tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post4893729401383839583..comments2024-03-27T21:50:33.178-04:00Comments on Betrayed Wives' Club: "If Only You Were Different": Owning Up to ResentmentEllehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-5529756953531963172016-11-12T14:30:52.702-05:002016-11-12T14:30:52.702-05:00This is a great confirmation to me that we still h...This is a great confirmation to me that we still have hope. Per the husband he felt I stopped loving him because I wasn't as physically affectionate as he wanted (saying "I want more sex" didn't tell me "when you don't give me physical affection it makes me feel rejected and unloved"). And if you ask me the problem was that he didn't listen to me and take my concerns seriously (saying "do the MFing dishes!" Wasn't a clear statement of "when you ignore the things I would like you to help me with it makes ME feel rejected and unloved"). HOWEVER now it's a case of "I love you but I'm not in love with you" from him and I feel very deeply that this is just affair fog talking. I desperately hope he can change his mentality (about not trying and that I DO love him) and try again and we can recover. I'm not happy you felt the same way I did but it does make me feel good that you could have those resentments about his behavior and get through somehow. I truly feel if the hurt caused on both sides can be forgiven then we have a chance and as you said I tell him often I can and will try my hardest and best and I can only hope that that will be enough for something good to reignite your love. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-5603474959923016122013-11-06T13:37:12.168-05:002013-11-06T13:37:12.168-05:00MBS,
It's possible to admit your own role…with...MBS,<br />It's possible to admit your own role…without taking on any of the blame. It's like teaching our kids how to apologize by apologizing to them without any expectation that they do the same. Lead by example.<br />Consider telling him that you've given a lot of thought to how your marriage got to where it is. And that you now recognize that you played a role in that (NOT in the affair…but the state of the marriage). And that you're hopeful that now that you can see how your behaviour had a negative impact…you want to do it differently. Be calm and simply state it as fact. Don't do it to be manipulative -- to try and convince him to do it back. Have no expectations other than the chance to own up to your own shortcomings.<br />Try not to play the game of "he has to go first…" It's tempting but ultimately unproductive. He's not as far along the insight spectrum as you. It's that simple. But you can light the way.<br /><br />ElleEllehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-39565473604029033942013-11-05T00:22:37.293-05:002013-11-05T00:22:37.293-05:00Wow. This hit home hard.
I acknowledge all of this...Wow. This hit home hard.<br />I acknowledge all of this. I want to acknowledge this to my husband. Except that he is still in the fog of the affair and still blame shifts and hasn't quite shown a whole lot of motivation to work hard on the marraige. So I don't want to admit to too much because he is barely admiting his failure as a person to handle his problems with more dignity and respect for his wife. So I guess I will wait until he can actually ask what he could do to repair the damage.MBShttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10168863416317700184noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-52449281481488492542012-04-14T10:46:07.947-04:002012-04-14T10:46:07.947-04:00Happy to help! :)
Seriously...all I can do is writ...Happy to help! :)<br />Seriously...all I can do is write my own experience and hope it helps others. I always maintain that one of the toughest parts of healing from betrayal is having to do it alone. If we can guide each other through, we all gain.Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-9038690543763779372012-04-12T15:23:11.367-04:002012-04-12T15:23:11.367-04:00Elle, I'm so glad that I went back and started...Elle, I'm so glad that I went back and started reading some of your older posts (advice from a dear friend). I was actually "on my way" toward the beginning of your posts, when this one caught my eye and I stopped. I can relate so completely to the resentment factor. I realized it shortly after "D-Day" and have berated myself for my resentments toward him constantly. We have a great counselor and she has tried to convey your message to me, but coming from you in this post - it finally made sense to me. I actually want my husband to read it - this one post only (lol). Thank you for putting this into words. You have made this day a brighter one for this girl!Denoreply@blogger.com