tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post7813650200304061025..comments2024-03-27T21:50:33.178-04:00Comments on Betrayed Wives' Club: Am I letting him off the hook?Ellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comBlogger63125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-6201753803262077632017-07-22T13:39:09.241-04:002017-07-22T13:39:09.241-04:00browneyedgirl
I am so sorry for what happened to ...browneyedgirl<br /><br />I am so sorry for what happened to you and everyone else on this blog. <br /><br />I understand how you feel. You want to forgive him but you feel he's a stranger to you. You loved one man and discovered another in his place. Truly we are starting over with someone we don't know. It's a gamble. Honestly, in the early days I felt like a yoyo. I struggled with love and hate, disbelief and blaming myself, disappointment and inexplicable moments of hope. The range of emotions one goes through takes a toll and is exhausting. Nothing in life prepares you for the betrayal of your spouse. I'm not sure that we will ever be whole again but we can be happy again.<br /><br />I believe the doubts and emptiness you feel are normal right now. I still have days when I have panic attacks and pull away from him for no reason. Sometimes I look at him and wonder who the hell he was to be capable of doing what he did. On the other hand, this morning I told him what an amazing dad and husband he is and I truly meant it. Strange huh? Recovery from this nightmare seems to be very fluid but time will help you to become more clear regarding what you want. If he's truly sorry and truly wants you to stay, he will be patient and continue to show you through his actions that he is a better man. Give yourself time to figure out what you want. There is no right or wrong answer.....do what feels good in your heart and be happy.random thoughtsnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-73763550626279193972017-06-21T11:24:42.790-04:002017-06-21T11:24:42.790-04:00RT, thank you for this. I truly believe H now love...RT, thank you for this. I truly believe H now loves me more than he ever has. He has changed. He is doing the work. He is accountable and repentant and I did forgive him. Problem is I can't un-know what he was capable of for so long in the past and that has changed my feelings for him. I don't feel like I love him anymore. I do feel like I could love someone new. I hope my feelings for H can come back. I can't look in his eyes and say I love you. Buying him a father's day card took me forever to find a card that was nice, but 99% of them are all gushy 'you're a great role model for our children'. Our wedding anniversary is coming up and I know I will struggle with that card too. I don't feel in love with him anymore. I've made the decision that I want to be a family, I don't want to share custody of my kids, I don't want a future other woman in their lives. I have weighed the pro's and con's and I think divorce would be worse. I just feel this huge void - the feeling of me loving someone back. I want to be in love again and I'm just not sure I can ever get that feeling back. Anyone else go through that? I'm 7 mos from the Dday of an A that H ended many years ago. browneyedgirlnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-49670520559358023452017-06-20T14:12:42.078-04:002017-06-20T14:12:42.078-04:00"If things are getting better, let them."..."If things are getting better, let them." Absolutely. How often do we sabotage good things because we're so afraid they won't last. They won't. Good times don't last forever. Neither do bad times. That's life. And we can handle all of it. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-60373938950459927722017-06-19T23:33:13.937-04:002017-06-19T23:33:13.937-04:00Beach Girl: I hope things continue to be positiv...Beach Girl: I hope things continue to be positive! Be true to yourself and take the time to figure out what will make you happy. Wishing you the very best! random thoughts...noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-46007931162278752512017-06-19T23:24:31.274-04:002017-06-19T23:24:31.274-04:00Truth: Three years ago I didn't think I would...Truth: Three years ago I didn't think I would be able to offer encouragement to anyone. Looking back at my early posts here I am reminded of how lost I was and how my emotions were all over the board. In the beginning it was a minute by minute choice...and then it became a daily choice. And then, somewhere along the line, I realized that I was at peace with my decision. <br /><br />Congratulations on your progress! Coming out of this nightmare and moving forward, whether you stay or go, is a win. <br /><br />I wish you all the best!!random thoughts...noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-19830992797656891342017-06-19T12:07:41.990-04:002017-06-19T12:07:41.990-04:00Random Thoughts, thank you for your post. It is pe...Random Thoughts, thank you for your post. It is perfect. Today, I feel like your last paragraph is me. Looks great on paper and feels right in real time too. Beach Girlnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-66581899085804625352017-06-19T11:53:37.352-04:002017-06-19T11:53:37.352-04:00RT, What a lot of good things to think about, than...RT, What a lot of good things to think about, thanks! It sounds like you are living and thriving. I'm at 2 years and your perspective is helpful. <br />'Perpetual agony is exhausting' YES! I'm looking back at it glad it's somewhat behind me, yet looking forward is a bit bleak. Looking for beauty and joy in the little things.<br />About 'those who've decided to stay'. It often still feels like a daily choice I make, telling myself I will stay today, giving myself the freedom to choose different another day. I do feel a sense of satisfaction at the end of the day, praising myself for making it thru another day. <br />Kudos to you and h for doing the hard work to get to the place you are today! Your words encouraged me! Truthnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-49468583681932899022017-06-17T13:07:23.459-04:002017-06-17T13:07:23.459-04:00Kiwichick: Unreasonable? Certainly not. If this ...Kiwichick: Unreasonable? Certainly not. If this man does not recognize how broken you are and immediately start searching for every shattered fragment to repair you, he isn't remorseful. If he doesn't move heaven and earth to save you from drowning in a nighmare he created, he doesn't deserve a second chance with you. None of these things include giving a flying #!$@ about the other woman. What the hell is he thinking? <br /> <br />You take care of you. You deserve and should settle for nothing less than a man who is willing to own his bullshit and work to correct it.random thoughtsnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-38828077330991228842017-06-17T12:00:26.095-04:002017-06-17T12:00:26.095-04:00Elle, thank you for this post. Occasionally we ne...Elle, thank you for this post. Occasionally we need reminders that moving forward isn't a failure or a free pass for those who have hurt us. We don't need to periodically self destruct and dig at scars to reopen them just as a reminder of what we have been through. It didn't take long into this healing process for me to learn that perpetual agony is exhausting. You can't change the past, so why live in it? It is ok to be happy. It is ok to forgive someone --- if they have earned forgiveness by their actions. <br /><br />Three years ago, going against everything I believed was right, I gave him a second chance. Now, I'm thankful every day that we gave each other another chance and worked to overcome the devestation that seemed insurmountable. I still have my times of doubt, who wouldn't? I still wonder how someone so amazing could fall so low and do what he did. I often wish that we could go back to the days when trusted completely. But those days are gone. We live, we learn, and we move forward. <br /><br />I have never felt so loved, and this love is stronger due to the fire we crawled through together to get here. <br /><br />My thoughts for those who have decided to stay: you obviously love this man and see some redeeming qualities in him, so if things are getting better, let them. If your husband is working his ass off to prove to you that he is a better man, let him. Sometimes people make mistakes and if they are truly sorry you will see it in their actions. It is ok to forgive and move forward without dragging the pain of the past behind you. random thoughtsnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-46154705931272705792017-06-16T17:42:00.578-04:002017-06-16T17:42:00.578-04:00Steam, thank you for the post about Esther Perel&#...Steam, thank you for the post about Esther Perel's audio series. I listened to three of them yesterday and the latest one that came out today. I was most impacted by "I've Had Better". Hearing the wife say how much she had given up for her husband and how his actions flew in the face of that felt familiar to me. But I also heard a lot that hit home in "The Addict". My husband had a porn addiction that developed somewhere around 8 years into our relationship but never acted out with another live human except the OW. Who knows how it would have progressed if he hadn't been found out. Hearing another person explain the addiction and the compartmentalization was helpful to me. It was one more reminder outside of the BWC telling us we're not alone. <br />Dandelionhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07422695784998995973noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-6638054015963623772017-06-16T11:06:53.914-04:002017-06-16T11:06:53.914-04:00Steam, For me seeing how this still affects him is...Steam, For me seeing how this still affects him is revealing. He is hit by pretty much every trigger I am. He shows it differently. He keeps it in. But if I bring it up he jumps in "me too". For me I try to bring up what I can in advance it helps me and I think helps him too. But guilt and shame is hard. He said the other day he is starting to feel better about himself. He is gaining more personal insight, using it for better and also making better choices he is happy with. That is the key I told him I do not want him making choices just to make me happy. But he is finding if he makes good choices then he is happy and I am too. <br /><br />I am going to look those up on Amazon Prime. Thanks for the tip. They sound really interesting. I wonder if we could have a tab for links or suggestions for links to podcasts, websites, books, audio files really anything like this. It can be hard when I see it in a post and then forget to write it down. Just an idea.Hopeful 30noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-69811393422944683322017-06-15T00:52:59.010-04:002017-06-15T00:52:59.010-04:00Hopeful-true. I do wonder how the hell he did it f...Hopeful-true. I do wonder how the hell he did it for as long as he did. God. How can they do that? Come home daily just covered in lies. Whereas me? I ran. Could not live with the guilt. And I did nothing. And wonder if I would have if given the chance.<br /><br /> I don't beat myself up and I'm not consumed by the guilt. I just think I know that for most, including our husbands--most of them, they have GOT to feel some guilt whether we remind them or not.<br /><br /> I have missed the Esther Perel video but while looking for it I have found I can listen to her audio series "where should we begin" on "audible" for free through Amazon prime. There may be other ways to listen and it's worth researching if you don't have Amazon. . Two chapters have me enthralled. One is "I've had better" but the third one "the addict" had me exclaiming out loud while listening in my headphones. I can't even give it justice, except to tell you it's a couples therapy session and the man has been cheatinging for most if not all of their married life. It's obvious both partners are committed to healing, and yet it's STILL so difficult. I have some issues with Esther Perel for sure. But her approach is mostly brilliant. We are so not alone, all of us here. There are people in every corner of the globe who go through this. And we here are lucky to have found each other. Steamnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-157661821544609882017-06-14T16:34:43.912-04:002017-06-14T16:34:43.912-04:00Thank you everyone. This really is the such a welc...Thank you everyone. This really is the such a welcoming place. I take every word you say to heart. We started talking briefly today but ran out of time. For him when he is not with me he feels such guilt and worries about me so much. Good for him he sees the damage and knows what he did was so wrong. I told him I am not worried about any transgressions at this point. I am focused on the bigger picture of his ability to make quality decisions, watch out for himself and follow my boundaries. Even if that means he is out of town I do not want him calling me sad and upset he is not home. I told him he can take any trip he wants but I cannot stay married to someone that does that. If he does not want to go on the trip then don't, if he cannot drink the don't etc. I do think that it would be helpful for him to see someone to address this. From what I can tell all of his decisions, reactions and behaviors are all out of guilt and worry over me. I am far from acting upset at him. I have reasonable expectations. More conversations to be had tonight. Thanks again for the support, ideas and positive thoughts.<br /><br />Beach Girl thinking of you on year two of dday.Hopeful 30noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-41960797143233216862017-06-14T15:59:21.116-04:002017-06-14T15:59:21.116-04:00Wow Beach Girl, This was really helpful for me to ...Wow Beach Girl, This was really helpful for me to read today:<br />"When I find myself feeling resentment about my life with him I try to change the focus and often succeed in seeing things that I would not have done or experienced without our partnership."<br />I've been struggling a lot with resentment lately, and this really helped me re-frame. Thanks!Salnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-2734329215371625712017-06-14T15:16:20.417-04:002017-06-14T15:16:20.417-04:00Hopeful30,
This seems to be a recurring situation ...Hopeful30,<br />This seems to be a recurring situation in your marriage -- your husband's difficulty truly acknowledging the pain he has caused you. There's a disconnect there that you pick up on and it's getting in the way (rightfully so!) of you being able to move past this.<br />My husband tends to be like yours -- he has great empathy for others' pain because he didn't cause it. It took a lot of years (and prodding by our marriage counsellor) to be able to really take responsibility for the pain he brought to me and to be able to let me feel it without turning away from it, without minimizing it, or deflecting it. <br />You've noted a few times that that's still a real stumbling block for your husband. He seems to pay lip service to the pain he's caused you but when you bring it up, or set parameters (such as not wanting to discuss a certain situation for whatever reason), he struggles with that. <br />And that, in a nutshell, is why I think he needs to see someone. He's masterful at tucking his behaviour away and dismissing your pain. Even your concern about his "friends" is legitimate and your concerns should be listened to and considered. Instead, he plays it off as if he's being magnanimous by seeing the good in them. I suspect that by hanging around ne'er do wells, it makes him feel a bit better about himself. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-55477492043465078592017-06-14T14:18:09.124-04:002017-06-14T14:18:09.124-04:00Hopeful 30, look at how many therapists have a the...Hopeful 30, look at how many therapists have a therapist - Brene Brown, for example, writes about her sessions with her therapist in her books. I am in health care (but not specifically mental health) and so my H tried to convince our MC in one of our first sessions that because of my training I had the knowledge to game the system and make it seem like I was mentally healthy and he was not. Give me a break! browneyedgirlnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-28784640508283999572017-06-14T13:51:47.185-04:002017-06-14T13:51:47.185-04:00Katie 73
I'm so appalled by the very thought o...Katie 73<br />I'm so appalled by the very thought of him suggesting you remain roommates when he plans to carry on his affair and the children are still in the home! Omg! What a selfish piece of man he is! I'm so sorry you had to find this blog but believe me, we all understand how confused and conflicted this mess has caused us all to feel! I'm not going to say what is right or wrong for you but I do know that this situation can't be healthy for you or your children and I could care less about what your h needs at this time, it's not about him or his needs or his comfort! He made this mess and he needs to man up and help you through it and that can't possibly happen as long as he is continuing to pursue his ow! I'm so sorry you're in such a terrible place but you have got to focus on you and what you know will be best for your children! He's obviously still thinking with the brain between his legs or the dimwit would know how unrealistic it is to just 'kick the can' down the road for a year! I could barely stand to be in the same space for the first few months post dday and my h made it clear to me that he had ended his affair! I'm so sorry he put you in this situation! I know how hard it is to just breathe in those early days! Please do what feels right for you even if it's only temporary! I'm sending you hugs and will definitely send a prayer for your family!Theresahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11767712425596090138noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-51327848723823884042017-06-14T11:07:41.815-04:002017-06-14T11:07:41.815-04:00Katie73, I am sorry for your situation. I am shock...Katie73, I am sorry for your situation. I am shocked at the audacity of your spouse thinking he can stay in the house and carry on with his affair partner while expecting you to roll over and play dead. Years ago Marlo Thomas made a children's album and one song had a line that said, "some kind of help is the kind of help we can all do without" and honestly I can say that if my spouse wanted to live under my roof while carrying on with another woman I'd probably cut up all of his clothes, put his phone in the freezer, key his car, ask a friend with a firearm to take his computer out and shoot it and then put rat poison in his food. (All that without actually thinking about ways to harm him.) Your heart deserves better and so do your children. Please see an attorney right away. Find a good therapist. Know that you deserve so much better than what he is offering you. Get him the hell out of your house. Let him suffer and squirm and explain to the world why he can't live at home anymore. Welcome to the club nobody ever wanted to join. We've all been down dark roads we never thought we would go down. We were drug down those roads. Some of us are still married and working to build a better life with a spouse who says they want the same and others were forced against their will to find a better/different life. Some are still making decisions about their next best step as Elle puts it so nicely. We are all in pain at times. We are all seeking acceptance and understanding here and just knowing we have a safe place to "be heard" makes my day. Breath deep and accept our welcoming hugs.Beach Girlnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-55132906503393671732017-06-14T10:50:30.632-04:002017-06-14T10:50:30.632-04:00Hopeful 30, I hear you. Honestly, other than not g...Hopeful 30, I hear you. Honestly, other than not going to therapy, my husband is probably doing pretty well overall. Today is our 2 year D-day. I'm actually pretty calm. I've been thinking that this day is both the best and worst day of our lives. I asked him if that is how he felt this morning and he said, "yes". Your spouse is deluding himself if he thinks he doesn't need therapy just because he is a therapist and your therapist is way off base saying that your husband would not benefit because the truth is we all benefit from therapy and your husband just doesn't want to look at himself deeply. I am also a clinician but have a specialty that is not in marriage so when my husband has said over the past, "you know this and you understand this" I just say, "No, no I don't because you know that my area of expertise is ---". In reality, all of my colleagues have been in counseling and many continue to seek professional support because of secondary trauma. My husband did see a therapist early on and feels like he has a good handle on himself but after listening to that Ester Perel marriage interview it is clear to me that until and unless our spouses hear a professional tell them what they are doing incorrectly and teach them how to respond properly to our pain, it will be a long road. My husband has said he would go back to counseling if I wanted to and he has also said he has not ruled it out in the future but his shame and remorse is deep and he has admitted to still thinking about suicide at times. I'm working on how to meet my own needs when I fall into a funk. When I find myself feeling resentment about my life with him I try to change the focus and often succeed in seeing things that I would not have done or experienced without our partnership. Things that do not include marriage intimacy. Things like all the places we've gone, the family we have made and my advanced education. Those things required two of us and many of the things in my past were only possible because of his income and job because I lived away from home three days a week to complete my graduate work in a specialized field. For two years he did not travel as he had to take care of our three school aged kids. It was a good experience for him and the kids although it was stressful. I put my life on hold when he went to grad school so he could focus while I picked up the slack at home too. So in the big picture we were there for each other many times. I have no suggestions for you except some that I might not be able to take myself. Today, I feel calm and accepting of the imperfect man I married whose life with a domineering, angry and strict father and narcissistic, neglectful and manipulative mother gave him a terrible foundation for life. I didn't cause it and I can't fix it but I do understand how he, as a young child, came to the conclusion that he was on his own for everything. He and I both have high ACES scores and when his ACES met my ACES, it wasn't pretty. He has told me that he feels ashamed about his past behavior and always felt ashamed. He never wants to go there again and it is known that there are many other paths to take if life gets stressful for him again. He doesn't drink much anymore and has not been drunk since D-day. I'm not sure how many times I've read every single blog post on this site but they always help me when I go back to read/reflect. Wishing we could sit down often together, you and me. Love you and hugs too. <br />Beach Girlnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-48408253384689732072017-06-14T10:21:36.493-04:002017-06-14T10:21:36.493-04:00Thanks Elle, in the link BG shared about 1/2 way t...Thanks Elle, in the link BG shared about 1/2 way through was a taped counseling session and CH who (like mine) did take accountability, but it was all the H saying 'I feel like $h!t for what I did', 'I have to live with what I did every day', etc. Esther stops him in his tracks and says you are still making it all about you, look @ your BW and say 'I can't even begin to imagine how much pain you are in'. BINGO! That is what I needed too. My H apologized right away, a few weeks later took accountability but it has taken us months of MC for all 3 of us to finally get to the eureka moment that I needed him to have empathy for me and supplement accountability with compassion. In other words accountability is necessary for healing but it is not the final step. That recording is an eye opener - I wish we could have had one of those appointments with her! browneyedgirlnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-39871547095275538802017-06-13T17:59:40.840-04:002017-06-13T17:59:40.840-04:00I understand what you are saying completely. And o...I understand what you are saying completely. And of course you did nothing wrong never acting on it. But I think about it all the time how did my husband live like this for 10 years and how is he still okay with himself. I know he feels it based on how he lives, what he says and his actions. But what I have determined is we are two very different people. We were raised so differently I found out much too late to make a difference. I can tell my kids from way before they were teenagers knew what he did was wrong. They are mortified and hardest on themselves. They do not need anyone to tell them what is wrong. He pushes the envelope and watches out for himself first. He has said he was screaming in his head "no do not do this, this is a huge mistake" as he was kissing both of his affair partners. He knew it was wrong but he wanted to do it, he deserved it...Hopeful 30noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-46220596233662838872017-06-13T17:54:18.402-04:002017-06-13T17:54:18.402-04:00Thank you Beach Girl for your reply! It means the ...Thank you Beach Girl for your reply! It means the world to me. Lately I am struggling with a lot of resentment towards my husband. He brought up one couples trip we took long ago. One of his friends threatened to send his wife home. He brought that up just the other day. I told him I did not want to talk about the trip. At that time he was heavy into both affairs, IM'ing at least a dozen women (or least people pretending to be women), active on his secret fb page and his secret email. When I tried to talk with him about anything level headed he turned on me and told me how I was being too sensitive, too emotional, worrying too much, not having fun, and I needed to change. I am not sure if he understands that long term damage he has done. It goes so far beyond the cheating. That is just another layer for me. And I sure he was acting that way since he was being defensive and telling himself all those negative things about me otherwise how could he justify all of the things he was doing. But when I said I would prefer not to talk about it since we were on our way somewhere and going to arrive soon he turned it back to this other couple and said imagine how she felt and feels today. I almost lost it on him. I am still struggling. This is how he has always been. I feel like he is more likely to empathize and worries more about others. I could care less about his friends wife honestly. So what he is a drunk and a jerk. I continue to bring up who he surrounds himself with. And another case I told him I did not want to spend time with one of his friends. I do not like how much he lies in all aspects of his life but especially to his wife and he does not treat my husband like a friend. And he told me he is trying to see him in the best light.<br /><br />In general it is just bringing up a lot of resentment towards him. I am resentful too that he refused to go to therapy with me or go himself. My therapist has told me he doubts my husband would benefit due to the level of his training he would most likely go through the motions. This is becoming a real struggle with me and causing me to push him away and to distance myself.Hopeful 30noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-55710756750551223922017-06-13T14:17:07.688-04:002017-06-13T14:17:07.688-04:00Katie73, I'm glad you found us. And please don...Katie73, I'm glad you found us. And please don't think this site is just for those who chose to rebuild their marriages. There are many on this site who have opted to leave (or who have had that choice forced on them). All are welcome. We are all here to heal and move forward, whatever that looks like.<br />While I admire you calm, I suspect it hides a mountain of pain. And your pain matters, Katie73. I know how concerned you are for your kids and that's no doubt a big part of your pain. But as much as it kills us parents, we can't protect our kids from pain in life. We can only promise them that we'll be right there with them as they go through it. And to show them that they will be okay. That it's possible to feel pain and heal from it. And that, no matter what, they are loved by both parents.<br />I wouldn't tell them anymore than is necessary. It's tempting, I know, to not want to look like the "bad guy" and to let your husband own the responsibility. But I think, when possible, it's better to spare your kids the details. It's enough for them to know that marriages dissolve for many reasons and that you've decided to dissolve yours. But that you are both committed and united in loving them. And that you'll do what you can to mitigate any disruption in their lives.<br />And then, Katie 73, figure out what you want. Forget whether it's convenient for your husband to stay in the house, what do YOU want? take some time to get clear on that. You don't owe him anything but honesty. <br />And hang in there. You will get through this. Your kids will get through this. And, I suspect, the day will come when you're relieved to be rid of someone this emotionally stunted. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-55785425984220988652017-06-13T14:09:58.775-04:002017-06-13T14:09:58.775-04:00Kiwichick,
There is not a woman on this site who w...Kiwichick,<br />There is not a woman on this site who would think you were being "unreasonable" to expect the man who promised you fidelity to actually be faithful. He is the one being incredibly "unreasonable" and, I would argue, emotionally abusive to you. To expect you to put up with this is cruel. To not feel compassion for the pain you're in is cruel. He is an incredibly cruel man who, I've no doubt, has convinced himself that this woman "needs" him in a way that you don't, therefore it's okay to emotionally abandon you.<br />You get to set the boundaries for any relationship you're in. ANY relationship. If you don't want him with other women (which is pretty much what most of expect of our partner), then you don't have to put up with it. Doesn't matter what anyone else things, YOU get to decide what you do and do not want in a relationship. Your husband gets to decide what he wants. If you don't match wants, then it's virtually impossible to have a satisfying marriage.<br />I think your husband is a classic cake-eater. He wants what he wants and he doesn't want anyone telling him he can't have it.<br />Well, too bad.<br />Kiwichick, I want you to find your self-respect and start insisting on what you want from him. I suspect he's trying to get away with as much as he can get away with.<br />And then, I want you to really think about what YOU get out of your marriage. Not just the longevity but the day-to-day relationship. How does he make your life better by being in it? See what you can come up with. <br />And I'm sorry if I sound harsh. I want to smack your husband hard. But please know that I'm so sorry for what he's putting you through. You do NOT deserve this treatment. And I hope you know that. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-54530673540158004892017-06-13T14:03:20.747-04:002017-06-13T14:03:20.747-04:00I love stories like this, Jules. I'm glad he r...I love stories like this, Jules. I'm glad he really recognizes what he stands to lose. Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.com