tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post7250501059863173535..comments2024-03-28T19:25:37.448-04:00Comments on Betrayed Wives' Club: What Fear Has Betrayal Awakened in You?Ellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comBlogger33125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-78959357629003064782015-09-22T09:36:02.364-04:002015-09-22T09:36:02.364-04:00I am not familar with brown readings ... i should ...I am not familar with brown readings ... i should check into that. Thx youWoundednoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-49429397546759349402015-09-21T15:20:36.610-04:002015-09-21T15:20:36.610-04:00Walking can be a HUGE help. Self-help books can be...Walking can be a HUGE help. Self-help books can be great -- have you read any Brené Brown? And yes, sparkly nail polish can remind us, each time we look at our fingers, that we are sparkly and lovely too. <br />And yes, it can be so hard when no-one knows. We need each other. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-83065518496805076532015-09-21T14:05:52.816-04:002015-09-21T14:05:52.816-04:00Previously i did years of therapy for my anxiety. ...Previously i did years of therapy for my anxiety. ... for the affair no ... not that my H would be opposed for me solo or together. I did reach out to my old therapist who is now 1.5hr away and not feasible to see really. .. she offered phone counseling which ive done b4 just nit same as going. I called some refferals but i havent pulled trigge . I called a wkend retreat even ouch 5k! I do realize i need to take care of me ... honestly $ childcare just time in general is hard to come by ... so far ive tried to revist past coping skills from therapy. Self help books this awesome blog and sunshine on my face. Walking helps. My H now being open talking has done wonders .... i do fear a bit when winter sets in and more confinded to inside if it will be harder to cope? Nothings like the first 4 weeks pure hell and thats an understatment. I did buy some new nail polish with sparkles. .. ahhh the little things. Thx for the response. Its hard when noone knows..... Woundednoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-80015859014371858192015-09-21T13:01:14.470-04:002015-09-21T13:01:14.470-04:00You are right, there is no turning back the clock....You are right, there is no turning back the clock. And on good days, I'm glad I've chosen to stay. Your site has helped me to see that I'm not a wimp or an idiot for staying. The thoughts of running away have lessened a lot as time has gone by. And you're right, starting over is a possibility. I do know that. I think just knowing that has made it easier to live with staying, because I feel like it is a choice, not a trap. I think deciding to stay is like forgiveness, it's a choice I keep making over and over, not one I've made once and it's done.<br /><br />Thanks for giving me a place to vent my thoughts. They feel like they have less power over me once I get them out. I cried while I wrote my previous comment, but I felt so much better after I did. The "what ifs" are slowly lessening, along with the mind movies and triggers.Geenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-62311739864983135412015-09-21T12:54:18.416-04:002015-09-21T12:54:18.416-04:00I'm so so sorry for the pain that you're i...I'm so so sorry for the pain that you're in watching your daughter self-destruct. And I hope she will get help. Sending you strength and prayers and hope that you can be strong for yourselves and her. Teenagers are a handful no matter what the circumstances. But this is certainly more serious than most.<br />Please keep us posted. And perhaps she would benefit from some of these posts? Or any of Brené Brown's work? She's internalized some misguided belief that her father's affair was about anything other than his own failing. And that is has anything to do with his love for her. He's human. Humans screw up. Just as she's no less loved behaving as she's behaving, she doesn't need to love her father less for messing up. Hurt people hurt people.Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-18678995189544124922015-09-21T12:49:43.773-04:002015-09-21T12:49:43.773-04:00I recently reached out to two friends who had, for...I recently reached out to two friends who had, for reasons I don't understand, blown me off. I ran into one of them and she suggested coffee so I followed up. I reached out to another when I heard, through mutual friends, that she was having trouble with her daughter, who's the same age as mine. The days passed and I heard nothing.<br />And this is where I realized just how far I've come: It doesn't bother me in the least. I completely let go of the outcome. If they want to call me, great. If they don't, IT'S NOT ABOUT ME, IT'S ABOUT THEM. It's their choice and says nothing about my own lovability. That's huge for me.<br />And, of course, when I realized that I have no investment in the outcome, my phone rings. <br />Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-44917379152833861722015-09-21T12:46:15.273-04:002015-09-21T12:46:15.273-04:00Wounded,
Five months out is still so raw. Give you...Wounded,<br />Five months out is still so raw. Give yourself some time to keep healing. Stay focussed on you. It sounds as if you need to learn some self-care and how to ask for help instead of waiting for someone to notice. <br />A child can be a wonderful thing but under circumstances in which nobody feels pressured. <br />Keep sharing here and you'll slowly work through the pain. Are you in counselling? Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-24779450342710819542015-09-21T12:43:26.516-04:002015-09-21T12:43:26.516-04:00Gee,
It can be so hard to let go of the "what...Gee,<br />It can be so hard to let go of the "what ifs". What if you'd stayed home the night you met him. What if you'd said 'no' to a date. We can make ourselves crazy. I tend to do that sort of thing when I see a horrible car accident at an area I often drive. What if I hadn't run back into the house to get my keys? What if.... what if...what if...<br />You made the choices you did. There's no turning back the clock. But you do get to determine where you go now. An eight-year-old can survive divorce. Lots do. A bigger predictor of how he survives is how respectful his parents remain with each other. A kid in a toxic marriage is harmed more than a kid in an amicable divorce. <br />However, I completely understand your resistance to that. But please don't think it's not a possibility. I think sometimes, because our options all seem to stink, we think we have none. There's no easy way out of this...but that doesn't mean there isn't a way that's better for us than another.<br />However, sometimes it really does come down to making peace with the choice we've made. Every person in the world could be living a completely different life depending on so many decisions of so many people. That we're here at all is a total confluence of an infinite number of things. <br />Start here now. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-10803087081145328252015-09-21T11:37:09.166-04:002015-09-21T11:37:09.166-04:00The fear that we're not loveable.... 4 years a...The fear that we're not loveable.... 4 years ago was d day for me and 2 years for our daughter, I managed that long to keep it from her. I wish I could issue this warning to all the betrayers, I wish I had a globe to show you the destruction. After therapy myself and managing to get past hysterical bonding, PTSD, low self esteem, anger, and all the other torture it brings up, we are now suffering with our daughter. After the evening she found out about her wonderful daddy, she became pale and listless, we had decided to stay together and she had found out by default, we sat her down together and gave her the talk that adults make mistakes; it was over years ago; we were staying together not just for her but as a couple. She needed counselling straight away which was arranged but pretty hopeless. To say we had a bright daughter with a wonderful future ahead of her sounds smug, but she did have. ( she was 16 at the time) it's now 2 years and her destruction is devastating. Dropped out of High School, took drugs, gets drunk, slept around, lied, changed her whole appearance, and is a shadow of her former self. She says that her life is ruined, she feels betrayed, she wants to act and be like the woman he went with, she said she wants to hurt him so bad and become the vermin that she was. To say I haven't had a full 24hrs peace without something kicking off is an understatement. My husband has become a shadow of the man he was, he cries for what he has done to both of us, but it is killing him slowly seeing the destruction of his daughter. We have now found out she has contracted an STD, she is not bothered, telling me its only what her father could have done to me having unprotected sex. She had never had a boyfriend until after she found out about his affair. We have tried to get her to see a psychiatrist but she refuses. I'm at a loss, but this post resonated with me especially after our daughter asked, " were we not good enough!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-31493962445677435542015-09-21T10:44:27.077-04:002015-09-21T10:44:27.077-04:00I'm reading Rising Strong right now too. I lov...I'm reading Rising Strong right now too. I love Brené Brown. She has such a great way of making our motivations so clear to us...so we can then change course.<br />And Val, I've been having a helluva time watching my daughter navigate her own heartbreak. But I'm aware that I'm experiencing it (admittedly by association) through the lens of my own trauma. My daughter is disappointed...but she's not crippled by it. She's sad, which is perfectly normal. And each day, she seems a little less sad. It's teaching her important things -- the value of friends, the importance of exercise, the beauty of nature to help us heal. It's quite amazing, actually, to watch her instinctively reach for healthy ways to cope whereas my own coping mechanisms, thanks to a crazy family, were less healthy: I pushed down my feelings, I drank too much, I threw myself immediately into another relationship...ANY relationship. <br />I hope your daughter, knowing she has your support and love, will respond similarly. And I hope you can work through some more of your own pain, recognizing it as yours alone.<br />And..."muster the smallest seeds of hope and sew them into the fabric of our days, nurtured by our own voices and the truth". Beautiful. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-53454406641200093342015-09-21T10:06:23.046-04:002015-09-21T10:06:23.046-04:00Interestingly, I was just thinking about my post. ...Interestingly, I was just thinking about my post. I believe the affair also strengthened my new phone belief in my lovability, if you will. And that came about when I shared with my friends and family the great pain I was going through… And I witnessed their tremendous support. The support and love I received from them on a daily basis, and still do, says to me loud and clear you are lovable you are worth it and we will always be here for you. Who are these people, in particular? My mother… Two of my sisters… A dear friend of mine from fifth grade, whose husband had an affair on her about five years ago… For lady friends who live in my area, who talk to me or are with me on a moments notice as need be. And there are a few others throughout the country, members of his own family included, who have given me telephone support and have sent me cards. How can I not feel loved? And in my moments of greatest strength… I can turn to myself for the support and love that I need ... that, my friends, is something I am still working on. Have a lovely day and know that you are loved :-)Melissahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15625911085419338023noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-76099115477504245422015-09-21T10:00:17.320-04:002015-09-21T10:00:17.320-04:00Melissa chiming in ... I had individual counseling...Melissa chiming in ... I had individual counseling prior to D day to deal with some of my own anxieties and with this great counselor I came to learn a few things. One I was a perfectionist or should I say am a perfectionist in order to get the attention from my parents ... As there were so damned many kids LOL. Even with being a perfectionist… I felt unloved, and perhaps unlovable. (There are many reasons behind this which I will not go into all of them here.). Prior to D day I had learned, again through IC, that in fact I am lovable, even if I am not perfect. So, I was very fortunate to have gotten to that place. I had also unfortunately, developed a fear of abandonment in my childhood… I believe because my brothers and sisters, who were, or should I say felt like they were absolutely, my parents… Left me one by one by one by one as I was a small child when they left home. So, what childhood fears were awoken? Well, all of them, of course. Again, with the counseling I had off and on for years, fortunately, even though I felt unloved and perhaps unlovable by my husband upon learning of his affair… I recognize that there are and will always be many people who love me - and perhaps most importantly, I love me. I am exceedingly lovable! And for that reason… I did not need to be perfect. Of course, there is no such thing as perfection. The fear of abandonment? As many of you know I was in the depths of that from the moment I found out about the affair but then again especially when we separated. Where do we stand now? I actually feel that this affair, our subsequent separation and my husband's vacillation with whether not he wants to stay in the marriage has actually strengthened my resolve and my trust in myself… And has therefore weakened my fear of abandonment. Is it still there? Absolutely. Yet, I know now, deep in my heart and soul, that I will be absolutely fine, alone. In fact, I recognize that not only will I be fine, I know that I will thrive.<br />Love and light to my beautiful friends :-)Melissahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15625911085419338023noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-21452061796496005752015-09-20T23:18:54.275-04:002015-09-20T23:18:54.275-04:00MBS, I bought Rising a Strong last weekend. I had...MBS, I bought Rising a Strong last weekend. I had not started to read it yet, but I listened to the podcast yesterday. Wow. So much of it hit home. Hearing her describe someone who is not living wholeheartedly was like hearing a description of me. My husband's affair seems to have brought to the surface a lot of shame, lack of self worth, etc... I'm now painfully aware of these issues I have had despite the fact that I outwardly seemed to have it all together. I'm anxious to start the book. Dandelionnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-67001768894151462932015-09-20T19:55:44.564-04:002015-09-20T19:55:44.564-04:00Ps struggling a bit too ... we had always wanted t...Ps struggling a bit too ... we had always wanted to have another child i put it off a bit then we were discussing again a few months before dday. ... NOW ... he still wants one ... i just dont know being so wrapped up in baby # 1 and all this happening makes me fearful plus with all the work from healing trying too from this seems like alot of stress or could be ... im also sad a bit as i feel the option was pulled out from under me. Dont get ne wrong there were other concerns the norm though ... money ... care ... etc. My clocks ticking and being im so conflicted not bcuz of him but becuz i have to consider me <br />.. im not gonna say no never but right now not deciding ... sad some .. overthinking .... is what it is ... just venting seem to fit the question. Woundednoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-66038904487559372632015-09-20T18:15:32.494-04:002015-09-20T18:15:32.494-04:00Ps i struggled w anxiety for some time once i got ...Ps i struggled w anxiety for some time once i got married it subsided mostly ... its resurfacing im trying keep at bay practice old ways etc. Maintain Woundednoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-11496990863207262302015-09-20T17:49:03.795-04:002015-09-20T17:49:03.795-04:00I dont feel as unloved as given up on even used to...I dont feel as unloved as given up on even used to an extent. I havent been a perfect wife but a damn good one. Weve had struggles in marriage with finance and health, who doesn't, my H always taken really good care of us and all combined allowed me to become very lenient with him going out relaxing with the boys sports events etc who knew he was actually having an affair. .. blind trust ... how i miss that some days. I had new baby. New job. Daily stress. We talked doesnt excuse it but he was feeling unattended too and felt better for me to have full focus on baby then bother me. Sighhh. I moved alot as a child never had the stability and structure one esp a child deserves. Devil advocate im very go get and self doing bcuz of this. Too blk and white and have trouble asking for help too. My H was the one person besides myself i could finally depend on ... who wouldnt let me down. I created a pedestal so high for him youd need the tallest ladder to sit down. Dday struck me to the core.. u gave up on me! My happiest times w my baby were his downest so it seems. Some had to do w my over doing w baby me and my mom dont have a close relationship im so fearful of that being me and her. My H struggles greatly w the lost in trust but tells me it wasnt me he was wrong weak and selfish his words. I trust him with kids daily to dos but when he says ill be here there etc for personal or work my inner voice. .. is ge there? I know i cant control him and i do see his efforts in trying to be open and heal us. I hope im just wounded and not broken we r almost 5 mo. I do see marginal improvement it still hurts though and i do think about it daily but not as obsessivly most days. Woundednoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-44043936208977205402015-09-20T17:40:07.506-04:002015-09-20T17:40:07.506-04:00I fear I gave up my youth for nothing. I married y...I fear I gave up my youth for nothing. I married young (I was 20). I gave up living on my own, just hanging out with friends, maybe going out dancing and just being young and carefree. I gave up dating around. My husband was my first serious boyfriend. He was the only man I ever even kissed, and my only sexual partner. He was 25 when we married, he'd already got to experience all that--the partying, the dating, the independence. He was ready to settle down, or so he said.<br /><br />I never regretted any of that until he betrayed me. I thought I'd gotten a good bargain. I thought I got one of the good men. My abusive parents stole my childhood, and I gave up my young adulthood to get married. It was my fresh start in life, or so I thought. I thought it was what I wanted. I didn't have any big career dreams, I just wanted to make a happy home.<br /><br />Now I worry that I made the wrong choice. It sounds cliché, but I thought we had a great marriage right up until he told me what he'd done. Sure, we weren't quite as intimate as I might have liked, and we rarely had sex, but sex isn't everything in life, right? After all, the sex we did have was good. Plus my husband is a great father to our son, helps out around the house, is always grateful for all that I do (like making dinner), and we rarely fought, so what more could I ask for? Plus I figured since he wasn't that interested in sex (I always had to initiate, and most of the time he turned me down), I'd never have to worry he'd cheat on me. Ha!!! I was so naïve.<br /><br />Every time I was unhappy or felt unfulfilled, I consoled myself that the price I'd paid was worth it. Now I can't do that anymore. They say all we can to is to learn from our mistakes. But what can I learn from this? It's not like I can go back and change things, it's not like I'm going to get another life to live. All I can do is to try to make the best of where I am now. I'm trying not to get torn up with regrets, but it's so hard. I love my husband, but so many days I regret that I ever met him.<br /><br />He says he doesn't want to hold me back. That if I want to leave and try to recapture my lost young adulthood, I am free to do so. Except I'm not. We have an eight-year-old. I can't just take off to party. Our son doesn't deserve to pay that price. I may only be 33 years old, but I don't want to start all over. Not only would I doubt I'd want to ever be vulnerable with anyone else, but I still love my husband and think there's something worth saving. Well, most days, anyways.<br /><br />I'm working hard to let this go, because I know I can't go back, only forward. I want to make my marriage work, I just don't know how to stop regretting that I tied myself down so young. That scares me.Geenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-60954780248648918702015-09-20T14:23:47.266-04:002015-09-20T14:23:47.266-04:00Hurt me with the truth dont protect me with a lie....Hurt me with the truth dont protect me with a lie. .. hurts like hell but well prefer it ... the lies, deceit ... maybe worse then sharing intimate times and money on someone other then me or perhaps it would be a flash photo finish as they both cut deep.Woundednoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-87975081869534422422015-09-20T14:16:36.849-04:002015-09-20T14:16:36.849-04:00Yeah, hearts and brains don't always view the ...Yeah, hearts and brains don't always view the world from the same vantage point.<br />And humiliation is about shame. And shame runs so incredibly deep. It's about our sense of worth. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-38044942469401261732015-09-20T14:15:07.954-04:002015-09-20T14:15:07.954-04:00Maybe that hard-earned money will buy you the free...Maybe that hard-earned money will buy you the freedom to live the rest of your life from beneath this dark cloud. That's money well-spent, if you ask me!Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-21100587389130611032015-09-20T14:14:22.558-04:002015-09-20T14:14:22.558-04:00Merilee,
That's exactly what we do. We go back...Merilee,<br />That's exactly what we do. We go back and quickly address those old wounds before they start running the show. I sometimes think it's like someone with an old injury who can predict the weather because they get that old ache. We can become aware of that ache...and know exactly what it is.<br />So glad this post struck home.Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-59794326453320402822015-09-20T14:12:02.390-04:002015-09-20T14:12:02.390-04:00Pamela,
Ask those tough questions. Why are you sti...Pamela,<br />Ask those tough questions. Why are you still there. You can do nothing about what's happened. But until you're taking your last breath, you can absolutely do something about where you go from here. <br />Give yourself the credit you deserve. Respect your loyalty. Respect your own integrity. And then respect your choice, whatever that choice is, about what's next for you.Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-16976545750516014262015-09-20T14:08:21.714-04:002015-09-20T14:08:21.714-04:00Merilee Lane
Yes to what you have said! The pain w...Merilee Lane<br />Yes to what you have said! The pain we feel takes us back to the first pain we learned how to heal from! I am still bringing my tools to the front of my brain in my attempts to build a better marriage and help me cope with my mother!! Ladies like you give me hope!Theresahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11767712425596090138noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-48250966873049232502015-09-20T13:37:49.499-04:002015-09-20T13:37:49.499-04:00Steam,
Reading this brought tears to my eyes. I&...Steam,<br /><br />Reading this brought tears to my eyes. I'm so sorry you carry this pain in your heart. Sending love and prayers that you can someday let it all go and be free. xoxoMerilee Lanehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16174445990713276239noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-16921483359450334422015-09-20T13:09:48.395-04:002015-09-20T13:09:48.395-04:00I didnt feel as unloved as given up on even used a...I didnt feel as unloved as given up on even used at a point and extermelly hurt ... struck to core. I moved alot in my childhood and didnt have the stability or structure a child deserves my young mother i learned over time had alot of growing to do and in my adult years ive accepted some peoples good is their best. My grandparents were my rock when they passed i struggled with anxiety. .. to the devils advocate. .. i am because of this a go getter ver self motivated and also have trouble asking for help ... take on to much. Inside a girl who just wants xmas at the same house to mean something to my child, pleasure in simple things and above all a sense of secuirty. My H was that finally someone i could depend on ... reach out to and who wouldnt leave me or let me down. His pedestal so high in my eyes. that true he didnt leave me but had a long term affair that was occasional for years and hot/heavy for 9mo+ before i found out. Ill admit new mom new job grandparents dying i was self consumed and overly engaged w my child striving for a bond and better closness then i have w my own mother. I felt used as we have had in our marriage many financial changes and health issues so i tended to pick up slack or became very lenient w my H going out thinking he does so much for us he needs a break ... i though his break was bars sports and boytime not an affair. Ive told him all this ... he says it wasnt me but him he felt unloved and thought better to handke his needs and let me be wrapped up in baby. Understandably maybe but not justifiable. He agrees. We spoke of trust that bothers him the most i stated ive lost that blind eye ... i trust him w children to dos etc but if he were to go here there causal or for work my trust in him actually being there. Hummmm i wonder but i also know he is responsible for himself i cant lock him away forever and i do see he is trying. Crazy cause for most part hes been a wonderful husband ... his fuck up sucks and i hope we get through this. Im very blk white he fears i wont be able to forgive him.... wounded but not broken. Im hopeful. My anxiety returned some trying to keep that at bay and i try to keep grace and cup half full this is bad but could b e worse? No grass is greener all grass has issues ...no guarantees sure ... but thats what life is ups and downs. Xo i could write book try to keep short .. noone knows ... i also find it just embarrassing in general though i know its his shame not my fault. Woundednoreply@blogger.com