tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post8838537920946473822..comments2024-03-28T19:25:37.448-04:00Comments on Betrayed Wives' Club: Healing From Betrayal: Why We Must Tell Our StoryEllehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comBlogger22125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-17551421045583365642021-11-19T02:06:25.785-05:002021-11-19T02:06:25.785-05:00Yesterday was really bad day for me, 8 months afte...Yesterday was really bad day for me, 8 months after, like it happend again...Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03115056724601449818noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-219893159108960212017-03-14T23:42:13.035-04:002017-03-14T23:42:13.035-04:00I just came across this blog as I put in my google...I just came across this blog as I put in my google search "Why do I still get filled with rage after my husband's infidelity." The blog and comments were very helpful. I am one of the lucky ones in that my husband is doing all that he can to make our marriage better, stronger etc. For some reason though, when I feel inadequate, I start to blame the OW then I hate myself for that then the self-loathing starts. I've been in individual counseling since learning of the affair and we were in couples' counseling off and on for a long time as well. He even sees a personal counselor. I guess by reading this blog, other blogs and articles, that this is "normal" but I need to work on WHY and HOW to deal with the anger. He found out a lot of really bad things about the OW (a former co-worker) and so he's dealing with that - questioning why he didn't see these personality traits in her etc. I need to learn to really forgive and to let go of my anger. We just celebrated our 25th anniversary and he's taking me on a special trip for my birthday this summer. I am truly blessed that I'm married to someone who, in the end, is very remorseful for what he's done and I need to just let it be. I need to remind myself that he chose ME, not the OW, but ME. He chose me because he loves me, because he likes me and cherishes what I bring to our marriage. The affair rocked my world in the worst possible way - no doubt about it. I just want to let go of the rage and anger I feel toward the OW, not toward him, and for feeling so awful about myself for feeling this way about another person. A person who lied, said and did things to make my husband believe she was better for him than me, wanted him to run away from his job and family, all sorts of crazy things. I am in awe that my husband is still here - that in the end, he wanted to stay married and that I wanted to stay married. It's been tough and we sometimes still fight about stuff and I don't like that either. We just had a horrible fight and in the end, I bring up the affair when actually, it really didn't feel like that was right. I was feeling insecure and so I pushed those feelings onto the OW even though she's been out of his life for almost a year now. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-5432531116279146842016-07-22T17:21:36.051-04:002016-07-22T17:21:36.051-04:00Thank you Elle for sending me the link to this fee...Thank you Elle for sending me the link to this feed. I thought I was going crazy with this PTSD symptoms. I sent it to my husband to read and hoping that he will begin to understand. The link to flashback management had some good tips.In Search of Mehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17391372292945612871noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-28864291526538220472015-05-25T12:02:52.512-04:002015-05-25T12:02:52.512-04:00Since PTSD is being mentioned, I'd like to pas...Since PTSD is being mentioned, I'd like to pass on a book recommendation: Pete Walker's book about Complex-PTSD. (The complex form is from extended trauma, like an abusive childhood, which I had, but both PTSD and Complex-PTSD share a lot of the same symptoms). I read his book before I found out about my husband's cheating because I was trying to deal with recovering from my extremely abusive childhood, and the same stuff has helped me in dealing with the fallout from D-day.<br /><br />Also, check out his website here, scroll down to "emotional flashback management". His technique has been invaluable for me. Emotional flashbacks used to take me days to come out of, now I can usually recover from one in hours.<br /><br />http://www.pete-walker.com/flashbackManagement.htm<br /><br />I hope that helps someone!<br /><br />~GeeAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-76067517960104897902014-01-03T14:11:11.252-05:002014-01-03T14:11:11.252-05:00He doesn't have to be "like" you to ...He doesn't have to be "like" you to recognize that you've been deeply wounded by him…and that he needs to do whatever it takes to help heal that hurt. It's really that simple. He seems a master at putting his needs before yours. Not any more.<br /><br />ElleEllehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-27125312550549308202014-01-02T01:13:44.724-05:002014-01-02T01:13:44.724-05:00Hi Elle.. my husband said that.. he is a man. He i...Hi Elle.. my husband said that.. he is a man. He is not like me. He does not need to talk about it.<br /><br />Which brought me to the question of .. how would betrayed husbands handle betrayal? <br /><br />He hates moments when I bring anything about what happened up.. he always says that it 'spoils the mood' or any good time we may seem to be having.<br /><br />He finds it so hard to be patient to sit through me crying and having to keep hearing certain things or to have to say certain things repeatedly.. but that said.. is there a standard way of how the WS deals with the BS? <br /><br />I would like to think that there is still an ounce of conscience in him.. but he did say very hurtful things to me in the past month but i dont know.. is him forcing himself to make things somehow work.. a bad thing? Sigh.lissnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-51830026674805703672013-12-02T16:39:39.363-05:002013-12-02T16:39:39.363-05:00Jen,
Three months is still incredibly new. I know ...Jen,<br />Three months is still incredibly new. I know it seems like a long time. But at three months I think you're still processing your new reality. <br />I know that feeling of wanting to be with your husband all the time -- to cling to that. But yes, you will be okay, even on days when you're not so sure. Don't worry about the 26th mile of this marathon. One foot in front of the other will get you there.<br /><br />ElleEllehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-90756839046443287432013-12-02T15:48:58.927-05:002013-12-02T15:48:58.927-05:00I'm very sorry for your loss. I am 3 months o...I'm very sorry for your loss. I am 3 months out, and after an initial upsurge in confidence that things are going to be OK, I am struggling still. I just want to be with my husband all day long, but with both of our schedules, it is hard to find any time during most days.<br /><br />Today is a bad day, and I'm not sure why. Except that I feel the dread that the rug is going to be pulled out from under me again. I think that I should be asking for reaffirmation from my husband, but he is also going through a pretty scary stage of grief, and is not able to be there for me as much as I would like. It leaves me feeling sad and rather isolated, as you describe. I wish that I could say something, anything more comforting than "you are not alone, and you will be be OK". I hear this, and know it to be true at some level, but it is hard to FEEL that one will be OK on days like this. Hang in there.<br /><br />I'm not a very patient person- thinking about running a marathon is rather daunting for me today.<br /><br />JenAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-18965011204468743432013-11-18T09:27:20.518-05:002013-11-18T09:27:20.518-05:00Welcome…and I'm so sorry you need to be here.
...Welcome…and I'm so sorry you need to be here.<br />This is pretty raw for you. I can remember that feeling of believing I needed to be with him every minute to assure myself that nothing was happening. Be gentle with yourself. You've experienced huge trauma. Try not to obsess about the OW (you'll find lots of stuff on this site to help you with this). And give yourself time to get over the shock before you focus on making things "right". This is a marathon, not a sprint.<br /><br />ElleEllehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-30822159996217483052013-11-17T02:12:12.810-05:002013-11-17T02:12:12.810-05:00Thank you so much for this site. I just found out ...Thank you so much for this site. I just found out on October 4th and am feeling.very lost. I don't have any friends that have gone thru this. I feel that I have to be with my husband every day all day. I think I might be trying to hard to make things right again. When I'm not with him I think to much about the ow. At this point I'm just completely clueless and feel very lonely.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-15457820413987681512013-11-12T09:06:56.334-05:002013-11-12T09:06:56.334-05:00Jane,
The fact that your friend isn't contacti...Jane,<br />The fact that your friend isn't contacting you and only sees you as a couple speaks volumes to me. I doubt she's truly healed from her husband's betrayal and would find your pain too much to bear. I had a similar experience with a friend of mine. She was quite impatient with me as I struggled to understand my husband's betrayal. She had left her husband after an affair. It was only years later that she confessed to me that it took her years to get over the devastation, long after she'd left him, because she chose to simply "forget" about it. Our bodies don't forget. They hang on to trauma, which is why we need to exorcise it. To replace it with understanding.<br />Your husband is also unfair to expect you to respond the same way to what he's done. It's common -- most of these guys would prefer to just move past what they did. But it's unreasonable and unrealistic. And ultimately unhealthy.<br /><br />Elle<br /><br />Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-3779147066138245902013-11-12T03:38:01.365-05:002013-11-12T03:38:01.365-05:00I just re read this today. Certain parts of this ...I just re read this today. Certain parts of this site are more meaningful as I go through my journey. That's why this site is so great. I read it every day. Thank you for being here.<br />A friends husband had an affair over 6 years ago and came through with a stronger marriage, she did not ask questions and thinks I'm wrong to. (she is also a friend that has kept away from me and does not contact me, only seeing me in couples) My husband did make the comment that they worked through it without talking about every point, so why do I need to! I said that everyone is different. I'm confused-if you rob a bank or commit murder and get caught you have to account for your actions. So why is it different for a cheater?? <br />He is trying really hard, and says he made a mistake and wishes he could turn back the clock. But it was not one occasion. It lasted 7 months. Each action, phone call, text, meeting was a mistake he knew it was wrong. He is a grown up and understands right from wrong.<br />Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10958445883652343975noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-9859217252480781442013-11-07T08:10:13.254-05:002013-11-07T08:10:13.254-05:00justAgirl,
You're absolutely not alone. We all...justAgirl,<br />You're absolutely not alone. We all know that feeling where you're having a good day (finally!) and then something pops into your head, or you hear a certain song, or see a certain model car, or remember a certain moment and -- wham! -- you're right back there. That's a consequence of PTSD, which many of us experience. You experience those thoughts as IF IT'S STILL HAPPENING…but it's not. Remind yourself that you are safe, that it's over, that you're okay. They will get fewer and further between until you can think about it without very little emotion at all. It becomes simply part of your story, a painful part, but a part that isn't without its gifts, too.<br /><br />ElleEllehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-84090021851482606802013-11-06T16:04:53.936-05:002013-11-06T16:04:53.936-05:00I have days or weeks even that I seem to be..ok. B...I have days or weeks even that I seem to be..ok. But then there are days like today, where out of left field I get slammed with a flashback or even the smallest memory of the trauma and BOOM...the tears start rolling out. So its days like today that I come to this site, I've read and reread some of the articles to help remind me that I'm not alone and that this part of my life won't always be so bad. I'm still dealing with humiliation of staying in my relationship at times. I don't know sometimes from day to day whether or not it will last or if I'll learn something new that will hurt me once again...but nonetheless this site has gotten me through many a bad day.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-83503646148126433172013-09-20T09:38:59.129-04:002013-09-20T09:38:59.129-04:00Yay! I'm glad to hear. It's amazing how mu...Yay! I'm glad to hear. It's amazing how much better we feel after hearing the story. Inevitably, what happened was never as exciting or wonderful as what we imagined happened.<br /><br />ElleEllehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-49876904834829362482013-09-19T16:05:49.002-04:002013-09-19T16:05:49.002-04:00Me too! I didn't want to talk about it I didn&...Me too! I didn't want to talk about it I didn't want to be reminded of the pain I was going thru to the point I left so many unanswer questions out. I realized that in order for me to move on I needed to know those painful answers and talk about it.....I was in so much shock that I forgot most of the text messages I read between my husband and the OW I refused to go to that place but now that I know the whole truth and that he done with her I am ready to move on and start the process of forgiveness.gabsnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-67652182758315392522013-09-13T21:44:00.898-04:002013-09-13T21:44:00.898-04:00Bobbi,
I resisted it too. It felt "dramatic&...Bobbi,<br /><br />I resisted it too. It felt "dramatic" to me. I kept thinking: I haven't been raped. I haven't been to war. But once you examine what prompts a trauma response, betrayal fits the bill. Once I could allow myself to respond as if it was trauma, my healing sped up and I was able to extend more compassion to myself, and my husband.<br /><br />ElleEllehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-28726016385448653482013-09-13T17:21:17.535-04:002013-09-13T17:21:17.535-04:00Thank you for writing this. It's something tha...Thank you for writing this. It's something that I needed. I have been trying to talk about my trauma and sometimes people just don't want to hear it. And it hurts. It feels good to know I am not being nutty.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11572732285780526423noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-47024106367217158292013-09-13T10:32:39.840-04:002013-09-13T10:32:39.840-04:00Thank-you, thank-you, thank-you for this comment. ...Thank-you, thank-you, thank-you for this comment. I think I'm going to cry. If just one guy (you!!) recognizes his wife's trauma/pain and understands how he can truly help her past it, then my life's work is done. <br />One caveat: this might play out over and over again. Unfortunately, it isn't magically healed with one "I'm sorry." But consistently, over time, those "I'm sorry"s become less necessary because she comes to truly know you're sorry. To recognize that you would un-do your choices if you could and that you don't ever want to hurt her like that again. And that's when true healing takes place and your marriage becomes so much deeper.Ellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13470499558973726796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-11649527714541100782013-09-13T08:09:48.979-04:002013-09-13T08:09:48.979-04:00My wife asked me to read this and I should have re...My wife asked me to read this and I should have read it right away. It's right on for both side's. I have to call my wife and tell here I am sorry.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-24534490131750501442013-09-12T19:08:48.532-04:002013-09-12T19:08:48.532-04:00This is an excellent article and I agree with Barb...This is an excellent article and I agree with Barb about this blog being a life-line to surviving this hell. I have probably gotten more help from this blog than I have going to my personal counselor in addition to couples' counseling with my husband, trying to sort this mess out. My husband has also started with his own counselor, so hopefully 3 counselors between the two of us will help our marriage survive, and for me, to find myself again. So thank you Elle and everyone who has shared your pain, triumphs, and fears.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7026450255174007652.post-2008393211900411632013-09-11T13:08:21.840-04:002013-09-11T13:08:21.840-04:00This is a great post. I am 18 months out from the ...This is a great post. I am 18 months out from the 1st D day and 8 months out from final D day trauma. I have wanted to post my story, but haven't done it yet. Maybe I will now after reading this post. Your site has been a life-line to me. Thank you for sharing your own trauma. Barbhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16169883243159008581noreply@blogger.com