriends. Maybe a new hobby. Who knows?Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-52344171926337416372016-06-21T12:14:21.484-04:002016-06-21T12:14:21.484-04:00Grace,
I can imagine how difficult this would be f...Grace,<br />I can imagine how difficult this would be for you and how much pain it would dredge up. If your husband is up to it, however, it's a chance for him to show that he's NOT like his brother. That he IS man enough to own his mistakes and make amends for them. His behaviour, putting his head in the sand until the crisis blows over, is just evidence that he's learned nothing from the affair - or at least, that he hasn't learned the value of owning up to our feelings and sharing them with the person closest to us.<br />Can you two see a couples counsellor to help you over this rough spot? Seeing the pain of the divorcing couple and the ugliness might be a powerful motivator to help each of you re-commit, assuming he deserves it. And Grace, you're within your rights to NOT listen to her. Is there some reason you're not confiding in her your own situation? If you're not close, perhaps she'd be better to take her pain to another friend who can be more compassionate. In any case, your job isn't to take care of others, it's to respect yourself and your own needs right now. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-47468453480831483032016-06-21T12:09:39.131-04:002016-06-21T12:09:39.131-04:00LLP,
You are so NOT nuts. I'm always so stunne...LLP,<br />You are so NOT nuts. I'm always so stunned at your insight and the incredible depth and breadth of your heart. Lynn, we think everybody thinks like us. We think everybody comes at life with hearts open and wide and that everybody can be trusted. And then we realize, as you did with Blueberry Homewrecker, that some people just skate on the surface of life. Taking this, trying that, but never really examining their choices, never being accountable for how they impact other people. It's such a mindless way of living that it's utterly foreign to me. It frightens me, honestly. But within that fear is something I need to wrestle with. <br />She's likely someone who walks away from problems, rather than deals with them. Which, of course, is her choice. But she probably misses out on a lot of life's deeper riches, like being truly loved by someone who knows the deepest parts of ourselves. Loving ourselves, even though we acknowledge our darkest selves. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-55759499297953048642016-06-21T11:56:13.175-04:002016-06-21T11:56:13.175-04:00Hate to be a party pooper but I don't click on...Hate to be a party pooper but I don't click on Huffington Post articles because, as a writer, I HATE that they don't pay their contributors. I think it's total exploitation and I have no idea how Arianna Huffington promotes "good sleep" when too many freelance writers and photographers can't sleep because they're financially destitute thanks to business models like HuffPo. <br />So...that's my rant. But I won't stop anyone who wants to click and read the info. And please, Beach Girl, I'm not blaming you for posting it. In fact, I appreciate when we all share resources (just not HuffPo. :) )<br />Best distinction I heard re. secrecy? If you wouldn't do it/say it with your spouse standing right beside you, you shouldn't be doing it/saying it. It's really that simple. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-58709157175869029102016-06-21T11:53:07.572-04:002016-06-21T11:53:07.572-04:00Denise,
You're at a crossroads. And it can fee...Denise,<br />You're at a crossroads. And it can feel hard to make a choice, especially later in life when we know we don't have as much time. But it can also be easier in that we know we don't have as much time. Does this guy share your dreams and goals for how you want to live out the rest of your life? Are there things you want to be free to do that he gets in the way of? Or is your life richer with him it? Can you rebuild a relationship that's better than the old one? Might help to talk this over with someone who can completely clear-eyed about it. Someone who knows you and might be able to offer some thoughts of their own. None of our time is "wasted", I don't think, even when things don't turn out how we expected. There's undoubtedly things that he brought to your life that you wouldn't have otherwise had. But now's time to figure out whether he's outlived his usefulness in your life. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-25595914072914545842016-06-21T11:49:56.665-04:002016-06-21T11:49:56.665-04:00Absolutely depression is linked to affairs. Think ...Absolutely depression is linked to affairs. Think of affairs as self-medicating. They're an injection of dopamine. They offer excitement and novelty. They're intoxicating. <br />They're also...toxic. But that usually isn't discovered until it's too late.<br />Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.com