Yeah, I know you weren't the cheater. But sometimes, when we peel back the layers, we realize that we're holding ourselves accountable for all sorts of things. For not knowing. For ignoring our spidey-sense. For not being sexier, or thinner, or a better cook. For working too much. For not working outside the home.
Whatever it is, it's time to release yourself. That's not the same as not taking inventory of what you'd like to change. Rather it's no longer letting those regrets hold you back.
None of us is perfect.
But that's not why he cheated.
He cheated because he believed his own stories. And it's his job to break those stories down and separate fact from fiction.
Your job? To heal from this, moment by moment. To become conscious of the stories you were telling yourself, about your worth.
And to forgive yourself.
You did your best.
Let it go.
Why is that so hard? To just let it all go and not blame ourselves for not knowing and then blame ourselves for what was lacking in us when all the while it was him that had the problem... a daily struggle to just live in the present and let the regrets go! I’m a work in progress...
ReplyDeleteI don't know what it's so hard. Once I was able to do it, in hindsight, it seems simple. But learning to do it? So tough.
DeleteI asked for a separation last week. His incredible insensitivity to my needs when I have a trigger have finally pushed my "enough is enough" button. The whole month of September were triggers handled badly and in turn left me feeling traumatized and unsafe for the majority of the month. Even as I was driving from Ocean Isle to Durham I called him and said I'm feeling sad since today is the year anniversary of when you finally admitted to intercourse at the massage parlors and also that oct. 1 was our 24th anniversary. I asked him to please empathize with me. He said he couldn't do it. So I got off the phone and later he texted me to make him a cheat sheet. I wanted to say after a year of couples therapy and $10,000 make your own effing cheat sheet. But I didn't - I said let's make one together. Fast forward last week and another minor trigger and he can't help and I ask why not. Am I not worth it? Do you not care how I feel? His answer was "I can't do it on command. I feel like you are controlling me with your triggers."
ReplyDeleteSo I told him I understood and I needed him to move out. I would rather resolve this on my own then to have you hurt me more everytime you can't help me. We decided to separate. We went to couples therapy this past week and she was very clear explaining to him that when he can't help me it is like being betrayed all over again. That his responsibility was to tell me he was sorry -and that he could never tell me that enough and to hold me and help me absorb the pain. To join in the dialogue that is already going on in my head. I REALIZED HE CAN"T DO IT!!! The day after therapy I have a trigger after my individual therapy and he gets angry with me. I pushed a shame nerve. So I get no help from him just anger! Did he hear anything from the day before and from his individual therapist the day before that????My right next step is to stay away from him. The pain he causes me is excruciating. I got my journal out to summarize the pain events over the last almost 22 months. It is 8 hand written pages long! I'm so tired of being in pain!
This man goes to individual therapy and couples therapy and confesses his soul and remorse and sorrow for causing me such pain. It's like he comes out of therapy a different person. It's like he was never there - like his mind is wiped clean.
I want to fucking scream I am so frustrated!
Please help me.
Oh LilyLove, I'm so sorry. Of course, you're frustrated. You've done everything but draw this guy a freaking map of your heart. He's been told, clearly and repeatedly by you and your couples counsellor what you need to hear when you're triggered. And you're right -- he can't do it. It's likely his own stuff getting in the way but that's too damn bad. That's stuff he should be dealing with so that it doesn't get in the way. So that he can show up for you when you need him to.
DeleteOne sentence in particular really stands out for me: It's when he told you that your need for his support when you're triggered feels like control to him. That's like an alarm going off in my head. He doesn't see your pain as vulnerability, he sees it as need. And need feels like control to him. And he resents it because it asks him to do something he doesn't want to do.
Maybe you should scream. Just go somewhere and scream your head off. And then take a deep breath. You are such a strong and incredibly alive woman -- you have such a huge heart. You're going to get through this, LilyLove. And he's either going to get his shit together and join you or he's not. But either way, you're going to be okay.
I applaud you for recognizing that you needed to step away. That takes a lot of guts and it takes a huge dose of self-respect, both of which are going to serve you well.
Hang in there, LL. And keep writing in that journal.
Hi Lillylove
DeleteI am so sorry to hear of the pain you are going through.
These husbands just don't get it. Very selfish people they are.
I was in the same boat as you. I had a husband who could not deal with my pain. It reminded him of what an asshole he really is and he thinks he's gods gift to women, so he had mental conflict going on in his head - Believing it was his right to happiness (porn, sex) over responsibility, morals, decency, commitment, marriage, family - you get the picture. He couldn't be accountable for anything. Hence we are separated. For me I am glad he's gone. I couldn't be with anyone who is morally and emotionally devoid. He is of teenage mentality in an ageing mans body. He's one messed up dude. He surrounds himself with his toxic work people, and has had affairs with women from work - long term and one night stands (and a few prostitutes in between) - and now is with a new skank who was best friends with one of his long term skanks!!! Don't know how that friendships going -and I don't care. He's so messed up, I can now laugh at how pathetic a human he really is. So Lillylove. You do reach that point of enough is enough, and only you know when that happens. But don't forget. This is not your fault and nothing to do with you. You've given him time and chances, and like my ex, his head and heart just wasn't in it anymore. My ex didn't want to do the hard work of repairing a marriage and family, His loss. If you can, keep up the IC as you go through the separation. There will be good days and bad days, but everyday is a new day. Hang in there.
Sending you hugs
Gabby xo
Thank you Gabby! You are so courageous! Wishing you much happiness ahead!
DeleteThanks Elle. I really needed your words of encouragement and validation. You are absolutely right about the reason for his inability to help me with my triggers. He only sees it as a need that he’s not going to fill. He is either going to have to start filling my needs or he is going to be on his own permanently. I am so grateful for the support.
ReplyDeleteYou are giving him the chance to step up, which is more than a WHOLE LOT of women would do. You have the faith in him that he can do this. ALL HE HAS TO DO IS SHOW UP FOR YOU IN YOUR PAIN. I'm reading After a Good Man Cheats by Dr. Caroline Madden and I gotta say, it's a whole lot better than most books by therapists. She really gets it. And she tells these guys that the number one thing they've got to do (besides cut off contact with the affair partner(s)) is to show up and understand their wife's pain. So your husband is failing Reconciliation 101. Maybe he can make it up in summer school. ;)
DeleteI don’t think I can wait until summer. How many chances do you give someone? How many therapy sessions do you go to where it is explained to him 500 different ways he is to be there for me? How long?
DeleteHe’s going to have to start showing up for my pain or I’m done. I’m pissed my life has been one excruciating day after the other for 22 months and half of them are because he couldn’t show up for my pain. Our whole two hour therapy session on Wednesday was about how he can show up for my pain. On Thursday he couldn’t do it and this is after a year of therapy of a lot of this same stuff. I keep going hoping for a different result from him. Insanity.
Not sure if I lost the last post but I’ll try again ...
DeleteLilylove your spot on for questioning his inability to show up for your pain, it worries me that after 12 months of therapy he still can’t sit with you and support you through your triggers that he bloody caused!!
Only You know when ‘enough is enough’ and I too applaud you for asking for a separation and following it through, the fact that he has gone kinda tells me he’s taking the easy way out. Outta sight outta mind. Just thinking back to when I asked for a separation to my ex he pretty much had his suitcase packed before I finished the sentence because it was easier to go then to stay and deal with his shit. But here’s the thing lilylove now he’s gone you will feel relief, their sheer presence at times can be a trigger. So take this time to really get to grips with your healing, just concentrate on you. Your a bubbly lady with an infectious character you made it all the way to the retreat and that shows real bravery and I’m guessing you felt pretty courageous on your drive back from ocean beach I know I did.
I totally understand you wanting him to change honey, and no amount of what you do or say will help him do that, it really is down to him.
Keep us posted honey!!!
Sam
Xx
Everything Sam says. Leaving can feel like a relief to these guys because, suddenly, they're off the hook, at least temporarily. And then reality sets in. But kudos to you for making clear boundaries and enforcing them.
DeleteThank you sweet Sam. You are so right. It is up to him now. I am done trying to explain it to him and going to couples counseling every week for him to say he can do all these wonderful things for me to be there for my pain just to walk out and forget them all. I am ready for life without him if he can't show up for my pain one more day. Because of you guys I know I am going to be ok. I continue to feel courageous after leaving Ocean Isle! Thanks to all of you for that feeling!
ReplyDeleteLilyLove, I'm behind the times and just reading your post. I'm sorry your hurting but so damn proud of you for sticking up for yourself. You are right, you deserve someone that can show up for your pain. I'm glad you are taking space to give yourself time to heal and breathe. Try, if you can, not to worry too much about too many steps ahead. Just focus on you right now. And know that we are all here for you. You are an amazing woman. Whether things end or mend, I am 100% sure you will continue to be amazing and thrive and there will be days ahead where you can simply feel joy in being you in your own life. XOXO
ReplyDeleteYou guys keep making me smarter with your wisdom. I’m transitioning from weak to warrior!
DeleteLilylove I feel your frustration. Not dealing with triggers and sometimes turning them back on me was the cruelest thing that my husband did post affair and D-day 2. D-day 1 was Jan 2014 when he came to me trying to figure out which of us he wanted. D-day 2 nine months later. Then followed three years of piecemeal reconciliation and being able to sit with my pain and triggers and ultimately further transgressions. You see all that time even though he stated he wanted to do right for me and the family he was operating out of his shame and subsequent defensiveness. Arrogance, outrage, defensiveness, argumentativeness and excuses were all ways he was operating out of shame rather that positive action. He knew he'd done wrong, he knew that he'd allowed his own self-pity and self-hatred to let him go back to porn, meet women for lunches, all steps back to affairs. He was in a vicious cycle of salving his own pain with more junk food actions. He went to counselling for a short time originally post affair and now for 9 months since I found the further lunches etc. His shame and self-hatred are deeply entrenched and he is improving but by his own admission is not great still at facing into what he did, especially not when I mention it. I'm reading Feel the Fear and Do it anyway by Susan Jeffers. She says we can all operate on a continuum out of pain and power. If we operate from fear and a feeling of weakness, we avoid, berate ourselves and often chose negative actions, a place of power is one of strength, assertiveness and - in the case of an affair partner - a place where they can choose to approach us with positive, thoughtful action and restoration, thinking of ways to transform what they have done. If they can get to that place, they heal themselves as well but operating from shame and defensiveness is often a lifetime habit. It is concerning that he's been in counselling and hasn't seen that yet, I wonder if he could see it as as way he can transform his own life too and make his way of relating something to be proud of. I think we all struggle (I know I have) with long term depressive/negative/unhealthy habits and no amount of telling us makes a difference. I really recommend one book that talks compassionately about this area for both parties Why Won't You Apologise?: Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts Harriet Lerner. It explains why some people find it to hard to face things and what they can try to do as well as explaining from the hurt party as well. Good luck x
ReplyDeleteThanks! I’m going to buy that book!
DeleteI loved when you said “Arrogance, outrage, defensiveness, argumentativeness and excuses
were all ways he was acting out of
shame rather than positive actions”
That is my husband to a T!!!
I love Harriet Lerner!
DeleteLilly Love, don't doubt yourself. What you say is rational. He is the problem not you. It sounds like he doesn't know what he wants or does not want and doesn't know what he is willing to do to get it. I read your post your not asking for much from him, really. Maybe he has given up because he is afraid of failing? So if he doesn't try he automatically fails. I don't want you to feel sorry for him at all. He doesn't sound like he is really trusting himself to stop. He still wants to prove he was right to you. He is still lying to himself that is why he doesn't get what you are asking. His actions should be the same regardless if he is in the therapist chair or his favorite chair. Just my opinion until he stops lying to himself, admit what he has really done then all the justification in his mind stay in place. How can he "get" what you need and feel unless he starts to admit to himself what he has done. What he doesn't admit to, doesn't hurt him. It doesn't exist. He can't put himself in your shoes because he hasn't admitted to himself that he is a liar, betrayer and abuser. He doesn't understand the outcome and consequences of his choices. Betrayers are selfish and self-protective. He is still in denial and angry (if you had done this or that I wouldn't have cheated). He isn't even willing to bargain with you. He is still in the me, me me. He not willing to climb down into hell for you. I read this, "owning it means being vulnerable and allowing your wife and yourself to see the real truths of just how cruel and ugly he was willing to be and didn't care". He doesn't care because he has not said to himself, I did this on purpose, to you and it hurt you. He cannot put others needs before his own needs and accept the consequences of his actions and do whatever he needs to do to get a second chance because in his mind the affair might still be justified. I applaud your strength. I give you a big shout out. I think you are very courageous for thinking about what you need and acting upon it. I really do.
ReplyDeleteWow. That was incredible. Thanks LLP. My favorite line is “ what he doesn’t admit to doesn’t hurt him”
DeleteForgive myself for:
ReplyDeleteHaving blinders on
Afraid to hear answers to my questions
Thinking my world was ending
Not believing in my strength
Blaming myself for his stupidity
Not loving myself
Convinced my opinion didn't matter
Sacrificing my feelings
Accepting I will never be enough
Wow LLP. Did all that too. But no more.
DeleteHi Elle
ReplyDeleteI still am looking to learn and just came across this.
Not sure if you want to see this before you post it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DCS6t6NUAGQ&feature=youtu.be
Hugs
Gabby xo
Alain de Botton is awesome.
DeleteGiving up is so hard. How longs do you all actually took to decide to let go or stay on? I am just 3 months separation with my H and we rarely talk now. We used to shared and talked everyday and out of sudden..we are like stranger now.
ReplyDeleteI am trying hard to live alone now. Trying to adjust and accept what i am experience now. It's so suffering...
Anon 7:04PM - It took me a year and half to decided to stay or go. There was alot of stay or go in between times. Times when I would leave for a few days and times I told him to go down to the barn in 21 degrees and freeze a wiener. It takes as long as it takes. Is rarely talk on his part or yours? I'm so sorry this has happened to you, this bomb, this upper cut punch. Take care of yourself, you will find the strength you need to get where you need to be.
DeleteAnonymous, I think it takes being really honest about the state of your relationship. If he's cut off contact, then he's telling you that he's not willing to show up for your pain. If it's you who's cut off contact, what are you avoiding? Or maybe you've just had enough?
DeleteHi Elle, he is the one trying to avoid. Not sure if he feel guilty or sorry or perhaps he is trying to cut off completely. I wondered if he ever feel sorry, regret or guilty on what he had done to me. The only thing that we still talked about is on financial where he still financially support on me.
DeleteI do not know how a person can have so drastic change, not towards me but towards his family as well. He used to care about his parents but now he spent all this time with the OW, staying overnight at the OW's house and back late during weekdays, trying to avoid seeing his parents. He is totally not him, not the one that i used to know of.
Any of you experienced on this before?
Hi, need help here...anyone of you experienced this before where your H's behavior changed during affair?
DeleteHey Anon,
DeleteI'm not sure what you mean. Changed how? I think a lot of husbands' behaviour changes during the affair -- partly out of guilt, partly out of fear of getting caught, partly because their tiny little pea-brains are trying to juggle two lives.
Let me know specifically what you're referring to. You might also get more response if you post on the most recent blog post -- that tends to be the one that most people are reading.
Hang in there.
Anonymous
DeleteI can tell you that I definitely saw changes in my h during his affair. Due to work we were living two hours apart. It was like on the weekends I was the most important and special person in his life! Once he began his week of work, he was distracted and could barely talk to me on the phone. I learned that he is capable of compartmentalizations. Meaning he didn’t think about me/us because he was so busy chasing his fantasy. Once the affair ended, and it wasn’t easy to get her out of our marriage, I told him he had one chance to get this right. We’ve had many many ups and downs and I told him that I would not be put back in the box for work nor his free time pleasure, such as golf. I’m first or we are not going to make it. He has really stepped up in his meeting my needs. I no longer need his full attention 24 hours a day. I’m capable of finding my own pleasure and happiness and I try to balance between both of our needs for self time. I’m sorry you had to find this blog but I have to tell you it’s been very healing for me. Elle suggested that you post on the most recent post and the other wonderful ladies will offer you much support and help with that knowledge that only those that have been through this can provide. Sending you hugs! It’s a long rough road through this mess!
Hi Elle, glad that you replied on this which make me feel so warm...i know that that i am not alone.
DeleteSorry that i didn't stated clearly in my earlier comment on his changes. Example of the changes:
1.He used to be very committed to his work but now he will spend most of the time with the OW (his co-worker), came late, long lunch hour with OW, back early etc.
2. He used to be loving son who will spend his weekend to accompany his parents but now he will be spending his weekend with the OW and also only go back during midnight on weekdays (he is staying with his mum now)
3. He used to fear of height but now he can conquer the fear of height.
There are a lot more..
Hi Theresa,
Whenever i feel lost, i will be here to read the old blog. Indeed, it's very healing for me.
I do not know how long will it take for his affair to be ended or will it be ended? We've separated for 4 months and things are going very well for both of them. He worship her now. Everything that he did and said is soo "Her". I do not know whether i should still wait or i should let go (we've been together for 16 years, married for 4 years). It probably too early to make a decision now but my H insisted want a divorce even though he had yet file for divorce as i told him that i am not ready for a divorce yet.
LilyLove- Just read your entry and it made me so sad. It seems as if you were asking for the most basic thing- for your husband to sit with you in your sadness and help you with the pain. And obviously, his shame and defensiveness won't allow him to do that. He clearly has so much work to do on himself, and I hope that time apart will finally push him to see how healing it would be for him to be able to extend a bit of grace to you, after all of the grace you have extended to him. I send you all my hopes for your heart to begin to mend, and I know how much strength this step must have taken for you.
ReplyDeleteHi Elle, I wrote something here yesterday (to lend support to LilyLove). I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong but I've been unable to publish most of my posts. I haven't figured out how to create a URL name so I always comment as Anonymous. Thanks for any help.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure what's happened. I know that some commenters have trouble when they try and use their phones rather than a computer or tablet. As for a URL name, when you comment on blogger, there's usually a box "reply as" where you write in whatever name you want and can link it back to an e-mail or website. Can anyone else help?
DeleteWell, that time it worked. :) Thanks!
Delete