tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post7683606780329707213..comments2024-03-27T21:50:33.178-04:00Comments on Betrayed Wives' Club: Let's crowdsource some common questions about healing from infidelityEllehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comBlogger40125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-11255932976646392602017-11-26T11:46:17.968-05:002017-11-26T11:46:17.968-05:00How do you learn to trust again while staying vigi...How do you learn to trust again while staying vigilant? My discovery of the affair was by chance. A slip on his part. After 16 yrs together and on and off affairs, I only discovered the recent one at the time. If the slip had never happened, I would have never found out. I'm totally for 2nd chances but I sure as hell won't let myself be blindsided and taken by surprise again. Ours was the "happy couples who cheat". Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-53683095680859677372017-11-26T10:20:02.050-05:002017-11-26T10:20:02.050-05:00Mine did the same for 7 months. You have to decid...Mine did the same for 7 months. You have to decide, what you need to know to move on. He admitted to the affair 3 weeks after the ow contacted me but he stated she exaggerated the whole thing. Little by little the truth of his involvement came out, it was torture. I finally told him I needed for him to stop denying and minimizing his involvement. I couldn't begin to trust someone who continued to lie just to avoid his guilt. I stood my ground and told him that he needed to come clean or I was done. It took him a few drinks but he answered everything. I needed a time line and for him to admit to what I already knew. Once that happened it was like a weight came off. I didn't feel lied to anymore. Just make sure you don't ask questions that will hurt you more. Stay calm when you do, that was the hardest part for me. When my husband would see me emotional his guilt was worse and he would get defensive. Noenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-27254434182618191852017-11-18T14:49:33.876-05:002017-11-18T14:49:33.876-05:00Hi Kate. That is powerful. We don't have contr...Hi Kate. That is powerful. We don't have control.Survivinghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04406952797244187061noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-65883136357929024782017-11-18T14:48:43.804-05:002017-11-18T14:48:43.804-05:00That's powerful Kate. ThanksThat's powerful Kate. Thanks<br />Survivinghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04406952797244187061noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-75888377302826693422017-11-18T08:38:47.191-05:002017-11-18T08:38:47.191-05:00Same situation here. My husband was drinking to ge...Same situation here. My husband was drinking to get drunk almost every day and I didn't know that he had ever had more than one or two drinks. He has an hour commute home and would be able to somewhat sober up on the way home. Very scary to think that he drove like that and by some miracle, never hurt himself or anyone else. The OW was the bartender in the local dive bar. She let him drink for free and then when he was drunk enough, he would either head home or meet her in the bar bathroom for sex. Nice, huh? My question is the same as yours...does him being an alcoholic getting his "fix" from the slutty bartender make a difference in processing, accepting and healing from his affair? Our MC states that she believes that my morally high and might husband would not have engaged in an affair if alcohol was taken out of the equation. Jeaninenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-67104668136299334082017-11-17T10:36:39.883-05:002017-11-17T10:36:39.883-05:00LLP for the win today! I enjoyed the shit out of ...LLP for the win today! I enjoyed the shit out of your responses. Thank you.<br />And thanks especially for this: "You don't have to be 100% out of hope for divorce to be the right choice or be 100% sure for staying to be the right choice. Listen to your gut." Really what I needed to hear just days after learning my divorce was final. Hugs , LLP<br />PS Elle, I have (not surprisingly) a ton of responses to the Qs rolling around in my head. I will try to get them out here soon.Still Standing 1noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-25225763207789640422017-11-17T10:26:13.906-05:002017-11-17T10:26:13.906-05:00Those answers are awesome. I'm copying them al...Those answers are awesome. I'm copying them all into another document and will create a page when I'm able to organize all the answers. It will be invaluable, I think, to the newly betrayed who find themselves here in such pain. Thank-you for taking the time to put it all down. And thank-you for all you do on this site, LLP. This site is a creation of all the women who share their pain and their love and their hard-won wisdom and their compassion. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-22749059452624748922017-11-17T09:27:29.930-05:002017-11-17T09:27:29.930-05:00Elle, it took me a week to form these answers. Th...Elle, it took me a week to form these answers. This site and you have done so much and changed my life. All the woman who cared, gave their thoughts changed my life. Love to you all. LLPnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-16447960694682437022017-11-17T09:23:54.508-05:002017-11-17T09:23:54.508-05:00How do I turn off the mind movies?
Sometimes it j...How do I turn off the mind movies?<br /><br />Sometimes it just sucks. Yell “fuck it” into an empty room. In the next room say a prayer. You just get by everyday but it lessens with time. Most of the time I️ thought about sticking a porcupine up both their asses. Nothing except time worked for me.<br /><br />How can I ever trust him again?<br /><br />I️ never ever will and that is best for me. I opened an account with a financial advisor. This is crucial, because it meant that I had cash building interest that the H couldn't touch. My money went into an account that was not considered a marital asset. He can’t touch it. He proved he has the ability put my back to a wall, be Houdini and doggie style in the driveway to my heart. That was enough for me.<br />LLPnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-34971873888331680702017-11-17T09:22:54.360-05:002017-11-17T09:22:54.360-05:00How do I get my husband to go to counselling with ...How do I get my husband to go to counselling with me?<br /><br />Boundaries, don’t let him blow-off you off. He is not the smartest, most amazing sexy man, he is a selfish asshole of the universe. This is a clear indication he is willing to do anything to deserves a second chance. If he doesn’t that is a red flag, he is not owning his own shit. Do not accept that your H knows what is best for your marriage, what YOU need or don't need, in this process. Don’t allow him to put his own shame and hurt, because of his actions, ahead of what you need. He did that during the A and he doesn’t need to do it again so don’t let him.<br /><br />What do I do when I discover he's lied to me again?<br /><br />Holding onto hope is dangerous. “If only he would this, then I could that" became a real liability. It took me a long time to see him as he is. It is hard to lose a positive opinion about someone I love. When I was able to separate that false reality from his behavior (deceitful), I was able to evaluate the situation more clearly. The two pieces of advice help me move past hope were "You don't have to be 100% out of hope for divorce to be the right choice or be 100% sure for staying to be the right choice. Listen to your gut.<br /><br />He has to fix himself. He needs to answer questions or make your life easier. He should be a shoulder to cry on. He needs to realize this is more than a lovers quarrel where you start off where you left off. This is a total destruction of you, your marriage, and him. Just ask him to prove himself to him. He doesn't get to ask for anything. Owning his own shit is taking responsibility. Not blame shifting, not deflecting and not excusing. Excuses are lies.<br /><br />"I was drunk" (your choice, lie)<br />"I couldn't help it" (denial, your choice, lie) "She/he/they made me so angry that.." (blaming) "It was just once" (rationalizing) "It didn't mean anything" (minimizing) "It's not a big deal" (minimizing) "Get over it" (minimizing) "if they don't know it won't hurt" (rationalizing)LLPnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-81814300516850535652017-11-17T09:21:55.722-05:002017-11-17T09:21:55.722-05:00I can barely function. How do I survive this pain?...I can barely function. How do I survive this pain?<br /><br />I decided I was going to be a firewall between my broken heart and his decision to go dinky dunking a mentally ill permanently physically disabled desperate woman. I had to use coping mechanisms. Some good and some not so good. I️ learned with help of many women of BWC; especially Elle; I learned to become those boundaries. The phrases "No, I’m not going to do that" ; “ I’m irritated because.....”; “I️ don’t like ......” ; I️ changed my mind” ; should be tattooed on his chest backwards in bold letters with sharp painful needles so every time he looks in the mirror he can see my boundaries and see his consequences.<br /><br />Learn to lower your standards for a wide array of judgmental shit from the entire world. My trash is spilling over to the floor. The title of my menu "Screw It: Those chicken tenders at the gas station look good.” My sheets have not been changed in a month. The dishwasher needs emptied. He has no clean clothes. Whatever you can no longer care about gives you space to deal with the bigger picture. Only have high standards around you. The way you treat others. Yourself. Your kids.<br /><br />You have to grieve a lot of shit, sometimes silently in your head and sometimes for the whole crap coaster of life that you lost. It seems to be less sharp with time. I also deliberately waited to process some information when I had more information to make decisions right for me. Expect push back. Woman with self-esteem and know what they want are scary to others.<br /><br />What's the single best thing you've done to heal?<br /><br />I got into therapy right away.<br />LLPnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-89738558856106912262017-11-17T09:21:10.565-05:002017-11-17T09:21:10.565-05:00How do I get him to understand how painful this is...How do I get him to understand how painful this is?<br /><br />You don’t. You can try to get revenge. I️ was upset all the time and nobody called me out on it, so I exploited the betrayal in order to get him to feel my hurt through numerous torture methods, fear factors, boxing him in, physical rages and the likes. I was just repeating the pain to myself. I created post betrayal drama but he never felt like a bag of kittens on the way to the river.<br /><br />Should I tell the OW's husband?<br /><br />Yes, he has a right to know. Let the OW ride in her Karma bus after your car runs over her with the no contact rule.<br /><br />What should I tell our children?<br /><br />Be honest accordingly to their emotional age. I️ insisted my pigskin man in tuna town call each one of his children and apologize. If you remain silent then your kids can come up with all this other shit in their head, never tell you because they want to protect mom and take several years to fester into a person that you don’t know, is uncontrollable and needs serious therapy. Protect your children always no matter what. Let them see you angry but not crazy. Let them see you cry but know it is not their fault. I grew up in an affair home a duration of 7 years.<br />LLPnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-73481761932548893572017-11-17T09:20:11.627-05:002017-11-17T09:20:11.627-05:00I came here a broken woman full of self-doubt. Whe...I came here a broken woman full of self-doubt. When D-day was less than a week ago when I found BWC For those who have not read my story I️ am three and half years of R with a H who turned out to have some hate, revenge and resentment issues toward me that he shared with a psycho kindergarten teacher for two and half years. Oh, and a lot of lying about spending. Oh, it was a super fun to get checked for an STD then found out why my twat itched off and on for two years. It turns out that there were a lot of shitty chapters to this story of deceit that I️ discovered 8 months after D-day. I️ was even more deeply hurt, angry and terrified. Am I still cynical? Yes, but it not as harsh as it once was.<br /><br />Here are some smart things I did and I feel damn proud of doing.<br /><br />When will I get over this?<br /><br />It is up to you. If you are already damaged from a dysfunctional past it takes longer. Takes longer because you end up dealing with that too as part of the healing process. I thought my childhood was normal but I was wrong. My therapist said I was abused.<br /><br />I committed myself to my health and well-being. I STOPPED! Fooling myself that my marriage really didn't suck. Fooling myself by staying too quiet. Fooling myself by accepting less. Fooling myself by not demanding more. Fooling myself that I didn't deserve better. Fooling myself by doing things for others I didn't want to do.to So my needs and wants went immediately to the head of the line. Being that vulnerable is not a life sentence. Invest in yourself. Be a hard-on killer, a boulder that doesn’t move. It is up to you to what happens next, not him. This is not your San Andreas - it is all on him. However you feel or act is normal post betrayal. Don’t doubt yourself.<br />LLPnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-66455042555901335602017-11-16T13:50:36.012-05:002017-11-16T13:50:36.012-05:00So this is the best infidelity 101, getting from c...So this is the best infidelity 101, getting from crisis to trust, healing, and connection, that I have ever heard. I wish every therapist understood things this way. Terry Real is wonderful in his understanding of couples, especially patriarchy and entitlement ;) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OTxl79KQMgYMBShttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10168863416317700184noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-44088624187509002382017-11-15T15:03:03.697-05:002017-11-15T15:03:03.697-05:00Anon 11/13, this exact Q is where I'm at about...Anon 11/13, this exact Q is where I'm at about 2.5 yrs post-DDay, with -- like you -- a "reformed" husband.<br /><br />K's answer really hit a nerve -- it speaks truth to me. "I may not love him again" is a viable option. I finally realized that a few months ago. And once I put "I may not" on the table next to "I may," "I should," and "I am destined to," a huge weight lifted from my shoulders. (And then I threw out "I should" and "I am destined to" because... ridiculous.)<br /><br />I am a practicing Catholic, so I figure I now have 3 paths for my life:<br />1. Renewal of our marriage.<br />2. Legal separation and a life of celibacy. <br />3. Annulment and civil divorce, with potential for remarriage to someone else.<br /><br />I *want* path 1. But resentment keeps getting in the way, and I worry that I'm going to force path 2 or 3. That is why it has been so important for me to see that "may" or "may not" are CHOICES. In Books for the Betrayed section, Elle referred to a book called "The All or Nothing Marriage" and wrote: "for those who demand a lot AND ARE WILLING TO PUT IN THE WORK TO CREATE THAT, the result is a truly rewarding marriage. Not one that meets ALL our expectations but meets a whole lot of them." I've been thinking about this a lot. I may love him again, I may not. But I need to stop thinking about it as something that will just happen to me, and instead decide which one will bring more of what I want/need to my life -- and then work for it. That's what my H has done, and he chose love. My turn to choose now.<br /><br /><br /><br />Salnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-16808741457079731782017-11-15T10:20:45.446-05:002017-11-15T10:20:45.446-05:00H30
I like how you stated that these women are cra...H30<br />I like how you stated that these women are crazy and determined. Because that's what they were but, I think too that in both of our stories that these women have had practice doing this to other people. I know that when my husband told her that he didn't know how this happened and that he never wanted this, she told him that she planned the whole thing and then acted like it was nothing. We hadn't worked there very long when this happened and it was right after he was finished with all the drug testing that we had to do. So I have no doubt that they new exactly what they were doing and how to do it as far as trying to destroying our marriage. She had told him that her sister went after a married guy and when he left his wife for her she dumped him. Well come to find out it wasn't her sister it was her that did it. The woman that you are talking about must have had some obsession with your husband to keep it up for 3-4 years. Everything that each of us has gone through is crazy. The day my husband tried to end his life I went to the restaurant to confront these women, that's why I got the letter of restraint. My daughter and I were looking for him and thought that he might have gone there to sleep. My daughter called the manager of the restaurant and told her that she would be held responsible if something happened to her father because he was doing her job while she sat at home collecting her paycheck . The OW at this time was trying to get back with her ex fiance after she bought my husband a phone to try and keep it hush hush. The OW and the manager of the restaurant covered there ass very well with lies. In the end it came back to bit both of them.<br />CathyAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-90410911210815109602017-11-15T08:15:49.478-05:002017-11-15T08:15:49.478-05:00Hi Elle
I wanted to let you know that I am planni...Hi Elle<br /><br />I wanted to let you know that I am planning to help out with some of these response. But things are bit hectic for me now. So it will probably be about a week or so<br /><br />Love and support sisters<br />Becky Beckyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11509536058879775787noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-34188738255896008752017-11-14T22:30:18.782-05:002017-11-14T22:30:18.782-05:00You might not, and that will be okay. When you rea...You might not, and that will be okay. When you realize that that's a viable option, you'll better know if that is the case for you. Katenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-74904984793825353402017-11-14T22:24:10.477-05:002017-11-14T22:24:10.477-05:00Understanding it won't make you feel better. W...Understanding it won't make you feel better. When you realize that, you don't try so hard, and then can use that energy for moving forward in spite of it. Katenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-75828864228527301122017-11-14T22:22:43.354-05:002017-11-14T22:22:43.354-05:00Try to remind yourself that whether you accept wha...Try to remind yourself that whether you accept what he did or not won't change the fact that he did it. Katenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-3004480836528311792017-11-14T22:21:52.371-05:002017-11-14T22:21:52.371-05:00Suspend judgment until the pain isn't quite as...Suspend judgment until the pain isn't quite as raw and you can enjoy yourself again. Then ask yourself if the new truth of your relationship at that moment is something you want to be a part of your future. You'll know then. I waited 2 years, best decision of my experience. Katenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-55469484854666305302017-11-14T22:19:43.314-05:002017-11-14T22:19:43.314-05:00The answer to most of these for me was realizing t...The answer to most of these for me was realizing that I couldn't control what he chose to do after the affair, just as much as I wasn't in control of his behavior when he chose to have one. Katenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-28390886362447228182017-11-14T22:16:49.151-05:002017-11-14T22:16:49.151-05:00-When will I get over this? You may not entirely e...-When will I get over this? You may not entirely ever get over it, though it will become less of a part of your life with time. That will be good enough to feel better, and you will be surprised by that just as I am.<br />-How do I get him to understand how painful this is? You don't; he doesn't have the capacity to empathize with your pain because he warped his thinking into justifying this behavior in the first place. But he can try... and that will be enough to feel better, I promise. <br />-How do I get him to talk to me about this? Go to a therapist as a couple. If that doesn't get him to listen, or he won't go, he'll never talk about it. <br />-Should I tell the OW's husband? Sure; but only if you'd be grateful to be told if you were in his shoes and he found out before you.<br />-What should I tell our children? Wait and decide if you're going to be able to stay married or not. Once you know that answer you'll be more clear headed and know just what to say. <br />-I can barely function. How do I survive this pain? The pain will change over time, and so you survive knowing that the passage of time is enough to make you feel better. Soon, enough time passes and enough comes to past as a consequence of what happened that you suddenly realized that by waking up each day since you found out you've survived. <br />-What's the single best thing you've done to heal? I waited to file for divorce until I had given him a chance to change, but spent that time figuring out exactly how I felt and what I wanted regardless of whether he was able to. Coincidentally, I came to terms with the fact that I no longer wanted a life with him regardless of what he did or didn't do around the same time I found out he was still cheating. It made walking away easier and so freeing. <br />-How do I find a good therapist? As your network. You'd be surprised how many women are impacted by infidelity and have a good recommendation. <br />-How do I get my husband to go to counselling with me? You make it a condition of continuing the marriage and living arrangements. I made it a condition of me giving him a chance but we were still separated until I was ready to be around him (it was a year, and then 6 months living together again). <br />-What do I do when I discover he's lied to me again? Look up the "180", and do it. It works and keeps you stabilized while more revelations are happening. It helps to know that each time something comes out, you likely get closer to finally knowing everything you need to know. <br />-How do I turn off the mind movies? reframing the picture based in reality- it was probably a creepy hotel, she probably had cellulite, and it wasn't that good anyway.. Because no matter what the fantasy that was played out, cheating on your spouse is wrong and your body knows it no matter how warped your thinking has become. <br />-How can I ever trust him again? You may not ever fully trust him, or a future partner again. That's not necessarily a bad thing. It keeps you safe to learn from your experiences, remember? Hot stove and all that? But soon the amount of reserved trust will get to a small enough proportion that you trust him more than you don't trust him and that's enough to feel better. I promise. <br />Katenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-58396934640976698022017-11-14T15:59:43.200-05:002017-11-14T15:59:43.200-05:00My husband is not on any social media and any cont...My husband is not on any social media and any contact that was made by either ow we blocked the number or email address. One ow would use her friends phone and we blocked that too. The first time he replied to leave him alone but from my understanding she does this when she is drunk. So charming. In the end we decided he would show me the contact and we would block and the delete the contact together. I would think consulting with an attorney would make sense. I understand these women are crazy and determined. The one ow worked for 3-4 years to get my husband's cell number. She would find out where he was and just show up. He always refused to give his number out and his friends would not. Well one night she got dropped off at a bar and hung out and was unable to get a cab. In the end it was his fault and his responsibility not hers to our marriage and our family but that is some crazy stuff working for that long to get someone's number. I am sure it worked in her favor to fuel his ego or poor self esteem. I would never do that.Hopeful 30noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-49686449263734723792017-11-14T12:56:10.598-05:002017-11-14T12:56:10.598-05:00How do I get him to understand how painful this is...How do I get him to understand how painful this is?<br /><br />Therapy helped us I truly believe my marriage would not have survived without getting the help we needed. We started therapy within 1 week after DDay. I remember around 3 months after DDay I was sitting in therapy and I had hit a wall, I just said I’m stuck I don’t see how I will ever forgive and move on I don’t want to live my life like this. I was ready for a divorce, I had asked him all the questions that I needed answers to and since I had no more questions I stopped showing him my emotions. I was starting to feel like it was this big elephant in the room and we were sweeping it under the carpet. Our therapist gave us this to work on <br /><br />1. See emotion as opportunity to connect<br />2. Identify the emotion<br />3. Understand it from your Wives perspective<br />4. Apologize / what can I do to help you.<br /><br />She told my husband to think of an oreo cookie he was scratching at the cookie part what he needed to do was dig deep into the creamy center and have empathy and really feel my pain. She told him if you don’t do this she will never get over this! She was so right. I started talking to him when I was having a bad day or if I was getting a trigger. I woke him up in the middle of the night to hold me after a nightmare. I shared my mind movies, I no longer cried in the bathroom I cried in front of him whenever I needed to. I let him see the raw pain I was in. I’m 22 months now, and I will always be very open with my emotions. We are in a much better place, he has changed so many things about himself our marriage is so much stronger then it was before the affair. hiking girlnoreply@blogger.com