tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post1890407876515451458..comments2024-03-27T21:50:33.178-04:00Comments on Betrayed Wives' Club: Trusting your version of eventsEllehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comBlogger74125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-9772819427045145022017-05-16T09:56:07.516-04:002017-05-16T09:56:07.516-04:00New Mom,
Sorry with my late response. I just saw y...New Mom,<br />Sorry with my late response. I just saw your post and it describes so much of how I feel too. I also somehow wish to discover something so that I can feel confident in my abilities to see/know the truth too... but then mostly I totally don't. Shaking my belief in myself, my worth, my views on how the world works... these were the biggest blows in discovering my H's affairs. I can handle being disappointed in him much better than being unsure of myself. Over time, I have peace with some of this but it rears its head at times too. I hope the trip went well and you are back to feeling your new "normal". annnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-51949136267244144792017-05-13T00:30:41.946-04:002017-05-13T00:30:41.946-04:00Theresa, you are very right about staying busy! An...Theresa, you are very right about staying busy! And I like the idea about regular contact. Maybe I'll try that on future trips, if we get to that point. I'm sorry that you're so familiar with this particular trigger point, but I appreciate knowing that there are others who've survived these long nights. For the most part, I don't feel wise or healed enough to really give advice or input on here, but I take so much comfort from those of you who are willing to share your stories and perspectives. Many thanks. Hugs to you!New Momnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-16190135121645359312017-05-13T00:26:52.924-04:002017-05-13T00:26:52.924-04:00Thank you, Hopeful! I'm applauding your intuit...Thank you, Hopeful! I'm applauding your intuition. That must feel so wonderful... Of course not that there was contact, but that you sensed something was amiss and he told you the truth. What a wonderful building block of trust. I hope to have that some day. In the meantime, I'm cheering you on for clearing that hurdle! Thank you for the empathy. Hugs!New Momnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-5453198559813381312017-05-12T01:52:49.880-04:002017-05-12T01:52:49.880-04:00New Mom, I have been there and it is tough but als...New Mom, I have been there and it is tough but also good to have this experience. I told my husband it was all about how we handle these situations. He cannot sit locked up at home forever but if we want to have a marriage built on some level of trust we need to start somewhere. We have learned so much and we are getting somewhere and making major progress forward. <br /><br />As far as trusting your gut I totally feel that way too. It is hard when for so long I asked questions and tried to work on our marriage but was always told it was me or fed many lies. As I said we have gotten far in our recovery but how to listen to my gut has worried me. Well the other day I could tell something was wrong with my husband. I just knew it. I chalked it up to all of the new with Trump since that is upsetting to him. Well as it turns out that day he had been contacted by on of the ow via voice mail and text several times that day. So I was right it was more than watching politics. I was not thrilled about the contact but I was happy that I knew something was off and I kept asking him what was wrong. That was a small victory for noticing and I gave myself a pat on the back and reminded myself to listen and trust my gut. Thinking of you during this alone time.Hopeful 30noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-37239507146211228612017-05-11T21:41:42.473-04:002017-05-11T21:41:42.473-04:00New Mom
I know that triggering feeling when your h...New Mom<br />I know that triggering feeling when your h travels all to well! My h travels for work and in the last year of his affair he took his cow on an overnight business trip to silence her from contacting me and probably more true because he wanted the sex one more time! That's the last physical contact he had with her and 5 months later she did contact me! So now I too suffer triggers during his travels. He has been on two golf trips in this past two years but I don't trigger from those as much as for business because I really have no idea how many trips he took her on but he says just that one time and he spent the entire trip back telling her why it was over. But she didn't go away quickly or quietly! So I'm left with some huge holes in the trust department! What I do is stay busy! I also insist that I hear his voice in the morning and during the day as well as at night! This helps me stay connected to him and vice versus. This is what's working for us. Sending hugs! I know how tough this is!Theresahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11767712425596090138noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-74399381103322779852017-05-11T19:47:55.653-04:002017-05-11T19:47:55.653-04:00As always, this post is well-timed, though I'm...As always, this post is well-timed, though I'm seeing it late. My husband is on his first overnight trip since d day 20 months ago, and to a place with limited cell reception to boot. Needless to say, this is a rather triggering event for me. My husband will be with a bunch of our friends, so I feel pretty safe in the idea that nothing of the cheating variety will happen, but I'm finding myself triggered back to the days after the trips where he DID cheat. The ones where I knew something was wrong, but I was told I was crazy and insecure and that I should trust him (Ha!) I let my intuition be silenced...and now, I don't know what to trust anymore. I feel like I don't even know my own version of events well enough to see the bullshit in someone else's. It's a pretty scary realization. Of everything that's come out of this, the feeling that I can't even trust my gut anymore is one of the most damaging and hard to heal for me. If I'm honest, there's a part of me that almost hopes something happens, so I can be suspicious, and finally be right. It's not that I want my husband to cheat again as much as I just want that ability to trust my gut back and it seems impossible to do without ferreting out a new lie, since I missed so many others. It's going to be a long two nights and my goal is to try to let myself sit in silence long enough to find my truth, and then to trust that when my husband comes home, I'll be able to trust my intuition about his behavior. New Momnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-47833925553962483782017-05-11T08:11:05.356-04:002017-05-11T08:11:05.356-04:00Wow Steam, what a fantastic post, hitting to the h...Wow Steam, what a fantastic post, hitting to the heart of several important things. I was thinking of you last night while attending a beautiful children's choir my daughter was part of, 450 children with angelic voices. Some of the songs were so touching, with those lovely voices, I cried. I thought of you letting out that pain and I knew, as I cried, what sadness I have had to contain at so many disappointments and shocks over the last while, only one of which is the affair. I have become like a hedgehog or a turtle with a tough shell. I can't tell if I love my husband or not because I've made a toughened outside. Yet, my husband and I sitting in the garden yesterday, he took the day off to bring me to an appointment and the weather was so beautiful. He said how much he needed just to stop and rest. He also let out his fear, the longtime fear from the beginning of me not wanting him. The fear he says that still holds him back from really letting me know how much he cares, despite knowing it is needed and will help after all these setbacks. The thing is, the wandering spouse is responsible for his/her actions and choices but they have to heal and become whole as well as us and they can't come back alone. Both parties must walk towards each other if progress is to be made. If ws hear an authentic message of fear or loss coming from our spouses maybe we need to take a chance (be vulnerable) and let ourselves come close to them on it, so both parties can move forward more confidently.Fragments of Hopenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-6429954959585176532017-05-10T10:55:03.615-04:002017-05-10T10:55:03.615-04:00Ha! Love this. Whatever makes you giggle (assuming...Ha! Love this. Whatever makes you giggle (assuming it's not going to land you in jail), is my motto.<br />Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-87178625267897631082017-05-10T10:39:09.573-04:002017-05-10T10:39:09.573-04:00Steam, Yes, yes, to everything you wrote. The pain...Steam, Yes, yes, to everything you wrote. The pain is there and the only way to heal it is to own it. Rather than swallow us, it liberates us. Maybe not immediately. It will be hell. But eventually we emerge and we're lighter, having shed the weight of it.<br />And also yes to the need for him to do the work. I read it over and over again on this site. These guys who don't think they "need" therapy. They'll just stop the affair. It was a mistake. Jeez, let it go. I've learned my lesson. Etc. etc.<br />No. <br />Just no. <br />Doesn't work. <br />Nobody does that to another person unless a) he's a narcissistic bastard who genuinely doesn't care if you're hurt as long as it doesn't really impact his life or b) there's a ton of pain he himself is medicating with sex/cheating that he won't acknowledge or deal with. Either way, the relationship is going to suffer.<br /> As you perfectly put it, you are not doomed. But the relationship, unless he's willing to work hard to heal himself, is. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-91316470993688418242017-05-09T18:51:39.201-04:002017-05-09T18:51:39.201-04:00Steam, I too came to the same realization you did ...Steam, I too came to the same realization you did a little differently but it was pivotal for me. Exactly the same thing my husband focused on taking care of me, helping me with my pain, being whatever I needed for that first year. Once I got on strong ground I saw him open up. It was unexpected. I thought well he dealt with all of this. I mean he made these choices, he broke up with the ow and there was dday. It was a huge ah ha moment. He was so far from having dealt with it. It was almost like he saw I was doing well and he just fell apart. I would think it would be opposite but it started that he was fine when he was with me but if he is not he misses me and more than that but he is dealing with it, coming to grips with it all. He will not go to therapy with me but it is almost like he is in therapy through me based on my conversations with my therapist. Thanks for sharing and so glad for your breakthroughs. Hopeful 30noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-43724180456819415542017-05-09T18:02:42.759-04:002017-05-09T18:02:42.759-04:00Steam, you are such an inspiration. Thank you from...Steam, you are such an inspiration. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing all that you went through and how much better you feel. Wondering if I might ask my husband how he thinks I feel about him? Might be interesting. I'm having a good day after a couple of good days and the sun is out. PeaceBeach Girlnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-36049790606248155882017-05-09T08:39:22.130-04:002017-05-09T08:39:22.130-04:00Lynn Less Pain
I so understand how when you are n...Lynn Less Pain <br />I so understand how when you are not with him the anger and pain makes you want to kick him out but when he's with you, your heart melts with your feelings of love. My h has the ability to just not think about his painful choices! He's like many other h that feels so much relief from the burden that his choice to cheat caused him! I used the rubber band to keep my mind from getting too jumbled in the early months but now I'm finding that I need many things that can keep my mind occupied when those type of thoughts come back to mind. My h is under tremendous stress with work at the moment because things are uncertain in his company, so he is moody and quite much like he had been when the affair was happening but I was still unaware. It's created extra stress for me as well. I've asked him in the past that same question...how can I keep these fearful thoughts out of my mind when you continue to exhibit behavior that I associate with the time of the affair? The best answer he can give is look at how I'm doing now. So I try to look at the day to day and not too far back or forward. Not easy for someone who usually has the week planned in advance! I'm learning to live in the moment and when I'm feeling down, I try to explain what it is that's going through my mind but I'm sure he can't really understand how much his past choices have impacted my present and future! It's a daily struggle but for me, I'm giving this life my best shot and for the most part, I can see him doing the best he can now to be that better h that I was promised when I agreed to his second chance to be a good h! He's always going to be him and I will always be me and the truth is, we're still as different as night and day emotionally and for him it's those differences that makes us 'us'! One day at a time! As Elle once said, "fake it till you make it"! Take all the time you need! Hugs!Theresahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11767712425596090138noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-4873489904943279192017-05-09T06:02:08.754-04:002017-05-09T06:02:08.754-04:00part 3
Hours later in the middle of yet another s...part 3<br /><br />Hours later in the middle of yet another sleepless night for me, I told him not so gently that he could just skip it if he felt like that. Really, just fuck it, i didnt need his pity for me or whatever he had that made him feel he HAD to go because I wanted him to. If he thought what he was doing on his own was working, good for him. It wasn't working for me and I would not continue in a relationship like the one we were having<br /><br /> Early on after D-Day one, yes, i insisted he go to therapy with me. I would not have survived D-day 1 and it's crazy aftermath without it.<br /><br />,But now? --it's up to him. so just EFF the whole thing.<br /><br /><br />The next day, without much talking (there has been very little talking the last two weeks except over a major embarrassing snoop session of mine) he decided to come, and I didn't ask why.<br /><br />THAT session (only our 3rd with this new guy) lead to SUCH a breakthrough for HIM.<br /><br />Dog with a bone--dog with a bone.<br /><br />Unbelievable. <br /><br /> After his breakthrough to the fearful pain that which was that I hated him, (and I dont and never have hated him and only 9 days after d-day 2 did i act like I did) , It was rough, it was one of the toughest things I have ever seen him admit to.<br /><br />But directly after?<br /><br /> This was the best weekend we have had together in 2 years. I'm not kidding. <br /><br />And i know, just getting to the bottom of a feeling does not solve it, you still have to face it and you still have to work with it.<br /><br />and this is what i also know after 2 d-days--if he's not doing the work, we will feel that. I felt that after D-day 1 but didnt care because I wanted him to take care of ME and for a year, he really did take great care of me. <br /><br />But we will finally come to know it and admit it--he has to do things, work on himself. be uncomfortable. deal with it<br /><br />and if he's not doing it and we expect him to, will carry our resentment whether we know it or not. We will NOT let go of the anger because we might end up feeling that damn pain, and be certain that, as we're going through it, it will never end. that five minutes, felt like a year. But the 6 days that have passed since my breakthrough, i have felt the best i have in a couple of years. and I would have felt that way even without him coming a few days later. I know it. I KNOW it.<br /><br />I have gone on and on here, but I am passing this along for two reasons---I know now i was in more pain than I knew. And I know now for sure, if he does not work on himself, then I am not doomed, but this relationship is.I dont want that. I want a whole person. I am working on becoming one and the only way we will make it is if he works on his whole-ness too. <br /><br />And MBS, I'm going to listen to that podcast first thing in the morning.Steamnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-60911481656639517522017-05-09T05:59:36.231-04:002017-05-09T05:59:36.231-04:00Part 2
I think, at least i know for myself, that t...Part 2<br />I think, at least i know for myself, that the anger dissipated quickly after d-day 1. Replaced by compassion for HIS pain, right alongside of my own. Because we were working so hard together (i thought) on the relationship. My H surpassed the great friend I thought he had been before, He was there and willing to help me every single time I needed him. But what I realize in hindsight is that he was not working on himself. The more he could focus on my pain, the less he had to focus on his own. <br /><br /> IT ALL became all about me feeling better and trusting him and working on the relationship as a third entity and keeping that safe, because of course he would "never" do that to me again.<br /><br />Fast forward to D-day 2- when yes, did he EVER do that again--It's been harder, so much harder this time. I cant believe I am coming up on a year of that one. <br />It was immediately apparent that he was a sex addict. How dare he not tell me that? How dare he lie to the first therapist about that when we both asked him directly ? With the amount of acting out he did he HAD to know something was wrong with him. How could he NOT see someone about that?<br /><br /><br /> it's been harder too because we really have not been working on the relationship together he wanted to 12 step--and despite throwing himself immediately into a bunch of 12 step programs he has let most fall by the wayside. He keeps the boundary of going to meetings, , but just enough to squeak by and he's been hesitant to go to this high priced Trauma based (not co dependant based) therapist i found instead of the GREAT one we went to in 2014, and yes, she was GREAT but my H did not do the work, so guess what? Yeah, it didnt work.<br /><br />My anger has been so great it has been masking the pain I am in.. I could not get back to the pain. I found out in June 2016, and have not cried since July. Until the flood gates opened in therapy last week, while i was there without my H <br />.<br />This new therapist MAKES me (and him) do the work, right there in therapy. it's hard as hell.<br /><br />This MASSIVE breakthrough I had, I owe to this shrink because he is like a dog with a bone. He will NOT LET GO. I've never been so put on the spot again and again and again so gently until I got to the terrible pain inside of me. <br /><br />That pain was dying to get out, and it came out with ALL my fears--'what if i was married to a psychopath, what if i was being fooled again, how could anyone do anything like that to another human being and feel nothing? how? how? how?". I was WAILING.It went on for an endless 5 minutes. <br /><br /> I cannot tell you the weight lifted off of me. Even after just letting out what I did not know what was coming, I really didn’t, I just started blurting out words between sobs, I felt lighter. I went home happy. HAPPY. because damn it, that was my truth, that was my pain, that was my fear, the was my sadness. Now i could look at it, now i could see it. The jig was up, my secret was out. <br /><br />I came home and told the H that i had an incredible break though--incredible. <br /><br />He never asked what.<br /><br />My therapist texted me the next morning to tell me what great work i had done the night before. I told my H<br /><br />Again, He didn’t ask what it was.<br /><br />Well I've been passed letting his horribly pissy moods bring me down for months now so when I reminded him I had made another appointment for Saturday and he was welcome to come. I was on a therapy high--i was happy "you gotta come, you gotta--it was amazing" he said "ok" he'd go<br /><br />The next night, because we have not been talking, i reminded him of the appointment and asked if he wanted to come.<br />"no" he said, "i dont +want+ to go but i will go because that's what you want me to do". <br /><br />and there was a shit-ton of "tone" behind that comment. <br /><br />Steamnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-83288401419689594412017-05-09T05:53:54.581-04:002017-05-09T05:53:54.581-04:00This is a long one---and I think in three parts--
...This is a long one---and I think in three parts--<br /><br />Part 1<br /><br />All of us seem to have all sides covered here, and isn't it crazy Fragments of Hope, the EXTENT they can compartmentalize?<br /><br />. It's astounding. <br /><br /> I stick with the issue that if he didnt TELL me, then he knew on some level, it was a lie of omission and a big one, even though he might swear he thinks it wasn't "that big a deal". <br /><br /> It kills me what they don't think is 'that big a deal'.<br /><br />Steamnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-79791686276187243902017-05-09T02:02:25.567-04:002017-05-09T02:02:25.567-04:00Thanks Hopeful, Teresa and MBS. You all make great...Thanks Hopeful, Teresa and MBS. You all make great points. Hopeful, I like how you talked around what is a very grey area. I too need to figure out what I am comfortable with in the relationship. I was upset about the deception associated with the porn use and knowing that it's an unhealthy way of going about things. Again, the safety is taken away if I commit to a relationship where there are still things going on behind my back. Yes, and as you say, if there were no kids, you would not put up with all this, you would just walk away. But maybe on the positive side, we can learn to negotiate messy relationships instead of just shutting them down. Teresa and MBS you're right about him finding out why he needs to do this. In fairness to him he has identified that the porn is an escape, s stress release. The problem at the moment is a stalemate, we are stuck. He is overwhelmed by all the stresses that have come on us and that 'he has brought' (he admits) but I have run out of kindness and support for him because of all these bombs (the discovery of use of family money on porn in 2004, disrespect on nights out, the latest deception on the porn use, work issues.) Like us all, i have made myself vulnerable by being back in a relationship where he lied and lied a second time (D-day) and was not listened to with certain boundaries and I have come close to him and been vulnerable. But I am afraid of being a fool and that I will open myself up again and he will keep on even in minor ways being deceptive and disrespectful. Teresa he did agree with me when I said that he was asking me to sign up to a deceptive relationship. He didn't know what else he could say to make it right. We did a lot of reading on the marriage builders website and he seemed to have a good structure, an agreement that both parties always need to have a wholehearted agreement about any action, and a commitment to honesty. I could sign up to that but again, it requires that I step forward once again with courage and vulnerability. And it requires that he doesn't make a fool of me. My support and love might give him the strength not to make poor choices but that can't be a requirement, he has to not go there himself or else we're back at the affair scenario where someone choose to have an affair because they are feeling bad. The crux for me is the line where you can support as friends or as a loving couple in a relationship, what allows me to step across the line of vulnerability. Fragments of Hopenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-51179145271588062102017-05-08T23:24:13.283-04:002017-05-08T23:24:13.283-04:00MBS, thank you for sharing this. I just listened t...MBS, thank you for sharing this. I just listened to it and I think this has a lot to do with our marriage. I think what we saw our parents marriages model too. I think this all has a major influence on who we are, how we behave and what we want and think is okay. My husband is more of the fix it and move on. What is interesting when I have brought up parental, childhood or societal issues he becomes defensive. This used to be really bad. He would get really upset if I mentioned anything about his parents or upbringing. However he could call me by my mom's first name in a not nice/positive way. It was such a double standard. And when I would bring things up I tried to do it in the nicest way. Never mean or mocking. I could go on and on but I love this. I am going to seek out more. Great suggestion!Hopeful 30noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-19198919624373210862017-05-08T21:12:59.923-04:002017-05-08T21:12:59.923-04:00I have a different view. I did talk with the OW f...I have a different view. I did talk with the OW for 2 hours. Non confrontational. I have great interview skills very disarming. I wanted to know if their stories were the same or if he was still lying. I was 1.5 years out. I also felt I had the right to meet the woman who could keep my H occupied for 2 years. Then about 2.5 years out I wrote her a letter saying this is the last time will contact you but then told her she wasn't good at anything. It made me feel superior and powerful. I would not recommend this to everyone but I felt like it was something I had to do. I posted details on this encounter in the past posts. Lynn Less Pianhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07430930678475537146noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-63003733579154487012017-05-08T13:59:04.430-04:002017-05-08T13:59:04.430-04:00Fragments of hope
I'm so sorry you have once ...Fragments of hope <br />I'm so sorry you have once again felt disappointment from a spouse that just doesn't understand how his use of porn is affecting your ability to continue to heal from his past choices in dealing with the stress of every day life. I'm not sure what to suggest other than therapy but with money issues I'm sure it's not easy to find a way for therapy. How did he respond to your questions regarding you asking him about living in a deceptive marriage? He may not see himself as being deceptive if he puts that perception of himself into a box. When I learned that my h put us in one 'box' and his affair in a separate 'box' with work in a different 'box', I told him he could keep everything in his life in boxes but I don't ever want to be in a box ever again! I'm not sure how to explain it but that's when things began to change in his mind regarding our relationship and the marriage he desires for us. He continues to have work stress and the potential for a job change as the economy for engineering stalls, but he's coping in different ways, exercise and the golf we share together. I'm hoping Elle will have a better suggestion but until then just know I'm sending you a hug of support!Theresahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11767712425596090138noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-70225210554380198852017-05-08T12:51:11.054-04:002017-05-08T12:51:11.054-04:00Oh also I meant to say I think it is true it can b...Oh also I meant to say I think it is true it can be hard at times when you say I would not be friends with someone that treats me that way. It is hard though. If we did not have kids and all the history we do I would have walked away most likely. It is different though since there is a bigger impact. I do ask myself almost daily is he making it worth staying. He really has to make the effort. I can do everything right but if he is not then it is not meant to be for us. Granted I think this will take a long time to figure out.Hopeful 30noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-29327627819674022822017-05-08T12:48:46.712-04:002017-05-08T12:48:46.712-04:00Fragments of Hope, My husband did not see anything...Fragments of Hope, My husband did not see anything wrong with the porn either, secret email and fb page or the im'ing in chat rooms. He felt like those were just silly behavior and noting compared to his affairs. So the only way I knew about them was from looking through his things. To me it is crazy. To me it is all connected. I don't see one happening without the other at least for him. It is all cheating to me. I have had to lay this all out there for him. I would say the porn usage is the hardest to break down. He admits he used too often during his affair years. Another escape... But we have had major discussions about it now. How much is too much, how much is okay...He has admitted the less he uses it the better our marriage is. He sees it as nothing to do with his affairs. That I just will never agree with. I also thing even if someone can use it very rarely not even once a month that it is so easy to slip back into old habits. And even if over time it becomes more and more often that will damage the relationship. If I could go back in time my guess is my husband was using porn more often before his affairs started. I think it lowers inhibitions then when in the real world. He will not agree with that and feels he does not have an issue. On the flip side I am not in the mood to be in a relationship where he has to log it and tell me each time. I am still working through what I am okay with. I need to figure that out first before I bring it up again. I find I need to do that since he has all the answers, research...<br /><br />The other thing you touched on and I know we have talked about this before I think but when stressful times arise I think it is easy for my husband especially to slip back into old habits. This is so obvious to me. It has taken him longer to see it. I have had to say to him that it is no longer about the cheating right now at least since I know he is not doing anything but it is about the quality of marriage and relationship we have. Things that might have been okay in the past staying out late etc are not okay now. And not because I am worried about him with another woman but now it is about us. I don't want to be in that type of marriage. Have fun but there needs to be reasonable time he is home and a reasonable amount he is drinking. It has become obvious to me that my husband still has issues on some level. He has worked hard and is doing well but from an outsider I see when he does certain things how much it upsets him. This is good that he is not okay with just doing whatever but deep down that is a signal for me that there is a deeper issue still. And those stressful times bring it all back even if in a more minor way.Hopeful 30noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-7495757563752964182017-05-08T12:41:02.088-04:002017-05-08T12:41:02.088-04:00Elle,
As I have said before, trusting my truth ha...Elle, <br />As I have said before, trusting my truth has been the biggest lesson I have had. Plenty of people would throw blame and judgement my way that caused me alot of pain. I am not above looking at my own responsibility and culpability. I try to be aware of my own cognitive biases and often am devils advocate. But often my husband, my family, our therapists would say things that I knew in my heart was wrong but I didn't trust myself enough to say it or believe in my truth. Our first couple's therapist was also in that category and it was traumatizing. I still think about the psychological and emotional effect of the 5 years of having someone I wanted to trust, not "getting it" and not listening to you on top of the decade of having a partner who also failed to hear me. I finally broke free with the support of my personal therapist.<br />I have been listening to Terry Real talk about his approach to couples therapy and finally there is someone who gets it. I knew I wasn't crazy. He calls himself a feminist therapist and I am tuning in to how much of this crazy making distrust of our own voice and mind that women experience (internally and externally) is part of the misogyny of our world. Everything he says is stuff that I have felt, thought or believed was behind the problems in our relationship and my husband's acting out. I think he touches on alot of the things that women are struggling with about their partners and the culture and he is believing us. <br />Here is Terry's talk : http://www.soundstrue.com/store/weeklywisdom?page=single&category=IATE&episode=11729 <br />MBShttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10168863416317700184noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-67503746528039425072017-05-08T12:16:19.411-04:002017-05-08T12:16:19.411-04:00Hi Fragments,
I am so sorry that you still are une...Hi Fragments,<br />I am so sorry that you still are unearthing secrets and deceptions. Has your H been to a 12 step group for sex or love addiction? It seem to me that he might benefit from understanding why the porn is hard to give up and talking to other men about emotionally healthier living. I hope you both are getting support--caring for a disabled child must be so overwhelming.<br />MBShttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10168863416317700184noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-11127528930870439472017-05-08T12:04:51.220-04:002017-05-08T12:04:51.220-04:00LLP,
I feel the same way. Can't make up my ...LLP, <br /><br />I feel the same way. Can't make up my mind if I'm better with or without H. I know I am more often unhappy than happy. But I do have happy moments. And, some times H does all the right things; yet other times we are in our old routine. Now if it's not all wine & roses I wonder if I am passing up the chance to find someone else that I will be happier to be with. <br /><br />I often feel better when I am not with H, I think for me it's mostly because being around him, even in good times, I am thinking in the back of my mind about some part of his treachery. When I'm not around him I think about it less. Also, although I never thought marriage would be a fairytale (I only expected H to keep ALL of his vows) but now, after Dday, I want to be treated like a princess by H ALL the time (but I don't tell him this) and when he doesn't on his own volition I wonder if I want to stay married. <br /><br />I have a friend, her H cheated then filed for divorce years ago. She says it is good I have the choice (because my H wants to stay married and is putting the work in). But sometimes I wish he would have ripped the band aid off a decade ago and left me. Now 10 years later I have more invested, more to loose. I don't think the pro's or con's outweigh each other - so I'm undecided. <br /><br />I don't know when we'll figure it out - it sure is not black & white! But I am glad we BWC all have each other for support as we take it one day at a time. browneyedgirlnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-57582999076897361812017-05-08T11:31:36.183-04:002017-05-08T11:31:36.183-04:00Ann, Yes! They looked at us through one way glass ...Ann, Yes! They looked at us through one way glass because looking in the mirror was too painful. Our H's sound similar. My H told his COW and my MIL that I was his "roommate" and the day before he may have been writing me an email about how wonderful a wife I was or how great the sex was, etc. Now it's all coming out in therapy... that he never felt successful in life and because I was so successful it made him feel inferior. And the 'grumpiness" - OMG - what wife wants to be all lovey-dovey with an angry person?? Now, a decade later H has been diagnosed by a psychiatrist with major depressive disorder and that's how it came out: grumpy. browneyedgirlnoreply@blogger.com