tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post6359494403580277929..comments2024-03-27T21:50:33.178-04:00Comments on Betrayed Wives' Club: You'll never get over this. And that's a good thing. Ellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comBlogger53125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-17367246204543392082017-02-07T19:42:08.383-05:002017-02-07T19:42:08.383-05:00Thanks for that link Steam. It is awesome and spot...Thanks for that link Steam. It is awesome and spot on.Beach Girlnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-75495842431524172202017-02-02T12:30:57.113-05:002017-02-02T12:30:57.113-05:00Steam I love that Tim Lawrence piece. He's ama...Steam I love that Tim Lawrence piece. He's amazing.Still Standingnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-48256948803384656982017-02-01T17:52:46.898-05:002017-02-01T17:52:46.898-05:00Still Standing
Preach girl, preach.
and yes, thi...Still Standing<br />Preach girl, preach. <br />and yes, this: "And no, I'm not dropping any "things happen for a reason" bullshit on you" <br />reminds me of something I found about 10 months after dday one and it's helped me in so many ways on so many days. the reality is, we take the crap thrown at us and we are the ones who turn it into something meaningful. You are an inspiration. Thank you so much for sticking around.<br />http://www.timjlawrence.com/blog/2015/10/19/everything-doesnt-happen-for-a-reasonSteamnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-35153757981901023652017-01-25T05:56:18.170-05:002017-01-25T05:56:18.170-05:00Elle .. I cried when I read this post. 20 mon the ...Elle .. I cried when I read this post. 20 mon the out its still in my rearview mirror only i find myself looking ahead more often now then I look back ... i feel my happy again over small joys and am much more selective in general on everything about life some in a good way and change others im still processing and working on and thats ok. Thanks for this Elle and ladies this post defiantly feels like a soft hopeful place we can land. Woundednoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-64605235374878932432017-01-25T05:47:29.165-05:002017-01-25T05:47:29.165-05:00My H ... same thing 30 ... twenty months out and s...My H ... same thing 30 ... twenty months out and some days this still happens or he has a fear ill just pick up and leave or cheat on him ... stay in the day I tell him much easier. I think he might still be dealing with the shame and guilt he thinks about what he did everyday how stupid it was how toooooo long it went on and tells me sorry often and this is one of many reasons im still here. Woundednoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-6801827542439992852017-01-24T19:53:23.974-05:002017-01-24T19:53:23.974-05:00Ann,
We started out young with him drafted into t...Ann,<br /><br />We started out young with him drafted into the AF so got to skip the commuter airlines route, but the military was no fun in the Vietnam war. As luck had it, husband got into a major airline as soon as he left, skipped furloughs tho it was always in the shadows and we lived below our means just in case he lost the job. And as soon as he made young capt. that's when the ego blossomed. But damn it, I wasn't going to be some cliche! It was my teaching job that supported us in the early yrs. the thing that pulled us under was his parents wanting to meet the FA. Kid you not!!! He was playing eenie meanie mo & we weren't even separated. The super religious parents wanted their son to be happy, to be adored and those who share the rarified air of flying, well no one appreciates the capt more than the sky goddess slut. Obviously once he made the choice to work on our marriage with me, his parents were in awkward I'll even. And me, I got the STD (HPV) priceless souvenir that may have caused my cancer many yrs down the road. To this day I feel such anger about that since my husband was the only one I've had sex with. Wow! What in the world was I saving my myself for? For you dealing with a working fly boy, you might suggest what my husband did. Once reformed, he skipped dinners with crews and just ate in the room. Plenty of time to study for check rides, updates, etc and a good way to stay out of trouble. Pilot's wifehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11151052549934657376noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-28966246085572216002017-01-24T17:22:29.297-05:002017-01-24T17:22:29.297-05:00Browneyedgirl, I hear you. Elle, your words about ...Browneyedgirl, I hear you. Elle, your words about expecting a partner, but the h just looking for a distorted mirror really strike a chord with me too. Let these lost souls wake up and start to face their own real reflection.Selkienoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-88126173125857138762017-01-23T17:10:49.735-05:002017-01-23T17:10:49.735-05:00Fight Like A Girl,
I wish I knew the magic answer ...Fight Like A Girl,<br />I wish I knew the magic answer to letting it go. I understand what you are saying. I've spent a lot of time wondering why it took this to get to where we are now. I've questioned why God's plan involved so much pain for me. <br />But as I read what you wrote and thought about it, I realized that, yes, the affair is what caused my husband to reach rock bottom, but he is who he is today because of all the work he's done on himself since it was discovered. The OW gets no credit for that and she's not the heroine in my story. She's a broken person who still, nearly two years later crops up in an effort to make herself relevant in our lives. (Thank you, Elle for pointing that out to me.) If she chooses to work on herself and her own marriage, she can be the heroine of her own story. As far as our husbands loving us enough before to be the men they became after the affair, I think the problem is that they didn't love themselves enough to be that person. It wasn't ever about us or how much they loved us.<br />It's a struggle and I know how easy it is for me to fall back into thoughts and behaviors that don't help me move forward. Some days I fail, but I try not to beat myself up. Dandelionhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07422695784998995973noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-61158163528482177092017-01-23T16:15:07.720-05:002017-01-23T16:15:07.720-05:00Hang in there New Mom. Please consider seeing a d...Hang in there New Mom. Please consider seeing a doctor for help with PPD. Some of your battle may simply be hormones -- medicine can get them back on track.<br /><br />I have discovered that my progress is very much affected by PMS. My cycle has become totally unpredictable and intense in mid-life. Now it seems whenever I have one or two days of rage/depression where it seems I randomly hate my H and the OWs and life in general all over again, aha! I get my period. Figuring this out has really made a difference in how I handle these emotions when they come. Instead of being overwhelmed by a setback, I can remind myself that its (mostly) the hormones talking.<br /><br />I'm not minimizing your betrayal -- of course that is the real problem! Every woman here knows that! But I encourage you to reach out for medical advice. A compassionate doctor can really help you to heal. <br /><br />Wishing you peace. Hugs!Salnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-55828136691938137392017-01-23T15:40:47.558-05:002017-01-23T15:40:47.558-05:00Thanks Anon. I appreciate the reply and the though...Thanks Anon. I appreciate the reply and the thoughts. New Momnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-75496640680072517742017-01-23T15:38:17.712-05:002017-01-23T15:38:17.712-05:00Fight Like a Girl, thank you for so eloquently put...Fight Like a Girl, thank you for so eloquently putting into words the struggle I feel as well. I wish I had answers or suggestions for you, but I don't. Not yet. I do, however, want you to know that you're not alone in your struggles. I, too, feel unable to let my guard down, like somehow that will make what he did okay. The idea of letting myself see and feel the good that has come from this feels like a betrayal of myself. I want to move forward, but I feel stuck. I hope that you find healing on your path. I hope that your desire for that healing becomes greater than your fear of letting yourself be vulnerable again. I'll be here trying for the same; I'll let you know if I find the magic solution (haha... If only there were such a thing.) In the meantime, hugs to you.New Momnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-81183823116481115692017-01-23T15:33:18.316-05:002017-01-23T15:33:18.316-05:00Pilot's wife- I have come to realize those exa...Pilot's wife- I have come to realize those exact same things about my husband's personality. When we met and married, he was young, skinny, nerdy (or at least extra focused on aviation), lived with his parents, and made the same amount of money I did as a teacher while he worked at a commuter airline. Now in his 40's he works for a major as a captain, face filled out, works out a lot, makes a lot of money... he's changed a lot. Just like a heart surgeon he's risen to the top of a competitive field and "sky god" is the perfect way to describe it. Me finding out about the affairs has knocked him back to human at this point, but we have discussed frequently why humility is going to be a struggle for him. I frequently remind him to, "check yo self before you wreck yo self." He's still working in the field, so yes, I will need lots of luck. There's some shame for me looking back and remembering all the times someone mentioned the stereotype of the cheating pilot. I always said, "not mine. he's not like that." ugh. Every time we're at the airport or on a plane I think the exact same thing as you... I wonder who is sleeping with who here? I wonder which FA got which STD this week? annnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-30960721351187353872017-01-23T15:16:50.261-05:002017-01-23T15:16:50.261-05:00My husband struggled with this more from the stand...My husband struggled with this more from the standpoint of he felt like I could do so much better or wishing we had never met. Granted I struggled for a long time with what he did to our marriage, himself and me. It was shocking especially the length of time. And it honestly made me the most sad he was so broken that those were the choices he made. I realized he was miserable and hated himself for over 10 years. It explains a lot now looking back!<br /><br />Maybe this is just my way to justify it but I have told my husband over and over that when you look at statistics close to or over half of the households are touched by infidelity. <br />And then many people have other issues financial, drug, alcohol abuse... I would not wish this on anyone ever as it is the worst thing I have dealt with. Illness has not compared since it was not an action someone was taking against me or directly hurting me. <br /><br />I also read a quote and I wish I remember who it was but it was a psychologist or psychiatrist who gave a speech/talk and his wife was there. someone asked about their marriage. And he cited the 10 rough years. It was much better stated than that but it is true ask most people and they go through some major challenges. Yes many handle them better but many do not. I know my husband has friends who lie about a lot to their wives and none of it is right. I think going through this has opened his eyes that really no lie is okay or worth it. But I think our society and at least who my husband hangs around has a boys will be boys mentality and even though they are all very successful they act immature.<br /><br />And I too felt bad the first few anniversaries or when asked how and when we met I hated describing it all. Actually feeling like I was going to throw up. I felt so fake. Or people will tell me how much my husband has helped them, a family member or their kid (he is in the mental health field) and i would think great but he could not control or help himself! But I have moved past this. It took a lot of time and a major effort of positive thinking. I am proud of what we have. We are closer than ever and we have a totally open line of communication. I think this kind of feeling though has taken a long time and evolves. Good for you and that is an awesome story and I love you took photos. You should be proud.Hopeful 30noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-55705561009938136472017-01-23T15:06:26.731-05:002017-01-23T15:06:26.731-05:00Fight Like A Girl, I was really struggling a lot i...Fight Like A Girl, I was really struggling a lot in the fall so around 15-18 months past dday. I was isolating myself, vigilant and not letting my guard down. I felt so stuck. I could see how my husband had changed which was a lot and remarkable. However I still felt like there was a barrier between us. I too felt all the things you did. I asked myself all those same questions. <br /><br />In the end my therapist said he felt like for my case that I needed to be self protective and really exercise caution. He said it was a good way for me to learn to trust my gut and and put myself first. However at around 15 months he said I needed to start at least thinking about being vulnerable. He did not push me but he said to gradually start to relax and open up more. Otherwise he said I really risked letting this drag me down and ultimately keep me from enjoying happiness as an individual. Which was all true at the time. He told me of a couple he saw for years and finally he suggested they separate and divorce. He said it might be the only time in 30+ years but at the point they were at there was nothing else that could be done. The husband had done all the hard work and repaired the marriage the best he could. But he said the wife literally 5 years later could not let go and move past the affairs. And I am not saying you are being like this. But in the end his point was if you cannot move past the hurt and pain to become more vulnerable what is stopping you. Do you need more information, more from your spouse, more work together or is it resistance. <br /><br />It took me several months and I was really open with my husband that I was scared and did not want to let my guard down. I was holding myself back and in turn us. He was very understanding and we talked about what would help me move forward. My husband was shocked when I told him how I was feeling since he was in such a great place. But we decided we needed to spend more time together, decrease my stress, he needed to make even more of an effort (around the house, with the kids, emotionally, physically), and we decided to do more checking in with each other (we did this weekly after dday but since things had improved we stopped). He explained that he felt like a new person and felt his entire life was so different in a positive way. But for me was we moved well past a year past dday I felt like nervousness and doubt was creeping in. And I know I have said it before but I had to explain to my husband that I had even higher expectations now since he had stepped it up. His old base level help and ways of connecting needed to increase. I needed and wanted more from him and our marriage. It helped so much but I think what we learned most is we need to be really attentive of each other and our marriage forever.Hopeful 30noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-15621509766227800842017-01-23T14:58:09.146-05:002017-01-23T14:58:09.146-05:00Thank you Theresa. I hope you are winning today...Thank you Theresa. I hope you are winning today's struggle. Today I got nothing done that I needed to but, I did have the first real conversation with a friend since D day. I have isolated myself and pretty much stopped socializing at all. I felt sad because no one noticed. Today I realized that someone did notice. And she called me and said...what's wrong? Because I can tell you aren't ok. And that was so amazing. To know that somewhere out there someone noticed I wasn't ok. And cared enough to listen to me cry and tell me that she will listen to me cry again. <br /><br />I never knew I could be this broken. And I never thought I'd be strong enough to put myself back together. Today I have a little less darkness. I never knew I could be this broken, but maybe there is hope that I am not broken forever. <br /><br />Guess we will just have to wait and see. Maiden of the shieldnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-39940503804690756552017-01-23T14:53:20.443-05:002017-01-23T14:53:20.443-05:00Good for you! It sounds like there was a lot of be...Good for you! It sounds like there was a lot of benefit for both of you. What it reminds me of is we had to clean out our basement and in turn we found all of the letters my husband sent me while we were dating. Some were cards but many were when we were long distance. There are a lot of them as we spent a summer apart and then over a year after college apart. I think it was a reminder of what our lives used to be like. As he says he did not deal with all the changes in his life in a positive or healthy way. And my husband had to be introspective which was hard at time for my husband. Basically it forced him to face his shame and guilt head on. But I knew he had to be the one to do it. I had general expectations but I needed him to step up and deal with his actions. I guess luckily he is in the mental health field so he was always more this way in general. But he has pushed all of this to a deep dark spot and detached from it since he had ended his affairs over a year before dday. But in the end there was something keeping us from being truly close.<br /><br />This has been the most difficult thing I have ever endured but if it had to happen I am glad it came out. I would never go back and live the old life. This is so much better. Keep us updated!Hopeful 30noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-82505865295093411162017-01-23T13:58:04.366-05:002017-01-23T13:58:04.366-05:00Maiden of the shield
I never knew I could be so b...Maiden of the shield <br />I never knew I could be so broken! That is where I'm struggling. Every time I think I've gotten over a major trigger, I have a setback. I'm just glad Elle knows the words to calm me back to earth. Thanks for posting your thoughts! Hugs!Theresahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11767712425596090138noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-59690753127128981462017-01-23T13:47:18.346-05:002017-01-23T13:47:18.346-05:00Thanks Elle
We said the same thing yesterday. We c...Thanks Elle<br />We said the same thing yesterday. We chose not to deal with the unresolved issue for now, I'm too emotional over some issues with my mothers health so we tabled our discussion for now.Theresahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11767712425596090138noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-25418827383832678272017-01-23T13:46:10.616-05:002017-01-23T13:46:10.616-05:00Thanks Lynn Less Pain,
I have read so many of your...Thanks Lynn Less Pain,<br />I have read so many of your posts here. You have such great perspective. The A started in Deember 12/2005, only 1 physical encounter, but then stayed EA on & off for 4 years (email) then one failed in person encounter (ED) in 1/2010. I am really struggling the most with him looking back 7 years and saying "I thought I loved her"... It might be the thing that keeps me form moving past it. I can move past 1x sex in the backseat of a car (that's nothing special - nor is it where you take someone you love). So he is well out of the 'fog' but still a lot of work to do on introspection and self-awareness!Browneyedgirlnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-9439552560678435982017-01-23T13:41:03.176-05:002017-01-23T13:41:03.176-05:00New Mom, I am thinking of you. I hope you are see...New Mom, I am thinking of you. I hope you are seeing your OB/GYN about the PPD. Don't be afraid to take antidepressants for a few months for your kids. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-15148956156355712022017-01-23T13:23:54.968-05:002017-01-23T13:23:54.968-05:00Pilot's wife - I LOL at you thinking of pourin...Pilot's wife - I LOL at you thinking of pouring coffee on some flight attendant. I met a woman this weekend (she must have been in her 70's) her husband had an affair 30 years ago and they recovered and have been happily married for decades. Anyway she told how she wanted to ram into the back of the car of any woman who had the same hairstyle as the OW. Our generation is not the first to deal with CH's. I imagine this sweet looking grey haired woman ramming another car and explaining to the officer. Now I totally get it! And appreciate the dark humor.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-52286820310953321452017-01-23T12:51:40.443-05:002017-01-23T12:51:40.443-05:00Still standing
Reading this today after a weekend ...Still standing<br />Reading this today after a weekend from hell gives me hope. Hope that I can return totally to the self confidant woman I was before dday turned me into a needy emotional wreck at the most likely moments. Dealing with triggers in a public place stinks! Thanks for your uplifting post!Theresahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11767712425596090138noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-67154126275363456712017-01-23T11:00:37.769-05:002017-01-23T11:00:37.769-05:00Ann,
It's so great to meet someone who unders...Ann,<br /><br />It's so great to meet someone who understands what it's like being married to a Skygod! Yes, there are some perks to the job but you nailed it when you said there are some aggressive Skysluts. Of course not all airline people cheat but the nature of the job makes it easy as well as the type of people who choose that career. My husband is super smart, good looking , and charming but has a huge ego to match. It goes without saying, that you do want a confident person flying that 777. At the end of his career, I didn't worry about any cheating because he was flying international, trips to Shanghai didn't leave much energy to cheat I'm sure. Plus he got so burned by the last FA that he was pretty much affair proofed. Good luck if your h is still doing the job. After what my h did, I put up so many walls that I didn't really care if he did again but he wasn't going to he said and at some point I believed him. And despite all the yrs, I can't get on an airplane and not wonder who is sleeping with the captain, can you?Pilot's wifehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11151052549934657376noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-44649659182294187552017-01-23T10:50:59.641-05:002017-01-23T10:50:59.641-05:00Theresa,
You had a setback, inflamed by a bit of t...Theresa,<br />You had a setback, inflamed by a bit of tequila. That's what it was. It doesn't put you back at square one. It's a chance to revisit some things. It's a chance for the two of you to reconfirm that you're on the same team. She's the enemy, not each other. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-13190993712723089512017-01-23T10:48:51.415-05:002017-01-23T10:48:51.415-05:00Browneyedgirl, I don't doubt that he loved how...Browneyedgirl, I don't doubt that he loved how she made him feel. He loved feeling valued by her because he doesn't know how to value himself. He loved feeling wanted by her because he doesn't know how to want himself. You expected a partner. He wanted a distorted mirror that only reflected back to him what he wanted to see. Not his failures, not his rejections, not his inability to emotionally show up. And she was that mirror. What's not to love about that, right? But it's not real. With work, he'll eventually get that. With work, he'll realize that he was seeking out a reflection of himself more than he valued HER. Her value lay in her desire to please him. That's a fantasy. You were/are reality. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.com