tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post4523900210261482408..comments2024-03-28T19:25:37.448-04:00Comments on Betrayed Wives' Club: How Secrets Silence Us: How to Find Your Voice After BetrayalEllehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comBlogger32125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-33123569636371184162016-11-16T11:59:03.159-05:002016-11-16T11:59:03.159-05:00Although this is an old comment it's so true. ...Although this is an old comment it's so true. I've been trying to be patient this is all a huge shit storm but my stupid h has been wishy washy too. I thought I was doing well and then yesterday he basically said he loved her and was done "trying" which meant he was not going to sit around in awkward silence ignoring the elephant in the room and that she is the way forward. It's been TWO WEEKS of "trying" which to him means waiting to see if he can be "in love" with me again. Well I told him you WILL NOT talk to her and you WILL NOT live here if you plan to leave to be with her. If either of those things are going to happen, get your shit and LEAVE OUR HOUSE! I CANNOT have you here hurting me that way it is CRUEL and I do not deserve it. You can live here and go to therapy to figure out what you want with the intent to stay OR you can go live with her. Yeah. I guess therapy and a place to live that isn't her house somehow sounded better. What happened to loving her and being in love with her? If she's that great why didn't you run to her? MEN! Or at least my husband! Felt good to lay down the law. But at the same time I'm sick and infuriated that I have become his mother. He is an adult man. WTF?! Why am I having to make rules for him to follow in a relationship? Really?! When did it become necessary to police somebody who up until several weeks ago was a fully functioning adult? GRRR my life!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-79112973406051178092014-03-02T13:51:35.766-05:002014-03-02T13:51:35.766-05:00Obliterated is pretty much how we all feel, regard...Obliterated is pretty much how we all feel, regardless of whether our husbands are remorseful or not. Betrayal is a trust violation -- it goes to the very core of what we believe and where we feel safe in this world. <br />Stay strong. It sounds as if your five-year-old keeps you grounded and focussed on taking care of yourself and him. That's the most important thing right now. <br />Your husband, sadly, might learn too late what he's lost.<br /><br />ElleEllehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-41040335425701349732014-03-01T22:29:10.919-05:002014-03-01T22:29:10.919-05:00Oh I just copied that last post and Elle's res...Oh I just copied that last post and Elle's response into a note which I can re-read because my cheating jerk husband has also been unable to let go of her. He asked if we could work on this but in the 1st therapy session he needed more time to decide because he's "still getting something from that relationship." Next therapy session he said he needs his own place to live to figure things out and hasn't had time to break things off with her. <br /><br />I said why do you assume i will be around on e your head clears?<br />I told him take all the time you need. I'm walking away from this. I can't keep getting kicked in the gut every day while you decide between me and her. He stormed out of the session and I continued alone. <br />I only found out for certain 2 weeks ago after almost a year of tortured suspicion and I am out of my mind with confusion, rage, humiliation and sorrow. <br />I learned from this site that its not enough to just ask to work it out. Work must be done. Remorse must be expressed. I am trying to be strong and do what's best for me and my 5 year old son. I feel i must give up on what we once had that was good and move towards divorce, but I am obliterated. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-40292614451397701132013-12-30T13:39:15.079-05:002013-12-30T13:39:15.079-05:00Iliss,
You need to set strong boundaries around w...Iliss,<br /><br />You need to set strong boundaries around what you will and will not tolerate. For starters, you will NOT tolerate him going back on his word about seeking counselling. You will NOT tolerate him lying to you about contact. You will NOT tolerate him dictating the terms of reconciliation. From now on, YOU get to decide the terms. <br />1. Absolutely no contact.<br />2. Total honesty and transparency. Access to all devices.<br />3. A commitment by him to counselling.<br />4. Whatever else you deem necessary.<br />You need to establish consequences in the event that he violate any of these terms. Since you've initiated divorce proceedings, perhaps that's your consequence. If he violates these (and it sounds as if he will, since he has already), then you will proceed. And then -- and this is crucial -- follow through. Don't back down. Don't fall for his wishy-washy bullshit. Show him that you are not to be messed with. That even if he doesn't mean what he says, you DO. <br />You don't deserve this insanity but you're allowing it. I strongly urge you to also get counselling to figure out why you've tolerated this. It's absolutely not okay.<br />As for his OW? She's lonely? Why the hell is that your problem? Tell her to get a life and stop trying to steal yours. Better still, don't respond. Ever. Treat her like poison ivy and steer clear.<br /><br />ElleEllehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-12860862647585795082013-12-30T01:57:10.857-05:002013-12-30T01:57:10.857-05:00The OW texted me to say how lonely she was.
I ne...The OW texted me to say how lonely she was. <br /><br />I never replied to any of her messages. I suppose she was trying to get me to leave my husband so she could step in.<br /><br />sigh. My husband has been so wishy washy its horrible.<br /><br />he says the affair totally wiped out whatever feelings he had for me. Here i was having to deal with him having cheated on me.. and now to make this marriage work it seems i have to make him love me again. Its terrible. :(<br /><br />He kept promising and swearing that he had stopped all contact.. but then i would find out he hadnt. It happened countless times. He just couldnt keep to his words. <br /><br />His family knows. Mine too. And a few of my friends who have basically told me to just leave. Sigh.<br /><br />now.. after the threat of divorce.. he has said he wants to work on it.. i dont know what to expect because he isnt really doing what hes supposed to do. Whats he supposed to do anyway? To show that je really means it?<br /><br />He has lived such an individualistic and full of deceit life for the past few years that expecting him to be transparent seems like such a tall order. Its driving me crazy.<br /><br />He has now declined therapy although he said he would when he told me to retract the divorce application. He says.. it should come from his own accord.. if not it will not work.lissnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-43379359045678947582013-10-03T16:34:42.643-04:002013-10-03T16:34:42.643-04:00I think the role of those we confide in is to supp...I think the role of those we confide in is to support us in our decision. Nobody should be making our choices for us...because we're the ones who have to live with them. It can be easy to think we know what's "best" for someone, but -- unless the person is incapable of making a healthy choice, because of addiction or abuse -- we simply don't know.<br />I think you'd be wise to ask both your sister and your friends to allow you the space/time to decide what's best for you and your kids. Base this on what you want, what your husband wants, what he's willing (or not willing) to do to help rebuild your marriage. You can thank them for their support. And it's understandable that they think they're helping...but they're not. <br /><br />ElleEllehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-14833934703838063562013-10-03T15:13:07.838-04:002013-10-03T15:13:07.838-04:00I told my sisters and 2 best friends. It was a rel...I told my sisters and 2 best friends. It was a relief to talk to them, but I've two opposite reactions now. My sisters would prefer that I work it out with H for the kids' sake while my friends want me to end it and move on.<br /><br />That has added to all the confusion already in my mind. It's been 2 months from the most recent d-day and almost a year from the first one (He cheated with the same OW multiple times, going back and forth with me and her)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-23018544688993337732013-08-16T09:26:55.583-04:002013-08-16T09:26:55.583-04:00Absolutely. And that's a good point re. puttin...Absolutely. And that's a good point re. putting the burden on others. I didn't tell a close friend because she was going through her own hell and it just seemed like more than she could handle right then. It's important to choose your confidantes closely. The best are those who can share your burden without taking it -- without telling you what to do about it, but instead simple being with you in your pain. <br />It's also important to find those (in real life or online) who can validate your experience. This stuff can be crazy-making and it's crucial to have people who can say, 'yeah, been there...and here's how I survived'. <br /><br />ElleEllehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-68730210319736102672013-08-15T22:12:48.384-04:002013-08-15T22:12:48.384-04:00It's important to remember that once you revea...It's important to remember that once you reveal the secret to any one (except maybe clergy or a counselor) you no longer control where that secret goes. My sister, thinking she was helping, did tell our secret to someone else. We may be releasing our burden by sharing, but we place that burden on those in whom we confide. <br />I have felt safe in my support group, and though we are encouraged to not divulge private details, I have, and I will continue to do so whenever a) it will benefit my healing or b) benefit someone else's healing. It's definitely important to find someone to confide in. Whether it is online, through some sort of counseling, or in our most trusted confidants. How else will we find the validation necessary for our healthy progress?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-82711184057667214982013-08-09T08:37:23.201-04:002013-08-09T08:37:23.201-04:00Your therapist is there to help you get to whereve...Your therapist is there to help you get to wherever you want to go, and he/she can only truly help you if you're completely honest.<br />Why do you feel guilty? That's definitely something to explore.<br />Which brings up a sometimes unexpected gift of dealing with a spouse's infidelity -- the chance to dig deeper into our own hearts and minds and create a life of rich authenticity. Sometimes, when everything blows up, it exposes parts of ourselves and our marriages that we'd kept really well hidden. It can be really frightening to pull those parts into the light and examine them, but it's the only way to create a life that's truly ours and not simply a default existence.<br />I hope you'll open up to your therapist. If you feel that you can't, it might be time to find another therapist with whom you feel absolutely safe.<br /><br />ElleEllehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-43615184749456011222013-08-09T00:00:30.310-04:002013-08-09T00:00:30.310-04:00I started going to a therapist about 4 months afte...I started going to a therapist about 4 months after he told me. I see her every other week. Ironically I feel guilty if I say how I really feel, we usually talk about how I can help myself. This site has helped me so much. I feel like, even if I dont know them personally, there are women out there that understand exactly how I feel. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-42201713750363562772013-08-07T17:17:38.933-04:002013-08-07T17:17:38.933-04:00Bee,
I'm so sorry your husband is ill. Though...Bee,<br /><br />I'm so sorry your husband is ill. Though it pains me to admit it, sometimes I think what I've gone through has given me the gift of knowing just how precious each moment is. None of this is easy...and frankly I would have preferred to learn this lesson differently. But this is the way the universe delivered and I know that I learned some pretty powerful lessons throughout this – lessons that have made my life sweeter.<br />Please know we're rooting for both you and your husband and sending strength.<br />Thank-you for your kind words. This site wouldn't be worth a thing if it wasn't for readers who've opened themselves up to share their own experiences and offer up support to each other. We're a formidable bunch, full of compassion and wisdom.<br />Please keep us posted how you and your husband are doing.<br /><br />ElleEllehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-31699425676413171472013-08-07T15:30:46.788-04:002013-08-07T15:30:46.788-04:00Hi Elle
It's Bee, the above post was from me -...Hi Elle<br />It's Bee, the above post was from me - got upset didn't finish or sign my name! Also still not very good on the computer (or spelling) so haven't figured out how to create a name yet without physically typing Bee! <br />Anyway I've come a long way since the first time I wrote anything here, November 2012! I've come this far because at home I've got a husband who loves me and online I've got you and the rest of you ladies who understand and never judge, and only ever offer support. Thank you to each and every one of you, to you elle words could never express how grateful I am. This blog, your words, thoughts, posts, and help to each and every one of us is the reason I didn't put my head in the oven at beginning! <br />Anyway I got upset earlier because I wanted to share the following..<br />He's ill and suddenly it all seems such a waste of time - that's not exactly what I mean. I couldn't have dealt with things any differently than I did, I can't rewrite that history anymore than I can rewrite what he did. But I don't have time to waste any more being angry, sad, bitter or looking back. I want to use the time we have enjoying now, loving each other now. I just wanted to say sometimes its ok to move on and forgive and even pretend you forget because it can all be taken away from us in the blink of an eye. <br />Bee Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-71724662666751227072013-08-07T12:20:13.627-04:002013-08-07T12:20:13.627-04:00Anonymous,
I could have written your post. That&#...Anonymous,<br /><br />I could have written your post. That's exactly how I feel. It's why I created this community -- to give us a safe place to share our experience but also to have others remind us when we're going down a dangerous path (ie. blaming ourselves, obsessing about what we can't control, giving in to shame...).<br />I too had days when I wanted to curl up and die. That lasted for a couple of years, at least. Not all the time, but certainly days. But, like you, I also began to feel truly grateful for what I had. I was much better able to not sweat the small stuff. <br />None of us will ever be the same after this. We can choose to allow this to make us stronger and wiser, or we can let it make us bitter. I choose the former. Sounds like you have too.<br /><br />ElleEllehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-23140171979022131722013-08-07T12:14:18.683-04:002013-08-07T12:14:18.683-04:00I kept it secret and still keep it secret from eve...I kept it secret and still keep it secret from everyone except this community, because it's safe here. Shame, guilt and fear where the reasons to begin with - I was so ashamed that I wasn't enough, so guilty for not speaking out sooner, afraid he would choose her and leave. He stayed, we worked hard, he took and takes full responsibility for all of it (I know I took him for granted, I know I let the passion go - but now I also know that i didn't cheat- he did!)<br />Some days I just want to curl up and die still, other days I thank god for what I do have. <br />This to me is/was more painful than anything else I have ever dealt with it, including burying a parent and miscarrying a baby. I'm not who I used to be- I've changed so much I hardly recognise myself anymore - some changes for the better, some not!<br />I survived - I'm stronger, my marriage is stronger. <br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-34226416318962375362013-08-07T09:34:25.559-04:002013-08-07T09:34:25.559-04:00I've slowly opened up over the years to certai...I've slowly opened up over the years to certain friends, which helps me feel a little less like I'm locked in some parallel universe. <br />I think it's important to have at least someone who knows what you're going through, even a therapist. Do you have anyone?<br /><br />ElleEllehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-52134394210312886152013-08-07T00:47:03.910-04:002013-08-07T00:47:03.910-04:00It's been 11 months since d-day. I chose to ke...It's been 11 months since d-day. I chose to keep my husbands affair private. It is very lonely sometimes, most of the time.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-57866421451972335262013-07-31T08:09:27.958-04:002013-07-31T08:09:27.958-04:00Inflicted,
Yep!
ElleInflicted,<br /><br />Yep!<br /><br />ElleEllehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-33181058083169766672013-07-26T10:30:51.688-04:002013-07-26T10:30:51.688-04:00This is exactly the reason I believe infidelity is...This is exactly the reason I believe infidelity is worse than a cancer diagnosis. I will say this to the end of time whether or not I ever receive a cancer diagnosis in my lifetime. If I'd had gotten a cancer diagnosis, I'd have told EVERYONE AND I MEAN EVERYONE. I'd have gotten more hugs, more words of love and support, and maybe a few nice free meals or flowers thrown in. As a victim of infidelity, I got nothing because I too have so much shame, I didn't want people to know my husband cheated on me. Last year was the worst year of my life, and I'm sure my co-workers and friends knew something was not all well with me, but I chose not to tell anyone but two close friends, isolating myself. A cancer diagnosis would do the opposite for me, and I'm guessing many, many betrayed spouses would agree. It has delayed my healing in many ways I'm convinced.Inflictedhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08483828140849438984noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-43811686375465812852013-07-19T15:16:54.514-04:002013-07-19T15:16:54.514-04:00I have wanted to say to people, "I've had...I have wanted to say to people, "I've had the worst year of my life." Just because I wish the people near me understood that I've been in pain, or to help explain some lapse. But I can't because I've chosen to keep my husband's affair a secret. That isolates me sometimes, makes me feel lonely and a bit removed from people. And it means I don't get sympathy or kind words when I know that would sometimes help.<br /><br />My reasons are good and I'm very secure about my decision. We don't have children, but there are friends and family close to us who would have a terrible time reconciling what my husband did with who they believe him to be. I know, of course, because I had to struggle with that. But I know him to be a good person who screwed up badly and has deep remorse for his actions. I know this, and I don't think those close to us need to go through that whole process, too. It would be painful for them and painful for me and my husband, and for what?<br /><br />So my decision has its negative side, that's for sure. But it's like many aspects of this whole situation: You can't win either way. You just have to figure out the best way FOR YOU to get through it all. In my case, secrecy is the answer. In others' situations, it's not. Or because of how the affair was revealed, maybe it was never an option. And like Elle, I envy those of you who aren't keeping it a secret. I envy your ability to vent, to ask anyone for sympathy, and to talk over the details with friends.mountainsailinghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07045817177532673787noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-83098601529321588822013-07-12T12:44:44.019-04:002013-07-12T12:44:44.019-04:00Amy,
I too grew up with a lot of secrets, which is...Amy,<br />I too grew up with a lot of secrets, which is part of why I hate this secrecy so much. I feel like I've spent my adult life living in a such a way that I don't need to keep secrets. I hated it. I wanted to be able to be open and honest. For my kids to not have any shame attached to their families.<br />However, another thing I've learned through all this is that life isn't black or white. There's a lot of grey involved and sometimes my private life isn't anyone else's business. And sometimes people take our circumstances and use them against us. So sometimes keeping secrets isn't about shame but about self-preservation.<br />I'm glad your husband is able to support you at those times when you need it. I hated the fact that my husband, the person to whom I usually went to for support, was the person who made me need the support.<br /><br />ElleEllehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-81108566867439927772013-07-12T11:10:37.008-04:002013-07-12T11:10:37.008-04:00In my last comment, I forgot to respond to the act...In my last comment, I forgot to respond to the actual post...<br /><br />Secrets<br /><br />This stuff is lonely. I don't talk about it with anyone. A few people knew when it happened 2 years ago (because I fell apart at work really bad one day), but I don't discuss it with anyone.<br /><br />The only person I turn to for help getting through everything is my husband. And that can be tricky. A lot of times I find myself saying, "I'm not talking about this to hurt you. I'm talking to you because I don't talk to anyone else about it and you're my best friend." <br /><br />Even though it can be incredibly painful talking to him about it, we are to a point where he seems to understand somedays, sometimes, I just have to talk to him about it because otherwise it just hurts too much inside me. (And, thank goodness, those days are becoming less often.)<br /><br />Regarding telling other people, yes, there are weird times where something related to it should just come up in conversation (not like a drama, just a "this happened" part of something we're talking about...) and it makes me feel a little pressured to not say anything. However, growing up I had a lot of family stuff that was also not to be topics of conversation, so I sort of feel used to that.<br /><br />Thanks again for providing this site where it's OK to "talk" about it all : )Amy Mnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-13835195533424469012013-07-11T16:50:29.512-04:002013-07-11T16:50:29.512-04:00I totally understand the "I think I want him ...I totally understand the "I think I want him to say mean things about her, something." <br /><br />It has been about 2 years for us, and sometimes at the beginning, I really wanted to hear that, too. At the time I was going through a lot of "What's so great about her?" stuff.<br /><br />Then, for about the next year, we went through a phase where I'd actually tell my husband, "Say she's horrible," "Say you hate her", "Say you wish she was dead", "Say her first name and her last name - and then say - is a skank." And, surprisingly, he would do it. I know it was usually just to get me to stop crying, but none-the-less. <br /><br />I knew it was mean and juvenille, but it made me feel better. I always wanted to be ready incase I someday met that horrible woman, and no matter what mean thing she would say to me, I could say, "He hates you and wishes you would die. He says it all the time."<br /><br />(Now, I'm just sort of tired of thinking about her at all ...)<br /><br />My heart sincerely goes out to anyone who is going through this more than once in their life ... <br /><br />Amy Mnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-85446052779152683972013-07-11T08:43:19.547-04:002013-07-11T08:43:19.547-04:00My kids are what kept me from leaving within the f...My kids are what kept me from leaving within the first hour of finding out. So I completely understand what you're saying.<br />From what I understand, the "pilot" culture is one of infidelity. My husband is in finance (investments) and it's a very similar environment. Lots of ego, lots of opportunity, lots of alcohol after hours. But that's something that needs to be addressed so that he has a plan when opportunity arises again. Sort of an "if a happens, then I need to do b", or "if I'm feeling a, then I need to do b". Whether "b" is call home and talk to you, or pull out your photograph, or text his sons or something to remind him of the cost of cheating.<br />And yes, he needs to hear your pain. No doubt it's hurtful for him, but that's part of the cost of cheating. It's like convicted criminals having to listen to victim impact statements. It's a crucial part of the victim feeling heard. You feeling silenced simply propagates your pain, which is entirely unfair. <br />He might fear that if he "allows" this, then it'll go on for the rest of your lives. But usually the opposite happens. Once you feel safe to express yourself and trust his support when you're in pain, the more quickly you'll move past the need for it. Again, perhaps in the context of counselling you can do this.<br />Hang in there. <br /><br />ElleEllehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-13755145700287382722013-07-10T22:53:28.811-04:002013-07-10T22:53:28.811-04:00Elle thank you for your quick response. What keeps...Elle thank you for your quick response. What keeps me here again you ask is my two teenagers in the heat of high school trying so hard to succeed and stressed at that to get the grades and sat scores to get to a good college. They love family time unlike many teens. My husband is a pilot and how cliche it was with two flight attendants. He travels three to 4 days a week around the world. Claims the lonelyness was what got to him twice and some added beer. I knew both times because he doesn't handle stress well. Along with therapist we have a legal document stating what if it happens again. Basically he forfeits everything to me. I believe this to mean something. I can only hope. The problem is he hurts to speak of it and can't seem to and I need to. When he stays silent I end up getting mean and throwing it back at him because I need to be told reinforcing thoughts and words. Not just the ones I've always heard. Believe me if not for children I would have never even put in the effort the first time, not to say that I regretted it. I think I want him to say mean things about her, something. The silence makes me think that he can't say bad things because he did like her. What a position to be in. The only thing I am positive about is that trauma to my teens lives now would destroy their futures. Some things you just know as a mom. Thanks for listening. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com