tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post4427197683417208403..comments2024-03-28T19:25:37.448-04:00Comments on Betrayed Wives' Club: When you can't just "get over it"Ellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comBlogger204125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-17192297249836017122021-01-05T22:30:47.256-05:002021-01-05T22:30:47.256-05:00After 12 years of marriage i found out my husband ...After 12 years of marriage i found out my husband had multiple affairs throughout our marriage. Through counseling I worked on some of my own issues (childhood rape and its lasting affects) and decided to work things out with my husband. Marriage Counseling was great and we were better than ever. About four years later I found that he was texting one of the former women (had a two year affair with,) he said he missed their friendship. He claimed it was only communication, not physical. I was heartbroken. And during all this, there were a few warning flags of things that didn’t add up with other women, too. At the time I just forged ahead because in just didn’t know what else to do. (Moving forward, I decided to work on my career to not be so financially dependent on him.) It’s been four years since the discovered texts and I know I’m done. Nothing is suspicious now, but I just can’t see myself staying in this marriage forever. I feel like I’m always waiting for the next discovery. The crappy thing is that I feel guilty.<br />He’s working hard to be a better husband NOW, but it’s too late. I should have left years ago. Now I feel like I’m selfish for wanting to leave now.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-71710832736362239542020-11-13T21:50:10.483-05:002020-11-13T21:50:10.483-05:00My husband and I have been together a long time. W...My husband and I have been together a long time. We have two young children. He confessed to me he had an affair. At the time he confessed the affair had only lasted a month or two. But he kept cheating after that, he lied and I believed him over and over. After just under a year the affair finally came to an end for good, but not before the OW got pregnant on purpose to trap him. My husband broke things off, didn’t go to the birth, has never met her child(a dna test was done it is my husbands), now she’s taking him for child support. He is getting a lawyer to sign over all rights. The mistress recently got married herself. Side note: she has had multiple affairs with multiple married men over the yrs, I know this for a fact. Anyway, there are far too many details I want to share w/you guys but I’m honestly exhausted.......i simply don’t want to write a book tonight. It has been a yr and a half since my Dday. And even tonight as I write this, I gaze at my sleeping children as they are my only strength to stay in this and save my family, but their beautiful faces only help me forget the immense pain for a moment. My Husband has been commuted to fixing this, he’s truly trying, but nights like tonight when my soul is feeling the devastation all over again out of no where make me just want to be like, I tried but goodbye. No one else I’ve come across so far can relate to me....anybody out there have a spouse tht had an affair child. Affairs are devastating to us all but an affair child is a whole other level of pain tht you can’t imagine unless it’s happened to you. Please.......is there any other husband or wife out there that’s had to suffer from their spouse having an affair child? The fact my husband isn’t involved at all doesn’t help lesson the disgust or pain in my soul. I wish I had a friend.....but I don’t have anyone. Please pray for me everyone. Elle Chttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00041543499726084631noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-75644748029837910892020-11-12T16:23:05.452-05:002020-11-12T16:23:05.452-05:00Elle, thank you for your response. Yes, she is nu...Elle, thank you for your response. Yes, she is nuts, her friend tells me this fairly often. He is not in therapy, just the marriage counseling. He was talking to someone initially and he did identify why he allowed himself to cross that line. I am also in my on therapy. We have discussed boundaries in counseling and he knows what he should do but he won't do it. I am a fairly strong person and he thinks I can handle this because of that strength. To be honest, he has done very little of what I have told him I need to feel secure. He use to be a very emotional guy but that has changed in the last several years. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-4971424587496927522020-11-12T12:46:43.237-05:002020-11-12T12:46:43.237-05:00Anonymous, I'm sorry for what you're going...Anonymous, I'm sorry for what you're going through. This woman sounds pretty nuts. Seeking him out and then filing harassment charges? Huh?<br />In any case, both you and he should have absolutely no contact with her. And yes, that means avoiding her at any shows. It means walking the other way when she approaches. Spineless isn't an option for him. He's asking you to remain with him after the deepest betrayal so it's time for him to find his spine and take steps to protect you emotionally and support you while you protect yourself emotionally. Is he in any sort of therapy? If not, he should be. It's great that he "chose" you but he also needs to understand how he allowed himself to betray you, to ensure that he doesn't cross those lines again.<br />I would urge you, too, to seek therapy and learn to set clear boundaries around what is and is not okay with you. His refusal to step up with this is, clearly, not okay. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-75003551729830307902020-11-11T11:48:18.798-05:002020-11-11T11:48:18.798-05:00I found out a few months ago that my husband had b...I found out a few months ago that my husband had been cheating on me for a year and half with another woman. He knew her from his band he played in because she was friends with one of the members and his wife. He stayed with me, says he loves me, and got us into marriage counseling. The problem I am having is he never officially ended it. He unfriended her on Facebook and stopped talking to her. He still is friends on social media with her kids and is connected to her on Instagram. He has contacted her twice since I found out and she has contacted him once. The problem is she still comes to his shows and makes it a point to be "Seen" taking pictures and video of the "band". It upsets me and our oldest child (an adult) to see her there. Now she is threatening to file harassment charges against us if we go near her or speak to her. My husband knows how much this upsets us and yet he does nothing. (He is spineless). I forgave my husband but the fact he will not do the things I need him to do to make me feel better about this makes me question if he has other intentions (leaving the door open if we don't work out). He told me he loved her and had a strong connection unlike any he has had before. He did have several opportunities to leave over the time of the affair but he never did. Each time he chose me. I want to move past this but how do I when I have to continuously see her knowing she thinks it is OK since he does nothing?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-39183665818706594492020-05-15T13:34:50.310-04:002020-05-15T13:34:50.310-04:00I am trying to give this marriage a chance but am ...I am trying to give this marriage a chance but am unable to decide. I was previously married and my ex husband cheated on me too. The same thing repeated this time again. I am just so tired! I have told him to keep me informed but I cannot always be on his case, I will go mad if I keep an eye on him, also I have never been this insecure, stalker like personality and I feel I have turned into one and I hate this version of me!!! I have been seeing a therapist and she knows my history, she also told me I need to take my time and decide. If I feel I cant take it anymore. I can walk away. He does not believe in seeking therapy and I don't want to be the one telling him this, not yet.. Thank you so much for your help!!! I hope with time I can decide what is better for me.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-37420227031702348902020-05-15T13:10:04.816-04:002020-05-15T13:10:04.816-04:00Anonymous,
No-one can make that decision for you. ...Anonymous,<br />No-one can make that decision for you. And no-one should. This is your life and you get to decide. Thing is...you don't have to decide right now. You can give yourself the time to feel strong enough to leave. You can give yourself time to see if he's worthy of another chance (though he is on THIN ice). What I would do until you're sure how you want to proceed is to insist on having all access to his phone/computer/whatever. He needs to tell you where he and with whom. If he lies, you're done. <br />In the meantime, please see a therapist who can help you process this pain and learn that his cheating isn't about you at all. His cheating is about his own issues, his own brokenness. I would also insist that he seek counselling to get clear on why he's risking what matters for someone else who doesn't matter. <br />You'll see a tagline at the top of this site: My heartbreak, my rules. What this means is YOU get to decide what's right for you. Some of us stay, others leave, others separate and reconcile, others separate and realize it's over. There is no right way out of this except a path that takes you toward self-respect and honesty and integrity. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-35477560327215139182020-05-15T13:05:19.579-04:002020-05-15T13:05:19.579-04:00Of course, you feel defeated. This is utterly exha...Of course, you feel defeated. This is utterly exhausting. And you're being gaslighted. He's not telling you the truth and, on top of it, he's blaming YOU for his choices. He is not even remotely healthy enough to be in a marriage, especially one that has children in it.<br />You do not need to decide anything right now if you don't want to. Keep him at the hotel or wherever -- don't let him live with you. Stay in touch as much or as little (or not at al) as YOU want. You get to decide how this moves forward. If he is worthy of a second chance, he will show you that. By being honest, by taking full responsibility for what he did, by getting and staying clean. But I suspect he has a long road to walk before he gets to that point.<br />In the meantime, you continue to see your therapist and work through the pain of betrayal. You'll begin to see patterns where, likely, you ignored your gut instincts, gave him benefit of the doubt, etc. You'll learn to trust yourself again. And then...don't ever mistrust yourself again. You deserve love and loyalty and respect and honesty. If he can't give that to you, I hope you'll give it to yourself and move on.Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-23425296241076803932020-05-15T10:55:33.695-04:002020-05-15T10:55:33.695-04:00I am facing the exact same issue. My husband cheat...I am facing the exact same issue. My husband cheated on me the 2nd time. The first time he cheated was when we were dating and he confessed to me about cheating 1 month before we were getting married. I let it go because he had confessed and it felt genuine. 1 year into long distance marriage after I landed and a month within living together I read messages exchanged between my husband and his work colleague about sleeping together. They have been fuck buddies during our marriage and I had no clue. While I was trying to pay off his debts back in home town, he was fucking around behind my back. This time there was no confession, and it was ongoing. After I found out about the affair, I confronted him and wanted to leave him. He begged me to stay and give this relationship a last chance. Its been a month I found out about this cheating and now I feel I am broken completely. I cannot trust him again for the 3rd time. I feel bad about leaving, I do want to save my marriage, but the foundation is so weak. He cheated on me twice in our 2 year relationship. I question my standing in this relationship altogether. What should I do? Should I stay and make it work? how do i make it work? I don't want to keep watching over my back for the next stab. HelpAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-27123927769364321982020-05-04T02:27:38.112-04:002020-05-04T02:27:38.112-04:00My husband and I got engaged February 2019. We sta...My husband and I got engaged February 2019. We started trying to get pregnant and eloped in May and 3 days after I found everything. He had been on drugs since January 2019. He had been messaging DOZENS of other women through deleted texts, Facebook messenger, Snapchat...on our wedding day alone he snapped a dozen different women. He tells me it was all harmless, but I have had some of the women send me the messages and while some are just friendly, I’ve noticed that’s how it starts and once the banter goes back and forth a bit is when it would get inappropriate. He’d tell women he dreamed of sex with them, tell them they should get something snazzy from Victoria’s Secret, or talk about our lacking love life. All the while we were having sex almost every day! One night I left on an overnight cub scouts trip with my children (from a previous marriage). He remained home because he had to work. Late that night I spoke with him before going to bed at 9:30pm. He said he was also going to bed. When I got home the next day I found out he had gone out with a coworker, a FEMALE coworker. A month later he lost his job for sexually harassing women at work by getting their phone numbers off the employee roster and sexting them. He lied and gave me a different reason for his being fired...<br /><br />When I found out I immediately kicked him out. He stayed in a hotel and got clean and started to go to NA meetings and marriage counseling. But he played the victim saying he only did all of that because he didn’t feel like I really loved him. He’s completely turned it around on me to the point that the therapist basically told me that I either get over this and move on in our marriage or call it quits. She also suggested a book about borderline personality disorder and that it may be a reason I can’t get over all of this. I also know that he isn’t telling me everything, but there’s no way to prove it and he keeps getting mad when I bring up the past. It isn’t fair!!! Tomorrow is supposed to be our 1 Year Wedding Anniversary but we had a fight last week and he left on Friday to stay with his mother. I just feel so defeated. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-55575537567436695172020-04-23T11:24:34.135-04:002020-04-23T11:24:34.135-04:00Anonymous,
As betrayals go, his is one of the less...Anonymous,<br />As betrayals go, his is one of the lesser ones, I would say. BUT it is a red line that he's crossing -- flirting tends to be one of those things that, in hindsight, people who've cheated can see that they slowly gave themselves permission for things that led to worse things. So my rule is, if you wouldn't do it with your partner sitting beside and watching...you shouldn't be doing it. Whatever "it" is.<br />As for your other question, I think your reaction to your husband's mini-betrayal is telling you that there is unhealed stuff from former betrayals. And that's worth exploring so that it doesn't continue to get in the way of your relationship right now.<br />As for the drinking, I grew up with an alcoholic mom so I am really urging you to get that under control now, before it becomes a bigger problem. Motherhood is exhausting. I know it!! I have three teens right now. It was nothing like I thought it would be. My eldest was what they call "spirited" and every day felt like a failure to me. So please know that you are NOT alone in finding motherhood exhausting and draining. It sounds as though you're also missing time connected with your husband. So it's worth a conversation about how you two can find time to reconnect as partners, not just parents.<br />Anonymous, I hope you'll see if you can find a therapist who can do online sessions. I really hope you can get to the root of your fear re. betrayal and deal with it so that you can continue to have a good marriage. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-71375043629253047112020-04-23T09:32:24.493-04:002020-04-23T09:32:24.493-04:00Thank you , no I don’t have a therapist I was due ...Thank you , no I don’t have a therapist I was due to see one before we got put in lockdown I was gutted! he is aware of how much it has hurt me and knows how much of an insecure person Iv always been and has always tried to reassure me and never once made me feel crazy for feeling like I do, I have had a lot of betrayals in the past, he is supportive and knows what he did was wrong and not once tried to make me feel I’m being unreasonable over it so I can’t fault him with that, he’s the perfect husband and has stood by me thru a lot so I really want to get past this. Do you think it’s some underlying issue with me then? I wish someone would tell me it’s not that big a deal as then I might feel better haha, Iv had so many different bits of advice from friends and netmums that my heads been a mess, some say it’s totally out of order I can’t believe this leave him etc and some saying otherwise. The thought of the text is the trigger for everything and I just want it to stop and me not or at least rarely think of it anymore. I started struggling and drinking after having my daughter as as much as I love my kids I find it harder than I ever thought I would, OH had to get another job for more money he works long hours 6 days a week and his one day off is one of my days to work. Iv found that really hard aswell. Thanks for replying and me getting some professional advice for once :) Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-30384965645352689382020-04-22T15:57:30.779-04:002020-04-22T15:57:30.779-04:00Anonymous, It doesn't matter if it was a joke ...Anonymous, It doesn't matter if it was a joke or not. To you, it has clearly triggered something deep down that needs examining. If you don't have a therapist, I would urge you to get one. Given your response to this (excessive drinking, emotionally cheating with another man), there's an important message in this for you. I suspect this is unearthing some deeper trauma you've had -- a betrayal in the past, whether by a partner or a parent or a friend. In any case, I hope you won't just let this go. It's time to set clear boundaries with your partner and let him know that this feels like a violation to you. It doesn't matter whether other people think it's a big deal or not. It matters that it feels harmful or threatening to YOU.<br />And I hope you'll continue to examine why you're responding like this. As my therapist used to say to me, "if you're reaction to something feels out of proportion, it's about old stuff". That doesn't mean "old" as in "no point in worrying about it now", it means "old" as in "unhealed."Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-47413948123870899292020-04-22T14:49:03.965-04:002020-04-22T14:49:03.965-04:00- [ ] This is a bit different to some posts but it...- [ ] This is a bit different to some posts but it’s something that has broken me, 5 months ago I found a text HB sent to a co-worker, he said it was just banter and a joke from earlier that day , it was typed jokingly but also inappropriate joke or not and it’s hurt me badly, I want to get thru this and thought I would have by now but everyday I think about the text and it triggers extreme anxiety and I’m constantly sad. Since it happened Iv used alcohol as a crutch which has gotten out of control, I have been flirty in text messages with another man, not because I want to but because it hurt that much it was like an in my head revenge.My husband is a good man and great father and husband , he has done everything to try help me and was distraught he had hurt me so much but promised it wasn’t anything but can see how it would look to me.The other woman had also told me it was a joke and her partner wasn’t bothered by it. I can’t get the words from the text out of my head tho , joking or not I never expected this of him as it’s so not him. I want to get past this and be a happy family again <br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-48451456148279939442020-04-07T11:58:10.580-04:002020-04-07T11:58:10.580-04:00Unknown,
I'm so sorry for the pain you're ...Unknown,<br />I'm so sorry for the pain you're in. I, too, discovered my husband was a sex addict and I, too, felt everything you describe -- pain, disgust, deep sadness.<br />Time will help. You need time to grieve. To fully absorb this new reality, this new history. And it might turn out that you're done with the marriage. But allow yourself time to figure that out. In my case, watching my husband work so hard to become a better person helped me gain new respect for him. I came to a point where I could somewhat understand the pain he was in when he acted out. I finally got that it wasn't about me at all. He was self-medicating, just like a drug addict, an alcoholic, a gambler. <br />But for now...rest. If you don't have a therapist, I hope you'll get one. It really helps to have that objective person to guide you through.<br />And continue to post here. The women here are incredible -- wise, compassionate and they know your pain. It can be incredibly healing to have a community of women who can remind you that you are enough, you did nothing wrong and you will get through this. <br />Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-78483532796352734022020-04-05T14:59:31.979-04:002020-04-05T14:59:31.979-04:00It is heartbreaking to see how many people have be...It is heartbreaking to see how many people have been lied to and hurt. I have been with my other half for 13 years and married for for the last 2. Long story short I found out 8 months ago that he has been cheating on me for at least 5 years. Majority of the infidelities have been prostitutes but also other married women. He was also on various websites, chatting to various women ect. I found out by accidentally readibg his emails.. I was absolutely heart broken. He has been diagnosed as a sex addict. He said that he has changed and he would do anything to keep me, that it wasn't the real him, that he loved me and they were just cheap women filling a void. I believe that he loves me and he has proven that he is trying hard, going counselling, buying tracking devices so I can see where he is. Home filters for internet, he has just basic phone so not able to go online...all his doing,I never asked for any of it. And I truly believe that right now he wants to make it work and would do anything to make me stay. I cant even count how many times he has cried and begged me not to leave. But somehow I just cant let it go. We will have a few good days but then I will just go into a state of despair. I am still so angry with him, I feel like I will never let it go, such a level of deception!!! I want to forgive him, I truly loved him! But somehow I just can't. I keep on remembering all the things he has done ,all the lies, all the empty promises ( our wedding vows). I have done counselling and it did help but I just don't think I cant move on with him. I dont know what I should do,how can I make myself better, how can I move on in a positive way? I don't want to become an angry and miserable person!! Even if he never doest it again and he has truly learnt his lesson how can I go over what he has done? Am I a difficult person? He has done so much in trying to reassure me. He has never said anything bad about me, he says he was just <br />a stupid man, an idiot, that I am the best thing that ever happened to him, that I am the most beautiful and amazing woman. But still he cheated ( and he paid to do that ). And whatever he says it doesnt seem to make a difference to how broken and angry I feel. And I just want it to stop. I want to be the old happy, confident self....i want to feel love and admiration when I look at him like before, but now I just feel anger, disgust and sorrow.Thank you for your time!!!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12700565782790661674noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-43718733048229788092019-11-24T09:41:43.386-05:002019-11-24T09:41:43.386-05:00I always knew my husband was up to something but I...I always knew my husband was up to something but I no proof of this. He receives strange calls, he protects his phone jealously and would never drop it for any reason. I went online in search of ways I can remotely monitor his conversations. I tried a number of phone monitoring apps but each one of them failed to access his phone. Moreover, I could not physically access his phone which made matters worse. I had already given up and resigned to my fate when I stumbled upon this team of (hacksecrete@gmail . c o m). Call or text him on +1(617) 402-2260 They provided me with a solution that helped me monitor his chats, calls, text messages and a host of other features. What i saw confirmed my suspicions, he is seeing someone else.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17277817704026891224noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-81958347838879465352019-08-29T10:46:29.043-04:002019-08-29T10:46:29.043-04:00Oh my gosh sweetie, run, run!! You're not even...Oh my gosh sweetie, run, run!! You're not even married and he's cheating!! Of course this was years ago, would love to hear how things turned out....<br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-89246949516832873122019-03-26T12:56:09.999-04:002019-03-26T12:56:09.999-04:00I'm so sorry, Unknown. We know the pain you...I'm so sorry, Unknown. We know the pain you're in. And how lonely it feels. Yes, you will come out the other side but in the meantime, it helps to have an army of women who can support you. Please continue to post here (the most recent posts tend to get read the most and generate the most comments) and take in the wisdom of those who've moved through this. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12947780870490110663noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-88271870756385162912019-03-25T21:45:35.881-04:002019-03-25T21:45:35.881-04:00Over six weeks ago. Never thought in a million yea...Over six weeks ago. Never thought in a million years been married over 30 years found txt. Struggling these deep thoughts of what I know. He is doing great on his part O Jesus help me move forwards this is soooo hard. I know God is helping me and I will come out on the other side victorious.Cherie Carmonahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08028278689602222213noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-62464251744952477212019-02-09T20:48:04.839-05:002019-02-09T20:48:04.839-05:00I have been seeing this guy for 3 years and we tho...I have been seeing this guy for 3 years and we thought we were sly hiding other people we were seeing on side. He didnt want to commit to me bevause I had kids already. I didnt commit because I felt I new he was a player and I wasnt 100% over my ex of 12 years. August 2017 found out I was pregnant but I didnt know if was his or one other guys. He new this and decided to stay with me and kinda be a good guy. Then just few weeks ago he confessed to me after 9 months we been living with each other and building our famil he was to scared to tell me as in fear of losing me & family. He had a 1 year old son with his ex-girlfriend and found out by paternity test 5 days before our twin boys were born. Telling me 10 days also before his court hearing for child support and more mess he got into. Let me know this is why his phone was on lock and I was not able to see or know anything because I would of found out. After told me all this and his misleading of being at work but really trying to visit the kid at her house and figure out longer how to hide it from me. It has only been few weeks and I'm doing my best to support and help him through this. Putting my feelings, wants, needs and hurt aside. It has been a ruff few weeks and then he tells me one other reason he had been neglecting our intamacy and sex life besides the secret he held, also I need to fix my girl part maybe with kegels or find a way to make it more pleasurable for him. FOR HIM? 1st off I have been begging and trying to do stuff to fix our sex life and tell him what's wrong and needs fir 15 months then dont do anything g to change or fix but then say that! I just dont know how much more secret's, B.S, betray,lies I can take anymore. I feel like I dont want to be in a relationship with someone who can day they love you but think it's okay to put this kind of stuff under the rug. Act like nothing is wrong and not even care to make things better. I cant get over all this so easily & ignore another child that might be in a custody battle soon and joining "our family ". The sweet words, the I love you, cuddles, kisses and being a good dad but no intamacy or want to make me feel wanted in other ways puts me at my end. I feel selfish to tear up my family over this but I dont feel right at the end of the days and cant get over this stuff. I am at a lost. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-20969527359903140672018-11-03T18:03:21.132-04:002018-11-03T18:03:21.132-04:00Anonymous,
Why not leave now? You're not happy...Anonymous,<br />Why not leave now? You're not happy or healthy, which is reason enough to leave a toxic relationship. It's not like we have some finite amount of time post-affair during which we have to make a choice. We get to leave a bad marriage any time we want, betrayal or no.<br />Why don't you meet with a lawyer and figure out an exit plan. This is no way to live your life. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-82835246374689097562018-11-02T16:33:09.632-04:002018-11-02T16:33:09.632-04:00My husband cheated 14 years ago. I stayed, but I r...My husband cheated 14 years ago. I stayed, but I regret staying with him because I don't love him anymore. My family pressured me to stay with him and not divorce. I stayed out of duty. I have dreams where he leaves me for good and they are the happiest dreams I can imagine. I wake up elated until I realize I'm still with him. I'm still trapped. I think about the affair everyday, after all of these long years. I'm not healthy or happy. My advice is to leave if you can. That way at least you can tell yourself you didn't take crap all your life.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-69897786331494310762018-08-23T19:21:17.782-04:002018-08-23T19:21:17.782-04:00I have been married almost 10 years. I found out m...I have been married almost 10 years. I found out my husband had an affair with his sister in law by accidently finding an email 3 months after we married. He assured me it was before we married and was over. It took a very long time to get through the emotions. We lived next door to the tramp. About 6 months ago, husband & I had a fight. For some reason I knew the affair was not before we were married, and I blurted it out. He admitted it. I keep replaying all the events in my head. It's like I've gone insane and am obsessed with everything. ie We had been married a few days and had just made love in the morning. There was a knock on the door. It was her asking my husband to help her with something. He left our bed and went across the yard to hers! I know I am crazy for doing this to myself. I really had mostly forgiven him until that fight. The bandaid didn't just rip off, the wound reopened and I can't get past it because he won't discuss it. He tells me I need to leave the past in the past. wherehaveigonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11363381643211362413noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-22480496278383047262018-08-23T12:46:32.635-04:002018-08-23T12:46:32.635-04:00Kids are incredibly resilient. And by creating cle...Kids are incredibly resilient. And by creating clear boundaries around what is and is not acceptable behaviour for you (ie. what you will and won't tolerate in your life), you're giving them permission to do the same. You'll likely get pushback. You might hear "you're ruining my life", etc. But that's because you're rocking the boat. And anyone in a dysfunctional family learns to blame the boat-rocker rather than take a hard look at the dysfunction created by the addict. I used to feel really sorry for my parents. It seemed far easier to suffer myself than to watch them suffer. Which is twisted. It was their job to keep me safe, physically and emotionally.<br />Which is all a long way of saying, you will get countermoves and pushback (you can read more on this site and in my just-released book: https://www.amazon.com/Encyclopedia-Betrayed-Elle-Grant-ebook/dp/B07GGNHTB4/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1535042748&sr=8-1&keywords=Encyclopedia+for+the+Betrayed). So be ready for it. Lots of people will push you in that tender place -- the one that's full of fear and doubt and shame and "am I doing the right thing?". So brace yourself for it. Your only job is to take care of yourself and your children. Not to make everybody happy but to make the best choices you can for you and your children. NOT the popular choice. The best choice. And you can do that.<br />Please keep us posted how you're doing. You'll often get more response/readers by posting on the most recent entry. Some of these old ones don't get read much anymore.<br />But hang in there Anonymous. You're going to be just fine. But you've got some rough terrain to navigate first. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.com