My wish for all of you is that you're able to create even the teensiest bit of peace for yourselves.
I wish you the ability to breathe through the pain, to trust that you are strong enough to weather this, and offer the assurance that you've got a sisterhood of wise, wonderful, whole-hearted women who will guide you through this even as they navigate their own pain.
Here's your holiday to-do list, ladies:
•Be gentle with yourselves.
•Keep your hearts open to look for the slivers of light that show up even when your days feel unbearably dark. Keep a journal of moments that give you hope.
•Stick to your boundaries. They are there to keep you safe and to remind you to always honour yourself and your feelings.
•Steer clear of excessive anything – booze, drugs, food, shopping, exercise, gambling, sex. Strive for simplicity and self-control. I know, not easy. But try.
•Forgive yourself. For being sad when our culture tells us this is a "happy" time of year. For being confused about what's next. For not kicking him out when you said this was a deal-breaker. For kicking him out when you thought you could forgive him. Forgive yourself for hurting. Forgive yourself for yelling at him. Give yourself the gift of forgiveness this holiday.
•Trust that this time next year, you'll be further along in your healing.
Merry Christmas Elle! I am so glad to have come across this site, despite the circumstances that brought me here. 4 months since D Day after 20 years of marriage and I just keep telling myself to get through the holidays for the kids. I don't have to make decisions just yet. I needed to hear "look for slivers of light during this dark time." I'm so thankful for beautiful children to focus on during the holidays, showing me what really is important in life. Being present for them and spending time together as a family. Who knows what next year holds, but I can only focus on the day at hand. Hopefully each day that goes by will be a little easier, bringing with it peace.
ReplyDeleteHurting in AZ,
DeleteThat will serve you well. Just stay in the moment, savouring what you can. Reminding yourself that you will weather this and come out wiser and more aware of your own strength. And yes, you get to choose what's next but only when you're ready. And in baby steps. Your next right step. That's all you need to know.
Elle - thank you for this site and thank you everyone for being there for the last 4 months - the worst of my life. I will simply try and get through today and spending it without my husband, but will raise a glass to 2016 being a better year, whether that's with or without him. Elle - your final note on this post is what will keep me going today. Love and peace to you all.
ReplyDeleteLove and peace back to you. I hope the day was better than you expected. Maybe being without your husband is a good thing. Painful yes, but now there's room in your life to get clear on what feels right for you. With him or without him, I think 2016 will be a better year.
DeleteMy oldest is in the psych ward for the fourth time in 2 months b/c smoked pot laced with Spice. She thought it was natural pot.
ReplyDeleteShe also struggles with a severe eating disorder.
She is going to a group home and I just laid in bed and cried all day yesterday and watched movies and took naps. I didn't feel very Merry.
She almost died. She's still having paranoid delusions, hallucinations ...etc.
I'm just heartbroken. She was homeschooled and a high achiever and is a gifted artist who ran her own art business on ebay for years. And to see her not be able to function b/c of this is enough to tear by heart out.
She'll be going to a group home for a while and she said she wants to get her life in order. We just can't handle it b/c she tried to swallow a bottle of pills a couple of weeks ago. The mental health in this country sucks.
So...I'm trying to hang to, "God is able to do above all that we ask or think." And I'm trying to be strong for my youngest two.
Yesterday, I took naps a lot, watched Netflix and cried a lot.
She could really use your prayers.
Thank you Elle for you site and your articles. You've got a sweet bunch here.
Anne from VA
Anne from VA,
DeleteMy heart is breaking for you. What kept me sane (relatively speaking) in the days following learning of my husband's cheating was that I kept reminding myself that I had three healthy kids. I clung to that like a life-raft. And now you've got to be strong for a daughter who's in her own excruciating pain. And for two others.
Please please take really good care of yourself so that you can be the rock they need. To show your daughter that the world can feel like hell but we can stay rooted in our own integrity and honesty and love.
I'll be thinking of you Anne from VA and sending your prayers and all the strength I can. Please keep us posted.
Anne from Va
DeleteI have lifted you and your family up in prayer this morning! God will bring you through the storm raging in your life! One day at a time! Hugs and love for you!
Anne from VA
DeleteSorry you are having such a difficult time. Stay strong, you will survive this just like you survived everything else life has thrown your way. Thinking of you.
TYVM for the prayers ya'll. We're in a holding pattern to see if her insurance co. will pay for the group home. She was crying saying that she'd be homesick and I told her we'd be able to visit her and eventually bring her home for a weekend.
DeleteThe Spice has really F'd her up. They can't even find meds that will help calm her down.
I think this is worse than finding out AT Christmas time in 2006, that my hubby was a porn addict. I suffered through a lot of shit growing up, but watching one of my kids suffer like this is new for me. We've had her to therapy for the ED and she was in a good place and then some idiot introduced her to pot for her anxiety.
The w/d from Spice are volatile. She took off in November and we didn't know where she was for two days. And then we got a call from a psych ward an hour from my house b/c she had called 911 b/c she had panic attacks. God...when I saw they had called at 5am, I thought it was the morgue.
I think if she has time away to get her life in order, she would do great. Please pray the insurance will cover it. Thanks ya'll and God Bless.
Anne from VA
Anne from Va,
DeleteI have three people who have passed, and I often find myself praying to them to be guardian angels and watch over my three girls. I will add your daughter and on my knees keep your family in prayer....hold onto your love in these darkest times and despite your grief may you become her lighthouse.
Much love and prayers for all here
v
I can't handle her violent outbursts any more but my hubby will go soft when she starts crying at the family meetings. She's physically hit me and tried to punch my younger son.
DeleteI told the family case worker the LAST time she couldn't come home and we gave in and in five days she was back in. I can't handle it anymore and it think she needs long term care.
I'm just heartbroken over it all. And it's divided my husband and I.
Anne of VA
She's home and doing good so far. She started smoking which helps the anxiety. She's doing the e cigs and she's 18 and is old enough to make up her own mind.
DeleteMy hubby wanted to say no, but she is a lot calmer and they've tried some meds which I think made her more depressed ...etc.
She's up and around and did her make up and wants to go to church tonight.
Ty for the prayers.
Anne of VA
Val,
DeleteI'm so sorry for the people who've lost.
Ty for the prayers.
Anne of VA
Thank you all for the help and support you have given me when I have needed it most. May we all find a little peace this holiday season and strength for the year ahead.
ReplyDeleteSadly, I was served with divorce papers on 10/31. I,sadly, feel like I have lost my support system here because I am in such a different position now. You have been a life line for me over the past couple of years. Any suggestions for a good site to find similar support but for those of us who have been tossed out with the trash?? I know there are bitter, troll filled sites. I do not want anything at all like that. I want to heal. And not be bitter. Anything???
ReplyDeleteI am so very sorry for your pain! I can't imagine how crushed your already bruised heart must feel. I don't know of other blogs besides this one that gives really good love comfort and guidance. Just know that we feel your pain in different ways and you can always vent here and all of us will listen and wrap you in love! Hugs for what you are feeling!
DeleteDear Ella.
DeleteI am sorry. My heart is with you. Please know you are not now and never have been trash. You are valuable and enough just as you are. I do wish you health and healing on your own.
I don't know of the type of site you are looking for. But, I would hope you could still find support in this community. Many of us are struggling to try and repair our marriages, but many of us may not be successful and will still need support and encouragement. We should not hide from this. I think this site offers support to all of us no matter the state of our marriage.
I know most of the conversations focus on marriage repair and healing. I have wondered where are the others.... What lessons and wisdom have they earned when the marriage came to an end. What support and compassion do they need. What can we all learn and share from a broader conversation about the paths that may unfold in our relationships.
Anyway - I hope you don't leave this site. I hope others who share where you are now will bring their voice here as well. Because, I believe we can all learn and support each other no matter where we find ourselves or the path of our marriage.
My love and support are with you
Becky
Ella,
DeleteI have not visited this website I am about to refer - recently but will highly recommend something called Sisterhood of Support by JoAnne Russell RN, BSN, MS. All these women are on the other side and there is no more - reconciliation. They tend the wounds and you will find deep compassion and support. I strongly connected to Dianne (also a theologian - counselor) who is in one of the website video's. I even reached out to her for brief therapy session by skype and email. It was more helpful than any of my 'traditional therapy,' an amazing experience and I maintain contact with her. As over time, I'm become increasingly skeptical of 'counseling' for Betrayed Spouses unless the clinician is truly educated not just supporting standard thinking which shares and even shifts the blame onto the unaware and betrayed partner. I attend a group of betrayed spouses also and openly challenge professionals when necessary to re-evaluate their training and thinking. Working with other betrayed spouses and visiting website's like this one provided by Elle and everyone here has been the true source of my 'healing.'
Ella you will get through and find support keep asking questions!
Shield up sister, Shield up.....
v
Ella,
DeleteI'm so sorry for all the pain you're in. You deserve better.
Please know that you are ALWAYS welcome here. Stay, go, stop and think about it...all are welcome here. We each walk our own path toward healing. I suspect that if you continue to share here, you'll find support for what you're going through and wisdom to guide you along. If you do find another place, in real life or online, that helps you, then please share it with us here as not all betrayed wives are able to or want to rebuild their marriages.
We're thinking of you, Ella. A year from now, you'll be in a different and, I suspect, better place.
I was on the Sisterhood of Support and was told that religion was not welcome and was banned.
DeleteI found that site to be toxic that all men don't change. That was their view.
You also have to pay a monthly fee.
I tried Surviving infidelity but the men on that site spew that anger all over the women and when I defended myself...I got banned lol.
So many sites have a few assholes that ruin it for everyone. I've almost given up.
I post here a few times, but I've found a therapist but not sure how much she knows about sex addiction.
I'm so sorry for the pain you're going through. Once the shock wears off, write down a list of boundaries and one is he either ends the affair or your marriage is over.
Hugs and I'll be praying for ya.
Anne of VA
Oops, I'm sorry, I misread that. I'm sorry you were served with divorce papers.
DeleteI'll be praying for you.
Anne of VA.
Oh Anne. Hoping you will find some peace and you and your daughter will find healing and recovery. Sending you good wishes.
ReplyDelete-MBS
ty..the insurance denied a group home. I just hoping to get her into wrap around care soon. Everyone was out of the office this week.
DeleteWe had her sign a statement saying these are the rules for living here. The only other option was a homeless shelter and I can't turn my back on my daughter. First satan ruined my married with porn and then he started in my on oldest.
She said she wished we had divorced a long time ago. I wish I had the financial means when I found out.
WE set up a plan that she can only eat on a schedule so there is no binge eating...and purging.
She comes home today. Please pray for us. I need the patience of Job.
Anne of VA
Its been a week since I have discovered my husband has been carrying on with another woman for the past two months. We have been together for 15 years and have had our issues and struggled but I was committed to our relationship. My kids are gone on holidays with the inlaws so I am absolutely reeling, I feel like I have gone into an emotional shock. I have cried my face off for the past week had to put on a brave face through Christmas for my children meanwhile on the inside I have had a complete meltdown. So coming across this site has has been my lil sliver of light in the darkness, grieving for what's about to come in my life
ReplyDeleteUnknown
DeleteI'm so sorry you are going through the most mind blowing excruciating pain! We here unfortunately know just how you feel. I can tell you that I would not be here if not for Elle and the other strong women I've met here! Hugs and my best advice is take care of you, read more of these posts and time does wonders.
Unknown,
DeleteI'm post Dday 2 years and found out on Dec. 13th my husband was coming in another woman's mouth for 2 years and more. Technology is great. Anyway over the holidays 2 years ago, I read this site and every comment. Thank goodness Elle still keeps this site up and going. I would stay up with my head literally under the covers and read this site all day and night. It was like I was reading about another planet I just landed on. I found hope, straight talk and learned so much. This site is an encyclopedia of betrayal information. We are listening and know your pain. Just read to get through the holidays. Sometimes I think Elle should make a devotional book out of this site. One story of hope or learning for everyday. Your story may or may not have a happy ending but there are no lies here only understanding.
I'm so sorry you had to find this out at Christmas time! Hugs!
DeleteI found out about my husband's porn addiction at Christmas time 2006.
I will uphold you with my prayers.
Anne from VA
So it has been four days since my kids left on holidays and lots has come to light. After my husband dropped the kids off at the airport he went to the grocery store to grab some stuff to make a meal for us. When he got home we started to watch a movie together and while watching the movie I am having a difficult ignoring the huge white elephant in the room so I asked him if had had any contact with the OW to which he said yes... Well I completely lost it and freaked out and was yelling and screaming at him... At this point I had to leave the house cause I was so angry I needed to leave before I lost control. I was gone for three hours and when I got back he was not home.. So I called him to ask him where he was and to which he replied, "I didn't know where you had gone I thought you might be out getting drunk and I didn't wanna deal with you like that". Keep in mind I am old enough and mature enough to know that getting drunk to deal with your issues is not a constructive way to go about things. So he had decided to pack a suitcase and go to a hotel. I was at home alone losing my mind thinking all kids of awful things. He told me where he was staying so I had to take that at face value. The next day I called him to talk to him and we actually had more conversation over what has happened since I had found out. I was on the phone with him for two hours and I had hung up but then I decided to call him back and while the phone was ringing and he wasn't picking up I had an ephiphany I knew how to get into his answering machine because I knew his passcode...Boy oh boy you should hear the messages that she left on his phone I even got her phone number. Now I have not called her phone nor have I engaged her but I can tell you I sure wanted to. that is actually how I found this site when I did a search on what to say to the other woman. I basically read a few articles to help me not react like a crazy woman. She professed her love to him and lord only knows what he has said about me to her. He admitted to me he gave her a necklace for Christmas and he tried to tell me that he was trying to break it off with her but I tell you what the messages that woman left on his phone were anything but a distraught woman who has been dumped. So I have all this information swirling in my head consuming my thoughts. My husband made an appointment to see a therapist we had seen together in the past and I have made myself an appointment to see a therapist that I have seen in the past. He got to see his therapist and I am still waiting to see mine but he asked me if I wanted him to come with me to which I asked him are you only coming because you are trying to ease me into the very real possibility of us going ur separate ways to which he couldn't answer me. There is so much more to my story and I have a lot more to say and work out. I haven't written anything in years so for me to try and convey what I am think I a cohesive manner maybe lacking somewhat. I think maybe later on I will open up Word program and try and start from the beginning. I keep coming back to this site since I discovered it and I have been reading what other people have said on here to try to help me cope with what is going on. So with that I know I didn't really finish y thoughts in this post but I will come back to it.
DeleteDear unknown
ReplyDeleteSorry for your discovery. This is undoubtedly the hardest thing I have ever dealt with in my life. I am 15 months into coping with this. It does get a little easier as the time goes by. The first months it just consumed my every thought, I couldn't sleep, eat or find hope or enjoyment in things. Don't be hard on yourself. I cried until the tears just dried up slowly. I still cry lots but not every minute. I would drop my kids at school and cry all the way back home, lie on my bed or the sofa and then when it was time to get them dry the tears and pick them up. If your kids are on holidays then use this time to just look after you - rest when you can, eat what you can and know that whatever happens, whatever you decide to do you will be ok. Read the old posts on this site, they really help. At first I found it really difficult to read all the other people's comments because reading everyone's pain just made mine hurt even more so I would just read the things Elle posted, I read all of them so many times. It gave me such comfort. Then when I was stronger I read more and found a different level of comfort from all the other women. There is so much support here, we all know how you feel. Three really important things I learnt. 1. You will be ok ( even if it doesn't feel like it at the moment, I never thought I would survive this but I do it one day at a time and when I need to one minute at a time. ) 2. this is not your fault and 3. You only need to decide on your next right step ( it's like learning to walk take one step then when you have taken that step think about the next one, there's no rush take your time you don't have to keep taking steps stand a while and think). Elle has said all these things and more so much better than I ever could in her posts. There are so many of us here when it all feels too hard. Look after yourself and my thoughts are with you.
Alone, those three things you learned are really all you need to learn. You will be okay. This is not your fault. And, whatever is happening in your life -- career, parenting, eldercare, etc. -- simply figuring out your next right step will get you there with integrity and less drama.
DeleteThanks for sharing that.
First... THANK YOU for this!! I have been feeling so alone and lost the last couple of weeks.
ReplyDeleteMy unofficial D Day was December 5th, I received an email at my work email address telling me I needed to be aware of trouble at my husbands work. Funny thing is that I spend the 2 days before D Day telling my coworkers how amazing my life is and even compared it to a fairytale, so I guess I deserved what came next.
The email, from the OW husband, prompted me to start doing a little research and I found that my husband had been talking to another woman. At first, my husband denied everything and told me the email was from a jealous husband of a coworker.
5 days later came the real D Day, 2 days before our anniversary. Although for the 5 days he denied it, I KNEW in my heart what was already done. A person does not exchange over 2000 text messages in a matter of weeks for no reason at all. For the 5 days he denied it, I tortured myself by looking at our phone records and knew in my heart he had cheated, I was a mess.
My entire world fell apart on that day!! I have never felt so utterly crushed in my entire life... My soul hurts!!
The timing could not have been worse!! 2 days before our anniversary and 2 weeks before Christmas. I told him that I didn't want to celebrate our anniversary, as there was nothing to celebrate. Christmas was even worse, we have 3 children and the tradition of having all of our families at our house for Christmas dinner. I survived it but barely. Having to put on the brave face and act as if nothing was wrong when I felt everything was wrong, the unbearable pain I felt every time somebody mentioned how amazing we are together and what a truly great couple we are, was gut-wreching. The voice in my head was screaming "It's all a lie!!", so loud that I could swear other people could hear it.
I am at such a loss, I have always been that woman who said she would leave if this happened but here it is 2 weeks later and I am still here.
I have never felt so confused, lost, scared, or angry in my entire life and I feel like it is consuming me.
Anon,
DeleteI'm sorry this happened to you, the pain is excruciating and that doesn't even describe it. You don't have to do anything right now and it is ok to sit on the fence. It took me 15 months to make a decision so there is no rush because it is up to you. This is not your fault and at least someone had the decency to tell you. What ever you thought about your marriage is an illusion. Your husband is a coward, that didn't tell you how he really felt. So you didn't have a choice. He made the choice not you. Don't be hard on yourself. He is going to lie, called trickle truth. Get in therapy as soon as you can with or without him. You will survive this but it is a long journey with steep hills, blind curves, switchback turns and it rains all the time. It will consume you for a long time but not forever.
Anonymous,
DeleteI'm sorry for what you are going through. And while it's hard to believe right now, you will get through it and there will come a time where it doesn't consume you. Many of us have been where you are... wondering how we could stay. Ultimately, it is your choice. You can choose to give him an opportunity to work through the issues that allowed him to do what he did or you can choose not to. But as Lynn said, you don't have to make any decisions right now. Right now, you need to focus on taking care of yourself. I highly recommend therapy too, whether you go alone, with your husband or separately.
Keep reminding yourself that you did nothing to deserve this. Your husband made a choice to betray you, but his choice had nothing to do with you. I know that is so hard to process right now, but please remember it. Affairs are a reflection of issues within those involved in them. It will be up to your husband to identify the issues that allowed him to make the choices he made and then to address them if the two of you choose to work together to repair the damage that has been done.
This site is full of strong women who have been where you are and are at different stages and on different paths to their healing. You will find a lot of information and support here.
Hugs!
Anonymous,
DeleteAny one of us could have written your letter. The circumstances might be slightly different but the feelings are universal. It's excruciating. It does make our souls hurt. Confusion. Anger. A deep deep sadness. Fear. Grief. It's all there, sometimes in the same minute.
The best advice I can give you right now is to give yourself time to process all this. We often feel like we need to react -- throw him out, storm out the door, call the divorce lawyers. Or, if we're so inclined, forgive and move forward.
But this is a life-altering event and it needs time for you to digest what you want going forward. We often talk on this site of your "next right step". If we stay focused on that, we'll find out way to healing. What does that mean for you? Maybe it means a separation. Maybe it means making an appointment with a therapist. Maybe it means just trying to get as still as possible to discern what feels right.
There's a lot of info on this site -- plenty of "what to do when you find out" posts that can help you with the practicalities. And the women on this site are truly incredible. Compassionate, warm-hearted, smart. And always willing to extend a hand to a newcomer.
Hang in there. It seems impossible right now but the day will come when this is nothing but a memory.
Anon: I'm pretty sure we were all those women, the ones who said we'd never take it, we'd kick him out, we'd be as good as gone in a second. The sad truth is that you actually don't know how you'll cope until you're faced with this craptastic reality.
DeleteI, too, struggle with the "I can't believe I'm still here." I'm 15 weeks out and I have to remind myself that being here today does not mean being here forever. You can leave, stay, whatever any time you're ready. You know enough to leave...give yourself time to figure out if you can stay. All you have to do for now is just breathe and be...as impossible as that seems many days.
You are so strong to be able to get through the holidays gracefully for your children. I hope you find time in this new year to treat yourself gently.
Everyone said it to me and I didn't believe it, but the pain eases. The way I feel now, is so different than the soul-crushing, all-consuming pain I felt when I, like you, was two weeks out. Am I better, am I over it, hell no...but this week I can stand the sight of my husband. This week I enjoyed time--and even sex!--with him. The pain, as intense as it is, does lessen. Just hang in there. Keep posting, keep owning your story. You're already doing the tough work.
Hi Elle
ReplyDeleteI found out 2 days ago that my supposed best friend and husband for 10 years was having an affair with his work colleague for 2 months. They ended it but stayed in contact, chats etc
I am devastated and don't think I have still fully processed this. I was actually planning our 10 year anniversary party which is in a month.
Yesterday I just didn't have the energy to go to work. I stayed at home all day and read and reread your blog and comments for 6 hours. At the end I felt better and could have a shower and washed my hair and watched TV
Thank you for this blog. I was thinking of calling the woman and yelling at her when I found out but I read the blog and now I am glad I didn't.
Thank you for the kindness you have put out in the world. I haven't told any friends or family as I don't want to feel their pity so reading this blog feels like I can breathe through the tears
Austen
Elle, your blog is helping me understand a little about WHY. I really can't process it fully yet. Im prettier than her, smarter than her, funnier than her.
ReplyDeleteIronically earlier this year for the first time I had a crush on a coworker. This very attractive guy kept flirting with me and I was really strongly attracted but I gave him cold signals and confessed to my husband about the crush and that I would never do anything. I keep thinking - why couldn't he have done the same?
I have been showing him some screenshots from the blog about WHY and he has told me that he had started liking the flattery and attention and became addicted to the flattery. And that it has nothing to do with me. This makes me so angry Aa through out this period I had been giving him.love and attention, looking good for him, etc
Hoping to find peace
Austen
Austen,
DeleteLike you, I had developed a crush on another person and I knew this didn't bode well for our marriage. I suggested therapy so that we could reconnect. And then...D-Day.
But having experienced that crush, I had slightly more compassion for my husband because I could see how easily it can happen. How desperate we become for that reflection of ourself we see in another's eyes -- a self that is sexy and interesting and smart. And too many don't see the danger until it's too late and they've convinced themselves that they're met their "soul-mate" or "nobody will get hurt" or whatever lie they tell themselves so they don't have to give up that intoxicating feeling.
Your husband's feelings weren't about you...they were about him and the stories he was telling himself. And that's where HIS recovery from this starts -- by understanding the difference between what was true and what lies he was telling himself.
My D-Day was Dec. 20, 2015. I have been married for 36 years and thought I knew my husband well. I knew something hadn't been right between us and even suggested counseling a couple of weeks prior. He said he didn't want to go. I had already called a therapist to go alone. I changed my mind, deciding to try to convince my husband to go with me. After I discovered the A, my husband agreed to go to counseling. I cannot begin to express the feelings of that discovery day. My world crashed down on me - hard. These things don't happen to me... I was hurt beyond hurt and felt as if my heart had been shattered into a million pieces. I couldn't eat, sleep, or concentrate on anything. I went through every emotion possible. My Christmas was less than merry and I felt as if my whole marriage was a lie. Oh how hard it was to get through that day. We met with the therapist on Dec. 26th and have been going weekly ever since. We've decided to try and make our marriage work. The pain does subside at times, but my husband wants to just put the A in the past and not talk about it. Then my mind plays tricks on me and I think crazy thoughts - things such as he's playing me for a fool and is still in contact with the OW (even though he says he isn't, he is tired of me asking...). At least for now he is still going to counseling with me. This website has been a great resource for me and I really appreciate it being here for me.
ReplyDeleteAnoymous February 19
DeleteI'm so sorry you too had a cause to find us and the blog that gives us hope! From where you are in your pain is just where each of us has been at one time or the other since our own dday. The advice you find among the most amazing women here is the only way I made my way as far as I have and I can tell you I'm still a work in progress in it to win it one day at a time! Hugs for what I know you are feeling!
Thanks, Theresa. I am still having good days and bad days. This past Sunday started well, ended BAD, and Monday was worse. I found the OW's phone number in husbands contacts list on his iPad & phone - under a different persons name. It was deliberately hidden and hidden well. I was hurt yet once again. He said that he put it in there after the first discovery of the A and just never deleted it. He swears he's had no contact with the OW. How do I learn to trust what he says?
DeleteHe got very angry that I snooped so thoroughly and we had a terrible argument. I'm not sure how many times I can have the wound opened up. I couldn't concentrate at work and wound up have to come home sick. I do love him and want to make the marriage work. I just don't think he understands my hurt and pain. He says we can be happy if I'd just let us. Like I'm supposed to just not think about it or talk about it.
Any advice, anyone?
Anoymous February 24
DeleteYour h just like mine in the beginning just wants to forget about the pain he has caused and believes that you can be happy if you choose to be! What your h and my h have to understand is that for us it's not just that easy! My h just kept asking why can't you trust me for how I'm doing now! I said back to him because I didn't know you could look me in the eyes and lie so easily then how does now mean anything? Well that was in the beginning and he had to learn how to deal with my emotions and my needs to 'snoop'! Unlike your h mine have full access and still shows me all texts even work if he thinks I'm worried about who is texting him! One of the first boundaries of mine was no more secrets! Then I found out she was still texting him and he kept telling her to leave us alone we are happy...ect. But the fact that he hid that, to spare more pain, hurt very deep and caused great stress for weeks! Once all contact was stopped, then I could see the man I knew and loved become what I remembered him to be! This has been a very trying time in our marriage and at times we both thought we were not going to make it through. But with hard work on both of us we are slowly coming back to the couple that thinks more of the others happiness! My h wasn't prepared for triggers nor how to deal with them. I had to give him words to help me with to calm me down but even those didn't work for all triggers... Time and complete transparency plus plenty of patience on his part has allowed us more happy and less stress...one day at a time...hugs advice: share this blog with your h! Go find the letter Elle wrote for the h to give him understanding! I'm praying for you to find healing!