tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post4792602620534582498..comments2024-03-28T19:25:37.448-04:00Comments on Betrayed Wives' Club: Do we ever heal from infidelity?Ellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comBlogger37125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-23887277814587816282017-04-03T10:42:12.432-04:002017-04-03T10:42:12.432-04:00Sorry I'm so late coming to this post. Thanks ...Sorry I'm so late coming to this post. Thanks Ann from Texas. What an amazing post for all of us. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-47308697767218414842017-04-03T10:36:12.554-04:002017-04-03T10:36:12.554-04:00GPSGirl (I think you did give yourself a name),
I&...GPSGirl (I think you did give yourself a name),<br />I'm glad you found us. That's exactly what this site is about -- a safe place to talk about what we're going through and how to navigate it. There is no "right" way to heal from betrayal. It sounds as if you checked out of the marriage emotionally a long time ago. He's kinda holding the door open for you even if he's saying he doesn't want you to leave. YOU get to decide what you do about this. Take as much time as you need to get clear on what you want. I think sometimes we think we need to immediately react. And betrayal is a shock to our system. Sometimes we need to digest it all before we make a move.<br />Good luck. Glad you're here. Sorry you had to find us.Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-41826856967419227442017-04-02T21:40:18.013-04:002017-04-02T21:40:18.013-04:00I just stumbled upon this site and thank goodness ...I just stumbled upon this site and thank goodness I did. I just found out about my husband's affair three months ago. The kicker is that the affair occurred 10 years ago for about a year or two (he can't remember). I found out cause they are still in contact every few years (text or email). They refer to me in a code name. I was sick to my stomach as you can imagine. H begged for my forgiveness. Went to counseling for a couple of months. A lot of discovery for both of us. I know I am early in the process but I don't want the rest of my journey defined by this event and the betrayal I am living with. He knows I want to end the marriage. We have been married 29 years. I don't think I ever loved him. We were more like good friends. Our children are grown. There is nothing keeping me with him. I don't know why he wants to remain married. I don't expect any answers from this group but it feels good to have a safe place to express my feelings. Thanks. PS how do I give myself a name on this site?GPSGIrlhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12438215553849611750noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-2741193120663436802017-03-18T22:47:02.325-04:002017-03-18T22:47:02.325-04:00We did very soon after D-Day. In hindsight, not s...We did very soon after D-Day. In hindsight, not such a great idea, but I was going to "get over it and through it" as soon as I could...I thought. We did it in private on our wedding anniversary. The kicker is that he didn't put much thought into it and didn't realize I wanted something in writing- still in la-la land, I guess. So I still think it was a good idea- I think it would have been better after we had worked through more things, though. <br />C.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-61755480950418971552017-03-18T17:37:53.677-04:002017-03-18T17:37:53.677-04:00I just found this blog and I think it may help me ...I just found this blog and I think it may help me begin to heal. D-day was Halloween night for me. I unfortunately confirmed my worst fears and found an explicit email from the OW to hy husband. She works for home and the affair had been going on since April. They traveled together weekly. <br />I fell apart, screamed, raged,kicked him out, called him every name in the book. We have been married 21 years and have 3 children- who all know her and all about the affair. <br />I have taken him back and have told him I'm trying to fall back in love with him. He says he is full of shame and guilt. He never saw her as anything more than a piece of___. He says she was the aggressor. She was constantly feeding his ego and he says that was what was so attractive to him. Because after 21 years of marriage I didn't -right?! <br />I think about his betrayal constantly. I know he has lied about many many details, I have caught him many times. If he can't come clean during the discovery process how will I ever trust him again?<br />I feel like I have sold a piece of my soul to remain in this marriage. He WAS the love of my life. Now I sometimes look at him and wonder who he even is? Although our kids are almost grown I love our family and the life we had together too much to just throw it away without trying to heal myself and forgive him.<br />The process is brutal on my heart and soul. The pain is unbearable at times. I never know when a trigger will pop up and it all comes flooding back over me. <br />I am comforted to have found a tribe of women who, sadly, completely empathize with where I am and what I'm going through.<br />Thank you for sharing and supporting those of us who are still newly hurt and struggling along.<br />"We are all broken, ... that's how the light gets in ." Ernest Hemingway<br />Hugs- Andrea in Texasnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-83713518783701309372017-03-16T16:03:06.222-04:002017-03-16T16:03:06.222-04:00Good point Dandelion, "And as much as this hu...Good point Dandelion, "And as much as this hurts, I wouldn't want to be in either of their shoes." My H has repeatedly said he is sorry, asked for my forgiveness, shown remorse. COW is a callous whore with no conscious. I doubt she is capable of feeling guilt. She'll learn too late on her own judgment day by someone far greater than me. <br />Browneyedgirl17noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-14964039127424654122017-03-15T10:23:58.221-04:002017-03-15T10:23:58.221-04:00God bless you, Ann, thanks for giving me hope. God bless you, Ann, thanks for giving me hope. Browneyedgirlnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-88535460304445834172017-03-14T20:08:31.007-04:002017-03-14T20:08:31.007-04:00Ann from Texas, thank you. I thought I sent a much...Ann from Texas, thank you. I thought I sent a much longer response but the "internet" must have eaten it. It's people like you who hold the torch for those of us way behind. It is 21 months today for me.Beach Girlnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-58026551859295484672017-03-13T13:58:50.680-04:002017-03-13T13:58:50.680-04:00Ann from Texas, wow, you are just amazing my frien...Ann from Texas, wow, you are just amazing my friend and I hope I end up exactly where you are. I'm pushing 21 months out now and doing pretty well but honey, you rock. Love and PeaceBeach Girlnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-8351283579465179702017-03-13T12:42:21.100-04:002017-03-13T12:42:21.100-04:00Ann from Texas, thanks. I'm going to tackle to...Ann from Texas, thanks. I'm going to tackle tomorrow with a vengeance every day now...because of your words. I'm almost 15 mos out, been married almost 38 years. I'm looking forward to more if things continue to improve between me and my h. I have noticed that I AM stronger, and I AM alive (I seriously wanted to end it all, but thank goodness I didn't - my grandbabies need me:). I'm still working on not settling. I settle too often when I shouldn't (I'm acknowledging this and working very hard on it). <br /><br />Thanks, Elle, for a forum where I can go to help me with my healing and be totally understood.<br /><br /> Feeling Lostnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-65292050837230223252017-03-13T12:04:26.228-04:002017-03-13T12:04:26.228-04:00I personally cannot imagine renewing our vows. I w...I personally cannot imagine renewing our vows. I would not wear my rings if it were not for my kids. My husband always wore his ring. The ow both knew he was married and had kids. He said he never complained to his friends or them about me once. The one ow tracked him for 3-4 years and would find out where he was and just show up. She asked him that entire time for his cell number and he did not give it to her. So I feel like all that matters are your actions and decisions. All the words are great but they mean nothing to me. We have celebrated our wedding anniversary which is not my favorite thing to do or the day we met. Mostly it irritates me. Again the kids are into all of the dates and stories. For me I am probably more of the odd one out that I find dday 1 anniversary to be something to celebrate. I do not consider my marriage over but I do feel that everything got reset that day. Without it who knows where we would be. It has been hard but I am thankful it happened. In the end I expect day to day commitment, honesty, authenticity, transparency, and affirming that all with words and actions.Hopeful 30noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-16726286690722786382017-03-13T11:54:36.163-04:002017-03-13T11:54:36.163-04:00I agree I do not think there will ever be that 100...I agree I do not think there will ever be that 100% trust blind trust actually. That is gone forever. My therapist said it is smart as long as we can move forward and it is not me holding back or holding it over his head. My therapist said that does not work long term. However my therapist said that it is okay to reevaluate how things are going and if I have a gut feeling to speak up. It is important to have that skill and use it.<br /><br />The other night my husband met friends out to watch some games. Everything was on the up and up following all of the boundaries we have agreed to. So no reason to doubt him. He came home and could not say how much he misses me, wished I had been with him all night, I am the most important thing in his life and his biggest priority... he said of course you know all of that. And I thought for a minute and told him those are all nice things to hear but I am cautious and skeptical. He lied to me, to my face for 10 years and even though things are totally different I am not now or sure if ever I can have complete trust. I said I cannot control him and I am fully aware of that now. So I cannot assume anything. He understands and does not take it in a bad way at all which is good. I am not sure what that means long term. And I cannot imagine really trusting anyone 100%. So we will see as time goes on but for now we are vigilant and talk openly together all the time.Hopeful 30noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-3565017667737417102017-03-13T00:11:16.335-04:002017-03-13T00:11:16.335-04:00Maiden,
Your last three sentences hit home with me...Maiden,<br />Your last three sentences hit home with me. On the bad days, these are the thoughts that go through my head. And if I'm being 100% honest, there have been moments when I question whether she has faced this that I feel like I should have blown her world up like she did mine. Then she would be forced to face it, forced to look her own husband in the eye and explain to him how she could have done this.<br />But on the days where I'm feeling much stronger, I know that no matter how badly I hurt, my conscience is clear. I can say that I've been faithful, I've not lied, I've not jeopardized my family, especially my children, for my own selfishness. She can't say any of those things and her failure to own up to what she's done and change her behavior means that she still lives a lie. I've also watched the pain my husband has gone through being the cause of so much damage and pain. And as much as this hurts, I wouldn't want to be in either of their shoes.<br /><br />Dandelionhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07422695784998995973noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-60099528049217252242017-03-12T15:15:12.005-04:002017-03-12T15:15:12.005-04:00Personally I wouldn't want to renew our vows i...Personally I wouldn't want to renew our vows it would be too much of a trigger. After all I didn't break mine so why would I renew? Maybe I am too jaded :)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-82653322850933450342017-03-12T11:34:33.066-04:002017-03-12T11:34:33.066-04:00Heartfelt
In our case, his ow told him if he was ...Heartfelt <br />In our case, his ow told him if he was serious about his marriage to put on his wedding ring, she would not have given him a second glance if he would have had one on. We had already bought his new ring long before she began telling us how to run our relationship. It was my h who wanted a new ring as his was too small and lived in a tray. It was my h that said he wanted to renew the vows he had broken, so sitting together we each recommitted to our vows to be honest, love, protect from further damage by reckless choices, his words for discussion before planning activities. I think it's a personal decision for each couple and others have shared in earlier blog posts.Theresahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11767712425596090138noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-86168013283659197452017-03-12T11:07:07.584-04:002017-03-12T11:07:07.584-04:00Heartfelt,
My H offered to renew shortly after m...Heartfelt, <br /><br />My H offered to renew shortly after my most recent Dday 4 mos ago. In our case we've had 3 wedding ceremonies. 1st one was just the 2 of us in a civil ceremony on an island. 2nd was when we returned home from honeymoon, reception with friends & family and said our vows with a minister. 3rd time was just before my H got baptized as an adult in the church, a few mos before our 10yr anniversary and we went on a 2nd honeymoon to the place we got married. They all felt so real & true. I meant every word. Problem is none of those stopped him from cheating, he couldn't keep a promise he made THREE times. If H asked me to marry him again I would say "no way"! For me, a 4th promise would be meaningless. But that is me and my feelings and our circumstances. <br /><br />If you and your H both want to renew your vows then you should. I've heard of others doing this after an A and it can be beautiful, especially if the CS is the one planning it. Browneyedgirlnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-69602803108966566912017-03-12T01:18:31.913-05:002017-03-12T01:18:31.913-05:00Brown eyed girl....I feel you. The anguish is so D...Brown eyed girl....I feel you. The anguish is so Damm big. I don't know what to do with it. I just want a moment of peace....just one. <br /><br />I never knew I could be this broken. Healing isn't a destination it's a process. But some days it's like f this.....why do I have to live this reality every day, whether we make it or not. I wish she had to face this same demon. Because she helped make it. She should have to fight it too. <br />Maiden of the shieldnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-79354114977965227622017-03-11T22:19:56.317-05:002017-03-11T22:19:56.317-05:00I have to say healing is possible because I'm ...I have to say healing is possible because I'm proof of it. Tomorrow is year 4 since d-day. Tomorrow is year 4 since I lost all<br />I had worked for. Tomorrow is all I can say now tomorrow is also another beginning. Tomorrow is one more day I'm still "alive." Tomorrow is one more day it didn't kill me.<br />Tomorrow is one more day to prove I've survived....... You see now I look forward to the "date" because it's proof I've survived the worst injustice anyone has ever done to me. I survived as my little girl would say like a "boss." So bring on tomorrow and every day after. I'm so blessed to have found all of. I'm<br />So blessed to have met "Elle." I say this because now I sleep through the night again.... Like a baby..... It took over three years to get to this point but I did. I won't lie and say that sometimes my heart hurts or my fingertips even feel pain or that I don't sometimes have a bad dream but you see that God didn't make us to be aftaid he made us to overcome. So I'll say it again bring on tomorrow and I'm gonna punch tomorrow in the face straight on and celebrate the fact that I'm still alive. His actions didn't kill me..... It taught me to stick up for myself and never ever accept mediocre!!!!!! So he actually came home the other day and said he just couldn't get over what he has done.... That I did something, Godonlh knows what, and he was reminded how horrible he felt when I found out. So I told him he needed to learn to deal because I have. Then I said if you feel that my existence makes you feel bad that's not healthy for you.... So maybe you should look inside yourself and figure out what you want because I'm nobody's footstool..... Me I said this.... So proud of me ;) All I know is that we were put through literal hell by the bad choices our husbands made.... And that even through this we have survived.... So live every at like you are blessed. Even if your hair isn't washed because the kids need work and you haven't slept in days due to pain in your heart. Know You are loved and cared about. Stay strong you are not alone and in year 4 I want to hear how you are doing too ;) love your girls - Ann from TexasAnn from Texasnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-84312954734542795022017-03-11T11:27:41.876-05:002017-03-11T11:27:41.876-05:00I can't live with the pain of knowing who H ch...I can't live with the pain of knowing who H cheated with, that they did it when I was 8 mos pregnant with our 2nd child, that they panned it a week in advance and had to drive 2.5 hours and remove our daughters car seat from the backseat to have sex with COW, that they went on communicating through email intermittently for 4 years, that H invited COW to do it in our car again 4 yrs later, just weeks after we went out to a family dinner and unknowing BW, I paid for COW's meal (b/c she was poor) and afterwards she cruelly sat on my lap and flirted with my husband (I thought it was so odd but who would ever suspect) and luckily failed (ED). That when I found out a decade later (4 mos ago) and was in excruciating pain not only that H cheated on me, but further that COW was married to his cousin. H's first words were "they should have never been married" that he thought he loved her that he thought they had a future together and invited her to get an apartment and move in with him (they didn't), that he only stayed with me for the kids, that he "hated me for a whole decade" and was "one foot out the door", that he was justified because he thought I didn't love me, he accused me of "having an affair with my career". All the while I was doing my best to love a man with addiction and anger, I was making our house a home, I was kind & generous to his family, I was supporting him financially. <br /><br />COW is a total looser, had another A, married to a divorced man who also cheated on his ex. She is not educated. He has filed bankruptcy. She has been taken to court 2x for credit card default. They are childless. They rent a rundown apartment. Yet she took something so precious from me that I can never regain.<br /><br />Despite H asking for my forgiveness, apologizing over & over, showing true remorse, making the apts for MC, going to a psychiatrist to get evaluated, telling me I am the love of his life, planning dates, sending flowers, writing daily love letters, finally admitting that it was himself, not me, that he hated, admitting that he and COW had nothing in common except complaining about their spouses, that he realized a future with her would be void of trust b/c of how it started, H has deepening in his faith in God, since Dday has been saying that he is the luckiest man on the planet to still be with me. All of that is what BW would ask for after Dday.<br /><br />Yet, my pain is SO big, how can I heal ENOUGH from the enormity of it. I know the hurt won't change whether we stay married, separate or divorce. The anguish will be with me until I die. <br /><br />Tears.Browneyedgirlnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-53496287752869894572017-03-11T10:48:30.922-05:002017-03-11T10:48:30.922-05:00LLP Thank you for your comment on this post. I of...LLP Thank you for your comment on this post. I often wonder what the OW was thinking since she went after my h in front of me and had help from her friends in trying to destroy my family. She made it clear that she didn't care about my feelings. But in the end she is the one who is lonely. The guy she left and then went running back to when it blew up in her face has finally moved on without her. We moved across the country to get rid of her. She was very obsessed with my husband within a short period of time. She was jealous of the relationship that we had and everyone we worked with saw that. It took drugs and sleep deprivation to get him away from me. The whole affair lasted 10 days and she was telling him she was in love with him. She still has pictures of her and her ex fiance on her Facebook page while his new girlfriend has pictures of them kissing and being happy together on her Facebook page. I gave this piece of garbage the opportunity to tell me her side of the story. But, being the coward she is she hasn't answered me. Her and her friends pretended to be my friend too all to through me off of what they were doing. The thing is, she couldn't get my husband on her own and then she couldn't fight her own battles. She had her friends come after me. The arrogance that she was showing through this mess is what got to me. She even thought that my h would run back to her if I had contact with her. She was wrong. And now her life is not what she had planned 18 months ago.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-71393594249777620062017-03-11T00:34:49.062-05:002017-03-11T00:34:49.062-05:00Has anyone thought that renewing your vows would h...Has anyone thought that renewing your vows would help in the healing process? I thought about this initially and asked that we do this to commit to one another. After kids, jobs and almost 18 years of marriage I figured that we kind of lost what we had originally committed to. I expressed this and he didn't really ever say yes and really stalled. Now he wants to and I'm like...too late...I'm past that now. Why would you not have said yes initially? Like I don't ask for much at all in life. He's the one that broke vows and I just wanted to recommit so that I would feel trust again and get this monkey off my back. I don't need a dress, flowers, venue, gathering of people, etc. I'm a no frills person. I just want honesty, commitment and special moment that could be thought of as a fresh start. Just he and I in front of each other in our own home looking at each other and voicing our vows (something a lot different than 20 years ago) Now that he says yes, I'm frustrated. He doesn't get it. <br />It's our 20th this year and I'm soooo not a cliche person. It's not a milestone for me at all....cause in my mind it got f'd up at year 18 with his affair. <br />Heartfeltnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-90786700376558567532017-03-10T22:28:35.642-05:002017-03-10T22:28:35.642-05:00I was recently reminded by my h's absence that...I was recently reminded by my h's absence that this flippin journey may go on forever, even if he never cheats again. hello triggers, it sbeen a while.<br /> If he does cheat , I may never know (but i think i could figure it out). <br /><br />Even if he can be the most wonderful, understanding and tuned in person in my life I doubt very much that I will ever trust him like i did before. <br /><br />This is not hopelessness, this is reality. I know women here and further along on this road, years ahead of me that still "verify" when things feel off. <br /><br />I was so so naive after D-Day 1. I trusted him implicitly, because he felt so connected with me! That blew up in my face with a D-day 2 in 2016. He pulled a damn good charade for a long time, while he fell deeper into the pit into Sex addiction. Not that he could not have tried to pull himself out, which ticks me off. <br /><br />Why do I stay (at least for now)? Because after I was gutted by the person I trusted the most, I realize that I could be gutted by someone different in the future. It's possible. anything is possible. I'm not willing to give up on this relationship, that I believe is worth rebuilding, just yet. So we carry on.Steamnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-13660573849568195412017-03-10T13:19:31.117-05:002017-03-10T13:19:31.117-05:00Unknown, everything you said resonates with me. I...Unknown, everything you said resonates with me. I actually begged him to tell me what I did to contribute so that I could grasp onto some sort of tangible explanation for his actions. And yes, something I could control and fix because we can only fix ourselves. At times I have even made things up in my own mind just to have something that made sense. I am also forever changed with how I love and how I see myself fitting into life. Sometimes I think this is the part I grieve the most. Fight Like a Girlhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09148889770888166345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-55835197578977513472017-03-10T12:13:26.038-05:002017-03-10T12:13:26.038-05:00Lynn less pain and Elle
I didn't even have to ...Lynn less pain and Elle<br />I didn't even have to guess how the cow felt. She watched my h move into the house and witnessed our joy, sent him texts telling him how crushed her heart was...left him alone for a couple of weeks, and pursued him even harder until their final physical encounter, and then he truly blew her off right before she blew us both up and into her drama! Thankful that one full year has almost passed with no further real contact! I'm fairly certain she's still the same sad piece of mess he thought he wanted so damn bad only to find out she was like chewing gum stuck to his shoe and he'd tried everything to remove it! Glad I helped him find a way! Easy...trash the gummy shoes!Theresahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11767712425596090138noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-58519323686255837982017-03-10T11:23:20.795-05:002017-03-10T11:23:20.795-05:00LLP and Elle, I can't thank you two enough for...LLP and Elle, I can't thank you two enough for putting this out there. It wasn't too much at all. I too wonder what the hell these OW are thinking. It has to suck to know that most times the wife comes first. We've been married almost 28 years and my h told me he never intended to leave me, didn't intend to hurt me, that they knew it was wrong (the 2 of them talked about that), she wanted to end it several times because she knew it was wrong but he convinced her I was okay with it, so just once or twice a month and sexting. Really?!? So this OW was willing to just be available when I wasn't?!? She was willing to be "on call" when I was at work?!? I still wonder (at 15 mos. out) about my h's OW, what she was thinking, and truthfully if she's gone on with her life. LLP, your post helps me to think this through.<br /><br />When my h called his OW to tell her it was over (I told him to choose me or her - he couldn't have it both ways), that I knew about them and we were going to marriage counseling, he told me that her response to him was "put your heart and soul into your marriage". And he has. Thankfully. <br /><br />But what kind of woman would do this to another woman?!? I don't think the OW have any idea the debilitating, excruciating, and unbelievable amount of pain it inflicts on the wife, the family if they find out. The OW just have no idea. Until it happens to you, you just have no idea. I know I didn't.<br /><br />Thanks, LLP. I appreciate your post.Feeling Lostnoreply@blogger.com