tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post7596471708848580141..comments2024-03-27T21:50:33.178-04:00Comments on Betrayed Wives' Club: What To Do When You Don't Know What To DoEllehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comBlogger43125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-61433237548619068682020-01-19T12:54:06.243-05:002020-01-19T12:54:06.243-05:00I feel like you wrote this for me.
My DD was Chri...I feel like you wrote this for me. <br />My DD was Christmas Eve. My entire world shattered. <br />Thank you for writing.Kathrynnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-79106082269066317952019-12-18T10:02:43.491-05:002019-12-18T10:02:43.491-05:00I actually found our INCREDIBLE couples counsellor...I actually found our INCREDIBLE couples counsellor on Psychology Today's site. I Googled, including our city. You could also ask for your family doctor. And don't be afraid to call and ask for a short conversation before you commit to an appointment. Tell them what you're after and why and see how they respond. That will at least give you a glimpse into who they are and whether it might be a fit. But it can take a couple of sessions to feel comfortable, especially if you're a fairly private person. But, honestly, a good therapist can keep you afloat through this. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12947780870490110663noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-91603639511589097062019-12-17T18:56:39.630-05:002019-12-17T18:56:39.630-05:00Any info on finding good sources of professional s...Any info on finding good sources of professional support would be appreciated. Trusting a stranger to help me and him through this right now is too overwhelming without knowing a little about their approach. Living in a rural area doesn't help matters much. What's the best way to approach a search?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-81784088121092958972019-12-17T14:12:35.190-05:002019-12-17T14:12:35.190-05:00Anonymous, I'm so sorry for what you're go...Anonymous, I'm so sorry for what you're going through but so glad you found us.<br />Everything you've written sounds familiar to so many of us. The feeling that we need to DO something. The fear that we're pathetic for considering giving him a second chance. The wondering if he deserves a second chance. The concern that he doesn't really recognize just how deeply betrayed we are. It's all the same for us.<br />So...here are a few things to know:<br />You are a warrior and you will discover courage you didn't know you had. There is nothing wrong with making a choice that feels right for you. And then making a different choice tomorrow if that feels right. There is not "right" way to respond to this (but try to keep yourself out of jail). YOU get to decide what to do. There's no bashing on this site and certainly no insistence that there's a one-size-fits-all response to infidelity.<br />If you're considering giving him a second chance, then he needs counselling to figure out why he risked everything that mattered for someone who, ultimately, didn't. Emotionally healthy people don't blow up their lives, nor lie for three years. So...what's going on with him? He needs to figure that out. Typically, affairs are like self-medicating, a way to numb uncomfortable feelings (loss, mortality, anxiety, etc.). But it's on him to figure how just what he was doing and why. Your recognition the good people sometimes do really dumb things is absolutely true. He's not irredeemable...but he needs to do the work. It sounds too, like he's somewhat divorced from his own feelings, which makes apologizing for what he did very hard. He's likely stewing in some sort of shame cocktail, which feels HORRIBLE and which most of us do will anything to avoid. With the help of a professional, he can face that and come out a better person.<br />You also need support, ideally professional support. We're a great group here with a ton of compassion and wisdom...but having a real-life therapist can be a lifesaver.<br />Finally, there's lots to read it. Most of it will sound familiar.<br />You'll get through this, Anonymous. I know it feels like utter hell. And a wild ride. But you'll get through this. <br /><br />Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12947780870490110663noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-30809013713635722132019-12-17T13:51:06.282-05:002019-12-17T13:51:06.282-05:00I've just found this blog. Looking for a way t...I've just found this blog. Looking for a way to connect and get some things off my chest with people who understand. Twenty-eight year marriage. Was told for the last 3 years that he "wasn't sure he was happy being married anymore." Basically begged him for 3 years to love me. Found out a month ago that he had been having an affair all that time. Of course now I realize I really knew. There were signs and things I questioned, but I always thought he would never do that to me. So all over the place about what I need to do. One day I think its good its finally all out in the open and now we have a shot, and the next I think I'm crazy for even considering it. I feel such pressure to do something. He filed for divorce without fessing up and left the house, but came back the next day and confessed and said if I could forgive him we would try to reconcile. Seemed truly remorseful for two days, then it felt like I was the one begging him to make things work again. We told our two adult children yesterday and the main thing my daughter said later to me that bothered her most was that she kept waiting for him to say how sorry he was. I don't know how long, or if, I should wait for him to "get it". This was so totally out of character for the husband and father we all knew for 25 years. It honestly seems like a sickness. I just don't know if he will ever get over it. No bashing please. I realize how weak this makes me sound. But I really do think people make mistakes and sometimes get trapped in them and their thinking gets twisted and its too hard harder to climb out of the mess than just keep going with it. I do know that I am much better off walking in my shoes right now than being in his. Thanks for listening!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-24565970034056928912019-10-31T00:24:01.994-04:002019-10-31T00:24:01.994-04:00Dear Lizzybug,
I could have been in the exact same...Dear Lizzybug,<br />I could have been in the exact same position if my h had died. Situation the same but h alive and I found out. Explanation seems to be h is a very wounded man from events in his childhood, it has nothing to do with me. He is seeking therapy and is trying hard to get well. IT still is difficult but I know he loves me and has only now,after 39years of marriage opened up about these childhood abuses. So sad that you wont get to know your husbands reasons, but it was likely a reaction to his pain and nothing to do with you.<br /> I hope this helps.<br />Janenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-16244455360125594802019-10-09T23:53:02.204-04:002019-10-09T23:53:02.204-04:00I'm living every single word of this blog. My ...I'm living every single word of this blog. My husband has cheated on me with 2 woman twice with the same one. I just recently found out about the second time. We have been married 12 years 4 kids and I have endured alcoholism, late nights out with friends. Separated 3 times. I was able to forgive and move on to a certain point the first time around, I was able to love again. But this time has been the worst. Knowing he went back to the same woman, not knowing if he ever stopped communicating with her. This was the toughest blow yet. We had just gotten back together after our 3rd separation. Promised each other everything would be different and better. All I got was accusations of cheating on him, humiliations and just to find out it was him cheating on me again! It's been 4 months since then and this time I lost all respect. I don't desire him, I don't care to fall in love again with him, everything annoys me, I want out but I don't. I lived in peace for 6 months without him and he will NOT give me my peace again. I'm afraid to let go because of the good he does offer but I'm so hurt I can't forgive. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13173855713307618032noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-9287477595853729692019-09-27T10:38:38.947-04:002019-09-27T10:38:38.947-04:00Hopeful 30, I appreciate you sharing how you creat...Hopeful 30, I appreciate you sharing how you created new boundaries and how you put them in place. This is tremendously helpful. I can't help but wonder if my boundaries were too vague before, but I know he knew better. The detailed way you have set them up leave no doubt of what is expected. <br /><br />I have taken down the article that you recommended and look forward to reading it and sharing it with my h. He has been open to reading the few articles that I have shared and they have really opened his eyes to what I am going through. He fully underestimated the level of pain and trauma that he caused before reading them. <br /><br />I have begun reading the book that Chinook recommends in comments below - When it all Breaks Bad. So far it has some helpful insight. <br /><br />Elle, Thank you for your comments. I already feel the care and kindness of the fearless warriors here. beyond frazzledhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04437000391991477296noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-90046544960971301012019-09-27T09:42:42.167-04:002019-09-27T09:42:42.167-04:00K, That's what we're here for! Sounds like...K, That's what we're here for! Sounds like a really good start. And, as crazy as this might sound, it might be a chance for you two to reconnect as allies in the face of this shock. To go through it together as a team. But, and as I noted this is crucial, you have to be able to express your own pain without him getting defensive and vice versa. It's so important that you two can each acknowledge how painful this is in its own way. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12947780870490110663noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-11217363064919912242019-09-26T19:48:46.421-04:002019-09-26T19:48:46.421-04:00Thank you ladies! It's always amazing to see w...Thank you ladies! It's always amazing to see what 24 hours can do. Elle, your suspicions were echoed by my H this morning when he apologized for storming off and explained just what you said. When we met, he was worried that his past would drive me away. I told him the same thing you said. I have to be able to share my feelings. I can't even tell you how much it means to me to have this blog as an outlet and when I was able to angry type last night, I was able to get my frustrations out in a way that was less destructive. Thank you.Knoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-45678176212400483002019-09-26T16:03:08.674-04:002019-09-26T16:03:08.674-04:00Wow K, That's a shocker. And no, I don't b...Wow K, That's a shocker. And no, I don't believe he "forgot" though I do suspect he figured it was something that might affect your opinion of him or whether you wanted to get involved with him. Or something that, he hoped, would just disappear.<br />And though I'm absolutely not absolving him of wrongdoing because he absolutely should have told you, I suspect he, too, is reeling from this. Huge shock to him too. <br />Nonetheless, it sounds as though he's been doing an effective job of silencing you...which is not okay. So, when this storm has been dealt with (a paternity test is probably a good start) or even as you deal with this storm, it's important that he understands that you a absolutely need to be able to share your feelings with him, that you need to be able to trust that he can support you when you're struggling. It's utterly unfair to accuse you of being unfair when you're the injured party here. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12947780870490110663noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-84739664668390382172019-09-26T15:59:01.398-04:002019-09-26T15:59:01.398-04:00Thanks ann! Appreciate the recommendation. Thanks ann! Appreciate the recommendation. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12947780870490110663noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-53264438281761884402019-09-26T15:58:43.892-04:002019-09-26T15:58:43.892-04:00Kimberly,
It can be such a difficult step to open ...Kimberly,<br />It can be such a difficult step to open yourself up to vulnerability again. But I doubt you're really protecting yourself -- I suspect you'd still be devastated to discover another affair whether or not you think you're on the fence or not. So, ultimately, you're only getting the way of potential healing or happiness.<br />Live life with your heart open -- which means incredible discomfort at first. But slowly you begin to trust in yourself and know that, if someone hurts you again, you'll survive it. And it reflects them, not you. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12947780870490110663noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-5997236326350471902019-09-26T15:56:31.763-04:002019-09-26T15:56:31.763-04:00Lizzybug,
I am so so sorry for what you're goi...Lizzybug,<br />I am so so sorry for what you're going through. Pain on top of pain. Your husband's porn addiction and using prostitutes was like a double life for him. It had NOTHING to do with you. Don't imagine that offers much comfort, but it's important that you know it.<br />As you work through all this grief -- loss of him but also loss of who you thought he was -- be gentle with yourself. Take it step by step. You will get through this though it's hard to believe when you're in shock. Keep reaching out. As Kimberly so beautifully put it, you're among a community that can hold your pain.<br />And...Kimberly? I'm so sorry you read those horrible messages. So glad that both you and your aunt were able to see that they were untrue and the product of someone with her own shortcomings to acknowledge. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12947780870490110663noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-15730063329448848692019-09-26T15:53:12.726-04:002019-09-26T15:53:12.726-04:00I'm so sorry, Anonymous. Glad that others also...I'm so sorry, Anonymous. Glad that others also reached out to you. It is devastating. So much more painful that I ever imagined it could be. But please know, if you don't already, he didn't cheat because there's anything wrong with you. He cheated because there's something wrong with him. Affairs are about distraction and fantasy, they are where opportunity meets moral failure. I'm glad he's doing the "right" things -- shows that he recognizes he's majorly screwed up. <br />Keep posting. And trust that you will get through this. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12947780870490110663noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-30549951769790679502019-09-26T15:51:29.085-04:002019-09-26T15:51:29.085-04:00beyond frazzled, I'm so sorry for the pain you...beyond frazzled, I'm so sorry for the pain you're in. But, as you've clearly noticed, there's an army of incredible women here who know your pain and are ready to listen, comfort and guide you forward. You will get through this. It is still raw for you. Keep doing what you're doing -- prioritize your healing. And reach out when you need us. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12947780870490110663noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-49987276745078114292019-09-26T15:49:45.117-04:002019-09-26T15:49:45.117-04:00It took me a full five years to really see that th...It took me a full five years to really see that this was behind me. To feel that I was thriving...and that has continued to be the case. Life hasn't been all sunshine and ponies but I learned so much through this that has helped me deal with other crises. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12947780870490110663noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-33501317635352484022019-09-26T15:48:24.795-04:002019-09-26T15:48:24.795-04:00Jenna,
Yay you. And yay for your therapist. So muc...Jenna,<br />Yay you. And yay for your therapist. So much of our healing can rely on our ability to reframe what happened to us. To feel more empowered. No, we can't change what happened. But we can change how we deal with what happened. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12947780870490110663noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-8086893838372475992019-09-26T15:47:20.865-04:002019-09-26T15:47:20.865-04:00I'm glad it helped. Sometimes it makes a big d...I'm glad it helped. Sometimes it makes a big difference just to know we're not alone. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12947780870490110663noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-6500012624419047052019-09-26T10:58:03.798-04:002019-09-26T10:58:03.798-04:00My advice - breathe. This is a lot to take in on ...My advice - breathe. This is a lot to take in on a good day, little lone within 6 weeks of finding out other untruths from your H. <br /><br />There is no "forgot" about this ... you don't "forget" that you could have fathered a child. BUT, the paternity question is a valid one. <br /><br />If you haven't, I will echo every other BWC member who will tell you to go find a place for you to work through this as an individual. Therapy is where I'm most able to work through the issues at hand.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-74598440291883530102019-09-26T00:46:45.655-04:002019-09-26T00:46:45.655-04:00I want to scream a thousand f@#$s right now! We ar...I want to scream a thousand f@#$s right now! We are a month and a half from DD. We have been doing so well...until today. Today, my husband calls me to tell me that a process server had stopped by work. After calling the guy back, he finds out that he is being served papers to allow a women's husband to adopt his child. A child that I did not know about who was born before we were married. He claims that there is a question of paternity and he saw the baby once before we met I thought that she didn't look like him. What the actual fuck?!?!?! He said he FORGOT about it so that's why he didn't tell me!!! THEN he has the AUDACITY to say that I am being unfair and storm off when I ask him what else he has forgotten!!! AHHHHHHH!!!! This moment is an I don't think I can do this moment. I have been so f-ing understanding (puke) and when I show anger or distrust he says I am being unfair. I want to literally scream. I did in the car today but have to restrain myself now so I don't terrify our children. ANY advice would be greatly appreciated because I feel like I am losing my mind!Knoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-66525233877650461892019-09-25T14:01:30.583-04:002019-09-25T14:01:30.583-04:00Beyond Frazzled. I too thought I had boundaries bu...Beyond Frazzled. I too thought I had boundaries but as my therapist said my husband lived his life in a different way. Since I wanted to work on it and try to move forward with my therapist we set extremely detailed boundaries. I felt like I was being the mom but my therapist kept reminding me this is the only way I can even consider feeling safe. And without feeling safe I will never trust him even one bit. <br /><br />My boundaries were really specific, call me on the way to work, on the way home, during lunch, no time alone with females except with advance notice/plan, if his scheduled changes at all he must notify me. Access to all passwords and accounts (except work since he is a mental health professional...). If he wants to do anything at all he asks in person. He must provide where, when, who and all details at that time. If plans change he has to call not text me. The responsibility is on him to communicate his every move. I also set expectations of what I needed him to do in our relationship, as an individual and as a father. This also was very detailed. I would say in the past he focused only on work and used that as his excuse. He is the breadwinner by a long shot and highly successful but no longer does that give him a pass. <br /><br />My husband had two sporadic affairs over ten years. It was odd since he would go over a year without talking to the ow if not longer. So things would seem normal during those phases, then when contact happened he would detach. We always talked about it and he blamed work. His career is highly stressful so it all made sense. I did also ask him about attention or contact with ow. He always looked me in the face and said "no never, nothing like that ever happens". I know I asked him at least three times. <br /><br />It took me a full calendar year just to process what he did and the pain. Once I started to feel better it hit him. I figured since he made these decisions he was okay with it. I was so wrong. It has taken him way longer.<br /><br />I took on the saying "talk less, listen more". By doing this he has opened up so much. He has transformed himself. No one knows what he did but many people have noticed how he has changed especially his friends. And he is happier than ever and more fulfilled. He is also even more successful at work. <br /><br />I would suggest reading The Atlantic article "Masters of Love" by John Gottman. My husband brought it home from work and it made a huge impact on both of us. He still refers to it and honestly since it was a magazine article he read it. He has not been able to read any books on affairs. Granted he knows about it all due to his education, training and career.<br /><br />This all takes time but for me I decided I wanted to be in control which meant me laying down those boundaries and expectations. Hopeful 30noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-54558482999389222142019-09-25T13:13:44.831-04:002019-09-25T13:13:44.831-04:00Ann: "Live Your Best Plan B" is my new f...Ann: "Live Your Best Plan B" is my new favourite saying. Chinooknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-53398291290651646102019-09-24T21:27:11.679-04:002019-09-24T21:27:11.679-04:00Hopeful 30, Thank you for your kind words. It seem...Hopeful 30, Thank you for your kind words. It seems the repeated response to my post is that I don't have to decide anything right now. That is freeing and helpful in a way, yet I want to know what is next. I know that I can't know. I am trying to accept it. Working on my boundaries... thing is, I thought that I had those in place. Am I weak for not acting on them? Is giving him a chance telling him that I wont follow through if it happens again? ... and here I go again. UGH! <br /><br />ann, Thank you for your response and reassurance. Day to day is where I am and probably need to be for a while (a long while from the sound of it). I feel like we are communicating better, he is doing more for me and for himself (taking that off of me, not that he had a choice). But, I agree with you - we are not living our best life. That is crap! There is no way that their choice is what was needed to get us here. They could have handled that better. So your plan B statement is resonating with me. Here we are, living our best plan B. beyond frazzledhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04437000391991477296noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-85282538322061987712019-09-24T11:59:09.878-04:002019-09-24T11:59:09.878-04:00Beyond frazzled,
I struggled with trying to make a...Beyond frazzled,<br />I struggled with trying to make a once-and-for-all decision about staying or going. For so long, in fact, that 3.5 years later (still in the marriage) I STILL have not decided, and it's the perfect answer for me. There is no once-and-for-all decision moment for me but rather a decision every day to look at what I have and decide for that one day. I'm still here because we're close again. There's love and compassion for each other. My needs are considered. I enjoy him. I have no evidence that he's being dishonest. If I wake up one day and see something or someone else, I may choose to leave. I want to take the pressure off to "figure out what you need to do". You can live a wonderful and happy existence with your eyes open and never know for sure what you need to decide. I still take it day by day. It's a whole new way to live, but I'm living my best plan B! (I hate the new phrase 'living my best life' so I altered it for my situation.)annnoreply@blogger.com