tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post1562583821604929605..comments2024-03-27T21:50:33.178-04:00Comments on Betrayed Wives' Club: Letting Go of Heavy: Sometimes healing means putting down the painEllehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comBlogger84125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-17025238811379188522015-06-07T09:03:27.319-04:002015-06-07T09:03:27.319-04:00We were grocery shopping yesterday and he was hype...We were grocery shopping yesterday and he was hyper and kept picking fight this in the store. He wouldn't listen and I was so frustrated that I started dropping F bombs in the store and that's something I don't do...well in public. I know that I've dropped more F bombs at home to when we're alone. <br /><br />Thanks for this article. It helped me to put things in perspective. Annenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-83446946151564024262015-06-03T17:09:09.208-04:002015-06-03T17:09:09.208-04:00Incidentally, the book is called Kids Are Worth It...Incidentally, the book is called Kids Are Worth It! but it's a great book to learn about dealing with any difficult people in your life. It's all about boundaries and self-respect.Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-22684541165141730822015-06-03T17:04:20.968-04:002015-06-03T17:04:20.968-04:00TH,
Yep, there's a huge different between ass...TH,<br />Yep, there's a huge different between assertive and aggressive. Assertive is standing in our own power, aggressive is demanding the other person concede power.<br />Colours talks about countermove in what she terms the "three cons". I once wrote them down and put them my fridge so that when my kids were doing it, it would remind me to just calm down and realize that they were just trying to get me to back down and let them have a cookie, watch TV or whatever. By simply staying, calmly and firmly, "no", eventually they realized I wasn't going to back down. <br />The three "cons" are:<br />•weeping, wailing, begging, bribing, gnashing of teeth<br />•anger and aggression<br />•sulking<br />Most people have their favourite "con". I know I tend to sulk when I'm not getting my way. My husband gets angry. And often we've been sorta "trained" to respond. For instance, when we used to get angry, I would get angry back (because his anger scared me) and we would get into an argument and, eventually, I would back down. Now I'm able to simply say, "I won't discuss this if you can't speak to me respectfully" and it diffuses the situation. Works with husbands, works with kids. But the BIG bonus is mostly that you RECOGNIZE what's happening as a "con" and that it's nothing personal.<br />Does that help? I will try and write a post about it.Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-10743498287096346212015-06-03T13:24:51.669-04:002015-06-03T13:24:51.669-04:00Elle
Hey this is interesting. That's EXACTLY...Elle<br /><br />Hey this is interesting. That's EXACTLY what it is. They know Good Ole TryingHard and that she will bark loudly and then back down!!! Yep things will go back to the way they were. I've never heard of Countermoves but that is def what my family does to me. Can you explain what some of the countermoves are? My H is a PRO at his countermoves against my boundaries. I've found the most effective way of thwarting his counter moves is to remain silent. It kills him. He can't stand not knowing what I'm thinking. Or I have a really snarky way of saying Unh hunh.....<br /><br />My therapist told me I needed to be more assertive. I cannot tell you how my family reacted when I told them that!! She explained there's a big difference between being assertive and just showing and verbalizing anger. Say what you mean and mean what you say, OR speak softly and carry a big stick?? I'm pretty sure by being more assertive she meant draw those boundary lines. Jesus God I've drawn so many friggin boundary lines I'm running out of ink!!!<br /><br />Anyway I love this countermove theory. If you could steer me in the right direction with regards to and books or articles on this let me know. Love it, thanks ladies. You women here are GENIUSES!!!!TryingHardhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11598084690617343428noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-54012572283194000102015-06-03T11:20:38.704-04:002015-06-03T11:20:38.704-04:00"I learned slowly it's okay to express ne..."I learned slowly it's okay to express needs and state limits but to remain flexible in changing or evaluating. Real intimacy and personal growth are validated through the boundaries we set. I wish I had discovered this news-to-me fact years ago...but hey, it's never too late to learn. I’m still a work in progress." These are words to live by.<br />Merilee Lanehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16174445990713276239noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-52714112802470625122015-06-03T11:04:28.414-04:002015-06-03T11:04:28.414-04:00Merilee Lane,
H'mmm...I thought I had but when...Merilee Lane,<br />H'mmm...I thought I had but when I do a search, I noticed that I only reference this stuff in the comments, not the post itself. So...thanks for the suggestion. I'll get to work on it.<br />In the meantime, this one's from a good and brilliant friend of mine:<br />http://betrayedwivesclub.blogspot.ca/2009/11/guest-blog-b-is-for-boundaries.htmlEllehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-51635222751084043342015-06-03T10:22:25.047-04:002015-06-03T10:22:25.047-04:00Elle, I think this would make a great post. Bound...Elle, I think this would make a great post. Boundaries are so important to establish love for ourselves and begin new lives with our husbands.Merilee Lanehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16174445990713276239noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-10605411979446414882015-06-03T10:04:30.592-04:002015-06-03T10:04:30.592-04:00Parenting guru Barbara Coloroso has been instrumen...Parenting guru Barbara Coloroso has been instrumental in helping me understand boundaries and what she calls "countermoves". Any time we change the "rules" (ie. by starting to insist upon respect, for instance), we can expect countermoves, usually in the form of some sort of tantrum, even a quiet one. Of course, the countermove is designed -- whether consciously or more likely unconsciously -- to get us to back down. To go back to the way things were when we were doormats. Not gonna happen. But by anticipating the countermoves we can see them for exactly what they are and not engage in them. <br />Coloroso was talking about dealing with kids...but I've discovered her methods work as well with unhealthy adults. Once, for example, I was able to see my mother-in-laws nasty little comments as countermoves, I was able to stop taking them personally and see them a mini temper tantrums because I was establishing boundaries with her and she didn't like it. What a Eureka moment that was. Changed my whole relationship with her. I was able to even like her once I stopped seeing her as the enemy and started seeing her as a messed up person with plenty of issues and no healthy way to deal with them.<br />Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-59984891614368939642015-06-02T17:08:59.798-04:002015-06-02T17:08:59.798-04:00Hi k,
Like you this site was my saviour in the ea...Hi k, <br />Like you this site was my saviour in the early days, I would spend hours reading and responding, this site was and still is my therapy. I am 20 months out and I can relate to all you have been through and are currently going through. Time is a great healer, you sound like you are in control of the situation ( as much as you can be) and that will stand you in good stead for tomorrow and the day after. I'm pretty certain that with hard work and commitment from your h you will reinvent a marriage that you deserve. You will be just fine, your a strong lady. And your h is the lucky one to be given a second chance. Sending you lots of love. <br /><br />SamAnonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10071329217675295943noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-32449642978678049122015-06-02T16:20:20.682-04:002015-06-02T16:20:20.682-04:00Thank you Elle. In fact all this rejection has gi...Thank you Elle. In fact all this rejection has given me a ton of strength. I know I'm a good person, I know I have a lot to offer everyone, I know in my heart I have the best intentions but can sometimes be perceived as not so. Doesn't make it any less true. Sometimes we can be too good to people. I think that has been my problem in the past. To those to whom we've been too good and have decided we need to draw boundaries, well they get a littttle testy right :) I guess my point is if someone doesn't appreciate it and wants to cut me out of their life, well so be it. That's not to say I don't look at myself and think WTF :)TryingHardhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11598084690617343428noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-68090559626377244532015-06-02T15:12:30.747-04:002015-06-02T15:12:30.747-04:00TH,
It's hard to not let everything else in ou...TH,<br />It's hard to not let everything else in our lives be coloured by how we perceive ourselves re. the affair. It gets easier...but I know early on, I found myself crippled by otherwise small things. A friend cancels lunch last minute and I would fall apart, feeling worthless and easily tossed aside. A child would stomp her feet and offer up the "you're not my best friend!" and my heart would break. When we're already feeling so fragile, even the smallest slights feel devastating. <br />That's when we need to practice radical self-care and kindness. <br />And trust that our perspective does return eventually. In fact, I'm far less quick to make assumptions or judgements, having gone through what I did. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-3419077388407819792015-06-02T12:32:10.858-04:002015-06-02T12:32:10.858-04:00Thank you for your reply Elle! I am so thankful f...Thank you for your reply Elle! I am so thankful for this site you created and it's so comforting to read about others who have been through this! i have amazing friends that I've confided in and have helped me through the darkest days. Calling and texting me daily.. Supporting every choice I've made and reminding me that I can and will get through this...but at 27.. Married with children is rare in our big circle.. A few of our friends are married and very few have children..none of these good friends have experienced this like all of you have.. So i can't tell you how much It helps to connect with people who have my exact thoughts! I am addicted to this site.. I have spent so many hours in the last couple days here (not getting much housework done) but I'm grateful. Hang in there everyone, better days are coming! Hugs xoxo<br /><br />KAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-31750305134317529072015-06-02T12:22:26.423-04:002015-06-02T12:22:26.423-04:00To all above my love goes OUT TO YOU all (amazing ...To all above my love goes OUT TO YOU all (amazing women)<br /><br />The phrase we have used regarding truth telling (and it's a rocket ride) because it's completely different now but we are:<br /><br />Willing to be "Disturbed."<br /><br />(can't remember who said that) <br /><br />but my husband and I bring every fear and shadow into the room in front of us. I had to however learn not to blow him up (reverse PTSD) and help him because he "hates anger" directed at him. Bit tricky since I like to blow things up when enraged.<br /><br />I tell him when those shadow thoughts creep in daylight or in dreams...those existential fears of creeping "other women." They may come occasionally forever...doubts. It is frightening but I believe the truth heals and from what happened you can never kill me again!<br /><br />Trying hard said it and so did my husband repeatedly when I'd doubt (his or my own best interests) if these men really wanted to be with someone else they would be. And so would we.<br /><br />Love<br />Val Valkyriehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02185442228341503805noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-14297954966735010402015-06-02T11:50:30.944-04:002015-06-02T11:50:30.944-04:00Elle
This is exactly what my therapist told me!! O...Elle<br />This is exactly what my therapist told me!! Oh yes I work very hard a being brave and vulnerable and try to dismantle that brick wall. I will take some bricks down and the something scary occurs to me or even happens and back up the bricks go!!! So freaking frustrating! But yes, if you don't allow yourself to be vulnerable to pain you will miss the joy too.TryingHardhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11598084690617343428noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-37812180801001629402015-06-02T11:38:04.370-04:002015-06-02T11:38:04.370-04:00Hey! I'm glad you found us...and that you sha...Hey! I'm glad you found us...and that you shared your story. You'll likely have read so many stories that sound like yours. I hope that gives you some comfort.<br />It sounds as if you're doing really great. You're strong, you've got incredible support and you've got such clear boundaries around what you will and will not tolerate. We could all learn a lot from you!<br />I would urge you to stop checking the OW's FB at all. She's poison. Avoid her. You have nothing to gain.<br />Focus on you, your kids and rebuilding your marriage. I think you're going to be just fine as long as you and your husband recognize just how crucial it is to talk about things before they become crises. <br />Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-30782706506902505172015-06-02T11:31:33.326-04:002015-06-02T11:31:33.326-04:00Merilee,
I wholeheartedly endorse every word you j...Merilee,<br />I wholeheartedly endorse every word you just wrote.<br />It is scary. And it can be so tempting to stay wrapped up tight. I did that. And it might have protected me from something...but I know it prevented me from also feeling anything else. If you shut off the potential for pain, you shut off the potential for joy. <br />And you're right. Having been hurt so profoundly, our hearts and brains are in survival mode, which includes shutting out any potential to be hurt by that same person again.<br />Which is what makes rebuilding a marriage so tricky but potentially so healing. <br />We will be hurt again. Not necessarily by infidelity but by tiny slights, large misunderstandings. And we will hurt others. That's a part of relationships.<br />And it's the cost of opening our hearts. But the price we pay for keeping them closed is a bleak life.Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-84757870311180510332015-06-02T10:58:46.433-04:002015-06-02T10:58:46.433-04:00"Risk your hearts with each other." Tho..."Risk your hearts with each other." Those are powerful words and even more powerful actions, but REALLY FRIGHTENING. As my husband opens his heart to me a little more each day, I have been considering taking baby steps in this direction. OMG is it scary! So much so that it can be paralyzing. I know this needs to be the next step if any of us ever want to actually feel anything in life again, but the thought of being hurt and vulnerable after what we’ve suffered can certainly be overwhelming. <br /><br />I guess the bottom line is that no one can swim with only one toe dipped in the water. Eventually we all need to immerse ourselves if we are to live a full life. But there are no guarantees we won't be hurt again. In fact, we just need to know and accept going in that we will be hurt again. We also need to know without a doubt that we are strong enough to handle it. Hopefully we will not be hurt in the same way, but the truth is that human beings are far from perfect and, therefore, our relationships are perfectly imperfect. I guess it's life’s imperfections that make it so worth living.<br />Merilee Lanehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16174445990713276239noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-4166624012935489412015-06-02T09:25:50.466-04:002015-06-02T09:25:50.466-04:00SR,
As TryingHard wrote below, this is a pretty co...SR,<br />As TryingHard wrote below, this is a pretty common phase we go through. It's like once the dust has settled from the storm, we're left...flat. <br />I can't help but wonder what he's saying about your doubts. I think too often, as TH says, we project all our thoughts into their heads. And then we ask...and the truth is nothing like we imagined. It's true for the affair itself (which so so often is NOTHING like a romantic sex romp we think it is) and it's certainly true for our relationship post-infidelity.<br />Talk to him. Tell him how you're feeling. Trust that he'll be honest with you and that, even if he is missing the rush of an affair, that you can handle hearing that. My guess is that you, too, would love a certain rush in your life, you're just too clear-headed to have an affair to achieve it. Talk about how you can create that in your marriage, if that's an issue. Or talk about what you need from him as you struggle with these doubts.<br />You can look at this as a rift in your marriage...or you can use it as a way to draw yourselves closer. We often want a honeymoon with this "second marriage to our first husband". But familiarity changes things. Ask each other what you want out of life. Talk to each other. Be vulnerable with each other. Risk your hearts with each other.<br />It's terrifying. I KNOW how scary it is. But I also know that it's in those moments that my husband's and my relationship has deepened.Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-48546129248530266162015-06-01T22:11:28.376-04:002015-06-01T22:11:28.376-04:00Continued #4
So I rode it out.. Took it one day ...Continued #4 <br /><br />So I rode it out.. Took it one day at a time.. He began to show effort that I hadn't seen in years. Show up with presents...grab my hand while I'm cleaning the kitchen and would ask me to dance. I could see the guilt and remorse...But one other thing I demanded was he answer every question I had. So he did. And it stopped eating at me, but it gave me more to play out over and over in my head. I thought it was what I needed but the truth really does hurt. He has continued to try and improve our marriage and I'm trying my best to forgive... But I struggle everyday . I struggle with the visions of them together...and things that were said... And I don't know why but I feel that I need the world to somehow see for their own eyes that it's ME he loves. I guess that could be my insecurities...<br />But Instead of thinking about it all day , sometimes it's only a couple times. Small progress. I still find myself wanting to write her and say some of the things I forgot to the first time...and justify why I'm not pathetic for forgiving my lying cheating husband because marriage is sacred to me, and so is the family i want for my children...but she doesn't deserve that and I know it won't help anything. I also check her Facebook every so often (because for some unknown reason she unblocked me) I don't think that's helping me either.... but This site and all of your stories have given some relief to the ache i still feel! Thank you all for sharing! And sorry for the typos and the numerous posts but it felt good to get it out! Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-10916165574623581272015-06-01T22:06:04.238-04:002015-06-01T22:06:04.238-04:00Continued #3
He was forced to stay with his grand...Continued #3<br /><br />He was forced to stay with his grandparents in the mean time and after I had let him know exactly how I felt about everything i stopped speaking to him unless it was about the kids. I did go through every roller coaster of emotion... And had several crazy days. My friend and I figured out that the OW had blocked me from Facebook and my phone number. I had no way of contacting her and I had this desperate need to tell her how I felt, and how disgusting she was. Finally after leaving her several voicemails from another number she decided to text me. She tried to tell me that she knows I'm hurting and she's sorry for that.. And no one grows up wanting to fall in love with a married man but it just happened. I told her no one grows up dreaming about being married with a family and having a home wrecker walk into their marriage. I said everything I could think of at the time...and she told me she was under the impression H and i haven't even had sex in months. I told her as special as she thought she was that wasn't the case, even through our problems we still did occasionally. She acted as if SHE was hurt. The nerve! And I asked if she could sit there and really say she thought she loved someone after 3 months and very few interactions.. Someone who is unfaithful and would do this to his children. She said "can you? I figured if it wasn't me it'd be someone else". As if she was doing me a favor by stepping in and being my husbands mistress. I had unleashed some of my anger on her and also let her know that she is nothing I'm not, and I've already had the best that H has to offer..a house, new cars, his children, he MARRIED me, he has nothing left to give her and his family will never accept her. She at one point told me i look pathetic for calling her and for wanting H back after what he did. I told her I may look pathetic to you but you both look pathetic to the world. The conversation went on for awhile but it ended with her telling me I deserve better and she doesn't know if she wants H at all and blah blah. It didn't take but probably the next day for her to decide that she did really want to be with him. So I tried to tell myself that was all I needed and I can start to heal.. Or try to. I didn't talk to H unless I was dropping the kids off or picking them up. Thanks to stress I had lost 40 pounds and started putting my strong face on when I did see him, hiding the fact that my heart was shattered. It took 2 weeks for him to start trying to find ways to talk to me or pop over. He had been telling me "I'm so sorry I wish I could take it back" almost everyday since I found out but I kept my distance. One day he showed up and asked if we could take the kids to chuck e cheese and talk. I said no but later gave in. It was that day that he cried and said how sorry he was and how nothing was ever worth losing his family.. He would do anything.. Had already cut OW off..I could have his phone any time.. Deleted his Facebook..block her number.. Change his number.. Go to counseling. He said that he knew the problems were there and that instead of looking for love and affection elsewhere he should have put that energy and effort into us... And it made him realize that he could never love someone the way he loves me.. He could never have that connection with anyone. He had also showed me his phone .. The conversation between Him and OW of him telling her never to contact him again he was going win back his wife.. That it was a mistake and he could never love anyone the way he loved his wife and he's sorry if he ever made her believe otherwise. She was pissed to say the least.. But hasn't tried to make any contact since then. As good as it felt to win the battle over the whore, I told him I don't know if I could ever forgive him. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-31004620197864696322015-06-01T22:04:07.019-04:002015-06-01T22:04:07.019-04:00Continued #2
One day he never came home from work...Continued #2<br /><br />One day he never came home from work.. I just figured ok he finally decided to take time away... But by the next day of not hearing from him I decided to check the phone records and saw he had been talking to a number that week for a significant amount of time. (80 min or more) my best friend, who always tries to keep me sane and talks me out of craziness, did help me try to figure out this number. It ended up being linked to a girls Facebook page that H works with. I wanted to confront him face to face but my blood was boiling... I text him and told him I knew about her. All he said to me was "I'm sorry for everything, I'm less of a man now than I've ever been. I'm sorry we will talk in person". He wanted to come home the next day and even tho i wanted answers I didn't want him there. I tried to force things out of him.. He admitted they had been talking since November.. Had slept together 3 times.. And he doesn't know if he wants to be in an unhappy marriage. I was devastated. Just like most of you I felt pain deep into my soul. This girl was 23 with no kids... I just had my second baby a year ago...and I was 50 pounds heavier. As vain as that is, it just added to my pain that she was pretty. She was tan with long dark hair...she looked like me a year ago... We could be sisters...But for some reason she was now better than me... The more I pushed H to give me details, the less he wanted to give. It ate at me constantly. It was the only thing I could think about every day all day. I have a very close relationship with his parents and sister so I told them everything going on. When i wouldn't allow him at home he expected his parents to let him stay there, but after knowing what he had done they told him that if he was going to be that kind of person then they couldn't allow him to come there. I felt so much comfort knowing I had so much support from his family, but it only made him act more cold to ME. He thought his family should just accept him as a liar and a cheater who just ruined his children's lives. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-17118142230476686662015-06-01T21:59:56.461-04:002015-06-01T21:59:56.461-04:00Like so many of you, I am so thankful I just stumb...Like so many of you, I am so thankful I just stumbled upon this today. I've spent my entire day reading this blog and all of the comment from women who have felt and said exact things that I've felt. It's so comforting to know you aren't alone! My Dday was January 30th, 2015. My husband and I are both young.. 27... Married and had kids young.. Our daughter is 5, our son turned a year old in January. We've had our share of ups and downs being young parents but I've always felt that no matter what he was a good person and would always love me. It wasn't until late November I felt that had changed. I had spent the last year with a new baby, breastfeeding and focusing on being a mom, and not giving any effort to my marriage. I was co-sleeping with our son so my husband and I went a year without sleeping in the same bed. We would go weeks without kissing or hugging or even saying i love you. We were just existing together. I knew I wanted things to be different but I felt like if he cared he would try first. I see now that I can be stubborn but so is he. I knew we were having problems but in November it was like a light switch flipped and he woke up everyday hating me. No matter what I did or said he was cold. I felt deep down something could be going on but had no proof or anything other than his behavior to be suspicious about. He got a new phone that month and had the fingerprint lock to get in it... I told him that was weird and he just said he did it because it was a neat feature. It was the first time in our relationship I didn't have any access to his phone. As December and january came and went it seemed like things were getting worse.. We started saying to each other why are we still doing this if we are both unhappy? I told him go if you want to! He never would.. But still treated me so cold. (Continued..) Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-87903141479169425542015-06-01T21:46:38.211-04:002015-06-01T21:46:38.211-04:00Trying Hard, thiis excellent advice and I think yo...Trying Hard, thiis excellent advice and I think you are right on the money.Merilee Lanehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16174445990713276239noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-85854672845120495702015-06-01T19:50:17.859-04:002015-06-01T19:50:17.859-04:00SR
I know exactly what you're saying. Wouldn&#...SR<br />I know exactly what you're saying. Wouldn't it be nice if we had a brain can opener. We could just pop off the top of their heads and see what's really going on in there? What he's really thinking about. <br /><br />I think what you are doing, and I do it too, is projecting your own fantasies on to him. We interpret their affair according to our romanticized experiences. I'd be willing to bet he is exactly where he wants to be and is thanking his lucky stars you gave him another chance. Look if he realllly wanted to be with someone else and I mean really deep down wouldn't he be there? Sure they have a lot to lose and they sure didn't consider it during the affair and why? Because they truly believed they wouldn't be caught. The last thing they wanted more than the passion and sex and excitement was for us to find out. Once we did it's like the pin went in their little balloon fantasy. All the air went out with all that excitement etc. but I know exactly what you are saying. I do it too. I will tell you it can drive you mad those thoughts. You have got to figure out a way to push them out of YOUR head now. You've got to find your inner strength and truly believe it is you he wants and not her or any other her. He's a big boy. I'm sure you've shown him the door and where his suitcases are if that's what he wants. He's free to go right? So I believe if he's there it's because he WANTS to be there for whatever reason and if he's showing you by his actions and deeds that it's YOU then have a little faith and try to believe it for yourself, not him.<br />Lately I've been struggling the whole sex thing. Our sex life is pretty good and the sex part never really came into my mind. I know how to please and be pleased but lately I've been struggling with the demon insecurity sexually. I don't know why all of a sudden it has started to bother me. It's weird the thoughts that get in your head that are not rational. Sometimes I feel I am truly going mad. My heart is broken and continues to break. My son has just recently been very cruel to me. I feel as if I must be easy to be cruel to and tossed aside, including from my own son whom I believe is trapped in a miserable relationship AGAIN!!!!<br /><br />This reconciliation is no easy feat. Once you think you are crawling out from it something else rears its head and drags you back in. Most the time it's our own selves. The key is to stay strong and know your own worth and value. Don't sell yourself short. Hold tight to the idea that he is there because being with YOU is what HE wants. He almost lost his diamond when playing with glass!!TryingHardhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11598084690617343428noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-19447449711951610732015-06-01T14:40:51.412-04:002015-06-01T14:40:51.412-04:00This post really spoke to what i'm feeling rig...This post really spoke to what i'm feeling right now. I worry that I am expecting something unreasonable from my husband and our 'new' marriage. I don't know anymore what to trust with my feelings. We have been married for almost 27 years (23, when the 2 year affair started) and have been together for 32. It has been 19 months since D Day and we have had many good days, weeks, months. But I also have had many doubts creeping in. Mostly questions about if he is really happy with our marriage. Did he make the choice because he had too much to lose, or because he really wants to be with me. It isn't even about her, it is about whether he feels fulfilled with our relationship. It is hard to believe that he can be happy giving up the excitement of the affair, the passion he felt in the 'new' relationship; that he can be happy with the comfort and stability of our relationship and not feel something missing. When a person is in an affair, they feel a high, like a drug. They feel passion for that person, they are getting to know them and showering them with compliments and being showered with compliments back. How do they forget that feeling and go back to the person who has always been there for them but lacks the newness and passion? We just got back from a 2 week tropical vacation, just the two of us. We had a lovely time, we even had spontaneous sex every day. It was nice but I still had the doubts creeping in. When we were enjoying a drink at happy hour, I found myself wondering if he were here with her, what would he be like. Would he be all over her, unable to keep his hands off her. When we were silent enjoying the view, I found myself wondering what would they be talking about. He was relaxed and reserved on our vacation. I know he wanted to spend time with me and do what i wanted, but in the past he would have been more active, wanting to boogie board or ride the waves, which i usually didn't do. When i suggested the boogie boards he brought them one day but left them in the car. Maybe it was because he thought i was only suggesting it for him and he didn't think i wanted to do it. But the doubts crept in making me wonder if I was holding him back. If he felt he couldn't be himself and do what he wanted with me. I found myself thinking that if he was with her he would be out there showing off in the waves for her. Maybe taking her out there with him. I feel like I had an idea of how he would be with her and I wanted him to be like that with me; to find that passion with me. After 19 months, I would think I would be having less of these doubts, not more. I find myself doubting if he really is happy in our marriage or if he is just living a lie and telling himself he wants to stay married to me. I love him and I want our marriage to work. We have a good relationship, we care about each other, we have grown up together and would do anything for each other, but I feel for him he thinks something is missing, which is why he had the affair. Now that he's tasted that something, and not her, but the feelings from the affair, does he want more of that, does he feel what we have is boring. Maybe we know each other too well, there is no mystery. SR Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com