tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post3334358436354373250..comments2024-03-27T21:50:33.178-04:00Comments on Betrayed Wives' Club: Crawling towards the lightEllehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comBlogger46125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-71207985994916548882017-07-28T10:44:53.337-04:002017-07-28T10:44:53.337-04:00Anonymous July 24
I'm so sorry for the pain I ...Anonymous July 24<br />I'm so sorry for the pain I know you feel! I'm not sure I know your story but you are the only one that can decide if he's the one that you can live with! Are you in therapy? It helps tremendously in the process of working through the pain. I also had those intrusive thoughts of what he did with her because she kept telling me about their 'passionate love making'. Gag! They had passionate sex with no real emotion from my h. He just has sex passionately because it's the only way he knows how! I asked him how you can make love to someone you don't love and he's the one that educated me that it's just sex and that he was capable of putting them and their dirty sex in a box and when he came 'home' to me, he was able to make love to me because he loved me and then he just tucked us into a separate box and went back to her four days a week. This was for a few months, she even lived in our house for two months and when he put her out on her own, he worked his butt off to make the house better and built me a fence for my lab and a car that she could travel in while trying desperately to end his affair and not shatter our world! Long story but it's how it happened. It's what he's done and continues to do that makes a big difference! In our case my h was remorseful embarrassed and was completely accountable for his choices. He came totally clean and has had to endure a lengthy time for me to process and move through his shitfest of a mess. That's how I was able to get through some of the worse times I've been through! His actions are still what keeps me in the present and I have to tell you it hasn't been easy and it doesn't happen fast! I bounced back and forth like a tennis ball with love him/can't stand the sight of him. I know what that feels like! I'm not sure you can help yourself entirely by yourself but knowing that you found this blog, I encourage you to keep posting on what you feel stuck on and these wonderful warriors will help guide you through to the light! Sending hugs and prayers!Theresahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11767712425596090138noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-23413243896540323082017-07-27T13:34:30.068-04:002017-07-27T13:34:30.068-04:00Emma. You will see the light. I did everything tha...Emma. You will see the light. I did everything that Elle says above and then some. Radical self care is a must and gets easier to do as time goes by, but you are so worth it. We are all here for youMichelle (Oliveme)https://www.blogger.com/profile/03900006387862463633noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-63997888133718649872017-07-27T13:30:56.990-04:002017-07-27T13:30:56.990-04:00You will so survive this. It may seem impossible a...You will so survive this. It may seem impossible at times, but you will get through this...Michelle (Oliveme)https://www.blogger.com/profile/03900006387862463633noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-75085337039093386062017-07-27T12:48:13.287-04:002017-07-27T12:48:13.287-04:00Dear anon July 24,
I'm so sorry for what you a...Dear anon July 24,<br />I'm so sorry for what you are going through. You are not alone. We have all been right where you are, having those same, seemingly never ending, painful feelings. I assure you that heaviness that's pressing does lift a little at over time. <br />I had a terrible time accepting my h and new reality. Early on I found an explanation of acceptance I thought maybe I could live with. It released me from pressure I and h was putting on me to 'get over it'. I share it in hopes it may help you. <br /><br />Acceptance doesn't mean you ever have to be OK with what happened. It doesn't mean you ever have to like what happened. It means you learn to live with what happened and eventually have more good days then bad. <br /><br />Keep reading this blog, dig around in archives. My faith and this site were my sanity!! (June 2010 'myth of a soulmate' resonates with me). <br /><br />Hold on! Brighter and lighter days ARE ahead, tho it doesn't feel like it. Start looking at what you've survived so far. You ARE stronger than you think you are.<br /><br />Love and hugs.<br />Truthnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-38871248827262411152017-07-26T14:42:05.656-04:002017-07-26T14:42:05.656-04:00Thank you all so much for the kind replies and wor...Thank you all so much for the kind replies and words of encouragement. It's been a bumpy start--my husband took his first post Dday work trip this week, which were the occasions of past indiscretions. Through that though, this string has allowed me to watch my two little ones with a newfound respect for the tenacity with which they undertake new beginnings in their young lives. I'm finding inspiration from them to continue moving forward, even as I stumble. Thanks again for the support. Big hugs to you all!New Momnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-81427819843196248382017-07-25T15:25:24.636-04:002017-07-25T15:25:24.636-04:00I needed this... Thank you.I needed this... Thank you.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02783809987887479528noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-46556552381816273062017-07-25T14:38:22.179-04:002017-07-25T14:38:22.179-04:00Thank you all for your kind replies. Beach Girl, m...Thank you all for your kind replies. Beach Girl, my story in a nut shell, 22 years married 7/22/17. Awesome relationship til 5 or so years ago when he started a new job and started drifting away. I would bring up his disconnect now and again with great resistance from him. I became depressed, didn't know that's what was happening to me at the time, started letting myself go, nothing I did was good enough, I walked on eggshells trying to keep the peace. Throw in gas lighting and I eventually forgot who I was. Noticed strange behavior with his phone starting in early 9/16. First D-Day was 11/6/16 where he said it was just sexting. He told our therapist he would end it. Second D-Day was on 12/1/16 where I found out it was with a girlfriend of mine and they did meet to have sex a couple of times. It did end that day. I forgave him the first time cause I knew it would be my salvation to do so. Even during the first days I knew I didn't want to proceed with hate in my heart. He was on the fence about our relationship until 3/24/17 but he wasn't ready to deal with the shit storm until 3 days after "fuck this shit" Tuesday, 5 weeks ago. So it's been hell warmed over. In a way, I'm glad things have gone the way they have. I'm able to be more compassionate towards him through the strength I have gained in my suffering. If it wasn't for this blog, all of you, and my best friend, I don't know how I would have grown. For the first time in years, I see the man I married. Seeing his pain, guilt, and remorse is gratifying at times, but it's an ugly truth and reminder. Our 22nd anniversary just passed and we went away for 3 days. It was nice and very emotional. More for him this time than me. He apologized over and over for "being that guy" and it was hard cause it takes me back, ya know? It takes me back to that level of hurt and disgust I felt/feel towards him. That sadness that is always in the background, but I'm a radiant badass and am so grateful to feel strong in my resolve that his actions will not define me. He sees me now, the woman he loves and claims to have loved the whole time. He sees that I am no longer afraid, and he sees that I see him. I call him out on his bullshit when needed and he knows this is it. Conflicted emotions is part of me until I trust him again. I am slowly opening up to the few local friends I have. I like my time alone cause it's safe but I like human interaction. I honor everything about myself and don't give a rats ass what anyone thinks. I like being a badass. I love me once again. I love all of you too. ♥Michelle (Oliveme)https://www.blogger.com/profile/03900006387862463633noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-77213658634343343702017-07-25T02:52:42.615-04:002017-07-25T02:52:42.615-04:00Ive been through same struggle. When i learned abo...Ive been through same struggle. When i learned about the affair my husband stopped communicating well entirely stopped the affair. But i was no longer my old self. It took me years and because i always fight back and hates my husband for it we fought a lot and rediscovered that he had yet again had affair with the same gurl not once Not twice but thrice. im still struggling the husband has changed enormously.. we will be okay and then it will hit me again and my husband finds it so difficult when i as he says "rub it in to his face" his mistakes.. I just can seem to move on.. I always go back to square one. I dont know what else to do. I have so many questions i have so many things running in my mind.. Thinking that there were things he was able to do with the other girl and he cant do it to me.. But he tells me it was never like that.. I want to move on and forget but i seem cant.. Should i let go of the relationship os that the only way for me to heal? i love my husband i dont want us to end but i always remember and its gets so hard each time and my husband feels so guilty ang pained when i always remember it all.. I really dont know how i can help myself..Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-24403463733875205842017-07-24T15:35:22.965-04:002017-07-24T15:35:22.965-04:00I know I feel that conflict still at 2 years 4 yea...I know I feel that conflict still at 2 years 4 years past dday. I do not wish for what we had before or dream of that. Of course we both wish he had not made those poor decisions. I am so happy for the changes he has made and who has become and continues to strive to be. That is all great but I still struggle even through the good. It is so hard. I think all the things you talk about and more. All I can say is that there are more good moments and days than in the beginning. I try to focus the most on what I need and want and what brings me joy. It is still not easy and I know it will take time. I wonder too if these feelings will ever stop. I do not know. Some days are still really hard. For me focusing on what I can control and the present is the best for me. <br /><br />Back when I was first reading this site there was a story about thinking ahead in your life and looking at a photo of yourself. Do you want it to be black and white, flat and just a drab photo or do you want it to be in color and full of life doing something you love. I think of this often and even though it is not easy I do remind myself daily to not let my husband or anyone else take away any more than they have from me. This is really hard still for me. But the more I focus on this the better for me and in the end I need to take care of me first. Hang in there!!Hopeful 30noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-68832473797720738052017-07-24T08:58:23.635-04:002017-07-24T08:58:23.635-04:00I agree Elle, he doesn't seem to be choosing m...I agree Elle, he doesn't seem to be choosing me at all. He believes he will continue to screw up. I am from India and it being a very conservative society I decided to give it a little longer before deciding on riding alone as that's going to a even tougher than hanging on. Sad but true. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16075506970363997923noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-47691762472620119942017-07-24T05:57:34.827-04:002017-07-24T05:57:34.827-04:00Thanks for this post. I needed it as I sit here in...Thanks for this post. I needed it as I sit here in the dark, unable to fall asleep. Its been 8 months since Dday 1 and 3.5months since DDay 2. I, secretly, struggle everyday with his betrayal even though he's changed for the better and our marriage is, finally, on a great path- better than ever, infact. I don't want to keep reminding him of my pain. I just wish he knew behind every smile and laugh is sorrow for the fact I lost the image I had of him prior to his affairs. I can never look at him the same even though he is an improved version of the man I first met, 12 yrs ago. I am thankful for who he is now, but am still in shock this happened to me and don't know when or if I will ever stop "relapsing".Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-92152245429097983922017-07-22T17:04:52.741-04:002017-07-22T17:04:52.741-04:00My reply didn't show. I just wanted to say tha...My reply didn't show. I just wanted to say thank you for your words. I already read your reply twice and will keep reading it again and again. God bless you:)Emmahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14659511349608200223noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-18254817462784137332017-07-22T05:26:14.282-04:002017-07-22T05:26:14.282-04:00Thank you so much. I will keep reading your reply....Thank you so much. I will keep reading your reply. God bless youEmmahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14659511349608200223noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-46612565491223860912017-07-21T23:35:40.274-04:002017-07-21T23:35:40.274-04:00This article made tears come to my eyes. I am a s...This article made tears come to my eyes. I am a survivor of my husbands sexual addiction. Last D day 3 years ago. First D day 40 years ago. There was no help for for the betrayed then. Thank goodness there is help now.Phadraenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-5247333029836609432017-07-21T15:37:56.727-04:002017-07-21T15:37:56.727-04:00Emma,
At Day 21, I could barely find my computer t...Emma,<br />At Day 21, I could barely find my computer through my tears, let alone type a comment into a Web site. <br />The light is pretty faint at 21 days. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Practice RADICAL self-care. Be gentle with yourself. Trust that you are strong enough to get through this. That, as long as you're treating yourself with respect and kindness, you'll be fine. <br />It hurts like hell, Emma. So let yourself feel that hurt. Don't pretend anything. But know that the day will come when you're the one further along the path, waving others along to follow you. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-61424895761502951952017-07-21T15:35:40.800-04:002017-07-21T15:35:40.800-04:00IWillSurvive,
yes, you will survive. And if you ca...IWillSurvive,<br />yes, you will survive. And if you can know that from the beginning, then you're already on your way. So glad you found us. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-67462671268624097812017-07-21T15:35:04.354-04:002017-07-21T15:35:04.354-04:00Olive Mee,
A "reborn badass". Well, that...Olive Mee,<br />A "reborn badass". Well, that is awesome. You are, indeed, a bright light that we can follow. His fuck up doesn't define you. You stand alone, in your integrity, in your honesty, in your courage. <br />I bow to your badassery, Olive Mee. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-12196076240386768772017-07-21T15:32:51.522-04:002017-07-21T15:32:51.522-04:00New Mom,
We're waving! We're waving! And p...New Mom,<br />We're waving! We're waving! And please know how much I admire your willingness to begin crawling. You'll see, as your little person grows, just how much guts it takes to master these behaviours that become so easy. Just watch a baby try and take a step. And fall. And fall again. But they always ALWAYS try again. And that's you too, New Mom. Motherhood, tight finances, and a marriage marked by infidelity is more than anyone should ever be dealing with all at once. But here you are. So brave. You already are looking the wound in the eye. You know how shattered your heart is and you know you've numbed yourself to it. That's survival. In order to show up for your baby, you've likely had to numb yourself to some extent. But that's no way to live. You want your baby to have a mom who lives her life fully, with her heart wide open. Which means crawling toward the light.<br />You can do this, New Mom. We're here to remind you when you forget. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-12331946898231277702017-07-21T15:27:42.429-04:002017-07-21T15:27:42.429-04:00BG, I get the sense that you're a glass-half-f...BG, I get the sense that you're a glass-half-full kinda person. And I wonder if, perhaps, that's gotten in the way of just full-out grieving the pain of discovering that so much of your marriage has been marked by his infidelity. That's an incredibly painful truth to absorb. And I don't think we absorb it all at once -- I think it's too much for us. And so we take it in in increments. And then, when things are mostly good, we think it's over. That we're healed. That it's behind us. Until we see some anniversary photos and -- WHAM -- our heart shatters because these people are in love and devoted and our own marriage was a joke, etc. etc.<br />So be sad. <br />But also know this. You don't have the full story of those FB friends just like many of them don't know your full story. You're seeing their highlight reel and comparing it to your own out-takes (or what you WISH you could out-take). There isn't a marriage in the world, let alone a 35-year marriage that hasn't had its share of pain. Maybe not like our pain. But maybe so. You don't know. What you're seeing in those photos are two people who fought through the pain and managed to stay together. You're not seeing the struggles themselves, but you're seeing the team that fought them. <br />That's you too, Beach Girl. You have that. Today. You have that. With a husband willing to hold you while you cry, willing to tell you how grateful he is that you've given him the chance to be with you. You are so strong and so positive and such a bright light on this site. That's what I see. And I don't need a FB photo to see it. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-50727810842291025572017-07-21T15:17:23.435-04:002017-07-21T15:17:23.435-04:00I think we have to pay attention to what people ar...I think we have to pay attention to what people are telling us. If he is telling you that you deserve better, it's likely that you do. If he's telling you that he doesn't deserve a second chance, then it's likely that he doesn't. Perhaps he's punishing himself for screwing up by not allowing himself someone awesome like you...or perhaps he's just screwed up and knows that he'll continue to screw up. <br />As painful as it is, I think you need to take him at his word and begin to move on. I suspect that waiting is only going to result in hurt down the road. If he has a sudden realization of just what he's losing and comes to you, willing to do the hard work of figuring out why he sabotaged his relationship with you, then that might be time to reconsider. Or it might not. <br />But, in the short term, as excruciating as it feels, I think you need to pick YOU because he doesn't seem able to do that. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-82429989706613300022017-07-21T14:16:01.476-04:002017-07-21T14:16:01.476-04:00This comment has been removed by the author.Emmahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14659511349608200223noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-10389179563622845532017-07-21T14:14:55.116-04:002017-07-21T14:14:55.116-04:00Thank you for this site :). I don't see any li...Thank you for this site :). I don't see any light yet :(. But will keep looking for it. I'm on day 21 since D day.Emmahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14659511349608200223noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-88612673307507016032017-07-20T18:18:26.509-04:002017-07-20T18:18:26.509-04:00New Mom, my daughter was 6 months old when my h st...New Mom, my daughter was 6 months old when my h started his emotional affair (which turned physical a few months later). I'm so sorry this happened in your life too.<br /><br />One good thing about babies and toddlers is that when you're with them, they force you to live in the present moment. On the other hand, of course, sleep deprivation and no 'me' time add to the pressure and difficulty!<br /><br />Sending you love and strength. Hope you get some special time for yourself to do the things that give you zest and delight... on a regular basis.Selkienoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-29743951681758869632017-07-20T18:12:29.978-04:002017-07-20T18:12:29.978-04:00I love this post. I can see your light.I love this post. I can see your light.Selkienoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-33044211796892890192017-07-19T20:51:03.244-04:002017-07-19T20:51:03.244-04:00The right words at the right time as usual. Thank ...The right words at the right time as usual. Thank you Elle. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com