tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post2227856737003132681..comments2024-03-28T19:25:37.448-04:00Comments on Betrayed Wives' Club: Beware the stories we tell ourselvesEllehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comBlogger71125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-82582161684216286912015-09-17T14:58:40.615-04:002015-09-17T14:58:40.615-04:00Anon. ... its hog wash bullshit dont buy in to any...Anon. ... its hog wash bullshit dont buy in to anything the ow says ... she wants your life im sure or wants revenge for being second fiddle. Who cares what she thinks anyways ... really .... she has no value in your lif . GHANDI said i refuse to let others walk through my mind with dirty feet. Ignore her. Elle said it best ... hurt people ... hurt people. Its alot harder to stat then leave and a marriage esp of 38 years is alot of work effort and tears. Be kind to yourself. I felt that after dday is all my life fake ... i was there wasnt i ... it wasnt honey bun. I assure you keep your memories .... to trust and love is not naive or week. Its just who we were. Just be you.Woundednoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-65880047778108356722015-09-16T18:55:09.032-04:002015-09-16T18:55:09.032-04:00The other woman calls me weak because I stay! Aft...The other woman calls me weak because I stay! After 38 years...maybe i am. She claims she is a strong woman...is cheating with a married man strong? I have never been with any other man but my husband...now I feel like st 60 my life was a joke and unrelevent. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-32497116454910571052015-08-13T09:47:09.099-04:002015-08-13T09:47:09.099-04:00I wasn't an athelete either in high school. I...I wasn't an athelete either in high school. In fact, I graduated by the skin of my teeth. <br /><br />It's funny that most of the popular people really didn't amount to much. I remember the couple most likely to marry: he got her pregnant and then dumped her. <br /><br />I did however start playing piano at the age of 15 and quickly became advanced in college. <br /><br />I still love playing. I've done al little teaching too so I know I can take care of myself financially if I need to. <br /><br />Anne from VAnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-47567203185036553912015-08-13T09:43:02.458-04:002015-08-13T09:43:02.458-04:00I did tell him this morning that even after a year...I did tell him this morning that even after a year of separation in our home, I don't really feel like he puts our marriage first. <br /><br />He hasn't been to a Celebrate Recovery meeting for four weeks. Nor has he had a book and prayed with me every night. I expect him to make the effort, not me. <br /><br />I did tell him I don't have romantic feelings for him anymore. After putting up with 12 years of Porn, there isn't much left. <br /><br />I had a good vent and I have a big cry stuck inside me that I need to get out. Crying is the hardest thing for me to do. It makes me feel weak and vulnerable and that's hard after being told to be stoic and strong all my life. <br /><br />Anne from VAnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-5435790841170692152015-08-12T19:35:27.236-04:002015-08-12T19:35:27.236-04:00I add to my list another "this is not about y...I add to my list another "this is not about you" fact. Ben Affleck whom I adore has seemilty left Jennifer Garner, a raving beauty and mother of his children, for a nanny. A nanny who seemed to have tipped off the paparazzi so they could grab photos of them together. Shameless hussy. I am disgusted with Ben. Disgusted.Steamnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-37858945870686382372015-08-07T23:14:19.758-04:002015-08-07T23:14:19.758-04:00Anne from VA,
I think a lot of us, once the lid...Anne from VA,<br />I think a lot of us, once the lid's been blown off our marriages, are able to really take a look and figure out what, besides a cheating husband, was the problem. The result can be a far stronger, healthier marriage. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-8593959521360260252015-08-07T23:12:41.452-04:002015-08-07T23:12:41.452-04:00Anonymous, I'm really glad you found us and th...Anonymous, I'm really glad you found us and that the blog has helped you realize that your response is a perfectly normal response to a crazy situation. You are so NOT alone.Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-89247740904515084092015-08-07T23:09:56.380-04:002015-08-07T23:09:56.380-04:00No worries, SS. I'll leave it and let each Clu...No worries, SS. I'll leave it and let each Club member make the choice herself whether to read it. But I appreciate your support. :)Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-76641038224668016472015-08-06T22:20:08.364-04:002015-08-06T22:20:08.364-04:00This blog has been my salvation and I believe I...This blog has been my salvation and I believe I'm finally on my way to healing. There are so many comments that I could have written myself - I've never experienced such a close connection. I thought what I was thinking, feeling and doing was crazy, obsessive and unreasonable. I now realize that this is not true and everything I've been experiencing is normal and justified. I no longer feel so completely alone. I'm 5 months out from d day. I discovered my spouse's attempt at infidelity just days before his first "meeting" (Ashley Madison experience). I considered my discovery divine intervention. And even though it never went any further, I still consider it cheating and betrayal. I believe my marriage will survive but it has been a rough road and a rollercoaster. I just wanted to say thank you to all of you who have shared your stories and your pain. None of us want to be here but here we are and I would be lost without you on this blog. I truly believe I will come out the other side a better and stronger person. I hope we all do. Bless you and stay strong.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-79609493565157136862015-08-06T13:57:59.788-04:002015-08-06T13:57:59.788-04:00SilentScream, you post was just the push I needed....SilentScream, you post was just the push I needed. I have been putting this off for a few months. I had to go to the dr today for something unrelated and I decided today was the day. I called my husband as I was feeling very low and humiliated by the prospect of having to do this after 15 years with the same person. To his credit, he offered to come to the appointment with me. The nurse practitioner handled it as delicately as you can handle the subject and they were able to test both of us. So now we just wait for results. Dandelionnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-75555559412758206012015-08-06T12:24:11.910-04:002015-08-06T12:24:11.910-04:00I'm 42 and I love being this age b/c I now don...I'm 42 and I love being this age b/c I now don't GAS what people think about me. They can take it or leave it. <br /><br />And you're right, I can remember all the negative things that were said to me. <br /><br />They said it takes 9 positive things said to us to help us forget the 1 negative thing. <br /><br />I read the books The Blessing and The Five Love Languages and they are great books for learning our to be a positive influence in the lives around us. I grew up in a very negative and critical home and I needed help on how to change that b/c I didn't want to raise my children the same way. <br /><br />I'm learning too that there are things I need to work on as well. I think now my hubby and I really tell each other how we feel whereas before his PA, we both held stuff in. I can see some of the problems before the PA that were never dealt with and one was conflict resolution. Anne from VAnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-53226039519913488932015-08-05T17:14:54.937-04:002015-08-05T17:14:54.937-04:00Hey Lili,
Stay focussed on you and your healing an...Hey Lili,<br />Stay focussed on you and your healing and let him focus on his own. In the end, you can't convince someone to be who they're not. He sounds confused. As if his behaviour is determining his character and not the other way around. We behave in ways all the time that run contrary to our values...usually because of deeply rooted beliefs about ourselves that we've tried to hide. That's why it's important to get clear on who we really are and gain insight out behaviours so that we're controlling them and not the other way around. <br />However...that's his battle. Yours is to stay clear on keeping yourself sane and healthy and positive. No matter what happens, Lili, you're going to be fine.Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-61739532611746396312015-08-05T17:06:01.620-04:002015-08-05T17:06:01.620-04:00SS,
So glad to hear. Another bullet dodged.SS,<br />So glad to hear. Another bullet dodged.Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-51229335427104976912015-08-05T17:05:36.852-04:002015-08-05T17:05:36.852-04:00Sam and Anonymous,
It's really all we're a...Sam and Anonymous,<br />It's really all we're asking for, isn't it? Acknowledgement that they grasp what they've done...and are grateful for our continued presence in spite of it. <br />Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-68835533895631647812015-08-05T17:00:01.700-04:002015-08-05T17:00:01.700-04:00And quickly as for therapy, I have gone to two ses...And quickly as for therapy, I have gone to two sessions but at $125 an hour it was too expensive. My insurance does cover therapy with a psychologist so I found one who does couples therapy and I would only have to pay 20% of the hourly fee. I also told H to really talk to someone that can listen and explain that his feelings are normal. He says he talks to his three friends that know about the affair and they offer advice (one of them recently found out his wife cheated) and he also talks to other people on a hypothetical bases but I told him he needs advice from a professional who can work with him on his feelings. Thanks for all the advice. I won't give up just yet and hope he doesn't either. Our house has also been for sale for the last 2-1/2 years and there has been the possibility of us living apart to make sure this is what we want even before I found out about the ow since things between us weren't the best. We have a visit tomorrow and it always scares me to think that these people may want to buy our house so where does that put us??? I told H today we need some plan of action in case it does happen and he agreed we should discuss. Hugs to all you lovely ladies.<br /><br />Lili xxxxAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-80519742375069177252015-08-05T16:59:47.357-04:002015-08-05T16:59:47.357-04:00Well we had a talk yesterday. I asked him if he wa...Well we had a talk yesterday. I asked him if he was pulling away because maybe he missed the ow. He said no (I found out about the affair about 7 months after he told her it could no longer go on). He said he could not handle the stress that was eating him up inside. I also asked that even though he told her it was over and if I had never found out, would it have happened again with her down the road? He said he didn't know but said that he knew what he was doing was wrong and didn't want to continue any longer (they were only friends and slept together about 6 times over 2-1/2 yrs). In a way I'm happy that I know the truth even though it burns like a bitch because its been exposed but I also know that I can't stop him from doing it again (he has said he would not do it to me ever again). He said his major concern is that I will never be able to get past the hurt he has caused me but he also said that maybe he isn't meant to be in a relationship since he's such a solitary person (we have been together for 11 years). He says that if he was capable of cheating on me what other kind of horrible things is he capable of. He's not sure he deserves me and is able to be the husband I need. Because we've had some tuff years and he questioned our relationship he's also wondering if this will work now after the volcano that has erupted but doesn't want to end things and realize he has made a horrible decision. It's really upsetting to know that in the end of this I may not have him in my life anymore. I told him yesterday that 4 months may seem like a long time but in this situation it's still very fresh and raw. In the end I told him that he has a good heart even if he thinks he doesn't and he isn't a monster for what he did as much as it sucks we are going through this. I said that i don't hate him and it feels right when we are together. I told him that all the things he's telling me are hard to hear and that I don't see him bouncing back and wanting to be with me but I did say in the end of our convo that I have hope and he said he did as well but he isn't sugar coating anything and wants me to know about everything that is going through his head so there are no ugly surprises if it doesn't work out. We both say that we don't see ourselves with anyone but each other... He said things are very foggy right now. I thought that was an excellent word and well fitting. I just hope that we can pull through. I'm going to be good to him from now on so he can see that even though he's broken my heart that I'll still be the wife that loves him to the fullest even if he may not deserve it right now. We are sleeping in separate rooms which has only been within the last month but as long as we have been together I always kiss him goodbye in the morning while he's sleeping, so today I went in the guest room and gave him his good morning kiss goodbye because I know they mean something to him. I know it has always been little things like that, that he has always taken to heart. <br />Lili<br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-13632194388432062582015-08-05T11:59:36.369-04:002015-08-05T11:59:36.369-04:00Hello all,
Yesterday evening my doctor called wit...Hello all,<br /><br />Yesterday evening my doctor called with my test results. My test results for the hepatitis are NEGATIVE !!! HIMSELF did not pass his hepatitis to me. <br /><br />Ladies,<br /><br />If you have not gotten to the doctor or to the local health clinic -- GO GET TESTED!! Ask to be tested for everything that can be transmitted sexually. I don't care if your spouse/partner told you he always wore condoms. GET TESTED !! Please ladies, please go get tested. If the doctor says, "oh, you are married you don't need any extra testing." Tell the doctor what your spouse/partner has been doing and insist on the testing. There is NO ""SAFE"" sex. There is only ""SAFER" sex. Many diseases can be passed even when a condom IS used. Syphilis for one. SilentScreamnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-37106504763952722352015-08-05T09:37:38.301-04:002015-08-05T09:37:38.301-04:00Sam,
I so agree with you. This was all so out of ...Sam,<br /><br />I so agree with you. This was all so out of character for my husband and when he makes comments or insights much like your husband did to you I feel so much better. I feel it physically and mentally. I feel like I can exhale. I totally agree with you too that I will never really understand how someone can do what they did but I do try to look at it from their perspective. There is a john Gottman book about betrayal which helped me a lot. And in that book were a lot of good pieces of information that has helped me in how to express myself and talk with my husband. I sometimes want to say things that would be so hurtful which is no good for us if I want to move forward. But I feel like we have had the best most honest discussions ever in 25 years. <br /><br />It is such a painful and challenging journey but so far it is paying off. It is still hard for me and I feel at times like I am still on the roller coaster. But each week gets easier. I think what I had to get to is realizing whatever he does is his choice but I deserve what i want in a marriage. And if he is not the right one no amount of control or wishing he does the right thing will make me happy. I feel like I would rather spend my days alone than that. Luckily he is being patient and working through this with me and our marriage has never been better.<br /><br />This weekend at a wedding everyone was saying it seemed like we were on our first date. And so many comments about how connected we seemed. It really was a great time for us both to connect. Weddings have been hard for me over the past four months. I guess I am a little nervous will this "honeymoon" phase end with our post dday marriage? Would love any insights.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-2134922990846899242015-08-05T02:14:07.077-04:002015-08-05T02:14:07.077-04:00WOW!! Thanks Elle. I had no idea about the HuffP...WOW!! Thanks Elle. I had no idea about the HuffPo "scam" for lack of a better word. I've been an advocate for women's issues since my days in nursing school. Actually even before nursing school because my dear departed Mum was a woman's issues advocate back in WW2 when she served in the Army Air Corps - I caught the 'bug' from her. If you can - delete my post. I'm not asking because you responded like this but because now that I know the 'real deal' I completely understand that A. Huffington's organization is not one I wish to promote.<br /><br />I will search online for this articles' author to see if I can get a link with the same essay. <br /><br />Thanks Elle! Please remove my post.SilentScreamnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-31362028127103358972015-08-04T19:21:31.965-04:002015-08-04T19:21:31.965-04:00I have something to share not really related to ab...I have something to share not really related to above posts but here goes.<br /><br />I was talking to my husband yesterday morning about his work. We were discussing how he doesn't necessarily conform to hospital rules or authority but he does go along with things when he thinks they are the right thing to do. He agreed but then added yes except for one thing...or 2. He wa referring to his 2 sexual affairs.<br /><br />I was so happy that he said that. Usually when we discuss him doing the right thing (I think he does the right ethical & moral thing for his patients) I'm thinking in my head but yet he cheated on me where were his morals then. He always says he knew what he was doing was wrong. But this time he vocalized what I would always be thinking.<br /><br />I thought AAAAHHHH. He REALLY GETS IT! just that one comment made me feel so good. I felt like he can see things from my perspective, he understands the paradox I've been wrestling with in my mind for 2 years.<br /><br />Even though I still don't understand how someone so moral could have done it, I felt so much relief that he was able to articulate what was in my head, & without my having to mention it sarcastically. Maybe that's what we need to heal-- some demonstration by the cheater that he/she can put himself in the shoes of the betrayed. But it goes both ways; I try to put myself in his shoes too, both to understand his motivations at the time as well as to understand what he's feeling post d day (cheaters anonymous site has been a big help with the latter).<br /><br />Just one empathetic comment goes such a long way.Samnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-47222989354691811082015-08-04T19:07:56.563-04:002015-08-04T19:07:56.563-04:00Lynn what a great post and beautiful poetic words....Lynn what a great post and beautiful poetic words.<br /><br />SamSamnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-4670806595310661202015-08-04T15:23:09.906-04:002015-08-04T15:23:09.906-04:00Alanna,
I hope you're being treated for your d...Alanna,<br />I hope you're being treated for your depression. It can make the world look so different than what it is.<br />What is it you want? If you're truly ready to move on, then divorce seems like the best choice. If, however, you're hoping to reconcile, can you be honest with him? Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-68367727220894483492015-08-04T15:20:20.568-04:002015-08-04T15:20:20.568-04:00SS,
Hope you get a clean bill of health too! Let u...SS,<br />Hope you get a clean bill of health too! Let us know.<br />Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-34456489944719999382015-08-04T15:19:18.704-04:002015-08-04T15:19:18.704-04:00So glad you found us...and so sorry for what you&#...So glad you found us...and so sorry for what you're going through. You will soldier on but that doesn't mean you can't feel angry and frustrated and hurt for the price you're paying for another's choices. Sending you strength and the hope that it turns out to be a scare and nothing more. Keep us posted.<br />Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-10709445748407700322015-08-04T15:04:24.619-04:002015-08-04T15:04:24.619-04:00Thanks SS. I'm going to say something though t...Thanks SS. I'm going to say something though that is in no way personal because I know many many people who read and share Huffington Post content. <br />I've included this link but, as a freelance journalist, I make it a point to let everyone know that HUFFINGTON POST DOES NOT PAY ITS WRITERS. They've built an empire on the backs of people who write for "exposure". They've devalued writing and driven down rates, making it incredibly difficult for writers to make a living. For all Arianna's "pro-women" talk, she's done more to hurt freelancers (of whom a great many are women trying to make a living) than just about anyone else.<br />I won't actually click on any HuffPo links because I refuse to support such exploitive practices.<br />Just so you know... You're all free, of course, to make your own choices. <br />Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.com