tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post2281703971063348351..comments2024-03-27T21:50:33.178-04:00Comments on Betrayed Wives' Club: "It's a Deal-Breaker"...and Other Things We Don't Always MeanEllehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-34621827396948505882015-04-27T13:04:46.919-04:002015-04-27T13:04:46.919-04:00Gee,
I had a similar experience. I confided in a f...Gee,<br />I had a similar experience. I confided in a friend because she had gone through it and I figured, of all my friends, she'd be the most compassionate. Instead, she responded to my decision to work it out with a "well, I certainly wouldn't..." Even though she had stayed and tried to work it out for eight months. Even though, years later, she said she regretted leaving. Sigh...Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-79038817642574027692015-04-27T12:25:11.215-04:002015-04-27T12:25:11.215-04:00No one can really know how they will react to a si...No one can really know how they will react to a situation until they've actually lived through it. I always thought that if my husband cheated on me, I would be throwing his stuff out on the lawn and keying his car and filing for divorce that day. But when it happened, it turned out to be so much different. Honestly, my very first thought was, "Can I save my marriage? Can we fix this?" I never would have imagined that would be my reaction. Neither did my husband, he thought he'd ruined everything forever, and that there was no way I'd ever give him another chance.<br /><br />I told a close friend of mine. She is supportive of my decision to try and work things out with my husband, but immediately said that if her husband did that, it would be a deal-breaker. I told her I always thought so too. But it turns out that just because someone betrays you doesn't mean you automatically stop loving them. It probably would be simpler if it worked that way, but it doesn't.<br /><br />~GeeAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-85373802312572897452014-02-12T15:52:24.308-05:002014-02-12T15:52:24.308-05:00Actually, according to everything I've read mo...Actually, according to everything I've read more & more men r now trying to reconcile post affair, although they may not admit it. But one of the main differences btwn married men & married women who have affairs is that women more likely say they do it for love; they justify it's ok because they don't love their husbands anymore. It's more likely to be an exit affair, telling them they want out of the marriage if they don't know it already. With men they are more likely to justify as they don't love the ow. They are often happily married but being opportunistic as my husband put it. <br /><br />I kept asking him why & he gave me so many answers-- he's approaching 50, balding, was depressed because he was always working, we were in a rut in our child centered marriage, I was always falling asleep & not interested in sex, I wasn't paying attention to him, I'm not ver affectionate in general, etc.<br /><br />But out of all these excuses probably the most honest answer he gave me was when he said one day that he was being opportunistic. They were friends & she flirted with him heavily even tho she was married with a child & he knew she was moving away. She kept offering him sex with no strings attached. He figured it was safe. She wouldn't want a commitment because she was married with a child ( tho as he saw later this was her exit affair). He figured I wouldn't find out because she was moving away, etc. <br /><br />And therein I think is the fundamental difference between men & women-- not so much that it's a deal breaker for men but that they are still committed to the marriage-- he said he never intended to leave me & the kids & that women have often already checked out of the marriage when they cheat.<br /><br />-samAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-79626415514861394142012-09-07T08:21:02.035-04:002012-09-07T08:21:02.035-04:00Yes, statistically that is true. Men also tend to ...Yes, statistically that is true. Men also tend to be more hurt by the sex than the emotional aspect of an affair. Men view it as an attack on their manhood – the only way to redeem themselves being to leave. Women, on the other hand, are more threatened by the emotional aspect of an affair. Generally speaking, of course.<br /><br />ElleEllehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-10100688461755485762012-09-06T21:34:59.402-04:002012-09-06T21:34:59.402-04:00That's the difference between men and women. ...That's the difference between men and women. Most MEN would count an affair as a deal breaker. Women, on the other hand, despite the betrayal, will usually try to keep the marriage together. And while there are men for whom this isn't a deal breaker (and vice versa for the women), statistically, most men will file for divorce.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-57633319029786213812012-05-12T20:27:49.071-04:002012-05-12T20:27:49.071-04:00Anonymous,
I'm glad you found this site if you...Anonymous,<br />I'm glad you found this site if you're finding it helpful be please refrain from judging others or making derogatory comments. We're all here to heal from an incredibly painful experience. What we need is compassion and support. You don't have to agree with the choices we've made and continue to make...but you do need to respect them in order to comment.<br />ElleEllehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-38336343361373468492012-05-12T03:07:00.874-04:002012-05-12T03:07:00.874-04:00Why on earth would you tell him it was ok to do wh...Why on earth would you tell him it was ok to do whatever he pleased and then get upset about it?? I'm sorry. You have not suffered like the rest of us. You gave him a mixed message. Of course he's going to fool around if you told him he could!!! Of course he was going to lie to you! What a dangerous and silly game you were playing. I"m glad you got therapy because that is really mixed up shit.<br /><br />It is NOT the same as those of us who took our vows seriously and our spouses knew we were never going to be ok with being cheated on!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-76214936881934826052011-02-08T18:40:31.463-05:002011-02-08T18:40:31.463-05:00Interesting... For me it was never a deal breaker....Interesting... For me it was never a deal breaker. In fact I told my husband that I was OK with whatever as long as he did not bring diseases into tge family and as ling as I didn't ever find out. Welllllllllllll.... I found out. And my ever so classic reaction surprised and continues to surprise me. I guess it was not ok with me after all. We are going to make it but every word in all your posts is so true... Nothing and neither one of us will be 'the same' ever again. It is all still rather fresh as my DDay officially was January 6, but really was it? I have 'known' all along if I go with my gut. So I suppose I am 6 years out already. Time to heal and move forward, build, repair, be thankful for the opportunity to do so. I have read every one of your posts and all the comments and truly this is excellent therapy, support, self realuzation and awakening. I would have never done the work had it not been for the affairs and me finding out. He would never have done the work either and we would have continued to co-exist and co-parent, but now we have a chance at so much more, richer, better.. At love again.Janicenoreply@blogger.com