tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post5332615360463520860..comments2024-03-28T19:25:37.448-04:00Comments on Betrayed Wives' Club: The story of your painEllehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comBlogger52125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-46380077642628924302019-11-15T13:06:07.215-05:002019-11-15T13:06:07.215-05:00Ann, you need to be a writer. My mind relaxed as I...Ann, you need to be a writer. My mind relaxed as I read your words thank youAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-49183527910777799212016-10-24T13:23:15.230-04:002016-10-24T13:23:15.230-04:00Hey Beach Girl,
"Accidental Saints." Lo...Hey Beach Girl,<br />"Accidental Saints." Love and highly recommend. Not so much for betrayal issues specifically, just for life. <br />Heads up that it is definitely written by a Lutheran pastor... I'm not sure the book would be as powerful for someone who is not from a Christian tradition and/or not interested in wrestling with what that means in their life. Nothing negative, but it might not touch as deeply if the Gospels, etc are not in your tradition. <br />Enjoy!Salnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-16895088029740896892016-10-23T11:33:18.693-04:002016-10-23T11:33:18.693-04:00Steam, I second what Theresa said. It is so hard t...Steam, I second what Theresa said. It is so hard to know who is safe, who to share with and this is a safe place. Puke away my hurting friend. Been there done that and may always need to purge once in awhile.Beach Girlnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-15252935953321467652016-10-22T15:07:48.846-04:002016-10-22T15:07:48.846-04:00Steam, I'm standing right beside you with my a...Steam, I'm standing right beside you with my arm around your shoulders. So on the downer thing... You are ALLOWED. This is a safe place, show up, be real, let it out. You aren't obligated to pretend here. On being embarrassed about being hopeful... Hope is precious and a reflection of the beauty and strength of your soul. The one who should be embarrassed is the idiot who pulled this shit twice. On not really working on yourself...reading, writing and going to therapy sounds an awful lot like working on you. <br />I can hear how tired and wrung out you sound. I'm there very often too. But know that feelings are not permanent. Something will shift. <br />I promise myself ever morning that I will be ok no matter what, that today I will do my best to focus on me and what serves me. Some days that's a killer run. Some days it's tea and a nap with the dogs. Some days it's epic meditation. Some days it's cheesecake. <br />I so hope this next post limbo phase works for you, serves you and gets you somewhere better. Much love. Still Standingnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-17209587403088576822016-10-22T09:05:43.494-04:002016-10-22T09:05:43.494-04:00Steam
You're not a downer! You're an hones...Steam<br />You're not a downer! You're an honest lady whose heart has been twisted and bruised. The feeling of limbo has to be hell. I'm so sorry he keeps you on that damn roller coaster! I'm saying prayers that he's able to live what he's saying. It's really hard when all we have are each other here for comfort because I have not shared this shitfest with anyone else. That's why I think it's taken me so long to get this far. I'm not totally wonderful every day either but I'm working on it! My suggestion is to keep venting here because it really does help just to spit it out and here is the only place where no one judges our setbacks nor our choices for the path we walk! Hugs!Theresahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11767712425596090138noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-6164652806300570212016-10-22T08:35:43.596-04:002016-10-22T08:35:43.596-04:00In search of me
I'm so sorry for your pain. I...In search of me <br />I'm so sorry for your pain. I understand how much it hurts to learn how much he appears to have been involved with the ow. However, the reason she shared the hurtful text was simply to hurt you as much as she's apparently hurt. I'm not going to tell you it's easy to get past any of this hurt but it is possible. If your h is willing to work hard and show you he's a changed man. I'm also going to suggest a therapist that specializes in infidelity. I've been drifting down this path almost 2 years and none of it has been easy but it is worth it. You have to go slow and take care of your basic needs. Five months is so new and raw. I'm slowly getting myself past all the 'truth' she chose to stab me in the heart with. We're replacing those hurtful memories with better more honest memories and the new ones include plenty of one step forward and two steps backward. Others here will have more advice but all I can say is just take it slow. Hugs!Theresahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11767712425596090138noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-5276561594543040982016-10-21T14:30:47.380-04:002016-10-21T14:30:47.380-04:00I so understand your pain and frustration! I have ...I so understand your pain and frustration! I have days that are virginal in their hopefulness, only to be slimed with the taint of seeing the OW.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07944594008673767769noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-23060149633141711742016-10-20T18:57:53.964-04:002016-10-20T18:57:53.964-04:00Sal, which book did you buy? They all look intere...Sal, which book did you buy? They all look interesting. Still Standing, thank you for the technical assistance. Hope you are both still reading this thread.Beach Girlnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-1773790989545327872016-10-20T17:57:30.321-04:002016-10-20T17:57:30.321-04:00I have been reading a lot but not commenting becau...I have been reading a lot but not commenting because i am so stuck in a "limbo" and feel like such a downer. and I'm also embarrassed, so embarrassed that after D-Day #1 i was so damn HOPEFUL and was CONVINCED that my H would never do "that" again. Then a year later, he did, and he did for a year and a half and I had NO idea. After that first year we had for the most part stopped talking about his affair (with a prostitute) and I thought we were both moving on. He started to withdraw but never ever ever thought he would go back to where he was, and worse. To find D-day number two was so totally different. The first one shocked me and broke my heart. The 2nd one has completely left me off center. He is off working, 2000 miles away right now and we've been apart, my choice since that D-day in June and he's moving back home sometime in November. Until then it's like limbo. I should be working on myself but I am really too exhausted (physically and emotionally) to do anything but read, read, write and get therapy. I friggin hate Limbo. He says he's doing "fine" without his 12 step meetings (there are none where he is--and there are FEW for sex addicts anywhere) and says is not tortured by his sex addiction, compulsion and need for hookers to fill the empty space inside of him. Really? he's done that in four months? It's hard to believe a word that comes out of his mouth even though I believe that that is what HE believes. My fear is that when he comes home I will never ever be able to stop talking about it. Few friends know and people at work have NO idea. so trying to act like everything is normal is also exhausting. I'm feeling bad right this very minute so I thought I would just get this out there. You ladies are my life raft, I swear to God. Steamnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-66585138049456521122016-10-20T17:27:51.077-04:002016-10-20T17:27:51.077-04:00DD was May 27th his year...trickle truth all summe...DD was May 27th his year...trickle truth all summer even tho it had ended. An 18 month long affair. 3 weeks ago OW sent a package with many of their texts..she left out the arguing ones and talks of ending it but sent all of the Love, sex and fun texts. Now I'm even mor devastated. He texted her while we were on our 20th anniversary. He brought her in town for a baseball game.. How do I ever get over it now that I know the depth? He begs for forgiveness..biggest mistake etc.. I can get past it..help please. Lost...In Search of Mehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17391372292945612871noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-13740748528871454772016-10-19T12:32:46.123-04:002016-10-19T12:32:46.123-04:00wow to the original post. Hopeful 30, I am right ...wow to the original post. Hopeful 30, I am right where you are. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-19428916074312162182016-10-18T18:45:32.120-04:002016-10-18T18:45:32.120-04:00I agree year two has been hard for me too. I think...I agree year two has been hard for me too. I think what I struggle with is it just never feels better. It cannot be undone and really that feels like the only thing that would make it better. I feel like compared to a medical issue like cancer or something else that happens to you. For me it is worse since this person chose actions that hurt me and us. It is that choice he made to go down that path. And for me it is sinking in that this really happened.Hopeful 30noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-66180266010613057162016-10-18T18:42:06.801-04:002016-10-18T18:42:06.801-04:00Triedntrue28, I think you are right at least in my...Triedntrue28, I think you are right at least in my case my husband wishes it would be better for both of us. I feel like at times he is farther along but I also wonder if it is him and being a guy that he just does not overthink these things. I do know he said that not a day goes by it does not enter his mind and he does not have regret. For him though he said he thinks it is easier. He sat with this for 10 years and hated himself. He did not think if he told me I would stay. He never stopped loving me or wanted to leave. So when I agreed to stay and work it out or try his biggest fear is that he would not be able to change enough for it to be worth it for me to stay. In the end he is happier than he ever has been and as he feels like he has a second lease on life.<br /><br />We are at 19 months out from dday 1. I thought once I was past year one it would keep improving. I actually felt pretty good on dday 1 anniversary. But instead it is exactly as you say. The reality is sinking in. The first year centered around discovery and getting through the pain. Now it has settled on this will always be there and how do I live with it. I find that hard a lot of times. We had a big talk last week. His big thing is he wants me to be happy and trust him at some point. It is hard for him to hear me say I am not sure if or when that will happen. I have happy moments but am I happy with him is hard. It is hard every time your husband is not home to wonder. And I could go on and on. Even though my husband has changed dramatically I told him I need more. I told him that I am still struggling. He said great things to me and gave me wonderful gifts and cards filled with thoughtful words during the affair years. So now I think is this all fake too. My therapist says I would know. I am more aware but I also know if he wanted to do anything he could find a way. He tells me I would notice he would be more distant.<br /><br />In the end I told him everything I need. I told him I was hurt he refused to go to therapy with me. I told him I was upset that he refused to continue weekly talks. I told him I was upset he stopped reading the book we agreed to read together. And on and on. I think deep down I feel like I don't want to have this list of complaints, but if i don't speak up then I am left resenting him. I am left feeling alone. In the end I said I need you to do even more. I need to hear more from you and I need to be with you more. I said I did not know when it would get better or improve but I had to get it out. It helped me a ton. This is hard stuff. And as my therapist said this is a major injury to any relationship. <br /><br />And what I found is I write out my thoughts a lot. I try really hard to make them concise and also talk about how I feel vs. saying you to my husband. I try to be less emotional. When I cry he just shuts down. And especially since he sees this as all his fault. I also told him he needs to just listen instead of interrupting me or trying to fix it. Sometimes I just need to be heard. Those have all helped him be less defensive and more open.Hopeful 30noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-67692551771226685922016-10-18T16:10:01.801-04:002016-10-18T16:10:01.801-04:00Triedntrue 28
I'm so sorry you had to find us ...Triedntrue 28<br />I'm so sorry you had to find us but glad you did in such a horrible time in your life. For us it was about the same time that my h was sick of dealing with the fall out but after several of my meltdown fits, and then me patiently explaining to him that it was part of the process to understand and accept what had happened to us, I think he finally understands that it takes as long as it takes and nothing can rush it! He's also had to learn how to respond when I trigger and how to calm me back down but it took many months of trying to get us this far! Almost two years past dday but it is getting better and easier for both of us. We take baby steps together! Right now it sounds like your h is still dealing with his own shame and the constant reminders from you do make him feel awful and as if it'll always be this way but it doesn't have to be if he's willing to keep doing the hard work of proving he means what he's saying by watching his actions! Hugs! I know that pain and frustration of wanting to punch his lights out! I do it mentally now because even though I love the man, he's a man and they're always doing something that reminds us of that angry place!Theresahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11767712425596090138noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-86048599887270730852016-10-18T15:41:51.525-04:002016-10-18T15:41:51.525-04:00Love this post. Thank you for introducing Nadia B...Love this post. Thank you for introducing Nadia Bolz-Weber. Bought the book. Good stuff.<br /><br />The grief is hitting me hard in this 2nd year. My H wants me to get past it. He's not impatient, just wishful. I'm sure for my sake, but for his sake too. <br /><br />I can't yet. I was more like him the 1st year post D-Day -- hopeful and grateful to have something to "fix." Busy. Active healing. But I think I'm feeling the settling weight of it now. How it will always be part of me/us. Everything we do becomes part of us. Can't just get rid of the ugly bits, especially when they change us so fundamentally.<br /> <br />Last week I explained to my H how I imagine my grief to be an amputation. My grandmother lost her finger, due to a random blood clot. At first the amputation was awful for her -- it hurt like Hell, it made it hard to function, she noticed it 24/7. Eventually she adjusted. The phantom pain only came in flares. It wasn't all bad -- she got a 10% discount on manicures :) It ended up just being the way she was -- Gram only has 9 fingers. Fact. No biggie. The rest of her was fine. Just one finger missing. <br /><br />I never had the sense to talk to her about it. But I bet she could always summon the feeling of what it was like to have 10 fingers, to take her hands for granted. Her finger was gone and it never grew back. And even though losing her finger wasn't the worst thing that could have happened, by far (the clot could have lodged in her brain or heart instead), I bet she missed it. In my memories, I can see her tapping on the stump, always. Sigh.Salnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-84886476849327192682016-10-18T14:23:30.853-04:002016-10-18T14:23:30.853-04:00Hi Elle. I posted above as anonymous. I appreciat...Hi Elle. I posted above as anonymous. I appreciate the truth you promote on this blog. I am 13 months out now, and up until now my husband has accepted responsibility and been there through all the emotional fall out his actions have caused. Lately, this past week, I see an attitude of "am I always going to be what I did" in him, and it just makes my blood boil. <br />I know to move forward in a relationship with him, I'm going to have to learn to trust his actions in recent days...but when he says things like this, I just want to punch him. I did not ask to have him step out on me and our marriage. I did not ask to have him cowardly deal with his "pain" by turning to anything that would give him a "quick release". How do I balance these two things? His need to not feel beat-up and my need to not have him "box it up and pretend it didn't happen". Thank you for your response above. It is not my job to make this "easier" on him so that we can "move forward". It's his job to deal with his crap, own it for real and allow it to shape his path. Thanks for this reminder.triedntrue28noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-46502948093756705842016-10-18T13:53:43.722-04:002016-10-18T13:53:43.722-04:00He's cheated 4 times in 18 years. I just can&#...He's cheated 4 times in 18 years. I just can't get over this last time. I found about 12 archived Facebook messages of him reaching out to old girlfriends in a row. That's how bad he wanted to cheat on me. It's not like it was a random thing that happened. You don't cheat 4 times and still want to be in a relationship. He's staying because he doesn't want people to know.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-39592708715670972612016-10-18T13:46:52.654-04:002016-10-18T13:46:52.654-04:00Beach Girl, If only we could meet and have a good ...Beach Girl, If only we could meet and have a good cry! But thankfully we all connect here. I would be an even bigger mess without this site. And really to hear others words to be in the company of others. I feel the same as you! And my husband feels the same. He has said he feels like he has ruined me as far as even if I chose to leave him it would still hang over me. He also says that it hurts even worse since he always did love me and loves me more than ever. He said the pain is so bad for him. He said if there wasn't that love he would feel bad but his pain goes beyond feeling bad. I know he gets it. I really feel like this will just always be present. My kids are so into Hamilton so now they talk about infidelity all the time. It really comes from every direction. And yes I focus on my work and my kids. My kids are amazing and I enjoy every minute of every day I have with them.Hopeful 30noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-70181069524822393792016-10-18T13:42:46.283-04:002016-10-18T13:42:46.283-04:00Good to hear that over and over for me. I have nev...Good to hear that over and over for me. I have never dealt with anything like this. Pretty much most things in my life have been linear or in my control. Not this.<br /><br />And Gee my husband says the same thing and since about 2 months past dday that he is going no where ever unless I ask him to leave. It is good to know they are invested and that helps makes it easier for me to stay committed to this.Hopeful 30noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-64545285113639029532016-10-18T11:04:54.191-04:002016-10-18T11:04:54.191-04:00Anonymous,
You're not "somebody's lef...Anonymous,<br />You're not "somebody's leftovers" and I want you to consider that those words are from long ago, not right now. I suspect that's a feeling you've harboured for much of your life. Never feeling quite...enough.<br />As for getting "over it yet", forgiving someone has nothing to do with rewriting the pain out of your shared history. Rather it's about incorporating it into your story and accepting it for what it is. Your husband sounds as though he's asking you to pretend it never happened. That's not forgiveness. He wants you to help him avoid the guilt and shame he undoubtedly feels when he's reminded of it. And that's not your job. It's his job to process that guilt and shame and allow it to shape him into a better man who's far less likely to go down this path toward infidelity again. Your job is to heal yourself from this pain...on whatever schedule that takes. Don't let him convince you that it's your job to make him feel less shitty about what he did. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-35721403775221318632016-10-18T11:01:15.845-04:002016-10-18T11:01:15.845-04:00Gee,
No healing is not linear. You often circle ba...Gee,<br />No healing is not linear. You often circle back around things that still aren't entirely processed. Or you're triggered by something and you feel like you're right back at the start but it's different this time...and you move through it differently. Each time we revisit a painful experience, we see it from a slightly different angle and we learn something different about ourselves, our lives, the world. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-14087501829866941182016-10-18T09:46:57.187-04:002016-10-18T09:46:57.187-04:00I don't even know who I am anymore. I don'...I don't even know who I am anymore. I don't know if I can ever get over it yet I'm made out to be the bad guy by my husband because I can't. His response "but you've said you've forgiven me." It's not the same thing. I'm miserable and I don't want to live the rest of my life like this. I'm tired of being somebody's leftovers.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-39406509999469173742016-10-17T22:37:21.643-04:002016-10-17T22:37:21.643-04:00Hopeful 30, I agree with you. When I have good day...Hopeful 30, I agree with you. When I have good days they are very good and when I have bad days they are terrible. I love my husband deeply and I hate him too. I'm hoping that time will temper my emotions. Infidelity is everywhere and my husband can tell immediately when something happens as he says I begin to withdraw and it is often a slow process that happens over a few days and they I cry. He feels badly and knows this will always be between us. I just can't see my way to believe that there is a light at the end of this tunnel but so many here, Elle included, seem to move on and live a good life. I still have my children and grandchildren to love on. Peace and healing to all.Beach Girlnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-11426253918899155302016-10-17T12:17:53.609-04:002016-10-17T12:17:53.609-04:00I can see where this will continue to be a part of...I can see where this will continue to be a part of my life forever. I guess I was just immune or unaware before but really every single thing in my life seems to bring up infidelity. I mean even listening to Hamilton my kids talk about infidelity all the time. The news of course and every tv show or movie. Then it seems to come up in life more than ever. I find myself so skeptical of others. It is hard to trust anyone considering the one person I thought I could trust was my worst enemy. I struggle with all of this. But I know even if we were not together it would be affecting me the same way. One time my husband said he felt like he ruined me and my ability to trust anyone. This was early on and I brushed it off but I feel like he is right. I just will never seen things the same. I know in a way that is good but it makes me think are there decent people out there how will I ever be able to tell.Hopeful 30noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-49756709675152641852016-10-17T11:59:45.092-04:002016-10-17T11:59:45.092-04:00I was raised by an abusive mother who shamed me fo...I was raised by an abusive mother who shamed me for having normal feelings. So of course I have the tendency to beat myself up for not being over it yet.<br /><br />In a pregnancy loss support group, someone told me that healing is not linear. Those words have helped me. It's not a straight line, and that's okay. It doesn't mean I'm failing. It means I'm normal.<br /><br />The one good thing is that my husband no longer pushes me to be over it. He says even if I'm sad about this for the rest of our lives, he's staying. Unless I tell him to leave, he's in this for the long haul.Geenoreply@blogger.com