tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post2122485107180137663..comments2024-03-28T19:25:37.448-04:00Comments on Betrayed Wives' Club: Your all-you-need-to-know post-infidelity guide to quashing hyper-vigilanceEllehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comBlogger54125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-25680411900318326262017-11-14T16:32:38.719-05:002017-11-14T16:32:38.719-05:00Thank you, Fragments of Hope.
I agree w/what you s...Thank you, Fragments of Hope.<br />I agree w/what you stated in 1) and 2) above. Some days I still can't believe my h was capable of so much destruction.<br />Jonoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-44949571967816261742017-11-14T12:08:32.061-05:002017-11-14T12:08:32.061-05:00Hazel, I am anxious to be at this place, it seems ...Hazel, I am anxious to be at this place, it seems so much more peaceful then we're I am now...although I don't really know you, I know the hurt, pain and anger infidelity causes so for that my heart is happy for you and one day I will be there. I Will work as hard as you did and will deserve this new happiness as you do now.<br />Xoxoxox Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-40151007389420835492017-11-14T12:05:08.373-05:002017-11-14T12:05:08.373-05:00Hugs to you Theresa. I'm not sure if you truly...Hugs to you Theresa. I'm not sure if you truly know how good your words make me feel. Thank you <br />Xoxoxox Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-7157689027782223832017-11-14T12:03:43.819-05:002017-11-14T12:03:43.819-05:00Thank you Hazel so much. Your words and advice mea...Thank you Hazel so much. Your words and advice mean's a lot to me.<br />XoxoxAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-53101768792371491762017-11-14T11:16:31.477-05:002017-11-14T11:16:31.477-05:00These are great. I think I'll copy and paste t...These are great. I think I'll copy and paste them into our coming-soon FAQ section -- "how can we calm ourselves when triggered?"Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-87401664688608284792017-11-14T07:04:25.652-05:002017-11-14T07:04:25.652-05:00I definitely italy feel on edge. Even at 13months ...I definitely italy feel on edge. Even at 13months out. Like I am preparing for the next 'attack'. But I put that down to the secretive nature of it all. Only 2 close friends know. I just have this feeling like it's not over yet. It's unresolved. I think it is because I fear a confrontation with the OW who is local and in similar circles.<br /><br />"You might have a good day and then suddenly notice on a walk that you are 15 minutes into rehearsing a rant at the OW. It’s OK. "<br /><br />This part made me feel somewhat normal (it actually made me laugh because it is SO true!!). I hate it when I catch myself doing this. I have wasted so much time and energy on these imaginary rants! It happens way more than I would like it to and it just fuels my desire to have that rant for real! I often seem to drift into this zone in the car or when falling asleep. It seems to happen unprovoked...like a daydream I am not in control of. <br /><br />I can't exercise without falling into this zone unless it's a high energy team sport. Running/walking are all especially triggering because that is where the OW and my H bonded. Weekly parkruns are excruciating for me. My brain goes nuts especially at the 3k mark.SusannahJhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05870621224671861468noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-69817549951525249042017-11-14T01:07:43.371-05:002017-11-14T01:07:43.371-05:00Yes Elle, I am happy for you to share this.
And t...Yes Elle, I am happy for you to share this.<br /><br />And trulyheartbroken,I was a mess in the early months, and that is ok. I needed to cry and I needed him to bear witness to how much it had hurt me.<br /><br />Take each minute, hour, day as it comes. Be gentle. Do things that bring you joy. Get sone fresh air (a lifesaver for me! Walking outside gave me physical and mental relief - those walls can close in fast!)<br /><br />Get counselling. It is worth every penny for a good therapist. <br /><br />And know that this is on him. No matter what state your marriage was in, an affair is never the answer. You are lovable and worthy of love and more fool him for forgetting that. <br /><br />And lastly, here, on this site you will find a wealth of info and support. Read the archives. So much wisdom on these pages xxHazelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09905065891917553236noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-41940366815779866362017-11-13T14:55:22.588-05:002017-11-13T14:55:22.588-05:00TryingHard - good to hear from you here. And you ...TryingHard - good to hear from you here. And you are spot on with what I do, too. I know we have talked about this - all this trying to catch every little thing to try to have some sort of control when there is really no control over anything outside of ourselves.<br /><br />I'm finding it hard not to just fall into the "this is good enough" and just live with it kind of feeling. Mainly because I am just so damn tired of trying to heal, of trying to get my husband to see what I'm saying or meaning or what he needs to do at work since they still have contact. I'm just tired. Even on good days I'm just tired. Maybe it's all just "good enough." Oh well.Julesnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-39214710991381119562017-11-13T14:29:00.789-05:002017-11-13T14:29:00.789-05:00My husband shows amazing signs seems as reliable a...My husband shows amazing signs seems as reliable as your husband. I hope this continues for me as it did you. I'm so happy for you and your marriage I can only hope my husband stays ( 2 months since D-DAY) as reliable as he's been. Hugs to you xoxo this is so hard!!!! Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-31423398699837078912017-11-13T13:57:08.525-05:002017-11-13T13:57:08.525-05:00Trying Hard,
I'm glad that you are practicing...Trying Hard, <br />I'm glad that you are practicing self-love and forgiveness and breathing. And I'm going to suggest something. Forgive me if I'm off-base. But I wonder if part of what's getting in the way of releasing him from "what he's capable of" (I would argue we're all capable of that) is your reluctance to let yourself off the hook. I wonder if you could extend radical compassion to yourself to just love yourself utterly and bask in your own complicated wonderfulness that you might be able to extend that compassion to him. I just wonder if you're particularly hard on yourself...Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-63858098475667998292017-11-13T13:54:40.059-05:002017-11-13T13:54:40.059-05:00Trulyheartbroken
I'm so sorry you are struggli...Trulyheartbroken<br />I'm so sorry you are struggling with this. If you read more of the blog you will see that most of us have experienced the same fears that you have when we find ourselves stuck and we see our h finally behaving the way they should. There's always a fear that he just learned to be a better deceiver. This is the hardest thing anyone of us have ever lived with. However, it does get better with time and a h that consistently proves how much he's willing to do that will help your pain. My h was so relieved that he no longer had to hide and he was looking at us moving forward a lot quicker than was possible. He has had to be extremely patient and he has had to endure a lot of ugly meltdowns but he just keeps picking me up and helping me through with his remorse and love. It's been a roller coaster ride that I hope is coming to stop but occasionally that sucker takes off at warp speed and I find myself back at the beginning. However, those triggers are becoming fewer and farther between and that alone gives my h and me the strength and courage to keep fighting through those hard times. Hugs! I know how this hurts!Theresahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11767712425596090138noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-17856250462396487782017-11-13T13:53:28.221-05:002017-11-13T13:53:28.221-05:00That's such an incredible metaphor -- labour p...That's such an incredible metaphor -- labour pains and infidelity pains. It's very much like that. Feels relentless, doesn't it? But maybe, just maybe, something is being born. And, if we work hard, that something is us. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-89874895011767397982017-11-13T13:52:05.703-05:002017-11-13T13:52:05.703-05:00Your story is my story is your story. And so many ...Your story is my story is your story. And so many others. Thanks Hazel. This was my experience almost verbatim. I'd love to re-post this as a stand-alone. Is that okay with you? I'd like everybody to read this...Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-64869089276561252032017-11-13T12:31:52.391-05:002017-11-13T12:31:52.391-05:00I needed to read this, only with months in and I&#...I needed to read this, only with months in and I'm not seeing anything past TODAY. My husband is doing great and working just as hard as I am but I have a hard time seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Please encourage me...how do I know my husband will remain as amazing in the months to follow as he is now? What can I do to keep him from making a mistake again? If I stay STUCK I will loose him as he will see no hope in us, I know I need to be positive and self conscious to keep my marriage alive. The more I continue to stay stuck I feel the worse will come. I notice when I'm confident and happy on those RARE days he's so happy and things look up but then I fall and I'm worried...how were your first few months? Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-63826645620848832242017-11-13T11:25:47.346-05:002017-11-13T11:25:47.346-05:00You are vet correct Hazel! You are vet correct Hazel! Heartfeltnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-49526088545055031692017-11-13T10:50:27.708-05:002017-11-13T10:50:27.708-05:00Thank you xoThank you xoAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-77685705205659820632017-11-13T10:48:26.898-05:002017-11-13T10:48:26.898-05:00You all make me feel so much better even though th...You all make me feel so much better even though the sadness can still haunt me... :(Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-89051019426904952472017-11-13T10:44:20.665-05:002017-11-13T10:44:20.665-05:00Thank you, such difficult days but I do have so ma...Thank you, such difficult days but I do have so many positives to hold on to and that helps. XoAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-6999117097745773042017-11-13T10:40:46.452-05:002017-11-13T10:40:46.452-05:00Thank you so much xoThank you so much xoAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-54572144779597308262017-11-13T10:18:17.746-05:002017-11-13T10:18:17.746-05:00You are all so inspiring. I'm taking one day ...You are all so inspiring. I'm taking one day at a time and allowing myself to grieve. My husband is so wonderful and patient with me. I am working hard. I will continue to read all these posts as they really really help. I do feel some hope and will strive on that feeling. One day at a time is what I'm doing. Thank you all xoxoxAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-19413513833898906102017-11-13T08:58:59.506-05:002017-11-13T08:58:59.506-05:00Bravo Hazel! I’m at 2 years and 5 months and can r...Bravo Hazel! I’m at 2 years and 5 months and can relate. Lately I have days when I don’t think about it at all. I feel like the missing pieces are slowly coming back into view and moving in the right direction. My husband has been consistently reliable since D-day and I’m beginning to trust a lot more.Beach Girlnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-21472462732373392222017-11-13T08:21:21.681-05:002017-11-13T08:21:21.681-05:00Hi Jo, Your husband thinks the affair is due to pr...Hi Jo, Your husband thinks the affair is due to problems in the marriage, there may or may not have been issues but he chose a terrible way of dealing with it. There were issues in our marriage and both of us have dealt badly with them in the past. But this white knight thing runs back past the beginning of our relationship, his ego boosting tactics the same. Things have been so much better between us but he has massive work stress so his bad habits and bad ways of dealing with things still go on. I think your intuition is right that your husband has not faced up to what was in him to do what he did. If you are like me you feel like checking because 1) you haven't really recovered from the huge shock 2) and you don't have enough to go on to trust him. Believe in what you feel and do what you need, ask for what you need and decide what you can accept and what you will walk away from. I've only been able to think this way since I did a course on anxiety and depression and began to value myself. I wish I'd seen more clearly sooner. Good luck Jo xFragments of Hopenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-27331432046787417632017-11-11T21:23:48.684-05:002017-11-11T21:23:48.684-05:00I still chant wounded ... not broken!I still chant wounded ... not broken!Woundednoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-79548290555758475602017-11-11T21:23:16.474-05:002017-11-11T21:23:16.474-05:00Bravo you summed this up amazingly. 2.5 years out...Bravo you summed this up amazingly. 2.5 years out I'm much better I still have my days but as long as my self care is front and center and my H is putting the work in then I am too. I actually have time i don't think about it or am too busy too. Still processing and work on this but a long way ice come from lying on that damn bathroom floor. This site has been a lifeline and I'm grateful for all of you. Woundednoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-69209698064919680752017-11-11T17:42:59.120-05:002017-11-11T17:42:59.120-05:00Ok here goes...
I am 2.5 years from dday 1, almos...Ok here goes...<br /><br />I am 2.5 years from dday 1, almost 2 years from the final dday. <br /><br />It does get better. I promise.<br /><br />When I first found out, and I read that it would take years to get over this, I honestly thought "screw it." I was sorely tempted to chuck my tattered marriage away but something stopped me. That something initially was my kids, because I didn't want to put them through the trauma of a complicated divorce. <br /><br />Then I started to see small changes in him. He made the effort to keep me in the loop, involved me in his work, talked about everything and anything, trusted me with his harrowing childhood stories. I slowly, slowly realised that his infidelity was his (terrible) way of escaping, of pushing boundaries, of holding on to something deep within himself that he was scared to live without, because he had never felt good enough, loved enough, safe enough to let go. He messed up and I hated him. I really hated him. I probably hated him for a year solid. He saw me become horribly thin both physically and mentally. I became a ghost person. I wasn't inhabiting my own skin. Instead my heart and mind were locked in another place, piecing together the fragments of truth and hiding from the pain. But you know what? He was there, he rode the wild donkey alongside me, he took my shit but wasn't afraid to call me out when I needed it.<br /><br />Now, after a lot of work on both our parts, things are different. I hesitate to say better, although they are a vast improvement on the months following dday. We cannot go back, no matter how much living in a bubble can seem appealling. We live in the here and now in all its dirty, messy, beautiful glory. And, shocking as it may sound, I wouldn't have it any other way.<br /><br />As a result of trauma, of having my world turned upside down, I have been forced to face myself and my own demons. I know myself and I love who I am. Sure, I wish I had behaved with a bit more dignity at time (yeah...the OW heard a few unpleasant truths from me.) <br /><br />To the newly betrayed....you really have got this. It isn't about you, but it is an opportunity to make it about you, to put yourself first and realise that you can deal with this shit and come out of it a stronger woman, deserving of love, kindness and honesty. Hazelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09905065891917553236noreply@blogger.com