Is it ever. I spent a bit of time bringing on a self care life for me since d day - just feels incomplete. I have started to let toxic friends go. Why are there so many toxic people in this world? Still haven't let toxic husband go - just yet. Going through days of doubt as to why I let him stay - even though I wanted "the happy family" for the kids, and he is making an effort. For some reason I'm having flash backs of things that have gone on since d day. It's the lying, the constant lying that he did that gets me and geez I sometimes wish I had just kicked his lying arse out. Thanks for listening ladies. I needed to let it out. Hugs to you all Gabby xo
Totally. Toxic but appears innocuous. I just had another surreal conversation with my h who looks so convincing and open, but keeps telling me things I can scarcely believe. Where will I find the antidote?
Gabby, I feel the same way. I'm ready to let H go but trying to stay for the kids. He is doing everything I asked and then some - every advice you read on what the CS should do to reconcile H has done it. Yet he had several EA's/cyber and 1 PA (which he lied to me about for over a decade), soon after my Dday for the PA (dday was 5mos ago) his first reaction was to gaslight me instead of being accountable. Since then he has taken full responsibility. Yet, what I learned about his TOXIC, stupid, selfish, self-destructive behavior over that decade has completely changed my feelings about him. For the past 3 mos he has been a model husband - almost fairy tale. I really think he is a better man than the one I married. But, it might just be too late. I too wish I would have kicked him out on Dday, now it doesn't make sense to. If I do decide to kick him out at some time in the future it will the same day I serve him with divorce papers and he will not see it coming. Staying TODAY.
Gabby me too. I probably should have kicked him out but for the teens. The other day he was telling me he thinks women in their 40s and 50s just don't have the same sex drive as men and he was feeling neglected when he set out to have an affair (and message other women on FB). He just isn't the man I thought he was. Did he change or has he always been this way I wonder? He says he is so sorry and for sure has been a much nicer person since all this (D day was 2 years ago) but I just don't think I know him anymore. It's like his attitudes to women are stuck in the 80s. Cheers to all and keep taking care of yourselves xx
it can help to imagine what you would tell a friend in the same situation. We tend to be able to see others' situations more clearly than our own. So...if a friend was telling you that her husband was doing/saying what your husband is, what would you tell her? Would you tell her to "give him a chance" or "maybe he doesn't mean it". Or would you ask her what she REALLY wants and suggest that maybe her husband is a lying dirtbag who doesn't deserve her? Just asking. ;)
Gabby, I ask myself why I let him stay. He told me that he proved he could get any woman he wanted, but no one wants a woman like me. I'm 57, not homely, but his slut was blonde, fake boobs and younger. I'm afraid of being alone and in the past month, I finally feel he loves me. D day one with that slut was a year ago....it was just a few topless pics for fun and he gave her $1,000 because she needed help. In June 2016, I found his emails, the affair was extensive and he gave her a whole lot more $$. The lies are so hurtful. I wish he had been upfront when I first confronted him. I trust him as far as I can throw him. The betrayed will deal with flash backs, regardless of how much therapy or medication we get. We just have to decide if he is worth it. My fear of being alone at my age scares me, so I stay. Love and support to you!! Becky
Becky, He thinks his affair proved he could get "any woman he wanted"? Sounds to me like his affair proved he could any woman who needed money and was willing to sacrifice her dignity and self-respect for it. Pretty sure there's a name for that and it ain't a nice one. You say you fear being alone but I'll ask you: Do you feel lonely within your marriage? 57 is not old (I'm just a few years younger). You could have decades ahead of you. Do you want to spend them with this guy? Or do you want to give yourself a chance to experience life without someone dragging you down? You deserve so much better than this.
JiltedJoe Just like that you just start telling your story. On this thread or one of the more recent just found out. What I know is here there's no right way nor wrong way to let it out! I'm sorry you had to ask but glad you did! You're among others that know and feel your pain! Some just started on this path others like myself have been dealing with the fallout since 2013/2014...Elle has been here from the start as she created this warm hug of a space where we can begin to pick up ourselves from the pits of the most gut wrenching hurt, angry, confused world we find ourselves in post dday! Just know you're not alone and your story matters to each of us! We share and learn from each other! We love each other like we are blood sisters and we celebrate the positive and hug those who continue to be disappointed by a spouse that can't man up and do the right thing even if it means that couple divorce, we still celebrate if that's the right choice for them. Hugs this is hard in the beginning!
"Warm hug of a place"! Theresa, you are a bright light in a dark day. Thank-you. And JiltedJoe -- exactly what Theresa said. Just post, exactly like you did, and share your story, your fears, your hopes. Bask in the support and compassion and wisdom of Theresa and so many others who know your pain and can light the way forward.
For me, the toxic person I'm trying to let go of is actually the other woman. I absolutely hate admitting it, but I have had a continued obsession over her since my d-day a little over a year ago. I've really struggled with keeping track of her online, as she leaves plenty for the public to view and still makes references to our "situation". She is extremely immature to say the least. I'm not going to waste my time bitching about the mean stuff she has done, because I shouldn't be looking at it anyway. In therapy, I have been encouraged to explore why I feel the need the keep up on her like this and I know there are many reasons I do it. A big part of it in the beginning was that I just wanted to figure her out. My husband had this entirely different life with her. (And she was sure to chronicle that wonderful life online too. Well, really I think she was just trying to validate her pathetic relationship and hopefully get caught so that they could run off together.) I just wanted to put the pieces together after being kept in the dark for almost 2 years and having my life explode in my face when I found out. And honestly, I can say at this point that I have. In fact, I had enough information about the affair awhile ago. But still, I have struggled on and off with looking her up online and letting her hurt me further. It's really like a bad habit that I'm struggling to break. I know it's bad for me, my recovery, and marriage. And I feel so ashamed for doing it. It upsets my husband because it invites her back into our lives and I hate talking to him about it. I don't feel like he really gets it either. Like I said, I've had a lot of ups and downs with this. The longest I've gone without looking is about 2 months, but I slipped up and and let it become a bad habit again a few weeks ago. I've been talking to my husband and going to therapy. I recently started taking medication for depression and anxiety as well. I've been trying to participate more on this blog and have even started a blog of my own to practice writing and sorting through my thoughts and feelings more. ( http://callmekate516.blogspot.com/?m=1 ) I figured I should try to replace bad online habits with healthier ones. Although some days are much, much harder than others, I'm doing my best to work through it all. I'm starting back with small goals when it comes to my bad online habits. I don't have any social media pages of my own right now and I haven't looked at any of her pages in 4 days. It's one day at a time right now, but I remain hopeful. It's definitely time I start taking better care of myself.
Call me Kate I can relate to the ow fixation! I've spent months trying to let go of the need to see what she's up to! Mainly because she continues to stalk me and my h from a distance! It's been one year ago today that she had to go back before the judge and be reminded no contact of she goes to jail. My need to look at her pathetic face is gone I never did see the appeal for my h other than she was easy to pick up and start having sex with. She was going through a messy divorce and lost everything to her ex because my h wasn't her first affair or mistakes in life. My h can't stand the sight of the ow. She became downright dangerous that first year but at least she destroyed what ever it was he thought was so wonderful about her in the beginning. So I occasionally look at her public posts see she's still posting beliefs in God healing her relationship heartache and then I go back to my world of recovery by doing new and exciting things with my change for the better h! Not all roses and sunshine but one day at a time!
Call Me Kate, You are not alone. I read your blog and I have many similar feelings. It's still a struggle for me sometimes and I'm approaching two years. I don't need to know anything more about her but I still question her actions or at least how she justified them. I think if I could just accept that she's really screwed up and allow myself to move on, things would be so much better. I limited my access to her a long time ago by blocking her on Facebook. Then I went through a brief period where I created a second Facebook account so I could check that way. I was making myself crazy so I deleted that. She's done her best to try to crop up via mutual friends of my husband's and one of mine on Facebook. So eventually my husband gave up Facebook. None of this means I don't still think about her. While I recognize that she's not fully responsible, I still have anger toward her for the role she played in damaging my family. I'm hopeful that in time that will go away too. Hugs! ❤️
Call me Kate, I wrote a really long reply and it has not shown up from 3/31. So here is what I can remember.
I never knew these ow. My husband did not disclose who they were since I did not know them but said I would probably like and get along with one of them. That alone proves what an affair fog is, was and can do to their mind. He had broken up with them 15 months before hand even and they were both dating new people.
The only way I figured out who they were was through the photos I took of his history in his fake fb account. With the little info he gave me it was obvious who they were. And he continued to look at their profiles every day usually multiple times a day.
So I obsessed over looking through their entire accounts. I also checked them all the time. I felt like it would give me some insight or information. And I think I was also wanting to track them too and secretly hoping they would be miserable. Steam posted a story about how if you were to fast forward time and look back at photos of yourself to now would you want them to be vibrant color photos of you enjoying your life or black and white photos that were crumpled and flat. Her story was much better worded so I am summarizing how I interpreted it. For me that made me think a lot. I realized not one time did I ever feel better after checking up on them. I always felt worse. I also thought about how these women took up enough energy and time from my marriage and life already I was not going to give them anymore. Saying all of this it was easier since each ow only contacted my husband once and we decided he would not reply and we never heard from them again.
I think it had to come at the right time for me. It was part of the process. I think in general social media, access to smart phones is a challenge for anyone in society. We all have a computer at our access at any time. I think it affects all of our relationships and lives. And I am sure with this easy access it makes cheating easier than ever before.
Take it easy on yourself. For me I just had to tell myself no and get up away from my computer or put my phone down when I had the urge to check their pages. In the end I am a million times happier and I do not want either of them to be part of our lives.
(Sorry Hopeful 30 -- not sure what happened to your post. I moderate but post everything that isn't a spell casting ad.) CallMeKate, that compulsion to follow the OW is really hard to break but it's so harmful to you. There is nothing you gain except more pain. It gives the illusion of control -- that you know what she's doing. But you pay a high price. Please, please stop it. It will be really hard but you can do it. Snap an elastic band on your wrist when you'r tempted. Or reward yourself when you resist the urge. Treat her like a cancerous tumour that needs to be cut out of your life because she's toxic to you. I promise you life will be better when she's not in it at all.
I am 5 mos post Dday and I have finally satiated my curiosity about the COW's psyche. Thing is - I knew her - she was a family member, had been a guest in my home, I had paid for her dinner out at a family gathering. She was married to my H's 1st cousin and Goth, so I would have NEVER imagined my H would have ANY interest in her. WRONG! They only had actual sex once, but spent 4 years intermittently emailing each other how unhappy their spouses made them and 'sexting'.
Here I was pouring over 4 years worth of pictures of my husband and smiling, kissing, raising our kids, holidays, vacations, all happy. Cards he wrote me, all full of love. Trying to make sense of it. Trying to understand how on earth sex once in the backseat of our family car equated to "I thought I loved her and had a future with her". WTF?? Now I have seen COW's extensive on-line presence (she shares WAY too much info). It turns out all the while she was telling my H how much she hated her H she was actually trying (unsuccessfully) to get pregnant by her H - reviewing books about it online. Talked about her H lovingly. COW's H divorced her 5 years later and she posted that she had to go to counseling because she had to 'get over someone she loved so much'. Shge is a psychologist's dream case study. The root of her self-hatred was daddy issues, she never got over the death of her father when she was 3, was raised by an alcoholic step father, was bullied in school, became Goth, has many medical problems (eating disorder, irritable bowel syndrome, migraine headaches, had a nose job, chronic sinusitis, UTI's, allergies, etc.). Divorce ramped in her family. She reviews sex toys, condoms, feminine products, medications and HUNDREDS of zombie books online, worked at the mall for 9 years prior to her 1st marriage. Now she is remarried but in a 'polyamorous' relationship with husband, her girlfriend and their lover(s). Seriously, I can't make this up. Jerry Springer would be shocked. The 3 of them live in a dumpy apartment with 3 cats & 1 dog. They share 1 car. They spend most nights with other divorced friends at a local dive bar. Childless. She is in the same entry-level job that she was when she got married at the age of 27 to a 19yo. HS drop-out who was 'in a band'. She complained to my H that her H spent all their money on food, but she was clearly the one with the on-line shopping habit. Liar.
H knew NONE of this. Knew NOTHING about her. Only that she liked to read books (no idea what kind). I wish CH would have left me for COW for just 5 minutes. He would have gotten EXACTLY what he deserved! I am even angrier at him for being so stupid that he got duped about her true personality and never checked her background out. He had no idea COW actually loved her H, or that they were trying to get pregnant, or that she was into zombies and polyamory or that she started another affair just before her affair with my H ended with ED (ha!). And H entertained leaving me for COW. Breaking up an entire family (grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. - a big family). Idiot.
Browneyedgirl, Wow. Wowee wow. Toxic indeed. But, and I'm throwing this out there for most of us who don't ever get that level of detail of the OW's life, I don't think she's an exception. While she might be extreme, I would argue that every OW I've ever known of is some variation on this: dishonest, low self-esteem, troubled, and willing to put up with a whole lot of crap in exchange for attention. Any attention.
Call me Kate. I could have wrote your post. I too have to see what she is doing all the time. Believe me she is very boring. Trying to figure her out. I've even sent her messages asking for her side of the story. But I already knew the truth. I've even held my picture up against her picture and wondered what the hell was my h thinking. I started writing for therapy. I just have to remember to take care of myself more then worrying about her. Other then that my h and I are in a great place after only 19 months. I was also asked to be a peer counselor for other's like us. I think that if I do this it will also help me get past my fixation with her. And it can be a continual form of healing for me too.
I can so relate to all this OW stuff. I should be way past all that by now, but I'm still not. Putting my picture beside hers... trying to imagine what my H was thinking when he did what he did... At this point, I don't get upset anymore when I check in on her. It's almost like it's disconnected from my H altogether. It's more of a habit. I even find myself wanting to ask my H, "hey! did you see what (name of OW) said about the new store opening up down the street?"--then I remember who she is. I do think checking in gives me false feelings of control. I'm terrified of bumping into her in person. Not because of some fear of what she'll do to me, but my fear of what I'll do to her/myself. Afraid of uncontrolled rage I suppose. Plus, if I know things maybe I would catch my H sooner if he contacted her? Not really sure what I'm getting out of it at this point as things are really good with my marriage at the moment. This is an area in which I still need a lot of work!!
Ann I don't get upset anymore. I know that she has messed up her life in a big way. I feel like it is my form of having control too. At first I just wanted to know that she was suffering like I was. Misery loves company. Now it's more of a pity watch when I do check on her.
Ann, I think that my checking also was a false sense of control. Almost as if knowing what she was doing, would keep me one step ahead of her. And then there was always the hope that I would see her life fall apart on social media. But I know enough about her now to recognize that the persona she puts out there would never include anything that shows her in a negative light. I've figured out that my husband paled in comparison to her when it came to lying and manipulating. It's really hard, but as a few people noted in this thread, it's rare that checking or obsessing makes us feel better. Except maybe the one time I learned that their whole family's cars had been egged. That did actually make me feel better. LOL I think it also becomes habit whether it's checking social media or continually focusing on how they did what they did . The latter seems to be my biggest obstacle. I hope that with time she no longer crosses my mind. Hugs! ❤
My H's OW was much younger and covered in tattoos. With a criminal record/arrests a # of times. Total drama queen. Not pretty (my H said that not me).
She posted a number of times how she would not be with a man who cheated. How she despised women who did that. How we were all just desperate and weak.
Hahaha - she was practically suicidal when my H ended it. She tried to start up again with my H a third time. And when that didn't work she harassed me on social media.
She took down her blog but last I heard she had a new boyfriend. Poor guy - how long will it take for him to figure out what a crazy person she is.
Dandilion How she justified the relationship in the first place perplexed me until I realized how twisted his cow really is! The way she treated my h before dday was mentally cruel and then to continue to pursue him after dday was very disturbing to both of us. Then just when we thought we were through with her, she reached out for a meet up for drinks and no hard feelings! Omg! He sent her back to the judge, he gave her the riot act of going to jail or leave us the hell alone! Saturday was the one year of that day and as far as I know she got the message that time! Other than that few drive by the house times, as for if she's moved on to a new relationship, I could care less and my h was stupid when she attempted to make him jealous by having her computer open to her profile on a dating site because he thought they could still be friends even if she couldn't be his fuck buddie anymore! Omg! Yes he told me that conversation he had with her! So yeah she's pretty messed up in her head and the bad of it is she gets paid as a therapist for couples who are having issues as well as substance abuse. So I do look at her public posts and move on to my world and can't care less! I hear you Elle! It did hurt me in the beginning but I'm numb to pain from her! My pain comes from triggers and I never get warning of those suckers!
Theresa, You are right. A lot of these people are so screwed up I'm not sure we would grasp it even if we knew how they got there. I haven't reached a point yet where I am numb to the things she did. I'm still angry and hurt. Every time I think I've resolved that, it comes back. Lately, the anger comes from how little regard she had for my children. My daughter was almost 8 and my son was 3 when the affair started. This woman is a mother, yet she met my children when my husband took them to his office, she liked their pictures on Facebook, had phone conversations with him while they were around. It all infuriates me. How, as a mother, can someone look at an innocent child's picture and "like" it when they know what they're doing to his or her parents' marriage? I've always been protective of children but once I became a mom, it magnified. I can't fathom doing something to hurt a child. My husband and I have talked about it and it hurts him because he knows that he is the one who put them in that position. Anything she did is because he allowed it. We're dealing with some issues with my daughter that have cropped up as a result of the fight we had on our last d-day. She doesn't know the full truth of the affair but she knows that her dad had a friendship with someone at work and he wasn't honest about it. We've tried to be honest with her at a level that is age appropriate. We're having her talk with a therapist and working on restoring her trust in her dad. The therapist says it's not uncommon after marital issues that when the parents reach a point where things have leveled out that kids then have issues that arise. Her main concerns are that it will happen again or that our family will break up. Every time I take her to an appointment, I feel sad. And then the anger kicks in because it's so unfair that this is part of her world. I guess if my husband were a better liar and cheater, he would never have been caught. And my kids would have escaped unscathed like the OW's have. As much as I feel like her husband should know, I wouldn't wish this on anyone.
Dandilion I hear you on the mother issues! The cow in our world used candy crush the game to access my h friends and two brothers. She tried to be his Facebook fuck buddie but for what ever reason that was a boundary he put in place. This cow was willing to destroy her own marriage, her teenage daughter and her son hanged himself because of his issues that were not being delt with. Knowing what I know about this person, I've slowly let go of the hostility toward her and focus more on how my h is treating me day to day in our new life together! If he hadn't made changes in himself, I more than likely would have divorced him! It's been a long tough two plu years but it's getting easier for him because habits have changed. He no longer goes to a gym across town we go to the same gym together. He no longer stops for drinks with co workers like he did before. He began to put me/our relationship first. We're lucky I guess that our children are adults and even though they don't know the details of the affair, they knew we were going through a hard time in our marriage. I'm sending you a cyber hug and hopefully your h is making progress on repairs to your marriage as well. Keep your daughter in therapy for as long as she needs to be! My own therapy was a little more than two years and I learned major coping strategies! I'm on this blog for moral support! It helps so much knowing you are not alone in the feelings betrayal causes!
Oh, wow dandelion. Something you just said hit home. "Anything she did to me is because he allowed it." I've had a hard time with one of the OWs. The one with a family. Trying to figure out how she did it. He allowed it. That's really the key. I don't know her level of crazy, but I know his. He allowed it. Maybe I can let her go a little more now. Thank you! All of this is so hard and confusing. My obsession with her led me away from the simple truth that he allowed it. He had a commitment to me. She did not. I still struggle thinking she might be better than me in some way, then I come back to reality and realize that's not true.
Thank you, Theresa! It was a much needed cyber hug! It's been a rough couple of days. My daughter is doing well in therapy and we'll keep taking her as long as she needs to go. It's helping her with the issues with her dad, as well as in other areas where she struggles (not standing up for herself because she doesn't want to hurt people's feelings). My husband has really poured himself into repairing the damage he caused. He's there for the good and bad and we communicate more openly than we ever have. I think he's a happier person in general with the exception of the guilt he has from causing so much pain. I value this group and the support I've received more than I can say. Hugs back to you! ❤
Dandelion, I appreciate your situation, and the fact that you haven't told the OW's husband. I was informed of my husband's affair with his old high school girlfriend, from her husband. We have always been part of my husband's HS friend group from his hometown. A great group of people who have all stayed in touch across the years and miles. Until... None of them know except the four of us. He, the husband, was the one who discovered the affair and he sent me a threatening text in Sept 2015, thinking he was texting my husband (he says, although I think he was trying to out my husband to me). My husband lied. Finally in January 2016, he reached out to me on FB and told me. My husband gave only minimal partial truth and lies. The other husband and I continued comparing notes, he sent me pages and pages of texts they had exchanged, etc. And finally, a month later, he gave what he says is the whole truth.
I did ask the other spouse why he told me, knowing that he would bring the same agony down on me that he was suffering. He says he really struggled with the decision (and it did take him 4 months between confronting them and telling me). He decided to wait until after Christmas, to it ruin our family's holiday. Then he told me, because, he said he felt it was deeply unfair that the three of them all knew, and I was left in the dark.
Is that his real reason? Or was it really that he was so hurt and angry that he wanted to hurt my husband as badly as he was hurting, and I was just collateral damage? I don't know.
Am I grateful that he told me? I think on balance I would say yes. If I hadn't found out from him, weird things would have started happening that would have resulted in more lies. For example, she and I were friended on Facebook, LinkedIn and even Pinterest. We share friends in common, and the weirdness would have become palpable. And he would have lied more and more. Eventually it would come out and the compound effect of all that lying would have become increasingly more damaging with the passage of time.
Will we survive this? I don't know. Will they? I don't know that either. If I had been the one to catch them, would I have told him? I think so. I think it's the right thing to do. Even though he may or may not have been doing it for noble reasons, I still think he was right to tell me.
Periwinkle, We are complicated people. I'm not sure many of us do things for only "noble" reasons, whether we're aware of it or not. The fact that he deeply considered what he did is a good thing. Sounds like he was aware of the price you would pay for knowing...but also the price you were paying by not knowing. I would want to know. And though I know every situation is different and there are other considerations (abuse, children, etc.), I generally think the best course of action is to let all the adults know what's going on the then leave them to make their own choices about what to do about it.
Periwinkle, IMO BH was right to tell you. Although I agree his delivery was poor. I'll share my story of the opposite scenario: I was the 1/4 in the dark for over a decade - the other 3 knew and they ALL conspired to keep it from me. I was robbed of any chance to decide a decade ago and give CH an ultimatum: no contact or divorce. Instead what happened? 4 more years of emails and one more failed attempt at backseat sex. Then the COW's ex-H decided to lash out after a decade of silence and victimize me for my H's actions. I'm so sorry for what has happened to you, but at least knowledge gives you the choice that I wish I had long ago. 10 years later it is harder to leave and I can't do anything about the ongoing contact that occurred. The truth always comes out eventually.
Periwinkle. I told the OW's boyfriend what was really going on. She had left him a few weeks before I found out. She had told my h that he had beat her, cheated on her, and they had fallen out of love. So that he would have sympathy for her. They were all lies. After this blew up in her face she went running back to him and put all the blame on my h. She is an excellent manipulator. She then told people that my h had raped her to gain more sympathy and attention. I watched my h get honored at a Fire Department Dinner. People would come up to him and tell him that he was their mentor and how much they looked up to him just like I had heard that her boyfriend was a very good man too. I wasn't going to let her destroy both of their character's with the lies she told to make herself look good. I sent him a detailed email of things that she did with times and dates. A few months later they were not together anymore and I feel that she got what was coming to her. Being alone and looking for new victims on dating sites. God help the men that she gets involved with.
Periwinkle, I do believe that he deserves to know. I hope nothing I said led anyone to believe otherwise. I've spent a lot of time contemplating telling him and I carry guilt for not doing so. I've never met the OW or her husband. She was my husband's coworker. The decision not to tell him is based primarily out of concern for my children. Very shortly after d-day, the OW's sister emailed my husband on his work email. This is a woman my husband met once briefly when the OW brought her to the office. She emailed him to tell him what an awful person he was and how much like her ex husband he was. She said her sister had done some "bad things" but didn't deserve to be attacked by me. She was referring to a text I sent the OW that wasn't anywhere close to an attack. She ended her email with a threat to both my husband and I. Nothing overtly dangerous, it may have just been words but, again, these are not people I know. I feared not so much for my personal safety but for the type of drama thisperson might bring into my life and subsequently into my kids' lives. So ultimately, I felt my choice was to do the right thing for a stranger or do the right thing for my kids. But as with anything, it comes at a cost. And that cost for me is knowing that he deserves to know and that I haven't told him.
Dandelion, I did not want to sound as if I was judging your choice. Just sharing from the point of view of the in the dark spouse. The text that the BH sent to my phone said "stay away from my wife or I will destroy you". My husband told me her husband had always misinterpreted their friendship b/c she and my husband had dated in high school. He lied, in other words. And lied to me knowing that there was someone out there who had burning all-consuming hatred for him. He should have confessed right then. But he was cowardly. Anyway, there is no one-size-fits all approach. Of course you must act in the interest of your family above all else, and if telling him jeopardizes your family, than it's not the right thing to do.
Periwinkle, Thank you for that! I didn't feel like you were judging at all. I think I was really just talking through my own difficulties with my choice. My gut tells me that I did the right thing for my family, but the choice goes against what I believe is the honest and decent thing to do. If her husband ever finds out about the affair and knows that I knew but said nothing, he will no doubt wonder why I made that choice. I feel a sense of compassion toward him as a fellow betrayed spouse. It hurts to know that I've done nothing to help him.
I can't thank everyone enough for their kind and supportive words. I am a teacher and I've been busy writing report card comments this week, but I wanted to make sure I responded to everyone. This has been such a huge issue for me and I can't tell you how many times I've questioned my own sanity over it. Thank you for making me feel understood. Dandelion, I too, ended up with a separate account to keep tabs on her. It truly made me feel crazy! Although it would still be easy to look at the pages she still leaves public, I've gotten rid of all social media at this point and I'm still going strong. No peeking in over a week! Something feels different this time. I'm glad that I spoke out and got the extra support here too. It's been a year. My marriage is doing well. It's time to let this bitch go.
It is so interesting to read everyone's stories... and about the other women. Interesting and sad, very sad. These women are like a different breed to me. The ones who know damn right well that these men are married, have kids at home, and still do what they do. I don't want to go off on too much of a rant about her right now, but there are so many of you that I can connect to. Hopeful, thank you so much for taking the time to respond to me, especially considering you typed that twice :) When you said that "It had to come at the right time for me" that really resonated with me. Over the last year, I think I've been so desperate to ease my pain, that I tend to try to rush my recovery. At one point, I was ready to "forgive her" just so I could let go of some of the pain and hate. I've since realized, I don't forgive her for anything yet and it's fine to just leave it at that she is a selfish, childish asshole for now. She doesn't deserve my forgiveness right now, not after everything, and how she has handled her herself in the aftermath. It's definitely time for me to focus on ME and my marriage. I'll never understand that horrible girl and it doesn't matter anymore any way.
Is it ever. I spent a bit of time bringing on a self care life for me since d day - just feels incomplete. I have started to let toxic friends go. Why are there so many toxic people in this world? Still haven't let toxic husband go - just yet. Going through days of doubt as to why I let him stay - even though I wanted "the happy family" for the kids, and he is making an effort. For some reason I'm having flash backs of things that have gone on since d day. It's the lying, the constant lying that he did that gets me and geez I sometimes wish I had just kicked his lying arse out. Thanks for listening ladies. I needed to let it out.
ReplyDeleteHugs to you all
Gabby xo
Totally. Toxic but appears innocuous. I just had another surreal conversation with my h who looks so convincing and open, but keeps telling me things I can scarcely believe. Where will I find the antidote?
DeleteGabby, I feel the same way. I'm ready to let H go but trying to stay for the kids. He is doing everything I asked and then some - every advice you read on what the CS should do to reconcile H has done it. Yet he had several EA's/cyber and 1 PA (which he lied to me about for over a decade), soon after my Dday for the PA (dday was 5mos ago) his first reaction was to gaslight me instead of being accountable. Since then he has taken full responsibility. Yet, what I learned about his TOXIC, stupid, selfish, self-destructive behavior over that decade has completely changed my feelings about him. For the past 3 mos he has been a model husband - almost fairy tale. I really think he is a better man than the one I married. But, it might just be too late. I too wish I would have kicked him out on Dday, now it doesn't make sense to. If I do decide to kick him out at some time in the future it will the same day I serve him with divorce papers and he will not see it coming. Staying TODAY.
DeleteGabby me too. I probably should have kicked him out but for the teens. The other day he was telling me he thinks women in their 40s and 50s just don't have the same sex drive as men and he was feeling neglected when he set out to have an affair (and message other women on FB). He just isn't the man I thought he was. Did he change or has he always been this way I wonder? He says he is so sorry and for sure has been a much nicer person since all this (D day was 2 years ago) but I just don't think I know him anymore. It's like his attitudes to women are stuck in the 80s. Cheers to all and keep taking care of yourselves xx
Deleteit can help to imagine what you would tell a friend in the same situation. We tend to be able to see others' situations more clearly than our own. So...if a friend was telling you that her husband was doing/saying what your husband is, what would you tell her? Would you tell her to "give him a chance" or "maybe he doesn't mean it". Or would you ask her what she REALLY wants and suggest that maybe her husband is a lying dirtbag who doesn't deserve her?
DeleteJust asking. ;)
Gabby, I ask myself why I let him stay. He told me that he proved he could get any woman he wanted, but no one wants a woman like me. I'm 57, not homely, but his slut was blonde, fake boobs and younger. I'm afraid of being alone and in the past month, I finally feel he loves me. D day one with that slut was a year ago....it was just a few topless pics for fun and he gave her $1,000 because she needed help. In June 2016, I found his emails, the affair was extensive and he gave her a whole lot more $$. The lies are so hurtful. I wish he had been upfront when I first confronted him. I trust him as far as I can throw him. The betrayed will deal with flash backs, regardless of how much therapy or medication we get. We just have to decide if he is worth it. My fear of being alone at my age scares me, so I stay. Love and support to you!! Becky
ReplyDeleteBecky, He thinks his affair proved he could get "any woman he wanted"? Sounds to me like his affair proved he could any woman who needed money and was willing to sacrifice her dignity and self-respect for it. Pretty sure there's a name for that and it ain't a nice one.
DeleteYou say you fear being alone but I'll ask you: Do you feel lonely within your marriage? 57 is not old (I'm just a few years younger). You could have decades ahead of you. Do you want to spend them with this guy? Or do you want to give yourself a chance to experience life without someone dragging you down? You deserve so much better than this.
I really want to join in and vent. How do I go about this?
ReplyDeleteJiltedJoe
DeleteJust like that you just start telling your story. On this thread or one of the more recent just found out. What I know is here there's no right way nor wrong way to let it out! I'm sorry you had to ask but glad you did! You're among others that know and feel your pain! Some just started on this path others like myself have been dealing with the fallout since 2013/2014...Elle has been here from the start as she created this warm hug of a space where we can begin to pick up ourselves from the pits of the most gut wrenching hurt, angry, confused world we find ourselves in post dday! Just know you're not alone and your story matters to each of us! We share and learn from each other! We love each other like we are blood sisters and we celebrate the positive and hug those who continue to be disappointed by a spouse that can't man up and do the right thing even if it means that couple divorce, we still celebrate if that's the right choice for them. Hugs this is hard in the beginning!
"Warm hug of a place"! Theresa, you are a bright light in a dark day. Thank-you.
DeleteAnd JiltedJoe -- exactly what Theresa said. Just post, exactly like you did, and share your story, your fears, your hopes. Bask in the support and compassion and wisdom of Theresa and so many others who know your pain and can light the way forward.
For me, the toxic person I'm trying to let go of is actually the other woman. I absolutely hate admitting it, but I have had a continued obsession over her since my d-day a little over a year ago. I've really struggled with keeping track of her online, as she leaves plenty for the public to view and still makes references to our "situation". She is extremely immature to say the least. I'm not going to waste my time bitching about the mean stuff she has done, because I shouldn't be looking at it anyway. In therapy, I have been encouraged to explore why I feel the need the keep up on her like this and I know there are many reasons I do it. A big part of it in the beginning was that I just wanted to figure her out. My husband had this entirely different life with her. (And she was sure to chronicle that wonderful life online too. Well, really I think she was just trying to validate her pathetic relationship and hopefully get caught so that they could run off together.) I just wanted to put the pieces together after being kept in the dark for almost 2 years and having my life explode in my face when I found out. And honestly, I can say at this point that I have. In fact, I had enough information about the affair awhile ago. But still, I have struggled on and off with looking her up online and letting her hurt me further. It's really like a bad habit that I'm struggling to break. I know it's bad for me, my recovery, and marriage. And I feel so ashamed for doing it. It upsets my husband because it invites her back into our lives and I hate talking to him about it. I don't feel like he really gets it either. Like I said, I've had a lot of ups and downs with this. The longest I've gone without looking is about 2 months, but I slipped up and and let it become a bad habit again a few weeks ago. I've been talking to my husband and going to therapy. I recently started taking medication for depression and anxiety as well. I've been trying to participate more on this blog and have even started a blog of my own to practice writing and sorting through my thoughts and feelings more. ( http://callmekate516.blogspot.com/?m=1 ) I figured I should try to replace bad online habits with healthier ones. Although some days are much, much harder than others, I'm doing my best to work through it all. I'm starting back with small goals when it comes to my bad online habits. I don't have any social media pages of my own right now and I haven't looked at any of her pages in 4 days. It's one day at a time right now, but I remain hopeful. It's definitely time I start taking better care of myself.
ReplyDeleteCall me Kate
DeleteI can relate to the ow fixation! I've spent months trying to let go of the need to see what she's up to! Mainly because she continues to stalk me and my h from a distance! It's been one year ago today that she had to go back before the judge and be reminded no contact of she goes to jail. My need to look at her pathetic face is gone I never did see the appeal for my h other than she was easy to pick up and start having sex with. She was going through a messy divorce and lost everything to her ex because my h wasn't her first affair or mistakes in life. My h can't stand the sight of the ow. She became downright dangerous that first year but at least she destroyed what ever it was he thought was so wonderful about her in the beginning. So I occasionally look at her public posts see she's still posting beliefs in God healing her relationship heartache and then I go back to my world of recovery by doing new and exciting things with my change for the better h! Not all roses and sunshine but one day at a time!
Call Me Kate,
DeleteYou are not alone. I read your blog and I have many similar feelings. It's still a struggle for me sometimes and I'm approaching two years. I don't need to know anything more about her but I still question her actions or at least how she justified them. I think if I could just accept that she's really screwed up and allow myself to move on, things would be so much better. I limited my access to her a long time ago by blocking her on Facebook. Then I went through a brief period where I created a second Facebook account so I could check that way. I was making myself crazy so I deleted that. She's done her best to try to crop up via mutual friends of my husband's and one of mine on Facebook. So eventually my husband gave up Facebook.
None of this means I don't still think about her. While I recognize that she's not fully responsible, I still have anger toward her for the role she played in damaging my family. I'm hopeful that in time that will go away too.
Hugs! ❤️
Call me Kate, I wrote a really long reply and it has not shown up from 3/31. So here is what I can remember.
DeleteI never knew these ow. My husband did not disclose who they were since I did not know them but said I would probably like and get along with one of them. That alone proves what an affair fog is, was and can do to their mind. He had broken up with them 15 months before hand even and they were both dating new people.
The only way I figured out who they were was through the photos I took of his history in his fake fb account. With the little info he gave me it was obvious who they were. And he continued to look at their profiles every day usually multiple times a day.
So I obsessed over looking through their entire accounts. I also checked them all the time. I felt like it would give me some insight or information. And I think I was also wanting to track them too and secretly hoping they would be miserable. Steam posted a story about how if you were to fast forward time and look back at photos of yourself to now would you want them to be vibrant color photos of you enjoying your life or black and white photos that were crumpled and flat. Her story was much better worded so I am summarizing how I interpreted it. For me that made me think a lot. I realized not one time did I ever feel better after checking up on them. I always felt worse. I also thought about how these women took up enough energy and time from my marriage and life already I was not going to give them anymore. Saying all of this it was easier since each ow only contacted my husband once and we decided he would not reply and we never heard from them again.
I think it had to come at the right time for me. It was part of the process. I think in general social media, access to smart phones is a challenge for anyone in society. We all have a computer at our access at any time. I think it affects all of our relationships and lives. And I am sure with this easy access it makes cheating easier than ever before.
Take it easy on yourself. For me I just had to tell myself no and get up away from my computer or put my phone down when I had the urge to check their pages. In the end I am a million times happier and I do not want either of them to be part of our lives.
(Sorry Hopeful 30 -- not sure what happened to your post. I moderate but post everything that isn't a spell casting ad.)
DeleteCallMeKate, that compulsion to follow the OW is really hard to break but it's so harmful to you. There is nothing you gain except more pain. It gives the illusion of control -- that you know what she's doing. But you pay a high price.
Please, please stop it. It will be really hard but you can do it. Snap an elastic band on your wrist when you'r tempted. Or reward yourself when you resist the urge. Treat her like a cancerous tumour that needs to be cut out of your life because she's toxic to you. I promise you life will be better when she's not in it at all.
CallMeKate,
DeleteI am 5 mos post Dday and I have finally satiated my curiosity about the COW's psyche. Thing is - I knew her - she was a family member, had been a guest in my home, I had paid for her dinner out at a family gathering. She was married to my H's 1st cousin and Goth, so I would have NEVER imagined my H would have ANY interest in her. WRONG! They only had actual sex once, but spent 4 years intermittently emailing each other how unhappy their spouses made them and 'sexting'.
Here I was pouring over 4 years worth of pictures of my husband and smiling, kissing, raising our kids, holidays, vacations, all happy. Cards he wrote me, all full of love. Trying to make sense of it. Trying to understand how on earth sex once in the backseat of our family car equated to "I thought I loved her and had a future with her". WTF?? Now I have seen COW's extensive on-line presence (she shares WAY too much info). It turns out all the while she was telling my H how much she hated her H she was actually trying (unsuccessfully) to get pregnant by her H - reviewing books about it online. Talked about her H lovingly. COW's H divorced her 5 years later and she posted that she had to go to counseling because she had to 'get over someone she loved so much'. Shge is a psychologist's dream case study. The root of her self-hatred was daddy issues, she never got over the death of her father when she was 3, was raised by an alcoholic step father, was bullied in school, became Goth, has many medical problems (eating disorder, irritable bowel syndrome, migraine headaches, had a nose job, chronic sinusitis, UTI's, allergies, etc.). Divorce ramped in her family. She reviews sex toys, condoms, feminine products, medications and HUNDREDS of zombie books online, worked at the mall for 9 years prior to her 1st marriage. Now she is remarried but in a 'polyamorous' relationship with husband, her girlfriend and their lover(s). Seriously, I can't make this up. Jerry Springer would be shocked. The 3 of them live in a dumpy apartment with 3 cats & 1 dog. They share 1 car. They spend most nights with other divorced friends at a local dive bar. Childless. She is in the same entry-level job that she was when she got married at the age of 27 to a 19yo. HS drop-out who was 'in a band'. She complained to my H that her H spent all their money on food, but she was clearly the one with the on-line shopping habit. Liar.
H knew NONE of this. Knew NOTHING about her. Only that she liked to read books (no idea what kind). I wish CH would have left me for COW for just 5 minutes. He would have gotten EXACTLY what he deserved! I am even angrier at him for being so stupid that he got duped about her true personality and never checked her background out. He had no idea COW actually loved her H, or that they were trying to get pregnant, or that she was into zombies and polyamory or that she started another affair just before her affair with my H ended with ED (ha!). And H entertained leaving me for COW. Breaking up an entire family (grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. - a big family). Idiot.
So now I am satisfied. Karma won.
Browneyedgirl, Wow. Wowee wow. Toxic indeed. But, and I'm throwing this out there for most of us who don't ever get that level of detail of the OW's life, I don't think she's an exception. While she might be extreme, I would argue that every OW I've ever known of is some variation on this: dishonest, low self-esteem, troubled, and willing to put up with a whole lot of crap in exchange for attention. Any attention.
DeleteCall me Kate.
ReplyDeleteI could have wrote your post. I too have to see what she is doing all the time. Believe me she is very boring. Trying to figure her out. I've even sent her messages asking for her side of the story. But I already knew the truth. I've even held my picture up against her picture and wondered what the hell was my h thinking. I started writing for therapy. I just have to remember to take care of myself more then worrying about her. Other then that my h and I are in a great place after only 19 months. I was also asked to be a peer counselor for other's like us. I think that if I do this it will also help me get past my fixation with her. And it can be a continual form of healing for me too.
I can so relate to all this OW stuff. I should be way past all that by now, but I'm still not. Putting my picture beside hers... trying to imagine what my H was thinking when he did what he did... At this point, I don't get upset anymore when I check in on her. It's almost like it's disconnected from my H altogether. It's more of a habit. I even find myself wanting to ask my H, "hey! did you see what (name of OW) said about the new store opening up down the street?"--then I remember who she is. I do think checking in gives me false feelings of control. I'm terrified of bumping into her in person. Not because of some fear of what she'll do to me, but my fear of what I'll do to her/myself. Afraid of uncontrolled rage I suppose. Plus, if I know things maybe I would catch my H sooner if he contacted her? Not really sure what I'm getting out of it at this point as things are really good with my marriage at the moment. This is an area in which I still need a lot of work!!
DeleteAnn
DeleteI don't get upset anymore. I know that she has messed up her life in a big way. I feel like it is my form of having control too. At first I just wanted to know that she was suffering like I was. Misery loves company. Now it's more of a pity watch when I do check on her.
Ann, I think that my checking also was a false sense of control. Almost as if knowing what she was doing, would keep me one step ahead of her. And then there was always the hope that I would see her life fall apart on social media. But I know enough about her now to recognize that the persona she puts out there would never include anything that shows her in a negative light. I've figured out that my husband paled in comparison to her when it came to lying and manipulating.
DeleteIt's really hard, but as a few people noted in this thread, it's rare that checking or obsessing makes us feel better. Except maybe the one time I learned that their whole family's cars had been egged. That did actually make me feel better. LOL
I think it also becomes habit whether it's checking social media or continually focusing on how they did what they did . The latter seems to be my biggest obstacle. I hope that with time she no longer crosses my mind.
Hugs! ❤
My H's OW was much younger and covered in tattoos. With a criminal record/arrests a # of times. Total drama queen. Not pretty (my H said that not me).
DeleteShe posted a number of times how she would not be with a man who cheated. How she despised women who did that. How we were all just desperate and weak.
Hahaha - she was practically suicidal when my H ended it. She tried to start up again with my H a third time. And when that didn't work she harassed me on social media.
She took down her blog but last I heard she had a new boyfriend. Poor guy - how long will it take for him to figure out what a crazy person she is.
Dandilion
ReplyDeleteHow she justified the relationship in the first place perplexed me until I realized how twisted his cow really is! The way she treated my h before dday was mentally cruel and then to continue to pursue him after dday was very disturbing to both of us. Then just when we thought we were through with her, she reached out for a meet up for drinks and no hard feelings! Omg! He sent her back to the judge, he gave her the riot act of going to jail or leave us the hell alone! Saturday was the one year of that day and as far as I know she got the message that time! Other than that few drive by the house times, as for if she's moved on to a new relationship, I could care less and my h was stupid when she attempted to make him jealous by having her computer open to her profile on a dating site because he thought they could still be friends even if she couldn't be his fuck buddie anymore! Omg! Yes he told me that conversation he had with her! So yeah she's pretty messed up in her head and the bad of it is she gets paid as a therapist for couples who are having issues as well as substance abuse. So I do look at her public posts and move on to my world and can't care less! I hear you Elle! It did hurt me in the beginning but I'm numb to pain from her! My pain comes from triggers and I never get warning of those suckers!
Theresa,
ReplyDeleteYou are right. A lot of these people are so screwed up I'm not sure we would grasp it even if we knew how they got there. I haven't reached a point yet where I am numb to the things she did. I'm still angry and hurt. Every time I think I've resolved that, it comes back. Lately, the anger comes from how little regard she had for my children. My daughter was almost 8 and my son was 3 when the affair started. This woman is a mother, yet she met my children when my husband took them to his office, she liked their pictures on Facebook, had phone conversations with him while they were around. It all infuriates me. How, as a mother, can someone look at an innocent child's picture and "like" it when they know what they're doing to his or her parents' marriage? I've always been protective of children but once I became a mom, it magnified. I can't fathom doing something to hurt a child. My husband and I have talked about it and it hurts him because he knows that he is the one who put them in that position. Anything she did is because he allowed it.
We're dealing with some issues with my daughter that have cropped up as a result of the fight we had on our last d-day. She doesn't know the full truth of the affair but she knows that her dad had a friendship with someone at work and he wasn't honest about it. We've tried to be honest with her at a level that is age appropriate. We're having her talk with a therapist and working on restoring her trust in her dad. The therapist says it's not uncommon after marital issues that when the parents reach a point where things have leveled out that kids then have issues that arise. Her main concerns are that it will happen again or that our family will break up.
Every time I take her to an appointment, I feel sad. And then the anger kicks in because it's so unfair that this is part of her world. I guess if my husband were a better liar and cheater, he would never have been caught. And my kids would have escaped unscathed like the OW's have. As much as I feel like her husband should know, I wouldn't wish this on anyone.
Dandilion
DeleteI hear you on the mother issues! The cow in our world used candy crush the game to access my h friends and two brothers. She tried to be his Facebook fuck buddie but for what ever reason that was a boundary he put in place. This cow was willing to destroy her own marriage, her teenage daughter and her son hanged himself because of his issues that were not being delt with. Knowing what I know about this person, I've slowly let go of the hostility toward her and focus more on how my h is treating me day to day in our new life together! If he hadn't made changes in himself, I more than likely would have divorced him! It's been a long tough two plu years but it's getting easier for him because habits have changed. He no longer goes to a gym across town we go to the same gym together. He no longer stops for drinks with co workers like he did before. He began to put me/our relationship first. We're lucky I guess that our children are adults and even though they don't know the details of the affair, they knew we were going through a hard time in our marriage. I'm sending you a cyber hug and hopefully your h is making progress on repairs to your marriage as well. Keep your daughter in therapy for as long as she needs to be! My own therapy was a little more than two years and I learned major coping strategies! I'm on this blog for moral support! It helps so much knowing you are not alone in the feelings betrayal causes!
Oh, wow dandelion. Something you just said hit home. "Anything she did to me is because he allowed it." I've had a hard time with one of the OWs. The one with a family. Trying to figure out how she did it. He allowed it. That's really the key. I don't know her level of crazy, but I know his. He allowed it. Maybe I can let her go a little more now. Thank you! All of this is so hard and confusing. My obsession with her led me away from the simple truth that he allowed it. He had a commitment to me. She did not. I still struggle thinking she might be better than me in some way, then I come back to reality and realize that's not true.
DeleteThank you, Theresa!
DeleteIt was a much needed cyber hug! It's been a rough couple of days. My daughter is doing well in therapy and we'll keep taking her as long as she needs to go. It's helping her with the issues with her dad, as well as in other areas where she struggles (not standing up for herself because she doesn't want to hurt people's feelings). My husband has really poured himself into repairing the damage he caused. He's there for the good and bad and we communicate more openly than we ever have. I think he's a happier person in general with the exception of the guilt he has from causing so much pain.
I value this group and the support I've received more than I can say.
Hugs back to you! ❤
Dandelion, I appreciate your situation, and the fact that you haven't told the OW's husband. I was informed of my husband's affair with his old high school girlfriend, from her husband. We have always been part of my husband's HS friend group from his hometown. A great group of people who have all stayed in touch across the years and miles. Until... None of them know except the four of us. He, the husband, was the one who discovered the affair and he sent me a threatening text in Sept 2015, thinking he was texting my husband (he says, although I think he was trying to out my husband to me). My husband lied. Finally in January 2016, he reached out to me on FB and told me. My husband gave only minimal partial truth and lies. The other husband and I continued comparing notes, he sent me pages and pages of texts they had exchanged, etc. And finally, a month later, he gave what he says is the whole truth.
ReplyDeleteI did ask the other spouse why he told me, knowing that he would bring the same agony down on me that he was suffering. He says he really struggled with the decision (and it did take him 4 months between confronting them and telling me). He decided to wait until after Christmas, to it ruin our family's holiday. Then he told me, because, he said he felt it was deeply unfair that the three of them all knew, and I was left in the dark.
Is that his real reason? Or was it really that he was so hurt and angry that he wanted to hurt my husband as badly as he was hurting, and I was just collateral damage? I don't know.
Am I grateful that he told me? I think on balance I would say yes. If I hadn't found out from him, weird things would have started happening that would have resulted in more lies. For example, she and I were friended on Facebook, LinkedIn and even Pinterest. We share friends in common, and the weirdness would have become palpable. And he would have lied more and more. Eventually it would come out and the compound effect of all that lying would have become increasingly more damaging with the passage of time.
Will we survive this? I don't know. Will they? I don't know that either. If I had been the one to catch them, would I have told him? I think so. I think it's the right thing to do. Even though he may or may not have been doing it for noble reasons, I still think he was right to tell me.
Periwinkle,
DeleteWe are complicated people. I'm not sure many of us do things for only "noble" reasons, whether we're aware of it or not. The fact that he deeply considered what he did is a good thing. Sounds like he was aware of the price you would pay for knowing...but also the price you were paying by not knowing.
I would want to know. And though I know every situation is different and there are other considerations (abuse, children, etc.), I generally think the best course of action is to let all the adults know what's going on the then leave them to make their own choices about what to do about it.
Periwinkle, IMO BH was right to tell you. Although I agree his delivery was poor. I'll share my story of the opposite scenario: I was the 1/4 in the dark for over a decade - the other 3 knew and they ALL conspired to keep it from me. I was robbed of any chance to decide a decade ago and give CH an ultimatum: no contact or divorce. Instead what happened? 4 more years of emails and one more failed attempt at backseat sex. Then the COW's ex-H decided to lash out after a decade of silence and victimize me for my H's actions. I'm so sorry for what has happened to you, but at least knowledge gives you the choice that I wish I had long ago. 10 years later it is harder to leave and I can't do anything about the ongoing contact that occurred. The truth always comes out eventually.
DeletePeriwinkle. I told the OW's boyfriend what was really going on. She had left him a few weeks before I found out. She had told my h that he had beat her, cheated on her, and they had fallen out of love. So that he would have sympathy for her. They were all lies. After this blew up in her face she went running back to him and put all the blame on my h. She is an excellent manipulator. She then told people that my h had raped her to gain more sympathy and attention. I watched my h get honored at a Fire Department Dinner. People would come up to him and tell him that he was their mentor and how much they looked up to him just like I had heard that her boyfriend was a very good man too. I wasn't going to let her destroy both of their character's with the lies she told to make herself look good. I sent him a detailed email of things that she did with times and dates. A few months later they were not together anymore and I feel that she got what was coming to her. Being alone and looking for new victims on dating sites. God help the men that she gets involved with.
DeletePeriwinkle,
DeleteI do believe that he deserves to know. I hope nothing I said led anyone to believe otherwise. I've spent a lot of time contemplating telling him and I carry guilt for not doing so. I've never met the OW or her husband. She was my husband's coworker. The decision not to tell him is based primarily out of concern for my children. Very shortly after d-day, the OW's sister emailed my husband on his work email. This is a woman my husband met once briefly when the OW brought her to the office. She emailed him to tell him what an awful person he was and how much like her ex husband he was. She said her sister had done some "bad things" but didn't deserve to be attacked by me. She was referring to a text I sent the OW that wasn't anywhere close to an attack. She ended her email with a threat to both my husband and I. Nothing overtly dangerous, it may have just been words but, again, these are not people I know. I feared not so much for my personal safety but for the type of drama thisperson might bring into my life and subsequently into my kids' lives. So ultimately, I felt my choice was to do the right thing for a stranger or do the right thing for my kids. But as with anything, it comes at a cost. And that cost for me is knowing that he deserves to know and that I haven't told him.
Dandelion, I did not want to sound as if I was judging your choice. Just sharing from the point of view of the in the dark spouse. The text that the BH sent to my phone said "stay away from my wife or I will destroy you". My husband told me her husband had always misinterpreted their friendship b/c she and my husband had dated in high school. He lied, in other words. And lied to me knowing that there was someone out there who had burning all-consuming hatred for him. He should have confessed right then. But he was cowardly. Anyway, there is no one-size-fits all approach. Of course you must act in the interest of your family above all else, and if telling him jeopardizes your family, than it's not the right thing to do.
DeletePeriwinkle,
DeleteThank you for that! I didn't feel like you were judging at all. I think I was really just talking through my own difficulties with my choice. My gut tells me that I did the right thing for my family, but the choice goes against what I believe is the honest and decent thing to do. If her husband ever finds out about the affair and knows that I knew but said nothing, he will no doubt wonder why I made that choice. I feel a sense of compassion toward him as a fellow betrayed spouse. It hurts to know that I've done nothing to help him.
ReplyDeleteI can't thank everyone enough for their kind and supportive words. I am a teacher and I've been busy writing report card comments this week, but I wanted to make sure I responded to everyone. This has been such a huge issue for me and I can't tell you how many times I've questioned my own sanity over it. Thank you for making me feel understood. Dandelion, I too, ended up with a separate account to keep tabs on her. It truly made me feel crazy! Although it would still be easy to look at the pages she still leaves public, I've gotten rid of all social media at this point and I'm still going strong. No peeking in over a week! Something feels different this time. I'm glad that I spoke out and got the extra support here too. It's been a year. My marriage is doing well. It's time to let this bitch go.
It is so interesting to read everyone's stories... and about the other women. Interesting and sad, very sad. These women are like a different breed to me. The ones who know damn right well that these men are married, have kids at home, and still do what they do. I don't want to go off on too much of a rant about her right now, but there are so many of you that I can connect to. Hopeful, thank you so much for taking the time to respond to me, especially considering you typed that twice :) When you said that "It had to come at the right time for me" that really resonated with me. Over the last year, I think I've been so desperate to ease my pain, that I tend to try to rush my recovery. At one point, I was ready to "forgive her" just so I could let go of some of the pain and hate. I've since realized, I don't forgive her for anything yet and it's fine to just leave it at that she is a selfish, childish asshole for now. She doesn't deserve my forgiveness right now, not after everything, and how she has handled her herself in the aftermath. It's definitely time for me to focus on ME and my marriage. I'll never understand that horrible girl and it doesn't matter anymore any way.