tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post6516784499622982550..comments2024-03-28T19:25:37.448-04:00Comments on Betrayed Wives' Club: How-to Apologize for Breaking Your Wife's Heart: A guide for husbandsEllehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comBlogger54125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-47279018766466164502023-08-18T23:11:45.327-04:002023-08-18T23:11:45.327-04:00My worry is that my husband who is 12 years older ...My worry is that my husband who is 12 years older will be in a hospital or nursing home and will start to act out with the staff. I figure by the time I can't keep the secret he may be gone.Betrayed2/11noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-59670896664356683552020-05-28T16:43:48.778-04:002020-05-28T16:43:48.778-04:00Your wisdom always rings true Elle. ThanksYour wisdom always rings true Elle. ThanksHilarie Barryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13819503542046212625noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-20556748939287992722019-06-14T09:09:51.969-04:002019-06-14T09:09:51.969-04:00I had an unmarried friend (she was originally my h...I had an unmarried friend (she was originally my husband's friend from college) who was forever telling me how "lucky" I was. Ugh. Lucky? If she only knew... I was say that line to her. That marriage was tough.<br />It sounds like part of the issue with you is this disconnect -- that you feel like something of a fraud. But think of it this way. You have NO idea what's going on in other people's marriages. There could be abuse, there could be kink, there could be swinging, there could be boredom, there could be contempt. None of us ever really knows what's going on beneath the surface in another person's marriage. What's going on in yours is private. It doesn't have to be secret but it is private. You get to choose who knows. I don't know if you've confided in anyone, but that might help you. A few close friends know what I went through -- plenty of other friends do not. <br />This is your life, Unknown. You're not a boat being tossed on waves. You can row. You can throw up a sail and pick a direction. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12947780870490110663noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-66553964858199776602019-06-13T21:38:58.242-04:002019-06-13T21:38:58.242-04:00Good line. I usually come up with that kind of lin...Good line. I usually come up with that kind of line but the wounds are just to deep I guess. I don't kniw how you made it 10 years. Weekly I just want to give up. Not that I have found out anything new just the whole sorted mess seems impossible. We were that crazy fun always got along couple and now everybody else thinks I am so lucky because of how great he treats me. I could screamHopefulhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07063776707595635157noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-49173255284407779252019-06-13T18:05:16.830-04:002019-06-13T18:05:16.830-04:00Unknown,
It might be a good idea to create a plan,...Unknown,<br />It might be a good idea to create a plan, just in case somebody does say something. I practiced saying "Any marriage that has lasted this long has gone through a whole lot of ups and downs", which was the absolute truth and meant that I didn't have to feel like a fraud. People could extrapolate whatever they wanted from a comment like that.<br />And yes, please plan something to celebrate YOU on that day. You deserve to remind yourself that you have been an incredible wife. Do something nice for yourself with absolutely no expectations of anyone else doing anything. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12947780870490110663noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-81791959956114431542019-06-13T15:48:36.785-04:002019-06-13T15:48:36.785-04:00Thank you Ella for such a well written piece. I ha...Thank you Ella for such a well written piece. I had my H read as well. He is doing all of it but falls down on the Often part. And our talks always end in my head with 'if your not lying' In 10 days I will have been Married for 40 yrs. Never thought I would be Sad and terrified. I am terrified because a lot of ppl know our milstone and I am scared someone will say something and I will fall apart. OR worse will blab everything because it causes me so much stress to keep this vile secret of his. 4 yrs since Dday and it is like it happened yesterday. Not one word about this 40th has been said by me or him. Its like its not coming or even there. It hurts my heart that this means so little to him. Has anyone actually celebrated an anniversary after finding out your marriage is a lie? A few times this month I thought that on that day I will have a drink and toast Myself for my 40th anniversary of being a faithful wife? The last happy Anniversay was our 36th. Oh the plans we made! Awaiting in put.<br /> Hopefulhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07063776707595635157noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-53072037343649613652017-05-09T05:33:42.373-04:002017-05-09T05:33:42.373-04:00It is always a sad thing to find yourself in such ...It is always a sad thing to find yourself in such a spot as the investigator with your own partner because I was in this situation some months back,yet I didn't get him becuse he's a smart husband. A friend introduced me to this hacker cybernnectic at gmail.com his work is amazing. I was able to read my husband chats with his mistress and calls.Then I was able to say it to his face that he's cheating on me. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-75382916798630972722017-05-03T09:55:39.480-04:002017-05-03T09:55:39.480-04:00Hi Corrie,
I am so sorry you too have been betra...Hi Corrie, <br /><br />I am so sorry you too have been betrayed but glad you found this site for support. I am just 6 mos. post Dday (but betrayal happened a decade ago). <br /><br />I am certainly not qualified to give advice, but I can share my story with you. My H & I have had so many ups & downs since Dday - the ups: he has done just about everything Elle recommends on this particular post "How to Apologize for Breaking Your Wife's Heart". The downs: early-on he was a classic gas-lighter and he broke some important promises (pot, porn, employment). The two things that have helped us the most are: 1) we went to Retrouvialle and, 2) we each go to IC and we also go to MC together. <br /><br />Even with all that I have retained an attorney and I struggle to make up my mind if I want to stay in this marriage. But I do know with out both counseling + Retrouvialle there would be a 99% chance our marriage would not survive. With them we at least have a 50/50 chance. So I guess that is my advice: IC + MC and look into additional support through some type of retreat for broken marriages and/or a proven faith-based program (not all of them have high success rates and some tell you that you have to forgive sooner than you are ready to, etc). <br /><br />Keep posting!browneyedgirlnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-62859301095869485562017-05-02T21:13:10.692-04:002017-05-02T21:13:10.692-04:00Corrie McMutry
You posted in just the right way an...Corrie McMutry<br />You posted in just the right way and place and I'm so sorry you have the same need to be here! It sounds like he may be blame shifting if he thinks it's you that needs to be changing what he didn't like about your marriage! I owned my mistakes in our marriage but I sure as hell don't accept that I caused him to go have an affair! I was just as lonely as he was during that time but I held on to my beliefs in myself! My h has changed so much in these last two plus years! It sounds like your h just wants his comfortable friendship that in my opinion he's not showing that he truly values! I'm hoping you are in therapy and if not that you can get some and help him realize that he needs therapy too! Sending you hugs this is not an easy road to waddle down!Theresahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11767712425596090138noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-37064013880457938082017-05-02T17:43:10.891-04:002017-05-02T17:43:10.891-04:00Hi Corrie, welcome to the club none of us want to ...Hi Corrie, welcome to the club none of us want to be in. Sorry for what your going through your not alone on this one I too find my h isn't remorseful nor willing to leave so like you I sit and wait for change of some kind. My h hasn't said he loved me since d day 2 and finds it difficult to accept I still love him. It's selfish and destructive behaviour, like they want to continue licking their wounds without doing the hard work of why they did what they did so they are not in that position again. So you see Corrie this is not unusual or uncommon I believe men who betray have very similar tendencies from much reading and coming here daily I find myself nodding, agreeing frequently with what other bw write.. there has to be a balance doesn't their I'm not sure I'd be convinced if my h was over the top with me either because that just isn't him..If anything Corrie I hope I've been able to reassure you that your not alone in your situation.. keep posting and take care of yourself xxAnonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14621994625215389891noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-71005025361050561592017-05-01T18:38:57.927-04:002017-05-01T18:38:57.927-04:00I don't know where to write this. Reading this...I don't know where to write this. Reading this post I sent it to my husband too. I think he thinks he's doing this stuff but I don't think he is. The biggest for me besides waiting for an apology (yes he has not apologized except for hurting me) is telling him I need to feel wanted and loved and all he does is give me hugs and come over to hang out (I've left). He doesn't say he loves me. We haven't had sex or any indication of it from him in a year and a half (he was doing it with someone else, but now norhing). He seems to think I need to work on things that bothered him in our marriage and he needs to work on communication, then we'll address the affair. He says he's working on building our friendship again which is all great and we have fun but am I crazy? I want a husband not a friend and he says he wants that too.<br />So i guess my point here is, how do I know for myself that he's just not into it? It seems like everyone else in this boat is either remorseful or gone, my hubby is neither.<br />I don't know if I posted right or not if not ignore me. I'm just at a loss. I swing from this is great to forget him I'm done, back to but I love him give it time.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00297302513626829066noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-37599915602438378692017-04-30T15:35:34.100-04:002017-04-30T15:35:34.100-04:00Elle
Update to this post is that today I asked my...Elle <br />Update to this post is that today I asked my h if he read the link I sent and he said yes at least two if not three times to make sure he understood it all. And it led us into a very interesting and matter of fact discussion as to understanding that the ow was/is emotionally damaged and likely always will be. I felt like some of those hostile feelings just melted away and this gave me even more hope for rebuilding our better marriage! I'm fairly certain I finally understand where my h was emotionally when the affair began, how much fear he had as she was threatening to expose him the last year of their affair and how he feels now that we've finally had our first full year without her constant interference. Thanks again for not only giving us as wives living through betrayal insight, but also giving our h good sound suggestions to enable them to meet some of our needs!Theresahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11767712425596090138noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-16358775958780634632017-04-28T13:56:34.322-04:002017-04-28T13:56:34.322-04:00Hi Periwinkle, Has your H considered sex addiction...Hi Periwinkle, Has your H considered sex addiction or love addiction groups. My H, who also struggles with many of the same behaviors as your, finds them very helpful and I think they have helped him own up to his shortcomings.MBShttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10168863416317700184noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-21940929320829970772017-04-26T21:35:43.336-04:002017-04-26T21:35:43.336-04:00Periwinkle I can relate and even when I think it s...Periwinkle I can relate and even when I think it seems good at times he still wants more and I wonder sexually can we be enough satisfy each other or has his is fantasy sex with no limits and real responsibility warped him? Hummmmm I feel you on this.Woundednoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-67554583604382917882017-04-25T17:23:36.311-04:002017-04-25T17:23:36.311-04:00BG
My husband is also a lot like yours he was addi...BG<br />My husband is also a lot like yours he was addicted to porn and prostitutes. My husband is also a very successful man and people look at him as a man with a lot of integrity. So it was very difficult for me to listen to him in therapy talking about his demons telling him he was a worthless piece of shit I couldn't understand it because that's not what I saw in my husband. Our therapist dug deep into his childhood during our sessions and it helped me realize why he was so tormented in his mind. But I couldn't understand the decisions that he made and needing to escape pain why couldn't he reach out to me and talk to me. Our therapist helped me understand he didn't want me to see his true self or the true self that he thought he was. I remember one time in therapy I just looked at them like what the hell are you guys talking about I don't get any of this, and my husband looked at me and said you don't want to understand it. The therapist helped me realize this is not logical thinking and it's hard to understand it because we are trying to think of it logically and we just can't because it's insane. That was a very hard thing for me to except but once I did realize that what my husband did had nothing to do with me it was him escaping pain from himself everything he did was not logical at all. When I have an off day I just start reading notes that I've made of everything that I've read about depression and addiction it helps me go back to realize it just isn't logical thinking! Another thing that has helped me is I found a picture of my husband when he was three years old with the sad puppy dog eyes. I put this picture by my bathroom sink and every time I look at it it just makes me want to hug that little boy and make him feel loved, because he was raised by two cold hearted non loving parents that helped create these horrible demons. Hiking Girlnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-77754308590180260432017-04-25T16:48:21.484-04:002017-04-25T16:48:21.484-04:00You're right, Elle. And I know there are wives...You're right, Elle. And I know there are wives who feel neglected by their husbands and might not understand what I was trying inartfully to explain. But we always had an adventurous sex life and the frequency of 2-3x/week seemed better than average to me, but he never seemed satisfied. A lot of it is his neurochemistry of the ADHD, in other words sex was, in part, self-medication. Periwinklehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12650541534444179504noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-82040870125333798382017-04-25T11:41:16.850-04:002017-04-25T11:41:16.850-04:00Amen for that!
Amen for that!<br />Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-25253118938245389902017-04-25T11:40:56.900-04:002017-04-25T11:40:56.900-04:00Guys who cheat come in all shapes and sizes. But t...Guys who cheat come in all shapes and sizes. But the one thing they have in common is that their cheating is about their own issues, not ours. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-2979320967894613182017-04-25T11:38:53.801-04:002017-04-25T11:38:53.801-04:00I agree with everything you said, Anonymous. I hop...I agree with everything you said, Anonymous. I hope Kiwichick takes steps to protect herself financially and support herself emotionally. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-50839107471166255592017-04-25T11:37:23.112-04:002017-04-25T11:37:23.112-04:00That was helpful for me too -- to really recognize...That was helpful for me too -- to really recognize that what we perceive as sexy and interesting and fun was actually sleazy and shame-filled. Coming to terms with it all can be really hard for these guys. I know once my husband had to face it, he felt horrible for how he'd treated this other women. He said to me that he hadn't really thought of them as fully human. They were blow-up dolls to him. And that made him feel truly horrible. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-28909256641405405312017-04-25T11:35:18.383-04:002017-04-25T11:35:18.383-04:00BG, I long ago stopped trying to "understand&...BG, I long ago stopped trying to "understand" how my husband did what he did. The closest I got was that, if I had lived his life, I too might have responded like he did. Can't quite imagine it but...who knows, right? I've accepted that none of us really knows the choices we might make if we were to walk in another's shoes. That's enough for me. I can accept that he did what he did and that it was about him, not me. And watching what he's done to life differently has been good for me to see. Like watching an addict chose sobriety. Every single day. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-56119497539541626332017-04-25T11:32:01.056-04:002017-04-25T11:32:01.056-04:00H'mmm...it's interesting that I find talki...H'mmm...it's interesting that I find talking about this stuff makes me feel closer to my husband (and therefore more interested in intimacy) and for him, it kills his libido. Brings up too much shame/guilt. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-31298383230793957212017-04-25T11:16:14.825-04:002017-04-25T11:16:14.825-04:00This one can be really tricky. The CH doesn't ...This one can be really tricky. The CH doesn't always necessarily neglect his wife, or not flirt with, or romance his wife. I never suspected my husband's affair largely because his behavior toward me didn't change. <br /><br />My husband always wanted to have sex, always wanted to sext, always wanted the lingerie, etc. The mature relationship did not fill his needs. He liked living in the infatuation phase of a relationship, and I enjoyed the comfort and stability of the mature relationship. <br /><br />Looking back I think we just weren't fulfilling each other's expectations. After the kids came he still wanted the same level of attention on himself, and I wanted a partner who was "in the trenches" with me an infatuated with parenthood. <br /><br />His level of need for that kind of attention started to become a pressure to me. I'm. Or really given to effusiveness, and he wanted effusive. Every email or text or phone call or FaceTime he wanted what he called "flirting", but it was really sexuality that he craved. I really can only do that for a bit, and not very well at all on demand. I really don't want to do a striptease via FaceTime when I'm calling my husband from overseas. I don't want to give him a 900 number script reading over the phone so he can get off. It was becoming exhausting to me and he felt rejected every single time. And I felt that the only expression of love that mattered or got through to him was sex. And then he would get so consumed with needing that expression from me that he would just get single-tracked on that until we had sex or I did something just for him, to get past it and get him to be "right" again. Whether or not we were in an appropriate place for it, whether or not we had actual other responsibilities to take care of in that moment. <br /><br />It exhausts me really. I want to go on a car ride and if we hold hands, great, or if I have my hand on his knee, great. He want to go on a car ride and should the kids fall asleep in the back seat he wants me to reach over and give him a hand job. Not once, but he'd be happy if every car ride to everywhere included a hand job. I'm just not that sex-focused, nor do I need it as often or as intensely as he does. He always blamed that on me, never took a moment to reflect that maybe we're just at different places on a libido spectrum. Nope, in his mind, he's completely normal and I had fallen off the chart, despite my having tried to discuss the possibility that his ADHD might be a factor. Instead of hearing me and entertaining the possibility that it wasn't "just me", he ends up getting involved in an affair, and even after that, it still took me and the MC several months to get him to agree that it might be him. <br /><br />I mentioned previously that his reaction to being discovered was to buy $400 worth of sex toys (keep in mind he's not working right now), he also went to GNC and bought women's libido supplements for me. After his affair was discovered. Then when he finally gets around to accepting the theory that it's him and his ADHD, and other things, he wonders why I'm mad. He says "you're just mad because it took me so long to see you were right". To which I say no, I'm mad because you wouldn't even entertain the notion, and because of it you went and had an affair possibly destroying our whole life together, not to mention our kids' lives, even after that you STILL couldn't see that you had a problem. It took almost another year for him to engage on that point. <br /><br />Just offering that as another experience. A CH doesn't always necessarily neglect the marriage, but believes that he is being neglected in the marriage, whether it's true or not. <br /><br /><br />Periwinklehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12650541534444179504noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-10832514008276860782017-04-25T07:37:40.051-04:002017-04-25T07:37:40.051-04:00Elle
I too wonder how my h works through his own ...Elle <br />I too wonder how my h works through his own triggers because he's a classic avoider of confrontation of any kind! One of the reasons his affair took so long to completely end! He avoided her confrontation as well! I sent him this article to read and waited to see if he would mention that he read it and just like I thought it was not mentioned by him or me. I sent a text explaining how I know that he's doing or has done most of these suggestions already but I thought it could lead to a productive discussion of how far we've come as a couple. Well truth is, a huge tree limb had fallen into the flower bed and he had to spend an hour cleaning it off while I prepped dinner so there wasn't really time for an in depth discussion but curiously, he was a bit impotent at the end of the night when he was attempting to make love. He's had issues with impotence before but I can't help thinking that he read the article and it was on his mind and he triggered! I'm hoping we can discuss it together tonight. Anyone else having issues with this type of discussion interfering with sex life?Theresahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11767712425596090138noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-68655184717301210282017-04-25T04:04:43.755-04:002017-04-25T04:04:43.755-04:00Too right. I feel like my h's attentions to me...Too right. I feel like my h's attentions to me are just little crumbs from the type of bread I don't even like. It is clear that the OW was getting the equivalent of gourmet pastries...Selkienoreply@blogger.com