That was my husband. Everyone ran to him with their problems and no one realized including myself that he was dealing with his own issues because of an accident at work. I had no idea that he was suffering from depression. I knew that he couldn't sleep but I never associated it with him feeling broken. I wish I had really paid more attention to what he was going through. I was always busy running after kids and dealing with the bills. Making sure our household was running smooth. I never saw him as someone with these kind of issues. He made a comment one time how he wished someone noticed how he was drowning in his feelings about himself but he never really showed any emotions that would even make you think that something was wrong until his affair.
Everyone's anchor can be a lonely place. I came to visit my sister and left my H at home. Watching TV, yes, hotel room, hot sex and married. I triggered. I just excused myself, went upstairs, took a Xanax and slept for 12 hours. Before I went to bed. I was thinking, I don't feel like I fit in anywhere as a social setting. I can't fit in to watch a movie unless there is no affair scene. Girlfriends don't understand or cannot comprehend what it is like so then the comments come although well meaning are harsh. Dinner with friends and the comparisons of their relationship with my own. I don't fit in anywhere really right now. I realized today stay safe in only places where I know I won't be harmed in someway. Old ladies bridge club. Golf lessons. Only talking to 2 friends. I have already been drowned so I'm my own anchor now but it is not the same gusto for life. The new normal is better but can it be even better? I don't know. I'm not seeking sympathy or empathy just saying a new realization rambling.
LLP, I agree I find it is hard to find a comfortable place to be. I tend to keep a distance. I really only have happy times when I am with my kids and also my husband. Otherwise I just feel fake or I end up having to be quiet for so much of conversations. I don't want to go to the movies since so many times there are affair scenes or even lying in movies and shows really sets me off. I just continue to find joy in what I can. I really focus on being present with my kids. They honestly make me the happiest ever. I make an effort to always set my phone down and listen. Or in the car we have the best discussions. My time with them is just such high quality. And they know nothing but somehow I feel I can be me. My husband and I have great times too but it is still hard at times for me not to let my mind drift or question. Focus on the positive is all I keep telling myself.
LLP, I'm so sorry you're going through a rough patch. I can totally relate to everything you wrote. The words could have been mine. I'm 15 mos. out and just now starting to re-emerge into life. H and I still somewhat isolate ourselves as it's still important that we do things as a couple and work on us.
Can it be better? For you, LLP, I certainly hope so. I am a constant work in process and I'm doing better. Some days are better than others, but I'm a lot better than I was 15 mos ago. Sending you hugs.
LLP, I too struggle with these things. I always loved having intellectual conversations with my friends, and I felt like I had a lot of friends. Now, post-Dday, I have trouble connecting--and when I do, I have trouble having any kind of meaningful or deep conversations. Yesterday was an exception. On a whim, I invited a friend I had been neglecting out for a workout and drink after. I somehow let myself feel like myself again in our conversations. She was struggling with her family life and needed to talk to someone. Nothing about our conversation was about me or my issues, and I really loved listening to her and lifting her spirits by reassuring her that she was a wonderful person, take care of you, etc... She was feeling really lonely and overwhelmed... She was so excited that I had called... perfect timing. She had a great time and so did I. It had been so long since I REALLY talked with someone about something that really matters except my H or a counselor. I have made it a goal to do more of this whenever I can. Triggers or no triggers, I'm going to wade out there into the waters of connecting with other people a little. It felt too good to make me run back into my hole this time. I, like you, may never really fit in the way I used to, and I'll always have this big thing I'm holding back in my friendships. But I can let some of me out now I think. One toe at a time... Hugs to you as I know completely what you're talking about.
I tried to reply earlier but I don't think it went through. I understand how you feel that there is something everywhere that either triggers or makes us not feel like we fit in. I too have been my H's lifeguard, (recovering from depression, drug and porn addiction) and now that I've had Dday's of his selfish stupid choices his own guilt drove him deeper into depression so, of course, I threw him the life preserver -- all the while I have also been drowning.
I want to thank you for how open and transparent you are on here. You help others. I hope we can help you feel buoyant.
LLP, I too continue to struggle with this after 21 months. I am emotionally exhausted much of the time as there are triggers everywhere. Despite hearing my husband say he is in a good space, he stays present all the time the best he can and knowing that we can have a good time I still feel so lonely. I think when your innocence is stolen and trust is broken is such a big way, it clouds you view. I know we are all doing the best we can but I, for one, would love to wake up some lovely day without any intrusive thoughts. There are so many things I just don't trust myself to do anymore. Places I won't go, people I don't want to talk with and situations I avoid. I keep it simple but I use to live large. It just isn't worth the effort to step out of the comfort zone I've created for myself. My zone includes my children, grandchildren, best friend, work and some fluffy reading. I like yoga, mindfulness readings, and also find a lot of the addiction sayings very helpful. I try not to think about or dwell on the rest because it is all tied to the past and all the things I never knew I never knew. Today on Facebook, it reminded me that a year ago I was in Mexico with my husband. Since he is not on Facebook I showed him the photos and said, it is so nice to reflect on a year ago and have nice memories. Once upon a time I might look back over 38 years with a warm and open heart. Can't do that now. Maybe I can someday but if I even try to do that a little bit I sink into despair and go down the dark hole. Not a good place or helpful place. Love to all
OMG, just knowing you all feel the same way was huge for me. In a way it made me feel better to know you all feel isolated too. The is really the only place I can say, I feel weird. Thank you for taking the time to respond, it helps to know this is creepy normal too. Thank you Hope, Lost, Ann, Brown and Beach!
Yes. LLP, I can relate, too. 18 months. And it's always sitting on my shoulder. Not just affair scenes, but scenes of happy families, weddings, couples with long relationships. I hear "married for 30 years" and I think: that'll never be me. That dream is gone. Most of the time I just shrug off the triggers; they don't cripple me the way they used to. But I really look forward to a time when they are not a part of my daily life. I've been drowning a lot lately. But I just keep making it from buoy to buoy, hoping I'm getting closer to the shore...
When my husband and I where going through this he compared the affair to being a heroin addict. It was the most disgusting place he had ever found himself in but he needed that fix. He must have really been drowning in his pain and self esteem to think that the cow that planned the destruction of his marriage was his pain relief.
After 18 months I can get past most triggers even though I want to hear her side of the story. What could possible have possessed her to do the things that she did and have help doing it. All I can think of is that she must have been drowning in her own pain. But I also think that the comparison of her to heroin is degrading to both of them. I wonder too how these OW like that comparison when they think of it as love.
That was my husband. Everyone ran to him with their problems and no one realized including myself that he was dealing with his own issues because of an accident at work. I had no idea that he was suffering from depression. I knew that he couldn't sleep but I never associated it with him feeling broken. I wish I had really paid more attention to what he was going through. I was always busy running after kids and dealing with the bills. Making sure our household was running smooth. I never saw him as someone with these kind of issues. He made a comment one time how he wished someone noticed how he was drowning in his feelings about himself but he never really showed any emotions that would even make you think that something was wrong until his affair.
ReplyDeleteTotally relate.
ReplyDeleteEveryone's anchor can be a lonely place. I came to visit my sister and left my H at home. Watching TV, yes, hotel room, hot sex and married. I triggered. I just excused myself, went upstairs, took a Xanax and slept for 12 hours. Before I went to bed. I was thinking, I don't feel like I fit in anywhere as a social setting. I can't fit in to watch a movie unless there is no affair scene. Girlfriends don't understand or cannot comprehend what it is like so then the comments come although well meaning are harsh. Dinner with friends and the comparisons of their relationship with my own. I don't fit in anywhere really right now. I realized today stay safe in only places where I know I won't be harmed in someway. Old ladies bridge club. Golf lessons. Only talking to 2 friends. I have already been drowned so I'm my own anchor now but it is not the same gusto for life. The new normal is better but can it be even better? I don't know. I'm not seeking sympathy or empathy just saying a new realization rambling.
ReplyDeleteLLP, I agree I find it is hard to find a comfortable place to be. I tend to keep a distance. I really only have happy times when I am with my kids and also my husband. Otherwise I just feel fake or I end up having to be quiet for so much of conversations. I don't want to go to the movies since so many times there are affair scenes or even lying in movies and shows really sets me off. I just continue to find joy in what I can. I really focus on being present with my kids. They honestly make me the happiest ever. I make an effort to always set my phone down and listen. Or in the car we have the best discussions. My time with them is just such high quality. And they know nothing but somehow I feel I can be me. My husband and I have great times too but it is still hard at times for me not to let my mind drift or question. Focus on the positive is all I keep telling myself.
DeleteLLP, I'm so sorry you're going through a rough patch. I can totally relate to everything you wrote. The words could have been mine. I'm 15 mos. out and just now starting to re-emerge into life. H and I still somewhat isolate ourselves as it's still important that we do things as a couple and work on us.
DeleteCan it be better? For you, LLP, I certainly hope so. I am a constant work in process and I'm doing better. Some days are better than others, but I'm a lot better than I was 15 mos ago. Sending you hugs.
LLP,
DeleteI too struggle with these things. I always loved having intellectual conversations with my friends, and I felt like I had a lot of friends. Now, post-Dday, I have trouble connecting--and when I do, I have trouble having any kind of meaningful or deep conversations. Yesterday was an exception. On a whim, I invited a friend I had been neglecting out for a workout and drink after. I somehow let myself feel like myself again in our conversations. She was struggling with her family life and needed to talk to someone. Nothing about our conversation was about me or my issues, and I really loved listening to her and lifting her spirits by reassuring her that she was a wonderful person, take care of you, etc... She was feeling really lonely and overwhelmed... She was so excited that I had called... perfect timing. She had a great time and so did I. It had been so long since I REALLY talked with someone about something that really matters except my H or a counselor. I have made it a goal to do more of this whenever I can. Triggers or no triggers, I'm going to wade out there into the waters of connecting with other people a little. It felt too good to make me run back into my hole this time. I, like you, may never really fit in the way I used to, and I'll always have this big thing I'm holding back in my friendships. But I can let some of me out now I think. One toe at a time... Hugs to you as I know completely what you're talking about.
LLP,
DeleteI tried to reply earlier but I don't think it went through. I understand how you feel that there is something everywhere that either triggers or makes us not feel like we fit in. I too have been my H's lifeguard, (recovering from depression, drug and porn addiction) and now that I've had Dday's of his selfish stupid choices his own guilt drove him deeper into depression so, of course, I threw him the life preserver -- all the while I have also been drowning.
I want to thank you for how open and transparent you are on here. You help others. I hope we can help you feel buoyant.
LLP, I too continue to struggle with this after 21 months. I am emotionally exhausted much of the time as there are triggers everywhere. Despite hearing my husband say he is in a good space, he stays present all the time the best he can and knowing that we can have a good time I still feel so lonely. I think when your innocence is stolen and trust is broken is such a big way, it clouds you view. I know we are all doing the best we can but I, for one, would love to wake up some lovely day without any intrusive thoughts. There are so many things I just don't trust myself to do anymore. Places I won't go, people I don't want to talk with and situations I avoid. I keep it simple but I use to live large. It just isn't worth the effort to step out of the comfort zone I've created for myself. My zone includes my children, grandchildren, best friend, work and some fluffy reading. I like yoga, mindfulness readings, and also find a lot of the addiction sayings very helpful. I try not to think about or dwell on the rest because it is all tied to the past and all the things I never knew I never knew. Today on Facebook, it reminded me that a year ago I was in Mexico with my husband. Since he is not on Facebook I showed him the photos and said, it is so nice to reflect on a year ago and have nice memories. Once upon a time I might look back over 38 years with a warm and open heart. Can't do that now. Maybe I can someday but if I even try to do that a little bit I sink into despair and go down the dark hole. Not a good place or helpful place. Love to all
DeleteExactly.
ReplyDeleteOMG, just knowing you all feel the same way was huge for me. In a way it made me feel better to know you all feel isolated too. The is really the only place I can say, I feel weird. Thank you for taking the time to respond, it helps to know this is creepy normal too. Thank you Hope, Lost, Ann, Brown and Beach!
ReplyDeleteYes. LLP, I can relate, too. 18 months. And it's always sitting on my shoulder. Not just affair scenes, but scenes of happy families, weddings, couples with long relationships. I hear "married for 30 years" and I think: that'll never be me. That dream is gone.
ReplyDeleteMost of the time I just shrug off the triggers; they don't cripple me the way they used to. But I really look forward to a time when they are not a part of my daily life.
I've been drowning a lot lately. But I just keep making it from buoy to buoy, hoping I'm getting closer to the shore...
When my husband and I where going through this he compared the affair to being a heroin addict. It was the most disgusting place he had ever found himself in but he needed that fix. He must have really been drowning in his pain and self esteem to think that the cow that planned the destruction of his marriage was his pain relief.
ReplyDeleteAfter 18 months I can get past most triggers even though I want to hear her side of the story. What could possible have possessed her to do the things that she did and have help doing it. All I can think of is that she must have been drowning in her own pain. But I also think that the comparison of her to heroin is degrading to both of them. I wonder too how these OW like that comparison when they think of it as love.